Deacon

He was glad he hadn't gotten too much pushback from Rayna. Talking to Dr. Keller had clearly been the right thing to do. He had struggled with Rayna's initial reaction and wasn't sure how to make his case other than to be an ass about it, which he really didn't want to do. That's when he thought about Maddie's pediatrician. Before Maddie was born, Rayna had been very focused on finding just the right person. She had made him come with her as she had interviewed several pediatricians who had been recommended to her. He didn't participate much, but she seemed to know all the right questions to ask. Dr. Keller was young, but not too young, and had a very warm, caring way about her. Rayna had felt at ease with her responses to questions, more so than with any of the other doctors they'd talked to. So she was the choice. He'd taken Maddie to see her several times and had to admit he'd been impressed with how comfortable Maddie was with her. So it had made sense to seek her out to see if what he was asking made sense.

He was sitting in the waiting room with a number of other parents, mostly moms, and their children. Maddie was fidgety, although he'd told her they weren't there for her. It was funny, Maddie hated going to the doctor, but once Dr. Keller was in the room, she'd laugh and smile. One of the nurses came to the door. "Mr. Claybourne?" she called out, with a smile.

"Let's go, Maddie," he said, taking her hand. Maddie took 2 steps and stopped. He looked down at her. "You're not here to get a shot."

She gave him a wary look. "You sure?"

He smiled. "I'm sure. Come on." They walked back and the nurse led them to an exam room. He sat in one of the chairs and pulled Maddie onto his lap. She sat still for a minute, then pushed back.

"I wanna sit up there," she said, pointing at the exam table.

"You sure?"

"Yes." He shrugged and got up to lift her onto the table. Just then the door opened, and Dr. Keller walked in.

"Hey, Deacon," she said, then looked at Maddie and smiled. "Hey, Miss Maddie. How are you today?"

"Not sick," Maddie said with a frown. Dr. Keller laughed and patted her on the leg.

"I told you, sweetie," he said. Then he turned to the doctor. "I wanted to talk to you about Levi." He sat back down, and Dr. Keller sat in one of the other chairs.

"He's doing really well," she said. "Rayna brought him in last week and he's just adorable."

He smiled. "Thanks. Anyway, I wanted to bring him over to my house whenever I have Maddie, but Rayna seems a little unsure about that. She says he's too young."

Dr. Keller shook her head. "Of course he's young, but there's no reason he can't do that. And it will be good for both of you to have that bonding time. For him to get used to being in your home and with you. I know Rayna's breastfeeding, but she can provide you with breast milk to take with you so Levi doesn't miss out."

"So it's okay for me to kind of insist?"

"I would just let her know we talked and that I thought it would be a really good thing for Levi. The research shows that the earlier a baby can make those connections with a non-custodial parent the better. Ease into it so that you give both Levi – and you – a chance to get used to it. He may be extra fussy at first, being in a new environment and away from Mom, but he'll adjust. Babies are good like that. You might even want to talk to Rayna about scheduling some of his appointments so that you can bring him in. Help Levi know he can count on Dad to make things alright." She smiled.

He felt a sense of relief. "Great. I really want to do this, so thanks for letting me come in and talk to you about it." He stood up and she did too.

"I'm glad you did. And I'm happy that you'll be doing this for Levi. Tell Rayna she can call me if she wants to talk about it. I'm happy to do that." She looked at Maddie. "I know you didn't get a shot or anything, but would you like a roll-up?" Dr. Keller always gave Maddie a roll-up treat when she came in.

"Yes!" Maddie cried. Dr. Keller opened a drawer and got one out – grape, Maddie's favorite – and handed it to her. Then she turned and put a hand on his arm.

"Good to see you both," she said and then left the room.

He picked Maddie up. "Let's go, sweetie."

He had gone out and bought a crib and then, before Rayna would bring the kids over, had gone and bought the rest of what he needed. He put bedding on the crib, made sure he had plenty of diapers and baby clothes, burp cloths and baby towels. He planned to paint the room a light blue and got a mobile for the crib, as well as a nightlight. He still had the music room furniture in the room, but he pushed it all up against one wall. He'd have to figure out what to do with it later. He stood in the door and looked back at the room, satisfied it would be ready when Rayna brought the kids over.

