It has been five years. Five years since that fateful encounter in the little teashop.
Funny, since I'm not the type who believes in fate.. or destiny.. or whatever it is called. I believe in results, decisions, and… choices. After all, it is our own choices that directly affect what happens in the future; be it near or distant. With this belief in mind, I made it through life tackling and coming up with choices when even the most jarring and tight situations call for it.
I cannot predict what the future holds. I cannot predict the outcome of my choices. I never did, and I never will.
Back then, I have made the resolve to never regret a choice in my life. Regrets will only dull my future choices, and hinder me. And so it is this resolve that has pushed me forward since, and brought me to where I am now.
But perhaps, sometimes... somewhere along the way... things just happen and fall into place.
It gives me solace, that despite all the many wrong turns, obstacles, and hardships since day one, it seems as though things have eventually proceeded to the way I want them to be. Or at least hoped for them to be. And that even though we make our choices to the situations we're facing, there is still an unavoidable and invisible force... the force that brings the outcome of our choices to fruition. And perhaps, in some way... this force tells us that we are not entirely at fault for making those choices.
I've always considered myself a curse. A fucking curse. That despite being the so-called humanity's strongest soldier, and being part of the mysterious Ackerman clan who served as the King's protector for generations, I have continuously been unable to use that same strength to protect the people around me and keep them from dying. There was my mother, then Farlan and Isabel. Then I lost my trusted squad, Petra, Kenny, Erwin, and Hange...
For what purpose is my strength if I still end up having to lose the people I care for?
Back then, I probably wouldn't have been able to answer. But now, I dare say there is indeed a purpose; a purpose to this strength. That even though it may be a curse, I have put it and can still put it to good use. And perhaps, this is where that force called fate comes in.
A low groan escapes my mouth as I grit my teeth at the sudden jolt of pain. Tch. It is no longer as bad as before, and I can do well enough now without the wheelchair or the cane. But damned leg just had to make itself noticed. I guess I'm not getting any younger. I resort to rubbing the side of my thigh for a bit to alleviate the damned sensation.
Come to think of it. It is the same leg. The leg that I injured when saving that gloomy brat from the female titan is the same leg that she herself saved from being eaten in that final battle. Who would have thought how the tables would turn? I guess this was what she really meant about getting back at me one day. I could swear she has been out to kill me ever since that day in the courtroom. I allow myself to let out a soft chuckle at the thought.
What a brat she is. Strong, reliable, and would always have her head in the game. Out of all the members of the Scouting Legion, she has been the only one who can keep up with me. Never did I ever question her skill and prowess with the blade. Whether it be to slay titans or kill people, she would always get the job done. With that stoic and nonchalant expression on her face, she would efficiently push through the blood-stained battlefield, knowing the target and aiming for it without hesitation.
It is undeniable that with the two of us on the same team, a surge of power would rush within me. The kind of power that is felt when one knows what the other is capable of; that once combined, can procure something no less than the unimaginable.
What a brat she is. Such a stubborn woman. And heavy, for one. Hadn't I gone to save her that time, she'd have totally lost it. And she possibly would've ended up crushed in the female titan's clutches.
But that is one thing that I admire about her. Once she puts her heart into something, she goes all out. Neither standing nor death, is ever thought. It is times like these that she can go reckless. When her mind knows one thing but her soul follows another.
As I held her close, I thought to myself. This young woman is someone I need to… No. I want to protect. And I'd risk going through the fires of hell for the pleasure of having her safe in my arms again.
It was my choice to save her. I never once thought of blaming her for it, and I don't regret it until now. But if I were to live that moment again, I still would have done the same thing. Which makes me wonder...
Was it also her choice to save me back then? Or did she merely feel indebted? Was it her choice to come into the teashop? Or did she merely have no other shop options?
I still remember that encounter very clearly, as though it happened only yesterday.
"Captain?!" she was quite surprised to see me.
