"Wow, when you said a YT model freighter, I thought you meant one of the newer models. This piece of junk is a century old at least! Where did you get it, the scrap yard?!" Kazuma demanded as the party entered the docking bay.
The old ship in question did indeed look rather dilapidated, and a man a decade or so older than him was currently in the process of working on an open panel on the ships underside.
The man looked up and glared at Kazuma. "Watch your mouth, kid. This baby might look a bit worn out but she's got it where it counts."
"For the price we paid we could have bought our own ship, and one better than this!" Kazuma complained.
"Hey, the Millenium Falcon is iconic! Don't disrespect her!" Aqua argued.
"I think we've salvaged better ships in the desert. You're ripping us off!" Megumin huffed. "We want a discount."
"All sales are final, no refunds!" Chris said brightly. She pointed to the man who was closing the panel on the ship. "Cabin Boy! Stow the cargo and prepare for take off."
The man gave a mocking bow. "Oh, of course, 'captain!' Should I shine your boots while you're at it?"
"An excellent idea, Cabin Boy! In fact, you should shine everyone's shoes, as a part of your duties," Chris agreed breezily.
Chewbacca made a wheezing sound that made the Cabin Boy glare at him.
"Chewbacca is right, it's not fair he doesn't wear shoes!" Aqua said, looking mournful.
"Wookies don't wear shoes!" the Cabin Boy protested.
"Indeed, neither do droids, though my feet and actuators are rather worn out now," C3PO put in.
"Hmm, yes, this isn't fair," Chris mused. She snapped her fingers. "I know! The Cabin Boy will not only polish everyone's shoes, but also give a pedicure to Chewbacca and oil the droid's foot joints."
"WHAT?! Wookies don't need pedicures!" the Cabin Boy raged. "What sort of a bantha-brained-"
Chris wagged her finger. "A-a-ah. If the Cabin Boy ever wants to get a promotion and earn his ship back, he'd best follow orders."
"No reward is worth this," the Cabin Boy grumbled.
"I would also like a pedicure," Megumin declared. "And so would Yunyun."
"Yeah, I like pedicures too!" Aqua agreed happily.
The Cabin Boy gave them a disgusted look. "Do I look like someone who knows how to do a pedicure?"
Chewbacca slapped Kazuma on the back nearly hard enough to bowl him over and growled, "Raaaaaahhgh huurh uughguughhhghghghhhgh wrrhw uughguughhhghghghhhgh, aarrragghuuhw!"
"Oh don't you start too! Or I really WILL give you a pedicure!" the Cabin Boy snarled, pointing an accusatory finger at the wookie.
Chewbacca let out a chuffing noise and seemed rather pleased with himself, baring his fangs at the Cabin Boy.
"If you give First Mate Chewie any lip, it's the brig for you!" Chris declared. "Now get that luggage loaded!"
"We don't even HAVE a brig! The things I put up with…steal a man's ship…" the Cabin Boy muttered as he got the bags.
"Oh, sir! Please, let me assist with those," C3PO said, hurrying over. "As a protocol droid, it is my duty to-"
"Back off, tin head! It's enough bother to have to deal with one stuffy brat!"
"Oh, of course sir! That's why I'm not made of tin at all. You see, I'm made of a very durable alloy that-"
"See, this is why when I was captain, I didn't allow droids. Too much back talk."
The Cabin Boy managed to get most of the luggage and struggled off with it, C3PO carrying a single small bag and hurrying along, pontificating on how helpful droids were and how he never back talked.
"It's so hard to find good help these days," Chris sighed. Then she took out a chronometer and frowned at it.
"We should be going soon, we have a pressing schedule," Kenobi said, making for the boarding ramp.
"Yeah, we're all ready to go, it's just…" Chris frowned and tapped the blaster she had in a holster at her side.
"Expecting trouble?" Kazuma asked, and both Megumin and Yunyun perked up.
"I always expect trouble. I was figuring the Empire wouldn't be so willing to let you all go," Chris muttered.
"Well, I'm going aboard, I don't want to get shot at," Aqua huffed.
