Hey All!
I've been toying this idea around in my mind for months and finally plucked up the nerve to write it all out.
There is some sensitive content in this story and I wanted to give you a heads up in advance.
His breath was hot against my neck, his hands travelling up my waist and gathering my shirt. He pulled back just enough to pull my shirt over my head but pulled me back the minute when my head was free.
I melted in his hands like butter against a hot knife, moulding against him as he walked me backwards, my knees hitting the edge of the bed. I pulled him down with me, moving up the bed while unbuttoning his shirt.
My laugh turned into a moan as his lips ghosted over my skin and then sucked on the skin. I tilted my head to the side with a sigh, my hands pushing his shirt off of his shoulders. There was a buzz in my head that made me feel heavy and light at the same time.
We were a cluster of hands, his on my waist and hips, his lingering to the band of my jeans. He unbuttoned mine and helped me shimmy out of them and my panties, and it didn't take long for his jeans and boxers to join the floor.
There was a part of me that was cautioning myself to think, but I didn't want to think about anything but this. Neither of us seemed to think that foreplay was needed, so when he pulled me into his lap, we both worked fast. It was like a hot, primal need had taken over both of us, and it was as if we couldn't get close enough fast enough.
When I pulled his lips to mine as I sank into his lap, running my tongue over the seam of his lips. His hands tangled into my hair, holding me to him as his lips moved against mine. I could taste the liquor on his lips, but his own taste lingered there too. It was intoxicating and I could get enough.
I pulled away to rise on my knees, moving at a steady pace and braced my hands on his shoulders. His hands moved to my hips as he shifted on his knees and helped me keep my pace. I felt full and like I was going to spill apart at the seams. Whether it was the lack of sex or just him, I could feel myself climbing higher and higher.
I was almost there when his lips ghosted over my chest, finding a nipple at nipping at it. It sent a shot of pleasure through me and I clench, drawing a groan from him. One of his hands travelled up and toyed with the other nipple, tugging and pinching it with enough pressure to make me squirm.
I could practically taste my orgasm, my whole body heating up and tingling. It was like I was a rubber band being pulled further and further, so taut that all I needed was his voice whispering my name in my ear for me to snap.
He wasn't far behind me, grunting in my ear when I clenched hard around him. His grip was almost painfully tight around me, but it just added to my own pleasure.
I felt groggy as I opened my eyes, my head pounding and throbbing. I swallowed roughly and pushed myself up on my arms, groaning at how sore I felt. I remembered being at a bar in Court, drinking one too many drinks.
I remembered a face, a face I knew and remembered, but my head still swam. I laid back down and folded my hands under the pillow, letting my eyes fall closed again before snapping open. I spotted my clothes on the floor and more of the night flooded back to me.
It wasn't just someone, it was Dimitri.
I shot upwards again with wide eyes. Oh God!
I turned at found Dimitri laying beside me, his back bare like mine. I stared at him as my mind reeled. He had been at the bar too, drinking surprisingly. I had been surprised that his Guardian detail wasn't there, and sat down beside him, feeling bold because I was drunk.
He didn't push me away when I sat down, and the more that we both drank, the looser he got. He didn't seem so guilt-ridden, but it must have been because of the booze.
And then we ended up back at his place.
I slowly laid back down and tried to think of what to do when Dimitri groaned from beside me, rolling onto his side.
He groaned again and he sat up, his weight rocking the bed gently. I shifted enough to look at him and waited to see what his reaction was. It didn't take long for me to figure out what happened last night, and the soreness between my legs was a dead giveaway.
He seemed just as groggy as I was as he rubbed his face and then let his hands drop to the bed. His hand brushed against my leg and he tensed up, turning to find me.
"What are you doing in here?" Dimitri asked.
"I'm pretty sure you invited me back here," I said sitting up, tucking the edges of the blanket under my arms. Dimitri's face was impassive as he leaned over and grabbed his jeans from last night and quickly pulled them on. He got up and rubbed his hand over his face.
"I'm going to shower, and when I come back, you need to be gone," he said bluntly.
"What?"
Dimitri sighed and turned to look at me. "Get out."
I raised my brows at him and stood up, wrapping the blanket around me. "That's it. You're just kicking me out?"
"I told you that I didn't want to see you, that meant I didn't want to be around you. Sneaking into my bed is just pathetic," he said before walking away from me and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. I blinked and frowned, dropping the blanket onto the bed and picking up my clothes, dejectedly getting dressed.
The longer I was awake the more I remembered about last night. And after the way he kicked me out, the more I wanted to forget last night happened. Now I just felt like a cheap fuck.
It wasn't even six hours after Dimitri kicked me out that Lissa came barreling down on me. I tried to brush her off, but she followed, nagging at me the whole time about how I needed to respect Dimitri more, how I was being selfish and petty and immature. I could hear Christian trying to get her to stop, but I just started to block her out. She didn't care about me, she cared about him and how this would affect him but forgot that I was hurting too.
Eventually, Lissa gave up with my cold shoulder and stomped off, snipping at me to stay away from Dimitri as she did. Christian tried to ask me what happened, but I didn't want to tell him. I felt embarrassed and humiliated, and talking to him wasn't going to make me feel better.
So I started throwing myself into more training. If I wasn't doing paperwork or patrol work, I was in the gym. It sucked not having any friends to spare with, but I had been treated as an outcast. There were some Guardians who were here because their charges were visiting, and they didn't treat me like that, some even willing to spare with me.
One Guardian, Guardian Ashton, was more than excited to spare with me. She was small like I was and a lot of the locals didn't think she was worth the time, but I knew she was.
Getting knocked around in the gym was an occupational hazard, but when I puked shortly after an accidental blow to the head, the other Guardians in the gym insisted that I go to the clinic to get checked out.
Guardian Ashton felt horrible as she walked with me to the gym, but I waved her off. I was tired and sluggish; me leaning into her punch because I undercalculated was my fault.
I layed on the bed in the clinic agitated. When I got there, the nurse did a standard workup; asking me how I felt, if there was a chance, I could be pregnant, had me follow her finger as she checked my eyes, and insisted on a urine sample. I told her I wasn't pregnant, but she gave me a look that I knew well. She didn't believe me.
"Why?" I asked tiredly.
"Standard. Are you sexually active?"
"Yes, but not with a Moroi."
"Regardless, I need a sample," the nurse insisted. I raised my brows at her, but she just pushed the container at me. I sighed and took it just to make her shut up, I just wanted to go home. I thrust it back into her hands and sat down again on the couch, drumming my fingers on the bed as I waited for the idiot to come back.
About five minutes later a Moroi doctor came to stand at the end of my bed. He pulled the curtain around so we were blocked off from the rest of the room. I raised my brows at him and sat up straight.
"What's up? Concussion? No concussion?"
"Guardian Hathaway, my name is Dr. Reed. We don't believe that you have a concussion, but there are some other questions I would like to ask you."
I sighed and nodded. At least I didn't have a concussion. "What do you need?"
"I know that it's common for Guardians to not be able to track their menstruation cycles due to your high level of activity, but I wanted to ask when you were last sexually active."
I rolled my eyes. "A month or so ago. Why is it important? I hadn't been in a sexual relationship with a Moroi."
Dr. Reed pulled up the stool and sat beside me, a friendly look on his face. "If there was something untoward that occurred or something you want to hide, I can assure you that I will keep this confidential."
"I've got nothing to hide."
"We ran a pregnancy test with your urine sample. We ran two. It was positive."
I snorted and laugh and shook at him. "That's not possible. I had sex with my ex, who is also a Guardian."
"The test isn't lying," he said, "You are close with the Dragomir Princess, yes?"
"Yeah," I said with furrowed brows. "What does she have to do with this?"
"She practices Spirit. You have been healed by her multiple times, haven't you?"
"Again, what does that have to do with this?"
The doctor rolled the chair closer and bent his head down. "I think that maybe, just maybe, Spirit has can do more than just heal."
I pursed my lips and shook my head. This wasn't something I could wrap my head around or something I was willing to wrap my head around.
"Your test was wrong."
"I don't think it was," Dr. Reed said calmly, "But there is another thing we can do to prove it."
"What?"
