The scene of the latest disaster waiting to happen takes place in Ooarai, a famously peaceful town in the Ibaraki Prefecture. Once nown for its large fishing industry, beautiful beach, and the Ooarai Marine Town, Ooarai was a town made famous by one thing: Sensha-do.
In a stunning upset that took the world by storm, Ooarai Girls Academy came from literally nowhere, besting the greatest schools in Japan, claiming victory in the 63rd national tournament, and defeating the seemingly unstoppable All-Star University. As word of their success continued to grow, Ooarai had seen a drastic increase in tourism and became known as the home of heroes who defied all odds.
And guess who thought they would piggyback on their success to improve his own ratings?
"Greetings from Ooarai, Japan!" Chris greeted the viewers enthusiastically popping into the camera view with a complementally pin anglerfish hat on his perfectly coiffed head. "If you're watching this, that means you've tuned in to the most popular reality show in the multiverse: Total Drama!
"We've visited crappy campgrounds, dilapidated film lots, toured the world on a derelict plane, toxic waste dumps, and back to good old crappy campgrounds. And one day I thought to myself: 'Chris, how can you make Total Drama even more awesome than it already is?' And I answered myself: 'By taking it one step further.' And so, thanks to the power of science (and an overwhelming fear of lawsuits), Total Drama has gone where no other reality show has gone before: other dimensions!
"We recently finished filming the first season of our multiverse tour with Total Drama Boiling Isles, and – whoo! – that was a doozy! The drama, the scheme, the backstabbing – and all with post-apocalyptic horror fantasy theme. And now we're coming to you from a world where high school girls can drive takes with no adult supervision! That's a winning combination if I've ever heard one!
"We've invited twenty-two young ladies from different tank school to travel around the world, competing in grueling and hilarious challenges for the amusement of the viewers. These girls may look sweet and innocent, but when the games begin, it's every woman for themselves. And I am going to make millions catching all the hot, sexy cat fights on camera. The prize on the line: a whopping ONE – MILLION – YEN! (which is, like, ten thousand in Canadian money.)
"Our special guests are due to arrive any moment, and then it's an all-out war for the top spot. Eighty days at sea, twenty-two high school girls, and a boatload of cold hard cash. Who will lead the charge to victory? Who will buckle under the weight of defeat? Who will fall in love? Who will get their hearts broken? And who will be the first to puke?
"That's what we're here to find out on TOTAL – DRAMA – PANZER!"
After a toe-tapping opening song and a commercial break about canned anchovies from Anzio, Chris was standing at the end of the dock, staring out at sea as if looking for something. One of the unpaid interns wave their hands, gesturing that they were back on the air.
"Welcome to Total Drama Panzer," Chris greeted with a sparkling smile. "We're about ready to start the show. We're just waiting on our victims – I mean, contestants to show up." He pulled out a pair of binoculars and searched the skies, frowning impatiently. "They'll be here any second now…. That's last time I buy a plane from bum I meet behind a dumpster…."
"Boss, de plane! De plane!" An unpaid intern shouted, pointing to the air.
"No one this century is gonna understand that reference," said Chris, annoyed. But nonetheless, he followed the direction the intern pointed. "Oh yeah, there they are! About time…."
A Douglas C-47 Skytrain appeared over the horizon flying inward from the Pacific Ocean. It looed exactly like the military transport planes used in WWII…probably because it was. Rather than shelling out the money to buy everybody a plane ticket, Chris bought a cheap junker from a military scrapyard and slapped it together with some glue and duct tape. The engine was sputtering black clouds of smog and the wings looked ready to fall off any second.
Inside the plane twenty-two girls were clinging to the hull of the plane out of desperation as the aircraft rattled unsettlingly. The plane didn't have any seats or even seatbelts, so they were all thrown back and forth within the cabin. Katyusha was rolling around the roll lie a helpless turtle, bawling her eyes out, knocking into many people's legs. Wallaby was thrown clean across the cabin after a particularly hard lurch, but was saved from a concussion by the softness of El's bountiful breasts. And Anchovy was sitting on the floor, completely motionless, her eyes glazed over and something spiritual escaping her mouth.
After another painful lurch, Erika tripped over the rolling Katyusha and collapsed on her knees.
"Dear mother of god, we're all going to die!" She cried.
"I – it'll be okay, Erika," said Miho, trying to act positive while she was screaming on the inside. "They wouldn't do anything that would put us in any real danger…right?"
"Have you seen the pilot?" said Emi, grimacing. Everyone looked back to the open cockpit to Chef Hatchet, who was apparently steering the plane using bicycle handlebars. He seemed to sense their gaze and snapped his head back, snarling at them. Several girls squealed in fear.
"Why did I ever agree to this," Alice moaned, her eyes shadows and looking close to vomiting.
"D – Don't give up, Shimada-san!" said Nishi encouragingly. "Just charge your way through your troubles! That always works for me!"
"Yeah, but you're an idiot," Jajka insulted, hurting poor Nishi's feelings.
"Have you all heard this saying?" said Darjeeling, taking a sip from her tea cup. "The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength."
