Chapter 1 – Komm Susser Tod

A storm. That was what she likened Human Instrumentality to. It was a hurricane of souls and she was at the center, feeling the pull and the voices of a joined humanity. It was fitting that she was at the eye of the storm, she was the one who had set it in motion after all. She had rejected the plans of the commander and given control over the fate of humanity to his son, the only person who had ever seen her as more than an emotionless drone. She was thankful that he had been there for her in her life or lives. She had died before, that she knew. One of those times had been to protect him. Was she the third? That didn't matter, she was here, in this timeless void, with him. Now... that was all that mattered. They were joined together: the arbiter and the controller of Human Instrumentality. She stared at him, in awe of his spirit and his form. He had persevered through so much... She had rejected his father's hand for his and she desired to give him happiness. They both wished to run from their pain and retreat into a better place after all. Now was their chance.

"Ayanami, where are we?" he asked.

She felt his confusion and grasped at him as best she could. Now all was one. How could she grasp at him anyway? She looked down at him and how thought of how they shared one body. Were they one now? The thought certainly was... pleasant. "We're in the sea of LCL," she replied. "This is the primordial soup of life..."

He showed no reaction to this revelation, he only stared up at her with those piercing cobalt eyes of his looking at her as if looking through her. It's like he's looking into my soul as some would say. In a way, in this place, I guess in this place he is... she thought. She continued speaking, gently just above a whisper. "A world without A.T. Fields... where your former self has been lost," she spoke...

She continued, her voice softening. Even now she could feel his conflict. After all... all was one. "An ambiguous world where it's impossible to tell where you end and others begin. A fragile world where you exist everywhere and yet..." she paused for a moment, the gravity of her words weighing heavy, "Exist nowhere."

She watched as the placid look is his eyes changed. It was an expression somewhere between confusion and uncertainty. She wondered if he was distressed. She did not wish for him to be distressed. That was the last thing she wanted, after all, she had done all of this for him. She had to ease his mind but before she had a chance to speak he beat her to it. "Then... did I die?" he asked.

She gazed down at him, reading the lines in his face. Why would he think that? Why is he still... unhappy? she thought, a pinch of worry growing inside her. Indeed, what would make him think that. If they were dead how could she have brought him to this paradise without pain where they could finally be alone? Wasn't this what he had wanted? Was this really what he wanted? "No," she spoke softly, her mellow voice wavering slightly. "Everything has united and become one. This is the world you desired." Isn't this what you desired, Ikari-kun?

"The world I desired?" he repeated, staring blankly at her.

She didn't know what to make of his reaction. She could only continue speaking. Still, a creeping doubt was making it's way into her mind. "That's right," she continued. "Where there is no sadness... Where no one suffers... No wars, no conflicts, no rule, no resignation, no famine, no coldness... no pain..." She paused for a moment, closing her eyes. Yes... this had to be what he desired, what they had both desired... "There is nothing... a happy world..."

But was it a happy world?

Rei began to think on that as she looked down at the boy to which she had entrusted the fate of mankind, to which she had entrusted her fate. Was this place, the ocean of souls that was Human Instrumentality, was it a happy world? For perhaps the first time in her life she thought of what that word meant. What was happiness? What does happiness mean? Memories flooded before her as that question rang in her mind. Were these memories hers or did they belong to the others, her past incarnations? It didn't matter, she concluded, they were... real. There were scenes of when the first was running through the halls of the geofront exploring that were full of wonder but most were of the second in the time after the Third Angel attacked. She found herself recalling the moments she'd shared with the boy that accompanied her now in the limbo of Instrumentality. There were a few that stood out but there was one that stood above the others. For some reason she found herself ruminating on that time her second incarnation had held his hand in the garden in the grounds outside the NERV pyramid...

She remembered what she'd said to him that day about how the first he'd touched her she'd felt nothing and how the second time she'd felt queasy. But the third time she'd felt warm... That warmth was absent in this world they now inhabited. Here there was nothing. It was void of any feeling of cold or warmth. There was simply nothingness... But still, he was here with her. Could that be enough? Was that enough for him?