Dr. Reed stood up and pulled the curtain back, gesturing for me to follow him. He led me out of the main room of the clinic and into a private exam room. He pulled open a few drawers and set a folded sheet on the bed.
"I will be back in a moment with an ultrasound machine and a nurse. Everything from the waist down, and you can cover yourself with the sheet," Dr. Reed said shutting the door. I rolled my eyes and muttered under my breath about how ridiculous this all was as I did what he said and climbed onto the bed.
I sucked on my teeth when there was a knock on the door and called out that I was decent. Dr. Reed came in with a female Dhampir nurse.
"This is a surefire way to prove me wrong," Dr. Reed said with a smirk as he set things up. "Nurse Jeroen is here as a formality to ensure that nothing inappropriate happens. Do you consent to an internal ultrasound?"
"If it will tell you that your tests are broken, then by all means. Might as well," I grumbled as I scooted down the table and laid down. Maybe the ultrasound would tell him why I was cramping lately.
I blew out a breath and grimaced as he did the ultrasound.
"Sorry, I know this is uncomfortable," Dr. Reed apologized.
I nodded and took a deep breath to relax.
"I hate to break it to you, but the test wasn't wrong," Dr. Reed said, turning the monitor towards me.
I turned to look at it and squinted. "I don't see anything."
"Jody, can you come please," he said to the nurse and she stepped forward. "What is that?" he said pointing to a dark blob on the screen.
"That is a gestational sac," she said after thinking for a moment.
Dr. Reed smiled. "Exactly. You're learning," he said and then turned her attention to me. "You are pregnant, Guardian Hathaway. I would say you are about five to six weeks."
I stared at the screen and the black blob. It just looked like a black hole on the screen surrounded by grey.
"Are you sure?"
"Very sure. It's my job to be sure," he said with a smile. "I think my theory is right."
I felt my brows furrow as he pulled the ultrasound out and handed me a soft towel. Nurse J gave me a small smile and stepped out. I sat up and held my face in my hands.
"This isn't possible," I whispered. I looked up at Dr. Reed. "I know you showed me but…this shouldn't be possible."
Dr. Reed gave me a sympathetic smile. "It's difficult to comprehend when it's this unexpected. Do you want to discuss your options?"
I shook my head. "No. I don't want to make a hasty decision."
Dr. Reed nodded and stood up. "If you want to, you know where to find me. Just ask for me at the desk," he said before exiting. I nodded to myself and got myself cleaned up and dressed, my head still reeling.
After a few days of contemplating while pretending as if nothing happened around Lissa, I made my decision.
I needed to talk to Dimitri before I made a decision. He was half of this equation and had a say in this. And I knew just where to find him, even if he had been avoiding me since that night. But he liked to spend whatever time he could in the church. I think it gave him solace, but it also showed people that he wasn't Strigoi anymore.
I blew out a breath as I pushed the doors open. Since that night, Dimitri's Guardian detail returned and in stronger numbers. Maybe him slipping away from them had bigger ramifications than I thought. I could see them trying to blend in despite them standing against the walls. I made my way down the aisle and slipped into the pew beside him silently, sinking down on the polished wood.
It felt like telling him something like this in a church was wrong, but at the same time, the church was all about life.
The priest continued with his sermon and I stole a glance at Dimitri. His posture was rigid and tense, his eyes trained forwards. I felt myself deflate a bit against the pew. He seemed relaxed when I walked toward him, but now he looked like he was being stabbed with a white-hot poker.
I took a slow deep breath before turning to him. "I have to talk to you."
"I don't want to talk."
"We need to," I pushed gently but he turned his head and glared at me.
"No, we don't. I was drunk and you took advantage of that," he gritted out and I shook my head.
"I was drunk too!" I hissed, "I did not take advantage of you. You insinuated it, and I went along with it. I don't recall you complaining during it. Or the second time, or the third time! You weren't drunk then!" I hissed back, feeling my heart rate rise.
I was disgusted that he would insinuate that, and I was mortified at the same time. To think that he thought that about me made me question whether or not he genuinely knew me. It also hurt that he would imply that.
"What I need to talk to you about is important," I whispered, turning towards him. "Maybe it isn't something we should discuss here."
"You need to let this all go. We're over, give up already," Dimitri gritted through his teeth.
"I'm not giving up on us yet!" I hissed, "But we need to talk about this!"
He seemed so beaten down and I hated it, but I couldn't let him dwell in his sorrows anymore. He needed to buck up and needed a slight push. But maybe I pushed a little too much.
"Love fades, Rose. Mine has. This isn't a game anymore. I don't want to see you, and I don't want to be around you. I don't want you in my life," Dimitri bit out bitterly, his eyes hard and dark. I flinched and my eyes dropped. As rejection went, it felt like a punch in the chest. The rejection I felt when he was restored was comparable to a stubbed toe, but this was so much worse. I would have preferred to feel that pain than this.
And now I felt conflicted. I wanted to tell him because he deserved to know. But at the same time, I didn't think that I would be able to cope with him rejecting them too.
"I can tolerate you being around for Lissa, but that's all I want," Dimitri continued when I didn't say anything. I gave a minute nod and stood up, feeling the weight on my shoulders.
One of his Guardians, who must have heard what was said by the look on his face, stepped towards me but I held my hand up to stop him. I didn't want to talk to anyone right now, and I knew that talking right now would do nothing for me right now. I walked briskly down the aisle and out the doors, jogging down the steps.
"Hathaway!"
I huffed and stopped at the bottom, whirling around to find the same Guardian.
"What?"
He furrowed his brows at me. "That's it? You're not going to fight for it?"
I wrapped my arms around my waist and shrugged. "Why bother. You heard him."
"I also know why you should fight for it," he said firmly. I raised my brows at him before he rolled his eyes and came down the steps, coming to a stop directly in front of me.
"I was in the next bay at the clinic," he said quietly.
"Don't say a word," I grounded out quietly.
"I won't. Because he shouldn't know from me. I heard you say that it wasn't possible, but it clearly is. And he deserves to know."
"You think I don't know that?!" I exclaimed, "I want to, but he wouldn't believe me. I would just look pathetic. This is something impossible, I'm surprised you believe it."
The Guardian didn't say anything right away and just sighed. "I believe it because I was part of the extraction group. I saw how you fought for him and I was also on his guard in the cells. You love him, you wouldn't lie about this."
I shook my head and tried to stifle my lip. "I can't talk about this. Not right now," I said quietly. The Guardian nodded and gave me a tight smile, resting his hand on my shoulder.
I nodded in appreciation of the gesture before pulling away and walking back toward the Guardian housing.
1.5 Years Later
I jerked my head back away from the gripping hand. We had moved into the phase of 'I'm going to grab and yank anything in sight.'
Despite how crazy it sounded, packing up and leaving Court was probably the best thing I could have done. It was hard leaving everyone behind, but it was best for me. For her.
"You know, she's too cute to be so devious," Cameron said with a laugh, pushing his stroller back and forth gently. I rolled my eyes at him.
"Yeah, well they don't stay in the perfect stage," I smirked looking pointedly at the stroller. When I progressed further into my pregnancy, I joined a local parents group. The group was solely to help single parents go through pregnancy and the first few years of life. We had a few dads too, mostly those who lost their wives, had surrogates, or were just alone in parenthood.
Cameron joined the group after his girlfriend surrendered her rights just hours after giving birth. She didn't want a baby but didn't want to terminate. So she just left. It was heartbreaking, but I think he had a lot of time to prepare mentally. She made it clear from the day she found out she was pregnant.
The group accepted me with no judgement and I felt so much relief that I didn't believe was possible. There were a few that were concerned because of my age, but because I was alone with no family nearby.
I got along with Emily right off the bat. She was only a few months ahead of me, and we bonded quickly. She didn't ask right away about my baby's father, but by the time I was eight months along, I told her. There were so many times I picked up the phone and had Dimitri's number dialled, but could do it.
The night I went into labour I did manage to hit dial but hearing his voice on the other end just made me freeze. He had been laughing when he answered the phone, and my first thought was how much I missed it. But then I remembered what he said to me, and I clammed up.