"Your actions don't match your words!" Jajka snapped, noting how the proper woman was spilling tea everyone with an unsteady hand.
At that moment, Chef Hatchet came out of the cockpit carrying a large crate filled with bags. All eyes instinctively went to the pilot's seat; the plane was now being flown by a crowbar with the word "Autopilot" written on a sticky note. Chef Hatchet grabbed the handle of the plane side door…which broke off its hinges and disappeared into the great unknown.
"All right, you maggots!" shouted Chef, tossing a bag to each of the girls; he smacked Anchovy in the face, which brought her back to her senses. "This is your stop! So get your skinny anime butts off this plane! This is a one-time favor I'm doing for Chris, and then I'm headed back to my wife and kids! So – MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!"
"You want us to jump?!" screamed Emi. "Are you out of your mind?!"
"Quit your whining," said Chef dismissively. "I gave you all parachutes."
"Why do these parachutes look like they came out of a dumpster?" asked Kay, noting how her pack was tattered, covered in gravy stains, and had the distinct smell of three-week old tuna.
"There's no way you're making us jump out of this plane," said Erika, putting her foot down. "We absolutely refuse!"
…ten seconds later, Chef turned the plane on its side and dumped all twenty-two girls out the door
Chris chuckled sadistically as he watched Chef give his latest victims the boot through the binoculars. The girls were screaming at the top of their lungs that they could be heard from ground level. He watched them flail around for several seconds until everyone paused and gave their attention to the dark-skinned girl with the maple leaf on her beret. She shouted something and everyone quickly grappled with their packs, looking for the cords.
A thought suddenly occurred to Chris:
"Hey, you made sure we gave them the bags with the parachutes, right?" he asked an unpaid intern. "Not the ones with the life rafts?"
"WHY ARE THERE LIFE RAFTS IN THESE BAGS?!" Erika screamed.
Chris inhaled sharply through his teeth.
One by one, all twenty-two contestants hit the water close to the docks with heavy splashes. Chris and the unpaid interns approached the edge of the docks with concerned looks (because of the potential lawsuits, not because they cared about the girls' safety.) After almost a minute, none of the contestants came back up.
"…Fire up the machine, 'cause we gotta get the heck out of this dimension," Chris muttered awkwardly to an intern. Thankfully, one of the contestants surfaces a few seconds later, clutching on to a life raft and taking a huge breath of air. The rest of the cast started popping up afterwards. "Never mind! We're good!"
With the help of the interns, the girls were pulled from the ocean one after another under they were safely on solid ground. Most were on their hands and knees, gasping for breath, while others looked dead to the world.
"Now that everyone's here, let's me out contestants," said Chris, ignoring the potential lifetime of trauma he may have caused to a bunch of high school girls. The first he approached was the girl with the giant red bow. "From Tatenashi High School, we have Shizuka Tsuruki. So, Shizuka, how was your first experience on Total Drama?"
"I have fought on countless battlefields against many powerful adversaries," Shizuka mumbled in a hollow voice. "But never have I come so close to death…. You have earned my fear and respect, McLean-Dono."
"Trust me, it's only gonna get worse," said Chris enthusiastically before moving on to a blonde girl wearing an outfit that looked straight out of the Crocodile Hunter. "And from the land down under, here's Wallaby from Koala Forest Academy. 'Ello mate, ya bonzer there!" he asked in a terrible Australian accent.
"I'm Japanese, ya bloody wanker," said Wallaby, yet somehow speaking with a perfect Australian accent. "Bugger off, will ya? I think I'm gonna chunder me brekkie."
"…I have no idea what you said, but sounds good to me!" said Chris brightly.
Having been on the receiving end of hundreds of lawsuits and death threats, Chris had an Ultra Instinct for sensing when his life was in danger. And right now, he was sensing overwhelming bloodlust coming from Jajka. The furious blonde stomped across the docks, heavy amounts of make up running down her face, absolutely seething. She marched up to the host and hit him repeatedly ion the chest…who really didn't feel a thing because she was a little high school girl and he was an adult who spent years in prison.
"You jerk!" Jajka openly cried, her personality doing a one-eighty from normal while pointlessly pounding his chest. "I was really scared! I thought I was gonna die! Jerk! Meanie! Baka!"
"I didn't know Jajka could be cute," Nishi whispered to Anchovy.
"Is this what they call gap moe?" Anchovy whispered back.
"Heh, that tickles," Chris laughed, casually pushing Jajka away. "Meet Jajka from Bonple High School. She may act tough, but she's as soft as a marshmallow."
"Baka!" Jajka cried.
"There, there," Aung broke away from the group, throwing her arm around Jajka's shoulder for comfort. "Let's get you out of those clothes. And some cosmetics, too – you're make up is running."
"Baka…," Jajka whimpered, allowing herself to be pulled away.
"And that was Aung from Tategoto High School," Chris introduced to the viewers. He crossed the docks and approached a certain green-haired, twintailed commander who was leaning over the edge, heaving loudly. "And over here puking her guts out is Anchovy from Anzio High School. Tell me, Anchovy, out of all the nicknames you could have chosen for yourself, why pick the most disgusting pizza topping nobody wants?"
