Olivia felt dizzy as she walked out of the hospital and into the cold, crisp air of the night. She couldn't believe what was happening. It all felt like a strange dream. It wouldn't be the first time she dreamt of Elliot coming back, but none of her past dreams included Kathy getting blown up and fighting for her life.
She stood still but the world around her was spinning. She felt her heart racing in her chest. For a moment she thought she was going to get a heart attack and almost laughed at the fact that she was already at a hospital. Almost. But none of this was funny. She had just managed to say some things to Elliot that she'd been thinking about saying to him since he left, but it wasn't enough. She wasn't sure if she will ever be able to express her feelings in a way that will make him understand the magnitude of the damage he caused her.
And Noah. The thought of him is what terrified her most, is what made her weak in the knees. How the hell is she going to deal with that? Her son is quite possibly about to find out that she's been lying to him about his father since the day he started asking about him.
Olivia felt sick. She closed her eyes in a desperate attempt to calm herself down and remembered that conversation she had with Elliot 13 years earlier.
They were sitting in the car in the middle of investigating the theft of embryos from a clinic. That case was hard for Olivia, triggering. At that point in her life, there was nothing she wanted more than to have a child, her own family. Someone who would love her unconditionally and will always put her first. But she wasn't fortunate enough to find someone to settle down with, and the court didn't think she was prime parent material.
Elliot could see how much it was all bothering her and tried to be supportive.
"You know, you'd make a great mom."
He used his soft voice, but Olivia felt like each word was a knife to her heart. "Oh, my God, I'm not having this conversation," she looked away from him, pretending to find the street they were parked in very interesting.
"You're great with kids."
Olivia just wanted him to stop talking. "Yeah, I know." She hoped it sounded as aggressive as she meant for it to sound. He needed to back off and stop pretending like he knew what she was going through, what with his beautiful wife, five children, and white picket fence.
It seemed like he got the message as he turned the engine on without saying anything else. But then he talked again, really fast, before she could cut him off in the middle of the sentence. His voice was gentle as if he knew that what he was saying would be painful for her, and tried to lessen the blow.
"Look, maybe you should start thinking about having kids and anyway you wanna do it, I'll support you."
"Elliot, do me a favor."
"Yeah."
"Shut up and drive." Olivia looked outside the window again, hoping he would realize how much she didn't want to continue that conversation with him. The lump in her throat would make it really difficult for her to talk again.
Elliot remained quiet for the entire drive and Olivia was grateful for being able to fight back her tears in silence.
But his words haunted her for the rest of the week. Every time she had a quiet moment, they echoed in her mind. And on top of that, he brought it up again as they were leaving the precinct on Friday evening.
"Liv, about that conversation we had earlier this week… You know I didn't mean to pressure you, right? It's none of my business if you decide to have kids or not. I was just trying to be supportive," he held the door for her.
Olivia wanted to scream at him that it wasn't a matter of choice, that she just wasn't lucky like he was. But the last thing she wanted was to discuss that issue again.
"Thanks," she said briefly as she walked out the door.
They started down the street toward their cars and walked a few steps in silence before he added, "I did mean what I said, though."
That little exchange only confused her more. What did he mean when he said that anyway she wanted to do it he would support her? She had told him about the court's decision, so he knew she couldn't adopt. That leaves her with getting pregnant the natural way, which she knew he didn't mean because he wouldn't cheat on his wife… or sperm donation. Did his offer to support her in any way she wanted include giving her his own sperm?
The first time she allowed herself to think it, she immediately felt stupid. Why would he want to have another baby? He didn't even want the fifth. Or the first, for that matter.
But the more she thought about it, the more it seemed likely that he actually meant it. And even if he didn't mean it that way, Olivia was falling in love with the idea of having a kid from him, with his genes. She couldn't think of anything else for two weeks. The idea of a child from him refused to leave her mind no matter how much she tried. She became obsessed with it. It was the only way she could see herself having a child, and she wanted it so badly. It would be the perfect solution for her.
But how could she ask him that directly? If it turns out that it wasn't what he meant, it would be unbearably awkward. For a while, she tried to figure out how to ask him. She came up with different scripts and scenarios in her head and every morning when she woke up, she told herself that today would be the day that she asked him. But every time they were alone and she had the opportunity to do it, she got cold feet.
