CHAPTER 13: Comes Around
"So that just happened," Rin breathed out.
"It sure did," Lily confirmed.
The twin felt something around her foot; she reached below and found out that it somehow got wrapped in Lily's shirt. She pulled it off, threw it on the ground next to the bed, and then cuddled back to her newfound lover. Their foreheads touched, and they could feel each other's breathing return to normal after a few minutes of having to catch their breath.
"Was that good for you?" Rin asked. "This was the first time I've done this."
She received a gentle kiss. "I enjoyed it," Lily answered. "You were a bit more rough than I'm used to, but that's fine. I finished."
"You're going to have to teach me those moves. That was incredible."
"To give credit where it's due, that was all Rachel's doing. I was such a noob compared to you when I started. She introduced me to this."
"Your first girlfriend?" The twin rolled backside-up, her hands under her chin, and looked at Lily's contours in the dark.
The tall girl's eyes followed the slight elevated curve of Rin's buttocks. "God, I love that shape. You have a cute butt."
"Oh, thank you. She deserves better care than I give her. Haven't done squats in years." She in turn gazed upon Lily's form. It was just like Gumi had said that evening: if you're scared of something, you should jump right in the middle of it.
It wasn't the first time Rin was in the presence of a woman body. Back in the day she usually shared hotel rooms with Miku, and even though they weren't making a habit of walking around naked in front of one another, she did have the opportunity to take a few glimpses over the years. However, because Miku used to be something of a sister figure to her, she never would have thought of looking at her in a sexual way.
With Lily, it was so much different. She gave her the chance to properly explore the female anatomy for the first time, not counting what Rin already knew about herself – but she quickly learned there were differences she'd have to get used to. Aside from finding the small details, however, it was also and most importantly a process of letting go of the intimidation. In that regard it was exactly like her actual first time, except this time the feeling was stronger for the fact that she cared about Lily – so both pleasing her and being touched by her herself were much more important factors compared to the surgical act that was her initial experience with Cory. Now that the twin had the comparison, she couldn't think about that in any other way. This was the real deal, one she's been waiting for all this time. It was simply so much better when feelings were involved.
Rin realised she's been staring her counterpart up and down for a few seconds, taking it in slowly. Yes. Physical intimacy paired with an emotional one pushed the whole ordeal to another level, now she understood clearly what people meant by that. She was aware it was way past midnight and they should probably get rest, but she wasn't tired at all. More than that, the twin was excited to use this opportunity to talk and learn more about Lily, really get to know everything about her. It was an immersive emotion, the willingness to surrender entirely to this beautiful soul that has unveiled in front of her the same way the girl uncovered her body and allowed Rin to learn its secrets.
She never would have believed this feeling could even exist had she not just witnessed it.
"I want to know you better," she said plain and simple. "Can you tell me about Rachel?"
Lily giggled and laid her head down, looking into the ceiling. "Rachel was such a wild card. She was pansexual so it didn't matter who I was and what my preferences were. I really lucked out with her as my first."
"I'm envious," Rin noted.
Her lover sighed. "It was a great year. We drifted apart over the Summer, but it was very friendly. When I was in third year, Rachel got together with a trans girl named Justine and they live in Ireland now. I wish her all the happiness in the world."
"That's pretty fucking sweet. I wasn't that lucky."
"Do you feel like talking about it?"
The twin stretched out her arm and started playing with Lily's hair. Her mind was still in the most recent past, replaying the details of the two girls' sudden unexpected adventure. It happened so fast and it was so intense that Rin had zero time to be concerned with doubt or her conscience. For the moment, she was relaxed – the most relaxed, in fact, that she's been since she and Lily first met. It was as if their love making session released all of the tension built up in her over the weeks. However, there was still a short queue of intrusive thoughts waiting to be recognised, including her current relationship with Tom which she realised she'd have to end as soon as possible – not to mention having to figure out together with the woman lying next to her what their relationship status would be from now on. Those were all problems she was willing to put aside for the next day, and talking about her previous love experience seemed like a good enough topic to take her mind off of all that.
"I haven't actually had sex before I moved here," she recounted. "I was with a guy when I was fourteen who really wanted to make it happen, but he was such a jerk that I avoided boys for the next five years. Plus, I didn't have much spare time anyway when we were on tour. But all this time it never crossed my mind that I could actually..."
