Okay this one had to be nearly completely rewritten from the previous version and I think you can tell lol. My writing has changed a lot in three years

The world was pain and sideways. Everything listed to the left, sliding sickeningly whenever I tried to open my eyes. Hungover was too tame a word for what was happening. Agony pressed its thumbs into my skull and squeezed tighter with each erratic beat of my heart. Stomach muscles spasmed and nausea permeated my very being. Eugh . I needed to move before I threw up.

Cracking my eyes open, I tried to gauge my surroundings. The light lanced through me like fire and I screwed my eyes tight in an attempt to neutralise it. After a few breaths I steeled myself and opened my eyes again. It wasn't as painful this time and I took it as a positive sign. My arms shook and every joint protested, cracking audibly, as I hauled myself into an upright position and rolled out of bed.

Half stumbling and banging into walls, I managed to reach the bathroom in time for me to throw up. Acid burned up my throat and I lay my head against the toilet seat in misery. I had not been this bad in a very long time. Normally, I stopped drinking when I reached a certain point of tipsy. However, my nerves last night must have gotten the better of me, resulting in the disaster that was my body.

Most of last night was still there, rattling around in my brain. I remembered the wedding and then the club, all the dancing and the laughter, but my memory towards the end of the night was patchy at best. After my near kiss with Kili everything started to get blurry. Somehow, I must have made it home safe but I had no memory of getting here. Thankfully I did, but being unable to remember parts of the night left me feeling very uneasy.

I have no idea how long I lay there. Time was still too syrupy for me to comprehend. My eyes closed at one point and I may have fallen asleep against the cool toilet bowl. I was jostled awake by someone's hand on my shoulder. They tried to be gentle but everything ached and I let out a disgruntled groan. The hand moved and I heard a soft chuckle. Opening my bleary eyes, I tried to see who it was. The image was a blurry mass of colour with no distinguishing features. It did not help that my hair had fallen in front of my eyes, obscuring my view.

Thankfully, the person reached over and tucked the hair behind my ear. Now unobstructed, I could see a concerned Kili, looking strangely vulnerable and uncertain.

"Are you okay?" Kili asked.

A red blush spread across his cheeks when I looked him in the eyes. That was an odd reaction. Kili was not a blusher, he usually left that job to me. However, the feelings of my insides dying held more precedence at that moment and I pushed it from my mind.

"Mmmeh" I groaned, lips curling downwards sadly.

Kili let out a small laugh at the noise I made.

"Don't laugh at my pain" I pleaded halfheartedly.

"I'm not, I promise," he said, though it was still with a smile on his face. "Come on, you'll feel better somewhere that's not a bathroom floor."

I grumbled as Kili reached under my armpits to haul me up but realised that it was ultimately stupid to resist. My legs were still shaky but with Kili's sure grip I was able to remain standing. I looped my arm through his, noting the strange way he jumped when I touched him, and made to leave the room.

Mum caught us in the hallway, looking profoundly unimpressed. "Oh my days Leah. How much did you drink last night?"

I wonder what could have clued her into my hangover? Was it the bird's nest hair? Was it the fact that I was still wearing the same dress from yesterday? Or was it my very pale complexion and sunken eyes? It was hard to tell really.

I rubbed my weary eyes. "I need love and sympathy right now Mum, I'm fragile."

"Okay Miss Fragile, go back to bed and I'll bring you some water and a bowl," Mum said, shaking her head and heading downstairs.

Kili led me back into my room and laid me down on my bed. He rearranged the pillows so that I was vaguely sitting up. My body protested at all the movements. It felt like if you shook me hard enough I would disintegrate like a dry sandcastle. Just a pile of atoms on the floor.

"How are you feeling now?" Kili asked, coming to stand closer to the bed.

"Not great" I said, "But better than being on the bathroom floor."

"That's good," He looked away, his hand was worrying the sleeve of his shirt, "Can you remember much about last night?" He said it in a joking manner but there was an undercurrent to his words, something he wasn't saying.