Olivia was angry at herself for not being able to say the words. She was giving up on the idea with a heavy heart, when a month after Elliot had made his offer, Cragen sent them on a nightly stakeout. The winter air was freezing and they were both wearing heavy coats as they watched a shabby-looking building, sitting in the deafening silence of the car and the night.
Olivia was running all the words in her head again, trying to put them in order so she could finally speak and say what she wanted so badly to say. Elliot's repeating glances were left unnoticed as she focused on what was going on in her mind.
"Liv?" he finally said.
"Huh?" Olivia startled.
"You okay?"
"Aha." She said it too quickly and knew he could tell she was lying.
"What's going on?"
Olivia let out air. This was it. She needed to speak now, or the momentum would be gone forever.
"I've been having a lot of thoughts lately…" It was the moment of truth and she has never been so anxious. The words that she neatly organized in her head were scattered all over.
"About what?" he turned his body toward her to listen better.
"About… what you said to me a month ago…" she hated the fact that he had to prompt her to talk with his questions, but she couldn't bring herself to do it on her own.
"Oh, God, we talk so much," he smiled. "What did I say?"
"You-you said that if I wanted to have kids… that you would support me," she couldn't even look at him. Her gaze was fixed on her hands in her lap. It was dark, but there was still some light from the street so she could see them.
Elliot didn't respond for a moment and she knew he must be surprised. He didn't think she would bring up the subject again. "Right. And I meant it," he finally said, repeating what he had told her before.
Olivia looked at him. His blue eyes looked dark and infinitely deep in the meager light. She wanted to drown in them and stay there forever more than anything.
"What did you mean, exactly?"
Elliot frowned. "What do you mean?"
She looked at him for a moment, not sure how to proceed. They were reaching the dangerous territory that she was terrified of. "I've been thinking about my options… there aren't many, really."
"What are they?"
"Pretty much only… only…" her mouth was open but no words came out. She shook her head.
"Liv, you can tell me," he placed his hand on her shoulder, "I said I'd support you and I meant it. I'm your partner for better or worse, remember?"
Olivia took a deep breath and nodded. "Sperm donation. That's pretty much my only option," she said it at once, not giving herself a chance to stutter again.
Elliot nodded. He still didn't know what she was about to ask him, so he didn't seem nervous.
"Look," she started, determined to say everything she's been practicing on for the last few weeks. "I don't know if that's what you meant – I mean, I'm sure that it's NOT what you meant, but I've been thinking about it so much since we had that embryos case and the more I think about it, the more it seems like the only way for me to do it. So I'm going to ask you, and feel free to refuse, I promise you it won't change anything between us. In fact, I'm already expecting a refusal because I'm sure it wasn't your intention, but… I want to ask you to be the donor. Of the sperm, I mean."
Her heart was beating so loud, she was sure he could hear it. But she did it, she finally said it. No matter what happens next, she'll never have to regret not asking him.
Elliot's expression didn't change. He nodded. "No, that's what… that's what I meant."
Olivia was sure she was misunderstanding his response. She examined his face for a while. He looked completely calm. For a second she wondered if he was joking, but she knew he would never do that to her, knowing how sensitive the matter was to her.
"R-really?"
He just nodded again.
"But… How will it work?" she frowned, trying to figure out the details with herself, but all she could think about was a child who will have his eyes and his smile.
"Do you plan to get pregnant soon?"
"I… I guess not immediately," suddenly it was all becoming real and the thought of being pregnant now scared her.
"Well, we can discuss the details when you decide to do it. In the meantime, I can… make the donation and it will be stored for when you're ready to use it."
"Really?" she asked again. It all felt like a fever dream.
He just smiled again.
Elliot made good on his promise and made his donation a week later. It was Olivia who kept stalling. He tried not to pressure her, so he only asked her from time to time if she was going to do it soon. She kept saying that it wasn't the right time. After three times, he never asked again.
The truth was, Olivia was too scared to change anything in their relationship. A child would surely cause conflicts she never wanted to have with him. Her biggest fear was to lose him, she couldn't stand the thought of it. At the end of the day, she preferred remaining childless but close to him.
Three years later he walked away and left her in the darkest time in her life.
For a few years, Olivia kept the hope that he might return for her. But it was hard to maintain that hope as time went by. It seemed to be getting smaller and smaller with every day that passed. In the third year of his departure, Olivia fully believed that she was never going to see him again.
After he left and she fell apart at the precinct, she forced herself not to cry again. It took her some time to pick up the pieces and put herself back together. She managed to keep going alone for a while, telling herself that she didn't need him or anyone.
