"Gourry!" Grize said as he came up and threw an arm around him, "I bet you're thinking that once you finish your dinner that you're in for another long, lonely night."

"Is it that long?" Gourry asked cluelessly as he did his best to keep his posture relaxed. One of the reasons he hated volunteering for an army was that the questions about why he never slept with anyone quickly followed. "Time moves so quickly when you're asleep."

Still, he couldn't deny that he was lonely.

"You don't have to pretend to be so happy!" Grize said with a laugh as a few other mercenaries came up. "Aren't you dying to have someone warm your bed?"

Gourry felt a pang. Ever since he'd run away from home he had felt a tremendous void in his life. To have loved a group of people so deeply and lost them all forever had left him both desperate for something to fill that void and terrified of what a second round of losses would do to him. The terror acted as a shield that prevented him from letting anyone get too close, even if it was for a night. Besides, the latter didn't fit with his code as a Gunginiel Knight.

But, as his father would say, it wasn't like a man to be so chaste.

"It hasn't been that cold, has it? Though when the weather turns I usually get another blanket." Gourry said as he projected an air of cluelessness in his voice.

The camp erupted into laughter as Grize said, "Oh come on! You can't be that dense?"

Gourry smiled amiably as he stood up, desperate to get away from this conversation, "Well, I am a bit of an idiot."

"Hey, where you going!?" Grize asked as he grabbed his shoulder, "Don't leave! Me and the guys wanted to thank you for saving our asses the other night. We bought you a girl!"

"You what?" Gourry asked as he felt the bile in his throat.

"Here! We'd like you to meet Rosie!" Grize said as he turned Gourry around as one of the camp woman walked forward and nausea flooded him as he beheld her pitiable state. Her brightly colored clothing was muted under a layer of mud and grime and she'd likely not had a bath since they'd left the city two weeks ago. There was a cold sore on her lips, which were stretched in a close mouthed smile, likely to hide her rotting teeth and he could see the lice running through her hair. Any sense of arousal was drowned under the sheer horror at the thought of milking a woman so worn down by life that she had nothing left to give.

And they thought they were giving him a gift! Gourry felt his face heat as he worked to keep his temper. "I don't have to pay women to sleep with me." Gourry said as he broke free of Grize and turned back around.

"Gourry!" Grize said as the rest of the men were stunned into silence. Gourry was grateful that early in his history with this group he had saved many of their lives on the battlefield and gotten a degree of top dog status that protected him from the cruel teasing that they would otherwise have heaped on him. Whenever he thought he'd acclimated to the cruel bite of it he'd learned he had more work to do there. "Come on, man! You never take anyone to your bed! What sort of a life is that?"

Lonely, Gourry thought to himself as a tide of reprimands rose. If he were deeply honest he had to admit that there was a part of him that was tempted, just to be close to someone. Just to forget about his loneliness if only for a few minutes. But his moral revulsion drowned it under a waterfall of shame for even feeling it as he remembered his grandmother's admonishment: Never sleep with a woman you aren't prepared to support.

But it was no use to try to explain it to men such as these. The gulf between them was just too wide, and they would interpret it as him looking down on them from a lofty pedestal. And if there was one thing he'd learned from his family it was that people hated being talked down to. "We got an early morning tomorrow. Better rest up!" Gourry said.

"Gourry, this is a token of our appreciation for how you saved us!" Grize said.

"Then buy me a drink." Gourry said, desperate for an escape before he lost his temper, and to his relief he realized someone was approaching, and then he stood to attention as he recognized Colonel Penn. The other men noticed how his demeanor changed and fell in line with him as the Colonel approached.

"Everything okay here?" he asked.

"Gourry's just being a prude." Grize said.

"Gourry is a knight." Colonel Penn said, and Gourry felt a sense of disquiet grow as the men quieted down, "And worth fifty of you on the battlefield for it! While the rest of you rot your brains chasing skirt he's keeping his skills sharp, doing his job. The rest of you could stand to learn something from him."

Gourry shifted uncomfortably as the Colonel nodded at him before he walked off. As soon as he did one of the men said, "Colonel's pet."

"Colonel's pet or no you wouldn't be alive if it weren't for Gourry!" Grize said.

"Hey, if Gourry won't have her, can I?" one of the other men asked, and Gourry suddenly felt sick. Some knight he was. He should have invited Rosie to his tent and given her a warm blanket and what was left of his rations and let her get some sleep unharassed for an evening. But he'd been so caught up in his own revulsion that he'd lost sight of what would happen by rejecting her. He might play the idiot but he never deluded himself for one second into believing that she really wanted any of them. He didn't understand how it didn't bother any of them.