"Oh god did I do something stupid?" I groaned. "Did I get us kicked out of the club or something?"

"No, no...well actually we were politely asked to take you home by one of the guards outside," Kili smiled down at me.

Guards? Oh wait he meant the bouncers didn't he. Calling them guards made them sound infinitely cooler, however.

I doubted that was the thing Kili wanted me to remember but my mind drew an irritating blank. I looked back up to Kili, ready to demand he tell me, when my eyes were then drawn to his hair. A flash of something lifted to the surface of my mind, wobbling and wavering but clearly a memory of some kind. We were in a car I think–must have been a taxi–and my hands were in Kili's hair, running my fingers through the strands.

"Oh god," I covered my face with my hands when I realised "I touched your hair didn't I?"

I was mortified. It was such an invasion of personal space, especially considering that he was a dwarf. I had practically assaulted the poor guy.

"Well, yes. But you shouldn't feel bad about it," he said, trying to comfort me. "We could call it even I guess considering I braided yours yesterday." His cheeks went bright red and refused to look in my direction.

"I'm really sorry Kili," I said. He turned back to me then, seeming to be more calm now. "I'll have to make it up to you somehow," preferably when I'm not five seconds away from throwing up.

"I'm sure you will think of something, Leah."

The thought stuck around for days afterwards and I became determined to make him something. Something he could keep. In the end I settled on a scrapbook, a collection of all Kili's time here. As Kili was never shy about a camera, there were plenty of photos to go into it. Mum and Anika helped me choose the best ones and I ensured that there were plenty of silly ones thrown into the mix.

Deep down I knew this was more than a 'sorry' present. This was something I would have wanted him to have regardless. He should have a piece of this world when he goes back.

When he goes back.

I had been thinking about it a lot more recently. There were times when it felt like the sand in an hour glass was reaching its end. A tingling feeling in the back of your neck. Anticipatory, like I was holding my breath waiting for the inevitable to happen. If I thought about it for too long though my stomach dropped and I struggled to breathe for a moment.

The scrapbook itself was a dark blue colour with a gold picture of planet Earth embossed into the cover. Inside I placed all of the photographs, with little descriptions next to each one to help Kili remember them better. At the back there had been blank pages where I decided to write the lyrics to some of his favourite songs. That way he could sing them in Middle Earth if he wanted to. It had been difficult to choose songs as he seemed to say that everything was his favourite. In the end I chose the ones that I definitely remembered him enjoying.

It was difficult for me not to run to him the second it was finished. A part of me was desperate for him to see but another part wanted to make an occasion of it. This felt like a big deal and deserved a grander reveal.

The idea appeared as if by magic. An image of familiar woodland deposited itself into my head, calling to me with a strange powerful insistence. It was within walking distance and filled with sprawling trees and meadows of wildflowers. It was perfect.

Kili agreed to come with me, very eager and wholehearted. I stuffed the scrapbook into the bottom of my backpack and covered it with a jacket to keep it hidden. Then I hoisted it onto my shoulder and led the way. Kili followed along behind me, happy for a day amongst nature.

We found a well worn trail to forge our way through as we trekked through the forest. With each step I knew I had made the right decision, a persistent urging in my bones told me that I was going in the right direction. Yes, this way. Keep going.

After around an hour of walking we came across a small bench. It was as good a time as any to take a break. I swung my backpack off of my shoulders and sat down heavily. It felt nice to sit after all that walking. Kili followed suit and sat down next to me. But he looked nowhere near as tired as I felt.

Quite selfish really.

"Feels good to sit down," Kili said, reaching into his own bag and pulling out a water bottle. He took a decent gulp before holding the bottle to me.

"Agreed," I took the offered water bottle and drank greedily.

