[Season 2 opening credits]
In the not-to-distant future
Next Sunday A.D.
There was a guy named Joel
Not too different from you or me
He worker at Gizmonic Institute
Just another face in a red jumpsuit
He did a good job cleaning up the place
But his bosses didn't like him so they shot him into space!
"We'll send him cheesy fanfic!
The worst we can find! (la la la)
He'll have to sit and read them all
And we'll monitor his mind!" (la la la)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
Where the fanfics begin or end (la la la)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends
Robot Roll Call (all right let's go)
Cambot! (Pan left)
Gypsy! (Hi, girl!)
Tom Servo! (What a cool guy!)
Crooooow! (Oh, wisecracker!)
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes
And other science facts (la la la)
Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a MSTing
I should really just relax"
For The Mysterious Fanfiction Theater 2000!
[The Sence opens with Joel in Satellite of love]
Joel: Hi everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. After watching
all these bad movies, we thought we'd like to experience what it's
like to act in a cheesy movie. Today we're learning the dramatic
pause.
Tom: I am a creature of...the night.
Joel: Tom's a vampire and Crow is a Shao-Lin priest.
Crow: Come to Chinatown. Ask for...Crow. I will help you.
Tom: I do not drink...wine.
Crow: To the blind...all is beautiful.
[Mads light starts flashing]
Joel: Ok, that's enough, Spunky and Brewster are calling.
[Joel smacks a random button on the console. Scene changes to
the Deep 13 Laboratory.]
Dr. Forrester: Hello, booby. Are you ready for this week's invention
exchange?
[Satellite of Love]
Joel: Well, Sirs, since the only recreational TV you give us is the first
15 minutes of Xbox Mascot...
Crow: {whispering to Tom} At least they don't send us Deep Space 9!
Joel: We thought we'd come up with our own Star Trek plot lines. To make it easier, we took a hint from the Chinese restaurant industry and created some easy to use menus. Tom?
Tom: I'll take one from column A, one from column B, and one from column C
please.
Joel: Ok, Tom, that gives you 'The Enterprise must save an alien race
from extinction, Geordi falls in love...
Crow: Again...
Joel: ...and they have a nice moral for the ending.' Crow?
Crow: I'll have two from column B, and one from column C.
Joel: Ok, Crow. That gives you 'Worf must recover his family's honor...
Tom: Again...
Joel: ...Data tries to develop a sense of humor...
Tom & Crow: ...again
Joel: ...and they have a nice moral for the ending.' What do you think, Sirs?
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: Well, Mr. Pie-in-the-sky, have I got something to show you! C'mere
Frank!
TV's Frank: Yes, Brigadier of Evil?
Clayton: No, that's Group Captain of Evil. [turns back to camera. Holds
up a cheap plastic gun] I like to call this invention my Shatnerizer. [He shoots TV's Frank]
TV's Frank: No! Don't...shoot!
Clayton: As you can see, booby, TV's Frank's personality has been
*COMPLETELY* submlimated! In its place, I've substituted that
of the archetypical Bad Actor: William Shatner!
[SOL]
Joel, Crow & Tom: You FIEND!
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: Why, thank you, boobobulous.
TV's Frank [in background]: My ship! What...have you done...with my ship?
Dr. Forrester: Shut up Frank! Joel, this week's torture isn't a movie.
Rather, it's a fanfic. A Parody fanfic in fact.
Crow, Tom, Joel: WHEW!
Clayton: Aboard the Starship Enterprise.
Crow, Tom, Joel: NOOOOOO!
Tom: The horror! The horror!
[Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts]
Joel: We've got MOVIE SIGN...Woooah!
[Joel slams random button, and we cut to the opening doors sequence]
[6][5][4][3][2][1]
[Inside the theatre]
[Joel carries Tom to his seat on the left, while Crow sits to Joel's right]
Michaelsar12 presents
Tom: High on the hill sat the lonely goatherd! Yadalee! Yadaloohoo!