"BLAARGH!" Anchovy answered eloquently.
"Hmm, I never thought of that," Chris hummed, stroking his chin thoughtfully.
"Um, I think she really needs to see a doctor," said Miho in concern, kneeling next to Anchovy and rubbing soothing circles on her back.
"And you must be Miho Nishizumi from Ooarai Girls Academy, I presume," Chris greeted the teen casually. "I've only been in this dimension a couple days, but it sounds like you're pretty famous. Almost as famous as me (but for completely different reasons.) Why don't you say a few words to the fans at home?"
"W-who? Me?" Miho stammered, standing up and facing the camera. She acted flustered, looking side to side trying to think of what to say, and ended up doing a traditional Japanese bow. "I – I'll give it my best! I hope we can all get along! I'll be in your care!"
"That was…boring," said Chris unenthusiastically; Miho made a shocked anime noise. "Next we have – "
Chris trailed of when he felt someone tapping his shoulder. Quirking his brow curiously, the host turned around to face Darjeeling. There was something sinister about the delicately sweet smile on her lips, especially when she was holding the chipped handle of what used to be her favorite tea cup.
"Have you heard this saying?" said Darjeeling in a strained voice. "Hell hath no fury like a woman royally pissed off."
"I don't think that's the saying" Miho commented.
"It is now," Darjeeling retorted sharply.
"Yes, ma'am!" Miho conceded quickly.
'And next on our list of contestants is Darjeeling from St. Gloriana Girls' College" Chris introduced her…while subtly backing away. "Who is honestly kinda scaring me right now."
"As it should be," said Darjeeling evenly.
"Oh, my Darling~" the properly lady was nearly bowled over as Kay suddenly glommed onto her from the side. Something that everyone noticed right away was that Kay had stripped down to a red, white, and blue bikini that was a few sizes too small. The wild blonde seemed to be purposely pushing her breasts in Darjeeling's face, to which the proper lady turned her head away, her cheeks dusted pink.
"Miss Kay, please put some clothes on," said Darjeeling in a would-be harsh tone. "Don't act so crass in public."
"But Darling," Kay breathed into Darjeeling's ear sensually. "I'm so wet…. And my clothes are, too…."
One could imagine Darjeeling steaming like a tea kettle.
"I think we know who the fan favorite this season is," Chris laughed amusingly. "Ladies and gentleman, Kay from Saunders University High School."
"Hello!" Kay waved at the camera cheerfully, though the cameraman's eyes were a little lower. "Be sure to cheer me on!"
"This is gonna be our highest rated season yet," Chris chuckled.
"Hey! Hey!" A shrill, high-pitched voice reached Chris's ears, but he couldn't find the owner when he looked around until he felt someone pulling on his pant leg. "Down here, piroschki!" Chris looked down at a certain adorably tiny commander with her cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk. "How dare you have Katyusha thrown out of a plane! Katyusha will have you purged!"
"Well, if it isn't little Katyusha from Pravda High School," said Chris, shocking Katyusha with his nonchalance. "How's it going down there, shorty?"
"Katyusha isn't short!" Katyusha yelled indignantly. "Katyusha is still growing!"
"Didn't you stop growing in middle school?" Kay remarked bluntly.
"Shut up!" Katyusha screamed.
"Loos like they're having fun," Chris laughed at their expense. His next target was the only other girl besides Anchovy wearing a cape. She had finished wringing out her hat and topping it on her head, which looked like a pair of bat ear. "Marina Constantinescu from Count High School. Marina, according to my sources (I.E. the Wikipedia page I skimmed over), your school has never competed in any competitions in the past. What do you think your chances are at winning Total Drama Panzer?"
Rather than responding, Marina gave a condescending chuckle and reached under her cloak, whipping out a deck of cards (which were somehow miraculously dry.) She swiped the topmost card on the dec like she was in a card game anime, flipped around with her fingers, and looked it over with a smirk.
"The money card facing right-side up," said Marina proudly. "This card symbolizes large amounts of money, the 'wealth of the earth' and points to a financially secure future. Success and prosperity are within reach. As you can see, I have already won."
"What utter nonsense," said Jajka snidely, having appeared to calm down and collect herself. "You can't believe you're going win just because a piece of paper said so, can you?"
"My predictions are always one hundred percent accurate," said Marina condescendingly. "Of course, I wouldn't expect someone who lost in the very first round of the national tournament to understand."
"What was that?!" Jaja screamed in outrage and had to be physically restrained by Aung and Shizuka. "You didn't even compete in the tournament, bitch!"
"Calm yourself, Jajka-dono!" Shizuka yelled while dodging her flailing fists.
"This season just gets better and better," Chris muttered amusingly to the camera. He looked around for his next target and his eye fell on a blue-haired girl doubled over holding her stomach. Chris smirked at the camera devilishly and approached her. "You're Éclair, right? Rom Maginot Girl's College?"
"Y-yeah, that's…that mean," Éclair moaned, trying her best to smile despite the overwhelming pain in her abdomen.