"It's just Levi. I'm not your captain anymore." A pause, "Not /a/ captain anymore."
"Uh- right." Another pause, "I.. I'd like a cup of black tea, sir. With an extra sugar, sir."
"Coming right up." I turned to begin preparing the ordered beverage but sneaked a glance over my shoulder, "And don't call me sir."
"Right. Sorry, sir." She must have noticed as she had quickly added, "Um, I mean.. Levi."
I could've sworn I had the widest smile I could muster plastered on my face that time as I was steeping her tea. I didn't even know why and what for, but I thanked the gods up there that she didn't notice. It's probably just the simple joy of seeing an old comrade after years, I told myself; and left it at that. And as I finally brought her the tea, she had quickly reached around her neck in trying to pull up the familiar fabric. Only that the said familiar fabric wasn't there.
"Forgot your scarf today?"
She had turned away quite shyly before responding, "I.. I left it behind.. for good."
That's new, I thought to myself, but it was about damn time too. I had questions, thoughts I wanted for her to address then. But knowing her, and seeing her reaction, I decided not to.
"Here's your order." And left the cup of tea, with a custard slice and some biscuits to pair it with.
"But I didn't order th-"
"It's on the house." A pause, "In fact.. everything is on the house."
I had my back turned to her then, but I thanked the gods up there once again that I was able to catch her small pleased smile from the reflection on the glass.
Whether it was her choice then or it was fate that worked on it doesn't matter anymore. The fact that I saw her years after the war ended felt like more than enough reason for me not to question a thing. And so, it became the start of many more encounters between us.
She would often visit in the afternoons, right during tea time. Must have been an old habit that has gone hard to break since military days, where all meals are taken altogether at the exact same time every day. Her choice of flavor must also be due to the fact that we had lesser options in the corps, considering times of limited funds.
Two retired soldiers just talking, keeping in touch, and… reminiscing the old days of war. Then when the titan brat and the scarf were finally brought up again, she hesitated at first. But eventually, she managed to gather the courage to open up.
"Levi…" she had her head dropped whilst glancing over to the side, before looking back up to meet me in the eye, "How do you move on.. from a loss?"
I was taken aback by the sudden question. This was unexpected from her. I've known about her losses before. Heck, having been part of the Scouts, this shouldn't be anything new. So why the sudden question now, I thought, and to me of all people?
I knew this was different. This was the titan brat she's talking about, after all. Of course, it would be that difficult. That's just how much that brat meant to her. I knew. But for some reason, I couldn't wrap my mind around the question. Or rather, I couldn't accept that she still had to ask that question... after all this time. A bitter tinge of jealousy gnawed at me and-
"For fuck's sake, Mikasa! Just find another man! With your beau-" a gasp, realization of the word choice dawned on me as I turned away from her gaze, tone falling a bit lower and quieter than normal, "With… with how you look, it shouldn't be that hard.."
I dared not look back, but I felt her eyes on me as though they were piercing through my skull. Shit. What the hell was I thinking, snapping at her like that? I always had a nasty mouth, but that wasn't my intention. Not rubbing salt on the wound. That raw emotion was now out in the open, and it's something I can no longer take back. And yet... somehow, somewhere deep within me, I had hoped... hoped that one day... this another man would be me.
A sigh.
"Look, my mouth is just being an ass. But what I'm saying is, you already took that first step. You let go of your scarf, that one shitty thing you've held onto for so long." A pause, "If you managed to do that, I don't see how you won't be able to move on."
It took everything in me to turn my head and face her again. I mentally prepared myself to see the distraught emotion I've caused in her eyes. And accept maybe a slap or a punch. Or even both. But the moment our gazes met again, I saw something different.
Her eyes were watery, but she wasn't crying. She was gleaming. Her face radiated what seemed like a sense of relief. It seemed as though she had been waiting for someone to tell her those words. The light reflecting through the window only added to her glow. And for a moment there, I was captivated.
