Chapter 4: Fall Into Grace
After a full morning with Rosemary, Elizabeth felt equal parts relieved and full of dread as she hurried towards town before she changed her mind. An early nap for Jack at Rosemary's, paved the way for Elizabeth to be free to make amends in town with Nathan. After hearing that Lucas had swung by last night to break their courtship and not to request another dinner date, Rosemary practically shoved Elizabeth out the door to find Nathan now.
It was good to have Rosemary back and fully in her corner again. Of course, she had never really left, but resentment and fear had a way of rewriting the truth. That was behind them now. Thankfully. One heavy weight was off of Elizabeth's shoulders, but her restitution list remained long.
Onward she tread, as she rehearsed in her mind how in the world to start and what all to say in apology. She was mere steps from the Mounted Police office now and she felt no closer to a decision than when she started out from Rosemary's. Apparently, raw honesty and vulnerability would have to do…and maybe that was best.
After pausing for just a moment at the steps, Elizabeth took a breath—completely unaware of the attention she drew to herself speed-walking through town with her head down as a woman on a mission. More than one citizen found the nearest door and ducked inside lending a silent prayer for their dear Constable. By the looks of Elizabeth, he was going to need it.
She knocked once on the door and pushed it open. She paused at the threshold taking in Nathan just looking up from his paperwork and sitting at his desk.
A familiar rush of butterflies took hold as Elizabeth immediately took in his piercing blue eyes exuding warmth and kindness she didn't feel she deserved.
He smiled automatically at the first sight of Elizabeth as a series of emotions crossed his face before settling on cautious curiosity with a hint of dread.
It was time.
Though he fought the reaction, an invisible wall erected between them—a learned response from his recent interactions with her to protect himself. It was much like he learned as a child to handle the uncertainty of his own father.
"Can I help you, Elizabeth?"
"Hi Nathan, is now a good time for you? I know we spoke earlier, but…well…I was all sorts of a mess…as you know…"
Nathan smirked at the memory—instantly relaxing as he sensed her nervous ramble. As she continued on, he sat forward and rested his elbows on his desk propping his face on his fists. He was clearly enjoying himself as she anxiously detailed her flour-faced embarrassment before she trailed off at the sight of him.
"You're enjoying this…" she said with her voice taking on a bit of her teacher tone in playful irritation.
"I am!" Nathan laughed cocking his best lop-sided grin. He liked this unpolished Elizabeth. It was refreshing after being on the receiving end of her proverbial dunce cap the past several months.
"Well…nevertheless, I came to apologize for my horrible treatment of you and even of Allie," Elizabeth shared quickly and somberly before she could retreat. She took a seat opposite Nathan's desk.
Elizabeth rooted her feet to the ground to stop her legs from shaking. Her flight response urging her to run had waged war with her voice and resolve to continue on. She knew she owed Nathan an apology at the very least.
Nathan straightened up and sat still now. He was in a bit of shock at the sudden change in tone and waited for the rest of what Elizabeth had to say.
"I never meant to hurt you…and yet I know I did many times. I am so sorry. You have been so dear to me and I badgered you—caring more about my answers and my own hurt than I did about your heart and your reputation. I questioned your integrity, your intentions, and I didn't give you the benefit of the doubt. I was easily angered and I believed what I heard about you from Lucas. None of these things were fair or warranted. And still you cared for me, protected me, honored me…" she choked out as sobs took hold and she covered her face.
"I forgive you Elizabeth. I already have."Nathan reached out his hands automatically to comfort her before freezing and pulling them back—uncertain how to best comfort her in their current muddied acquaintance.
Wiping the tears from her eyes, Elizabeth looked back up at an increasingly conflicted Nathan. He was stiff in his movements, but with compassion and forgiveness written in his eyes. She had completely missed his inward struggle on if it was appropriate to touch her and so she noted the stiffness, but assumed it was pain.
"Nathan, I'm so very sorry. I don't know how to make it right with you. I don't even know how to properly apologize so I hope you'll allow me to continue to apologize as I learn more about how much I hurt you. Please. Tell me what I couldn't see. I was so blinded by my own pain that I stopped seeing you. I apologized this morning to Rosemary for the same thing, but I know that with you I was even more cruel. I don't ever want to be the person I became." She paused as vulnerability shone in her eyes as she waited for whatever Nathan would share.