"You're wrong, Ayanami" he said.

His words shook her from her inner thought and made her heart jump to her throat. She felt anxiety and anticipation as she waited for his next words.

"This is very different from what I desired," he said.

She felt her lips part as those words stung her. Was everything she'd done, giving him control over the fate of all life on Earth, was it for naught? Even now, will he push me away? she asked herself. The prospect of that... It hurt. It hurt more than she could articulate in words.

He reached up and clasped her arms, pushing her out of his body but at the same time grasping her firm. She felt the warmth of his palms radiating through her. She knew the gravity of what he was saying but still it did not throw her into complete despair. Even as the words he spoke saddened her she felt a twinge of joy that he was holding on to her. Is this was what people mean when they describe something as bittersweet? she thought. She waited for him to continue speaking.

"Because in this place nothing really exists," he said, his words becoming full of resolution and strength as he spoke. "In this world there is no happiness. It's true that there are no bad things but... there are no good things either. It's exactly the same as being dead."

Rei fell deep into thought as she took in that statement. She began to reflect on the paths that had led her to this moment. Was this the same as being dead? Every time she had died in the past she'd almost immediately awoken in another body grown in that awful lab just above Terminal Dogma, where they kept her so called spare parts... She realized that despite having died twice before she didn't really know death, so was this coma of souls it? She could also feel something, errant thoughts, perhaps Ikari-kun's thoughts? It would make sense considering in Instrumentality everything and everyone was one. Still, there were emotions and memories that were her own that she found herself reflecting on. She remembered the horrors that she had been subjected to by the Angels, the Akagis and the commander. She remembered the teasing of the Major and the stinging words of the Second Child accusing her of being a soulless automaton. All of those things had hurt but they were real... Then she remembered the time the commander had pulled her from the plug during the activation test accident with Unit 00 and how Ikari-kun had done the same for her after she'd protected him against the Fifth Angel. She remembered Ikari-kun helping her cook and tidy things at her apartment. She remembered when he tended to her when she'd burned her hand. She remembered holding his hand in the garden and the warmth that had brought to her. That was real too, she decided. In this place they were in that warmth did not exist...

Rei might never have been the most social person but she knew the difference between fantasy and reality. She had read enough books to know of such things. She also had observed enough people to know the value of the real. She had used those books to escape into other worlds many times. Often she'd fantasized of what possibilities she could have had if only she were someone different during the tedious lessons at school while she stared out the window. That was Instrumentality. Fantasy. The ultimate escapism.

Could she be happy in this world? Could he? Could anyone? If they were to stay wouldn't they just be children playing pretend? Rei knew what lay in wait for her if he were to reject Instrumentality and yet... she also understood his decision. In fact, a part of her wished that she could be in his position, to be able to make that choice and live on.

He's right. There is no happiness here, it's a lie... Even if this place is comforting it's a false happiness because nothing here is real. Perhaps... perhaps it's our struggles that give life its meaning. Perhaps there is no happiness without despair... As soon as those words passed through her consciousness she knew... This world, the fate of humanity she had wrought from her own despair and longing in order to soothe his madness, was a mistake...

With a steady voice she spoke to him again. "If you wish for the existence of others once more the barriers of the heart will make all of humanity separate again," she stated, her voice growing softer as she continued on. "Do you think it's good to enclose yourself in the A.T. Field once more? Your fear of people will continue anew..." Rei felt a growing sadness knowing what his answer to her question would be but she tried her best not to show it.

His mouth fell open slightly as he gazed at her as those words registered. She watched as his expression settled into one of resolve and he sat up, gently separating from her. "It's fine," he said."My father once told me that it's impossible for people to ever completely understand each other but..."

She hung on his every word. She anxiously awaited what he was going to say. Deep down she already knew the gist of what it would be but still she needed to hear it. She realized that she didn't know the name of whatever it was she was feeling or even if it had a name. She felt admiration for his courage but with a bit of sadness. He was going to leave her...

