Monday morning, Gabriel joined Nathan and Bill at the Royal Brookfield for breakfast. During their meal, Nathan noted that both Gabriel and Bill kept the conversation away from Novak's funeral or anything related to the prisoner transfer. Nathan was thankful for that. He knew some hard conversations needed to take place, but he was not quite ready for them.
After breakfast, all three men headed to the livery to tack their horses. Gabriel rode with Bill and Nathan until it came time for him to go a different direction on his rounds of the area. Final good-byes were said from horseback.
"If you need me, send a telegram," Gabriel told Nathan as the two friends shook hands. "Making the ride is not too much trouble."
"I appreciate it," Nathan told him, though he knew he would not make that request unless things got bad. They both had responsibilities to the towns they served. Not for the first time, Nathan wished that Brookfield had a telephone line. Being able to pick up a phone and talk to Gabe would be a comfort in itself.
Gabriel said good-bye to Bill, then turned Apollo along the road that led toward the Clay ranch. Nathan and Bill continued on the road to Hope Valley. As they rode, Nathan tried to figure out how to start the conversation with Bill. He knew he needed to come clean about his connection to Jack Thornton's last assignment and his past with Superintendent Hargraves. Knowing that and starting the conversation were two different things though. Every segue Nathan could think of into the conversation just seemed too blunt or too insensitive. Jack Thortnon was more than just a fellow Mountie to Bill. He had been a friend to him as well. The fact that Bill was Jack Junior's godfather spoke volumes to exactly how deep that friendship had been.
Bill spoke first. "So, given what I found out from the Novaks on Saturday evening, I plan on calling Andrew myself tomorrow. I want to see if I can get an idea of what Andrew is thinking of with this prisoner transfer. Something isn't adding up."
Nathan focused on Newton's black mane as they rode.
"I know you are not one to volunteer information, Nathan. I can respect that," Bill continued. "So, I am asking you before I make that call: is there anything between you and Hargraves that I should know about?"
Nathan gave a sigh of relief. There it was. There was his opening. Now he just had to get the words out.
"I served under Superintendent Hargraves at Fort Clay, Bill," Nathan told him. "He was Sergeant Major at the time and in charge of the fort. This was at the time that Constable Thornton was asked to lead the training session at Fort Clay."
"I thought you said you did not know or serve with Jack," Bill said, the words coming out a bit harsh. Nathan did not wait to see if Bill would apologize for them or not. He did not think there was any reason for Bill to apologize.
"Both are true," Nathan assured him. "Constable Thornton and I were both at the fort at the same time. Perhaps we even walked past one another. I could not say for sure. However, I never met him. Constable Thortnon was there to lead a group of recruits and by that time, Hargraves had me limited to doing paperwork and errands for him."
"Why do I have a feeling there is more to this situation?" Bill mused out loud.
"Because there is," Nathan admitted. "The assignment that Constable Thornton was doing was supposed to be mine. However, several weeks before he was asked to take it, I was assigned to track some cattle rustlers until backup could reach me to apprehend them. I tracked them to the border. Instead of letting them escape, I chose to apprehend them myself despite the risks."
Nathan paused in his story. He was now looking straight ahead along the road they were traveling, but part of him was back at Fort Clay. He had known the risks of approaching the cattle rustlers alone. He had been fully prepared to face them, with whatever consequences came from disobeying orders.
"I was able to apprehend the cattle rustlers. I met the backup on the way to Fort Clay with them. Hargraves was furious with me. He suspended me on the spot and brought me up on charges of disobeying orders. When the subsequent inquiry cleared me of those charges, it only incensed him more. Hargraves removed me from training the recruits and assigned me to the office in Fort Clay."
"And then asked Jack to take your place," Bill finished.
Nathan nodded. Though he couldn't gauge how Bill was feeling through his voice, Nathan couldn't bring himself to look over at his friend. At least not until he felt a hand come to rest on his shoulder.
Looking over, Nathan met Bill's gaze.
"You are not to blame for Jack's death," Bill told him when their eyes met. "You made a choice, and you faced the consequences for that choice. You cannot control the actions of others or the acts of nature."
