I have had this fic in the works since Willow, believe it or not. but I had to write Upstead having their first kid before I could focus on their second. while Willow was mostly fluff, this one is definitely angsty. although if you know me, you know that all my fics have to end with a HEA. cameos of other One Chicago couples also appear, and of course my original characters that were introduced in Willow!

if you haven't read 'Willow' yet, I would highly advise you do so. it's obviously not required, although you might gain some better context.

*IMPORTANT* this fic is considerably more "mature" than 'Willow' ever was. please be advised of the trigger warnings placed in the beginning notes of each chapter they correspond to

otherwise, I present to you 'Begin Again', which starts 2 years post the ending of 'Willow'...

APRIL, present day

If someone told Hailey a couple years ago that she would be out drinking on a Monday night, Hailey would've told them they were crazy. Sure she liked her bar nights like any other middle-aged mom in Chicago. Except Monday was typically a work night and she had beers and whiskey at home if she wanted a drink. Yet here she was in the middle of March, knocking back her fourth beer of the evening. Jay wouldn't be too pleased when she got home slightly drunk but even he had told her that she needed to get out of the house for a while. So Hailey went to the bar and dragged two of her three close friends with her.

Kim was still nursing beer number one for no reason other than the fact that she had to drive tonight. Sylvie was pregnant with baby number two, so drinking was off the table all together which is why she was absent from tonight's spontaneous party. And Stella was half on shift, so getting drunk wasn't an option but having a couple beers certainly was. The other two were trying to keep their friend from getting shitfaced although they weren't having too much luck. Only an hour had gone by yet Hailey was acting as though they'd been at it for hours.

When Hailey moved to wave down someone for another beer, Kim reached out a hand to stop her. "I think that's enough," the fellow detective said kindly. "Don't you have to work tomorrow?"

"No. Willow's daycare is closed because of that lice outbreak. Thankfully she escaped unscathed but it means Jay and I are stuck tag-teaming work until we can get someone else to look after her," replied Hailey. She was still somewhat able to speak full sentences, which Kim took as a promising sign.

"Well still, it's not a good plan to be hungover and looking after a three year-old." Kim glanced at her phone. "I should be heading back soon, so if you want a ride we'd better think about leaving."

"Sure, yeah, alright." Hailey didn't know how to respond. She tipped back the rest of her bottle and tried to stand. After wobbling for a moment, she sat back down. "Give me five minutes to rest my head and then we can go." She slumped onto the table with her head in her arms.

Over Hailey's head, Stella and Kim exchanged a worried glance. They didn't say anything out loud, but boy did they want to. They were concerned for their friend, and wanted to help her so badly. But how can you help someone who had been through so much in the past couple years? Hailey had been there for Kim whenever she needed it most, yet when Kim attempted to reciprocate, there was no way she could do anything to make it better.

A moment later, Hailey raised her head. There were hot, angry tears in her eyes as she glanced at both her friends. They hadn't spilled over yet, but with every breath Hailey's chin wobbled and they threatened to. The anger wasn't for them, however, it was for the absolute trauma her family had dealt with, "I've miscarried four times in the last two years. Four. Do you know how hard that is? Especially after the ease we had conceiving Willow, it's a punch in the gut. I can't go home to Jay and my daughter anymore because all he sees is someone he needs to comfort and Willow asks me daily for a little brother or sister. I've always said that I wanted to give my baby the world, and the childhood I was robbed of. Well I'm sorry, sweetheart, but that just might be one thing I can't give you." The last part was said with a harsh tone in her voice, before her face crumpled. Hailey's whole body convulsed as she broke down crying in the middle of the bar. Luckily not many people were around them or paying attention, although Hermann did glance in their direction. Stella sent a thumbs up back, telling him that they were taking care of it.

Both Stella and Kim didn't say anything again. It wasn't what friends should do, but again, they were lost and just as upset for Hailey. They knew what a hard couple years Jay and Hailey had had, with constant doctor's appointments and tests and all the things in order to see why they were struggling to have another baby. The results hadn't been very conclusive, and Hailey was clearly hurting. Kim had had only one miscarriage, and that made her not want to think about having kids for a long time afterwards. She couldn't imagine what Hailey felt after four. The thought of it just made Kim sick to her stomach.

So Hailey's two friends did what they knew they needed to do. Each taking one side of Hailey, they engulfed her in a big hug, their arms wrapping tight. "We're here for you," Kim said.

"No matter what," Stella echoed. It was the truth. Them, and Sylvie too. Their husbands, the kids, they were all there for Hailey, Jay and Willow. No matter what. The girls just prayed that Hailey knew it too. Which is why they held Hailey for as long as she needed them too. Until the drunken tears subsided, and Stella helped Kim get Hailey to the car. Luckily, Hailey hadn't driven tonight.

Kim called Jay on her way home. She told him what had happened in the bar, and informed him that Hailey was currently asleep in the front seat. Jay sighed but he wasn't mad. He was just upset at the cards life had dealt them recently and his heart broke for his wife. Kim offered to stay in the house for a minute to keep an eye on a sleeping Willow, when Jay went out to the car to carry Hailey inside. He was very grateful for Kim always, but especially right now.

Jay lay Hailey down on the couch, and covered her with a blanket so that he could walk Kim to the door. "I'll tell Voight you won't be in tomorrow," Kim began.