Her next action and words didn't help as it led me flush into bewilderment, all as I was taking in the image of her leaning closer until we were merely centimeters apart. She had placed her hand on mine as she looked deeply into my eyes, determination sparkling from her orbs of gray.
"Levi... will you help me?" I couldn't help but stare back at her wide-eyed and at a loss for words.
Help? What did she mean by that? Exactly what kind of help, I thought, and again why me?
Several thoughts clouded my head. I suddenly felt a lump in my throat, and I desperately tried to swallow. My cheeks burned, and I was certain it was not because of the ray of light from outside. She must have heard a gulp as she had just as quickly stepped back. She too had wide eyes and her cheeks had turned bright red as she looked away.
"I.. I'm sorry.. I.. I didn't mean it that way.. I was just.." she still didn't look back and it looked as though her cheeks burned even more.
A pause.
Damn. One could hear a pin drop at the sudden awkward silence. And the muscle in my chest pulsated in such rapid force, I could almost feel it burst.
"I just… I just don't know who else to turn to…" another pause, "Everyone is living their own lives now. They are either busy with their diplomatic trips.. or with their significant others.."
Her voice faded at the last part of the sentence, but I was able to catch it. And I could swear that was a bitter chuckle she let out afterwards. I figured it all out then.
"Listen.." I finally spoke again, hand scratching the back of my head as I glanced up the ceiling, as though my next words were to come from there, "I don't know exactly how I can help you. But one thing is for certain.."
I turned to face her again, my own determination psyching me up.
"I am with you."
It took some time afterwards, before we came to terms with our mysterious Ackerman lineage. With the help of Queen Historia and the power of her status, we were able to at least have a glimpse of our ancient roots. Some run-down files and documents happened to be hidden within the oldest archives in the palace and have long been forgotten – or possibly kept for blackmail if the need arises. Our clan has been persecuted and hunted down, after all. But the queen finally gave it to us for safekeeping, and also as thanks for our services, hoping that it would help us gain a better understanding of our origins.
"I never thought our clan was this big!"
"All these people... have gone through experiments just to create their ultimate weapon. Only for them to be discarded in the end…" I gritted my teeth at the thought.
Then I suddenly remembered Kenny, and wondered if he in some way knew about this. He had a connection with Rod Reiss and once took that serum in knowing its purpose, so it wouldn't be surprising. If only we found out about this earlier, and if only he hadn't died, we might have had a good old talk about this.
She must have noticed that I spaced out as she suddenly nudged me, followed by pointing towards an old and almost faded hand-drawn portrait, "Look, this one looks just like you!"
She seemed all too enthusiastic about it, and so I humored her and took the portrait to have a closer look, "He looks nothing like me."
"But look at his hair!" she insisted.
"Just because he has the same hairstyle as mine doesn't mean I look like him, Mikasa."
"Still~!"
I knew she was teasing. Or maybe she was just happy to know about our clan members and think of the possibilities. And now that we're the only ones left, it would make sense that she was eager to learn more. She could have just gone to the Azumabitos and started anew from there, showered in all the riches they could offer and have a convenient life. She deserved that. But she had insisted that she also wanted to know about our connection through the clan, and unravel its mysteries alongside me.
There was something in that expression on her face that enthralled me as I observed her take the portrait from my hand. That smile, that damned smile. It seemed as though she was radiating a different kind of light. Observing her finally focus and choose things not by duty or obligation, but by her own free will, felt so refreshing to see. And it only made the already stunning Mikasa Ackerman even more beautiful in my eyes.
I am once again reminded that we no longer have to fight. That we have been finally freed from the pressures our superhuman strength imposed on us. That we have been finally freed from the responsibilities that befell a soldier.
It was just her... and me. Just the two of us. Together. Two ordinary people... free to explore and live the life ahead of us. And I may not admit it, but the mere thought of it suddenly made me feel giddy.
I still didn't know why she chose to ask me back then. But as someone who has gotten used to the thought of possibly not living another day, probably for the first time... in a long while, I finally had something to look forward to.