He had a writer's round at the Bluebird the night before Rayna was going to bring Maddie and Levi over. It would be Levi's first time at his house and he had offered to let Rayna bring them so she would feel comfortable that he had everything set up right. She had still been hesitant when they had discussed details, but they settled on half the week for Levi. He knew she was nervous. He was nervous too, but he felt confident he could do it.

It was late as he was driving home. There had been a lot of fans who'd wanted to take pictures, get autographs, compliment his new material. Since he'd been back from Luke's tour, he'd spent time writing. He'd taken Maddie to the cabin for a few days and got some good writing time in then. He was feeling good about what he had and was looking forward to trying it out after the new year. As he drove through the darkened streets of East Nashville, he took a turn he normally didn't take. He drove slowly down the street. It was close to midnight, so most of the houses were dark, but a few had lights shining warmly in living room windows.

He pulled over to the curb, across from the house he and Rayna had lived in for so many years. The lights weren't on except for the outdoor light by the front door. He'd really loved that house. Rayna had too. She'd moved out for a while, back when he was struggling the most, lived in an apartment in the West End, but even when she wasn't there it had always felt like she was. It was a lot like the house he lived in now – real hardwood floors, lots of dark wood trim, large stone fireplace – but it had felt more like a home. He could feel the emotions in his chest as he kept looking at the house. Sometimes he wished they could go backward in time, back to when love and music were all they needed. So much had changed. He'd thought they'd be together forever. That was always the plan. It wasn't that he didn't love her, it was that he wanted something different. He knew that if he'd let her, she would have persuaded him to keep doing what they were doing, and he'd have been frustrated. He just needed more, and he'd struggled with how to make her understand.

He swallowed over a lump in his throat. Sometimes late at night on a quiet bus ride from one place to another, he would wonder if he had done the right thing. He'd made a choice though and he was determined to see it through, to wherever it led him. He'd either get there or he wouldn't and then he would see where things were. He took a deep breath. He didn't need to sit here, thinking about the past. He needed to move on, to the future. He put the truck in gear and pulled back out on the street, heading for home.

Rayna

She got out of the car and then opened the back door, getting Maddie out. She carried her around to the sidewalk and set her down. "Sweetie, stand right here and wait for me," she said.

"No!" Maddie cried. "I'm going to see Daddy." And before she could stop her, Maddie ran to the steps that led up to the house.

She sighed, then opened the other door and reached in first for the baby carrier and then for Levi. She placed the carrier on the sidewalk then carefully placed the baby in the carrier, making sure he was fastened in snugly. He was asleep and she thought he looked so tiny and fragile, even though he really was neither. She was nervous though, despite her conversation with Dr. Keller, who had reassured her this was a good thing. She and Deacon had agreed to ease into the new arrangement, which had made her feel a little better about it. She lifted the carrier and turned towards the house. She saw Deacon standing on the porch with Maddie and she put a smile on her face and headed up the steps and then up to the porch.

"Hey," he said. "You want me to go get their things?"

"That would be great," she said, gratefully handing him the keys. She was determined to have this be as civil as possible.

He inclined his head towards the door. "You can go on in." She smiled gratefully and then turned her head to watch him go down the steps.

"Mama," Maddie said, and she turned back to her daughter, who was standing inside the doorway. "Come see my room."

She walked into the house, stopping first to look around. It reminded her a little of the cottage they'd lived in for so many years, even though it was clearly different. But it had the same kind of dark wood trim around the windows and the doors. It had a large fireplace in the living room. It felt cozy. Then she followed Maddie down the hall and stepped into her room. Her breath caught in her throat. The room was painted a light lavender, just like her room at home. There was a beautiful rainbow painted in muted colors on one wall and a line of music painted over one window in dark purple. Maddie's bed looked comfortable and cute, piled high with stuffed animals and pillows. There was a rocking chair in the corner with a table next to it that was covered in books. It was the perfect little girl's room. "Sweetheart, this is so cute," she said.

