I sit on a mattress on the floor of the white room I have been kept in for a while now. I am not sure how long because there are no windows so I don't know what time of day it is. It could be 3 am right now or 1 in the afternoon and I'd have no idea. The color around me is so bright it is sickening- the mattress, sheets, floor, toilet, and walls all white like a dove. Only doves represent freedom, love, and peace, and nothing of the sorts has happened in this room. Only imprisonment, hate, and my degradation and destruction.
They were keeping Johanna and I in the same room for a while, it wasn't as awful. Only when Snow had her dragged out of the room and down the hallway, that was awful... Hearing her scream as they drenched her in water and electrocuted her. They'd throw her back into the room with me and I'd hold her in my arms, until it was my turn.
At first, the "Peacekeepers" would just waterboard me, I was hit a baton a few times too, that was much more bearable than the horrors they've put me through now. They were trying to get details about the rebel plan out of me, about District 13, but I don't know anything. Finnick and I have always hoped for a rebellion, we hate the Capitol and we especially hate Snow, but I did not know that there was a rebel plan during these games. I did not know that Finnick would be involved in this, and I sure as hell didn't know he'd be in District 13.
I hope he is safe, and I am proud of him for being part of something as big and as brave as this. I wonder how he is doing without me? Hopefully much better than I am doing. I miss him so much.
The Peacekeepers seemed to believe me, that I didn't know anything. They are under the impression that I am mad, too crazy to be trusted with confidential information about a rebel plan. But maybe they don't believe me... Snow knows I am not as "mad" as the Capitol propaganda has made me out to be, maybe he told the Peacekeepers that. Regardless, I think they like torturing, they get power and pleasure out of it. These Peacekeepers are of a different breed, I have never encountered people, or even other Peacekeepers, as cruel and as ruthless as them. They have no sympathy, no regard for human life or consciousness.
When I told them I didn't know anything about the rebel plan, that Finnick must have made this plan after the Reaping, they seemed convinced. Then the waterboarding would happen, after I choked and drowned enough for their liking, they'd ask me other repetitive questions like "Did you know about District 13?" No. I did not, no one told me anything. More waterboarding.
Even if I did know anything, I would never tell them. I would never put Finnick, or any other innocent person in danger. And I would never let the rebellion down. But I really don't know, and if Finnick did he would have told me about it. We tell each other everything.
At one point, they shaved off Johanna's hair, so it would not absorb any of the electrical currents. She looked the worst she had this whole time when they brought her back to me, gaunt and covered in bruises and gashes. The man threw her on the floor and I shouted at him as I ran to her side, that was when I got my first baton beating. A few hard hits I blocked with my arms, I still have the bruises from it, though they are slightly faded. So that couldn't have been longer than a month or so ago?
Before they separated Johanna and I, things were less lonely. We would hold each other on the mattress, we formed a strong bond during the time we spent together. We depended on each other for affection and social interaction, and I could not bear to see her hurt. I think she felt the same about me. I think part of her was afraid and embarrassed of her vulnerability, but I have my ways of getting through to people. And soon enough, we were both desperate for someone to confide in, and she began to trust me.
I did not know Johanna very well before this, I met her on her Victory Tour after she won the Games a year after me. When she was in District 4 I was at the party, she was bitter, sarcastic, and at times quite rude. But she was intriguing and had a niceness about her, and I understood her rage. She had every right to be unwelcoming and angry, she never asked to be Reaped. Finnick met her many times after that when they were both in the Capitol and they formed a friendship. Johanna is someone who always speaks her mind, which is not helping her very much right now. She keeps fighting back, which has been making her punishments worse. I hope she is okay.
After they couldn't get any information out of me with the waterboarding, I think they began to understand that I truly had nothing to do with the rebel plan. They didn't pull me out of the room for questioning or torture for, I think, a few days. I thought maybe they'd leave me alone, which would be ideal because I could put all of my efforts into comforting Johanna and trying to stay sane on the little bits of food and water they give us. I was wrong.
