"Kissing knuckles"

Chapter 20

Her hands were so sweaty that the phone almost slipped from her hands. Nearly immediately after she had dialled his number, Robert picked up. His voice sounded a little tinny through the speaker.

"Uhm, hello, Cora," he said in a tone Cora detected as uncertain.

"Hello, Robert," her throat constricted painfully as she answered. It was strange to hear his voice again. It made all different kinds of things with her. Her heart made a little leap but something heavy settled on her chest. They had a whole lot of troubles to work through, Robert and she.

"You called," he stated slowly. It was as if he still had to process the fact.

"Yes, I did. I… uhm…" she cleared her throat. This was so much harder than she imagined. "I got your flowers," she brought out.

"I see." There was a little pause. "Well, I hope you like them."

"Oh, yes! Yes, I do." Cora still lay on the couch. She fell asleep there a few hours earlier and when she woke up, she made a lot of plans about what she should do first. However, she skipped every single one of them. She didn't get the glass of water for her dry throat. She didn't listen to her distressed bladder. She didn't get a proper meal. Cora immediately went to the one thing she couldn't stop thinking about. She picked up her phone and called Robert.

"I'm glad." And he really sounded relieved.

Cora sat up a bit straighter on the couch and brushed her free hand over the morning coat she was wrapped in. She gathered her nerves and took a deep breath. She had to do this now. Robert and she finally had to talk plainly. No non-sense.

"Well, I also read your note. I get that you want to apologise," she began.

"You, you read it?" he asked.

"Yes, I did. And I want to thank you for the gesture. But…" she thought about how to put it properly.

"But?" Robert sounded a bit desperate at the other end of the line.

"But I don't know if you have to apologise more than I do. I know I said that I was angry with how you handled things. Well, or not handled things for that matter. But maybe that's just the point. I think this whole thing has gotten messy. It's gotten quite out of hand, and you are not the only one to blame for that."

There was a growing silence on the phone. Cora was dying for his answer. She didn't want to mention the second part of his letter. She was rather sure it wasn't meant for her eyes, and she wanted him to say it to her. He should want to say it to her. She had also realised that the whole drama was probably on her. Robert was just being Robert. And after all, she had set it all up. The entire time it was her doing. It wasn't on Robert that he didn't act according to the script in her head.

But now he was silent, and Cora did absolutely not know what to make of it.

"Robert?" she asked cautiously.

"Yes, sorry. I'm just trying to understand what you said. Are you still cross with me?"

"That's not the point. I wanted to say that things have gotten messy and we're both at fault somehow. I am definitely to blame." She hated it when Robert avoided the obvious issue. "But is there something you want to say to me?" she asked. Cora waited for him to take the initiative and talk about his feelings a bit too. She wanted him to assure her that what she read was true. Robert probably didn't know she read about his feelings. But if he really meant the words he wrote, he would want to let her know, right? Why was he holding back like that right now?

This wasn't fair. Cora squeezed her eyes tightly and pinched the bridge of her nose when she felt tears stinging at the rim of her eyelids.

"Uhm, I… I don't know," he started, and Cora already felt a sob travelling up her throat. "I- I am happy you called and… I like hearing your voice," Robert said. It made the pain a bit better. Cora wiped her nose with the back of her hand and caught herself again.

"That's nice," she gave back.

"I still don't know what you're getting at," Robert admitted. Cora thought, she didn't know what he wanted either. But she would have to make the first step then.

"What I mean is that I feel we have to talk about what it means that our thing has become so messy," she gave back.

"Uhm, alright," he said. He took an audible breath and added in a more certain tone, "I'm happy you want to talk to me again."

His hopeful voice stirred something within Cora again. "Yes, I really want to talk, Robert. I want to work things out," she ensured.

He sighed loudly. "I'm so glad!" Cora could hear the smile in his voice. "When would you like to talk?" he asked.

"Alright," a chuckle escaped her throat at his sudden eagerness, and she surprised even herself with it. "I'm actually not feeling my best today," she said, not mentioning her hangover explicitly. "How about we meet tomorrow at that bistro Rosamund once recommended?"

"Sure. But are you alright, Cora?" Robert asked a little worried. The sound of her name from his lips elicited a flutter in her stomach. Her blood rushed warmly through her veins.

"Absolutely. It's nothing really." And then they fell back into silence. Cora didn't know what she expected from this call, but the weird tension between the two was not normal for them. If there was tension it had always been a different kind. But right now, they were treading on eggshells. It had never been that way.

"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then," she finally said.

"Yes, I guess."

"At 11 am?"

"Alright."

Cora got up from the sofa and walked to her bedroom.

"I'm looking forward to it," Robert added and Cora could slap herself for the way her stomach made a somersault at his statement.

"Fine, see you then," she gave back.

"Bye, Cora." She quickly hung up and threw her phone onto her unmade bed. Why was she thinking that this was a good idea? She was losing herself in him again and her long-lost heart was so foolish to take this awkward conversation as a happy make-up between them. Cora didn't know how she should be able to act rationally tomorrow, but there was no helping it. She had a date with Robert tomorrow and she couldn't cancel it now. It wasn't a "date" date but it was very important for their relationship.