She couldn't finish that sentence. She wasn't ready to declare her sexuality out loud, despite having just confirmed to herself that the girl's touch brought her much more enjoyment than any of the guys she's been with. It might have been a coincidence; Lily might have been just good at it while her previous lovers were not. She'd really have to think about it some more.
Rin shook off that uneasy feeling and continued: "I changed the environment and suddenly I felt like I'd missed out on a lot of things. One time I just met this guy, Cory, in a pub and because he was into me and I thought he was a badass, I let it happen. I didn't like it very much, he was... too self-centered, I'd say."
"From what I heard, the badass types tend to have that problem. I'm sorry," said Lily and reached over to grab Rin's hand that was still in her hair. Their fingers danced and played around.
"I've been with five other dudes since then," the twin confessed. "And I was only in a relationship with two of them. I regret that."
"What part of it?"
"I just feel like six is too much in such a short amount of time."
"Are you kidding?" Lily lifted her torso and looked at the twin. "You haven't gotten laid in nineteen years of your existence. Of course you're gonna do it a lot once you find out what the deal is. Usually once people have had sex, they can no longer imagine not having it."
"Granted their first time was good, though. There were some guys that were okay at it, but overall, I was kind of disappointed. Until I met you."
"Now that is a compliment and a half." She pulled Rin's hand to her lips and kissed her knuckles. "You mentioned your current boyfriend a few times. I want to feel bad for making you cheat on him, but I guess it's not that easy, is it?"
Although that was at the bottom of her list of things to discuss, the twin figured she had no choice but to be honest. "Well... If you can believe that, I'm only with him because I was lonely and he was... God dammit, Lil. I've liked you since I first saw you and I didn't think anything was going to happen, I..." she subconsciously raised her voice. Now that she payed attention to those negative thoughts again, they started to pour out. That certainly wasn't a good sign.
"Shh. It's fine." Lily's grasp of Rin's hand tightened just a little. "Did you really?"
"Yes, I did. And I kept pushing you away because I didn't know how to deal with this... this 'girls' thing, I've never had that happen to me before. I was lonely and... Uuugh."
"I know it's not my place to lecture you, but you could have saved yourself a lot of trouble if you just talked to me."
"You think I don't know that?" Rin removed her hand from the girl's grip and sat up on her knees. Lily watched her; it was impossible to tell what she was thinking about in the darkness covering her face. "I'm sorry, but..."
"No, I'm sorry," her counterpart interjected, straightened up and sat down on the bed, facing away. "I shouldn't have said that."
There was an awkward moment of silence until Lily asked: "Who is he?"
"That's kind of the worst part. It's Tom. Your predecessor in the band."
"Oh, shit. No way."
"Yeah. We had a drunk make-out moment, he wanted to make us a thing and I rejected him. He left the band because he couldn't handle it." Rin gulped. "But then I... Fuck, Lil, I'm realising just how much I've been using him. He likes me and I guess I just needed a friend with benefits. I feel so guilty right now." When Lily stayed silent, she added: "Aren't you going to say anything?"
The tall girl sighed: "I don't know. You obviously didn't want to hurt him, that speaks in your favor."
Rin listened to Lily's subtle breathing, watching the sillhouette of her shoulders rise and fall, and her urge to reach out and embrace her again was driving her crazy. She tried to compose herself, but the dark side of her came back too suddenly. How is that even possible, to be so happy and serene one minute and so troubled the next?
"I just..." she tried, but had to stop and try again. "I don't want you to think what happened between us was meaningless. I like you a lot, I have from the moment we met. I just didn't know how to deal with it."
Lily still wasn't saying anything so she continued: "I'm trying to figure out what it all means. You messed me up badly."
"Did I?"
"You're the most that I've been smitten since I was fourteen, and it scared me. Even more so because... Like I said, I had no idea I could even like girls before."
Even the two words together – like girls – took some effort to put together like that. The twin started to feel nauseous and she recognised the sign of an incoming panic attack. She lowered her head and shut her eyes shut. Shit! Not now!
"Rin," she heard right in front of her. She looked up to see Lily kneeling in front of her. "I like you too. Don't think for a second that I don't. That's not changing anytime soon."
"I... need to lie down now," the twin said in response; her head spun and she fell on her side curled up. Her body tensed up and she began to shake.