"You good there?" asked Chris.
"I – I'm fine," said Éclair. "Just a bit of a stomachache. It'll pass…."
"Well, that's good to here," said Chris with a sadistic tone of voice. "I thought you might be worried considering you're gonna be traveling around the world for three months, leaving your teammates to fend for themselves, potentially replacing you while you're gone. And that's not even getting into the fact that you'll be competing in dozens of gruelingly painful challenges against some of the toughest people in the country – "
"Uh, boss, she's down," the cameraman pointed out, gesturing to Éclair, who was curled up in a ball holding her stomach.
"…Eh, I'm sure she's fine," Chris waved it off indifferently.
The host let Éclair lying on the ground as he approached the next contestants, the dark-skinned girl with the maple leaf beret. She cared herself with a cool and aloof demeanor as she dried out her hair. She spared Chris a cursory glance as he approached her, but quickly became disinterested.
"Hey there, Trout," said Chris enthusiastically with playful finger guns. "Maple High School, am I right? Always nice to meet a fellow Canuck. How're you feeling about the competition so far?"
"First off," said Maple coolly, "Maple High School may have relations with Canada, but that doesn't make us Canadian, nor do it make us associated in any way. And secondly, I intend to destroy the competition and cement Maple High's legacy. I don't care if I have to go through Nishizumi or Tsuruki. Everyone will kknow Maple High's name when I win."
"It's nice to have goals, no matter how unrealistic," said Chris tauntingly. Before Trout could get in a word, Chris shoved her aside and took a step forward to the next girl standing behind her; a blonde girl wearing a Viking hat. "Semla from Viggen High School. Welcome to the show. Love the hat."
"Thanks, it's my favorite," said Semla excitedly, readjusting her helmet. "I'm so happy to be invited!"
"That won't last long," Chris remarked under his breath.
"Oh, before I forget, I got you a present, Chris," said Semla, reaching behind her back.
"Thank you, Semla," said Chris, shooting looks at the other contestants. "It's nice to know someone appreciates my hard work."
"Here ya go!" shouted Semla proudly. Chris jumped out of the way as the Viking girl dumped a heavy-looking box at his feet along with a five-hundred-page instruction manual. Where was she hiding that?! "That there's a genuine grade-A ypperlig. One of the best products in Viggin High."
"Great, just what I needed," said Chris sarcastically. "Crap from the IKEA school."
Suddenly, he felt someone bumping into his leg. At first, he thought it was Katyusha coming to "purge" him again, but it turned out to be another little girl only a few inches taller than the Pravda commander. The shadow over her eyes gave her the impression that she was prepared to collapse at any moment while clutching a battered and bandaged teddy bear to her chest.
"Well, well, if it isn't Alice Shimada from All-Star University," said Chris, addressing the camera. "Despite her age, Alice is a child prodigy and the only contestant here in college. How're you holding up there, kiddo?" he asked Alice.
"I'm…I'm good," said Alice weakly. She tried (pathetically) to flex. "Even if I get knocked down…I'll get right back up…just like Boko…."
"Aw, isn't that cute – " Chris started, reaching out to pat her head –
And then an army of police suddenly rolled up to their pier, sirens wailing, and every officer aimed their guns at Chris. The TV show host stopped dead in his tracks sweating. He pulled his hand back slowly…and the police drove away without a word. After an awkward moment of silence, Chris reached out again and the police flood back immediately…then disappeared when he pulled away…then came back again…and went away again….
"What the heck is with everyone?!" yelled Chris.
"It's Japan, boss," said an unpaid intern.
"Oh, right…," Chris remembered with a dry look. "Ugh, fine, whatever. Let's see, who's next – "
"Ooh, ooh, me! Pick me, McLean-san!" an overenthusiastic girl with long black hair raised her hand.
"Nishi Kinuyo from Chi-Ha-Tan Academy," Chris introduced. "You're looking pretty spry for someone who just fell out of a plane."
"Yes, it was a valuable learning experience, McLean-san!" shouted Nishi happily, bowing at the waist. "Now I can proudly say I know what it feels like to be thrown out of a plane! Thank you very much!"
"You're not exactly the brightest bulb, are you?" said Chris awkwardly.
"It's shameful!" Nishi declared overdramatically. "To think my unworthy lack of worldly knowledge would be seen right away! I apologize for my inadequacy, McLean-san! I will endeavor to improve myself!"
"…I know a guy on the Boiling Isles you'd get along great with," Chris commented.
"Hey…hey, hey…," Chris looed curiously to his left, feeling someone poking at his arm. He found himself looking down at another blonde girl (how are there so many blondes in Japan?) waving a plumed fan. "Where's the cake bar. I'm hungry."
"And hello to you, Marie from BC Freedom Academy," said Chris sarcastically. "Sorry, but no cake bar just yet. You're gonna have to wait until – "
"No cake bar?!" Marie gasped in horror. "What's the point of being on this show if there's no cake?!"
"Uh, the million yen?" Chris answered with uncertainty.
"I'm leaving," Marie decided immediately, turning and walking away. "Good luck, everybody!"
