I love y'all! Next chapter is a doozy. See you MONDAY! :3

35

- my tears ricochet -

Bella POV

I'm stunned while I sit in my car.

Paralyzed.

And then a fresh wave of tears comes on.

I tried holding back my emotion when I was with Edward. I didn't want to scare him. Didn't want to add guilt to all of the other emotions he was feeling right then. But I couldn't help it. My heart was breaking, and the only way to find some relief was to cry it out.

Now that I'm alone, I really let go. Really let myself lean into this pain.

I wish I were numb, but I'm not. I feel everything. My heart is breaking. My chest literally hurts, and I feel sick to my stomach. I'm overwhelmed with anxiety and deep, deep agony.

Edward and I were planning on forever, and now it's been ripped from us in a matter of minutes.

Even if one day eventually happens… everything has irrevocably changed.

I sit in my car for a very long time and cry. My nose is running. My throat is tight and raw. At one point, it feels like I'll never be able to stop, and that just makes me cry even more. I know I can't drive, not yet. I grieve what I just lost, letting it all out.

Edward loves me.

He's in love with me.

And I'm in love with him.

How is this fucking fair? How can two people who are so perfect for each other not be together?

It's not right, and my heart feels shattered.

Eventually, my tears slow. My breathing goes back to normal, and I find a packet of tissues in the console and blow my nose. I flip down the visor and stare at my reflection. My face is wrecked—puffy, red, and makeup-smeared—but I don't care. I'm beyond miserable. I might as well look the way I feel.

But I can't show up at my mom's house looking like this. I can't pass this off as genuine concern for Gianna. So, I make the decision to run home before picking up Mikey.

My mind doesn't stop on the way there.

I don't know how I walked away from Edward. I don't know how I didn't beg and beg for nothing between us to change. We can get through this, can't we?

But I don't know. When I think about the future, it's too muddled. Gianna will eventually heal. She won't rely on Edward forever. But once she's healed, she'll have a baby. She'll have Edward's baby. They'll need each other then.

My eyes blur again, and remorse sets in. Gianna is in a hospital bed, bruised and broken, and here I am, feeling sorry for myself and jealous of her. But how can I not be? She's tied to him even more. She has yet another part of Edward all for herself.

And I have nothing.

Not even an ounce of hope.

XXX

Everything inside of me breaks all over again when I get out of my car and see my camera in the backseat. I ache even more knowing it still holds the pictures Edward and I took when we were unbearably happy.

I must be a masochist because I grab my camera and rush inside my house to look at them.

The photos are healing and agonizing all at once.

His handsome face.

My blinding smile.

His mouth is on mine in a few pictures, and even though we're kissing, you can see the corner of his mouth turned up because he's smiling through it.

I want to delete them.

Keep them.

I don't want the reminder or the evidence while also wanting to never, ever forget.

Of course, I don't delete them. I couldn't. I can't. I need these physical items to get me through and give me strength. Those minutes we spent snapping photos and being uninhibited with each other when being honest about what we wanted were some of the best of my life.

Now I have to go back to my real life.

Back to my husband.

I have to pretend like I'm not suffering through a breakup, even though that's what this is. A relationship has just ended.

Will Jared be able to tell something is off? I don't think I can hide this. I don't know if I want to, either.

After I wash my face, I call my mom on my way to her house and update her on everything minus the pregnancy. I can't speak those words aloud without the truth about the affair spilling out of me. She says the boys are happy playing, and Carlisle is on his way to pick up Seth. Apparently, he just heard the news from Edward.

Unfortunately, Carlisle and I pull up to my mother's house within a minute of each other. He stands idly in the driveway, waiting for me to get out. He looks worried sick, but he's a strong man. Like father, like son.

"Hi," I tell him when I get out of my car, remorse coating my tone. I offer him a brief hug, but he hugs me back harder. "Have you heard anything else about Gianna?" I ask him.

"She's out of surgery and stable. She still hasn't woken up though," he tells me, his salt-and-pepper hair short and nothing like Edward's.

"What a mess," I mumble, my heart aching for all the wrong reasons.

"We're all just so grateful she will be okay," he says, hopeful.