After a brief moment, she felt Lily's touch again and it was like an anchor keeping her in one place. She was sitting beside her on the bed, one arm laid on her shoulder, stroking her hair with the free hand. Lily didn't say anything, but she was there and she wanted to make sure Rin would be okay. It was such a bizzare scene: they were both undressed, having just enjoyed each other's passionate company which would have been a perfect ending to any love story, and then her stupid sick mind had to ruin everything. She hated it. She hated herself. And worst of all, she couldn't understand what was it about her that made Lily sit there with her, not judge, but give her safe space to cry it out. Not to mention this was the first time Rin's had an episode in front of any other human being.
Through the all encompassing experience of panic, in the corner of her mind, the twin fell even deeper in love for her. She was thankful beyond words that Lily didn't abandon her despite seeing Rin in her worst.
Some time had passed. Her breathing, though heavy still, stabilised.
"You idiot," she whispered. "Why are you still here?"
Lily bent down and planted a smooch on the side of Rin's face. "I won't let anyone hurt you."
"I don't deserve you."
"Shush. I chose this. I chose you."
Sniff. "But, like..."
"No. No buts. The only but I accept is your butt right there."
Rin laughed softly. Then, she laughed harder, and that seemed to do the trick for the most part. "You're such a dumbass."
"I'm sorry if I did this to you," Lily said cautiously.
"You didn't. This happens to me from time to time. It's how I process all the stress."
"Look, let's not talk about Tom for now, okay? We can do that tomorrow, or the day after that."
"Thank you." The twin finally turned her head to look at her lover; she sighed with relief that that was over, giggled again and pulled Lily in for another small kiss.
"How about you tell me how you found out?"
"Found what out?"
Rin lifted her head and moved backwards to lay it down onto Lily's lap. "You know. Girls."
Lily kept caressing her forehead and scalp. "There's not much to tell. I've had it pretty straightforward. Once my classmates reached puberty and we were clearly divided into boys and girls in our heads, I noticed I wasn't like other girls. I wasn't falling for any boys and had to turn down a couple date invitations because I simply wasn't interested. And then I found out I had a huge crush on Bonnie Wright who I obviously never met, and when I tried to talk to other girls about their celebrity crushes, they couldn't understand why my crush of choice was female. That's when I started thinking I might be different."
"And when did you come out for good?"
"That would have been right before we moved here. But since my parents didn't approve of it and since I didn't have anybody to talk to about it, I pushed it back. And then I only started to care that I was a lesbian once I met Rachel."
"That's... such a strange word to me. Like, it holds so much weight now, I'm scared of saying it."
"I was scared, too. But you know what? It's just a word. Once you're able to say it out loud and know it describes you, it's the most liberating feeling in the whole wide world. After you've been denying it for the longest time... it's like you finally allow yourself to be happy as you are, like you officially stop trying to be someone you're not."
The twin smiled. "I admire you so much, Lil."
"Thank you. You have all the time you need to figure yourself out. I'll be right here if you need help."
"I wish I hadn't tried dating dudes before I met you. Everything would have been easier."
"I don't know, Rin. Maybe you had to try it to realise it wasn't for you. Does it matter?"
Rin carefully narrowed her back and turned around to face Lily. "It does to me. I'm at the point where I doubt everything I thought I knew about myself. I'm still afraid of what's to come. And I'm still not sure of who I am. I wish I didn't have to face all that first thing in the morning."
Lily crawled forward and held her in her arms. "It's unfair that you're going through so much trouble. I want nothing more than to make it go away."
"Thank you for saying that." Rin hugged her back tightly. "Although, those sound like great lyrics, don't they? I'm afraid of what's to come, I'm not sure of who I am..." she sang into the girl's ears quietly, making up a random melody on the spot.
"Now you can say that I'm your inspiration," Lily commented and pulled away.
Rin purred contentedly. "A little. But then this song would've had to have a happy ending. Like, I don't know anything but you give me courage to face it."
"Do I? I sure would be happy to. But that's also a shit ton of responsibility, you know that?"
"Yeeah. Sorry about that. But you said you chose me so I'm afraid that's part of the deal."
Lily held the twin's head in both hands and smooched her again. "We should go to sleep now. It's late."
Rin suddenly felt tired after everything that happen within the last few hours. "You're right. Let's."