"Still I... I have to know, Ayanami," he said. "I have to do it, with this body. I must know. Even if in the end I understand that suffering is not worth it after all. But... Whenever I was alone I would ask myself... Had a relationship formed between between you and I?"

She found those words deeply touching. Indeed a relationship had formed between them. She had learned so much because of him. Because of him she knew the value of friendship and human connection. "Ikari-kun..." she spoke, but further words failed her. There were so many things, thoughts and feeling that she wanted to convey to him before the end but she didn't know how to say those things. She found that notion saddening.

"I have to find out some things," he continued. He looked at his hand, deep in thought. "Like for what purpose do I have these hands or what is the reason for my existence?"

Rei understood his logic. In her lonely life she had asked herself those things many times. What had been the purpose for her to exist? Why was she created? Even though she knew she had been a prisoner of her fate she had found reasons to live as small as they might have been. In the end she had even found a reason to fulfill her destiny and give up her individuality to begin the Third Impact. I understand... after all... you're human... She knew what his choice would mean: when Instrumentality ended she would die. It wasn't something to worry about, she rationalized as she stood up, perhaps to steady herself. She had died twice before...

"If we continue to be joined together like we are now we won't be able to feel anything. No happiness. No joy... Let's go back to the former world," he said.

There it was, his choice, and her heart lurched in her chest. It was done. She knew she wouldn't be going back with him despite a part of her wanting to. She didn't know what the name of the emotion she felt but she likened it to fear. Was it anxiety? Panic? All she knew was that she would in all likelihood never see him again, the only friend she'd ever had. "stay..." she thought. "I cannot go back with you. At least stay here a little longer..." Rei wanted him to be absolutely sure of his choice. Perhaps that was why she spoke up? "Other people's hands, their voices are going to hurt you again," she stated, her delicate voice nearly breaking as she did so.

Slowly he lifted himself up to meet her gaze. "That's okay," he returned. "Just like you said, people's hands could hurt me... My hands could hurt others... Hands that connect us could be separated some day... But Ayanami... Even then, I still want to hold your hand one more time." With those words he extended his hand to her.

Her brow furrowed and her lips parted as she searched for a reply. This was it then. She knew it would all be over soon. Even so, that thought warmed her heart. She reached out at gently placed her hand in his.

The rush of memories was intense. All of the moments that she had shared with him came flooding back to her. It was so vivid. The memories that the second had formed with him flashed before her eyes. From him pulling her from the plug after the Fifth Angel to them having tea together, from him running water over her burned hand to her asking to hold his hand, and ultimately to her sacrifice against the Twelfth Angel... it all played back within her mind. She stood there, her hand is his, thinking about what it meant. She remembered what she'd thought to herself when he had been lost within Unit 01 about how she had been made of straw... She realized now that she wanted to go back, she didn't want to leave him... but she was going to die. She didn't want to die. For the first time in all her lives, she didn't want to die... but here she was, about to face the true meaning of death's finality. So many emotions that she'd never felt before coursed through her soul. It threatened to overwhelm her.

She realized that she had found something to live for. It was ironic, she concluded. Only at the end did she realize how much the time she'd spent with him, the major, Soryu, even Dr. Akagi and the commander, how much it all had meant to her. Only now did she realize how much she had learned from him and how much she... she didn't have words for what she wanted to express. Still, she had to try. She needed to tell him something. She needed to express in some way what she was feeling before the end.

"Thank you..." she said as lump formed in her throat. "From here on out we will be apart."

His eyes widened. He doesn't know that this meant my demise... That look of quiet shock or confusion on Ikari-kun's face... It made her heart lurch. She spoke again, her voice about to break. She was sad that she had to leave but she was so... happy that she'd had a chance to know him. Perhaps that was what a bittersweet feeling was... "Ikari-kun... I am... glad to have met you," she said. "I was nothing, empty... but now I am filled with all the things you taught me... and I'm really happy..."