"Thank you Elizabeth," Nathan started, leaning forward and pausing a bit to give thought to his next words, "I've been very hurt for a long time and I didn't know what to make of it. I didn't know where I went wrong. I tried being honest with you by handing you my heart only to have you ride off…to Lucas." He couldn't hide the disdain his voice as he spat Lucas's name out before he heard his tone out loud and looked up apologetically. "Sorry Elizabeth, I guess the pain is still fresh…. What hurt the most is that we were never the same again."
"Lucas and I broke up," Elizabeth abruptly admitted. Shock colored Nathan's face followed by something that looked suspiciously like relief that flooded his features. Nathan slumped back into his chair as his mind whirled.
"I know I was wrong, Nathan, to ride off from you. I'm so sorry. I was scared and I know now that it wasn't about you at all, but I was hiding from my fear and pain." Tears streamed silently down Elizabeth's face as her shoulders drooped forward.
"Lizbeth, I know that you lost Jack tragically and that this serge is a daily reminder of him," Nathan added softly as he grabbed his serge and pulled it gently from his chest. "I understand why that would make you afraid."
"It was never about the serge Nathan. It was about control." Elizabeth sat up straighter with a fierce resolve in her eyes. "The serge merely reminded me of how little control I actually had over anything—and that scares me. I have never had power over… anything in my entire life…I finally saw that last night.
I have damaged all of my relationships trying to create this sense of power over my fears… to manage my pain instead of facing it head on. I…manipulated everyone around me so they wouldn't know how weak and afraid I felt." She admitted at almost a whisper.
Elizabeth stood and started pacing across the office as Nathan watched her sympathetically as she continued.
"Then you came along and you too had suffered deeply at the hands of grief. You still hurt, and yet you didn't hide. I wanted to be close to you to learn what you already knew, and yet at the same time it reminded me of how poorly I have handled my own grief. The closer I got to you, the more I saw my faults in light of your healing.
That's what I meant when I said that, 'I can't,' that day by the log. The difference in our grief was too glaring. It hurt too much to see myself so clearly. I should have leaned in and embraced that difference and been humble enough to learn from you. Instead, it felt threatening."
"Grief is not a competition Elizabeth."
"I know that now…. You know? …I live in a town surrounded by widows and all I could see was myself. My own pain."
"Grief can be like that," Nathan consoled.
"It can, but I used that crutch for years. It hurt everyone around me. Look at what I did to you and to Allie!" Elizabeth quickened her pace as her eyes glistened again in regret. Nathan stood then and closed the distance between them which stopped her in her tracks. Her hands trembled nervously.
He grabbed her hands—ignoring the sparks arcing up his arm. "I understand Elizabeth," Nathan soothed.
"My early days of grieving Colleen were far from perfect. Even now, I'll have days or moments that bring me right back to the start. Most of the time I don't even see them coming when something small will remind me of her. Other times, I'll anticipate it like on her birthday or on the anniversary of her death."
Elizabeth squeezed his hands in return as she rubbed her thumbs over the back of his hands unconsciously in a show of support. "You understand. I was and am so drawn to that..that deep knowing you and I have. I just never expected to feel this. I care so deeply for you and it terrified me that it grew so naturally. It's like I didn't choose to love you… I just couldn't help it."
Nathan swallowed—processing all that Elizabeth had inadvertently admitted.
"I don't even have to try with you. You just break down my defenses and my heart just spills out." Elizabeth continued as if in a trance seemingly unaware of her hand caressing Nathan's or her soul being laid bare. "I think what scared me was that I couldn't hide from you. I could push everyone else away, but you…you were steadfast and one look from you and it was like you could read me like a book." Her eyes raised cautiously to his which radiated love and forgiveness.
"I asked you once what was in your heart…" Nathan started carefully. He shifted his weight nervously as he squeezed her hand.
Elizabeth's eyes darted as her hand stiffened and withdrew—seemingly brought back to the present moment. Sensing the hurt in Nathan's eyes, she gently touched his hand again, "You did. And I didn't really know… I'm not sure I fully understand my heart right now, but Lord-willing I will grow and I will heal and I'll have a heart I can offer you."
Nathan smiled a sad smile, but a proud one. "That's all I can ask for Lizbeth. I waited for you then and I will continue to wait for you now if you won't run from me again."
"I won't…or I'll try not to. I'm learning to move forward…I think…it's all so new to me. I have lived a lie for so long it seemed like the first step was honesty. So here is my heart Nathan as I know it now. I don't have much to offer right now…"
"I'll take it." Nathan said perhaps a little too quickly. "I can't stop loving you…Lord knows I have tried. It's you. It's only ever been you."