Kilala Reno in Wonderland
Tom: Like the size of its nacelles.
Crow: It's not how big the nacelles are, it's how well you -
Tom & Joel: Crow!
Chorus: Kilala Reno in Wonderland
Tom: Kilala Princesses? Evidentially, spelling and grammar aren't thought of
either!
Male Chorus: How do you get to Wonderland?
Crow: My diodes are tingling. This is going to be a bad one.
Joel: Oh, I don't know...
Chorus: Over the hills or underland
Or just behind a tree?
When clouds go rolling by
Crow: Like fairy tales looking for a good time.
Male Chorus: They roll away and leave the sky
Tom: Grammar are irrelevant. You will being assimilated.
Crow: Punctuation is futile!
Chorus: Where is the land beyond the eye
The people cannot see?
Where can it be?
Joel: Oh, the Borg are only perusing them. That assimilation
thing must get boring after awhile.
Male Chorus: Where do stars go?
Where is the crescent moon?
Tom: Unless one had been built by IBM.
Female Chorus: They must be somewhere in the sunny afternoon
Tom: ...in that they both liked catfish and squaredancing.
Chorus: Kilala Reno in Wonderland
Crow: Stop spinning! I'm gonna throw up!
Female Chorus: Where is the path to Wonderland?
Crow: Well, Sidney is a big guy.
Joel: Didn't he play for the Broncos?
Chorus: Over the hill or here or there
I wonder where
Tom: {laughing} Please do!
One sunny day in England, there were a lot of activities in the park. Toons were either playing games or fishing in the pond. Sitting under a tree was a Celtic woman with brown hair tied in a ponytail and orangish eyes, wearing a dark yellow headband, a blue long-sleeved shirt underneath a yellow one — with elbow-length sleeves — that is also underneath a purple sleeveless tunic, blue tight pants, and light brown ankle-length. Her name was Kayley, and she was currently reading a history book.
Joel: Like the Pee-Wee Herman Shrine next to the statue of Ethel Merman.
Crow & Tom: Ewww!
"...leaders, and head been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, the earls of Toonia and Toonance declared for him, and even Foghorn Leghorn-" Kayley was cut off when a shoe waved at her face. "Kilala!"
Joel: Kayley was mad?
Crow & Tom: Exactly.
Joel: What?
Tom: Second base.
Joel: Doh!
Sitting on a branch was a 14-year-old girl with blonde hair tied in a ponytail and blue eyes, wearing a school uniform consisting of a white shirt, a blue vest, a pink tie, a grey skirt with a yellow Mickey Mouse logo, white socks, and black shoes. Her name was Kilala Reno, Kayley's daughter. Right now, she was making a daisy chain rather than listening to Kayley. Accompanying her on a branch was a pink flying mouse wearing a red and white polka dot bow tied around her neck. Her name was Tippe.
Tom: Hey! Stop fiddling with that thing, you don't know where it's been!
"I'm listening," Kilala told Kayley in a bored voice.
Joel: Her EARLY to LISTENING twenties?
Tom: Was she BIG and SMALL too?
Crow: Was she DEEP and WIDE?
Joel & Tom: Crow!
As Kilala continued making her daisy chain, Kayley continues reading. "And even Foghorn Leghorn, the archbishop of Toonterbury, agreed to meet with Buster Bunny and offered him the crown." Meanwhile, Kilala placed her completed daisy chain on Tippe's head, who shook it off onto Kayley's head. Kilala giggled, but Kayley shouted, "Kilala! Will you please pay attention to your history lesson?"
Joel: Hey, that's pretty chic!
Tom: Yeah, if you're blind.
"I'm sorry, Mother." Kilala apologized. "But how can I possibly pay attention to a book with no pictures in it?"
Crow: Heck, this fanfic would put Xbox's library to shame if they had it!
"My dear child, there are a lot of great books in this world without pictures." Kayley responded.