His brow furrowed and she knew that the realization of what was going to happen to her had set in. She felt tears in her eyes. She didn't want to let him think she felt despair. No, she wanted to leave him expressing the joy that he had let her feel. She fought the tears back and met his gaze, speaking to him one final time. "Even so... we are going to be apart," she stated, allowing a smile to spread across her face. She wasn't smiling for him. She was smiling because it felt right. It was right. She thought back to the first time she'd smiled for him and she felt compelled to speak again. "What kind of face should I make right now?" she asked, hoping he would remember that moment as well, the first time he had held her hand. "Is this alright?"

He stared at her, his eyes filling with sadness. He must have realized exactly what was going to happen. "Ayanami..." he whispered.

She couldn't bear it any longer. She wanted to leave him with that smile... and so she let go of his hand. She vaguely registered him screaming her name as everything became enveloped in a blinding white light. "Farewell Ikari-kun..." she spoke even though she knew he wouldn't hear her. She felt like she was being stretched over space and time infinitely. "Your wishes are now with me..." she whispered. Through it all she remained smiling. She could feel her physical body, the body of Lilith, disintegrating. Ikari kun... I am falling into many pieces, raining down onto everything... Waiting for you to come home... I will carry your wishes...

Then, suddenly, all was black.

She felt a sense like she was falling, descending, into some sort of endless abyssal plain. As she descended further into that dark and eternal silence her memories came swirling by once more. Memories of the first and the second filled her minds eye once again. Perhaps this was what people said when they described one's life flashing before their eyes before death. Even though this wasn't the first time she'd faced down the end this time it would be permanent. There were no more vessels in the depths of Terminal Dogma for her to awaken within. Wasn't this something she had wanted anyway? Well, she didn't want it anymore, but she had accepted it... So why did she feel a sense of regret?

She remembered the feeling of Naoko Akagi's hands around her throat. She remembered the abject terror before everything had faded to pitch black silence. Then there was the moment where she had self destructed her Eva to save Ikari-kun. She had felt loss then but also a sense of peace before the blinding light gave way to darkness. Now that sense of loss was compounded by something else...

As the memories of all her selves danced through her mind, she hit upon something, a realization. All those memories had been lost to her between her lives. The first and her memories of scampering around NERV when it was still GEHIRN as a relatively happy child had been locked away, somewhere. When she had died the second time she had felt a sense of continuance but the memories had not been there for her. They were more like... feelings... imprints, rather than her own memories and desires. In many ways until the realization of Human Instrumentality she had regarded them as compulsions that might not have been her own. Now she was whole. The lives she had lived she played them back and relived all the moments with Commander Ikari, Dr. Akagi, Major Katsuragi, Soryu, and Ikari-kun. She found that despite all of the boredom, tedium, monotony, toil, and pain that existed in many of those moments, there were some that were good and warmed her heart. This lead her to a thought that she had never paid any mind to before but now utterly terrified her...

She would lose those memories again. Everything that she had ever been would be lost in time to that eternal silence from whence none return. Where as before she longed for death as a means to prove she'd lived at all, now she realized she did not want to die. No... she now knew what it meant to be afraid of death. Now that she knew what personal identity was she did not want to lose that. "I am I," she whispered to steady herself as she felt her essence beginning to stretch again, as if her very essence was being torn apart. Maybe she could fight against the inevitable and wake up... somewhere. She did not want to lose her sense of self. She did not want to return to nothing, not anymore. "I am Rei Ayanami... and I do not wish to disappear..."

She found herself becoming agitated and she tried to pull her consciousness inward to retain her sense of self. There were so many unanswered questions she had about herself and about living. At the very least she needed to know that Ikari-kun was going to be alright. She summoned all of her focus to keep from drowning in the void. Lilith's power, Adam's power, her own will, she didn't know what it was that she called to. She focused all of her energy, her will, and her essence toward a singular goal... She wanted to know, no... she needed to know that this whole mess hadn't been a mistake.

A vortex in the darkness spun before her and opened up a window. Through it she saw a red colored sea and red streak across the sky. Her own gigantic visage stared lifelessly back at her with a sickening grin. The mass production Eva series was petrified to stone in poses as if they had been crucified. Closer to her was a white beach with debris strewn about. It was a horrid sight but the most horrible thing was the two people that were there. Her heart sank and she felt her eyes beginning to twitch as she watched them. There was Ikari-kun and a very wounded Soryu, the former attempting to strangle the latter to death.

