Chapter 1 – Broken
Plot: They are two halves of a whole, two stars inexorably pulled together by gravity, forever rotating one another, forever caught up in each other's orbit. They are Anakin and Obi-Wan. They are Darth Vader and Ben Kenobi. It doesn't matter. Names mean nothing. Not for them. They should be enemies. They are a Jedi Master and a Sith Lord. And yet... nothing can truly keep them apart.
Author's Note: First of all, this is a gift for uncorrectgrammar on ao3 for the SW Father-Son Appreciation exchange!
I didn't actually start this as a gift fic initially, but it fit, and it was all I could think about. Lol. It's a Vader redemption, Obi-Wan series fix-it, and time travel all wrapped up in one, and it is primarily a self-indulgent fic starring Vaderkin and Obi-Wan. If you want to see someone other than them... sorry, not really going to happen for a while. :):):)
There is sooooo much angst and angst and more angst and hurt/comfort and fluff. And there's a lot of platonic snuggling! :D
Finally, this fic is 21 chapters plus and epilogue. It's 71k, and I wrote it in 22 days. Updates will be every Thursday. ^-^
PS. It is now my personal opinion that Vaderkin and Obi-Wan are platonic soulmates. Lol.
WARNING: Depression (major depression), suicidal tendencies, slight (or more than slight) possessiveness.
~ Amina Gila
"I am not your failure, Obi-Wan." He doesn't know why he says it. He doesn't know – understand – the complex mix of feelings that spur him onwards, not anymore. "You didn't kill Anakin Skywalker." There's a strange need in him to make Obi-Wan understand. And more than that, there's the desperate yearning to push his old master to the breaking point. He wants to die. He craves it, and there's no one strong enough to best him other than Obi-Wan. If he must die, he thinks it would be nice if the last person at his side is Obi-Wan, even if Obi-Wan is the one who kills him.
He deserves no less anyways.
"I did," Vader continues, holding his old master's eyes. His respirator cycles weakly, his breath rasping as he tries to hide his struggle for oxygen. He can't breathe right anymore. "The same way I will destroy you!"
And it's true. That's his deepest desire laid out. If he turns Obi-Wan, if Obi-Wan Falls, they can destroy Sidious. Vader will lay the galaxy and Empire at his once master's feet and hope it will be enough to earn the tiniest bit of forgiveness, or – or even... affection. He needs it. He needs that more than he needs to breathe. He would die if it meant having Obi-Wan at his side one last time. He just – he needs him back.
There is one person he cannot live without, and that person is not Padme. It's Obi-Wan. It was always Obi-Wan, but he was – he was too blind to see it. Obi-Wan was the one constant in his life, and he never imagined a reality where that changed. It's his worst nightmare now, and he would gladly burn on Mustafar all over again if it would mean getting that back.
Some unfathomable emotion flashes across Obi-Wan's face. "Then my friend is truly dead," he says, as if it's that simple. He doesn't stop staring though, searching what he can see of Vader's face, through the break in his mask, for... something. He doesn't find it. "Goodbye... Darth."
Vader struggles for air, trying to breathe as panic and confusion mount within him when Obi-Wan turns and begins to walk away, leaving him there, suffocating and half-crippled. No. Nonono. This wasn't supposed to happen. Obi-Wan was supposed to – to snap, or at the very least, kill him. Not – not leave. Not again.
"Obi-Wan!" he calls desperately after the retreating form of his former master, stumbling a few steps forward, even though his legs aren't working right anymore. Obi-Wan sliced open his back, damaging one of the prosthetic vertebrae which were installed; it's a miracle he can even stand at all, at this point.
Nothing.
No response.
Obi-Wan continues to walk away as though Vader's frantic screams mean nothing to him. He stumbles forwards another step, falling to the ground as his legs stop supporting his weight properly. He catches himself, just barely, from slamming face first into the ground.
"Obi-Wan!" he screams, knowing that the raw anguish and panic are audible in Anakin's voice.
But Obi-Wan doesn't even look back, and Vader feels something within him shatter into tiny pieces, crumbling into dust.
If he was physically capable of crying, actually crying without struggling every breath to get enough oxygen, he'd be sobbing right now.
This wasn't supposed to happen. Obi-Wan was supposed to stay or join him or kill him or something. But not this. He wasn't supposed to abandon him again.