"You can't go anywhere, Marie," Chris warned, presenting a large stack of legal papers. "You signed a contract. You're in it for the long haul."
"Don't care," said Marie with a huff. At this, Chris rolled his eyes before snapping his fingers. A pair of unpaid interns immediately flanked Marie, grabbing her by the arms, and dragged her bac to the docks. "No! Let me go! I'm hungry! Let me eat ca-a-a-a-ke!"
While the dessert ravenous commander was physically restrained by the interns, Chris's ears perked up as a set of musical notes carried across the pier. He followed the sound to another young girl wearing a bucket hat, sitting elegantly on a pier piling while dripping wet, her fingers plucking the strings of her instrument.
"And on the kantele, we have Mika from Jatkosota High School," Chris introduced. "And clever anecdotes you want to add to this three-ring circus, Mika?"
"It would appear that a new wind is blowing," said Mika cryptically with an eerie-calm smile. "I wonder where it will carry us."
"…yeah, I don't get it," said Chris, scratching his head in confusion. That's when he realized his new anglerfish hat he just bought had mysteriously gone missing. "Hey, has anyone seen my hat?"
"Good luck getting that back," remarked a twin-tailed redhead, who was dumping a gallon of water out of her boot.
"Ah, Emi Nakasuga from Bellwall Academy," said Chris lightly. "Feeling stoked about getting to travel across the globe?"
"I didn't even want to be here," said Emi, frowning as she put her boot back. "But my so-called teammates signed me on without telling me I'm gonna kick their butts when I get back."
"At least you have something to look forward to," said Chris amusingly.
Just then, he suddenly felt a presence behind him that made his whole body tense up. He took a quick step away, spinning around, and engaged in a staring contest with a creepy dark-haired girl who didn't seem to blink.
"Er, Kefka from Gregor High School, right?" Chris asked uncertainly.
Kefka didn't respond. She just kept staring.
"So…how're you feeling about the competition?" Chris tried again, sweating nervously.
~Sta-a-a-are~
"Uh…great…talking to you," said Chris, backing away slowly.
"You shouldn't worry too much about," said a young lady wearing a wide headdress, carrying herself with the same air of refinement as she appeared at his side. "She may not look like it, but Kefka very shy and self-conscious. She just needs time to get used to things."
She offered a friendly wave to Kefka, who suddenly gained a little color in her face, and looked away shyly.
"Everyone, say hello to Bosporus from Kebab High School," Chris introduced the girl to the audience. "I heard you're a huge fan of coffee, Bosporus. What's your take on the whole coffee vs. tea debate?"
"Well, I certainly have my own opinions," said Bosporus in a polite tone while shooting challenging glance in Darjeeling's direction. "But I believe that is a discussion for another time."
"Oh, I'm looking forward to it," said Chris, grinning maniacally. "Next up we have El from Blue Division High School. Has anyone seen El?"
"Over here! I'm over here!"
Someone broke from the rest of the crowd, running up to the reality show host to make herself known. Which the exception of her tanned skin and darker hair, she could easily be mistaken for a clone of Kay. Especially how her exceedingly large breasts bounced around wildly in her open shirt.
"El here!" shouted El cheerfully, jumping up and down on the spot, her breasts bouncing hypnotically. "I'm so excited to get started! I've always wanted to travel the world! Are we ever gonna visit Spain? Because my old daycare teacher was from Spain, and he told about all kind of place I wanna visit!"
"I thin ay may have some competition," Chris chuckled. His intern, however, stood frozen pointing the camera at El's bountiful bosom instead of him! Annoyed, Chris slapped him over the head, snapping him out of his stupor. "And last, and certainly least, we have Erika Itsumi from Kuromorimine Girls' Academy."
"Hey, what do you mean 'least?'" Erika shouted indignantly. "I'm the commander of Kuromorimine's sensha-do team! You should show your respects – hey, are you listening?! Don't ignore me!"
"And there you have I folks!" said Chris enthusiastically to the camera, purposely ignoring Erika's seething rage. "For the next three months, these lovely ladies will be setting sails on the high seas, traveling to far exotic lands on a voyage to a million big ones!"
"Excuse me," El cut him of raisin her hand curiously. "But how exactly are we getting there?"
"Yeah, where's our ship?" asked Anchovy gesturing to the empty port.
"Oh, it should be along any moment now," said Chris giddily.
"What kind of ship do you think it will be?" Miho asked Erika, whispering behind her hand
"After that ramshackle of a plane," Erika whispered back, "I'm getting It's another old clunker. Or maybe even a garbage barge – "
"Thar she blows!" Chris shouted, pointing out at sea.
The twenty-two contestants followed his direction and unconsciously made a mixture of shocked and awed noises.
Rather than the garbage barge that Erika had predicted, a massive thousand-foot length luxury cruise ship steadily waded into port. While nowhere close to the size of a school carrier, most of the girls found themselves tilting their heads back with dropped jaws; Anchovy ended up falling over and hitting the back of her head on the concrete. The luxury liner came to a slow stop beside the docks, blowing their horns.