"No..." she whispered aloud. "I did not want this..." Her eyes stung. The world had been destroyed and Ikari-kun was still filled with rage and despair. Instrumentality had been for nothing and it was all her fault. That realization felt like a knife plunging into her chest. The window into the world closed and she was left once more in the darkness with that image in her mind and those thoughts gnawing at her. In the end, everything was her fault and there was nothing she could do to change it. It was a feeling that she was not used to and in the face of all that had happened it threatened to overwhelm her. There was so much emotion that she didn't understand and she had no outlet for it She felt like she would explode. "Why?" she whispered to the darkness as her vision became blurry, her eyes stinging more and more. She was dying and the legacy she would leave was a broken world and an empty life...

"How sad," a voice echoed in the darkness.

Rei turned around, startled. This was new and terrifying. She had felt the call of the void before or at least her past selves had. In those memories she remembered the inky blackness and the sense of nothingness but there were never any voices. Perhaps she hadn't seen Ikari-kun on the beach and perhaps she was no longer dying and already dead. Perhaps this was one of the levels in that place called hell that so many people talked about. If so, she would do her best to meet whatever foul things awaited her in the darkness. "Who is there?" she murmured into the darkness in a tone that belied how hard she was fighting to retain composure.

A figure materialized before her. It was a woman in a lab coat with a brown mop of hair that was a little longer than her own. She stood with crossed arms and had her head tilted ever so slightly to the side. Her face had soft features but she wore a mischievous grin and her eyes twinkled with a barbed playfulness. She was a little taller than she was and so as she met Rei's gaze it gave the appearance that this woman was looking down her nose at her. Rei knew who this person was, after all she had been shaped in her image. "Isn't this something," Yui Ikari spoke, her words filled with biting observation. "Poor little puppet, she cut her own strings and now she cannot stand. How very sad indeed."

Rei was shaken by that statement. Those words hurt. Those words brought her pain. They reflected the purpose that she had been brought into existence for which she had ultimately tried to reject. She had rejected life as a tool! She was many things, inhuman, stoic, depressed, but she was not a puppet. For the person she had been shaped in the image of to say such a thing... she was beginning to think that perhaps that she was indeed in some form of hell. The sadness those words instilled transformed to anger. What right did she have to add insult to injury? Rei felt it to be decidedly unfair. Her face contorted in a grimace and she balled up her fists without realizing it. "I am not a puppet," she retorted flatly.

Dr. Ikari chuckled. "You could have fooled me," she replied. "After all, everything you've ever done was at the behest or thinking of the desires of someone else. It's that a lot like a puppet?"

Rei winced. She wanted to shrink away. Dr. Ikari wasn't entirely wrong, if it even was Yui Ikari. For all she knew, she was in some sort of purgatory state or this was all happening in her own head... That didn't matter though. Her words rang true. Even at the end, she had never done anything for herself. She felt tears running down her face. The feelings were too intense. She bowed her head and looked into the inky blackness of the void. She's right... "I am not a puppet..." she whimpered.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and she looked up. Dr. Ikari was smiling down at her. Rei watched Dr. Ikari's other hand come up and wipe a tear of her cheek. "I know," she said softly. "You're just a sad little girl who never figured out how to live."

Rei's eyes widened. Her heart fluttered in her chest. Once again, Dr. Ikari was right. She never had quite figured out what it meant to live. And now she would never get the chance. She scowled and looked away. It was all too much...

"It's okay," Dr. Ikari said, as if she'd read her mind. "There is still time to learn..."

"What do you mean?" Rei inquired. This had to be the afterlife if there even was an afterlife. How was it possible to learn how to live if one was no longer living?

"Because you have the power to learn, silly," Dr. Ikari replied. "So long as you have the will to exist."

