A/N: I just want to start off by saying that this is not meant to be a dig at anyone. If you're the type to get your feathers ruffled or panties in a bunch because it's not the ending you want/imagine please feel free to NOT leave a review or even read any further! I never have and never will see the point in reading something and then tearing it down and making the author feel like shit because the piece hurt your feelings. There's dozens - hundreds in some fandoms - of fic writers for all ships!I get to the urge to protect your ship to a degree. I respect the love you have for whichever ship you follow and I tried to be as respectful as possible to the characters/ships I've included in this piece. Because I too, love each of them (actors and characters) as individuals more than anything - even with not having watched the show in five years. There are inaccuracies and things that may be OOC, especially with Hailey because I only saw her when she was introduced in season four and the beginning of season five. With that said, this is purely fiction obviously. I recognize that this is likely to be the absolute last way things will play or have played out on the show. I did get some inspiration from a rather controversial exit of a character on another show. But this is 100% FANON. This is me expressing myself in a way that I love. So read at your own discretion and like all my other stories if you hate Erin/Linstead or if you ARE a fan of Voight than this fic is NOT for you! Without further ado, I present to you "From My Past To My Future".
The badge - his badge feels heavy around his neck making the chain that's holding it dig into his skin as he walks through the empty bullpen. He takes in every desk, every detail right down to the positions of each pen. His eyes scan over the chairs - picturing every person and member of the unit that has sat in them at one point or another. His heart aches with the memory of the ones they lost on the job. And once he gets to the break room he pauses - taking a moment to remember those fallen cops as well as all his other teammates, partners and friends. The men and women that have become his family in their unique ways. His quiet and wise uncle, to additional brothers and a couple sisters, both older and younger than him and lastly the two women that he loves with all of him - his past and his future. The two people that have been through more than their fair share of life. Women that through it all have made him a better cop and a better man and for that he loves them equally - in ways as unique as they are. And the memories with them - everyone - is what comes to mind as he turns his attention from the mounted pig head and W flag on the wall to the break room. Every memory he has in the space over the last ten years flashes through his mind's eye like a movie. He smiles sadly as he places a hand on the doorframe and leans into it for a moment before pushing himself off and to the left.
He feels cold as soon as he steps into the Sergeant's office - the man that has forced Jay's hand. The person that has pushed him time and again both on a personal level and professional. The boss that has never gone by the book and continuously tossed Jay's moral compass aside too many times to count.
It's why he's leaving for a new beginning because he's finally had enough. And though he originally thought of joining another unit in Chicago - even accepted an offer. One call from the Connecticut FBI office had him changing his mind and deciding to start a new. He had hoped that his wife would be embarking on this journey right along side him but when she couldn't find a job, she backed out and he was tempted to do the same. But she insisted on him going and they'll do things long-distance until she can find something there. So here he is, turning his letter of resignation in along with his gun and badge. Oddly enough, this has been the hardest part. Looking down at the badge still hanging from his neck one more time before lifting the chain up and over his head. He runs his thumb over the number assigned to him straight out of the academy. 51163. And as his thumb reaches the last number he sets it down next to the standard issued gun. Then he's leaving - walking back the way he came and glancing over his shoulder once more before descending the stairs for the last time.
"Chuckles." Trudy says with the signature scowl on her face - attempting to hide the fact that she has tears in her eyes.
"It's Detective Chuckles or I guess now it's Agent?" Jay comes back with followed by a short huff from the woman behind the desk.
"We're going to miss you around here." And he thinks he hears the hardened Desk Sergeant's voice break just a little with that sentence.
"Aww, c'mon Sarge don't get all sappy on me now." Jay jokes - trying to lighten the mood.
"Oh, I wasn't referring to myself there Chuckles. No, no, no, I'll be fine not seeing your mug everyday." She inclines and he nods - not sure if he should believe her or not.
"Right." Jay's eyebrows raise and then fall with the single word, a short laugh passing through his lips.
"Seriously though kid, take care of yourself and we'll make sure to take of your girl." She says as she gestures towards the doors leading outside.
"Thanks Platt." He nods back and then he's actually leaving. His eyes landing on the blonde standing on the front steps of District 21 as soon as he gets outside.
"Hey." He greets his wife as soon as he's close enough to reach out and touch her. His hands grip her hips and turn her into him.
