A/N: Hey thanks for checking this story out. I've had this in my head for probably a good few years now and recently I haven't been able to give anything else the attention it deserves until I got this out.
The title comes from the Taylor Swift song "I Bet You Think About Me," specifically the line "Does it make you feel sad that the love that you're looking for is the love that you had?"
While my other currently in progress story "If I Get Burned" takes place after the return from Italy in New Moon, this story "The Love That You're Looking For" is set 4 Years after Edward and the Cullens' departure in New Moon. Victoria never stopped when Edward left, and though the Wolf Pack managed to keep her safe, they never managed to completely eliminate the threat from the fiery-haired vampire, and now she's gone to the Volturi. Alice returns to Forks to find Bella and save their family. Will Bella leave the life she made with Jacob to save the very people who left her behind? And what is waiting for her if she goes?
The Love You're Looking For. . .
Prologue -
Golden eyes meet mine, as unnatural as the feelings blossoming in my chest. Something deep inside me says that they wouldn't lie, not about this, and I find myself believing two people I thought I'd never see again.
There was so much that needed to be said but the words would not come, frozen in my throat as they were.
Has it really come down to this? A few traded words and me once again running from the sunless town I at one time hated just as strongly as my mother had. I look away from their eyes and down to my hands clenched in my lap. Has it only been a few hours since my hand was in someone else's, another future staring me in the face?
Chapter 1 - To Love Would Be To Lose My Mind
"But I knew you'd linger like a stolen kiss
I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs
The smell of smoke would hang around this long
'Cause I knew everything when I was young
I knew I'd curse you for the longest time
I knew I'd wish you would've changed your mind
I knew you'd miss me once the moment died
I knew to love would be to lose my mind"
- Cardigan Voice Memo - Taylor Swift
The arrival board switches as we stand waiting. I finally caught sight of the gate number designated for the flight from LAX. I turn around, looking for the sign pointing us in the right direction.
"It's over here," Jake calls out to me.
With his arm slung casually over my shoulders we walk towards our destination when Jake's eye catches the long row of food options leading down a side hall. "Go," I urged him, not surprised in the slightest. "I'll meet them at the gate if you're not back."
"Do you want anything?"
"Maybe coffee for everyone, it's a long drive back. Get water for Rebecca, too."
"Sure, sure."
I watch him leave, not in any rush. Their plane won't land for another twenty minutes and who knows how long it will take them to get off said plane.
I turn back towards my destination when my eyes catch sight of something that makes my heart stop. A tall, lean guy with curly blond hair, and a small girl with short spiky black hair are standing a few yards ahead of me. A sense of foreboding settles over me and even from this distance, there's no doubt in my mind that it's them.
My breath catches in my throat as someone bumps into me in passing. I take a step to the side to balance myself
Alice looks up suddenly, our eyes meeting instantly, gold and brown. I'm completely frozen. She raises her hand to wave when I manage to snap out of it. I turn back and take the hallway Jake had taken as quickly as I can with my head low.
Am I hallucinating again?
They can't really be here. It's not possible.
Not after all this time.
"Bella?" Jake calls out, his cell to his ear. He looks me up and down, scrutinizing my ashen face. "You okay? You look like you saw a ghost or something. What happened?" I'm probably as pale as the vampires I saw.
"I'm fine," I insist even though we both know that's a lie. Even if I wanted to consciously admit to what I saw, here isn't the place.
"Rach just come to the bagel place. For the love of God!" His voice is loud as he pulls me into his side.
His warmth isn't as comforting as usual, vaguely suffocating because I feel sick. I need fresh air.
"Fine! We'll be at baggage claim." He gives in. He rolls his eyes as he stuffs the bagels in a bag, handing me a coffee and taking my hand as we head away from Alice and Jasper.
How long was I desperately hoping to get a chance to see them like I just had? How many unanswered phone calls and emails did I send to the vampire who was only a few hundred feet from me for the first time since I turned 18?
I kidded myself for not staying in the present"We can always stop for food. I'm sure Rebecca will have to stop to use the restroom, being pregnant and all. Emily always did, remember?" I remind him. It's better I focus on something else right now. We both need to get away from here.
"It's fine. I'm used to it." He replies. "So are you gonna tell me why you look like you've seen a ghost?"
I cringe, wishing he wasn't so observant. "My stomach is sick," not a lie, "I think I must have eaten something off."