Is this it then? Did Obi-Wan really care so little for his once Padawan that he would leave Vader here instead of killing him? Was he able to let go and move on from Anakin so fast that he no longer cares about what happened to Anakin, that Vader destroyed him?
The answer is glaringly obvious. No, Obi-Wan didn't care. He never truly cared about or loved Anakin the way Anakin loved him. (The way Vader loves him even now, though he hates it.) For Anakin, Obi-Wan was always his father. And Obi-Wan... rejected that. He never truly cared; Vader can see that now. His once master must have thought it pathetic the way that Anakin always clung to him, desperate and needy and weak.
He never cared. Never.
Why does that truth hurt so much? Why is Vader still half laying on the ground, struggling to breathe and wishing that he could cry to relieve the terrible pressure that's building within him? He can hardly cry anymore though, so all these feelings will do is feed the Dark Side.
'Why wasn't I good enough for you, Master?' he thinks miserably, desperately, finally dragging himself across the rocky ground in the direction of his shuttle, driven forwards through sheer willpower. 'What did I ever do wrong?' Those aren't questions he can ever ask though. And even if he could, he would never be able to bring himself to say them.
He thought he was already broken, but he was wrong. This, this is what it means to feel broken: hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless with no end in sight to the existence that has been forced upon him. He doesn't want this anymore. He doesn't. But Vader is not one to give up. It's been drilled into him.
If Obi-Wan doesn't want him, then he'll go back to the only person who does.
And, in time, he'll find his former master again. He will.
**w**
Vader opens his eyes, and he's momentarily confused when he doesn't see the familiar walls of his meditation pod or bacta tank. It takes him an embarrassingly long time to realize that he is in his young body inside the hanger of a Star Destroyer, probably his own. He's in the past. Somehow. His last memories are fuzzy around the edges, but he vaguely remembers dragging himself onto his shuttle and heading towards Mustafar for immediate repairs.
And now, he's here.
He can see again. Properly. And for a moment, he takes the time to relish being able to see clearly and in colors other than red. He hates red with a passion now. Slowly, Vader inhales and exhales, taking the time to fully appreciate what it's like to be able to breathe on his own, unimpeded. He can hear the faint sounds of footsteps in the hanger, clones going on patrols, and quiet talking as they converse.
And – and he can feel. He can feel properly in his skin again, and he slowly runs his left hand over the underside of his starfighter, feeling almost giddy at the ability to feel in it. Touch is so underrated, and after having lived without it for so long, Vader will never be able to take it for granted again.
He pushes himself out from under the fighter, sitting up and glancing around furtively to ensure that no one is watching him. No one is. He's alone, thankfully. The Force is in turmoil around him, and Vader pulls it in close, shielding himself completely so that no Jedi aboard will be able to sense him. He isn't ready for that yet.
As he does so, however, he senses... him.
A wave of grief and pain and a fierce, desperate longing crash over him again, and he shakily pushes himself to his feet, tripping and stumbling at least a dozen times as he makes his escape from the hanger bay to a nearby storage closet where he can be alone. He probably looks like he's half-drunk or something, so it's a good thing that there's no one around to witness his shame. He can't even walk properly anymore on his human legs, and he hates that.
He sucks in a few strangled breaths once he's securely inside the closet, tripping forwards and catching himself on the wall. The durasteel is cold beneath his fingers, but it isn't really grounding for him. He can feel the engines of the Star Destroyer humming as it travels through hyperspace, but he can't be bothered enough to care.
He – he can't do this. It doesn't matter to him if he's really in the past. He can't walk around in Anakin Skywalker's skin, pretending to be a (good, light, compassionate person) weak, naïve, foolish child when he's not him anymore.
"Anakin is gone. I am what remains."
Vader doesn't want to live anymore. He wants to die. He wants the oblivion of death to claim him and take away his pain. The physical pain – constant, unyielding, and agonizing – might be gone, but the emotional pain... that's a whole other kind of torture. He isn't ready to face it. He probably never will be. All he wants to do is scream and rage at the unfairness of it all. He's offered his all to his family, only to be rejected. Padme. Obi-Wan.
Is there something about him that is so abhorrent that his family can't even look at him anymore when he's not the person they remember? He – he knows he has done awful things, and he doesn't deserve their forgiveness, but can't they see that he's trying? He doesn't know what more they want from him. He has tried to show them, he really has, and they just... don't care. They don't care that he'll give them the galaxy itself. If he's not behaving as they want him to, they'll reject him, abandon him. Why?