Maddie twirled around. "I love it!" The room was smaller than the one she had at their house, and it somehow seemed cozier and more welcoming.

"Maddie, here's your bag." She turned to see Deacon in the doorway as he dropped Maddie's overnight bag on the floor. He looked at her. "I can show you Levi's room." She nodded and followed him.

It was the room at the end of the hall. When she walked in, she saw most of the furniture they'd had in the music room in there, pushed against the walls, along with several of Deacon's guitars on stands. She also saw the crib, dresser, and changing table, all set up and ready for Levi. She looked at Deacon, who seemed to be waiting for her approval. "This looks great," she said.

He reached then for the baby carrier. "I'm sorry. I shoulda got that from you before."

She shook her head. "It's okay."

He set the carrier on the table that was shoved up against the couch. Then he reached in and, after unfastening Levi, picked the baby up carefully and settled him in the crib. She had swaddled him before leaving the house, so he was ready for his nap. She watched Deacon stand at the crib for a moment before he stepped back, looking at her. "How long's he been asleep?"

"He fell asleep sometime on the ride over. I fed him just before we left so that you wouldn't have to worry about that right away."

He nodded. "I put everything in the fridge and the freezer." He looked around the room. "I'm gonna get the room painted and move this other stuff out. So it'll feel like his room." She felt a little emotional. This would be the first time she was apart from Levi, and she was feeling a little hormonal about it. Deacon seemed to sense that. "It's gonna be okay, Rayna," he said, kindness in his voice. "I got it all under control." She wasn't sure about that, but she knew she'd have to trust him.

"I'm sure it'll be fine," she said. "But you can call me if you need anything." She sighed. "I guess I should go." She turned and walked out of the room and down to Maddie's room. "Maddie, honey, I'm going."

Maddie jumped off her bed and ran over to hug her. She squatted down and pulled her daughter into her arms. "Bye, Mama," Maddie said, her voice muffled against her shoulder.

"Bye, sweet girl." She pulled back, looking into Maddie's face. "Be good for your father and help him with Levi if he needs it, okay?"

Maddie nodded solemnly. "Okay."

She stood up then and Maddie ran back to her bed. She turned and looked at Deacon, thinking he had an understanding look on his face. "We'll be okay," he said.

She nodded. "I know," she whispered. She walked to the door, and he stood back, letting her walk out into the hallway. She headed for the front door, turning back when she got there. He gave her a half smile and handed back her keys. She tried to smile. "If there's anything you need..."

He nodded. "I know. I think we'll be fine though."

She breathed in deeply and put her hand on his arm. "I'm sure you will. I'll see you on Wednesday, I guess, to pick up Levi," she said.

"Yeah," he said, his voice quiet. He opened the door for her, and she walked out onto the porch, then turned back. "It's gonna be okay, Rayna." He paused. "Thank you."

She nodded, then turned and walked down the steps to the walkway and then out to her car. When she turned back to look at the house, he was gone, and the front door was closed. She felt a pit in her stomach, not just because she was worried, but because it felt like a real milestone for them. They were moving on. He was building a life without her, and their kids would be learning to live in two households. The hurt she'd felt was beginning to morph into some anger. She thought about what she'd said to Deacon when they had formalized this arrangement. Being family doesn't mean I'm happy about where things are. It's going to take some time, and a lot of effort to repair that. She had agreed to a 3 month trial with Levi, with the idea that they would revisit the length of time then. What she did know for sure was that she needed to get on with her own life now.

She got in the car and headed back towards home, the pit in her stomach not going away.

Deacon

As he drove back over to the other side of town, after dropping off Maddie, he thought about how things had gone. He was glad Rayna had brought them over so she could see that he'd had things set up for Levi. It had been a bonus for her to see that Maddie was well taken care of also. He did understand her nervousness about Levi being away from her. He remembered how protective she'd been of Maddie when she was first born. Of course, that was when he wasn't so far removed from rehab and every single thing that they went through had been a test of his sobriety. But now that he was 5 years in, he felt more in control. Not that he ever let his foot off the gas, but he'd learned how to manage ups and downs and he'd latched on to ways to stay the course.