"Coffee probably won't help that." He notes.
I shrug. "It certainly isn't making it worse." And with the sure to be exasperated nightmares, sleep doesn't sound too comforting.
Rachel and Rebecca are waiting for us, Rebecca sitting on a bench while Rachel is messing with her phone.
"Hey!" Rebecca calls out to us once she sees us. Jacob rushes over to help her up while Rachel wraps me in a tight hug.
"I've missed you guys so much!" Rachel gushes while we switch hug partners.
"It's been too long," I agree.
"It's about time you two come home, Bella was becoming Dad's favorite daughter." Jacob teases.
I reach back and hit him on the arm. "Don't listen to him."
"Let's get going. I am not looking forward to this car ride." Rebecca says as Jacob takes both of their suitcases with an ease that's unexplainable to them.
The ride home is thankfully uneventful, all four of us crammed into the cab of my truck. My eyes constantly scan the roads for a vampire I know I won't be able to see.
I glanced down and touched the crescent-shaped scar on my hand. It still felt several degrees cooler than the rest of my skin. A constant reminder, telling me that I would never be able to leave the past behind me, no matter what his words were to me that day.
Jacob can feel how tense I am but he doesn't know the cause, and I don't want to tell him, especially with his sisters here. Thankfully they talk most of the way home so I don't have to try and hold a convincing conversation.
At least ten times I convinced myself that I was just seeing things, there's no way Alice and Jasper were here. H-he made it very clear that they didn't want anything to do with me. . . And at least ten times I tell myself that I know what I saw. I would know them anywhere like I know my own reflection.
The rare sunny day we come home to in Forks is a blessing. I know I will be free of whatever stress I have due to Alice and Jasper's return at the moment because, at the very earliest, I won't see them until sundown. . . Or if I seek them out, which I'm not planning on.
Maybe I'm worrying for nothing, it was probably a coincidence. Alice sure looked surprised to see me, and nothing surprises Alice. Maybe their sudden appearance has nothing to do with me at all.
With Rachel's help, I put together the dinner dishes I already made, assuming correctly I would be too tired to make everything when we finally got back here after eight hours of driving.
I'm solemn through dinner, my mind stuck on the face of my former best friend who hasn't changed at all. I pick at my food, adding pieces to Jake's when no one is looking.
They probably aren't even here for me, Seattle is quite the distance from Forks. It had to be just a coincidence, Alice looked as blindsided as I felt.
"Bells, what's wrong?"
"What?" I look up when Jake's voice breaks through. "Sorry."
"You're not usually this distracted."
We both stand to bring the dishes back to the kitchen. "I'm not feeling well, I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Okay, well you know where it is." He gestures to his room.
"I think I'm going to Charlie's tonight." I phrase it like my mind isn't already made up, as if I wasn't desperate to be on my own to process this. "You should spend time with your sisters. I'll be fine." I assure him.
"Want me to drive?" He offers.
"Spend time with your family, Jake. I can make the ten-minute drive to Charlie's." The nightmares will no doubt be vicious tonight, and I didn't need to keep the whole house up, especially Rebecca.
I don't know what I was expecting to find when I got home, but Carlisle's black Mercedes sitting alone in my driveway was not on the list. I had convinced myself it was nothing. And I know the car is his, or at least was his, I've spent enough time in it.
Rain starts to fall like a switch was flipped as I stare blankly through my windshield, my heart in my throat. Should I turn around or bite the bullet? If we're at a standstill I know I won't outlast them.
They must be here for a reason, I tell myself.
When my eyes settle on Alice and Jasper in the front seat I know it's too late to turn back now. I need them to leave before Charlie gets home. The fewer people that know the better.
I pull my truck up into the driveway next to them. I don't wait for them when I walk to the front door and let myself in. I leave the door open for them to let themselves in while I hang my coat in the hall closet.
"Bella!" Alice's cold body wraps me in a vice-like grip while I stand frozen. "I can't believe we found you. I haven't been able to see you and I was so worried."
I stare quietly, unable to process. The last time I saw them was burning in the back of my mind and I couldn't stop the floodgates from bursting with the pain.
Jasper winces and I'm sure that had solely to do with the flurry of emotions I'm trying my best to repress.
"What's that smell?"
"Werewolves," I answered without thinking. Victoria asked the same thing.