"Hey." She gives him a fake smile, one that doesn't reach her eyes. Her beautifully blue orbs appearing kind of dull and it hurts to know he's doing this to her.
"We're going to be ok." He assures her and she nods hesitantly.
"And we'll be back together in no time." He adds as he pulls her into his embrace.
"I thought we agreed that this move is good for us?" He questions as she takes a step back and they begin to walk to the truck.
"We did." She murmurs and he can tell she's keeping something from him as she wipes at her cheeks and gives him another one of those sad smiles.
He leans down to kiss her in hopes of providing some comfort and letting her know that she can tell him what's on her mind. But when she stays quiet, the words of how he loves her from his lips next, waiting to hear her say it back before he's telling her he'll call when he can and then he's climbing into the truck.
The thought of sleeping in the truck as he pulls up and parks in the driveway of the house, is tempting. To say he's exhausted would be an understatement - every part of his body aches from the long drive and there's nothing he'd like more than to shower and sleep. But as he turns the truck off and picks up the box from the passenger seat he feels a sort of excitement wash over him.
As soon as he unlocks the door, he can see it - pictures the life and family that he hopes to have in the near future. Two, maybe even three kids and a dog, he's not sure if his wife will agree to the last part but he'll do his best to convince her. He can imagine the late nights with the kids as babies, later the elation and sadness when they're suddenly no longer babies and they start to walk and talk, then building forts with the couch cushions and him waking up with a sore back from sleeping on the floor to doing homework at the dining room table. And when he snaps out of his daydream, it's completely lost on him that his wife wasn't in any of his visions - taking in the fact that he's smiling wide at the idea of a family instead.
Those happy thoughts revitalize him and give him enough energy to move everything packed in and on his pick up truck into the house. He even fits in a shower before collapsing on the couch that came with the house. The piece of furniture somehow lacking both function and form but it'll have to do for the night.
His first day on the job is rather boring - getting the basic run down like a kid starting at a new school. He finds himself getting annoyed with how he's treated but he reasons that it'll pass and a week later, he feels it slowly is. The initial tension gradually dissipating as they close the first case he was in on and his new unit invites him out for drinks.
It's a small place, a little run down but seems to be a popular spot with every table and seat filled. And before he knows it he's comparing it to Molly's. It makes him miss Intelligence and Chicago but he doesn't get to focus on that for long as hears his name. He joins the team and soon they're all immersed in different side conversations. And when those conversations begin to die down they all throw out their own excuses of why they need to go. He's thankful for the early night when he remembers that he wanted to Facetime with his wife before it got too late.
So as soon as he steps through the front door of the house, he dials out - leaving the phone on the coffee table so he can take off his shoes.
"Hello?" She says but the connection breaks up a little. Then she repeats the greeting after he hears her ascend a set of stairs.
"Hey, I just wanted see how you were."
"Ok." She looks back over her shoulder just as he picks the phone up. He can see she's in the bullpen and can tell that now's not a good time.
"I'm sorry, can I call you back? We just got a lead." She asks and he nods in understanding.
"Ok I love-"
But she ends the call before he can finish what he was going to say. He understood the need to go but he didn't appreciate how she just hung up. The nagging feeling in his stomach ruminates for another minute before he gets a text from her that says she loves him too. He smiles down at the words displayed on the screen as he moves into the kitchen to get himself some water and then heads upstairs.
The coffee splashes out a little as it first hits the bottom of the cup - his third of the morning - hoping this will be the one that gets him through the rest of the day since for some reason he hasn't been sleeping all that well the last few nights. And he reasons that his lack of sleep is responsible for what he hears next. He thinks he misheard it at first - that his overtired brain is playing tricks on him. But as he turns around - his back now facing the coffee machine he realizes that the voice belongs to the exact person that came to mind.
She simultaneously looks the same and so different but still effortlessly beautiful. Her hair is longer and back to it's natural, darker color with just a few strikes of highlights to give the tresses a sunkissed appearance. The features of her face are fuller but not overly so, her jawline looking sharper than ever. She didn't seem to age at all in the last five years with her skin looking so radiant, she's practically glowing. His breathing becomes shallow as he drink in the rest of her.