The realization that he was never coming back - that happened on her birthday of all days - almost destroyed her. It hurt her like nothing before. She couldn't stand it. That period of time was the peak of the darkness in her past that she never wanted to experience again. It started with nights of lying awake in bed, crying, or just feeling the stabbing pain of the abandonment. It was like she had put the grieving on hold until then, but couldn't prevent it anymore. She felt like she was free falling, spiraling out of control. She knew she was moving fast toward hitting the rocks at the bottom of the abyss and shattering completely and eternally. The pain had to be numbed somehow.
After all those hard nights, she decided she shouldn't be alone in bed anymore. It was partly about ending the loneliness, and partly about revenge. On him. She started going out drinking and most times she finished the night with a random person in her bed. It helped distract her from how miserable she was feeling, but she knew it wasn't a real solution to the emptiness in her.
After a few weeks of working all hours and going out at night, she felt exhausted. She looked like a mess and her body felt like one, too. She wasn't eating well and by then was running on empty.
One morning she checked her calendar and realized her period was two weeks late. TWO WEEKS. How did she not realize it before? She was so angry at herself. The thought of having a random man's baby horrified her.
She made an appointment with her doctor for the next day and called in sick. She couldn't face everyone at work. They would know something was wrong immediately and she didn't have the strength to deal with it. Instead, she went out for a walk. She thought the fresh air would surely do her good.
The sun was warm and friendly, high in the bright blue sky. It caressed her face gently as Olivia strolled down the busy street, window shopping or just looking at the people around her hurrying to their different destinations.
That calm feeling only lasted until she passed by a window that displayed baby clothes. Her heart started pounding again and she was grateful for not having eaten anything that day because she was feeling nauseated.
"You're not pregnant, you're stressed."
The doctor's words both felt like a ton of bricks and a warm embrace. Having a stranger's baby was definitely not something she wanted, but having a baby was. So much.
"Are you happy or sad?" the kind, older man asked her.
Olivia scoffed. "Both."
He looked at her hesitantly for a moment and then said, "have you considered a sperm donation?"
She froze. Sperm donation. She already had one. Not of a random stranger, but of the man who was the love of her life. Who forever will be.
It didn't take her long to decide. The state she was in, emotionally, and the belief that Elliot was never coming back, were the main reasons why Olivia wanted to do it, to have his baby. Once she told the doctor about it, it all happened pretty quickly.
As her belly was growing, she came up with a story about a hero father who died in the line of duty. She planned out her baby's life carefully, how to make sure that the absence of his father wouldn't be traumatic.
When Noah was old enough to ask, she showed him a photo she had found in a quick Google search and recited the story she had stored in her mind for that occasion. The only thing that she kept true was the name. Noah knew that his father's name was Elliot. No last name.
And now, after all this time, after everything she went through to have her son, she had no idea what to do. The life she so carefully created for herself was going to come apart like a house of cards. Noah was the spitting image of Elliot. No way he wasn't going to know he was his son if they ever met.
"Ma'am, are you okay?"
Olivia was startled by the sound. She was breathing fast and shallow, the beginning of a panic attack. The paramedic's voice pulled her back to reality.
"I'm fine, thanks," her own voice was weak. She started to walk to her car, feeling anything but fine. The inside of the vehicle reflected what she was feeling inside. It was dark and cold, and the silence was so loud that it threatened to explode in her head. She closed her eyes tight and tried to calm herself down with some deep breaths, so that she could assess her situation with a clear mind.
She was at a crossroad now, and had two options: tell Elliot the truth – which might result in Noah finding out that she's been lying to him since he was born, or shut Elliot out of her life and make sure they never meet. She contemplated the latter for a moment but then laughed bitterly at herself. Who was she kidding? She would never be able to shut him out for more than five minutes.
There was only one thing she could do. She had to face the truth.
The next day after Elliot returned, as she was taking a little break to make herself coffee, Fin mentioned that he had met him for a coffee the previous day. Olivia didn't think much of it at first, but when he kept staring at her as she finished preparing and was stirring her hot beverage, she got a bad feeling like he wanted to tell her something more.