It wasn't that there had not been challenges. Levi was still a newborn after all and he did all the things newborns did, things he remembered from when Maddie was a baby. He'd been extra fussy about taking the bottle, even though it was Rayna's breast milk. It was hard to get him soothed at night. Sometimes Maddie was uncooperative and would act out, especially when he was having to tend to Levi. Being the one to get up at night every time he needed to be fed had been exhausting. He'd forgotten how often Maddie had done the same thing, mainly because Rayna had taken care of it. It had been the right decision to ease into Levi's visits. He didn't regret having Levi at his house, but he thought it would work better like this.

He had been surprised at Maddie's reactions. Of course, he hadn't had the 2 kids together before. He did remember Rayna talking about age differences between kids and what she thought was optimal, even though they really had never sat down and made a conscious decision about timing. He didn't know if it was the age difference or the fact that Levi was a boy, but it worried him that she seemed disinterested. Since he was a newborn, Levi required a lot of attention and he wondered if it was that. He had asked Rayna what she thought and she had given him something to consider.

She walked him to the front door. He stopped and turned to her. "Can I ask you something?"

She nodded. "Sure."

"So, something I noticed was that Maddie kind of seemed like she was mad about Levi. She didn't do nothing to him, but she'd kind of, you know..."

Rayna smiled. "Act out? Be rude?" He nodded. "She does it here too. She seemed excited at first about a new baby, but when she found out it was a boy, she was less than enthusiastic. She never said anything to me about wanting a sister, but I think she's just having to adjust to having a brother instead. And – and I think you know this is true – she's kind of a diva and she liked having all the attention. Now she has to share or, more accurately, she's not getting the bulk of the attention." She looked away for a second, then back. "I know this is kind of delicate, I guess, but I think part of it is that we're not together. There's no... tag team to handle that."

He nodded. "I understand. Makes sense. What do you do about her?"

"I try to do some things for her that are special. I give her a lot of attention when Levi's sleeping. I think she'll adjust. I'm just trying to be patient."

"She did try my patience." He smirked.

"Just make sure she gets undivided time with you as much as you can. And reassure her that it won't always be like this."

He smiled. "Okay. Thanks."

"I think as much as we can be aligned on things like this, the better things will be. For both of them."

"Sounds good." He opened the door. "I'll see you in a week then."

He thought about what she'd said about being aligned on how they dealt with Maddie and Levi. He could see her point on that. And the fact that they lived their lives between two households didn't make things easier for their kids. Maybe they weren't meant to be together, but they had to be together about raising their children. He hoped that by doing that it would ease some of the tension between them. Couldn't hurt.

He met with Rita right before the holidays to talk about plans for 2004. He walked into a downtown restaurant he'd never been to and wasn't sure he was dressed appropriately for. He was a musician and a songwriter, an artist, but not one who dressed up in fancy clothes. He was a jeans and boots and flannel shirt kind of artist. But he'd traded the flannel shirt for a white buttoned shirt and a jacket, so he hoped that would work. Rita was already there and as he walked through the restaurant behind the hostess, he glanced around and saw that he was fine. When he got to the table, he sat across from Rita. He smirked. "I thought this was gonna be too fancy for me," he said.

She gave him a tight smile. He wondered to himself if she ever had fun. "Lunch is always a little more casual. Thanks for taking the time today," she said.

"What's on the agenda?"

"Touring, demos, summer." Just then a server came over and they ordered drinks. When the server was gone, Rita looked back at him. "How available are you during the January through March timeframe?"

"Wide open. I mean, I gotta be sure I got time for my kids, but nothing else going on."

"Good. I've already lined up some spots for you." She reached into her bag and brought out a sheet of paper that she handed to him. "I'll email this to you as well. But as you'll see, I've outlined some places I've booked you into or am booking you into, along with some studio dates to do demos."

He looked over the list and was surprised to see larger venues. Some he was familiar with, others he knew about but had never been to. Almost all of them were 1,000 seats or more. He looked up. "You sure I can fill these?"

"I wouldn't book you into them if I wasn't sure. Maybe you don't realize how opening for Luke Wheeler elevated your visibility. The whole reason for doing that was to get you to this place." The server came with their drinks and then they looked over the menu and ordered.

