Leo sat by his bed, the lights in his room turned off as he stayed curled up in the spot he had been in for the past few days. His muscles screamed at him to move, yet he couldn't find the energy to do it. Instead, his thoughts kept going back to the incident. The day he made that damned mistake.
It had been three days since they got back with Donnie and three that he had yet to wake up. Each second that passed by was excruciating to the blue slider, his worry and guilt never-ending as his genius brother still lay asleep in the makeshift infirmary they had made for him. It was a personal hell to him. To never know if his brother would wake up and he be the cause for it.
Leo scrunched his eyes closed as tears started forming in the corner of his eyes. His chest began to constrict in pain, and his breathing became erratic. Nausea started to settle in his stomach, and he quickly wondered if he had a trash can anywhere in his room just in case he was going to hurl. However, the thought was soon gone when his heart rate started to pick up, and his body began to shake in chills. Fear slowly began to creep in as he slowly but surely, felt himself start to lose control. His eyes gradually widened as he realized he was about to have a panic attack.
Quickly utilizing his new self-taught skills in this predicament, he closed his eyes and began to take deep breaths. As he breathed, he went over the mental list he had looked up two days ago after his first panic attack had arrived. He continued to breathe deeply as he let his mind focus entirely on the fall and rise of his chest. Once he felt his mind calm down, he began to concentrate on every muscle in his body until he was completely relaxed. He then tried to picture a happy place. A happy place...
'A happy place..?'
Leo continued to try and picture his happy place, and each time he did a memory of him and his family would pop up. But right now, they were more bitter-sweet memories than happy ones. They were shadows of how happy he used to be, back before he became this mess and screwed up their whole family.
The blue slider looked down at the floor again, the memories of the night three days ago replaying in his head like a broken record.
Leo jumped through the portal quickly, all the while trying to be gentle with the genius brother that lay in his arms. Not soon after, the oldest brother followed suit, albeit a lot quicker than he did.
"Leo! Is Donnie okay? He's still breathing, right?" Raph asked as he wasted no time rushing over to the turtle covered in purple.
"Yeah, he's okay for right now, but I still need to lay him down and get his arm fixed up. He may also have internal injuries, so I need to keep a watch for any signs of that," he finished while trying to ignore the gazes of his other two brothers by keeping his locked on their unconscious brother.
The youngest came over with a pained expression on his face. "Donnie..." He whispered sadly as he lay his hand on his brother's shell. Leo stiffened ever slightly as another pang of guilt hit his chest. He frowned, tired of this feeling that he knew all too well.
"Where should we put him?" The orange-clad asked after a few long, painful seconds, ultimately breaking him out of his self-pity fest.
"There's a bed for medical situations like this in Don's lab, and it also has everything I need to check him with," the blue-clad suggested, his face stoic.
Mikey nodded his head, his face taking on a serious expression. "I'll go and grab it," he said quickly before turning and leaving to his genius brother's lab, not giving any of them the chance to say anything.
As soon as his orange-clad brother left, Leo was left in a tense, silent room alone with his oldest brother. After a few seconds of them not saying anything, he decided to take his eyes off his genius brother to peak at the red snapper nervously. His brother looked tense and was far quieter than Leo thought he would be. Raph stared at the ground with a frustrated expression; his fists closed tightly next to his body. Leo assumed he was probably beating himself up over his own mistake. Typical.
"It's not your fault, you know," Leo said, breaking the tense silence.
Raph's eyes widened, breaking out of whatever deep thought he was in. He chanced a look at the slider before quickly glancing back down. His fists clenched again as if he was struggling to hold something back.
The blue slider looked down, conflicted as to whether or not he should say what he knew was true. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath before continuing. "It's mine..." He said with so much anguish it hurt. He kept his eyes closed, afraid to see what his older brother's expression looked like. Leo heard a breath of air escape from the red-clad.
"Leo... it's not your...," the red-clad tried to speak but again trailed back into silence. Instead, he looked back down at the ground with a conflicted expression on his face.
Leo stood frozen, the silence only confirming what he thought to be true. For a moment, it felt like time had stood in place. After a few agonizing seconds, a breathy laugh escaped his chest. "So I'm right, huh?" He said with a weak smile, a shadow cast over his face.