"What?" she brought the cup to her mouth and sipped carefully. Some days it was the only thing keeping her going, and today was definitely one of those days. Kathy was still fighting for her life at the hospital and the SVU was deep into the investigation. She wanted to catch the person responsible for it more than anything. So much so, that she struggled to fall asleep the previous night, though it wasn't the only reason why, of course. Still, it was important for her to get justice for the victim as always, but this one had an extra layer – him. She wanted to do it for him.
"I may have mentioned that you have a son," Fin sounded apologetic. It only happened on rare occasions so Olivia knew he was feeling a little guilty about it, or at least embarrassed.
Her heart skipped a beat. HE KNOWS NOW. THERE'S NO WAY AROUND IT.
"FIN."
"I know, I know, but don't worry. When he asked me who the father was, I said he'd have to ask you."
Olivia stared at him in shock and then placed a hand on her forehead and shook her head in frustration. "Thanks, that's really considerate of you," she muttered.
They were interrupted by Kat, who had to give them an update, and the rest of the day flew by. Olivia tried not to think about it but there were some quiet moments during the day, that forced her to deal with the fact that Elliot knows she has a son. Fin, without knowing, created an opening for her. She'll have to use it wisely.
In the evening, she went to see Elliot, to talk about the case. They met in a park near the hospital and just like last night, it was dark and cold. The only difference this time was that she was next to him. Whenever that was the case, none of those things bothered her. She could stand hours in the cold without feeling it. Of course, a hundred other things did bother her, now that he was back…
He tried to convince her to let him investigate with her. The smile he gave her as she brought up Kathy again in order to remind him where he was supposed to be, melted her heart. But she couldn't let him know that. She told him to go be with his wife and left him standing there in the middle of the park, eager to get away from him before he gets the chance to ask her about her son. It wasn't the time. They will have to wait until Kathy recovers.
Kathy. That was another issue that was weighing on Olivia. Her reaction to the news about Noah will surely not be positive. She probably didn't even know her husband and the father of her five children gave Olivia his sperm to make another one. Back when he did it, they both agreed not to tell Kathy as long as Olivia wasn't going to use it, and Elliot never found out that she did.
But the next day, everything changed. Kathy died from her injuries and Elliot was in shock. Olivia tried to help him any way she could in the days that followed, but there was nothing much she could do. He had four grown children who took care of the funeral and a teenager he had to fly back from Italy. He was busy. But he texted her from time to time about the case, Eli and the funeral preparations. He obviously didn't want to lose touch.
Eventually, he wrote to ask if she would come to the funeral in two days. The Text ended with 'PLEASE' in all caps and it broke Olivia's heart because she knew he was desperate for comfort, for stability, for familiarity. She replied that she would as soon as she saw it. There was still a lot that she needed to say to him, to make sure he understands the damage that he left in her, but she could never refuse him when he needed her support.
Suddenly she had a little, crazy idea. She wanted to see how Elliot would react when he sees Noah for the first time. What if he doesn't see the resemblance between them? What if she won't have to tell him after all and she's been worrying for nothing? Sure, it was a risk, but even if meeting the boy does raise his suspicion, he wouldn't start that conversation on the day of the funeral, so she'll have time to prepare.
She texted him about handing the files of Kathy's investigation over to him and asked if he could meet her where she goes sliding with her son the next day. He agreed, as she knew he would. He could've waited a day and get the files at the funeral, but he couldn't resist getting a glimpse of her son. She knew he must be curious.
So the next day they met outside, surrounded by a lot of pure, white snow, and many happy children. The air was very cold and felt sharp on Olivia's face as she walked to him, leaving Noah at a safe distance. Now that it was happening, she wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. Maybe she should've waited with it.
She tried to make conversation but regretted it immediately when he started to talk about Rome. Her heart was a bleeding pin cushion with a thousand little pins stuck deep inside it. Where was she when he was overseas, making a new life for himself? Did he ever wonder?
He understood when she told him she couldn't have that conversation, and she changed the topic to work. That was always their safe haven, the thread that connected them and kept them sewn together. He thanked her for her help and then it was his turn to change the subject. The award ceremony. A letter that he wrote. He pulled it out of his inner pocket and handed it to her. Olivia noticed that all the while they were talking, he threw quick glances at the children in the snow, trying to get a good look at Noah, she was sure. He knew who he was because he saw Olivia with him from afar when he arrived.
Olivia was dumbfounded as she took the letter from his freezing hand. Elliot Stabler wrote her a letter? She stared at him as the snow fell on their faces.
"Mommy! Mommy!" Noah ran over to them. He looked happy. "Did you see that one, mom?" he asked in excitement.