I handed the water back to him and lifted my bag onto my lap. The scrapbook in there seemed to increase in weight, the longer it stayed hidden. My skin prickled with nervous energy at the thought of showing him. It made little sense to feel this way, I was certain that Kili would love it, but something about the gesture felt momentous and significant.

"Hey Kili," I said, before I could back out.

He looked up at me when I said his name. The eye contact did nothing for my nerves so I looked away quickly, focusing on the zipper attached to my bag instead. "I made you something."

"Is it food? Because I'm starving," he said.

"How are you still hungry? You've already eaten all of the lunch we packed," I said, thankful for the break of tension.

"I'm a growing dwarf."

"Bullshit, I already know you're full grown," I smiled.

I took a deep breath to steady myself, before I unzipped the bag. It took a bit of wrestling but I got the book out and placed it on Kili's lap. His eyes widened at the sight, clearly not what he had been expecting.

His fingers traced the planet symbol on the front "What is it?"

"Open it," I said, nudging his shoulder.

Carefully, he opened the front page. All the breath left him when he saw the photographs beaming back at him. An amazed smile spread across his face as he flicked through the pages.

"This is amazing," he said, wonder in his voice. "You made this? For me?"

I nodded. The amount of emotion in his eyes made me a little breathless.

"Look at the back," I flipped towards the end of the book "They are song lyrics. I thought you would like to remember them."

His hand traced the pages, soaking in every detail.

"So you like it?" I asked

"Like it? I love it, Leah. Though it does make the gift I made you rather lacklustre in comparison"

"You made me something?"

Surprise was evident on my face, I had not been expecting that. Kili reached into his bag and brought out something. It was small enough to fit into his hands and he hid it from my view.

"Give me your hand," he said quietly. "And close your eyes"

I offered him my left hand, an eyebrow raised questioningly. At his pointed look, I gave in and closed my eyes. I felt the calloused skin of his fingers grab my hand before slipping something on to my wrist. After a few more adjustments Kili said I could open my eyes.

It was a cuff bracelet made out of soft brown leather. Along the middle I saw carved runes of Khuzdul. On either side of the runes, geometric shapes had been cut out so I could see my skin beneath.

So this is what he was making with all that leather.

"Kili, you made this?" I said, a huge smile on my face.

A blush made its way up Kili's neck. "Yes. I know it's not much. If I had more materials I could make it better. Add some jewels and a clasp but–"

"No, no, I love it," I put my hand on his cheek to stop his rambling. Making him look at me. "It's amazing. I can't believe you made this."

Kili leaned more into my hand. "I'm glad you like it," he breathed.

It would be so easy to kiss him right now. We were barely a foot apart, I could just lean forward and cover his lips with my own.

The prickling nervousness from before came back with full force and it took a concentrated effort to keep my traitorous heart in check. Doubt creeped its way in and convinced me I was being a fool. Kili could never want me in that way, I was just ordinary Leah.

I dropped my hand away from his face. His eyes almost looked sad at the loss of contact but I'm sure I must have imagined it.

"So is this Khuzdul then?" I asked, running my finger along the runes.

"Uh, yes, yes it is," he said, looking rather nervous.

"Does it say penis?" I joked, trying to break the tension.

The boom of his laugh surprised even him. "Yes, that's exactly what it says." his previous nervousness seemed to vanish.

"So what does it really say?"

"No, no it says penis," he said, a smug grin on his face.

"Oh come on, I know it doesn't actually say that. "

He did not budge and refused to tell me what it really said. I would get it out of him eventually.

The insistent tugging from before reared its head again once we stood back up, urging me to continue on, this time off the beaten path. Kili packed the scrapbook into his own bag and followed along behind me.

As we walked, my hand wandered towards the bracelet, feeling the supple material beneath my fingertips. Kili had made this for me with his own two hands. It was more thoughtful than any store bought gift could ever be. More effort had gone into making the cuff than for my scrapbook. Though Kili seemed to think his gift was somehow lacking in comparison. He did not know his own worth sometimes.