Tom: {deep, announcer voice} And she lived a life of quiet desperation.
Kilala rolled her eyes. "In this world, perhaps. But in my world, the books would be nothing but pictures."
Crow: And a gushing skirt.
"Your world?" Kayley asked with a laugh. "What nonsense."
Crow: A world.
Then an idea sprung in Kilala's head. She picked up Tippe and set her on her lap. "That's it, Tippe! If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense." Tippe nodded in agreement. "Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't," Kilala continued. This perplexed Tippe, who shook her head in confusion. "And in the opposite way, what it is, it wouldn't be, and what it would be, it would. You see?" asked Kilala asked, and Tippe nodded and squeaked. Kilala jumped down to the ground and Kayley was too busy reading to notice. "In my world," Kilala said, "You wouldn't say squeak. You'd say, 'Yes, Miss Kilala.'" Tippe squeaked. "Oh, but you would." Kilala said as she picked up her mouse. She started to walk away. "You'd be just like people, Tippe, and all the other animals too." She put Tippe down in a flower bed, as Kilala said, "Why, in my world..."
Crow: Boy, is *she* jaundiced!
Kilala: Cats and rabbits
Would reside in fancy little houses
And be dressed in hats and shoes and trousers.
Tom: She singing?
Kilala drops a flower on Tippe and she bats it away. Kilala lies down in the daisy field.
Joel: Oohh, the Space Rangers musta' put it there before their show was
canceled!
Kilala: In a world of my own
All the flowers
Would have very extra special powers
They would sit and talk to me for hours
When I'm lonely in a world of my own
Joel: Oh, now that's setting the scene.
A bluebird lands in a tree and begins to chirp.
Crow: Did we miss some plot here? They don't know what it is, so
OF COURSE they bring it on board.
Joel: Maybe their scanners are broken or something.
Crow: Or maybe this just really *bites*!
Kilala: There'd be new birds
Lots of nice and friendly howdy-do birds
Tom: Not to mention my verb declensions.
The bird goes to a small pond and splashes around in it.
Crow: Unbalanced. Like the author of this trash...
Tom: {laughing} Whose crew?
Kilala: Everyone would have a dozen bluebirds
Tom: Here we go with those birds again!
Crow: Wasn't this a domed console room? Does a birds have corners?
The bird flew back to the branch and dried itself off.
Tom: New tasty Keebler tenses! Collect all four!
Kilala: Within that world of my own
I could listen to a babbling brook
And hear a song that I could understand
Joel: Yeah, there must be spilled tenses all over the floor over there.
Kilala and Tippe lie down on the riverbank.
Crow: lying down?
Kilala: I keep wishing it could be that way
Because my world would be a wonderland
Joel: It must be powered by Spam. They've never figured that stuff out.
As the song ended, Kilala closed her eyes and touched a river and her reflection rippled. Suddenly, a new reflection formed farther down the river. Tippe's jaws dropped and she did take a double take. The reflection was a pudgy red parrot with small claws, a white face, a purple tail and blue feather tips, a golden beak and orange bird feet. His name was Iago. He had his eyes closed as he walked and whistled a tune.
Tom: A lot of interrupting going on. Oops, sorry to interrupt.
Tippe started to tug on Kilala as she squeaked loudly, trying to get the girl's attention.
Crow: My run-on sentence circuits seem to be malfunctioning, Captain.
"Oh, Tippe," Kilala said. "It's just a parrot with red feathers..." Her eyes snapped open and she too did a double take with a surprised look on her face. Iago pulled out a pocket watch from his pocket, as Kilala added in surprise, "And a watch!"
Joel: Magic Voice?
Iago looked at the watch and a look of shock appeared on his face.
Joel: Oh, Jordy's got the whole ship bugged. That's how he got to be
Chief Engineer.
"Oh, geez!" Iago exclaimed. He began to run away, as he yelled, "I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!"
Crow: "...and bring a cattle prod!"