"Sorry, wrong number," I said before hanging up. I wasn't sure if he would have recognized my voice, but I didn't think much of it because I was already pushing. After getting to hold my daughter for the first time, I noticed that I had a missed call from his number, but no message. He would have known it was me when he heard the voicemail. I shrugged it off at the time because my heart was so full I couldn't think of anything other than her.
"Is Remy still screaming in the night?" Emily asked leaning back in her chair, her daughter Phoebe nestled against her chest asleep.
"Yeah. Three a.m., like clockwork," I said with a sigh. I pulled back enough to look down at my brown-eyed baby, who looked up at me with dimpled cheeks. She was beautiful and the cutest thing I had ever seen, except at three a.m. when she was screaming her head off.
I saw traces of Dimitri in her all the time. Sometimes it was just a face she would make or the way she smiled. Her hair was a mix of mine and his, but more his colour. It was wavy and thick, but soft like silk. She had pudgy cheeks that I loved to blow my lips against to make her laugh, and I loved the way her little hands would rest on my face when I did that.
"Has anything been soothing her? Does that glowworm help?" Cameron asked, referring to the nightlight he bought her for Christmas.
"No. Co-sleeping seems to be the only thing that keeps her asleep through the night. I just get nervous," I sigh, running my finger over her cheeks and poking her nose. She grinned at me and wrapped her arms around my neck, cuddling into me. I smiled and kissed the top of her head.
"You could get that bassinet extender? The one that you connect to your bed. It's open on the one side so you can see and touch her, but she's in her only little pocket," Emily suggested. I shrugged.
"We'll see. I have a few things at home I can try," I said looking just over Emily's head. I tensed up and looked back down, my face searing.
"What is it?" Cameron asked. I looked at him and then pointedly glanced at the people that had just come in.
"That is my former best friend, her boyfriend, and her father," I said quietly.
Cameron lifted his head and I hissed at him. "Don't look!"
"Why?" he asked with a smirk, "They don't know who I am."
I slouched a little in my seat in hopes they wouldn't see me. Lissa didn't try reaching out to me after I left. She didn't even call. Christian did but gave up after a week.
I took a tentative look out of curiosity. Lissa looked a little different. Her hair was shorter, and her platinum looks had some brown highlights that complimented her. Christian looked the same but had better taste in clothes. Dimitri hadn't changed at all. Same duster, same Guardian mask, same long brown hair. I reached up and stroked the back of Remy's head absently when she squealed loudly, making me jump. The squeal was loud enough to draw attention, and it drew the attention of the three people who just walked in.
Lissa and Christian only took a quick glance, not really looking. But being the Guardian he was, actually looked. I saw recognition cross his face and I looked at Emily. Emily furrowed her brows and looked over her shoulder and then back at me.
"Do you want to leave?" she asked. I look at Cameron and then at Emily again before shaking my head no. If they wanted to approach, I wouldn't stop them. But I wasn't going to make the first move. I had been hurt too many times.
I watched Lissa and Christian order their coffees, heads bent together as they spoke. Dimitri gave his order when Lissa turned to him, but his eyes stayed on me. I looked back down at Remy to find her in an almost asleep state so I stayed put, rubbing my hand gently over her back.
"If he comes over here, want me to kick his ass?" Cameron asked seriously.
I snorted a laugh. "He's the reason why I teach mixed arts. You wouldn't be able to knock him back a foot, but thanks," I said with a smirk. Cameron wagged his brows at me and looked into the stroller to make sure his son was still asleep.
I didn't openly watch them but I watched enough to know that another Guardian had come in and traded places with Dimitri. Lissa and Christian left with the other Guardian while Dimitri went to an empty table a few feet away.
He was waiting to see if I would approach. He was close enough that it was obvious who he was, but far enough not to be eavesdropping. I sighed and gestured to Cameron, carefully lifting Remy off my chest and over to him. She flinched when I moved her and started to whimper, but Cameron soothed her and got her into the same position I had her in.
"I'll be right back," I said and got up, taking my coffee cup with me. I went over and sat down across from him, setting my cup on the table.
"Hi."
"Rose," he said softly. "I'm surprised to see you."
"I am too," I said toying with the handle of my mug.
Dimitri nodded and glanced over my shoulder before his eyes came back to mine. "You have a baby."
"I do."
"Is that why you left without a trace?" he asked. His tone accusing but curious.
"Partly."
"Did you tell Adrian?"
"Why would I?" I asked, not letting on that Adrian knew very well where I was and had met Remy.
Dimitri's brows furrowed and he cleared his throat. "Well," he said and gestured with his hand behind me.
"That would have meant I had sex with Adrian," I stated, "But I didn't, so no reason to tell him. We were broken up when I got pregnant."
I could have sworn I heard his teeth grit as he sat across from me. I could just imagine what he was thinking.
"Is there something you need?" I asked.
"You called me, almost a year ago," he said, "Why?"
I shrugged. "Moment of weakness."
Dimitri scoffed and shook his head, leaning back in his chair. "Right. It was nine months ago, and judging by the size of your baby, I would put them at nine or ten months. Why did you call me?"
"Why did you call back and not leave a message?" I countered, raising my brows at him. His lips twitched and he sighed, running his hand through his hair. My eyes followed the movement before snapping back to his face.
"I was just surprised that it was you. And the fact you said 'wrong number.'"
"Yeah, well I lost my nerve," I said running my hand through my hair, wincing when my fingers got caught in a knot.
"You cut your hair," he said quietly. Hearing those words made me remember whispered words from so long ago. I nodded and toyed with the ends of my hair. It was shorter, just brushing past my collarbones.
"I kind of needed to. Especially with grabbing hands over there," I said with a chuckle, jerking the thumb over my shoulder. "I'm surprised she hasn't ripped my hair out of my scalp yet. She's got Hulk strength," I said with a laughed, but thankfully caught myself before I finished my sentence. Strength like you.
"She?" he asked.
"Remy," I said gently. Dimitri gave me a soft small and I was happy to see it. The last time I saw him, it was disgust and indifference. But seeing him smile was nice.
"That's a pretty name," he said. "Is the father in the picture?" he asked, subtly looking over my shoulder again.
I shifted in my seat. "No. I tried to tell him. It didn't work out well."
"Oh? How so?" he asked. I bit my lip and mulled it over. I didn't have anything to lose. I grew up a bit over the last year. I didn't have time for dwelling. I had to grow up for my daughter. If I told him and he didn't believe, whatever. It didn't matter to me anymore.
"Because when I tried to tell him, he accused me of rape. And then told me that he didn't want me in his life," I said bluntly, looking him in the eye. Dimitri canted his head the slightest bit, his mouth starting to move before his whole posture changed. His eyes seemed to lose focus before they moved slowly over my shoulder.
"That's not possible," he said quietly.
"That's what I thought too. But apparently, I'm the master of the impossible," I said tapping my fingers on the table. Dimitri gave a slight jerk of his head and took a drink of his coffee. I sat quietly and waited for his response once he processed. It could one of two ways. He'd tell me I was a liar and leave, or he would believe me by some miracle. I was leaning towards the former.
"That's why you called me," he said quietly, almost as if he was talking to himself. I pursed my lips and looked down at my mug, counting the bubbles that lay on the surface. Dimitri sighed and rubbed his hand over his jaw.
"I.." Dimitri started but shook his head at a loss for words.
"Look, you don't need to say anything right now. It's a lot to take in," I said standing up. Dimitri blinked up at me.
"I come here every Thursday at seven for a group meeting. If you want to talk about it, you can come by around eight-thirty. I'll still be here," I said picking up my mug. "Don't force it, Dimitri. I had to grow up and get over my feelings quickly. If this isn't something you want to talk about, know about, or be a part of, then that's fine. But I'm not in a position to be hurt again. What you said hurt, but I will not let that hurt pass over to my daughter."
Dimitri nodded and stood up too, picking up his to-go cup too. "I need some time," he said quietly. I nodded and turned back towards my friends, taking Remy from Cameron and sank back into the chair. I waited until I heard the chime of the door before looking up again, finding Emily's worried face watching mine.
"You okay?"
I rested my chin gently on the top of Remy's head. "Yeah. I'm fine."