I gauge his expression, guessing he doesn't yet know she is pregnant. Or maybe he thinks it's none of my business. It's not a piece of news that should affect me, yet it does.

"I'm grateful, too," I reply, meaning it. "Let me know if I can help with Seth or whatever. I know Edward will be occupied with Gianna and be in and out of the hospital. It's no problem." My offer is sincere but also completely selfish. I'm still desperate to see Edward any chance I can. But that will hurt more. I should cut ties, for my heart's sake. But I just don't think I can do that yet.

I don't know how I will ever move on from this.

XXX

Later that night, I go straight to bed after putting Mikey down. I want to take an Ambien, but I don't know how late Jared will be, and I don't want to be out of it when I'm the only one here with Mikey.

I call Jared after I crawl into bed.

"Hey, I should be there soon," he says automatically, sounding distracted. "Oh, yeah, what happened to Gianna?"

"She was hit by a car," I say stoically. It's still kind of unbelievable. "They fled the scene."

"Jesus Christ." His attention is present now. "Do you know if she's okay?"

"I stayed with Edward until the doctor came, and he said she has some broken bones and had to have surgery, but she's alive." I pause. "She's pregnant too," I say, my voice hollow. "The baby survived."

"Oh, wow. Wow," Jared breathes, stunned. "I didn't know they were trying."

"I don't think they were."

"Shit. Well, I'm glad everyone's okay. That's fucked up about the person driving off. Maybe I'll reach out to Edward when everything settles and see if I can help somehow."

My heart momentarily softens for Jared.

"Yeah, do that," I agree. "I'm going to bed."

"This early?"

"Bad day."

The absolute worst.

"If you're going to bed, do you care if I go out for a drink with some colleagues?"

"No, I don't care," I say monotone.

We hang up without saying "I love you," but I don't think I'd be able to say those words anyway. Don't even know what they mean to me now that I've admitted I'm in love with Edward.

Thankfully exhaustion—or self-preservation—takes over, and I fall asleep soon after closing my eyes.

I dream about a warm hand on my hip, sliding around the curve of my waist and up under my tank top to cup my breast.

I'm dreaming of Edward.

I moan, stirring and waking up a little.

"Take off your panties," the voice whispers in my ear.

Only it's not Edward.

It's my husband.

I startle and fully wake up, moving away.

Jared scoffs a laugh and sits up against the headboard, shirtless.

"What was that?" he asks, seemingly confused by my confusion.

"Nothing. I'm sleeping," I groggily tell him, looking at the time on my phone—it's just after ten.

"You're awake now."

I'm annoyed at him for waking me up and annoyed at myself for imagining Edward, worried I could've said his name aloud again.

"Read the room," I mumble. "I had a bad day."

Jared leans in to kiss me, and I make a face afterward because he smells and tastes like whiskey.

"I'll do all the work," he coaxes, sliding closer so I can feel his dick pressed against my thigh.

Shame and disgust overcome me.

I can't.

I don't want to.

"Don't you want another baby now that Edward and Gianna are having one?" he whispers in my ear.

My stomach falls so fast and hard, I don't feel like it'll ever come back.

"No, Jared. My head hurts, and I need to sleep. Today was one of the worst fucking days, and I have to be up early with Mikey."

I move further away until I'm on the very edge of the mattress.

"You know, some women would love to wake up to their husbands trying to fuck them," he mutters, sounding rejected.

"Good for those women," I say flatly, lying on my side and facing away from him. "I'm going back to sleep."

"Sorry, I'm attracted to you," he says petulantly after a brief silence.

"Jared, stop."

"What? I'm just saying you could respect me a little more and not turn me down so often. It fucking stings."

I close my eyes and try to ignore him. He's being tame right now, but sometimes he can have a sharp tongue after too many whiskeys. It's rare, but it happens. Especially if his pride has been wounded.

"Some women—"

"Would love it if you didn't go behind their backs and tell their in-laws that they're trying for another baby when they're not," I blurt, craning my neck to look at him.

He's quiet. His guilt only lasts a beat before it morphs into irritation.

"That's not exactly news, Bella. I want another kid. What's the problem?"

"It's a private matter," I insist, rolling over to face him fully. "It's between us."