"Welcome to the S.S. Total Drama!" said Chris, gesturing to the ship dramatically. "Your new home for the rest of the season!"
"Holy cow!"
"It's huge!"
We get to stay here?!"
"Is this why you had us flying in that dangerously derelict plane?" asked Darjeeling.
"Yep," Chris answered unbashful. "We pretty much blew our entire budget on this baby. But the private hot tub and massage parlor make it worth every yen."
"Where did you get the money for this?" asked Alice curiously.
"Funny you should ask that…," said Chris, laughing wickedly.
FLASHBACK
" – and that's my idea for making the greatest reality TV show ever!" said Chris charismatically, wrapping up his sixty-slide long presentation. "So, what do you think?"
Chiyo Shimada looked heavily amused, hiding her smile behind her fan. Her…college…Shiho Nishizumi was the opposite, sitting with her arms crossed, her perpetual scowl tarnishing her otherwise lovely face.
Neither of them really understood how this strange man – this Chris McLean – managed to trick them into getting together and listening to his proposal. He seemed to have a natural talent for deception and manipulation; a trait to be admired in their line of profession. He had spent the good part of an hour going over his idea on a reality TV show about the commanders from almost two dozen Sensha-do schools compete in a series of ridiculous challenges. Chiyo admitted that it did seem like a good way to promote sensha-do using famous girls like Alice and Shihio's daughter when the sport was facing decline in recent times.
Shiho, on the other hand….
"Mr. McLean," said the Nishizumi matriarch slowly. "I commend you for your well-thought-out presentation, and the fact that you managed to keep us here long enough to listen. But – " she added sharply, leering. "I have seen nothing that shows how this will promote the Sensha-do Federation. According to your proposal there won't even be any tanks on this show. How does that help us?"
"The reason why the sport is declining is because people are losing interest," Chris answered right away. "But people love reality TV – especially filled with drama. If people around the world watch the show, then the contestants will become globally famous. And if they get famous, then more people will be interested in driving tans people famous people are doing it. It's classic mob mentality."
"He makes a good point," said Chiyo. "If we can call attention to Sensha-do, then does the method really matter?"
"Hmm, I suppose not," said Shiho, owing her head in thought. "But I hesitate to expose my daughter to this ridiculous circus performance. Despite how she acts as commander, she is a very sensitive girl. I don't want her getting hurt."
"I don't think we have anything to worry about," said Chiyo kindly, resting her hand on top of Shiho's "Alice and Miho strong girls capable of taking care of themselves. We should have more faith in them, my dear."
Shiho looked down at Chiyo's hand, then to her sweet smiling face. There was a moment of silence shared between them before Shiho sighed in defeat, returning her gaze to the strange foreigner.
"How much do you want?" she asked.
Chris rubbed his hands wickedly, eyes lighting up with yen signs.
"Exactly how much did you as to pay for all this?" asked Miho sweatdropping while taking another look at the obscenely luxurious sea vessel.
"Let's just say you mom's not my biggest fan right now," said Chris, chortling. "Now enough chit-chat. Let's get this show on the road! All aboard!"
The contestants walked up the ramp that had been lowered with Chris and his army of interns leading the rear so that no one (namely Marie) tried to make an escape. Once on the main deck, they saw a spotted an Olympic-sized wimmin pool on their right surrounded by dozens of lounge chairs, a tiki bar that was manned by a familiar blonde barmaid, and a loudmouthed radio operator at the DJ booth.
"Isn't that Cutlass from the Donzoko Bar?" asked Miho curiously.
"Hey, I didn't know Alisa was here!" said Kay, waving cheerfully at her teammate. "Hey, Alisa!"
"Hey what gives!" Éclair said to Chris outrageously. "I thought we were supposed to be the only contestants!"
"You are," said Chris casually. "But, like I said, we kinda blew out budget getting this ship. I hired a bunch of your classmates to work for school credit. You might see a few familiar faces around here."
With almost comedic timing, a certain speed demon rom St. Gloriana was spotted zooming across the deck, her foot stuck in a mop bucket, being chased by a helmet-wearing strategist from Chi-Ha-Tan shouting, "Come back, Rosehip-dono!" Darjeeling touched her forehead, feeling a migraine coming on.
"Anyway, welcome to the main deck," said Chris, gesturing to the area, "where you will be allowed to spend your free time in the lap of luxury between challenges. There are also a whole bunch of neat places on this ship like – "
"A twenty-four-hour indoor and sauna," a sharp, almost commanding voice cut Chris off. The TV host stepped aside awkwardly as a severe-looking woman appeared, carrying clipboard that showed she meant business. "A massage parlor and recreational lounge, a basketball court with available equipment for most sports, and movie theater with most streaming services. A little excessive, in my opinion."
"Onee-chan!" gasped Miho.
"Commander Nishizumi!" Erika gapped, equally stunned by her former commander's appearance. "What are you doing here? I thought you were attending university in Germany."
"I'm off for the holidays," said Maho simply. "As heir of the Nishizumi family, it's my duty to ensure that all our assets are properly handled on for this…program." She turned her back on the group, maintaining the image that she was being strict and severe. But what none of them realized was that Maho had become visibly flustered muttering to herself. "I can't let them know that the real reason I joined this dumb show is because I'm worried about little sister running off on her own to strange places."
