A/N

This story has been in the works for many years. I kept chipping away at it when I was suffering through writers block in my other stories. In the light of what has happened with JLS and season 10, the first part of the first chapter was painful to reread. Ugh. Makes me want to cry just writing that. Oh…there I go. Shit.

I digress…sort of. I am hoping that in a month or so I can come back and revise this A/N with a HE'S BACK! I am very hopeful when I am not freaking out in despair. Ugh.

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Okay…the original A/N to this story:

Just go with it. Whatever is in here just go with the fact that it can be done. This is our world right, party people? And we get to do whatever we damn well please to kick Jay's ass in the most loving way possible. So ride this river of whump and go with the flow….

Al's in this one.

Right now the story is 4 chapters that are done but just need some tweaking.

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Always the first to arrive and the last to leave, Hank and Al often found themselves gossiping about the members of the unit in quiet of the bullpen, their favorite topic, Halstead.

They both knew that one day Jay would be running the unit and he'd run it the way it should be run. No one would be able to hold anything over the kid's head, no favors to be called in. The kid was by the book and although he might sometimes read it out of order to get the job done, no lines would be crossed.

Their job was to get him there and not let him destroy himself in the mean time, because when a person thought they had no value or at least not as much as those around him, that left a lot of room for pain. Not just his own but taking on the pain of others as well.

Today on the agenda, Jay's military service. Mouse had hinted about the humvee incident but no one knew the particulars. Al couldn't leave it alone though. Usually it was Hank that was like a dog with a bone but this time it was Al.

When Halstead first came up to Intelligence they knew he had been in the service, a Ranger but something about Jay niggled at Al until he had to check. Al still had a lot of contacts in the military, all branches. So he did some digging. And what he found was both heartbreaking and awe inspiring and it went right with everything they had seen of Jay Halstead. Self sacrificing for the greater good.

They knew he received an honorable medical discharge. The kid's injuries weren't career ending, but it was his second tour and the third incident within the span of 18 months that had him taking a discharge.

When Al asked Mouse about it, he would only say he convinced Jay to leave with him and if he didn't, he would either die in Afghanistan in service to his country or he would serve out his contract, come back and be dead within a month because of his service to his country.

Mouse and Jay had each other. It was rough for both of them and they made it through. But given how hard it was when they came back, he got what Mouse was saying. How much more could Jay withstand. It seemed in every chapter of Jay's life he went up to the tipping point but because of his strength of character never went over the edge.

Al found out that half way through Jay's first tour he had been captured, held and tortured for just over three weeks. He could have taken the medical discharge then, but chose to stay and recover at the base hospital. He was hurt bad but nothing life threatening. The psychological damage was probably as great as the physical but he recovered enough to stay, not only until the end of his contract, but he re-upped.

The second tipping point was a black ops mission where three went out, two came back and only one lived. Mouse referred to that as, 'the time Jay went dark for almost a month.'

Jay received a sealed Distinguished Service Cross for that mission. No one would ever know about the medal, but Al found out about it. Al had contacts and had a way of questioning that weeded out the lies and deflections and left the truth unsaid and understood. He also found out about the Silver Star, 2 Purple Hearts, a Bronze Star and various 'lesser' medals Those weren't sealed. The kid never talked about them, any of them. Not once.

So it was no surprise that any case having to do with the military would affect Jay to a greater degree. Those were the cases where we had to keep an eye on him, keep him on a short leash. He had a tendency to view those cases through the eyes of a veteran first and a detective second. It was hard for him to see first hand what going to war did to these guys if they were the criminal and if they were the vic, to survive Afghanistan and die on the streets of the country they were protecting.

We got called to a crime scene that wasn't really a 'crime' scene but because the vic was the son of someone important we were there. The victim had put on his dress uniform and blew his brains out. Jay had stood by the body longer than we were comfortable with.

The kid knew him.

Knowing something was brewing in that head of his, Al and Hank went and stood by him. Jay glanced at them for a moment but then spoke toward the body, "My mom always said, 'there but for the grace of God go I.'" He paused a second looking to the sky almost in an apology to his mom for what he was going to say, "It's bullshit. Kinda seems like a crap shoot from where I'm standing." He glanced at us again, "… and maybe God's grace ain't all it's cracked up to be." Then he got in his truck and drove back to the district, or so we thought. Yes, cases involving vets affected Jay more.

When we got back to the district Jay wasn't there. But a half hour later he walked in and went straight to his desk and got to work, or at least tried to work. You could tell he was trying to rein in his feelings. He had kept his head down but they saw his eyes were red rimmed from crying.