Jared scoffs, shaking his head. "I'm not allowed to be open with my parents?"

"Not when it's a blatant lie. Why did that even come up?"

"I don't know; it just did. My mom called a few weeks ago, and we spoke briefly about how my cousin is pregnant again. It got her thinking. She asked, and I told her we're working on it," he admits.

Resentment rises. "Oh, are we now? That's news to me."

Jared gives me a look. "Working on it doesn't mean trying. I was just appeasing her."

I sit up. "Well, that's how they took it. She and your father were asking me when we're having another baby. Planning to give us a weekend away, so we can make one."

"Well? We should take them up on it."

"You're busy. You're only going to get busier now that you're a partner."

"I'll make time."

I don't believe him. "How? Your schedule isn't going to get better. It's only going to get worse."

"What's the issue? So, I'll be busy. We'll hire help. We aren't exactly strapped for cash."

"Mikey doesn't need hired help, he needs a father," I stress. "I want you to know when Mikey's preschool events are and attend them. I want you to be home for dinner once in a while. Not every night—I'd even take twice a week. I want you not to work on your son's birthday, for fuck's sake."

"That was one fucking time."

"I want you to—"

"Be another person," he accuses.

All I think of is Edward.

It takes all of my willpower not to burst into tears at the thought of him.

"That's not what I'm saying," I insist. That wasn't the point I was trying to make, but now that he said it, I'm thinking about it.

"You can't have it both ways, Bella. You expect a certain lifestyle. Your clothes, shoes, trips. Your Mercedes. This house. You can't expect me to give you all of that and not work hard for it. And now you're punishing me for it?"

"How am I punishing you?" I ask incredulously, turning on the lamp, fully awake now.

"By not giving us another baby."

"Can you even hear yourself?" I ask incredulously. "So having another baby takes precedence over my needs?"

"No. Goddammit, I didn't say that," he breathes out, frustrated. "Stop putting words into my mouth."

"You didn't have to say it! You're clearly not listening to me."

"I am. You're saying it won't work, and I'm telling you how it will. You're recognizing a problem, and I'm offering a solution. I'm not as present as you'd like. I get that. It's not feasible. So, we can hire a nanny."

"This is why I told you we need to go to therapy." Maybe it's unfair to say this when the ultimate goal was to leave him, not to work on our issues.

"We don't need therapy," he insists.

We fall silent and I stare at him. I suddenly feel like crying, because if I were desperate to work on our marriage, he clearly isn't. He doesn't think anything needs to change.

"I can't do this," I whisper.

Jared regards me. "What are you saying?"

I decide to rip off the Band-aid. Part of it, anyway.

"I don't want another baby, Jared. Not now. Not ever."

The relief I feel is immediate.

It doesn't last long.

It's still a lie. I know it is. If Edward wanted to have a baby with me, I would. I wouldn't even hesitate to give him one. But he's having a baby with his wife now. And that truth hurts me more than anything.

Jared's silence is heavy, weighing me down again.

He scrubs a hand over his mouth, his eyes wild. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

I flinch at his sharp tone.

"No," I say, keeping my voice steady. "I've told you this before. Many times. You kept insisting I'd change my mind—"

"You haven't said this recently though. Not in the last fucking year, Bella."

"Because again, you'd just dismiss me every time. So, I started to appease you. Like you did with your mom," I toss out, needing him to recognize the hypocrisy.

"Oh, give me a fucking break. Appeasing my mom by telling her we are working on it is not the same as my wife lying to me that she might want another baby all this time."

"I wasn't lying."

"You were, by omission," he snips.

"Sure, maybe," I admit, able to accept that truth. "And I'm sorry, Jare. But I'm not going to change my mind. You should've listened to and believed me the first time. And the second time. And the third time. Maybe then I wouldn't have felt the need to talk around this subject."

"So this is my fault," he snaps.

"No. I'm not trying to blame anyone."

"Sure fucking feels like it."

He gets up out of bed.

"Where are you going?" I ask.

"To sleep on the couch," he mutters, tone acidic.

"Why is having another baby so important to you?" I hold back from what I really want to say: why do you want a second child when you're barely present with your first?