"Logically, I know that," Nathan conceded. "It still doesn't stop me from wondering if I could have done something differently, especially in light of how things transpired. If you are going to talk to Hargraves, Bill, there is something that I want you to hear from me rather than him."
"I am listening," Bill replied.
"The day before Constable Thornton was scheduled to leave with the recruits, I was coming back to the fort after delivering a message. It was raining, and as my route took me through the area I knew the training mission would be taking, I noted the conditions. The heavy rains made the footing for the horse difficult. Given the terrain, I knew the likelihood of a mudslide was high. Upon returning to Fort Clay, I made a written report and then sought out Hargraves to give a verbal report. Both reports stated that I thought the heavy rains had made the area for the training mission unsafe, and that it should be postponed. Hargraves acknowledged the verbal report, took the written report from me, and dismissed me. I was surprised when I heard that Constable Thornton left on the training mission as planned. Word reached the fort of the landslide later that day. It wasn't until the incident was being investigated that the fact that I had been through the area the day before came up. I was questioned, and I told the inquiry board the actions I took."
"Let me guess, Hargraves had no recollection of your report," Bill supplied.
Nathan nodded. "He never formally claimed I was lying. He simply told them he did not recall the conversation. My written report could not be located and the incident was ruled an unfortunate act of nature. I have tried hard over the years to convince myself that Hargraves would not have risked the safety of those men just out of anger toward me. I told myself that in the course of running the fort, my verbal report had simply slipped his mind and the report had gotten misplaced. It would not be the first time paperwork got lost."
Nathan looked over at Bill. "The more Superintendent Hargraves questions me about the prisoner transfer, the more I believe that is wishful thinking. Maybe I am just being paranoid, but I am starting to wonder if he is searching for a way to pin blame for Constable Novak's death on me and end my career."
"As well as end any possibility that questions about the landslide would be brought up again," Bill said thoughtfully. "Nathan, if you do not want me possibly stirring up something more, I understand in light of this information. It could be best for you if we just keep to the truth and let this blow over."
Nathan shook his head. He had considered that possibility long into the night last night. "No, Bill. Keeping my head down might be the safe course of action, but if Superintendent Hargraves is trying to cover something up, then I feel like it is my responsibility to do what I can to bring that to light, no matter what the personal cost is to me."
"Maintiens le droit," Bill said, saying the Mountie motto in French.
Nathan did not respond. Maintain the right. The words meant as much to Bill as they did to him.
"Perhaps Andrew is not the one I need to be asking questions of at this point," Bill said, after a few moments of silence. Nathan could hear a steely determination in the man's voice. "If Jack's death could have been prevented, then I am determined to bring about justice. For the sake of Jack's memory. For Elizabeth and for you, Nathan. I am going to make a call tomorrow, but I think that call is going to be to Commissioner Anders' office instead. I want to find out from someone other than Hargraves what the status of the prisoner transfer investigation is."
Nathan nodded. He had a feeling his professional life was going to get more stressful before things calmed down. Perhaps he would not even be a Mountie at the end of all of this. That, however, was a bridge he would cross when he came to it.
"Nathan," Bill said, concern now softening his voice. "Is Elizabeth aware of any of this?"
Nathan shook his head. "The time never seemed right to broach the subject," he confessed.
"Maybe there is no right time for this information," Bill surmised. "However, I do think it would be best if the information came from you, Nathan. If I start poking around and stir things up, Hargraves might do his own talking, and Elizabeth may hear another version of the story."
Nathan nodded. "I'll talk to her," he told Bill, knowing the task was easier said than done.
Nathan and Bill arrived in Hope Valley shortly before school was to let out. As the two men dismounted outside the livery, Bill reached for Newton's reins.
"I'll take care of Newton for you," Bill said, taking the reins from Nathan. "Go surprise Allie by waiting for her when she gets out of school. The both of you deserve some time together after recent events."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," Bill said. "After all, I have to keep making Allie believe I am 'sort of nice' to you."
Despite everything, the reminder of those words made Nathan chuckle. He had come a long way in his relationship with Hope Valley's judge.
"Thank you, Bill," Nathan replied.