"Excuse me?" Alice asked. "Jesus, Bella, the vampires leave town and you find the only mythical creature more dangerous." She chided.
Like she has a place to criticize me. I take a shaky step back, I don't want to fight with her. I know they wouldn't understand anyway. "What are you two doing here?" I didn't mean for it to sound so rude but I didn't care.
"Listen, Edward needs-" I cut her off.
"Edward can go fuck himself." God that felt good.
"You don't mean that," she started to say.
"Yes, Alice. Yes I do. You all made it very clear that you wanted nothing to do with me and didn't care if I lived or died. Or if anyone I loved lived or died."
They both looked confused at my declaration, the silence between us lasting a few measured moments.
"I don't care why you're here, you can go." I wasn't sure if I would regret my words but they felt good at the time. Cathartic.
"Bella-" Jasper was the one to respond a moment later, calm and level-headed as ever. "We don't know what Edward said to you, and you have every right to be upset with us." He says. "But we're going to be at our house for a few days if you'd be willing to hear us out. Sorry to bombard you. Come, Alice."
I watched as they smiled softly before leaving, Carlisle's car was gone in the blink of an eye. I'm still standing in the doorway sometime later, watching where they disappeared to, cursing myself for considering their offer. I can't have both the wolves and vampires in my life, and I owe everything to the ones who have stayed by my side.
Shaking my head I close and lock the door, discarding my sweatshirt as I climb the stairs before I drop it in the washing machine. Jake would be curious about the smell if I don't get it out.
They left you, they don't deserve the chance to explain. . . No matter how curious I am. I gather the laundry from Charlie's room to add to the load, muddling the scents together.
I slam the lid of the washing machine closed, the sound explosive in the quietness surrounding me.
Long after Charlie came home I'm sitting up in my room on my desk chair, my knees brought up to my chest where my face rests against them.
There would have been a time I didn't hesitate, all the nights I stayed up longing for my best friend. A time when I wanted nothing more than to see the Cullens again. . . but I don't think I'm there anymore. I put myself back together with the scraps they left behind, Jacob my glue, and my sun.
Fuck!
I can't think of anything else. . . I didn't want to give them the satisfaction but I realize it must be important for them to finally come back after four years.
It didn't sound like a purely social visit. And obviously, it must be big if they didn't come back the many times Victoria or Laurent were here.
What could have them showing up at my door like this? Were they just 'in the area,' or was this planned?
Now I'm just being stupid, nothing is a coincidence with Alice.
When did I become so cynical?
I don't want my mind to go back to them, to remember what I've tried so hard to suppress. Even after all this time I still smell the smoke lingering. Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun, too high in the sky to come back in one piece.
Will I wake up tomorrow with Edward on my doorstep? Would I even want that?
I know I love Jake. I love him with every part of me still here. . . only there isn't much that is left here.
He deserves better, I know this, and I hope and dread the day he finds his imprint. . . Though the worst part of my love for Jacob is that no matter how much I give him, it's never enough. It's never what he deserves. I can't commit yet I can't walk away.
I can't help but think the road not taken, the road I refused to acknowledge in anything but my wildest dreams, looks real good now.
I look at the girl I once considered closer than a sister, and the older brother I always wanted. There was so much I wanted to say. So many questions I wanted to ask but I couldn't make the words form on my lips. I let my leg drop, pushing off the floor slightly as I go back and forth in the chair.
The next morning, after maybe an hour of sleep, I wake up alone, Charlie's cruiser long gone. There wasn't much sleep, not that there ever is these days.
There are texts on my phone from Jake and his sisters and I know that means I can't hide here all day.
I reluctantly shower and dress before driving back to La Push.
The heat from the open door is so inviting as I let myself in. Jake lights up when he sees me, pulling me into his arms. "Feeling better?"
I shrug. "I'm fine." Another lie because I can't tell him about the Cullens. Not yet, maybe not ever.
I follow him in further but stop short when I see Paul. I look at Jake in confusion and see he is still pissed.
"Hey Bella," Paul greets, leaning back on the sofa with his feet on the coffee table. There's a giant plate of food on his lap and an open bag of chips to his side.
"Hi, Paul." I greet back wearily.
Jake sighs loudly, clearly unhappy, before dragging me back out the front door into the snow.
"What are you doing?" I start rewinding my scarf that I had just taken off.
We walk to the back of my truck where he puts the tailgate down before lifting me to sit on it. He sits next to me, his warmth keeping me from freezing to death.