Cora was standing next to her bed and opened her closet now. She had to pick something to wear for tomorrow. It shouldn't matter what she would be wearing but at the moment, she couldn't think about anything else. What would Robert think when he saw her again? They had seen each other from afar at work, but tomorrow they would meet deliberately just to see each other. That was a whole different deal. Cora wanted to look pretty but this wasn't about winning his affection or seducing him. Maybe she should settle for something more modest. She grabbed a black blouse from a hanger and rummaged for a fitting skirt. When she held the blouse and a grey woollen skirt though, it made her feel a bit depressed. She shouldn't make more of a sad affair of it than it already was. So she stuffed the garments back in the closet and kept looking for an appropriate outfit. But it was hard. She couldn't even decide which message she wanted to send. It was impossible like this to find the right outfit.

Cora was a bundle of nerves when she tried to slow her steps on the way to the bistro on Sunday. This was worse than a job interview and there was nothing Cora hated more than job interviews.

She was much too early. Unable to wait any longer, she left her flat before it was time. But she didn't want to stand in front of the bistro for longer than fifteen minutes, so she tried to walk as slowly as she could. The small bistro was already in eyeshot though after no time. Cora stopped a few shops from their meeting point. She straightened her coat and mustered her appearance in the shop window. Her hands quickly brushed through her hair, which was straightened as usual. She pushed her old bangs behind her ears. She had put on her pearl earrings and the inherent pearl necklace today. After hours of despairing about the outfit question, she had changed her mind last minute. Now, she wore a figure-hugging turtleneck dress in light blue. And for the special occasion, she had put on some heels.

As she saw herself now in the reflection, she was rather content with how she looked. She had also done a good job with the makeup. The dark circles under her eyes were covered quite well. She nearly looked like a woman who had an uncomplicated first date to look forward to. But her prospect for today wasn't uncomplicated in the least. As she wasn't as light-hearted as her appearance might suggest at first sight.

She took a deep breath and tore her eyes from the shop window. She turned and looked down the pavement. To her surprise, she saw an anxious Robert already waiting in front of the bistro. It seemed she wasn't the only one who was overly punctual.

She steeled herself with another breath and made her way to Robert with her arms slung around her waist. She had a slightly queasy feeling in her stomach and she was afraid her knees might buckle. The way to the bistro now seemed much longer. The moment Robert caught sight of her, her fate was sealed. She couldn't go back now. It was too late for that.

Robert's eyes widened when he saw her. He took a few steps in her direction but didn't move far from the bistro. The fists that he had buried deep into his pockets created bucklings in his coat. Cora could see that he was nervous too.

When she finally reached him, she felt a little short of breath even if she had only walked a few steps.

"Hey," she said. She stood in front of him. Her arms were still crossed in front of her midsection.

"Hi, Cora," Robert replied, and again there was this flutter in her stomach when he said her name. She hoped this wouldn't keep her from handling this situation sensibly. The two of them stood in front of each other and both were unsure how to handle this. Robert kept his hands deep in his pockets and Cora kept her arms around her waist, so there was no hug, no kiss on the cheek, not even a handshake. "Should we go inside already?" he said.

"Sure."

Robert held the door open for her and Cora stepped inside where luckily it was considerably warmer. She looked around and tried to find a suitable table for them. The was a free table in the farthest corner. It was the table where Robert and she had sat the last time they had been here together. She wasn't sure if it would be the wisest choice to sit there.

"Look," Robert pointed out. "Let's sit there!" And he already sought their table. Cora gulped. She hummed her agreement, being much too overwhelmed by the impact of today's date. There were about to sit down and as Cora wanted to take off her coat, Robert quickly moved closer to help her. She felt his presence behind her and froze slightly. Her arms just weren't able to move as fast, and a small whiff of his aftershave hit her nose, bringing a bunch of memories with it. She breathed deeply. This was so hard. This was just so hard. It took all of her restraint to not turn around and throw her arms around his neck. The power this man held over her was truly frightening. But of course, Robert was the gentleman he always was and slipped the coat off of her to put it over the backrest of her chair. He offered her a soft smile before he took off his own coat and sat down in front of her.

Cora kneaded her hands as she felt Robert's eyes on her. She looked cautiously at him and his tender expression alleviated some of her anxiety.

"You look lovely," Robert remarked. Cora's face broke into a smile and she couldn't do anything about it.

"Thank you," she breathed. And before she could think about it properly, she said, "It feels so good to see you again." She felt the heat rise on her cheeks and looked down at her hands on the tabletop. She brushed a strand of hair nervously behind her ear.

"Really?" Robert asked. Cora felt that she might have been too quick. She had instantly been charmed by sheer flattery and had jumped to the next but one stage. She simply nodded in response.

Robert then produced the menu from nowhere and started talking about what to eat. He was talking too much and Cora couldn't concentrate. She had to get her feelings under control in order to think properly. When Robert was studying the drinks, her mind got a little clearer.

Cora had a goal. She knew what she needed to be happy and that was Robert committing to her – to them – fully. She couldn't give in to another lukewarm and half-hearted hint of a relationship. And she realised now the full extent of her feelings for Robert. She was utterly lost. Cora had reached a point where she couldn't be in Robert's presence without losing her mind. It was a slap to her face when she realised that she couldn't be just friends with him anymore. She needed him to be with her completely or not at all. This had to be the outcome she had to work on. God, how she needed him! But she wouldn't beg him. This was not what she wanted.