And I did feel fine. I felt better than fine. I felt like a boulder size weight had been lifted off my conscience.
I sighed and glanced at the time on my phone again. It was just hitting nine o'clock when I was starting to lose hope. I didn't directly say this Thursday, but it was implied. He was a punctual person, so being this late made my heart sink.
I adjusted the blanket over Remy's legs in the stroller with a sigh. Despite my outward statements to Emily and Cameron, I was hoping that he would give it a try. I wanted him to know her. I even dressed her in the cutest dress and a little flower clip in her hair for the occasion. I also stupidly tried to look nicer for it too.
"Still waiting?"
I looked behind me and found Cameron. I thought had left already.
"Huh?"
Cameron sat down next to me and gave me a small smile. "You told him to come today. It's late."
I shrugged. "He works weird hours," I tried to explain away, but it sounded pathetic to my own ears. Cameron frowned and tapped his finger against the table. I looked towards the door again with a frown too. I was starting to lose that hope.
"Look. If he doesn't want to know Remy, then that is his loss. She's perfect, and you're perfect. I don't know what happened between the two of you, but if he wants to be a part of this he needs to show up and be there."
"I just want the person I was in love with back," I said quietly "even if it's just as my daughter's other parent."
Cameron nodded. "Hey, I get it. You don't have to explain it to me. You think I don't with Amy stayed to know Milo?"
"I know you do," I said quietly.
"Don't beat yourself up over this. Please," he said gently. I gave him a tight smile and nodded, standing up and picking up my cup. I checked to make sure that Remy was still asleep, and found her still asleep.
"No," I said, "I want to walk. The cool air will be good for me." It was mild for January, and the outside clothes I had for Remy would keep her warm.
Cameron rolled his eyes at me but let me be as we headed for the door. It opened before he could grab the handle and behind it stood Dimitri. I stopped and looked at Cameron before looking back at Dimitri.
"I'm sorry I'm late. There was a situation at work, I couldn't get out earlier," Dimitri said apologetically.
"Is everything okay?" I asked.
"It's been handled. It's not the first breach we've had recently," he said vaguely, but it was enough for me to know the gist.
Cameron cleared his throat. "Well, I will see you Tuesday. Don't forget the cream," he said with a smile. I nodded and made a mental note to remember the diaper cream I was telling him about earlier.
"See you then," I said with a smile. As he walked behind Dimitri he turned back to look at me and gave me a smile and a thumbs up. I chuckled and lead Dimitri to a table and sat down, gesturing for him to sit too.
"What happened?"
Dimitri cleared his throat and looked to see how close anyone was. It wasn't necessary since we were the only ones in here.
"Strigoi groups are getting bigger and bolder. There have been a few border breaches lately," he explained, "But that doesn't matter right now. I thought you would have left already."
"I guess I was hoping you'd show up anyways," I said quietly, looking up at him.
"I still haven't wrapped my head around this, but I want to know," he said, "I gave up the idea of kids a while ago."
I nodded in understanding. I knew that but wasn't sure if that had changed since being restored.
"What do you want to know?"
"Is Remy a nickname?"
"No. I just like the name. I watched a lot of House during my pregnancy."
"And how was your pregnancy?" he asked, leaning his forearms on the table. I grimaced and leaned back in the chair. Dimitri raised his brow at me.
"Not great," I said slowly. "I was hospitalized the last month. I had bad sickness, exhaustion, I couldn't keep my weight up. My blood pressure was all over the place. I was worried about Remy being underdeveloped," I explained. "But I got better after I gave birth."
Dimitri nodded as I spoke, but I could see that it bothered him. I tilted my head to the side a bit.
"I'm fine," I reassured.
"What's Remy like?" he asked, looking at the stroller. I guess he didn't look into the stroller when he got here. I leaned towards Remy and unbuckled her and lifted her out. She was groggy when I picked her up but her eyes were becoming more alert. I let her stand on my leg and I kissed her cheek, turning her so she could look at Dimitri.
"She's perfect," I said with a smile, "She is happy and loves dinosaurs. Seriously, her room is full of stuffed dinos. She hates carrots but loves sweet potatoes. She smiles in her sleep and loves bath time."
Dimitri leaned forwards more against the table, smiling at Remy. "She also has your smile," I added quietly.
"Really?" he asked. I nodded and looked back at Remy.
"I'm gonna get you," I said playfully, kissing her cheek before blowing a raspberry against her cheek. She squealed and laughed, giggling loudly. I smiled at her and looked back at Dimitri to find a smile on his face.
"What?"
"She looks just like you," he said, the smile never leaving his face. I hummed in response before lifting her up and towards him.
"Want to hold her?"
The look of excitement and apprehension was clear on his face, but he reach out and took her, pulling her towards him. Remy looked up at him before looking back at me, her little lip starting to quiver. It only took a second for the tears to well up and swell over with a wail. Dimitri looked taken aback and moved to give her back, but I shook my head.
"You're fine," I said to him, "She's tired, so she's clingy. Hold her against your chest and pat her bum."
Dimitri looked at me with clear confusion and shifted her in his arms, but I could tell from her that he was barely patting her bum.
"You need to be a little more firm, like this," I said reaching over and patting his arm with the right force. It was gentle, but contact. He tried again, quickly soothing her as she cried and it didn't take long for her cries to trickle off into whimpers. Once the whimpers trailed, she rooted her face against his chest before finding her spot on his shoulder.
I smiled to myself as I watched them. I felt this tingle of warmth in my chest seeing her in his arms. He may have thought she looked like me, but seeing her so close to him, she was truly his. There was no denying it.
Dimitri's nose brushed against the hair on her hair and I watched a soft smile grow on his lips.
"How do you want to do this?" I asked, pushing my now cold tea off to the side.
"What do you mean?" he asked quietly. I looked pointedly at Remy.
"I mean, do you want to be a part of her life? Because being a part of her life involves me being in yours," I said, "We're kind of a package deal."
Dimitri nodded. "I want to be in her life."
"Then we need to figure out how we make it work," I said, "I don't know what your work schedule is like."
"It's flexible. There aren't a lot of Moroi who will let me guard them. I do a lot of border work, and when the Princess leaves Court, she always requests that I go to. I think she thinks it makes me feel useful," Dimitri explained, "But I did manage to get weekends off."
I nodded. "Okay. So we start with weekends."
"Really?"
I nodded with a laugh. "Did you think I was going to dangle a carrot in your face and then take it away?"
"No, I just wasn't expecting it so…easily."
I frowned and felt my shoulder drop. "I didn't keep her from you to be cruel," I bit out.
"I'm sorry, that's not what I meant," he said quietly but I waved it off. He didn't need to lie to make me feel better.
I noticed the barista watching us intently and then looking away. I furrowed my brows and looked at my phone, noticing that we had been here longer than I thought. The shop was closing.
"We should probably get going," I said gesturing to the barista and then the time. Dimitri looked over his shoulder to the clock and nodded. He looked a little disappointed as he stood up, cradling a sleeping Remy in his arms. I could understand not wanting to let go. When Remy was born I didn't want to let anyone hold her, nor did I want to ever put her down.
I smiled at him and turned towards the stroller to gather her things, giving him another moment. When I stood up he gave me a sheepish look and kissed her head before handing her over to me. I slipped her coat and hat on, wiggling the mittens onto her hands and strapped her into the stroller.
"Can I walk you to your car?" Dimitri asked.
"I didn't drive. I walked. It's only a ten-minute walk," I explained while securing the blanket around Remy's body.
Dimitri's face paled and he stepped in front of the stroller. "I'd prefer if you didn't walk home."
I raised my brows at him. "I'm a big girl, Dimitri. I may not be a Guardian anymore, but I remember what to do. I carry my stakes."
Dimitri shifted on his feet. "I know. But can I walk you home then?"
"Do you think I can't protect Remy?" I asked genuinely, crossing my arms over my chest.
"No! God no! I know you can, just after what happened at Court…Please?"
I chewed on my lip before nodding. He was being genuine, and I could see where he was coming from. If the roles were reversed, I would insist too. I slipped my coat and hat on, holding the handle of the stroller out for him. He took it and followed me out of the shop, a hint of a smile on his face.