Nathan quickly untied his personal belongings and then turned in the direction of the schoolhouse. With his bundle over one shoulder, Nathan covered the distance to the school with long strides. He said a quick greeting to the other parents who were picking up students just before kids started hurrying from the school.
Walking beside Opal, Allie exited the building. His niece scanned the area with a neutral expression on her face. As their gaze met, Allie's face lit up. Bounding down the steps, she quickly crossed the distance to him. Nathan just had time to drop his bundle to the ground before Allie was throwing her arms around him.
"I am so glad you are home!" Allie exclaimed, the words muffled against his serge.
"I am glad to be home," Nathan told her, his arms wrapped around her.
Though she did not let go of him, Allie shifted her head to look up. "Do you have work to do this afternoon?" the girl asked. Nathan could hear the resignation in her voice as she asked the question. She would accept what answer he gave, but Nathan was happy that he could give her the answer that she really wanted to hear.
"I do not," Nathan replied. "Bill is bedding down Newton for me and barring someone coming to me for something, I am done for the day."
Allie grinned. Letting go of her uncle, the girl snatched his pack up from the ground. "Let's go home before someone decides they need you!" Allie said.
Nathan chuckled, and though he was just as anxious as Allie to head home, Nathan knew there was one person at least he needed to talk to. Looking at the schoolhouse, Nathan spotted Elizabeth standing on the top step. Despite the cold, she had not bothered with her coat, but did have a shawl wrapped around her shoulders.
"Let me just say hello to Mrs. Thornton," Nathan told his niece.
"All right," Allie said, hugging his pack to her. "Just don't get so tongue tied you take forever."
Nathan reached out and chucked Allie's chin though he did not admonish her. After all, he certainly did have a history of stumbling over words when it came to Elizabeth Thornton.
Most of the kids and the waiting parents had dispersed. Elizabeth was waving good-bye to Robert and Timmy as he approached. As he stepped up on the bottom step, Nathan removed his campaign hat and saw Elizabeth turn her eyes to him.
"I am glad you and Bill are home safely," Elizabeth commented, a welcoming smile on her face, though Nathan thought her eyes looked troubled.
"Thank you," he replied, resting a hand on the banister of the steps as he looked up at her. "Allie is in a rush to get me home before anyone asks for my assistance," he told her, waving his hat in his niece's general direction.
"I do not blame her," Elizabeth said. "I know Allie has missed you this weekend. As have I."
"I missed you too," Nathan managed. Before he could change his mind, he forged on. "I was hoping we could talk this evening, Elizabeth. Would it be all right if I stopped by later if you are not too busy?"
"I usually put Jack down for the night around seven," Elizabeth replied. "Perhaps you could come by at seven-thirty?"
Nathan nodded. "Thank you," he told her, before turning to step from the stairs.
"Nathan, is everything all right?"
Elizabeth's question made Nathan pause as he went to put his hat back on. He wasn't sure if everything was all right or not. He wasn't even sure Elizabeth would still be talking to him after tonight.
"We'll talk tonight," Nathan told her, looking back up at her. "Have a good afternoon, Elizabeth."
"You too, Nathan," Elizabeth said. Nathan nodded with a smile, then headed toward Allie and home.
Nathan stood outside Elizabeth's door at exactly seven-thirty, hand raised to knock. He noticed it was trembling. So much was riding on this conversation. He knew they had a lot to discuss, about the prisoner transfer and the embrace. That would have been enough to make him nervous, but he also knew he had to tell her about Fort Clay. Bill was right. The story needed to come from him. He owed Elizabeth that much.
Drawing in a long breath and praying for fortitude, Nathan rapped three times on the door. He heard Elizabeth's footsteps moments before the door opened. He caught his breath. She was smiling at him, looking as beautiful as ever, but there was something in her eyes that made him pause. Was that sorrow?
"Hello, Elizabeth," he said softly.
"Hi," she replied. The look on her face became shy. "Please, come in. I have some coffee and cookies at the table."