He stares at me, eyes dark, his words darker. "Because maybe I'm worried our marriage won't survive without it."

"That's—" My eyes fill with tears. "That's not a reason to have a baby. That's unfair to everyone. To me. A baby would make everything worse."

"Wow," he breathes out as he opens the door. "As a mother, I can't believe you'd say that."

XXX

I wake up alone, but after what conspired between Jared and me last night, I'm not upset he didn't return to bed. And after what happened between Edward and me… yeah. Sleeping alone was for the best.

Memories from yesterday slip in.

I love you so fucking much, Bella. You know that, right?

My eyes blur as I check my phone. I want to reach out to Edward. Text him. But I don't know. Is he hurting like I am? Would he want to hear from me? Or is all of his focus from now on going to be on Gianna, the way it should be?

I decide against reaching out and take a few steady breaths before getting out of bed.

After slipping into my robe, I leave the room and immediately hear Mikey's giggles coming from the kitchen and smell something cooking. I head downstairs and find Mikey in his booster seat at the table, and Jared standing at the stove, a spatula in hand.

"What are you doing?" I ask Jared, kissing the top of Mikey's head.

"Daddy make pantakes," Mikey says, using both hands to drink from his cup of milk.

"Daddy's trying to," Jared clarifies, flipping one.

"Why?" I ask, even though I think I know why.

"Because I'm sorry," he says, looking at me, eyes remorseful.

"Oh." A stab of guilt assaults me worse than I've ever felt.

"Why Daddy sowwy?" Mikey asks.

"I made Mommy sad. And I didn't mean to," Jared tells him. "I love her very much."

"Momma, no be sad."

I force myself to smile, but it comes easier than I thought as I gaze at Mikey. "Baby, I'm not sad," I reassure him, but of course, it's a lie.

I am sad.

I'm sick to my stomach.

I'm heartbroken after yesterday.

I haven't even had proper time to process everything, and then throwing all of this baby drama with Jared on top of it all feels suffocating.

But I breathe and sit next to my husband and son, and the three of us eat breakfast together as a family.

Things are stilted between Jared and me, but we can't really talk around Mikey. Part of me is glad.

When we're done, I wipe Mikey's hands and face, and Jared surprises me yet again.

"Daddy's gonna drop you off at preschool today," he says.

"I show you Gawy!" Mikey says excitedly.

"Who's that?"

"Gary, their class gecko," I answer.

"Ah." Jared smiles. "I can't wait."

On our way upstairs, I see Edward's car outside, but that doesn't mean he's home. Maybe he stayed the entire night at the hospital, by Gianna's bedside. Even though my heart hurts, it swells, too, because that's the kind of man he is.

I push him out of my mind, unable to think about him anymore.

While we follow behind Mikey up the steps, I quietly tell Jared, "You don't have to do this."

"Don't I, though?" he asks softly. "Besides, I want to."

"Jare—"

He stops on the landing, and Mikey disappears into his room.

"I'm sorry, okay?" he whispers. "I was a complete dick last night. I had some drinks with some of the guys before I came home. I wasn't thinking straight, and I didn't mean what I said, I just… I was upset, okay? But can you blame me?"

I stare at the floor. On the one hand, yes, he was a dick. On the other hand, I was, too. I also have things to be sorry for. Things he doesn't even know about. Not yet anyway.

"Bella, say something," he mumbles, grabbing my hip.

I look up at him. "I don't know what to say."

"Forgive me."

"It's not even that I don't forgive you," I murmur.

"Then what is it?"

I shake my head.

I can't come clean about Edward yet. I can't tell Jared we need to separate. I will, but I need time. Need things to feel less dire and less raw.

Jared sighs.

Mikey comes out of his room wearing a clean pair of underwear on his head. It's the perfect timing to lighten the moment and offer a distraction.

We laugh with him, and the tension eases.

I guess I should be happy. This morning, I had everything I wanted. Needed. Jared is attempting to do what I told him would make things better between us.

He was present and spending intentional time with his son. Apologized to me and seemed genuine about it.

But one morning can't undo the past.

I'm still left feeling off. Dissatisfied. Lacking.

I realize the problem isn't him— it's me.

I realize the problem is that he's not—and never will be—Edward.