"Where to next?" Kili said, settling at the bottom of a steep incline

I paused. My internal guide that had been leading us up to this point had gone haywire, switching and flipping around like the point of a magnetised compass.

"There should be a lake over this hill, I think. Or it might be a bit further down, I'm not sure," I said, puzzled. I looked at Kili hoping for some inspiration.

"Don't look at me, you're supposed to be the expert here," he said, holding his hands up.

"I know," I sighed and looked up the incline. "I'll go to the top and have a look around. You can wait here, it won't be 5 minutes."

"Well don't get lost please," said Kili.

"Have more faith in me."

I gave Kili a mock salute before clambering up the hill. It was a little steeper than I had previously thought and I was rather breathless by the time I made it to the top. The smell of sodden earth was stronger up here and when I peered through the treeline I could just about make out the glare of sun on water.

"Kili, it's this way," I said.

My shout lingered in the wind but I heard no reply. The resulting silence had a weight to it, bearing down around my shoulders. I made to shout again but something caused the words to die in my throat and I nearly choked on them. The air crackled like static, close and thick and biting. It zinged across my skin, like a precursor to a great lightning storm. The burning cold of it wove through the forest and coiled around my feet, tighter and tighter.

I knew what it was.

And it terrified me.

"Kili!" I yelled.

No answer.

No, no, no he can't leave. I don't want him to go.

I threw myself back down the hill, tripping over rocks and grazing my hands on tree branches. I didn't care. All that mattered was Kili, I had to get to him. Dread twisted through me, a jerking, desperate thing that tied my insides into a painful knot.

Familiar humming filled the forest air, enveloping me in its melancholic song. It could have been a choir of angels for all its beauty but at that moment I hated the sound. Hated and feared it.

The persistent urge that had brought me here had all but vanished, disintegrating like ash on the breeze. It did not want me. Not this time. I had been used as nothing but a guide as it called out to another. The powers that be had manipulated me, used my affection for Kili to lure him back home.

It wasn't fair.

"Kili!"

The light was the same as before; brilliant, bright and blinding. A shattering of reality that the eyes refused to comprehend. It was magnificent and awful and Kili was swept into the centre of it.

"No!"

I got there in time to watch the pieces of reality fit back together, taking Kili along with it.

Kili

The discovery of your One was supposed to be a momentous occasion. A time for celebration and happiness. Only in this instance there were several snags to contend with. Firstly, Leah did not recall the kiss they had shared during her drunken escapades. That memory was firmly under lock and key in her mind and Kili was scared to open it back up again. She was heavily inebriated and not in full control of her faculties, there was every chance it had not been her intention to kiss him. Her feelings could be very different from his own and Kili was too much of a coward to unearth the truth of it.

He had never heard of Ones rejecting each other but this was no common occurrence. Leah was no dwarf, she did not possess the same sense he did when it came to detecting Ones. This was not the first instance of inter-race pairings as far as he was aware. There had been a handful in his lifetime who had discovered their Ones within the realm of men. But they all came with their own challenges and his seemed to eclipse them all.

His One belonged to another world. A world he knew he could never remain in. How Mahal had allowed this to happen, he did not know. It felt infinitely cruel to offer him everything he could ever want and then whisk it all away the second he had to return.

A part of him had thought to convince her to join him. To find a place with him in his world. Fili would love her, especially her sense of humour. Amad would be happy to see Kili happy. It would probably take some convincing on Uncle's part but he had little doubt that Leah could work her way into his heart in no time. It would be a happy ever after.

Only he could not ask this of her. What kind of person would he be if he uprooted her from everything she had ever known just because the thought of never seeing her again felt like an arrow to the chest? A selfish one. He could not do that to her.

But he could offer her a token, a gift to show how much she meant to him. He had started the bracelet long before he knew she was his One. At the time he could not say why he had started making it, but in hindsight a part of him must have known. If anyone from back home laid their eyes upon it, they would assume it a courting gift. And he could not deny if it was the case or not. Especially after he changed the runes from Umrai–Friend–to Amrâlimê–Love of mine.