Olivia looked over at Elliot and saw nothing to indicate recognition. There was a little smile on his face, he was thrilled to see her son up close. She was starting to believe everything was going to be okay after all. The decision whether to tell the truth will be hers, and not something she will have no choice but doing.
She looked back at Noah and smiled. "Yes, honey, I did. You were amazing."
Her son looked at her with joy and it warmed her heart. He was eager for her to come back and play with him. For some reason, Elliot's presence made her feel the love she had for the little boy on an even deeper level. He was her entire world.
Olivia looked back at Elliot one last time before leaving as a way to say goodbye, and that was when she saw it. The recognition-induced surprise in his eyes as he stared at Noah. She couldn't tell what he was thinking but he wasn't smiling at all anymore.
Olivia looked at him, waiting for him to move or say something. If it wasn't freezing outside she probably would have been sweating from nerves. Her heart felt as if it froze, too.
It took Elliot a long moment but eventually he looked over at her slowly, the shock still all over his face. Olivia stared back at him, but neither of them could speak. She needed to get away from him fast and start planning how to proceed.
She turned back to Noah and started walking away with him. "Should I try it or no?" she tried to sound cheerful, so her son wouldn't notice something was wrong.
"Yeah, you should try it!" Noah replied happily.
Olivia never looked back, but she knew Elliot kept standing there looking at them for god knows how long. How the hell was she going to be able to look him in the eyes at the funeral the next day?
We need to talk.
Olivia stared at the text message she received from Elliot right after the funeral.
It has been a hard day for everyone. Olivia felt emotionally drained. She knew it wouldn't be easy to watch Elliot and his kids mourn the loss of their wife and mother. Combined with the stress over the Noah situation it was the perfect recipe for exhaustion. But even if she knew how difficult it would be, she had to be there for them. For him.
When she arrived at the cemetery, he kept looking at her as she greeted his kids. She constantly felt his eyes drilling holes into her and tried to avoid meeting them as much as she could. But when he turned to look at her with tears in his eyes as the priest was talking about Kathy, she couldn't let him down. In that moment it wasn't about Noah and the reality she was going to have to face soon. It was about comforting him.
"Thanks for coming," he said quietly, holding onto her arm as she was walking away. Olivia nodded. Her heart was racing, she was sure he was going to say something about them having to have a talk. But then he let go of her, and his phone getting a notification left him walking behind her and Eli. She squeezed the boy's shoulder and gave him a comforting smile before rushing to her car and driving away.
The rest of the day she didn't hear anything from him. When she was finally home in the evening, on her couch, her stress levels were starting to go down. Maybe it was all in her head. Maybe he didn't realize anything about Noah.
Her eyes landed on Elliot's letter on the coffee table in front of her. She was hesitant to read it, scared of what it might say. Elliot was never great at expressing himself in words, so what could he possibly write?
We need to talk.
She picked up her phone after reading the letter, teary eyed and shaky. It was the last thing she had expected to read. She was sure that the letter would contain an explanation to why he left, but it was just a horrible text that made no sense to her. What they were to each other was never real? Then why did he keep choosing her over the job and his family and made her feel like she was the most important to him over and over again? Why did he give her his sperm? And that last line… in a parallel universe, it will always be you and I. What was that about?
Her head was spinning from confusion and sadness as she typed her response.
Yes, definitely. About your letter.
She clicked send and took a deep, shaky breath.
His next text came a while after he read hers. Was he scared? Angry? He asked if he could come over and she responded that not when Noah was there. He read the message but didn't reply. She wondered if he thought that she was trying to avoid that conversation all together, which she would gladly do, if it wasn't something they absolutely had to talk about.
I have a window in the afternoon tomorrow. About two hours until Noah comes back home from rehearsal.
And that was it. Elliot agreed. The next day was going to be a nightmare, Olivia knew. She will be a nervous wreck, counting the minutes until she goes home, dreading what was about to happen.
"So…" Elliot was sitting at a safe distance from her, on the edge of the couch in her living room. He looked a little pale and it calmed Olivia down somewhat to know that he was nervous, too. The pain of his letter still sitting heavy on her.
"So," she repeated, not sure what he wanted to tackle first. But she had a pretty good guess.
"Do you have something to tell me?" his voice was leveled, but Olivia knew that it was just a façade. He couldn't fool her. Not her. She was an expert in the Elliot Stabler body language.