"Paul came by. He imprinted last night, after you left. . ."
". . . And?"
"On Rachel." He finished.
"Oh shit."
"My sentiments exactly. Well after I broke his nose." His lips twitch into a smile.
I know Rachel must not have been very happy with Jake's response, though I can't say much because I myself have punched Paul a time or two. "So Rachel knows now?"
"Yeah. Rebecca fell asleep early from the mix of jet lag and pregnancy, and so we told Rachel everything."
"How'd she take it?"
"Better than you did." He laughs, nudging me.
"You all ambushed me in the woods when I was like minutes from dying. Excuse me for thinking these big ass monsters would come after me next. I mean I know I have to taste better than a vampire."
He laughs loudly. "I assure you, you do taste better."
"Don't be gross." I elbow him.
The front door opens behind us. "Jake bring her in before she freezes," Billy yells out.
"How did Billy take it?" I ask as Jake helps me down.
"Mixed feelings. He's not a big fan of Paul but Rachel is going to move back now."
"What about Rebecca? Is she still staying in Hawaii?"
"For now, but Dad hopes he can convince her."
Inside I help Rachel with the food. She's happy, much happier than I have ever seen her. She smiles brightly at me and I do my best to return it, but don't think I succeed. "They told me you know about, uh, everything?" She asks as she stirs the pot on the stove.
I try not to appear uncomfortable. My back is to her as I toss the salad. "Um, yeah."
"How did you find out?"
How much can I tell her? "I heard the legends and put two and two together." That's vague enough, right?
"Tell me more, you're the only person I can talk about this with, girl to girl."
"There are other imprints, you know?" I joke but deep down I don't feel like talking, I don't feel like doing anything.
"Yeah but I don't know any of them like I know you. You're like my other sister, so tell me, please?" We'd grown closer these past few years, Jacob's sisters and I. It had been my job, on the few times Rachel and Rebecca had returned home, to distract them from any Wolf Pack business that Jake and (more often than not) Billy were dragged into.
"Jake and I were close friends and we both got sick one night. I had the stomach flu and I thought Jake did, too. I got better after 24 hours so I wanted to come and see how he was doing. I called and your Dad said not to come over. That went on for over a month, Jake just stopped talking to me."
"Why would he stop talking to you?"
"You know Sam? The pack leader?" She nods at my questions. "We thought he was in a gang at first. Unbeknownst to me, he told Jake that he couldn't tell me anything. As alpha, Jake had to listen to him. I finally got pissed at him ghosting me and came to find him to give him a piece of my mind but Jake wouldn't tell me why he was acting that way. He was with Sam. I got the message and left. He came over that night and told me that I already know, I just need to remember. . . And I figured it out, I guess." Minus the part about Laurent almost killing me.
"I can't believe it. I've lived here since I was born and never knew." She sounds genuinely amazed and looking in from a mortal perspective, I can't blame her.
"It hasn't been for long- well I mean it happened after you already left."
"That figures. The one time this place gets interesting I'm not here." She pauses, stirring the pot on the stove before turning to me again. "Did Jacob imprint on you?"
"Um, n-no he didn't imprint on me." I force a hopefully nonchalant laugh before changing the subject off me. "So did you know Paul before?"
"I met him in passing, I think. Our High School years overlapped a little but we ran in different crowds. Thought he was cute but I wanted to get out of here, take a chance on life away before I tied myself to someone. My Mother was the same."
"Well I'm glad you're here, I know your Dad and Brother are as well." I say then after a pause I add "Paul, too."
Eventually she clicks the stove off. "Lunch is ready," she calls out and like a beacon the boys are there.
I helped her bring the food to the table, the couch turned around to make more seats.
"What's this?" I notice the ring on the table, one I've never seen before.
Jake takes it from me, out of sight out of mind in his pocket. "Oh that, um, I think my Dad took it out for Rebecca. It was my Mom's."
"It's pretty." I don't know what else to say, thankful it's not for me and glad his mother's daughters will have it. Something that pretty should be appreciated.
He leans down to kiss my lips. "Not as beautiful as you are." I return his smile and I let myself be pulled into the here and now, all thoughts of vampires and the world outside can wait.
A/N: Here's the first chapter, please tell me what you think! I have a few chapters done and the story mapped out already so I am hoping the next chapter will be up at the end of the day or tomorrow.