"So when does this get me to the next step?" he asked, after the server left.

Rita frowned. "This is the next step," she said.

He shook his head. "The next step is those 3,000 to 5,000 seat venues. Maybe you forget I had some experience with that. I'm just looking at the future, Rita. This is kind of big deal for me, considering everything."

"I'm counting on these venues to help move you forward, Deacon. And then another year opening for a major artist."

"Like who? You got something lined up?" He knew he was being a little pushy, but it was something Rayna had done back when she was in the same position. She never sat back and let things happen. She was always pushing to get to the next place. He'd given up too much to not do the same.

She arched her eyebrow. "That was something I wanted to talk to you about. It looks like we're going to get an offer from Tim McGraw."

Tim was a major artist, comparable to Luke, and he was pleased that it wouldn't be a step back. He smiled. "That sounds good."

"I know you weren't thrilled with Luke, although I think you matched up well there. But you'll get exposed to a different demographic with Tim and that will be beneficial." She flashed a sly smile. "Luke wasn't happy that I turned him down for next year, according to his people."

"He offered?"

She nodded. "He did. But like I told you, I don't want you to get tied too closely to anyone. Plus, I thought he wasn't really the vibe you wanted either."

"Oh, he's not. So this sounds good." Just then the server was back with their food, and they paused the conversation to eat.

Rayna

She drove over to the Edgehill Republic offices. When she got to the 10 story building, she drove into the parking deck and parked. She took the elevator to the ground level and walked across the street lot to the building. There was still snow on the ground, although the streets and parking lots were cleared. It had snowed 3 days earlier and was still freezing cold, but at least the sun was out. She and Maddie had built a little snowman in the front yard that she'd noticed was looking a little lopsided. In another day or so it would probably be mostly, if not all, melted away. Winter in Nashville was unpredictable. There could be snow one day and then 2 days later it would be 70 degrees.

She walked up to the elevator inside the building and pressed the button. When she had signed with Edgehill back when she was 19 years old, it had been a fledgling label in a little rundown house off Music Row, not that far from where she was now. As she had grown the label had grown and she privately thought she'd had a lot to do with that. She had burst onto the scene with her first album, Cowboys Love Too Hard, which had gone triple platinum by the time she was 20 and had been her ticket to the big leagues, opening for stars like George Strait and Vince Gill. Edgehill had moved to their current building in 1998 and they now had their eyes on some property being developed downtown. The elevator doors opened, and she stepped in and pressed the 9th floor button. Then she stood back and waited as the elevator rose.

When she got off, she walked right into the lobby of the label. The receptionist recognized her. "They're down in the small conference room, Ms. Jaymes," she said. She smiled and waved and then turned to walk down the hall.

When she entered the room, she saw that Rick Wilson, the head of the label, was there along with Bucky and Watty. "Hey there, Rick," she said, putting her hand out. Rick took it in his and patted the top of her hand with his other.

"Good to see you, Rayna," he said. "Congratulations on the record. Number 1 for 8 weeks and still in the top 5."

She slid her hand back. "Thank you. I'm very proud of it."

"You should be. Listen, I know you're here with Bucky and Watty to talk about this year's tour, but I just wanted to tell you we're glad you're back, getting back out on the road. I know your fans are going to be happy to see you."

"I hope so." Rick walked out then and left her with Bucky and Watty. Rick had only been in charge for a couple of years, taking over for the founder of the label. She liked him, but it sometimes felt like, to her, that he was too much of a money guy and not enough of a music guy. But the label was prospering and that was good for her. She sat and looked at Bucky and Watty. "So, we're going to talk tour?"

Bucky smiled. "Yes. I'm assuming you're ready?"

"I am."

"How long do you want to be on the road?"

"Like we normally are. I've got Hannah to help with Maddie and Levi so we're ready."

"I'm assuming we want to try to get everyone back."

"If they're available, yes."

"I think most of them, if not all, would come back, but I'll go ahead and check and let you know." He pushed a sheet of paper across the table. "I've done a preliminary schedule and wanted to see what you think."