Jay nodded. "Thanks. Can you also ask Sylvie if she can look after Willow? I think Hailey and I need some time, alone."

"You bet. Listen Jay, I know we don't say it often, but I love you guys. And I'm here if you need anything, anytime. I want you and Hailey to both know that, inside and out." Kim fidgeted on the steps, shifting from foot to foot.

"I'm grateful for that Kim, I really am." Jay quickly pulled Kim into a hug and then watched as she got into her car and drove off. Then he took a deep, shuddering breath and walked back inside to his wife.

He was about to lift her into his arms again, when she shifted. "Ugh, stop that," she muttered, blue eyes opening to meet Jay's green ones. "Oh, it's you."

"Hey Hails," Jay smiled sadly at his wife. He loved her so much and he just wanted to know what was going on inside her head. Normally they were good at talking. They talked a lot. Except recently, Hailey had been trying to distance herself farther and farther from Jay and it was hurting him. He knew she was hurting so he tried to let her have some space. But clearly that wasn't working anymore.

"I want you…" Hailey started to say.

"Hmm?" Jay wasn't completely listening. He was trying to gather his thoughts enough to compose himself and take Hailey to bed, in a non-sexual way. Although the familiar sound of his belt buckle jangling made him freeze. "Hailey, what are you doing?"

Hailey stared up at him, licking her lips. Her fingers were still poised at his crotch, waiting for access. In any other situation, Jay would be all over Hailey by now, his body responding to her seductiveness. However, now was not the time because not only was Hailey still drunk, she also had just had a breakdown in the middle of Molly's. "I'm trying to get you naked," she responded lightly.

"No, Hailey, stop." His hands covered hers gently. He opened his mouth to tell her why, to tell her that he loved her but he wasn't going to let her try to get him off while she wasn't even in the right mindset.

"I want you to have sex with me. Why won't you have sex with me anymore?" Hailey looked back up at Jay, her hands paused from her battle with his belt buckle. "Is it because I'm a failure? Because I can't give you another baby? I know I'm broken and you don't want me."

Jay's heart instantly broke into a million little pieces. It was almost as if Hailey had taken a sledgehammer to the organ and was beating it to a pulp. He wanted to break down too, not because of Hailey but because of the utter pain she felt that he wanted to erase. If he knew having a second kid was going to be this traumatic for them a few years ago when he suggested it, he never would've said anything. Nothing mattered more to him than the happiness and well-being of his wife and daughter. Trying to add more people to his family was hurting all of them, which Jay did not want. He wanted his wife to be happy and complete with the family he loved. Instead she was wearing herself down over something he didn't necessarily want anymore.

Tears streamed down Jay's face as he took Hailey's head in his hands, gently forcing her to look at him. "You're not broken, Hailey. Not in any way. I love you and we'll be okay. You're not a failure; you never could be."

"Yes I am. You don't want me. You'll never want me again." Hailey wrenched her face from his grasp and slid off the couch onto the floor. Jay wanted to hold her, to hug away the hurt like he so often did. But Hailey clearly didn't want him to touch her and he wasn't ever going to force her to do anything.

They both were crying, Hailey sobbing and Jay with tears still rolling silently down his cheeks. How had their life come to this? Just over two years ago, they were celebrating Willow's first birthday, laughing with their friends and then sneaking off to have baby-number-two sex because why not? It wasn't fair, their life, it wasn't fair at all. Two people who loved their daughter and each other so much, had been dealt such awful life cards. They didn't need another baby to be happy, but they didn't need to deal with so much sadness either.

After a while, it was clear that Hailey had fallen asleep from crying so much. Jay washed his face, then used a washcloth to softly clean Hailey's. Her cheeks were rosy and Jay thought she looked peaceful, being asleep. He hoped that her dreams weren't as haunted as her wakefulness. Then Jay moved Hailey to their bed and placed a blanket overtop. He roused her long enough to get her to swallow some pills and gulp half a glass of water, hoping it would ease the hangover in the morning. Then Jay called Voight personally to let them know he would be taking a sick day tomorrow, before checking in with Sylvie and asking if she wouldn't mind keeping an eye on Willow for a few hours. He trusted Kim to do it, but he felt more in control when he asked. Hailey and Jay needed a day to themselves where they could say the hard things and let their emotions loose.

Before joining Hailey in bed, Jay peeked in on his little girl. She was sound asleep, clutching the moose that she had had since she was born. He smiled, blew a kiss into her room, and then shut the door. Then he went back to Hailey and stripped to his boxers, before climbing into bed next to his wife and wrapping his arms around her. Silence hung heavy in the air for a moment as he listened to her steady breathing. Unable to help himself, Jay pressed his lips to Hailey's ear and whispered something that he hoped would enter her subconscious mind. He needed her to know it because it would always ring true, no matter what. "We'll get through this together as we always have. Rain or shine, clear skies or cloudy, we're going to go to bed and then wake up, ready to begin again." A deep breath, before his eyes began to close as he drifted off. "I love you."

so apologies for the angst of the first chapter. wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesn't. anyways, please feed me your opinions on this! I can't wait to share more with you!

also fyi, this fic will not be updated as often as 'Willow' was. I'm thinking maybe 1-3 chapters per month? my university schedule picks up next week, so I'll be pretty busy with that. keep an eye on my tumblr for updates!

find me on tumblr at thedefinitionofendgame! thanks for reading!