"Uh, excuse me," said Chris, tapping her shoulder in annoyance. "I'm the one who's supposed to be explaining things – "
"And we're already four minutes behind schedule," said Maho critically, making Chris lean back fearfully. "So instead of running your mouth, perhaps you could get on with it."
"Y-Yes, ma'am," Chris stuttered fearfully.
"I like her," said Bosporus; Kefka gasped horrifically.
The next stop on their tour was the dining room. Compared to the rest of the ship, it was rather simplistic with only two long tables able to seat a dozen people each comfortably. Both tables were covered by smooth silk clothes with decorate brass candelabras, plates made from the finest China, and sterling silverware. Along the backwall was a counter was counter that opened up to a large kitchen filled with the latest in culinary equipment. A dozen high school girls were running around in back, all of them wearing the Anzio pizza badge on their uniforms.
"This is the dining area," Chris explained, "where you'll enjoy best meals you can buy from unpaid manual labor."
"Just leave it to us, Duce!" shouted Pepperoni enthusiastically, appearing at the counter wielding a pair of spatulas like a mighty kung-fu chef. "We'll make you food so good, it'll send your taste buds to heaven."
"Well, at least we know we won't go hungry," said Trout. "Anzio has a reputation for making the best meals."
"Blue Division is proud of our culinary skills too, you know," El boasted.
"But where's the cake bar…," Marie moaned.
CONFESSIONALS
Chris: And what would a Total Drama season be without the good ol' confessional booths. And for once, it's not in a crappy toilet. Commanders will be able to share their thoughts and opinions with the entire viewing world, vent their frustrations, maybe even share a secret or two.
BZZT
Jajka: Shimda already has an unfair advantage because her mother in financing this show. And Nishizumi has double because both her mother and sister are involved. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. Whisper a few words in the right ears, and I could turn the whole cast against them.
BZZT
Emi: I didn't really want to join, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little happy to be with Miho again. We have a little history and we didn't exactly leave on the best of terms. I'm hoping to use this time to make up for it.
BZZT
Semla: Viggen's never been the most popular school, so I'm gonna use this to prove to everyone that Viggen is capable of more than just building reliable furniture."
BZZT
Katyusha: (Only the top of her head appears on screen) Hey, where's the camera?!"
Chris and Maho led the commanders to the middle deck where they stood in a long hallway with doors lined up on either side.
"One of the perks of staying on this awesome cruise ship is that there's enough space for everyone to have their own personal room," said Chris, earning relieved sighs from some girls and disappointed frowns from others. "One team will stay on this floor, and the other team will stay on the floor above."
"What're the teams?" asked Aung.
"We'll assign them after the tour," Maho answered simply.
"Are you sure there isn't anyone way we could…bunk up," asked Kay, shooting a sensual smirk in Darjeeling's direction, who turned her head to hide her reddening cheeks.
"Nope, the boss ladies make it very clear that there would be no funny business on this ship," said Chris sternly shaking his head. "That's why we are enforcing a strict eleven P.M. curfew with mandatory room checks. Anyone not in their rooms or caught sneaking out will have to deal with our crack security team."
"What security team?" asked Wallaby.
"I'm so-o-o glad you ask," said Chris, snickering devilishly. "Oh, ladies~"
It happened so fast, no one had any time to blink or act surprised. Before they knew what had happened, Kay was slingshot to the ceiling with a startled yelp. There was a flurry of movement and blonde bombshell suddenly found herself dangling from the ceiling by an intricate weave of rope that looked straight out of BDSM play.
Her assailants landed in front of the commanders, seemingly popping out of thin air. Both of them were tall – taller than any of them – and were armed with full military spec-ops gear including dark clothing bulletproof vests, a belt full of assorted tools and weapons, and night vision goggles.
The commanders backed away, trembling in fear of the intimidating security guards. Except for Katyusha, who narrowed her eyes thoughtfully for a moment before they flashed in recognition.
"Nonna? Klara?" she said aloud.
The commanders paused and stared; first at Katyusha, then at the security team. After a brief moment of award staring, the guards removed their goggles, revealing the smiling faces of Nonna and Klara from Pravda.
"As expected of Katyusha," Nonna praised. "Of course you would see through our disguises."
"Здравствуй, Катюша," said Klara, waving cheerfully.
"Nonna and Klara are here, too?" asked Miho, surprised.
"Yep," said Chris brightly. "Nonna and Klara have agreed to watch you girls so that none of you have…too much fun. And the best part: they're doing it for free."
"Well, not that I'm complaining," Katyusha hummed, crossing her arms thoughtfully. "But why would you two suddenly decide to work here?"
"Isn't it obvious?" said Nonna; her and klara's eyes suddenly looked lifeless. "The thought of three months without Katyusha makes us want to perish slowly in the biting cold of the Siberian winter."
"HAVE SOME SELF-PRESERVATION, YOU IDIOTS!" Katyusha snapped.