With a shaking hand, Vader unclips his lightsaber, igniting it. The kyber crystal hums a resonant song that makes him nauseous. It calls to a person who doesn't exist, a person who may never have truly existed in the first place. Slowly, inch by inch, he lifts it, staring blankly at the wall as the blue blade hums next to his throat, close enough that he can feel the searing heat, but far enough that it's not actually burning him. Yet.
It would be so easy to twist the blade just so, to bury it in his chest up to the hilt and burn away the pain that is consuming him. He could. It would finally be over. He wouldn't have to struggle with any of this anymore. Vader feels as if he can hardly breathe, mesmerized by the gleaming blue so close to his face. He should. He should. He can't look at the people here and lie to them that he's Anakin when he's not. Because he's here, he took away the person they knew, and he never asked to come here, but the Force didn't care. Nothing and no one cares... except Sidious.
He wants to do it so, so badly, so he doesn't know what it is that's stopping him. But whatever it is, it's enough to stay his hand. The hilt falls from his fingers, clanging against the floor as the first sob is ripped from him. He collapses to the floor, tears streaming down his face, body trembling as he buries his face against his palms, his left hand slipping up to entangle in his curly hair. And through it all, he has to force himself to remember to breathe. He's so used to the respirator that he fears he could suffocate unless he reminds himself that he needs to breathe. It almost happened on the way here, his mind distracted by other things that he'd...
It's stupid.
He doesn't even want to think about it. It's embarrassing. Normal people don't forget that they need to breathe. They just do it.
And Vader doesn't even really know why he's crying or what he's crying for. Except –
He's crying for himself, for Obi-Wan, for – for Padme, for Ahsoka, for... everyone. For himself. Because he lost everything due to his own stupid choices.
"Anakin is gone."
Gone. Gonegonegone. Nothing Vader does will ever change that or bring him back. And... and he wants it? He wants to be more than the monster and broken human that he's made himself into. He wants to be... different, better. And perhaps there was a part of him which thought, or hoped at least, that Obi-Wan might be able to fix him the way he always was able to fix things when – well, back in the past when Vader wasn't Vader. Except Obi-Wan didn't help. He walked away as if Anakin meant nothing to him.
He never hated himself more than he did in that moment, screaming desperately for his master to help him, the way he always did in the past when Vader needed it, but – but he walked away. He left him there, abandoned him, because he never cared. Vader had outlived his usefulness to Obi-Wan, so he left him.
It hurts. Ithurts. And he just – he doesn't... why? Why? Whywhywhy? Why can't anyone care about him? Why do they always expect him to do something for him? Why do they always get rid of him when he doesn't do good enough?
"You're a great warrior, Anakin, but your need to prove yourself is your undoing. Until you overcome it, a Padawan you will still be."
The memory is haunting him, nagging at him, and he doesn't understand. It – he doesn't understand at all. If he doesn't prove himself then of what use is he? If no one knows what he can do, why does he even have a reason to exist? If he never tried to prove himself, then Obi-Wan would have gotten rid of him that much sooner. And he – for all that it hurts (and hurts and hurts and hurts, a hurt that is always there, always gnawing at him, always burning him to ash and dust, always aching and making him crave for reprieve), he still could never bring himself to wish he never knew Obi-Wan.
Pain leads to anger.
And it will. But for now, he needs a moment longer to cry, to grieve everything he's lost, to mourn for what he never truly had in the first place.
(Why is it so difficult for you to love me, Master?)
**w**
It takes Obi-Wan a few minutes to reorient himself again when he awakens in his cabin on a Star Destroyer. After the first seconds of confusion and wondering if he'd been captured by Ana- Vader somehow without remembering it, he'd realized that somehow, impossibly, he's in the past. It doesn't seem real, but at the same time, the Force is telling him that it is.
The future is always in motion, and whatever he might have lived, he doesn't have to live it again if he takes action.
And he will, because there's no way that he'll allow Palpatine to do to the galaxy what he already did once. He won't let him turn Anakin. He won't let him destroy the Jedi. There's so much to fix, and so little time, especially since Obi-Wan doesn't even know what's happening or when this is. It's been so long since the Clone Wars that he no longer remembers all the small details of the individual campaigns.