She looks away for a moment to refocus before she continues with the briefing; her raspy voice is just as enticing as he remembers. Those hazel eyes that he used to get lost in meet his again and then she gives him a once over. Her lips form a flat line causing her dimples to pop ever-so-slightly and there's a sadness in her eyes, something he can see even from across the room before she adverts her gaze.
He pushes his feelings aside to focus on the case but truthfully he's not completely present in the conversations had or the information being discussed - at least not until he's addressed directly. He somehow shares what he's found without missing a beat - even though it's unnerving that she's looking at him again as he talks. But to his relief she doesn't turn away when his eyes meet hers. The ability to have a silent conversation between the two of them is still intact. Both of them wondering what the other is doing there and she's telling him that they need to talk which has him nodding in agreement.
But after that they're too engrossed in the case to have a moment to themselves. And when the team is done for the day, she leaves too quickly for any of them to even bid her goodbye.
He can't get her off his mind for the rest of the night - not even when he's talking to his wife over the phone. Her name even comes up in the conversation - unable and unwilling to keep it a secret from Hailey. If she's surprised she's hiding it well, sounding rather unfazed by the namedrop.
"How is she?" She asks and he shrugs as if she can see him. He thinks back to when he saw his ex in the bullpen and how she was able to stay professional once the shock wore off. But he doesn't say that when he snaps out of his daze.
"I don't know, didn't really get a chance to talk outside of the case. But she seemed just as surprised to see me as I was her." He admits truthfully and Hailey hums in reply.
"And how are you?" She questions next and he's not sure how to take that seeing as how she already asked him how he was doing when the call first started. Then she elaborates and he understands that she meant how is he after seeing his ex for the first time since she left Chicago and left him five years ago.
He shrugs again, forgetting once more that she can't see him. "Honestly just a little confused as to why she's here instead of New York."
"Mmhmm." She murmurs and it gets him to change the topic.
"Have you heard back from any of the precincts here?" He inquires to get rid of the awkwardness that made it's way into their conversation with the mention of Erin.
"A couple." She answers curtly and his eyebrows furrow as he sits forward some.
"We should have started with that. Why wouldn't you have-?" He stops himself when the answer to his question comes to him. "You're not accepting any of them?"
"The positions would be demotions Jay." She tells him and he pinches the bridge of his nose.
"I'm sure you'll find something soon." He says with confidence.
"And what if I can't?" She snaps back as if he wouldn't have understood her if she had said it softer.
"Then I'm coming back." He states sternly.
"No, I think we should just stay where we are for now." She declines and his index finger and thumb press harder together.
"I should have just stayed there." He sighs exasperatedly.
"Maybe but the fact is you didn't Jay." She quips and he feels bad but also angry that she let the opportunity that was presented to him get in the way of how she truly felt.
"I accept my fault in this Hailey but don't act like this is just on me. I said I was going to turn down the FBI's offer here and then again when you couldn't find a job and decided to stay in Chicago until you did. You were the one that pushed for me to come here, and start fresh. So you don't get to place the blame solely on my shoulders." He defends and she sniffles, causing him to feel a ping of pain through his chest.
"I'm not. I just think we jumped into this - all of it without clear heads. Too much was going on, with you, me, the whole Roy and Voight thing. It was a lot and I felt like I was going to lose you along with everything else." She whispers and he feels even worse - knowing that she's still dealing with the aftermath of shooting the man that kidnapped and almost killed Burgess. He tries to clear his mind of that day - having since put her on speaker and set the phone on the table as he paces in front of the couch.
"What are you saying Hailey?" He thinks he knows but he just wants to hear her confirm it.
"I'm saying..." Her uneven breathes cause a crackling sound to come through the phone. "I'm saying that I think we should consider getting an annulment."
"I'm coming back there." He repeats and she declines once more before he hears the beeping that signals that the call has ended.
He tries to call her back but when he's sent to voicemail he decides to give her the night and tries her again first thing in the morning. By the end of the conversation they're calm enough to reach a mutual decision before having to report to their jobs.
Halloween is one of the most dreaded days for him - anyone in law enforcement really. It seems to be a free for all for criminals - an annual, real-life purge of sorts that occurs across the country centered around the spooky season. But this year, though he hates that people have been hurt and senselessly murdered. He's actually grateful for the distraction of the job. It leaves him no time to dissect the mess he's made of his marriage.