Rei didn't understand what she meant but she needed to take stock of the situation. None of this made any sense. One moment she was sure that she was dying or dead and then Dr. Ikari was talking about how she could still learn to live? What did that mean, and for that matter what was Dr. Ikari even doing here? Was she even the real Dr. Ikari? She needed to know this was real and not some illusion conjured by her own psyche or from the collapse of Human Instrumentality. "Are you real?" she asked. "Are you truly Yui Ikari?"

Dr. Ikari laughed softly and floated backward in the inky blackness. "Perhaps once," she responded cryptically, a grin spreading across her face. "But now I'm something more. And I have you to thank."

Rei was even more confused. "What do you mean?" she asked.

Dr. Ikari laughed once again. "It's simple when you think about it," she replied. "When you fused yourself with Adam and Lilith you attained the power of a physical god. Then you fused with Evangelion Unit 01 with myself and my son within. When Shinji rejected Instrumentality you gave up that power so he could live in the real world. Unit 01 was made from Lilith's flesh and already held an Angel's core thanks to that time Unit 01 and by extension, I, devoured one... so... that power passed to me. Now I am able to transcend space and time and unlock the mysteries of the universe. That was my plan from the beginning, why I stayed inside the Eva."

Rei was curious. This made even less rational sense and still she had not answered her question. Also, what did she mean about transcending space and time? Rei found herself becoming impatient. That was quite a new feeling for her. Then again, the series of events since she'd met Ikari-kun had been a vast array of firsts. She looked the woman before her in the eye. "Are you the real Dr. Yui Ikari?" she asked once more.

Dr. Ikari frowned. "What would be proof enough?" she countered.

Rei looked down once more. When she thought about it, there was really nothing that the person before her could say to prove that she was real. "I don't know," she replied.

Dr. Ikari's smile returned. This time it wasn't playful but full of sincerity. "What does your heart tell you?" she asked.

Rei thought long on that. Despite the absurdity of the situation that she now found herself in she had a feeling that whatever was happening was real. "You are real," she stated. "You are Yui Ikari."

"And you are Rei Ayanami," Dr. Ikari replied.

Rei hung her head yet again. She had been doing that a lot since this conversation started. Why was that? "I am," she replied. She knew who she was and how she had come to be. Her identity was her own but... as she stood before the person she had been modeled after, she felt a sense of shame. She didn't deserve to know what living was, she never deserved to hold Ikari-kun's hand... She was an abomination of science. She frowned. Her heart sank in her chest at those thoughts. "I am a copy. I am... merely a false representation of you..."

She felt a sharp pain against her cheek. She looked up and saw Dr. Ikari looking down at her with a stern look and a hand up from where it had rebounded against her. "Look at me," Dr. Ikari hissed.

Rei stared back at her. Dr. Ikari who bore down on her with a hard look. She reached up and placed her hand on her cheek. The whole side of her face and even her left eye throbbed with pain. Her mind raced. For one, she did not expect that kind of reaction to her words. What had she said to upset her? Second, she now knew for certain that this place was real and not just another layer of Instrumentality or the afterlife. Pain did not exist in those places. Wherever she was, it was real. Perhaps this was limbo? "Yes?" she replied, just above a whisper.

Dr. Ikari's face softened and she placed her hands on her shoulders. "You are Rei Ayanami," she said. "You are not me, you are not fake. You are not Gendo's tool, you are not Lilith, you are you. So start acting like it."

Rei was dumbfounded, shocked. This was not what she had expected to hear. "What do you mean?" she asked.

Dr. Ikari laughed. "I'm saying you're just as much a person as anyone else, dummy. You are not a puppet, you said so yourself. You are you." she replied with a grin.

Rei looked away from her. Her stomach was tying itself in knots. She felt she didn't deserve this sort of kindness. She knew what she was and Dr. Ikari should know it too. How could she be so kind? "I am... artificial. I am... a perversion of science..." she whispered.

"No you are not," Dr. Ikari stated adamantly. "You are as real as anyone. It doesn't matter what you are or who you come from. To me and anyone else, you are Rei Ayanami, a depressed little girl who was denied happiness. And you're as worthy of love as anyone."