The oldest looked up in surprise before clenching his fists again. "That's not what I said!" He shouted, anger flicking across his face. The blue slider flinched, shocked at the sudden outburst. Noticing, Raph stopped himself and looked at the ground again, his face turning somber once more. "I... I don't know how to feel right now," he said truthfully. "I just need time to process some stuff," he finished with a somber tone.
To Leo, the sentence felt like a dagger had just been stabbed into his heart. Even if his older brother didn't say it outright, he knew how he felt. He knew it was his fault. "I see..." he said with a weak smile, trying his best not to break down in front of the red snapper.
Concern and guilt etched onto Raph's face once he heard the broken tone. He worriedly looked at the blue slider before calling out. "Leo-"
"I'm back!" A usually cheerful voice called from behind them. Both teens were shaken out of the moment and looked back to see their youngest brother coming in with the requested medical bed. Within the blink of an eye, Leo was carefully grabbing their genius brother and placing him on the bed to start wrapping up his wounds. The youngest quickly grabbed the supplies and handed them to the blue slider as he began his work on his twin brother. Shortly after, the red-clad followed behind, standing by as he waited to do something useful.
"Just what I thought, his shoulder is dislocated," Leo stated as he finished up wrapping the last open wound on Donnie.
The orange-clad gasped in shock. "It's... dislocated?" He asked more so to himself to confirm it. "So, how are we going to fix it?"
The blue slider tensed, knowing the answer to that. He stared at his genius brother's shoulder with squinted eyes, clearing the panic that was rising in his chest. It was actually a very simple injury to fix. If done right, all someone had to do was push the shoulder back into place, but that's not what scared him. No, it was the 'who' who had to do it and the pain his brother would have to endure to get it pushed back into place. The sooner they got it done, though, the sooner his twin would be out of pain. He only hoped the painkillers he gave Don were working by now.
Gulping loudly, the blue-clad knew what he had to do. Despite everything inside him telling him not to do it, he pushed the fear and nausea down far inside him and slowly reached towards his brother's shoulder.
"Don't." A gruff voice said as he grabbed onto Leo's arm, stopping him from touching his twin's shoulder.
"Huh?" Leo looked up in confusion to see that it was his older brother who had stopped him.
The red-clad let go of Leo's arm and looked down at his genius little brother's shoulder. "I'll do it."
The blue slider's face twisted into surprise before quickly shaking his head. He didn't want them to be the ones who had to do it. "Raph, no, I'll do it-"
"No, Leo," the red-clad sternly said, his face showing that he wasn't about to back down. "I want to be able to help in some way too. Even if it means shoving his shoulder back into place."
Leo opened his mouth to protest but then quickly closed his snout. His face scrunched up before he looked at the ground with frustration. His mind kept telling him that he should be the one to do it since it was his fault. It was because it was his fault that he felt he was the only one who deserved this task.
"Please, Leo," Raph said, almost begging to be the one to do it. Leo stalled, his heart clenching at the tone. He understood where Raph was coming from. Heck, he probably knew better than anyone right now.
The blue slider clenched his fists, debating who should do what. A few agonizing seconds of inner turmoil pass before the blue slider begrudgingly nodded his head. "Fine..." He breathed out, still not really wanting his older brother to be the one to do it.
The red-clad looked at Leo and gave him a small, grateful smile. "Thanks, Leo," he said before turning to Donnie's unconscious form.
"Here, I'll show you where to press..." The blue slider suggested, already grabbing one of the red-clads arms and placing his hand in the correct position on Donnie's shoulder.
Raph didn't object and instead sternly looked at the spot his hand was placed on. "Okay, and then what do I do? Do I just... push?"
Leo shook his head before guiding the red-clads other arm. "No, first you'll use your other hand to grab his dislocated arm and lift it into a straight line in front of his body. Once your sure his arm is straight and aligned with his shoulder, you'll push his shoulder into place with the current hand you have resting there. Be careful to not push too hard, though," the blue-slider stated coolly, the words flowing out of his mouth like second nature.
The oldest blinked at the blue-slider in surprise and awe.
"What?" Leo asked in discomfort, clearly confused as to why the red-clad was staring at him.