Their most recent case has them all on edge as they scramble to connect the victims of a new serial killer in the area. And he's the one who finds the link, finding that they all played for the same youth soccer league - teammates to the perp that was pranked and bullied by the victims on Halloween almost twenty years ago. The perp is a coach for the same league and confesses as soon as they bring into the bureau. It's open and shut after that and once paperwork is done the whole team is sent home early.
Jay is just walking off the elevator when he sees her, once again appearing overly eager to get home. He finds himself wondering why? Does she have another job for some reason? Is she married? Different things run through his brain as he watches her car speed out of the parking lot.
He goes over those thoughts on the drive and even as he goes through his new after work routine, showering first before getting into comfortable clothes followed by cooking dinner, eating said dinner and watching a game - tonight the Bears play the 49ers. He's just about finished with his food when the doorbell rings. His eyebrows furrow as he stands up to peek out the window immediately being reminded of the day and that kids will be trick-or-treating until nine, which he only recalls because he thought it was a little late for a school night. Thankfully he remembered to get some candy when he went grocery shopping last week so he's prepared. Except when he opens the door he realizes just how unprepared he really is.
His eyes meet hers for what feels like the hundredth time in the last few days since the unit joined in on that case of hers.
"Erin?" He's too distracted by her standing before him that he doesn't even notice what the two children in between them are saying to him. Their giant wolf-like dog fitted with a small saddle on it's back barks causing Jay to break from his thoughts and look down at the two tykes waiting patiently for their candy. And out of all the scenarios he came up with just a couple hours ago, he can't say her having kids was one of them. His gaze shifts slightly to look for a ring on her finger. He doesn't see one, so he thinks maybe she nannies after work or something but rids himself of that idea when he looks at the kids again. They look the same age maybe four or five even, a little girl dressed as a superhero he's doesn't recognize, with blue hair, a blue half mask and an outfit that's blue and green with a V in the middle. The costume conceals the a couple of the little girl's facial features but he can still see dimples pop on each side of her face when she smiles as Jay gives her a couple pieces of candy. Then he looks at the little boy standing beside her, he's dressed as a cowboy from the signature hat down to the boots but even in the dark and under the rim of the hat, Jay can see the child's eyes that match his own.
"What do you say?" Erin asks the kids and they both look back at Jay.
"Thank you." They say sweetly in unison.
"You're welcome." Jay mumbles back, still processing this newfound information. She nods her head at him in her own silent thanks before they're soon out of sight but he can't get her or them off his mind.
And it seems he's not the only one because not long after that the doorbell rings again. He reopens the door to a new group of trick-or-treaters but sees Erin walking back towards his house with one kid on each side, both of them holding one of her hands with the dog walking beside them. Once the candy is given out, the other group runs off and Erin comes to stand on his front steps again.
"We should be back to our house by seven thirty. Do you think we can talk?" She whispers and he nods, as he hands the next set of trick-or-treaters some candy.
"Yeah, I think we should." He says sternly as he looks at her kids again - his stomach balling into knots with his suspension.
She points towards the end of the block, tells him to turn right and gives him an address - her address before they're walking away again.
The hands on his watch shift, showing that it's now a new hour just as he brings his hand up to knock. He's been standing there for twenty minutes, waiting for his heart and mind to both settle. But it's only made matters worse - knowing he's not going to get any answers to his questions if he doesn't talk to her. The door swings open mere seconds after his knuckles rap against the wood.
"Hi." The little girl greets him from where she's propped up on her mom's hip, her head resting on Erin's shoulder. He returns the word in a whisper with a small smile gracing his face. Without the mask and wig the little one was wearing just a couple hours ago he can see the resemblance between the mother and daughter. And with that he can see the few differences as well. Like the freckles dusting her cheeks and the bridge of her little button nose, the slight wave to her hair and the color of her eyes, a mix of blue-green and hazel.
"I was beginning to think you were going to leave." Erin murmurs, effectively breaking him from his daze.
"No, I just uhh..I guess I just needed a little extra time." His right hand reaching around to scratch the back of his neck in the nervous way he does.
She nods in understanding, her eyes portraying the sorrow she feels.
"Her brother is already out for the night, I just have to tuck her in and then we can talk, if you want to come in." She offers as she takes a step back. He nods as he walks into the house. She closes and locks the door behind him before turning to him again.
"Goodnight Da-"
"I'll be right back." Erin interrupts her daughter - hoping he doesn't recognize what she was about to call him. Then the pair is disappearing up the stairs.