The commanders were eventually led to the ship's auditorium, where they were seated in the front row of in front of the raised stages. On stage, Chris stood behind a polished mahogany podium with a giant camo-pattern flag hanging on the wall behind him with the letters TDP stitched it red fabric. Maho stood dutifully to his left holding a thin case.
"One of the staples of Total Drama is the dramatic elimination ceremony," said Chris, speaking into the podium's microphone. "But to match the military theme you all got going on, we'll be calling it…the Honorable Discharge Ceremony. After each challenge, one team will be sent here to vote off one of their own."
Maho presented him with the case which he opens and pulls out a plastic medal with his face stamped on the front.
"Each contestant who receives one of these fancy immunity medals will be safe from elimination," Chris continued. "The commander who doesn't receive a medal will immediately walk the Deck of Shame," he pointed to the double doors in the back, which led back to the main deck, "board the Dinghy of Losers, and paddle back home. And you can never come back. Ever!"
The emphasis he put behind his words made everyone realize that this was really happening; they were all competing to win the ultimate prize. That meant everyone around them was a potential enemy. Erika was already sizing up the competition; Jajka was making plans in her head how to eliminate everyone; Darjeeling and Bosporus were shooting dangerous looks at each other; Emi glanced sideways at Miho with uncertainty.
"And that concludes our tour," said Chris, clapping his hands to catch everyone's attention. "Now for the next part of our show: choosing teams. Maho?"
"Everyone has been assigned a team based on random lottery," said Maho professionally, looking over her clipboard. "When I call your name, please move to the left side of the stage. Alice Shimada, Wallaby, Bosporus, Erika Itsumi, Semla, Éclair, Nishi Kinuyo, Mika, Jajka, Kay, and Katyusha."
The commanders who were called rose from their seats and made their way up the steps to the stage. While Kay looked enthusiastic to be called, Darjeeling watched her go with a look of longing. Erika briefly exchanged looks with Miho as she walked past before turning her nose up with a huff. Miho was confused by this gesture, but Emi regarded it with suspicion. And she took her place on stage, Mika stood directly beside Alice, smiling sweetly at the young girl; Alice didn't know why this stranger was acting so friendly toward her.
"As of today, your team will be called…the Battered Bokos," Chris told the team.
"Boko!" Alice squealed, her eyes sparkling.
"You can't be serious," Erika grimaced.
"Hey, I didn't make the names," said Chris, shrugging.
"The rest of you who are called, please stand to the right of the stage," Maho announced professionally again. "Miho Nishizumi, Emi Nakasuga, Anchovy, Marina Constantinescu, Darjeeling, El, Shizuka Tsuruki, Kafka, Marie, Trout, and Aung."
Everyone waited until the remaining contestants moved to their designated position. Marie had be lifted lie a sac of potatoes by El when she refused to move moaning about the cake bar. Kafka climbed the stairs and stared at the opposite team, feeling her chest tighten as she watched Bosporus have a pleasant conversation with Éclair. Emi was the last to reach the stage, trailing behind Miho. She considered reaching out to her, maybe saying a few words to her childhood friend, but she was quicly shoved to the wayward by a surprisingly enthusiastic Shizuka.
"Isn't this great, Miho-tan!" Shizuka squealed. "We're on the same team together!"
"Y-yeah, it's great," said Miho awkwardly. "I'll be in your care, Tsuruki-san."
"Team two, you will be henceforth be called…the Pummeled Puchys!" Chris announced.
"That's the English version of Boko's name!" Miho gasped in delight.
"You really named both teams after Boko?" asked Trout incrediously.
"Hey, their moms are the ones footing the bill," said Chris defensively.
Some time later after the teams had been selected and the commanders were free to move around the ship, Chris and Maho moved to the ship's bridge, where the captain and crew (all of them high school girls from various school ships) were making final preparations.
"And that should wrap things up for the day," Chris spoke to the camera. "Twenty-two girls, two teams, and a whole lot of drama in store. Sadly, that means its time to say goodbye to good ol' Ooarai and hit the high seas."
At the cue, Maho gestured to the ship's captain, who returned it with a thumbs-up.
With one short blast from the foghorn, the S.S. Total Drama began to pull away from the port. Miho stood at the bow lof the ship watching the Japanese mainland sail further away as they steadily treaded deeper into the open ocean, uncertainty welling in her stomach as the sun began to set over the horizon. She wasn't the only one either: all the commanders were watching their homeland fade from various points of the ship.
This would be the first time they had traveled beyond the Japanese waters; it was both exciting and nerve-wracking.
"And we're off!" Chris announced excitedly. "Who will win the sweet cash prize, and who will go home crying to their mommies? Find out on the next thrilling episode of Total – Drama – Panzer!
"…did anyone find my hat?"
Commanders Remaining: 22
Bruised Bokos: Alice, Wallaby, Bosporus, Erika, Semla, Éclair, Nishi, Mika, Jajka, Kay, Katyusha
Pummeled Punchys: Miho, Emi, Anchovy, Marina, Darjeeling, El, Shizuka, Kafka, Marie, Trout, Aung