He had been determined to tell her about his feelings, along with the bracelet, but when the time came he had been too cowardly to tell her. It did not help that she had surprised him before he could get anything out. Her gift to him had cast his mind adrift and his carefully constructed speech vanished into nothing. He was left open mouthed and reeling at the sight of it. It was the most thoughtful thing anyone had ever made for him, a piece of this world for him to hold onto.

A gift such as this could be considered a courting gift in its own right, but Kili had no way of judging Leah's intentions and that caused him no end of mental torment.

Kili watched as Leah dragged her way up the slope, chuckling when her shoes skidded along loose soil and she caught herself with a yelp. He leaned against a tree, determined to wait for her down here.

Kili

Kili froze. He could have sworn he heard someone calling his name. It was no louder than a whisper, there was every chance it was just a trick of the wind. But something about it had him pushing away from the tree and searching the landscape for answers. When he looked up towards Leah he knew it could not have been her. She was too busy panting as she clambered her way to the summit. Yet when he investigated the path around him, the forest remained clear. There was no sign of anyone else out here with them

Kili

There it was again, louder this time. A wave of apprehension washed over him and he coughed "Hello."

The word was quiet, caught in his throat. Kili's heart became a rapid, racing thing as he pushed his way between some trees.

"Kili!" It echoed around him, emanating from everywhere at once. Clear as day and instantly recognisable.

"Fili?" Kili's voice cracked. It had been so long since he had heard his brother's voice, he felt his throat tighten. It should not be possible but the sound was undeniably and unquestionably Fili. He had not realised the true depth of his grief at being separated from Fili until he was confronted with the prospect of seeing him again.

An odd humming built up around him like a song or a spell. A great chant that spoke of the incomprehensible and the intangible. He could never hope to understand the celestial words but Kili was drawn towards it all the same. It pulled him closer with demanding, incorporeal hands and the world erupted in light.

A gateway. A path. A radiant impossibility that had come to take him home.

"Not yet. I'm not ready," he whispered, though to whom he did not know.

There was too much left to do in this world. Too much he had left unsaid. Leah deserved a better goodbye, she deserved to know.

"Kili please!" The sound of his brother crying cut right to his very core. There had been very few times in his life that he had seen Fili cry. After their Adad's death, his brother assumed his role of protector and became determined to stay strong enough for the two of them.

"Kili, come home. I need you."

Those words cinched his decision. Fili needed him. His home needed him. He was the only one with any hope of saving his family. It was selfish of him to put their lives at risk for the sake of his own heart.

He half turned, determined to bid Leah a heartbreaking goodbye but the gateway did not give him the chance. It must have sensed his concession and his desire to be home and took that as confirmation. In less time than it took him to blink, the light enveloped him in a blinding embrace and whisked him away.

Leah

The crackling atmosphere dissipated and the song drifted into silence

My feet collapsed below me, no longer able to hold my weight.

Kili was gone.

That could not be right. It just made no sense. Kili had been just there. I saw him less than five minutes ago, there was no way he could be gone. I brought my hand up to the space he had just occupied. There was no hint of rippling energy or even any warmth, it was just empty air. Just nothing. As if he had never existed. How could a spirit like Kili's leave this world with no trace? It should have left an imprint, a permanent mark to show the impact he had made.

I wanted to cry but the tears would not come. My body was caught in some kind of retching, seizing paralysis. My throat narrowed as I choked down breath after ragged breath.

How could I be so stupid?

I had fooled myself into thinking that he would never go back. That he could stay here, with me. The selfishness of such a wish did not escape me but I could not stop my mind from dreaming it. Could not stop it from hoping.

He was gone. I would never get to see him again.