Under normal circumstances Jay probably would have been sent home but that would have just drawn even more attention to Jay's state of mind and none of the others, except maybe Hailey, seemed to notice the true state Jay was in. And if they sent him home they couldn't keep an eye on him.

There was a lot of subdued bantering in the bullpen. All trying to keep it to a dull roar out of respect for Jay and his feelings about the case. He didn't seem to notice one way or another. Just focused on what he was trying to work on.

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Jay's cell phone buzzed and normally a buzzing phone wouldn't draw anyone's attention, but this wasn't Jay's work or personal cell phone, this was a cell phone none of them had ever seen before.

Their eyes were drawn to Jay by the sigh and followed him as he exited to the break room without even looking to see who was calling. Once the the door was closed they all exchanged looks. Al raised his eyebrows at the group with a shrug of his shoulders before they all tried but failed to go back to work, instead watching Jay through the glass of the door.

Jay's demeanor totally changed when he put the phone to his ear, practically coming to attention. Snippets of what sounded like code filtered through at the beginning of the call and then the occasional 'yes sir.' All of this had them all thinking along the same lines, 'there was more going on than the suicide of a soldier.'

When Jay hung up the phone and took a deep stuttering breath, we all exchanged looks again, should someone go to him? Jay pinched the bridge of his nose as he sat on the couch and put his head down. The slump of his shoulders was on the far side of the spectrum from where he stood at attention a moment ago.

Hank gave it a moment before he joined Jay in the break room, giving Al a tilt of the head to join him. He didn't move a muscle when the two entered and pulled chairs around to face him. The two of them knew they had an audience but that was the least of their worries at the moment. Their focus was on the kid in front of them.

A moment later, Jay sat back on the couch and clasped his hands on top of his head. He focused on his breathing and didn't acknowledge their presence yet. They were patient and would wait as long as he needed, which turned out to be not long.

He got as far as, 'we've got a problem,' before his phone rang again. He sat up, stiff as a board, listened for a moment, spit out a 10 digit code, waited, then listened to the voice on the other end eventually closing his eyes in resignation and ending the call with a final, 'yes sir.'

"It wasn't a suicide."

A half hour later the three of them left the break room and all heads snapped up in expectation. Hank went into his office, shut the door and got on the phone. Al pulled the white board around and erased any remnants of old cases, Jay disappeared down the stairs to see Platt, giving Hailey a sad smile on the way, an 'I'm okay but just barely hanging on' smile.

Ten minutes later Jay was at the board, fifteen minutes after that, he had finished it. It was unnerving to watch the process. Especially when he added pictures of himself and Mouse. When he was done, Jay went and leaned against the wall between the break room and Voight's office, almost at parade rest except the leaning against the wall part. He was as far away from the board as he could get and still be in the room.

Nine pictures, seven dead. By their dates of death, all had died within the last 6 weeks except the first vic in the row and the one that was separated from the rest and resided in the bottom left hand corner, CPL Jackson Turner. Two living, Jay and Mouse, their pictures were separated from the rest in the bottom right hand corner. Jay hadn't written anything under his picture. Under Mouse's he had written 'Mouse' and then underneath, 'in-country.' Everyone appeared to be about the same age except the Corporal looked about ten years older than Jay and the PFC in the bottom left corner looked so young he could have been twelve.

Based on what Jay had written, of the six pictures grouped together, the Corporal looked to be the odd man out. Jay took a deep breath and started talking.

"Coop was my second in command and isn't part of this. He died two weeks after coming home. Car accident."

"Are we sure that one was a car accident?"

"Him and his wife were killed by a drunk driver who also died."

"What about Mouse? Is he in danger?"

"No. He wasn't on the mission. He was stateside recovering from an injury; though he and his CO have been briefed of the current situation. He'll keep his head on a swivel."

By the dates of death, Turner must have died while under Jay's command. Jay's stoic face was giving nothing away, but Hank, Al and Hailey knew he was barely keeping it together.

The military terms and stance were starting to worry Hank but he would let it go for now and just keep an eye on the kid.

"They were my Unit. This was the full unit when the incident that's at the center of this took place. I knew when everyone had gotten out but we all lost track of each other, we all lived in different parts of the country. I knew when Coop died. Went to his funeral. Saw all the guys there. But since then it's been sporadic."

"What incident Jay?"

Jay didn't seem to hear Hailey's question at first but then looked at her and with no emotion said, "When Turner and I were captured."

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A/N

Okey dokey. First of four chapters. Stay safe peeps and stay strong. Hopefully we'll all get our way.