She pulled it over and started to go over it. She looked up briefly. "I'm so ready to get back out there," she said with a smile. It was time to get back in the saddle and she was more than ready. "Let's start to plan."

After Bucky left, she and Watty stayed behind. "How are you feeling about the tour plan?" Watty asked.

"Good. It's ambitious but I think it's just the right places. And I'm excited to get out there and showcase the new music."

Watty took her hands in his. "How are you doing, my little songbird?" Watty had been both a mentor and a friend from the beginning. She trusted him completely and knew he always had her best interests at heart. In many ways, he was the father Lamar Wyatt had never been.

She smiled. "I'm good. Levi is growing like a weed, changing every day it seems like. And Maddie is finally taking on the big sister role, now that Levi isn't a needy newborn. They're adjusting to all the changes, Maddie particularly."

"How often do you see Deacon?"

"Just when he picks up or drops off the kids." She sighed. "You know, it seemed like right after Levi was born, things seemed to ease up a bit, but you know, we're just trying to coparent and be supportive in that way. I don't want Maddie and Levi to feel anything but loved and cared for and he seems to feel the same."

"Where do things stand between the two of you?"

She shrugged. "We're separated. We live in separate houses. We have a visitation schedule. It feels like a lot of one step forward, two steps back. None of this is easy."

He smiled encouragingly. "You're strong. You're a survivor. And I think maybe this separation could be a good thing for both of you. Figure out what things look like going forward."

She smiled at him, but she wasn't sure if any of this was a good thing. What she did know was that she couldn't let it get her down. She was excited about her tour and getting her band back together to start rehearsing. She was getting started on a new beginning.

Bucky had called her and asked if she wanted to perform at the Opry the last Saturday in January and she had, of course, said yes. She tried to make sure she could be there anytime they asked her. She wanted to be invited to join, something that had been a dream of hers since she'd first started out, and she believed that being available was a key to that. She was standing at her mirror, checking out her outfit. She was wearing a black dress with a full skirt which was belted at the waist. The dress itself was sleeveless so she was wearing a short jacket that was both colorful and sequined. She added a statement necklace, chunky earrings, and plenty of rings and bracelets. She stepped into a pair of black velvet stilettos and left her hair loose and tumbling over her shoulders. Her hair and makeup team had come over and styled her hair in gentle waves and expertly applied her makeup.

She ran her fingers through her hair one last time, satisfied with how she looked, and then walked downstairs. Hannah had come to babysit, and she was reading to Maddie while Levi entertained himself with a ring rattle. "Tandy should be here any minute, but I wanted to be sure to see y'all before I left," she said.

"Mama, you're so pretty," Maddie exclaimed.

"Thank you, sweetheart. Can I get a hug?" Maddie jumped off the couch and ran around to wrap her arms around her legs. She reached down and patted the back of her daughter's head. "Be good for Hannah, okay?"

"I will," Maddie said, her voice muffled.

"We'll be fine, Rayna," Hannah said.

She patted Hannah on the shoulder. Hannah had been with her since she'd resumed touring after Maddie was born and Maddie adored her. And Hannah loved Maddie and Levi. Maddie let go of her and she walked around to the baby swing and squatted down to look at Levi. She rubbed his head and he made little gurgling noises and she smiled at him. "You be good too, little man," she said. She stood up, then leaned over and kissed his forehead. She kissed Maddie as well, just as the doorbell rang. "Oh, that'll be Tandy," she said. She walked back around the couch and lifted her hand in a wave. "I'll see y'all later." She picked up her purse and headed for the door.

She was in the Women in Country dressing room that night, one she particularly loved. The furniture was all in soft colors, the lighting was flattering, and there were pictures of her female artist heroes on the wall. She especially loved the couch, which was curved slightly. Every time she saw it, she thought that she wanted one just like it. When it was her time to go out on stage, she and Tandy walked behind the production assistant to the side stage. Her friend Pam Tillis was also there that night, and she was the one introducing Rayna for her segment.