He'll have to tell the Council, of course, about everything, and they can figure it out from there. Or should he not tell them? He doesn't know, and it's probably something he should meditate on before deciding. But first, first, he'll go find Anakin. His emotions are raw and chaotic after his encounter with Vader, and Obi-Wan needs to see Anakin again, needs to know that his best friend is there and okay before he can properly relax.
He reaches for their bond only to find it strangely shielded and cut off. And this was normal after – after, but before... He doesn't remember it ever having happened before, not like this. Still, it's clear enough and strong enough that Obi-Wan can get a general sense of direction, and he's not surprised to find that it leads towards the hanger bay. He feels a faint swell of fond amusement which soothes as much as it hurts.
And logically, Obi-Wan knows that he ought to wait before checking in on Anakin, but he can't. He can't. Not after Vader. Not after beginning to realize the bitter truth that Master Yoda had been right all along, that he should have simply killed Vader when he had the chance instead of leaving him to die. (But he couldn't though. He couldn't. He couldn't kill someone who was mostly, or completely, defenseless. More than that, he couldn't kill someone who was wearing Anakin's face.)
Except Anakin isn't in the hanger bay, so Obi-Wan backtracks, trying to figure out where his former Padawan might have gone. The Force nudges him in the direction of a seemingly random storage closet, and he opens the door, freezing in the doorway when he sees Anakin inside. The younger man doesn't see – or sense? – him though, and Obi-Wan feels as if he can hardly breathe as Anakin stands there, Force signature completely shielded, his lightsaber angled up next to his neck, for too close for Obi-Wan to be comfortable. What is he doing?
He stands there, breathing ragged, and Obi-Wan doesn't dare speak. He can't. The last thing he wants to do right now is startle Anakin when he's like that. After a moment, the hilt falls from Anakin's hand, hitting the floor, and he collapses, a sob escaping from him as he breaks down in front of Obi-Wan's shocked eyes. ...what? What could even be prompting this?
Obi-Wan steps forwards, the door sliding shut behind him as he hesitantly approaches Anakin's hunched over figure. His shoulders are shaking with mostly silent tears, and if he wasn't so shielded in the Force, Obi-Wan can only imagine the maelstrom of emotions which he would sense swirling around him.
"Anakin?" he questions hesitantly, and Anakin jolts as if he was stuck with a live wire, his body tensing up, though he doesn't turn around.
He lifts his head slightly from his hands, scrubbing at his face. "I want to be alone right now, Obi-Wan," he replies, voice somewhat strangled from tears, though it still sounds relatively steady, surprisingly enough.
"I – what's wrong?" he asks. This isn't what he'd expected when he came here to find Anakin, but he can't deny the worry burning within him, the sudden, uncontrolled, desperate need to make Anakin okay. He – he doesn't think he can handle seeing Anakin upset anymore, not after everything he's seen and been through in the future he lived. After having lived without Anakin for so long, Obi-Wan has no idea how he can live without him even a moment longer.
"Anakin is gone."
"You didn't kill Anakin Skywalker. I did."
It hurts. It hurts. And Obi-Wan just wants to have Anakin back again. He wants his best friend back. Anakin is his closest friend; he raised him. Anakin is like his – his –
It's not a sentence he can bring himself to finish, even now.
Anakin doesn't answer, so he presses a little further, trying to get some sort of answer out of him. "What were you doing with your lightsaber?" There's a horrible sinking suspicion in his gut, but he refuses to acknowledge it. Anakin would never do something like that. Not him. He's always so good and light and optimistic, even at the end he was. That – this – Anakin would never do... that.
He doesn't really know how to make sense of the strange, choked noise that Anakin makes. "Perhaps I was merely trying to feel the heat of the blade," he bites back harshly.
Obi-Wan feels his heart pounding abnormally fast, something in the Force screaming to him of danger and wrongness. "Anakin..." he says softly, unsure what else he even means to say. It's rare for him to be struck speechless, but he is right now. He desperately wants Anakin to talk to him. He hates the distance between them that is so prominent.
A half-growl slips from Anakin, and he twists, lurching sideways and catching himself with his prosthetic, his left hand closing around his lightsaber hilt and tugging it closer to him. And he turns towards Obi-Wan, glaring up at him furiously from the floor. It's not his tear-streaked face that makes Obi-Wan's heart clench painfully in his chest. It's the eyes. The eyes staring at him in Anakin's face are yellow.
And with a jolt of horror, Obi-Wan realizes that this isn't Anakin.
"Anakin is gone."
This is Vader.
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