Sustenance. Nathan exhaled a small sigh of gratitude. He was likely to need it to bolster up his courage. He'd hardly been able to eat dinner because his nerves were so high. Allie had noticed and commented. Nathan told her he was fine, but it hadn't seemed to reassure his niece. She'd given him a look that said they would talk about it later. Nathan was just thankful she hadn't pushed him to talk. Reliving the Fort Clay fiasco with Bill had been hard enough; telling Elizabeth would be infinitely harder.
They settled at the table. Elizabeth poured him a cup of tea. Nathan thanked her, sipping the comforting hot liquid and gripping the cup like a lifeline. Elizabeth placed some cookies on his plate. He tried one, and his brows rose in surprise. "Gingersnaps?" he asked, the sweet and spicy cookie bursting with flavor on his tongue.
Elizabeth ducked her head. Was that a blush making her cheeks rosy? "Allie told me they are your favorite."
The simple words warmed him more than anything. She had baked the cookies because she knew he loved them. Feeling an uncharacteristic boldness, Nathan reached out, covering Elizabeth's hand with his. He waited until she looked up at him, her blue eyes pools of surprise.
"Thank you," he said, gazing at her. That was all he said, but he hoped she could see the gratitude and sincerity in his eyes. Elizabeth stared at him for a moment. Slowly, her hand turned beneath his. Before he realized what she was doing, she tentatively slid her fingers through his, clasping their hands together.
Nathan's heart began pounding in his chest. "Elizabeth," he murmured, tightening his hold on her. "What is happening between us?"
"I'm not sure," she whispered, eyes round and luminous. Nathan was surprised to see tears welling in the blue depths.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
Elizabeth sniffed. "I was so scared that day, Nathan," she said. He didn't have to ask which day she meant. Elizabeth continued. "I thought you had been killed. My heart stopped when I was in the mercantile and heard someone say they thought it was you who had been shot. When Carson said 'he's gone', I felt a horrible ache inside. So many feelings pulsed through me – fear, grief, pain. I didn't have time to process any of them before I turned and saw you walking toward me, alive and unharmed. Running to you like I did and throwing myself into your arms was pure instinct." She swallowed. "But in the weeks since, I have had time to think. My feelings for you are deeper than I realized."
Nathan stared at her, his heart thrilling at the admission. But he quickly realized she wasn't finished. A single tear slid down her cheek. "As much as I care for you, I don't know if I can handle that kind of fear again," she said, her voice anguished. "I already lost one man I loved. I don't know if I can live with the worry of being involved with another Mountie." Another tear fell from her eyes. "I don't know if I'm brave enough to love you." The words ended on a pained whisper while her eyes dropped to their still-joined hands. Her tears flowed freely now. She clung to Nathan's hand, sniffing as she cried quietly.
He fell to one knee beside her chair, tugging her into his arms. Elizabeth let him, burying her face in his neck. Her tears wet his skin. He could feel her body shuddering. Not knowing what to say, he simply held her.
Eventually, Elizabeth's cries stopped. She leaned against him heavily. Nathan stood, pulling her up with him. "Why don't we sit on the settee?" he suggested.
Elizabeth nodded, allowing him to lead her there. When they sat, she stayed at his side, her hand finding his once more. "I'm sorry, Nathan. I didn't mean to fall apart on you."
He smiled at her tenderly, brushing back a lock of soft hair from her cheek. "You've been feeling a lot of emotions," he said quietly. "Crying is a release, Elizabeth. Don't apologize for it."
She bit her lip. "You're not angry with me?"
He raised a brow. "Angry? Why would I be angry with you?"
Elizabeth looked away. "Because I keep giving you mixed messages," she said with a sigh. "I'm confused about my feelings for you. I don't know what is real and what is my fear and pain talking."
Nathan searched her eyes when she looked at him once more. He read the confusion there, the sorrow, and he knew she was telling the truth. "Elizabeth, I know this is hard for you. My profession is a dangerous one. I accepted the fact that my life might not include a wife or children because of the risks associated with the job. I was content with that for a long time." He lifted her hand to his heart. "But then I met you, and suddenly I could see myself with someone. I've been slowly falling for you over the last two years. You mean more to me than I thought was possible."