The tall girl reached for the blanket and once they both laid down, she pulled it over them. They were facing each other and held hands, the blanket barely big enough for the both of them. The twin kept replaying everything in her head. At first there was still chaos and fear, but as her thoughts calmed down, the images of Lily's naked body, the intensity of her touch and her quiet moans creeped themselves back into Rin's mind. There was no way she'd be able to get rest with those ideas.
She began to caress Lily's hand, and when she got no reaction, she whispered: "Lily? Are you asleep?"
"Yes," her companion replied.
"That's too bad," said Rin, and her hand creeped impossibly slowly up Lily's arm. "There was something else I wanted to ask you."
The girl stayed quiet, but she took that as a dare for her to continue. She moved closer and the journey of her fingers continued to make way around Lily's shoulder and down her spine. And there were the goosebumps again. Once her hand was on her lower back, Rin pulled her even closer and proceeded to place a row of pecks up her lover's neck.
"Come on, Rin," Lily suddenly panted. "I have to work in the morning..."
"Shhh. I'm not falling asleep-" (peck) "-until we do it again. And neither are you."
Lily gave in and was suddenly all over her. "Speaking of happy endings..." she remarked between the smooches.
The twin bit her ear lobe gently and whispered: "Show me how you like it."
She woke up around midday, expecting the warmth of the tall girl's body still next to her. The bed, however, was empty. Rin wiggled and looked around the room, now bathing in the daylight. There was no sign of Lily except for a handwritten note on the nightstand:
I had to leave for work. You sure know how to tucker a girl out! Call me when you're awake. And there was a heart drawn at the end of it.
The twin smiled, but then groaned and splattered back on the bed. Last night was unbelievable, otherworldly. Now was the time to face the real world problems again. Unless she could prolong the illusion that Lily and she were now securely together and everything would magically resolve by this simple truth.
She kept laying on her back, slowly processing everything, and eventually reached the conclusion (based on various sensations) that the bed sheets would definitely need changing after they got wild on them two times in a row. She got up and, still nude, took the used bed sheets straight to the washing machine. She knew where it was, she had a sudden bladder emergency after their second round and had to pay a visit to Lily's bathroom (much to her dismay because she had the same problem but was two seconds slower than Rin). The twin filled the machine, scavenged for detergent and turned it on. Since she was partially responsible for the mess and wasn't at work, she might as well help clean up.
The next thing she realised was that her mouth felt stale. Of course she didn't have her own toothbrush as she didn't expect staying overnight, and because she didn't want to use Lily's, she found her toothpaste, squeezed a little bit into her mouth and tried her best to spread it around her teeth using her tongue. Then, Rin's thirst and hunger became an issue; she went back to the bedroom and, in one swig, emptied the tea Lily had made for her the night before. Afterwards, she remembered she was supposed to call her, and she rummaged in her trouser pockets for her phone.
Once she took it out, she instantly noticed she had two missed calls: one from Tom, the other from her brother. The twin took a deep breath, realising now she should have told Len that she was leaving the house. She tried calling him back, but he didn't pick up. At first, she thought he might be at school, but it was Sunday. How unfair that Lily had to work today.
Better make our band profitable asap so that she can quit the job, the twin thought to herself, and then cursed. Shit. It's band day. Just as she anticipated, the many responsibilities start accumulating and she started to hear her anxiety subtly knocking at the door again.
Okay. Focus, Rin. One thing at a time. She closed her eyes for three seconds. Priorities. You've got this.
Since she couldn't reach Len, and since band practice wasn't due for another six hours, she boiled down her top priority tasks to two – call Lily, or call Tom. What would she have said to Tom? There was only one thing lef to say: that she was no longer interested in him. But was it right to discuss this over the phone? Wouldn't it be better to meet in person? People usually frowned upon phone break-ups, claiming it was indecent. But...
If she was honest, calling Lily was the only thing Rin actually wanted to do. Unless the bass player wanted to tell her something hurtful-
Don't be silly, she immediately shut herself up. Look at the cute note she wrote for you. She's not mad at you or anything. Relax.
The twin took a breather and dialed Lily's number. It rang for a long time, and her heartbeat quickened in a mixture of anxiousness and disappointment that the girl might not pick up either.
Finally, there was a click, and then a familiar voice: "Good morning, sunshine!" And the world seemed to be spinning in the right direction for the moment.