Co-Parenting with Dimitri was tough at first. I had to lay down the rules with Remy. There were things that I didn't want to change. I didn't want people from Court to know about her. Sure, my parents, Adrian, and Alberta knew about Remy – Alberta being by accident, but I wanted it to stay like that. Eddie knew because he had taken up a role as Adrian's Guardian, but that was the extent of it. I had royally screwed up his career and it cost me a friend.
Something else I had to come to terms with quickly.
The first two weekends were awkward. I tried to let Dimitri have time with her, but I wasn't used to sharing parental duties. It made me come across as overbearing, and it made me feel worse. Because in all honesty; he was a great dad.
He knew how to handle her, minus her initial meltdown in the coffee shop. He could make her laugh and smile, knew how to distract her when she was fussy. He was great at getting her to sleep, and by some miracle, she slept through the night when he was there.
After that, it got better. I was able to relax and know that she was taken care of. We took her to the aquarium last week, and I took more pictures than necessary. What I really loved the most was seeing the way he smiled at Remy. It was pure and it was loving, and it was what I had always hoped for. Things between him and I were still awkward, but I could live with that as long as they weren't between him and Remy.
I was enjoying being able to sleep in on Saturday mornings too. Dimitri would drive down from Court Saturday mornings and be here in time for Remy to wake up. This morning though, it wasn't as much of a sleep-in.
"Up!"
I cracked an eye open and found Remy laying against the pillow beside me, her hair wild and sticking up all over the place.
"Up?"
"UP!" Remy screeched, making me flinch. I hear Dimitri's laugh and he ran his hand over Remy's hair.
"I thought I said gently," he said leaning down to kiss her head. I rolled onto my back and sat up, stifling a yawn.
"What's wrong?"
Dimitri shook his head. "Nothing."
"Okay?" I said pushing myself to sit up completely when I spotted the plate on the dresser. I furrowed my brows and looked at him. He smirked and crouched down so he was closer to Remy's level. He held out an envelope to her.
"How about you give Mummy her birthday card," he said waiting for Remy to take it. She looked at it curiously for a moment before extending it to me. I smiled and took it, carefully opening the envelope and pulled the card out.
Happy Birthday!
Love Remy and Dimitri.
I closed the card and smiled at Remy, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "Thank you, baby," I said. Remy grinned at me, but then again, Dimitri had also presented Remy with a small croissant while I was reading the card, so it may have been a smile of satisfaction.
"Thank you," I said to Dimitri when he handed me my plate. He nodded and handed me a small square box too. I took it and pulled the lid off.
"Spa packages?"
"It was Cameron's idea," Dimitri said, "He said you complained about being sore. So I thought maybe being pampered might help."
I smiled and looked at the vouchers. I recognized the spa but also recognized that they weren't cheap vouchers either.
"You didn't need to spend that kind of money on me," I said.
"It's not just from me," he said kindly. I nodded but it was the thought that counted.
"Thank you."
Dimitri gave me a found look as he stood up and picked up the plate, handing it to me and set the mug beside it on the nightstand. I looked at the plate with a smile and then up at him.
"I haven't had these since I stayed with your mother," I said picking up one of the pancakes and dipping it in the fruit preserve. Dimitri smiled and pinched a blini off the plate and broke off a piece for Remy to try. She didn't seem to like it much so he popped the piece into his mouth.
"These taste just like hers," I mumbled with a smirk. "How is she? Your mom?"
Dimitri used the knife on my plate to put some of the fruit onto my plate and nodded. "She's good. She misses you, they all do."
I smiled again and reached for the mug, taking a sip of the tea with content. "I miss them too. How is Sonya's baby?"
Dimitri took a glance at Remy and I could see something cross his eyes. "She's beautiful. I can see similarities of Katya in Remy. Must be the Belikov genes," he said with a smile.
"You've seen them?"
"I went home for Christmas. I wasn't ready to see them until around Halloween, but by then I could make things work. I was able to get time off and saved enough to go home. It was hard, but I'm glad I did it."
"Did you go alone?"
Dimitri shook his head. "No. Uh, Tasha went with me."
I looked down at my plate with a small frown. "Oh."
"It was more that she was insistent on coming. I would have really would have preferred to go alone, but she thought having someone my family was familiar with go would make breaking things easier."
I nodded as he spoke and ate more of my breakfast, but still felt a little sad. She was there for him for something so important, but I reminded myself that I wasn't in his life at the time.
"To be honest, I wish it was you that was with me," Dimitri admitted softly.
"Why?"
"Because they knew you and had grieved with you. I feel like it would have been a better reunion."
I nodded and looked at Remy who was still eating her croissant. "I guess we may need to book another trip. Rem's got a lot of cousins and aunts to meet," I said looking at him. He nodded and gave me a genuine smile.
"I think that would be a fantastic idea," he said softly.
I couldn't stop laughing despite the situation. I left Remy alone for all of a minute and she had dumped the baby powder all over her and the floor. It looked like the bottle had exploded! I pulled my phone out and took a quick picture and picked up my squirmy girl.
"How?" I asked her with a chuckle, walking into the bathroom and sat her on the counter, holding her there as I grabbed a washcloth off the rack.
Remy just looked up at me with her big brown eyes and laughed, clapping her hands together to make the power puff up around her. I cleaned her up and brought her into the living room, setting her in the playpen so I could clean up her room.
It took much longer than expected, and by the time I got it done, Dimitri was going to be here and I hadn't had a chance to clean the rest of the house. But the state of the house wasn't something he'd care about, but I did.
I sent the picture of Remy to him. Sneaky girl can't wait to see you.
I tore through the house in twenty minutes, picking up dirty clothes and dishes as I did, checking on Remy as I did. She had curled up with her teddy bear and laid down in her playpen. I smirked at her and picked up my phone again when it chimed.
Dimitri: I really needed that. Something's come up and Court is locked down and I'm needed here. I will try to get there tomorrow night.
I frowned and hit the call icon on his contact, but it rang to voicemail. I tried again before going to my only other connection to Court. I tapped my foot as I waited for Adrian to answer.
"Hello?"
"What happened?"
"He didn't tell you?"
"No," I sighed, "All he told me was that Court was pretty much on lockdown and that he was needed there."
Adrian sighed heavily on the other side of the phone and I could hear the sounds of a lighter flicking. He inhaled deeply and then exhaled.
"Rose, there was a full-scale breach. Wards went down, a lot of people got hurt."
"How many people?"
"What exactly did he tell you?"
"What I told you," I replied, "What happened!?"
"They got the daycare center," Adrian said quietly. "Nobody thought about placing more than one Guardian at the daycare center because everyone assumes they're safe. Eight kids and two staff members died. The other four staff members were able to get the kids into safety rooms. Dimitri was on that side of Court and was one of the Guardians that discovered it."
I felt so many things. I felt anguish for those parents, sick because they were children, and pain because I knew what seeing that would have done to him. I took a glance at Remy playing with her stuffed animals and hastily wiped the tears off my face.
"With the sun being up is Court still on lockdown?"
"Yes and No. Moroi can't leave without Guardian details. But they are stopping everyone coming in," he said, "Why?"
"Because I'm coming to Court," I said and hung up the phone.
I got a bag packed for Remy and me in record time, got Remy ready and drove the forty minutes to Court, the whole time feeling like a bundle of nerves. Remy babbled away in her car seat, every once in a while, a clear word would come out.
Once I got to the checkpoint, I was happy to recognize a face.
"Eddie," I sighed.
Eddie gave me a nod and his eyes flicked to the backseat. "Who you coming to see?"
"Dimitri," I said, "I know Adrian told you. He's horrible at keeping a secret if he can't tell at least one person."
Eddie looked a little guilty. "I didn't believe it when he told me, but you wouldn't lie about that."
I shook my head. "No. I wouldn't. Do you know where I'd find him?"
"HQ," he said before stepping back and waving to another Guardian in the booth. "I'll make sure you have clearance to come and go while you're here."
I nodded and said my thanks, but he stopped me. "I'm really glad you weren't here," Eddie said. It took me a moment to comprehend what he meant, but I understood. Remy would have been in that daycare.