Elizabeth stilled, her lips parting slightly. Nathan knew she was surprised at his declaration. Considering how tongue-tied he often was around her, he was a bit surprised himself that he had laid out his feelings like that. But he couldn't take the words back now. He squeezed her hand softly. "I also know you had your heart shattered when Jack died," he said quietly. A resolve crept over him, one he'd thought about before but had never spoken out loud. "Elizabeth, if it means we could have a future together, I would quit the Mounties."
Now her mouth hung open in shock. She stared at him. "You would?"
He nodded. "I would."
Emotions flashed over her face. Surprise, hope, and wariness vied for dominance. She pulled back slightly. "I couldn't ask you to do that, Nathan." Her voice was breathy, an indication of her shock.
Nathan looked at her evenly. "You're not asking," he said. "I'm offering. I would do it in a heartbeat for you." He smiled to lighten the tension that seemed to settle over her. "And it wouldn't just be for you. The thought has crossed my mind before for Allie's sake. I know how hard my profession is on her." Besides, it might all be taken from me anyway, he thought, remembering his conversation with Bill earlier. If Hargraves had his way, Nathan might face a dishonorable discharge from the Mounties. He would prefer to leave on his own terms if he left at all, but Nathan knew there were more important things in life than his job.
His niece, for one. And the woman he loved, for another.
He'd all but told her he was in love with her. Though he implied it, Nathan sensed now was not the time to make an actual declaration. Elizabeth was confused already. He didn't want to compound the problem. As it was, she was gaping at him like a fish out of water.
"I can't believe you would consider quitting," she stammered. "That would change everything." Some of the fear seemed to melt from her face.
His heart leaped into his throat at the look in her eyes. He got lost in her gaze, knowing he would do anything to make her happy. Her face seemed to be getting closer. With a start, Nathan realized they were leaning toward each other. Reality slapped him. He jerked back. He wasn't sure which of them had moved first, but he knew without a doubt he could not kiss her yet. Not with Fort Clay hanging between them like a knife. She deserved to know the truth before their relationship went any further.
An ache filled him. Would there be a relationship after his revelation? What if she never wanted to see him again after he told her everything?
Elizabeth was looking at him, confused once more. "Nathan?" she said, searching his eyes. "What's wrong?"
Sorrow pierced his heart. What he was about to tell her was likely to cause her pain. He wanted to spare her that, but he could not in good conscience keep the information to himself any longer. Nervously licking his lips, he took a deep breath. "There's something you should know," he said, voice low.
Elizabeth's brow furrowed, but she nodded in encouragement. Nathan closed his eyes briefly. When he opened them, he forced himself to look at her. "Three years ago, I was stationed at Fort Clay."
She started. Her confusion deepened. "You were at Fort Clay?" she repeated in disbelief. "But that's when Jack was there."
Nathan nodded. "It was."
Elizabeth frowned. "I thought you said you never met Jack."
"I didn't," Nathan assured her. "He and I never crossed paths. But we are connected, Elizabeth." Drawing on all his courage, Nathan told her the whole story. He left nothing out. Baring his soul and his failings and his pain, he spoke for nearly fifteen minutes. The only bit he left out was his suspicion that Hargraves had deliberately misplaced his report.
Elizabeth listened quietly, her face growing paler and paler. When he finally finished his confession, she was white as a sheet. Silence stretched between them. Nathan felt tremors pass through him. He had to know what she was thinking.
"Say something, Elizabeth," he begged.
She pressed her lips together. "Thank you for telling me," she said, her voice monotone. She rose from the settee, not meeting his eyes. "You've given me a lot to think about."
Nathan stood as well. Dread slammed into him. Elizabeth still wouldn't look at him. If he wasn't mistaken, she was crying again. He took a step toward her, wanting to offer comfort, but she held up a hand. "Please," she whispered. "Just go."
Though he understood, her words felt like a fist in his gut. He nodded, tears pricking his own eyes. They had finally talked, but it felt like they were further apart than ever before. Resigned, he moved toward the door. Hand on the handle, he looked back.
She was watching him, tears streaming down her cheeks. There was no judgment in her eyes, just grief. It was clear her heart was breaking all over again.
This time, his heart broke with hers.