What if I forgot his voice, or his smile or the way he laughed? It felt like something monumental had been stolen from me. Ripped from my desperate fingers before I could even say goodbye. He would never know how I felt about him. Never know how bright he had made my life in such a short amount of time.

My stuttered breaths gave way to a cry and my throat burned with it. I clutched a hand to my chest, nails biting into the skin. It was smooth and flat beneath my fingertips but that could not be right. It felt as if I had been flayed open, with bones cracked in two, muscles torn apart. My heart was a fractured broken thing, exposed and bleeding, only there was no wound to show for it.

I had lost him and there was no getting him back.

"Leah," someone called "Kili, are you there?"

It took several prolonged moments for me to comprehend what I was hearing, another beat for me to recognise the voice. I peered through the thick underbrush, my line of sight wavering, when I caught a glimpse of golden hair.

"Mum?"

The word was not loud by any means. My forceful tears had rendered my voice to a thick, crackled husk. But Mum heard it all the same.

"Leah," she sighed in relief and pushed her way through the foliage. Her eyes widened when she saw the state I was in, half-collapsed on the ground with tear-stained cheeks.

"Leah, what happened?" Mum bundled me into her arms, slotting my head under her chin, and I felt like a child again, crying for someone I had lost. Mum brought her hand up to lace into my hair. She brushed through it in soothing circles.

"How are you here?" I mumbled into her chest, the buttons on her shirt rubbed coarsely against my cheek but I dared not move.

"I felt it," she said, wistfully. "I felt it return, it brought me here, brought me to you."

It sounded similar to the visions I had been having of this woodland, pushing me to come here. Except Mum was more desperate.

"Where is it, Leah? It has to be close, it has to be," Her voice sounded far away and her fingers tightened in my hair. She did not seem to be aware she was doing it. Her arms, banded rigidly around me, no longer held the same comfort and I pushed back. For a moment she was determined to keep me close and would not relinquish her hold. Then she blinked, confused, and the fight drained out of her. I drew myself back, disturbed by her erratic behaviour.

"It's gone Mum. Kili is gone."

"Gone?" she said the word as if she could not fathom it, as if it held no meaning to her.

"It took him away and closed up behind him."

Mum's face fell, like a mask she had been holding onto for so long had cracked irreparably.

"No," she said, barely a whisper. "He can't be gone Leah. Not yet."

"Not yet?" I asked, worry making my voice shake. I could not see how time would change the circumstances. Kili would still be gone no matter the time frame.

"I needed to go with him. We needed to," Mum made an awful strangled sound and covered her mouth with her hand. "I can't stay like this, Leah. This was my chance."

Mum crumpled in on herself. She looked like half the woman she once was as she gripped onto her knees with shaking anguish.

"Mum?" I reached for her, she flinched away from my touch. "What do you mean? You need to tell me. I can't help you if I don't know."

Mum had always been so stable, to see her crumble before my eyes was too much. Everything about this day was too much.

"Do you remember what I told you when that doorway first showed up?" she whispered into her knees.

"Something about dad?" I said "You'd said that it made you think of him but I'm still not sure why."

Mum nodded "I didn't tell you the whole truth. I didn't want you to worry and I'd hoped–" Mum squeezed her eyes closed and took in a small sip of breath. "I had hoped that we would be able to follow Kili."

Mum wanted to leave our world behind? Had wanted to this whole time? An irrational swell of anger rose within me. This was not a half-baked impulsive decision, she must have been worrying and battling with these thoughts for months. Months where she locked everything up and refused to let me in. I wasn't a child anymore, I wanted her to let me in, to let me help.

"When that doorway opened it did make me think of your dad. But the reason it did was because it made me feel whole again. I hadn't even realised that I was broken. I thought I had healed after he died but it was like my soul had been missing a piece and it was back. I was whole," she continued "Then it closed. It was like a guillotine slicing me in half. I was broken all over again. Only this time I knew . I could feel it, like a pulsing emptiness inside my heart. It hurt so badly. It still hurts," Mum clutched her chest, right over her heart.