As she walked out on the stage, waving at the thunderous applause, she hugged Pam, and then headed for the microphone. She stood in the circle, smiling at the audience, waving her hands. When they finally quieted down, she leaned in. "Hey y'all," she said. "I'm so glad to be back here at the Opry and performing for you tonight. I have a couple songs from my latest album to do for you, but I wanted to start with a song that isn't a traditional country song. I heard it recently and it really spoke to me in a very personal way. I hope you like it. It's called And So It Goes."

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes and so it goes
And so will you soon, I suppose...

After she walked off the stage, she headed for her dressing room, getting stopped on the way by so many friends and people she knew. It had felt great to be back on stage again, back where she belonged. Her record had exploded. It was 4 times platinum and still going. She'd already had 2 number 1's and another single rocketing up the charts. Tour dates had been firmed up and announced already and she was itching to get back out on the road.

Life was settling down for her. Maddie was in pre-school and loved it. It had made such a difference for her. She was coming around to being a loving big sister to Levi, who was growing like a weed. He was a happy baby, good natured and easy. She and Deacon finally seemed to be finding a middle ground for the two of them. It had started when they had both come to the realization that, more than anything, they loved their children and wanted them to feel loved and safe. There had been a silent agreement between them that Maddie and Levi would always come first and that they would not do anything to make them feel otherwise. While she still sometimes wished things had gone differently, she had finally come to terms with where they were in their lives and she was excited about what was on the horizon for her.

She had sent Tandy home with Bucky and was sitting in her dressing room as she heard the voices outside the door start to diminish as people finally started to head for home. She wanted just a few more minutes sitting in this dressing room that never ceased to amaze her. Sitting amidst some of the greatest female artists had always been inspiring and after having performed a couple of songs she'd written to honor female strength, she'd felt like she was being held in the arms of all the women who'd come before her and inspired her, as well as the women she was walking alongside.

She sat back on the couch and reflected on her time on stage. It was always a privilege to stand in the circle and she had welcomed the warm and enthusiastic reception she'd received. She'd carefully chosen the songs she wanted to perform. The first was one she'd heard purely by chance, but it had spoken to her in such a deep way that she knew she needed to include it. She reflected back on the words in the final verse – So I would choose to be with you, that's if the choice were mine to make. But you can make decisions too, and you can have this heart to break. There had been a fair amount of tension between her and Deacon, but it felt like they were finally being honest with each other.

Deacon was getting to live his dream and she had sadly realized that things were as they needed to be for him to do that. He was right in a way, he did need to make his own choices and make his own path forward. She was pretty sure she'd never not love him, but it was time for her to let go. He was still her family and she was still his and they were trying to figure out how to do that so they could be good co-parents for their kids.

She and Deacon had had kind of a come to Jesus meeting a couple months earlier and, while there was no kumbaya moment, she'd felt better about being able to speak her piece. That meeting had come to mind when she'd heard the song she'd performed that night and it had given her the resolve to take back her life.

It was the day after Thanksgiving. A cool day, but the sky was cloudless and blue, the sun bright, lending some warmth to the air. She had dressed warmly – jeans, a sweater, and a leather jacket, with a scarf loosely tied around her neck. When she arrived at the bend in the creek that wound its way through Belle Meade, he was already there. He turned his head to watch her as she walked down the little rise and then looked back over the creek as she sat on the stone wall. She left space between them, not wanting to get too close. They sat silently for several minutes.

He wasn't wearing sunglasses and she saw him squinting as he kept looking over the water. "Thanks for coming," he said finally. She didn't respond. He was leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees. "It seemed like we needed to talk."

She let out a bitter laugh. "I think we should have talked a long time ago, Deacon," she said.

He looked down at his feet, then over at her. "Yeah, we should have. I'm sorry about that."

She shook her head. "I'm so tired of 'I'm sorry', Deacon. You're sorry but nothing changes. And this trying to rebuild our family" – she used her fingers to add quotes to the word family – "didn't feel like it lasted very long."

He looked up, then ran his hands over his face. "It don't really feel much like you want that, Rayna."

She looked at him and frowned. "Are you serious? You know, I appreciate you wanting to be part of Maddie and Levi's lives, but all that feel good stuff right after Levi was born seems to have vanished. We can both be parents, but we're not united. We're not doing this together, which is what I thought we both wanted." She could see a twitch in his cheek.