"About what?" What was she doing? Stalling for what? She was angry at herself for being such a coward. She did nothing wrong. He offered and then gave her his sperm to use. Of course, they agreed that she would talk with him about it before doing it, but where was he?
"You know about what, Liv," he was starting to sound impatient and it felt familiar. Finally. She was looking for the man she remembered. She knew that he was hiding somewhere behind the awkwardness and the pleasantries. Elliot was never the one to go around anything. He said whatever he was thinking and it often got him into trouble.
She looked down at her hands. Looking into his eyes now was more than she could handle. "What do you want me to say?" it was a mumble.
"Liv, come on!" he got up and turned his back to her for a moment, clearly trying to maintain his calm. "Just tell me the truth! I'm not an idiot," it wasn't working very well. There was fire in his eyes. But she expected it. Family was important to him.
"What do you want me to say?!" she yelled and got up, too, laughing at herself inwardly. He was the only person who could get such strong emotions out of her. She hadn't felt this alive in years.
Elliot stared at her and took a deep, long breath. When he talked, his voice was calm again but a little shaky. "Who's Noah's father?"
Just like that, no sugar coating, no gentleness, just saying whatever he was thinking.
Olivia looked at him angrily. Why wasn't he asking it directly? She won't say it before he does, she couldn't take the risk. What if she was getting it all wrong and she would admit it when he wasn't even thinking it?
"He's out of the picture," she sounded like a rebellious teenager, refusing to give a straight answer to her indignant father.
Elliot frowned. There was disappointment on his face. "Because he never knew about him?"
His eyes turned red and shiny. Was he fighting back tears? Olivia's heart was breaking. She had to keep reminding herself that he was the one who disappeared on her. She did nothing wrong. But it was hard for her to be like that with him when all she wanted was to comfort him.
"Because he left… and never contacted me again," she said quietly but he heard well.
"Have you ever tried to contact him before or during your pregnancy? What about after the birth?" It was a ridiculous dance.
She looked at him in anger. How could he make reproaches when he disappeared on her the way he did?
"I didn't think he would care, considering how he left me."
"Well, maybe he had a pretty good explanation for that."
Olivia froze. She wanted more than anything to know why he left her without saying goodbye, without staying in touch.
"Maybe I just wasn't important enough for him."
He closed his eyes for a moment and let out air in defeat. "For God's sake, Olivia…" it was like he lost the strength to raise his voice. He was exhausted. "Is Noah my son?"
Finally, a direct question. It hit Olivia like a punch to the face. She was happy he finally asked it, but she was also panicking. The little hope she had that he might not know after all was gone, but now they can remove the bandaid quickly and get it over with.
"Yes, he is," she whispered. Now it was her turn to fight back the tears. Elliot had given up that fight as soon as the words left her mouth. Two shiny streams adorned his cheeks in his silent cry.
"How…" he shook his head as if he was trying to get rid of the shock. "How could you do that without telling me?"
"Excuse me?" Now she was angry again. The rollercoaster of emotions was exhausting. She wanted to yell at him that he had no right to say that to her. "You disappeared on me and ghosted me for a decade, Elliot!" It came out louder than she intended.
"You could've found out where I was!"
"Why? You made it abundantly clear that you didn't want me in your life!"
"Liv…" he started, but Olivia ignored him.
"And for some reason you thought that leaving for ten years without a trace wasn't a clear enough message, so you had to overkill with that letter!"
As soon as she mentioned the letter, Elliot's expression changed. It went from hurt to shame in a split second. He looked at his feet, trying to adjust to the change of topic. When he talked, still looking down, his voice came out quiet and a little muffled. "Sorry about that."
Olivia looked at him for a moment but he didn't look back up. "Why did you give it to me? What was that about?"
He took a deep breath and found her eyes again. The blue in his eyes looked darker than the usual, deeper. His eyes were always expressing so much more than he was saying and that frustrated Olivia. She wanted to grab him and shake him, as if he was a tree with his thoughts hanging from his branches like fruit. If only all it took was a good shake for them to fall off of him, she could pick them up and finally have them all. Never before had she wanted him to reveal everything that was hiding behind his blue eyes like she did now.
"I originally wanted to explain to you why I left the way I did…" he swallowed. "I never told Kathy that, but I think she knew. She convinced me that you probably moved on and didn't need to be pulled back into my orbit – her words. So she… she told me what to write. I was struggling with it."