My wave of anger crashed onto rocky shores and I was left feeling wrung out and awful. How had she been living like that? If it felt anything like my aching heart I don't know how she could stand it.

"We were supposed to follow Kili," she cried "Your father, he's there, I can feel it. If we were there I wouldn't feel like this anymore."

I held Mum as she cried not knowing what else to do.

A week went by and things did not get any better. I had half expected all signs of Kili's existence to have been wiped away, disappearing along with him. But coming home to find everything just as we had left it, was worse somehow. Kili's clothes were in the hamper, his shoes were by the door. Pieces of them were scattered all through the house, each one a piercing reminder that he was no longer there to fill the space. It was like he had died in a way, the aftermath would have been the same.

Had I not mourned enough for one lifetime? Was losing my Dad and twin brother not enough, I had to lose my heart too?

It's not fair. My thoughts were childish and selfish and ever present, circling around my head day and night.

I had taken to sleeping in Kili's bed. His scent lingered in the sheets I tangled myself in. It caught in the back of my throat like a sob and I simultaneously felt better, yet infinitely worse. The more days I spent in there the more it started to fade, it wouldn't be long until it disappeared entirely and I would lose another part of him.

Through a sheer will and determination I could not help but marvel at, Mum had picked up the pieces of herself and somehow stitched them back together into something vaguely functional. She made sure that the house was tidy, that we ate, that we drank. She kept herself busy and staunchly stopped herself from falling apart at the seams. I don't know how she did it. Mum possessed a strength I could never hope to achieve.

It did not help that an overwhelming sense of suspense held me in its grip at all times. You would think that the anticipatory feeling would have gone away as soon as Kili had left. However, it still remained on the periphery, a whisper on the back of my neck, somehow greater than before. The feeling of being on a knife edge, like something was going to crash any minute refused to leave.

"I think we need to go somewhere, Leah," Mum said.

I lifted my head up from my blanket-covered knees. The television blared with some inane sitcom I had not been paying attention to. Canned laughter echoed around the room at some profoundly unfunny joke. I ignored it and turned to Mum.

"Where?"

"Somewhere. Anywhere. We need to get out of this house, it feels like my skin is crawling," she shifted in her seat, clearly uncomfortable. Mum was never sedentary whenever things got bad, she always needed to move, to do something.

I on the other hand was content to wallow in my self-made pit of despair. My sad thoughts had an almost addictive quality to them as I found myself spiralling deeper and deeper.

"How about the beach?" Mum said, breaking through my thoughts "We haven't seen the ocean in a long time. I think the sea breeze might help."

Part of me did not want to move under any circumstances but another part of me conceded that being miserable would feel nicer on a warm beach than in a suffocating house. Perhaps a moment away from all the memories of Kili could do me some good, bring me some clarity.

"I like the beach," I mumbled, softly.

Mum gave me a tight smile and stood. "Good, I'll book a place and maybe we can stay for a few days. A nice little holiday for us both."

It sounded like a very depressing version of a holiday but I agreed, nonetheless.

I struggled with my packing, not really knowing where Mum would end up taking us. Last time we went on a beach holiday she had taken us hiking up the cliff edge to find the best view. So I packed a few changes of clothes, mostly outdoor gear like hardy, waterproof trousers and sports shirts, just in case. I added my toiletries bag onto the top along with a book I doubted I would read.

Deeming it sufficient, I closed the flap and left my room. The sound of Mum sorting through her own luggage, vibrated through her closed bedroom door and I left her to it, carrying on down the hallway.

The door to Kili's former room lay open and I could not help but peer inside. I felt a discordance within me as I took in the space, feeling a strange sense of finality like this was the last time I would see it. The sensation made little sense and I tried to tamp it down as best I could.