"It feels like you're waiting for me to fail. Just like you did before. You're constantly checking to be sure everything's all right." He used quotes around all right. "I feel like I can't breathe." He took a deep breath and turned to look back over the water. "Kinda the way I felt before."

"Before? You mean when you basically threw us away? When you went off and did your own thing and didn't seem to care about Maddie and me? When you didn't seem to care about Levi before he was born?"

He turned his head and glared at her. "You were trying to smother me, Rayna."

"I was not!" She knew she had raised her voice, the main reason she thought this would be the best place to meet. "I just wanted you to talk to me, Deacon! To tell me what was going on, to not make me feel like I was having to pull it out of you line by line." She stopped and clenched her fists, breathing in and out. "I'm so angry at you. And I'm angry at myself, for letting it happen or for thinking one thing or another would make you change your mind and come back." She let her breath out one last time and then felt the fight go out of her. "Why did you want to meet me, Deacon? Why did you call me?"

One of his hands had been clasping his other wrist and she saw that hand tighten, much like hers had. He stared out over the water, then back at her. "I thought we needed to talk," he said. He was frowning, either from the sun or whatever anger it was he thought he was entitled to. His jaw was tight. He took a deep breath. "I guess we can skip over some a this, since you already told me how you felt." He paused. "I don't wanna fight with you. I am sorry I messed this up. And I am sorry we never talked about it before. And I guess I gotta accept the blame for all of it."

She made an angry noise. "You guess?" She saw his jaw twitch again and she could tell, from the tenseness in his body, that he was trying not to blow up. She breathed in. "Go on."

He looked down again. "I ain't got any excuses. I wanted to do this career thing and I know I didn't go about it the right way. I'm not asking you not to be mad or hate me or whatever it is you feel. It's fair. I deserve it all." He looked up, then back over at her. "I love Maddie and Levi. I want to do the best I can by them. I know I didn't do right by you before Levi was born and I regret that." He looked straight ahead again. "It's like I said before. I don't want to fight with you. We are where we are, but I just don't think it's got to be a war between us." He looked at her. She couldn't read the look on his face or what was in his eyes.

"I'm so angry with you, Deacon," she said again. "I think now that I have a clear head, I'm embarrassed that I sort of let you off the hook on things. You hurt me, you hurt Maddie, and you're hurting Levi too. We'll figure it out, because we have to. For our kids." She breathed in. "You've damaged something in me, though, that maybe can't be fixed. I don't know. But for now I'm just angry and I think I'm going to be angry for a while."

"So where does that leave us?"

She sighed. "We're Mommy and Daddy to our children. We're not together and the pain from how you did that is real. In some ways maybe more than when you were drinking." She ran her tongue over her top lip. "I want us to eventually be able to co-exist beyond just being parents. I grew up with parents who fought and when they weren't fighting, they weren't communicating. I really don't want that to be us. But I think it's going to take time. And patience. Can you understand that?"

He breathed in and sat back a little. "Yeah." He paused. "I don't want us to be fighting forever. I feel like I gotta take on most of this because I was the one who left. I want this career though, Rayna, or at least I want to give it everything I got. I just didn't feel like I could do it the way things were. It may be that I'm wrong in the end and maybe we end up just being parents to 2 great kids and nothing more. Or maybe we figure out how to be that family. Where we're not angry at each other all the time."

She didn't say anything for several minutes. Arguing wasn't going to change things. But she wasn't ready to just let it all go. That was the part she needed to keep separate, though. The focus needed to be on their kids. Then she looked at him. "I hope we can do that too. If I'm honest, it feels like right now we're a long way from that."

That was the way the conversation ended and shortly after they each left, separately. So she'd made a resolution to start the new year, one that she'd kept to herself. She had resolved to just let him move on with his future and this new life and to put aside her heartbreak and anger and build a new life for herself as well. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then got up and got her coat. She walked out of the dressing room and through the mostly quiet building to the exit, where her car was waiting for her.

I'm ready to live my life and make peace with the past, looking to the future. Nothing's going to stand in my way.