I take a deep breath as the cool afternoon wind gently comes blowing. And soon my gaze falls upon the yard in front, stretching out to a field into the horizon. The hill up ahead frames the glowing afternoon sun as it comes to its gradual setting. I never would have thought, that someone like me who grew up in the underground, would end up having a hill as a memorable place.
Mikasa grew up in the mountains before she was taken in by the Jaegers; and it turns out that she likes being with nature. We were having a casual walk in the outskirts of town one day, when we came across that hill. She seemed so fascinated by it that she had asked if we could go and climb it up. I simply couldn't refuse. And upon reaching the peak then, we enjoyed the pleasant freeing feeling of being on top of the world, seeing everything from above.
It was a different kind of view compared to standing atop the walls, flying with the gear, riding on top of a titan, or even being on that flying boat. The view from there was ethereal, calming, and steady – something that a turbulent life as soldiers could not possibly provide. It felt as though time was just standing still, allowing us to bask in the tranquility of the moment. And if I could, the moment I saw the brightness of her smile and the sparkle in her eyes as she gazed at the horizon, I would have gladly stopped time.
Since then, we spent our days together on top of that hill. She would hold me and assist me in walking as though I was still disabled, but she is just being a tease. We had even picked out a certain tree to be our favorite spot. It wasn't long before the place became our sanctuary; a place where we could just be ourselves... just the two of us together and away from the rest of the world.
After closing time in the afternoons, we would observe the sunset. And in the evenings, we would gaze at the stars. And it is on one of those starry nights, that I had decided to finally pop the question.
"Mikasa.."
"Hm..?"
She had been standing on that spot for some time now, that I wondered if my call only disturbed her. That spot had one of the most breathtaking views, especially at nighttime, so I couldn't necessarily blame her for being enthralled by it. But that small warm smile she gave as she turned to face me was more than enough relief.
"We've… we've been going out for some time now, right?"
She gave me a look of disbelief, and the rest of her facial expression only spelled out that it was the most obvious thing in the world. But her lack of words in response only added to my turmoil.
Shit. Why did my mouth had to ask such a stupid question with an obvious answer? I swear my mouth moves on its own sometimes. Damn it. She's never going to respond to that. Fuck that, she's never going to proceed with this conversation anymore. Shit. Shit. Sh-
A laugh.
"What's with the question? Of course, we have, silly! And we still are~"
It felt like my heart dropped at the heaviness of the relief that washed over me. Good. That was safe. More than safe, I thought. But it didn't help one bit, as the muscle in my chest pounded in a throbbing pace at the thought of bringing out my next words. But I had to say it somehow.
"I… I was thinking.."
"Yes..?"
"Thinking if you would want to.."
"Want to..?"
"If you would want to.."
"…."
"To stay with me.."
I had told her the exact same thing, back in that final battle, before she delivered the finishing blow. But this time was an entirely different situation. And the words held a much more significant and deeper meaning.
I saw her eyes widening in response. I couldn't tell if it was from shock, surprise, or she was still taking in what I just said. Until I mentally slapped myself as she still wasn't saying a word.
"I mean.."
I couldn't take the awkwardness anymore. I hurriedly took out the small box from my pocket. I opened it as I knelt down on one knee on the ground before her.
"Mikasa… will you marry m-"
I barely even finished the question when I felt her arms around me. I couldn't even react or say a word. I had frozen in place as she had squeezed me tighter, I could almost feel her heartbeat join with mine. But all the hesitations, all the fears, all the doubts... all washed away as I heard her say..
"Yes, Levi.. A thousand times, yes.."
The next thing I knew, her lips were on mine in a lingering kiss.
A sigh of relief escapes me as the pain on my leg finally subsides. But my eyes remain glued to the hill up ahead as I find myself smiling whilst in solitude. The sky is beginning to change color and soon it will be nighttime. I should bring the cane, just in case.