I had left Kili's things mostly as they were. Kili was not tidy by nature but he had kept the space somewhat orderly. His leather tools lay on his desk, with various sketches scattered around depicting his idealised version of the bracelet he'd crafted. There was little difference between the drawing and the real thing. It showed a great skill I never realised he had. One of them showed a different collection of runes but he had scribbled it out and replaced it with the ones he ended up carving. I wished I knew what they stood for but I doubted I would ever find out.

A shirt hung over his desk chair. Freshly sewn and laundered, it was the tunic he had arrived into our world in. Mum had patched it up for him, a surprise he had been very grateful for. My hand reached for the shirt before the idea had even solidified in my mind. I slipped it over my head and let the oversized garment settle around me. The shoulders were baggy and the sleeves dangled past my knees but it felt right. I rolled the loose sleeves up to my elbows and tucked the bottom into my trousers.

Just as I was about to leave, my eyes lingered on the strangely shaped object on the nightstand. Kili's dagger. I traced the leather sheath with a finger. It was well worn from use but still maintained to a high quality. This weapon was something Kili had looked after and cared for. The blade slid out of its sheath with ease. It was wicked sharp and angular like most dwarven designs and well-balanced in my hand.

This was a piece of him. When I held it, I felt like some of his strength was with me.

What am I doing?

I could not exactly take a concealed weapon with me on holiday, that was absurd. The reasonable thing to do was to put it down and leave it behind. It would always be there when I got back. But the irrational side of me refused to part with it, told me to take it and keep it close.

"Are you ready, darling?" Mum called from down the hall.

"Yes, Mum," I said, resheathing the blade.

I tucked the dagger into the pocket of my backpack before I could come to my senses.

oOo

The drive was annoyingly free of bad weather. It felt like the perfect time for some pathetic fallacy to fit the mood but instead, the sun shone happily on its merry way across a cloudless sky.

The windows were rolled down as Mum sped along country roads. A wall of cold air buffeted around us, sending our hair flying. A stubborn piece blew across my vision and I shoved it behind my ear in frustration. It wasn't long before it became unmoored and blinded me once again, I gave up with a defeated sigh.

The car playlist had turned melancholy rather quickly as any happy music that came on received a swift frown and a harsh skip. Mum tutted as I skipped the fifth song in a row and settled on some suitably depressing Phoebe Bridgers.

Somewhere in Germany, but I can't place it

Man, I hate this part of Texas

Close my eyes, fantasise

Three clicks and I'm home

"Are you sure sad songs are the way to go?" Mum asked.

"Better than listening to some man sing about how much he wants to sleep with a woman," I said.

"Well that's true," Mum said, not taking her eyes off the road "Though surely sad songs will make you feel worse."

When I get back I'll lay around

Then I'll get up and lay back down

Romanticise a quiet life

There's no place like my room

"They can be quite therapeutic actually. Especially when you scream them at the top of your lungs."

Mum's mouth twisted thoughtfully and then she nodded "Turn it up then."

I gave her a small smile and spun the volume dial up to near maximum.

But you had to go

I know, I know, I know

Like a wave that crashed and melted on the shore

No–…ven…bur…re…ere…nymore

"What's wrong with this thing?" I slapped the stereo but only garbled static came out of the speakers.

My hand reached for the volume dial, only for a spark to zap out and shock me. I drew my hand back and placed my finger into my mouth to soothe it. A disquieting sense of wrongness filled the car. Electric and building and…familiar.

Mixed in with the disjoined music was a new tune, the humming alien song of the gateway between worlds.

Blazing light exploded into being in the middle of the road. A dazzling display of splintered existence and swirling smoke.

The portal opened for us, drawing us in like all the times before.

And Mum was barrelling towards it at full speed. We were going to crash right through it with no clue as to what was on the other side.

"Mum, slow down!" But she ignored me.

With tears in her eyes and a smile on her face, she pressed on the accelerator.

But you come back with gravity

And when I call, you come home

The last of the song cut off and for better or worse, the light swallowed us whole