A sob escaped Elizabeth's lips as she lunged forward seeking Nathan's comforting embrace as her tears fell softly against his serge.
And so he held her much like the hug after the prison transfer with her frame fitting neatly into his. And just as before, it was so natural it felt like breathing. Minutes ticked by as they held one another, but this time their very souls were intermingling with honesty long absent.
Finally, Elizabeth pulled back, wiped her tears, and smiled sheepishly. "So what now?"
"Let's start here. Let's keep talking…keep exploring what this is…and we'll see from there," Nathan smiled with a bit more twinkle in his eye.
"Thank you for respecting me," Elizabeth shared honestly.
Nathan's brow furrowed in confusion.
"Lucas would have pressured me for a date and unlike him, I actually still owe you one."
Pain flashed across Nathan's eyes as he swallowed. "I don't want to keep score with you Elizabeth. No owing. Let's just be honest with each other and stop hiding. I'm just glad I can string two-words together! He laughed softly at himself. You're an intimidating woman…you know that?" Nathan winked and flashed his lop-sided grin as he shifted his weight.
Elizabeth blushed. "So you say. Thank you for meeting with me. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I'm afraid I'll be saying that a lot still. I want this. And I have missed you." Elizabeth smiled returning to Nathan's embrace and the two were lost again in the moment. They stayed nestled together for several minutes until a new thought dawned and Elizabeth pulled back, but maintained her hands on Nathan's arms.
"Nathan, what about Allie? I have hurt her so much. I have to make it right to her, but I don't want to hide anymore either. What can I do?"
Nathan looked down at the space between them considering his options. "Elizabeth, Allie knows me so well. One look at me and she'll know something has changed. I couldn't fake a frown if I had to. I could float right through the ceiling!" Nathan laughed and the crinkle at his eyes warmed Elizabeth's insides.
How could I have been so blind? This man, this kind-hearted man loved me even through all of my faults.
In light of all that she had done, this kind of love took her breath away.
Lord, help me not to hurt him again. Elizabeth silently vowed.
In the span of a moment, Nathan decided the best course was to speak to Allie alone first and allow her to freely share how she was comfortable engaging with her teacher.
Elizabeth agreed. As the child and the hurt party in the relationship, Allie should dictate the first steps forward—and the first step could even be space to process.
"Allie and I are a package-deal just like you and Jack," Nathan gently reminded.
Elizabeth nodded in understanding. Her face tinged with regret. She had broken the trust of a child—one of her students no less! How had she managed to neglect the heart of one of her most precious students let alone also the heart of her own son? How do you heal from such blindness?
In despair over her own choices and behavior, she prayed. Lord, help me see again. Make right what I have made wrong.
"Amen." Nathan responded. Elizabeth looked up not realizing she had not only thought her prayer, but prayed it out loud as well.
"Elizabeth, I want to keep the lines of communication open between us. I don't want you to leave this office and then not hear from you again and wonder where we stand."
"I won't do that Nathan. I have to stop running. I want to stop running from you. Please approach me at any time if I feel suddenly distant. I'm learning, but I want to learn to be brave again with you," she shared earnestly gazing into his eyes.
Nathan squeezed her hands again and folded her into another embrace. He rested his head against her hair as he breathed in the scent of lavender and vanilla. He fought his every inclination to kiss her forehead—fearful to push her harder than she was ready for.
Elizabeth rested in his embrace feeling warm and loved and cared for. She had a long road ahead of her to make things right, but Lord-willing she would continue one step at a time.
—
A/N: Nathan's admission that he could "float right through the ceiling" is a direct quote from my husband's grandfather Edwin Hammitt. He was born in 1920 and often used this phrase to describe how he felt when he accepted Christ. When my husband and I started dating, Grandpa emotionally took me in as his own granddaughter. He is the only grandfather I have ever known and it was an honor to work one of his signature phrases into the story here. We lost him in 2018.
Fall Into Grace (chapter name) was inspired by Cody Carnes' worship song "Run to the Father" if you want to look it up on YouTube.
Run to the Father
Fall into Grace
I'm done with the hiding
No reason to wait
My heart needs a surgeon
My soul needs a friend
So I'll run to the Father
Again and again and again
Easter egg: Elizabeth's apology ramble is 1 Corinthians 13, but in reverse. Rather than being loving, she apologized for all of the unloving ways she had been treating Nathan:
"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NLT
(1 Corinthians was also her wedding verses with Jack so she would have known these verses well).
Thanks to Lynn nebula2, Sherri pn1thrasher, & Velda for being my willing beta-readers!