Rei felt her eyes stinging again. Her heart began to race. Never before had anyone, not even Ikari-kun, said something so kind to her. She couldn't describe the feeling. She felt so light and yet her stomach was tying itself in knots. Her throat felt tight. She didn't know what to say. How does one respond to their existence being validated like that? She barely registered the wetness on her cheeks. "Is it okay for me to exist?" she asked.

Dr. Ikari stepped forward and pulled her into an embrace. Her eyes went wide at the feeling of touch. When she thought of it, no one had ever held her like that before... "Everyone... everyone has the right to exist, Rei-chan," she said.

Rei couldn't hold it back anymore. It felt like a dam had burst inside her and a wave was crashing, breaking through her. There was joy and sadness all in one, she didn't know the words for it. All she knew was that it felt... good. She let go. She let go and wept. She shut her eyes and quietly wept. The tension in her chest and throat released and her breath came in ragged gasps and sniffles. It almost shocked her that she had the capacity.

Dr. Ikari patted her head and shushed her. Rei felt a wave of warmth run through her. Was this what a mother's love felt like? "There there," she said. "It's okay, no more tears. Though... I guess that's how we all are when we enter the world."

Rei's eyes shot open. Those words as cryptic and vague as they were, they were like a shock to the system. Did they mean that these moments in an desolate black and empty void were not her last? "What do you mean?" she asked.

Dr. Ikari stepped back lifted her hand outwards at her side. The darkness swirled and another window opened up letting in light. Rei turned and looked through this portal in the darkness which displayed a street. She realized from the surroundings that it was somewhere on the outskirts of Tokyo 3. She was looking at a phone booth where a boy stood holding the receiver to his ear before hanging it up and pulling something out of his pocket. Her eyes widened as she recognized him. "Ikari-kun..." she whispered. Hadn't she just seen him moments before in a desolate wasteland? The fact that there was no evidence of Third Impact sent her mind racing. How was this possible? He looked directly at her and she froze. Had he heard her? Could he see her?

"You care about him, don't you?" Dr. Ikari interrupted her thoughts and the portal closed. "You were close with my son, were you not?"

She once again thought of how he had held her hand in the garden. She still didn't know what exactly she felt for Ikari-kun but... she wanted to see him again. She wanted to hold his hand again. He made her feel warm... Rei simply nodded in reply.

"And you want to see him again?" Dr. Ikari inquired.

Rei nodded once more, this time the motion coming more easily and with greater confidence. Indeed she did want to see him again.

"Then start at the beginning. Or a beginning..." Dr. Ikari replied.

Rei was curious. What in the world did that mean? Once again she found herself becoming nervous. "What do you mean?" she questioned.

Dr. Ikari smiled softly. "It means, you can have a second chance, or fourth, whatever life it is for you..." she returned, her tone becoming a little playful. "You can go back if you want it. If you choose it."

Re's heart fluttered and she brought her hand to her chest. Once again, she thought of how his hand felt in hers... She didn't want to question how it would be possible. Her heart wanted it. "Yes," she replied. "I choose it." I want to feel Ikari-kun's warmth again...

Dr. Ikari's smile became a playful smirk and she stepped closer to her, putting her left hand on her right arm and her right hand on her head. This time her touch felt uncomfortable, like it was raking over a recent wound. Rei barely had time to register what was happening when Dr. Ikari spoke. "Then watch over my son for me as you have before," she said with warmth in her voice. When she continued though, her tone was rather blunt. "I do apologize though, Rei-chan, this is going to hurt..."

Rei, felt Dr. Ikari's thumb came down over her right eye and suddenly squeezed into her eye socket. The hand that held her right arm tightened as well. The pain was excruciating. Rei winced and shut her eyes until she could bear it no longer. She cried out into the darkness and suddenly...

Her eyes shot open.

She was laying in a hospital bed, staring up at the white ceiling above her. She registered the rhythmic beeping of medical machinery that was hooked up to her. She tried to sit up but there was immense pain in her left arm and her ribs that prevented her from doing so. Her mind raced. She knew this place, it was somewhere in the hospital wing of the geofront. She realized something was covering her right eye. Something about this whole situation felt so familiar... but what? Why was this so familiar. Even the injuries she felt in her body, they all felt so familiar... Then she realized that what was constricting her and obscuring half of her vision was bandages.