I think it was morning, when they barged into the room, waking Johanna and I, and several Peacekeepers dragged me out. I panicked at their force and urgency when they grabbed me, it was quick and startling. Johanna screamed at them to leave me alone but they ignored her. I was dragged down the hall into the room that I am currently in, it is a much brighter white than the one I was in before, which had more of a grey hue. This room really assaults the eyes. I wonder if they made it so bright to undermine the dark horrors that occur here.
A woman in a white coat injected a few fluids into my arm while Peacekeepers held me down. I thought they were euthanizing me, but Snow came in afterwards and spoke to me.
"Hello Miss Cresta, good to see you after all of this time" He gave me a sinister smile.
I don't think he has ever truly smiled in his whole life. He has the smile of a snake. There is no warmth behind it, it is lifeless. I didn't respond to him, it did not feel good seeing him after all this time. In fact, I could go my whole life never seeing him again.
"Well, it seems you don't know anything about the rebel plan, but don't worry we have found a way to make you useful... I'm sure Finnick really misses you, he must be worried sick. It would break his heart if we did anything to you" He grinned again, and I wanted to punch him.
Fear crept up in me as he said that, the Capitol has no conscience, especially Snow. He is capable of horrible, horrible, horrifying things and one could only imagine what he was going to propose. My heart began to pound in my chest.
"I wonder how he'd feel if we had you treat some... clients"
My eyes widened at this proposal and my heart sank. My stomach twisted into a knot. Finnick was always worried sick that the Capitol would try to do to me what they did to him, or maybe even worse. As a mentor, he was very against my stylist going down the "sexy route" with me because he knew first hand what happened to Victors who the Capitol found desirable. He was always afraid that Snow would do something like this to punish him, or to further punish me for making The Games look like the monstrosity they are.
Snow was livid when I shut down after I survived the arena, my PTSD humanized me, and villainized the games. So they sent me back to District 4, told the public I was mentally insane, and I was not required to fulfill mentoring duties or go to any Capitol events. I was hidden away. I knew Snow would never be finished punishing me for that, and that he'd find a way to punish Finnick for loving me.
He told me to be ready because there were already some clients eager to "spend some time with me". I sat and waited, full of fear with my knees tucked tightly into my chest, for the horrors that were to come.
A few different Peacekeepers have come in and had their way with me. They seem to find the fact that I am "mad" and frightened to be attractive, like I said, they have no sympathy for other human beings. They don't care that they are raping me. I have begged each and every one of them to reconsider, to help me get out of here, none of them have listened. They like my pain and they love how helpless I am. They are sick.
The shots that woman gave me must have been birth control, I think Finnick has mentioned that they gave him a few shots like that before they made him see "clients".
It pains me that someone can hurt me like this and have no ounce of remorse. When I was little, I thought there was good in everyone, even President Snow. I told my mom that maybe if just the right person were to talk some sense into him, he would stop. I thought maybe he just wasn't loved enough. Maybe if he were to fall in love he would be a better person, he'd grow a heart, right?
Wrong.
President Snow and these Peacekeepers have no heart, no sense, no soul. I don't think they've ever loved anyone a day in their lives. I can cry, scream, and beg them to stop and they won't because they are heartless. I don't know how long I have been here anymore, but I don't see any way out. I don't see any way back to Finnick. I feel empty and disgusting, I stopped bothering to put my dirty, white clothes back on because sure enough, another Peacekeeper will come in and rip them off of me. So I sit naked on this white mattress, wrapped in this stupid fucking white sheet. And I am cold.
I don't have my Finnick, I don't have Johanna or Peeta, I have no one but these disgusting men that come in once, sometimes twice, a day. I want to be saved, I pray every waking moment that District 13 will save us and reunite me with my love. I ache for him, I miss gentle touch, smiling, hugs, I miss seeing the sun and seeing the night. Now all I see is white, white, white, and more white.
And all I feel is dirty, I feel hate, I feel rage, and frankly I feel like I want to die right now.
But somehow, I am holding onto hope, just a little bit, that I am going to get out of this alive.
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Authors Note:
Hello! I decided to start this story I hope you like it. I am also on Wattpad so if you see this story there as well, that's me!