Olivia's eyes were wide with surprise. Kathy was responsible for that goddamn letter? That thing that broke her into a million pieces? She felt like her brain lost contact with her mouth. No words came out. She had to let him go on.
"I shouldn't have given it to you, I'm sorry. I regretted it the second I saw… Noah."
Her son's name brought back her ability to speak. "You didn't write… any of it?" her voice was shaky and she hated it. "That what we were to each other was never real and that we got in the way of each other being who and where we needed to be?"
"Yeah… those were Kathy's words."
"And if there was a man in my life you hope he's the kind, faithful and devoted… man that I deserved?" that line was particularly hard for her to quote. She couldn't understand how he would just give her away like that when back in the day he would get jealous of the smallest gesture any man would make for her. It hurt like a knife to the heart when she read it the first time, and now it hurt even more to discover that she was being gaslighted by proxy. How could he be so stupid to think that such letter would be a good idea?
"Kathy…"
There was one more line she had to ask about, the one that threw her off the most and haunted her in her dreams last night. Her voice was barely a whisper when it came out. "But in a parallel universe – "
"It will always be you and I. I wrote that. Slipped it in there before sealing the envelope."
Olivia was stunned. It was hard for her to digest what she just heard. This man, her partner for 12 years, who was everything to her… he wrote that line, that was romantic in its nature. There was a parallel universe according to him, in which they got to be together. He came up with it, meaning, he thought about it. Probably a lot. Just like her.
For what felt like hours they just stood there and looked at each other, paralyzed by the huge elephant that appeared in the room when he said those words.
Olivia's head was spinning. Did he just tell her he's always been in love with her? She was so scared to believe something and be gaslighted and broken hearted again.
Elliot cleared his throat. "I wanna be a part of Noah's life."
The change of subject took her by surprise, but Olivia managed to maintain her face sealed. She scoffed. "No. The purpose of the donation you made to me wasn't so that we can start a family together. It was always going to be just my child."
"We never actually discussed it back then," his tone was low as he pronounced every word clearly. It sounded dangerous. She recognized that tone. He was angry. "But you know me, Olivia, I can't have a child and just ignore that he exists."
The sound of her full name coming from him felt ominous. He almost never used it in its full form, it was always the endearing form of it, 'Liv'. Holding onto him would be like taking a handful of water with open fingers.
"He's not your child. You're not his father," she spoke through clenched teeth. If he demands rights as Noah's father, she knew she would lose that battle. They had no written agreement where he waived his rights and he didn't know about Noah, he didn't choose to stay away from him. He has five children and a solid career. Everything was against her, but Olivia was prepared to have the fight of her life. In her mind he had no right to come back after abandoning her for a decade, and demand things. Still, she knew that a war with him would end her even if she won.
Elliot examined her face. There was hurt in his eyes and his expression softened. "I'm not asking you to let me be his father," he said quietly. "I only want to be a part of his life. In any way you'll allow me to be."
Olivia was lost for words. The lump in her throat made her feel overflown with feelings for the man standing in front of her. He was, in his core, the same person she loved all those years ago, the same image that she had put on a pedestal and kept worshiping long after he was gone. The thought made her emotional. It was next to impossible to hold back her tears.
Elliot must have realized she was tearing up because he took a few hesitant steps towards her and placed a comforting hand on her upper arm, "Look, Liv, the situation isn't ideal. We should've discussed every detail of it when you decided to accept my donation, but we didn't. We need to figure it out now, I'm sure we can. I just want to get to know him."
Olivia nodded and swallowed hard, pushing back the lump in her throat. She wished he had kept his warm hand on her. His touch always gave her stability and comfort.
She didn't know how to give him what he wanted now without letting him fully back in her life. But she wasn't ready for that. In her eyes, he had to work for it if that was what he wanted.
"I don't know, Elliot. I'm not sure there's a way to do that right now. We're not friends."
He looked at her, his eyes sparkling again with hurt. "What are we, then?"
"I… I don't know. I don't even know why you left. I can't just pretend the last decade didn't happen, just because you're back now."
"And I'm not asking you to." He closed his eyes for a moment, letting air out. "I should've explained everything in the letter instead of letting Kathy dictate it."
He already said he was sorry, but this felt like an apology, too.
Olivia glanced at the clock on the wall behind him. There was still time until Noah's ride dropped him back at home. "Why don't you explain it to me now?"