"Papa!"
I was just about to stand from the trusty lawn chair when the little boy suddenly perches himself onto my lap; a bright grin on his face as he glances up excitedly at me.
"Liam!" a woman's voice calls out as the figure comes rushing over, "We haven't finished tying up your shoes yet!"
"Mama!" the little boy shrieks as the woman finally reaches us, and gray orbs turn towards me.
"Sorry, love. I was chasing our son for a bit in getting him to dress up."
"Stubborn as always, I see." I chuckle, giving the boy a few pats on his head, "Just like his mother."
"Hey~" she pouts in protest, but lets out a soft smile anyway as she grabs the little boy from my lap to finish tying up his shoes.
I take in the sight for a moment; the sight of her tending to our son and fixing him up. The little boy still has that big excited grin plastered on his face, while she has a soft warm expression… and a few stray hairs sticking out of place on the side of her face, probably from that little chase.
She hasn't changed one bit, I think to myself. She is still the same beautiful and caring woman that I've known, admired… and loved years ago; with that act of putting others before even thinking of herself. And I find myself smiling once more.
She is my solace; the one thing I never knew I needed in a time of war, and the food to my once hungered soul. And who would have thought of me being worthy enough… to even deserve another?
I cannot predict what the future holds. But I'd fight forever to keep the two of you close…
"Mikasa.."
"Hm..?"
I keep staring at her as I grab my cane from the side and walk towards her.
"Is something wrong..? Something.. on my face?"
I reach up and brush my fingers through her stray hairs, tucking them neatly into the back of her ear, "Now, it's better."
She gives me a warm smile in return as I then feel a tugging on my hand.
"Let's go, papa! We look stars!"
"Right. The stars are waiting."
The boy continues to tug on my hand, and she grabs onto my other arm as we set foot for the hill up ahead.
I cannot predict the outcome of my choices. I never did, and I never will. But perhaps, sometimes... somewhere along the way... things just happen and fall into place. And all our choices will eventually lead us to where we're meant to be…
A/N:
I meant for this to just be a short one-shot to delve into Mikasa's inner hidden thoughts and conflicts in the aftermath of the war. But RM fans are very supportive across all platforms like Tumblr and AO3, so this turned into a two-part series which also included Levi's POV. And this is also my version of RivaMika endgame based on my own edited work. You may check it out on my DeviantArt here: bryhaven/art/RivaMika-We-meet-again-920320960
I've always wanted a Levi teashop, and there comes the thought of what if Mikasa suddenly happens to come into the shop not realizing it is actually Levi's? I feel that it's a good and subtle way to insert and imply a RM endgame, albeit open-ended, without forcing it and not changing much from the canon story. I'm also not exactly a JeanPiku shipper, but I find them cute anyways, so I also added them there ^^
The custard slice is a reference to an AoT chibi special or something wherein Mikasa was eating custard pudding. I also believe that Levi is not permanently disabled, just injured. And headcanon that his travels with Onyankopon and FalBi were to undergo more advanced operations to healing his leg well enough. Also I headcanon that despite the Ackerman persecution, there are still some records left regarding them. The hill is kind of a reference to Disney's movie "Up" wherein the couple, Carl and Ellie, will regularly climb up the same hill and be under the same tree for some bonding time ^^
I also loved writing those awkward Levi moments, since we all know how he is when it comes to expressing himself ahaha. And like I always say on my Tumblr, I headcanon for them to have a boy for their first child. And I decided the name Liam (pronounced lee-yum/lee-yam not la-yam xD) because I like the name (and maybe because of Liam Neeson? xD lol) and it also starts with L, which I'm sure Mikasa will like for their firstborn ^^
And Levi's first direct line (in the manga, which we didn't get in the anime urgh %* !) to Mikasa, "I'm with you." and one of his last, "Stay with me." yaaass, it just had to be in here.
Thanks for reading!
~Haven ( bryhaven on Twitter and Tumblr)