Raph shook his head and gave him a small smile before turning back to the task at hand. 'Right, got to fix Donnie's shoulder,' he thought, a serious expression crossing his face. With shaking hands, the red-clad swallowed the forming lump in his throat before taking a calming breath. After he felt his shakiness calm down, he hardened his expression and, ignoring Mikey's whimper of protest, quickly put into action what the blue-slider had showed him.
Suddenly a loud pop could be heard echoing through the lair, the noise itself making the brother's nauseated. It was done fairly quickly, despite the red-clads nerves making it feel like an eternity. The eldest stared at his unconscious brother and blinked in awe that, aside from a small whimper from the genius, there was not much reaction at all. He didn't know whether to sigh in relief or be worried by the lack of reaction from the soft shell.
Breaking him out of his thought's, the blue-slider was next to him, putting the soft shell's now fixed arm into what he assumed was a sling. "There we go. It'll take a few weeks for his shoulder to heal, but he'll only have to wear this for a few days. It'll keep him from moving his arm when he..." Leo stopped for a second while his other two brothers gave confused looks at the sudden abruption. "When he wakes up..." He finally managed to spit out, his thoughts still going a million miles a minute.
"Leo?" Mikey asked uncertainly, concern evident on his face for his blue clad brother.
Leo's eyes widened at his emotional slip for a second before glancing at his younger brother and shooting him a wobbly smile. "Sorry, guess today's events is catching up to me," he slightly chuckled as he rubbed the back of his head. Both his brother's stared at him, not saying a word, with worried expressions on their faces. Uncomfortable with the silence, the blue slider looked towards Donnie quickly and coughed. "Anyways, from the looks of the machine Don's vitals are stable, but I will need to watch him overnight just to be sure."
Raph shook his head, clearly upset with the idea. "No, Leo, I'll take watch-"
"Sorry, hermano, this one's not up for debate," Leo interrupted. "Donnie needs someone who knows how to read vitals, and I'm the only one that can do that." Leo said with a serious expression, showing he was not willing to back down.
The red-clad opened his mouth to refute Leo's plan before his youngest brother softly placed his hand on his bicep. Raph quickly shut his snout and looked down to see Mikey softly shaking his head at him, a silent plea to let Leo be for the night. Raph frowned, clearly not happy with doing that but also not refuting what his youngest brother was silently telling him. After all, he was not about to go against Doctor Feelings.
Raph looked to the side in resignation. "Alright," he huffed out. "Just let me know if anything happens, okay?" He asked as he gave the blue slider a concerned expression.
For the first time that night, Leo gave him a small, genuine smile. "I will," he replied gratefully. "Now," he cleared his throat, "go get some rest. I'm sure Donnie doesn't want to be smelling your tired stink when he comes to," he half joked, trying to lighten the mood.
The red snapper gave him a toothy grin as he felt a small weight lift off of him. He was relieved to see Leo acting somewhat like himself again and, with that knowledge, felt that everything might turn out just fine. "Alright, g'night Leo," he said as he turned to walk in the direction of his room.
"Goodnight! Let us know if he wakes up!" Mikey cheerfully said as he followed Raph in the same direction whilst waving goodbye to the blue slider.
Leo waved back without saying anything, the same small smile on his face from earlier still glued on. He waited and watched as his brothers silhouettes disappeared before slowly dropping his hand back to his side. After they were gone, he turned to look at his unconscious brother with a unreadable expression on his face before going to sit in the chair next to him.
For a moment, he just looked at him sleep peacefully, studying his unmoving expression before his gaze slowly lingered to his brother's bandages. He felt sudden guilt and shame cover his whole being, each wound his eyes landed on making the feelings ten times worse. His eyes kept looking despite his inner protest, as if it was a proper punishment for what he did; That is until his gaze landed on the soft shell's dislocated shoulder.
Leo's face scrunched up as a surge of emotions began to spring to life. Shame, anger, fear, sadness. So many emotions poured in that it was hard to identify what he was really feeling. However, there was one that stood out to him the most. It was a very new feeling that was eating him alive to his core, a feeling that he had never felt before.
Self-hatred.
Leo wanted to laugh at the irony. He always boasted that he was confident and charming, yet here he was feeling the complete opposite. He chuckled breathlessly, embracing the new feeling he just discovered. He looked down at his lap with empty eyes and decided maybe he's always felt this way. But he guess it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things because when it came down to it:
Leo Hamato hates himself.