"Oh, you're awake," A voice called out.

Rei looked towards the sound of the voice and spotted a woman in standard issue NERV medical attire standing by the door to the room she was in. She locked eyes with her. Rei felt her heart skip a beat. This was strange. NERV headquarters had been destroyed. What was going on? Why was she back at NERV in a bed with these... familiar injuries? Yes... that had to be it. Dr. Ikari had mentioned going back to the beginning... But how was this possible?

The nurse looked concerned and walked over to her. "Are you alright Pilot Ayanami?" she asked.

"Where am I?" Rei replied. Her voice felt hoarse from lack of use. She needed to know if her suspicions were correct.

The nurse began checking her intravenous lines and the various monitors that were attached to her via various fastenings. "You're in the ICU," she said. "Do you remember the accident with Unit 00?"

Rei felt her jaw loosen and her lips part as those words processed in her mind. She did remember. But how was she back in this hospital bed? None of it made any sense! How was it possible that she was back in the land of the living?

Did it matter?

No, she eventually rationalized. It didn't matter. She was alive and this was real. Dr. Ikari said she would go back to the beginning or... a beginning. The accident with Unit 00 was when her life began to change and the Angel War really started to take shape so she could only assume that was why she had been brought back there. In a way that did qualify as the beginning she surmised. It certainly was preferable to awakening in the depths of Terminal Dogma as a small child... But what had Dr. Ikari meant when she mentioned that she would go back to a beginning? How could there be a beginning, meaning something abstract, when the beginning refers to something definite? She still didn't understand what those words meant but she pushed it out of her mind. That didn't matter either. She was simply... happy to be alive.

Another thought crossed her mind. If she was somehow alive after the accident with her Evangelion then Ikari-kun could be in Tokyo 3. I am back at the beginning like she said... I will get to see Ikari-kun again... "How long?" she asked, straining to speak.

"Two days," came the reply. "You've been here two days."

Two days. That meant that the next day Ikari-kun would arrive in the city. She remembered how it had happened before. She had been called out to pilot Unit 01 and delay the Third Angel until Ikari-kun could arrive and defeat it. He'd refused to pilot when he was confronted and so the commander had sent for her to pilot once more. Only upon seeing her injuries did he finally get in the cockpit. She felt a twitch of a grin forming on her lips. Perhaps he also remembered these things and things would be different this time. Even if they played out exactly the same she was grateful. She would get to see him once more.

"I see..." she muttered in a delayed response.

"Is there anything I can get for you?" the nurse asked.

"No," Rei replied flatly.

The nurse nodded to her and promptly left the room. It was then that Rei caught a glimpse of the bedside table. The commander's glasses lay there. It was just like before when this had happened only now those things didn't hold the same meaning they once had. She no longer wished for the praise and warmth of Commander Ikari. She made a mental note to dispose of them as soon as she was released.

She turned her head back toward the ceiling and shut her eyes. For some reason she felt fatigue and the urge to sleep washing over her. She assumed it was a combination of the mental stresses she had been placed under and the physical injuries she had awoken with. She still didn't know what any of her situation meant or how it was possible but she rationalized that none of that mattered. She was alive in Tokyo 3 before the arrival of the Angels. That was a fact. There was nothing that she could do until her wounds were healed and that wouldn't be until after the defeat of the Third Angel. She just had to place her trust in Ikari-kun to defeat it. She knew he would, he had done it before and he would do it again. Perhaps, she thought, perhaps things could be different this time. Perhaps things could turn out differently. Perhaps that was the whole reason why she had been given another chance at life.

With that thought, Rei surrendered to the world of dreams.

Author's Notes

Thank you for reading this far! In case you're wondering, as I've received many questions on this subject, this story begins at the very end of Sadamoto's manga adaptation. If you have not read the manga, I strongly suggest you do so as it is stellar and without knowledge thereof there might be some moments of confusion.

Regards,

A.F.