She's just another person you can't save. It's hopeless to even try.

He did his best to block out the banter from camp as he reached the sanctuary of his tent and closed the flap behind him. It did little to shut out the sounds of revelry from the camps. It felt as though everyone was paired with someone except for him. He wondered what was wrong with him. It felt like hubris to believe that there was something wrong with everyone but him, especially since he was fairly sure that he was the only one spending the night alone in his tent. That he was the only one who'd never been with a woman.

If there was another Gunginiel Knight amongst the camp it might have been different. But then, Gourry was half convinced that he was the only one who stuck to their rigid moral code. And regardless, nothing was worth going back to the Elmekian Empire, not even the prospect of joining forces with the other knights.

He hated joining mercenary camps for this reason, but it was the rare combination of good pay with a mission he could believe in. Typically kingdoms recruited mercenaries so they could send other people to die for their right to own more land. It was hardly a worthy cause to fight for. But this time a sorcerer had gone rogue and the kingdom of Ralteague was paying good money for extra hands to try to stop him after the failure of the Sorcerer's Guild to contain the situation. It was enough money to get him to Sairaag without having to pick up odd jobs. And as Gunginiel Knights only took lives when they had to, taking down a dangerous rogue sorcerer would be a mission he could be at peace with.

Unfortunately it meant dealing with people who reminded him of his brother. And having his nose rubbed in the fact that he had never had an intimate encounter with a woman. The idea his grandmother had planted that had faltered in Gunther had taken root within him. A brief encounter might make him feel better in the moment, but it wouldn't bring him the love and security that he both desired and feared. That he wanted to be worthy of. That he had not felt since his grandmother died. That he was terrified of experiencing and losing again.

"You wanted to see me, Sir?" Gourry said as he stepped into the Colonel's tent.

"Yes, have a seat." Colonel Penn said, and Gourry took the less ornate chair in the room. "I wanted to let you know that the rogue sorcerer has been apprehended. The Dragon Spooker got him."

"The who?" Gourry asked.

Colonel Penn's eyes widened as his mouth dropped as he shook his head, "I thought everyone knew about the Dragon Spooker girl. The Bandit Slayer? Ringing any bells?"

"Not a single one!"

"I guess I shouldn't be too surprised you don't keep on top of the gossip."

"I probably just forget." Gourry said with a smile.

Colonel Penn's blue eyes pierced right through him, "I've learned not to underestimate men like you. If you hadn't heard about Lina Inverse it's because you're attention is on whatever enemies might be lurking about. It's what makes you the best swordsman I've ever encountered."

"Nah. I'm just better than average." Gourry said.

"That's an understatement." Colonel Penn said, "Look, I don't want to lose a man of your talents. We're disbanding, but there's a space for you with the Ralteague army. I can pull some strings and arrange for you to guard the royal family and you will likely move up the ranks quickly."

Gourry instantly knew what his answer would be. But he grew nervous thinking about saying it. "Thanks for the offer. But I have plans to visit Sairaag."

Colonel Penn smiled and Gourry relaxed, "Let me guess, got a sweetheart there?"

"Something like that." Gourry said. His family history was better left buried.

"I hate to lose you. And if it doesn't work out in Sairaag, just come back here and ask for me. I'll make sure you land on your feet!"

"Thank you, sir!" Gourry said as he stood up and shook his hand.

Colonel Penn grabbed a bag of money, "I put a little extra in there due to the caliber of your work. I'm serious if you ever want a job here."

Gourry felt a bit of warmth grow within him. It was tempting. But lately he'd been driven by an intense need to see Sairaag for reasons he didn't quite understand, and the promise of having a mentor, someone to look out for him was not enough to deter him. Likely it would just go wrong when he found out about the Sword of Light. Things always went wrong when people found out about it.

"Thanks again, sir. It's been an honor to work with you."

AN: Recently been inspired to write this one thanks to conversations with so many wonderful Gourrina fans. While I've visited Gourry's past a bit in Of Cursed Lands and Cursed Lines I decided to hit some of the unexplored years and then take a Slayers from Gourry's viewpoint approach based on thought provoking conversations we've had, the new translations of the novels, and information from interviews that was not available when I wrote Cursed. This is not in the same continuity as Cursed, though, and different events formed his early childhood years, but I didn't want to start completely at the beginning. This is the FFN safe version, later chapters on AO3 will have sexual content. Hey, this whole thing got started because we were speculating about Gourry's sexual history so it's not my fault, it's destiny. I also decided to go with a different set of assumptions than I usually do because our musings explained so many things, so here it goes.

And people familiar with the Medieval Mayhem manga will remember Grize. Colonel Penn is an ancestor of mine who fought in the Revolutionary War.