I parked and jumped out of the car, perching Remy on my hip. Even in the sunlight, Court was bustling. Mostly with Guardians, but there were Moroi out and about too. It didn't take long for me to remember where the main building was and I climbed the stairs, pushing the door open. It was busier inside than it was outside, but more organized in a way.
But it didn't take me long to spot him. He was towards the door at the back that lead to the meeting rooms, and I could see Croft standing with him. I set Remy on her feet for a moment to adjust my bag on my shoulder, but she had already spotted him.
"DE!" she exclaimed, her little legs already carrying her as fast as they could towards him. She hadn't quite said Dad yet, but Dimitri and I both knew what 'De' meant.
Dimitri's head snapped around when he heard her voice. His eyes found me first and then moved downwards as I jogged after Remy. Her excitement filled her voice and face, her arms open for him. He met her halfway and scooped her up, clutching onto her so tight that I thought she'd break. But I also knew that he wouldn't hurt her.
"You're here," he said quietly when I stopped in front of him.
"Adrian told me what happened. I figured you needed more than a picture," I said, getting choked up as I spoke. Dimitri nodded his head vigorously and opened an arm. I stepped forwards and wrapped my arm around his waist, resting my head next to Remy's body. I could feel him trying to keep himself composed, but his whole body vibrated as he held us.
"We're okay," I said soothingly, rubbing my hand over his back. "We're okay."
I knew that we were making a bit of a scene but comforting him was more important right now. I could deal with the ramifications later.
"Thank you," he sighed, resting his face against my hair. I nodded and held him tighter, smiling to myself when he kissed the top of my head.
I pulled the curtain back as I looked out the window. Nightfall was coming and the Guardians were out in bigger numbers. I wasn't sure when Dimitri slept last, but he looked like he was running on fumes.
After pulling back from him in the main building, Croft discreetly told Dimitri to take the night, giving me a sharp nod of the head. We left the building, Remy still clutched in his arms as we went.
His room in Guardian housing was nicer than I imagined but was glad it was.
"Do you want me to see if I can find a porta-crib somewhere? That way Remy can stay here for the night?"
"Are you sure?" he asked from where he sat on the couch with Remy.
I nodded. "Yeah. I think it would do you some good. I know if I witnessed what you witnessed, I wouldn't let her out of my sight," I said.
I wasn't going to pretend to know what he was feeling. I didn't want to even entertain the idea of what he was feeling. I didn't understand how he wasn't falling apart. I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my contacts so I could cancel my plans in the morning.
"Hey, how stupid do you think it will be for me to get a room in guest housing tonight?" I asked Dimitri looking up from my phone as I typed.
Dimitri knitted his brows together. "What do you mean?"
"I mean do you think it'll be hard for me to get a room in guest housing? Or would it be easier to apply for a room in this building?"
"You can stay here," he said sincerely. "I'd prefer it."
"Why?"
"Because then I know where you are. I know that you're safe," he explained, "Please."
I nodded and moved to sit down on the couch with him, resting my elbow on the back of the couch. I reached out and brushed Remy's hair back, watching her suck on her thumb contently. She was quiet tonight but I think she was just tired. Her whole schedule was uprooted and hadn't had her nap.
Forty-five minutes later Adrian showed up at the door with a porta-crib. Dimitri was surprised to see him, but I let Adrian in so he could put it down.
"I knew buying one of these would come in handy! But it took you long enough to bring chicka here!" Adrian exclaimed, wandering over to where Remy dozed on the couch. He didn't disturb her but blew a kiss in her direction.
"If either of you needs anything, let me know," Adrian said heading back to the door. He pointedly look at Dimitri before he left. "That means you too!"
I giggled under my breath after he left, Dimitri's expression shocked, to say the least. Dimitri finally came out of his shock and told me that he would get Remy settled for bed if I wanted to shower. I hadn't thought to bring shampoo, but I smirked to myself as I poured his shampoo into my hand. It didn't smell like I thought it would. He had a distinct musk to him; pine and citrus, but the shampoo smelled so fresh and clean.
I chuckled to myself to find that he had conditioner too, but was grateful. No conditioner was murder to my hair. When I came out fresh and clean, Dimitri had gotten Remy to sleep and was already on one side of the bed.
I glanced at the couch and then back at Dimitri. "Is there another blanket I can use for the ouch?"
Dimitri looked up from his book and shook his head, pulling down the comforter on the other side.
"You don't want to sleep on that," Dimitri said patting the other side. "You'd kill me if I did. I won't bite."
I raised a brow at him and he blanched, wincing. I laughed and snorted, climbing onto the free side of the bed.
"That doesn't mean I don't," I quipped, letting him know that what he said didn't bother me.
I layed on my side with one hand tucked under my cheek. I could hear Remy's quiet snore from her porta-crib behind me, and it made the still air feel less heavy.
I lifted my eyes from the mattress and let them linger on Dimitri. When we did speak about our lives as individuals, we never strayed into my personal life, or why I chose not to be a Guardian. A part of me missed it but the other part of me was relieved to not be one anymore. I got to experience the things I wanted to, got to do things how I wanted and when I wanted.
But there was something that had nagged at me for a few weeks.
"Are you disappointed that I'm not a Guardian?"
"Why would you think I'm disappointed?" Dimitri asked with his eyes closed.
"Because I wasted all your time and training?"
Dimitri smirked. "Why do you not want to be a Guardian?"
I chewed on my lip and shrugged. "I don't want to devote my life to people who will replace me before I'm cold in the ground. I want to devote my life to my child. I couldn't imagine going back to a life of being a human shield twenty-four/seven when I may not make it home. I want to give her what I never got. And if that means doing something mundane, then I'll do it."
I watched Dimitri as I spoke, but his smirk never changed. When I stopped he turned his head, giving me a real smile.
"That's why I'm not disappointed. Because you did it for something you believe in wholeheartedly. It wasn't on a whim; you made a choice for your family. You got out, I can't be disappointed in that," he said as he opened his eyes, looking at me with the slightest tilt of his head.
I smiled to myself and felt a bit of relief that he wasn't disappointed. It was so much that I sought his approval, but he was my mentor, and I didn't want to be a let down, especially since he gave up hours and hours of his time.
I closed my eyes and started to get comfortable when he spoke.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" I whispered and opened my eyes.
"For what I did," Dimitri said quietly. I could just see him in the dark, but his eyes were still open.
"I need more than that."
"What I said at the church; about you taking advantage. I was the one who took advantage," he said looking up at the ceiling. I furrowed my brows.
"You didn't take advantage. We were both drunk," I placated but he shook his head and rolled onto his side, mimicking me by placing his hand under his head.
"Even though I was drunk, I still knew that you were in love with me. And I wanted to feel something other than guilt. I thought the booze would help, and then I took you back to my room. And while I felt something other than guilt with you for just a few hours, when I woke up it all came rushing back," Dimitri said into the space between us, his voice just above a whisper. "I took advantage of what you felt for me."
I stretched my hand out and rested it on his wrist that lay in the space between us, my fingers slowly moving up to rest on his fingers.
"But you did feel something," I said, "You feel things every day. You aren't what you were."
Dimitri nodded and his fingers intertwined with mine slightly, our fingers just brushing. It felt nice to talk about the root of our issues. Being this close to him, breathing in the smell of him on the sheets, our daughter sleeping a few feet away. It felt good.
"I wish I had never gotten drunk that night. If I had just gone home, things would be so much easier."
There went the good feeling. The dumb ache in my chest was an old forgotten friend, but it reared its head. If that night never happened, Remy wouldn't be here. I slowly pulled my hand away, trying to keep my face neutral.
"Do you really wish that night hadn't happened?" I asked, my voice giving away the slightest bit of how I felt.
"Yeah. I do," he said quietly. I nodded and swallowed roughly before pulling back and rolling onto my other side, letting out a sigh while trying to keep my breath steady. Not facing him meant I didn't need to hide my face.
That rejection was worse than the church. My worst fear was like a slap in the face.
I tried to discreetly wipe my face and nose, my eyes focused on the porta-crib. The worst thing about feeling like this was trying to keep it all in. It hurt to keep it in, but it felt like suffocation, trying to keep silent and still.