He takes the time to take in his surroundings. The open concept of the lower level makes the space look much bigger than it does from the outside. And he's surprised that it's rather tidy, considering that Erin was one of the messiest people he's ever met. But then again, he reasons that five years and motherhood could certainly change that. Seeing as how - other than a few stray toys and the pictures adorning the walls and tables, he wouldn't guess that there's two young children that reside here either. He moves further into the room and looks at each candid photo and the couple he believes are school pictures. One of his hands seemingly moves of it's own volition - reaching for and picking up a framed picture of the three of them - a selfie of sorts. He smiles sadly again as he takes in the uncanny resemblance between mother and daughter before his eyes land on the little boy. From his brown hair with a faint red tint, to his freckled cheeks and lips and finally to his eyes. It seems the only feature that was passed down to him from his mother is the dimples. And when Jay gets to the next picture of just the brother and sister as toddlers, he can see the similarities between them too. Part of him was trying to deny it - trying to concoct a different working theory. But with every picture, he sees more of himself in them and it's undeniable. Yet another grin pulls at his lips when he sees the last frame on the table - an image of the twins kicking a soccer ball, one - the little boy - is wearing a uniform while his sister is dressed in a yellow tank top and a pink skirt with a baby doll clutched tightly in her arms.
He's startled by the faint laugh he hears from her as she approaches him. The giant dog walking right beside her - growling as he looks at Jay. Erin shushes the all black, Shepherd type dog, telling him to go lay down and he immediately obeys the command.
She goes to pick up that same framed pictured and smiles down at it. "When they were toddlers, I thought she was going to be like me as far as being more of a tomboy. She only ever wanted to wear Alex's clothes and her favorite toys were always the ones bought for her brother."
"What changed?" Jay asks, genuinely curious to hear about both kids.
Erin shrugs, the smile still present on her face. "One day I came home from work, their babysitter just said she didn't do it as I went to see them and when I went into the playroom Ava was suddenly obsessed with all things pink, and princesses and baby dolls. The one she's carrying here was the first one she got and it's her favorite. I was actually surprised she wanted to go as Voyd from The Incredibles for Halloween. I thought for sure she'd want to be a princess."
"So now - other than her looks, she's nothing like you?" He jokes and she narrows her eyes at him, pretending to be offended.
"I can be girly too." She objects and he laughs lightly.
"Name one thing you own that's pink." He knows it's a bad comeback but she doesn't seem off-put by it.
"Excuse me but I'll have you know I own several pink things." She sets the frame down and crosses her arms over her chest.
"Ok then list them off." He smirks, not expecting her to actually follow through with his request.
But she doesn't hesitate to name a couple articles of clothing, finishing off the list with that blush colored outfit she got back in Chicago not long after they had gotten back together, a pink tint coming to her cheeks and he remembers exactly what she's talking about. A flashback of that night that started at Molly's comes to them both.
"My B.O.B is pink." She adds with a little more confidence and he swallows hard at the mention of her toy.
A silence stretches between them after that - the turn in the conversation from innocent to not causing them to realize that they've stalled long enough.
"What are you doing here Jay?" Her smile faltering a little at first until it's gone completely.
"Umm...you invited me here, remember?" He asks confused - even though he knows that's not what she meant and the look she gives him reinterates that.
"I meant in Connecticut smartass." She chuckles halfheartedly.
"I finally had enough of Voight but I think the better question is what are you doing here? Because last time I remember you were in New York." He says as she traces one of the frames and then turns towards the couch.
"When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I'd eventually want something like this - something outside city living for the baby, well babies. So when they offered me a promotion here when the twins were two, I jumped on it and we've been here ever since." She says as she looks around her livingroom.
"So you never planned on telling me about them? You couldn't bother to mention it when we were still talking? See if I don't know, maybe I'd want to be a part of their lives?" He asks next - no longer holding back his anger for not knowing that she had his children. But the anger fades just a little when he sees the look of genuine confusion cross her face and tears in her eyes - telling him without words that she had tried or maybe that she did tell him. His heart races with the onslaught of different emotions he's feeling and it only seems to get worse as he waits for her response. They both stay quiet as they attempt to prepare themselves for the long overdue conversation they're about to have - both of them fearing what will come of it.