"Now this is curious," Kilala. "What could a parrot possibly be late for?" She got up and started to follow the parrot, and Tippe followed her owner, as Kilala yelled, "Please, sir!"
Tom: Who's saying all this anyway. This is worse than a pack of
newbies in misattributing each other.
Iago: I'm late, I'm late
For a very important date
No time to say hello, good-bye!
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!
Joel: Oh, I don't know. I think it's more like a small May-December
romance.
As he disappeared over a hill, Kilala stopped and said to her mouse, "It must be awfully important, like a party or something!" Then she yelled, as she and Tippe chased after him, "Mister Parrot! Wait!"
Crow: That one says, "Bite Me" in Andorian.
Iago: No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I'm overdue!
I'm really in a stew!
Tom: Tractor Bean technology sucks. Heh heh, sorry.
Iago reached a hole in the side of a hill and turned.
Joel: Rainbows of force...isn't that a Robert Frost poem?
Crow: No, it's an NBC made-for-television movie starring Lindsey Wagner.
Tom: No, it's a new propulsion system made famous by the Leprechaun from
Lucky Charms cereal.
Joel: It's all these things, and more. Now how much would you pay?
Iago: No time to say good-bye, hello!
I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!
Joel: Oh, that's just the Lago. He's getting a little old to be running
all over the ship everytime there's a crisis...
Tom: Or it might be Raymond Burr. Heh.
He jumped into the hole and disappeared again. Kilala and Tippe ran to the rabbit hole and Kilala got down on her knees.
Tom: Jumped to the Hill? I knew it, they've brought a bunch of Phone Phreaks aboard!
"My, what a peculiar place to have a party," she said, and Tippe squeaked in agreement. Kilala started to crawl into the hole and was surprised to be at the front of a long tunnel. "You know, Tippe, we really shouldn't...uh...uh...be doing this..." Kilala said, as she squeezed into the tunnel. "After all, we haven't been invited!" She did fit, but she was a tad too big, as she crawled down the tunnel and added, "And curiosity often leads to TROUBLLLLLLEEEE!" The reason why she had suddenly screamed because she had fallen. The tunnel had led to another large hole. Tippe was lucky enough not to fall also, as she watched Kilala fell down, rapidly. "Good-bye, Tippe!" Kilala shouted, as she fell into the darkness and the girl and mouse waved to each other. "GOOD-BYYYYEEE!"
Joel: She fall down to the bottomless pit!
To Be Continued...
Crow: That's it?
Tom: Be glad, Crow. Be very, very glad it's over.
Joel: Come on, let's get out of here.
[Joel picks up Tom, and the three leave]
[1][2][3][4][5][6]
[Joel and the Bots are back on the bridge. They are shaking their heads sadly.]
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forrester: How was it, booby, another piece of trite trash for your
viewing excitement?
[SOL]
Crow: Ok, if we could get behind the lack of plot…
Tom: …spelling…
Crow: …exposition…
Tom: …grammar…
Crow: …intelligence…
Tom: …and everything else bad with the story...
Crow: …then we'd STILL have a fanfic left.
Joel: That was bad sirs. Really, really bad.
[Deep 13]
TV's Frank (in background): Spock! Spock! Spock!
[TV's Frank is cut off as Dr. Forrester slaps him]
Dr. Forrester: Shut up, Weiner Boy.
TV's Frank: Set phasers...on stun! Fire...at will!
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Push the button, Frank.
TV's Frank: Load...all photon torpedoes.
Dr. Forrester: Push the button, Frank.
Frank: Set dispersal...for maximum spread!
Dr. Forrester: {shouts} PUSH THE BUTTON FRANK!
Frank: Fire!
[Frank pushes the button]
{psssssscht}
[The screen goes black]
Dr. Forrester: Weiner boy.
[Roll Credits to Mighty Science Theater]
MST3K characters are copyright by Best Brains Inc.
Ace, a young woman in her early to late twenties.