When I woke my eyes were puffy and red, tender to touch. I woke before Dimitri did and slipped out of the bed, beelining for the bathroom. I splashed cold water over my face in hopes to soothe my eyes, but when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I looked as terrible as I felt.
When I came out both Remy and Dimitri has stirred, and I beat him to the porta-crib. I picked her up and kissed her hair,
"You sleep okay? You tossed a lot," Dimitri asked coming up behind me, stroking his thumb against Remy's cheek.
I cleared my throat and shrugged. "Not really," I said quietly, wandering over to his small kitchenette and started making coffee. I stared as the dark liquid filled the pot and pulled out two mugs, pouring coffee into each of them.
I could hear Dimitri talking to Remy in his porta-crib, making her giggle and babble. It made my chest hurt again. How could someone who spoke to her like that, who looked at her the way he did, and wished what he wished?
"You know, I'm not holding you to anything," I said stirring the sugar into my coffee. The words felt like sand in my mouth, but I needed him to know.
"Okay?" he asked.
"I just mean that, if you wanted the take the easy route, I wouldn't make you stay around," I said blinking back tears. I wasn't going to cry in front of him, and I wasn't going to show him just how hurt I felt.
I could his footsteps behind me, his face coming into my peripheral. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Remy," I said quietly.
"Where is this coming from?"
"You said last night that you wish that night had happened. That everything would have been easier," I reiterated, turning my head to look at him.
"No. I didn't mean that. I love Remy," Dimitri defended fervently, and my heart fluttered at his defence, but I didn't pay too much attention to it.
"And if that night never happened, she wouldn't be here!" I exclaimed, pointing towards her.
"But I didn't mean her! I meant you!"
"Yeah, I gathered that, remember?" I snapped, "You made that clear."
Dimitri took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes. "I meant hurting you. I didn't want to hurt you. The look on your face when we woke up and I told you to leave… Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do," he clarified.
I heaved a deep breath and crossed my arms over my stomach. Waking up that morning and remembering what happened, thinking that things had changed only for him to kick me out stung a lot. I had thought things had changed, but they didn't.
"That's why you turned away last night. You thought I was saying I didn't want Remy," Dimitri said gently, resting his hands on my shoulders.
The frown grew on my face and I gave a slight head nod. "She's the most important thing in my life. If I can protect her from any kind of pain, I will," I said sadly, "She's my everything."
Dimitri pulled me into a hug and wrapped his arms around me tight. I let out a deep sigh and sagged a bit, resting my cheek against his chest and my arms around his waist.
"She's only been mine for a few months. But she's everything to me too," Dimitri promised, his hand rubbing over my back. "And I hate that I hurt you so much that you don't trust me to not hurt you or her."
I nodded against his chest. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want any more apologies from you. You're fine," Dimitri said seriously but I could hear the tone of playfulness in his voice.
I tilted my head up and gave him a faux glare. "Fine."
Dimitri gave me a half-smirk. "I have an idea."
"Uh oh," I said with a smirk.
"I think you and I need a night to work things out between us. If we are going to be parents together, we need to be on the same level. And have open communication. We have wounds that haven't healed properly. We need to heal to be better for Rem," Dimitri proposed.
"I think that's a great idea," I said and pulled back, "But we need to get some food into the mini monster before she throws something," I smirked and went towards the porta-crib where she was playing.
I heard Dimitri mumble under his breath about where Remy got that from, but when I looked back at him, he plastered a smile on his face.
I shifted my weight as I looked at my reflection. I looked nice, but I wasn't sure if it was too nice. It was just a lacy button-up blouse and skinny jeans and a pair of heels, but I wasn't sure about it.
"If it makes you feel better; he's seen you naked. He must have thought you looked hot," Emily said with a smirk as she lounged on my bed. I glared at her in the mirror and turned around.
"Does this look slutty for a mom of a fourteen-month-old?" I asked, gesturing to the shoes.
"I think that you look great. Not too much, but just enough. You look fine! He asked to take you to dinner so you could talk. You look fine," Emily said getting up. "I could call Cameron and have him tell you how great your ass looks if that will help."
I snorted a laugh and shook my head. "No thanks. I believe you," I said grabbing my things and slipping across the hall. Emily had offered to watch Emily while Dimitri and I went out, so Phoebe and Remy got to have their first sleepover.
I poked my head into the room and found the two still fast asleep in the crib, cuddled together beneath the blanket. I crept in and leaned over the crib to kiss Remy's head and crept back.
"Rockstar sleepers?" Emily asked.
"Of course," I said.
"Do I need to worry about screaming?" Emily asked. I shook my head as we headed downstairs.
"No. Surprisingly, she stopped that. I don't know what it is, but she stopped."
Emily nodded and slumped down on the couch and propped her feet up. "So just in case, I put a box of condoms in your nightstands."
My eyes bugged out of my head as I put my things in my purse, using the turn of my body to hide my stake.
"What?"
"Just in case," she said with a smirk and turned the t.v on. I shook my head and opened my mouth when a key clicked in the lock. I gave Emily a pointed look as the front door opened, and Dimitri stepped in.
"Hey," I said with a smile.
"Hey," Dimitri said closing the door, smiling at me and Emily. "You must be Emily?"
Emily nodded and waved. "Nice to meet you, comrade."
I blanched and whipped my head around to look at her, but she just smirked at me. I had told her a bit about him after Dimitri met Remy, but had hoped she wouldn't let on that she knew. I glanced at Dimitri and gave him a meek smile before heading toward him.
"You have my cell if you need me," I called over my shoulder, steering Dimitri towards the door but he stopped me.
"Just let me go check on Remy," Dimitri said softly before heading up the stairs. I rolled my eyes but smiled. He always would go up to her room when he got here, even if I had just done it. It was habit.
Emily smirked at me from her place but pretended to be watching her show.
"You're a pain."
"But you love me," she said in a sing-song voice, a smirk plastered to her face again. I shook my head while Dimitri came back down and he opened the door for me, giving me a wink.
"Thank you, Emily," Dimitri said as we left. She waved at us as I shut the door, mouthing 'just in case' before I closed it.
I tapped the stem of my wine glass as I thought about what to say. It was weird sitting down for a meal with Dimitri without Remy being here. She was like the glue that pulled the two of us together. But now, it was just the two of us.
And the idea of having an adult conversation made me feel skittish. And it made me feel stupid.
"You okay?" Dimitri asked with a raised brow. I blew out a breath, making my hair flutter out of my face.
"I have no idea why I'm nervous," I joked, "I mean. We did date. I guess?"
Dimitri nodded and took the bottle of wine we ordered and filled my glass before topping up his.
"It's been a long time," he said, "For me at least."
I chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, going out for dinner with my friends isn't the same."
Dimitri chuckled and picked up his glass, looking into it for a moment before speaking again.
"Where should we start?"
I shrugged and picked up my glass too. "I don't know. How far back do you want to go?"
"I think we should go back to when I was returned," Dimitri said, "I have a lot of things I need to explain."
I nodded and took a sip of my wine, it did seem like a good place to start.
Dimitri took a sip of his wine and licked his lips. "As I said a few weeks ago, I couldn't feel anything but guilt. But because of the guilt, I couldn't feel anything else. I couldn't feel any happiness that I was alive. But instead, I felt guilt and sadness and grief."
"I still thought about you," Dimitri blurted, "After you left. I wanted to find you but it didn't seem like you wanted to be found. I thought Adrian would know, but he never gave a hint of where you were."
I smirked. "He found me by accident. He dream-walked me and used my subconscious to pick the location. It picked the coffee shop, and he was able to narrow it down from there. He found me roughly six months after I left."
Dimitri nodded and ran his finger against the rim of his glass. It seemed like we were tackling the heavy stuff first so I voiced something that I felt I needed to say.
"I know that you apologized for what you said – about accusing me of taking advantage- but it wasn't the only thing you said that hurt me," I explained slowly, taking my time to not get emotional or worked up.
Dimitri nodded and reached across the table, slipping his hand over mine.
"That was something else I wanted to talk about," he said softly, "What I said in the church about not loving you, at the time I did think that."
"At the time?" I asked, raising my brows at him.
