Chapter 3: I Was Blind
Elizabeth closed her door firmly and took a deep breath as she stepped down her stairs. She held closely her basket of baked goods white-knuckling the handle to still her shaking hand. Jack skipped freely along eager to see his neighbors…and why wouldn't he? They had poured so much time and love into helping raise him. Lately, they had seen more of him than Elizabeth had. Regret crept back in as she remembered how often Laura or the Coulters changed their plans so she could be alone with Lucas.
At first it seemed to make sense, but as time wore on it became more apparent that Lucas didn't intend to build a relationship with the boy—only his mother. Lulled into a mirage of candles, fancy dinners, and romantic picnics, Elizabeth treaded on chasing the fancy and throwing off what was real for what numbed the pain of loneliness and grief.
She could see now how often she took advantage of her friends' kindnesses. Always taking and never returning.
She paused between houses not sure where to begin or even knowing how to move forward. She seriously considered turning around and retreating for a better plan of action.
But Jack knew none of his mother's struggle, so onward he plodded and knocked on Auntie Rosie's door anticipating her warm greeting.
He wasn't disappointed as Rosemary dropped down to his level and enveloped him in a warm hug. Her head leaned against his as her hand cradled his cheek.
Peering over Jack's shoulder, her eyebrow raised taking in Elizabeth who was frozen in place in the grass between their homes. It wasn't the first time recently that Rosemary had sized up her friend wondering which version of Elizabeth would visit her today and what favor she would request now. As of late, it was the only time she saw her neighbor it seemed.
Elizabeth dipped her head in an quick prayer and took one sluggish step forward, and then another, and then another. Shame causing her to feel like a lamb being led to slaughter. But this was Rosemary—her dearest friend and confidant. Their relationship had been through so much already over the years. Surely they could overcome this mountain of her making too.
Rosemary cautiously stood back up with guarded eyes and waited—giving Elizabeth the chance to explain her visit.
Elizabeth awkwardly fiddled with her basket—pulling back her tea towel to expose the freshly baked muffins.
"I…uh…brought you some muffins." Elizabeth muttered barely able to look Rosemary in the eyes.
Rosemary squinted in confusion, stepped back, and placed a hand on her door.
"Please. Come in …both of you."
Elizabeth breathed a sigh of relief and followed Jack into her best friend's home as he settled himself on the familiar floor to play with his wooden Mounties.
"Rosemary…I…I'm not just here for muffins. I just…I don't even know where to start," Elizabeth relented.
Rosemary smiled in sympathy and patted the chair next to her.
"We'll start with muffins then."
Elizabeth let out the breath she didn't realize she was holding.
Both women sat in companionable silence eating their muffins and sipping their tea. It spoke volumes of the hurt between them as the usually bubbly blonde sat quietly contemplating—peering over her tea cup observing her friend. She was consciously choosing not to fill the tension between them.
There had been enough glossing over with second and even third chances. If this friendship were to continue, both parties would have to start participating. Rosemary had shouldered the load alone for long enough.
"Rosemary, I…" Elizabeth tried again looking up. "I have so much to apologize for, more than I even know I'm afraid. I stopped seeing you…as a person I mean…and I treated you like a sounding board for myself. Only, I didn't even want to hear what you had to say…I just wanted you to tell me what I wanted to hear. I…I'm so sorry Rosemary."
Rosemary blinked with tears filling her eyes and nodded almost imperceptibly.
Elizabeth continued, "I was so afraid, but you have always been kind and honest with me. It was the honesty that I think I feared the most and so I pushed you away. I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that."
Rosemary broke their eye contact and sipped her tea. "Well, that was some storm last night," Rosemary spoke plainly.
What? Elizabeth's brow crinkled in confusion.
"These walls are paper-thin Elizabeth. You were shouting at a picture frame."
Oh. That.
Elizabeth flushed and dropped her head in embarrassment.
"Lee thought you were hurt, but then we saw you through the window. We prayed for you. What happened Elizabeth?"
"God." Elizabeth muttered looking down again into her nearly empty tea cup. "I realized last night that I've been hiding from myself and living a lie so I don't have to face the pain…"
Elizabeth looked down at her wedding rings as she twisted them on her hand.
"…or face the fear of losing the love Jack wants me to find. I'm trying to stop running. It's been so long…I don't really know how anymore. I just know I have to stop. I can't keep running away from my thoughts and my fear. I stopped journaling. Did you know that?"
Elizabeth looked up at Rosemary with tears blurring her eyes, but seeing with clarity long absent.
"I suspected it," Rosemary admitted, "it is so good to hear you facing the truth. It's been a long time Elizabeth."
Rosemary paused and sipped her tea reflectively.
"It was hard, you know, watching you turn in on yourself. I wanted so badly to shake you, but anytime I did you pushed me away further. And so Lee and I found ourselves walking on eggshells. It was hard. I was hurt and confused. I wanted to pull back, but Jack needed us and I owed it to his father. I tried to stay within the lines you allowed, but still you pulled away. "
Rosemary put down her tea cup and reached out a hand to her long lost friend who grabbed it like a lifeline. Rosemary squeezed her hand supportively as she continued.
"Lee and I felt like we were tiptoeing around. Joseph's sermon a few months back about the disciples wiping the dust from their feet reminded us that the only thing we could do now was to give you back over to God and to pray for you. I couldn't save you from your decision—nor should I. …We have prayed for you for so long now Elizabeth," she said with tears staining her cheeks. "So yes, I forgive you. And I forgave you a long time ago."
"Oh Rosemary, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you, but now I see that I have. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Rosemary."
"I forgive you Elizabeth. And I promise next time not to tiptoe when you need to hear the hard truth regardless of how that affects our relationship. The Lord taught me plenty in the waiting for today. I feared losing you, Elizabeth, and because of that I wasn't the friend you needed."
"You have nothing to apologize for Rosemary." Elizabeth said dropping Rosemary's hand and crossing the space between them to hug her dear friend. Elizabeth pulled back and looked earnestly into her dear friend's eyes. "You tried to tell me Rosemary, and after what I learned last night…I probably wouldn't have heard you anyway."
"Well…I do have my wise moments," Rosemary chuckled with glistening eyes. "Now, more tea? We have a lot to catch up on and I have missed my friend."
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A/N: Scripture reference for Joseph's sermon. The context is Jesus' instructions to his disciples when he sends them out to share the gospel. If they are not received well in a town and are not listened to they are told to:
"We wipe even the dust of your town from our feet to show that we have abandoned you to your fate. And know this—the Kingdom of God is near!"
Luke 10:11 NLT *
The Bible: New Living Translation, open-source
I felt like this also applied to Rosemary and Lee. They could warn Elizabeth, but if she wouldn't listen they would have to "dust their feet" and leave her to the consequences of her choices. I also like the implication that the Holy Spirit was giving this same message and instruction to them and to others as you'll hopefully see in the coming chapters. ;)
Easter egg: apology muffins—is that even a thing? *shout out to my TN Twitter friends who also found mere muffins and a non-apology appalling in s8.
I hope this felt real. Rosemary deserved better!