"As I said, all I could feel was guilt. I can't explain what I felt when I was with you that night, but it took time for me to realize what I really could feel beneath it all. And one morning I woke up and all I felt was longing. And the more I thought about it, I realized it was for you.
I felt so many mixed emotions. I had dreamed and hoped of hearing him say that so many times, but I had grown over the last year or so. Eighteen-year-old me would have thrown myself back into his arms the minute he said it. But twenty-year-old me was hesitant. Both because I didn't want to be hurt again and because I knew what I needed emotionally.
"I know that this isn't something you want to hear, but I don't think I can go back to what we had. There is a spot in my heart for you, but I'm not in love with you. I do love you, and I love that you gave me an amazing child, but I can't jump to what we had before."
"What we had before wasn't what I wanted for us," Dimitri said tenderly, "I want to be able to date you, not to rush into things. We moved from friends to lovers and then to nothing so quickly. It wasn't healthy, and it wasn't stable enough to build something out of."
I didn't want to admit it out loud and felt relief that he had said it. What we had wasn't healthy and it wasn't stable. I didn't doubt for a minute that he wasn't in love with me when we did have a relationship, but it wasn't what we deserved.
The rest of our meal went smoothly and I felt more relaxed as the night went on. We finished two bottles of wine between us and I felt like we were on the same level again. We spoke more about what we both wanted going forward, both as parents and as a possible couple.
When the bill came around and we left, I couldn't help but think back to what Emily had said earlier. Tonight's dinner went how I had hoped it would, and now we were heading home. I just hoped that Remy was still asleep when we got there.
"You know," I said to Dimitri as I bumped his shoulder, "Emily thought you would try to get into my pants tonight."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Told me she hid a box of condoms in my nightstand," I joked. Dimitri's laugh bubbled in his chest, the throaty noise bringing a smile to my face.
"Well, as much as I really would like to 'get in your pants' again, now isn't the time," he said coming to stand in front of me, brushing my hair out of my face. I smirked at him and felt my cheeks heat.
"Yeah. I wouldn't mind that either," I said before filtering what I said and my cheeks grew hot. Dimitri laughed again and pecked my cheek, stroking my other one with his thumb. I chuckled and shook my head.
"Wow. Here I was just saying that we can't move too fast and then I say something like that," I said rubbing my fingers against my forehead.
"I think that was the merlot talking. Don't worry, I won't let anything happen," Dimitri chuckled and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, directing me towards the car.
I felt a little nervous about going to a party. Now, it was a Labour Day party, but still. And it was at Court.
Adrian had pleaded with me to come and made a dirty move. He convinced Dimitri that we should go. Dimitri was hesitant because of how I felt about bringing Remy to Court, but at the same time, I wanted to see my friend.
After asking Adrian who was going to be there, he confessed that Lissa and Christian were going to be there along with a few other people. I felt unsure but he promised that if I didn't want to stay, I could leave whenever and he wouldn't bring it up.
We eventually won me over by stating that it was a daytime party and we would be able to use the pool too. So I stood in the foyer with Remy nestled in my arms, dressed in her swimsuit and shorts. I had my bathing suit on underneath my clothes too, but as I looked out the back door at the people who mingled by the pool.
"Mommy down?" Remy asked as she wiggled in my arms. I nodded and set her on her feet, taking her hand in mine.
"We don't have to go out there," Dimitri said from behind me, his lips pressing against my head.
"I think it's time, don't you think?" I said looking up at him. He gave me a small smile and tipped his head down, pressing his lips softly to mine. I smiled as he pulled away and watched him open the door, smirking at us.
I took a breath and nodded and towing Remy gently out to the yard. Adrian spotted us first and waved at us, a beer in his hand. I smiled at him and let go of Remy's hand when she tugged against it.
I chuckled as she wrapped herself around Adrian's leg, talking a mile a minute to him. He smirked and picked her us, pressing kisses to her head before continuing his conversation. I walked out into the yard with Dimitri and saw Eddie heading towards us.
"Hey," I said when he came to a stop in front of me.
"Hey," he said with a soft smile, looking just as boyish as he did when we were at the Academy.
"I'm glad that you came," he offered as we walked towards the rest of the partiers, Dimitri a step behind us.
"Me too," I said quietly, "How have you been doing?"
Eddie shrugged and opened the lid to the cooler and pulled out a few bottles of water, offering them to Dimitri and me. I took it and cracked the seal of the bottle, taking a sip. I took a glance around the yard and spotted Lissa and Tasha a few feet away, sipping from their glasses.
"I've been good. Adrian's kept me busy with his travelling, but it's really been more like a vacation. How about you? You guys doing okay?"
I looked up at Dimitri and nodded. "We've been good," I answered with a smile.
Eddie nodded and glanced at Dimitri before looking back at me. I turned at looked up at him.
"Can you give us a minute?" I asked. Dimitri nodded and pecked me on the lips, making my cheeks blush. Eddie chuckled and watched Dimitri walk towards Adrian.
"You two are doing better," he commented with a smirk. I scoffed with a shrug.
"It's fairly recent," I said slowly, "We're giving things another go."
Eddie nodded and I directed us towards a few lawn chairs. I was being honest that things were recent. After our dinner in early summer, we slowly mended things. I started coming up to Court more often, he started staying the night during the week. It was difficult sometimes if he had to work nighttime shifts, but he had mostly switched to daytime when he came into our lives again.
The night of our dinner we both stumbled into the house after we stopped at a pub down the block. We had had a couple more drinks before going home. Emily had already fallen asleep when we got home, so instead of waking her, I just offered Dimitri the other side of my bed. It wasn't like we hadn't shared a bed recently.
But when I woke up in the morning it felt right. Because this time I didn't need to worry about being kicked out, instead, he just pulled me closer and rested his face in the crook of my neck. I was perfectly content unless Emily barged in thinking that I was alone.
Dimitri jolted up when she called out and her eyes widened before stepping back out of the room. I grunted a laugh before Dimitri laid back down, rolling onto his stomach and rested his head against my shoulder, mumbling that Remy wasn't awake yet.
"And you're happy with him?" Eddie asked.
"Yes. He's making me happy," I said softly. Eddie nodded and took a sip of his beer and looked down at the bottle, rolling it between his palms.
"I don't suppose that it's too late to apologize for being such a prick?"
I shrugged and propped my feet up, leaning back with a sigh. "I don't know. I mean, it's been two years."
Eddie nodded and pursed his lips before I nudged him with my foot. "Relax. I'm in a forgiving mood today," I laughed.
"Really? Because to be honest, I've missed my best friend and have felt like an idiot."
"I missed my best friend too. And you were an idiot, but you were angry. I cost you your career."
"But you didn't. I did what I did willingly. And if I had to do it again, I would," he said turning to look at me with determination. I nodded and tapped the end of my water bottle against his.
"I think that you should meet Rem officially," I said standing up, pulling him with me. I could see that Remy was trying to talk Adrian into something while Dimitri stood there trying to keep a straight face, but it cracked ever so slightly as he let a chuckle slip.
I felt a tingle in my head that I hadn't felt in a long time and glanced across the yard, finding Lissa's eyes on me with a gaped mouth. I gave her a wave and turned my attention back to the baby mastermind in front of me.
"What is she talking you into?"
"A pony," Dimitri chuckled, "And I think she might succeed."
I snorted a laugh and shook my head. "No. No pony."
Adrian and Remy pouted, but Adrian's turned into a smirk. "Fine. Life ruiner," he murmured but let Remy get down when she demanded it. I watched her waddle towards a flowered bush a few feet over and followed, crouching down beside her.
She had become so curious about plants lately. She loved them and I even bought a little tree to keep in her room because she liked them so much. Dimitri had suggested that we make a little garden in the yard, and when he came home yesterday with a bunch of plants and gardening tools, I thought she was going to fall over in excitement.
"You like these?" I asked running my fingers over the odd-looking white petals. Remy nodded her head and plucked a petal off.
"Do you know what they're called?"
Remy shook her head. I smirked and brushed her hair behind her ear. "They're called Remy's Gardenias."
Remy's face lit up with a gasp as she whipped her head around to look at me. "I'm Remy!"
I laughed and kissed her temple. "Yes you are," I said softly.