"That sounds like a good idea," Kazuma agreed, and hurried up the ramp after her, Kenobi following along behind.
Inside, Kazuma was once more deeply disappointed, as the ship was about as luxurious as it looked from the exterior. It was at least clean, but the floors were worn and scuffed, and there were exposed systems held together with various patch jobs.
"What's holding this ship together?" Kazuma demanded, looking around in disgust.
"Ducktape! It's the one true multiversal constant," Aqua explained.
"Well, whoever this duck is, we should be grateful, or else this ship is going to fall apart in the middle of hyperspace!" Kazuma complained.
Kenobi chucked and took a seat in one of the worn chairs. "You are trusting your eyes, not your instincts, young Skywalker. Search your feelings. What do you sense in the Force?"
"That you're all a bunch of weirdos. I'm not like you! I don't do the weird stuff!" Kazuma protested.
Aqua eyed him sideways. "Well, you'd better not do anything here. Chris locked away her panties, and I put special protections on both of us while you're aboard!"
Kazuma made several strangled sputtering noises, while Kenobi chuckled. "Your reputation precedes you. I suggest you set aside such carnal pursuits; it is not the way of the jedi."
"I'm not a jedi! Those dusty old prudes never got laid, and I intend to not be a-" Kazuma cut himself off, going bright red.
"Wow, does it smell like barnyard to anyone else in here?" the Cabin Boy remarked, sniffing the air ostentatiously as he slid the floor panel back over the cargo he'd placed in a hidden recess.
"If it does, it's from you, Cabin Boy!" Kazuma snapped back.
The older man was suddenly looming over Kazuma, making him swallow and talk half a step back. He was only half a head shorter, but the other man gave off an air of menace.
"I have to take that Cabin Boy crap off Chris, but you? I don't think so, Farm Boy. To you, I'm Han Solo, or better yet, sir. This is my ship, and this little joyride of yours is only because Chris finds yokels charming or something. I had better get paid for this, and so help me, if you make fun of my ship one more time, I'm going to TOW you to your destination out of the airlock!"
"Hey! Is this any way to treat a paying customer?" Kazuma demanded. He puffed himself up. "I'll have you know, that I am far from an ordinary farm boy!"
"Oh? Are you just an ordinary nerf herder then?" Han taunted.
Striking a dramatic pose, Kazuma intoned, "Mock me all you wish, but I will have you know that I am secretly Kazuma von Luftschloss Narfidort, Prinz der Verurteilung! I and my ancient jedi retainer along with the Princess of the Crimson Demon Clan and the greatest mage of the clan, are on a secret mission to rescue Princess Organa of Alderaan from the clutches of the Empire, that I might forge an alliance with that ancient house and bring peace to the galaxy!"
Han gave Kazuma an incredulous look, while Kenobi developed a sudden coughing fit, going rather pale.
"Bear up, Master Kenobi. If this rapscallion defies me, you have my permission to slay him," Kazuma said gravely as he pounded the old jedi's back.
"You expect me to buy that load of rancor droppings?" Han demanded. "That is the most ludicrous-"
"BEHOLD! I am Aqua, Hydro Archon and the God of Justice of Fontain!" Aqua suddenly said, posing as blue swirls of light formed about her and water splashed at her feet. "I have come on a secret mission to aid Prince Kazuma, Heir of House Luftschloss-Narfidort on his perilous mission to save Princess Lalatina!"
Solo blinked a bit, then looked over at Chewbacca, who was eyeing the humans (and Aqua) rather skeptically.
"Are you hearing this? How much longer are you going to play along?!" Han demanded of the wookie.
"Uughghhhgh raaaaaahhgh raaaaaahhgh, uugggh raaaaaahhgh huuguughghg, raaaaaahhgh uughguughhhghghghhhgh uughguughhhghghghhhgh wrrhwrwwhw!"
"I'm not getting paid enough for this," Han grumbled, and wandered off.
"Heh heh, nice!" Aqua giggled, giving Kazuma a thumbs up.
"Thanks for backing me up," Kazuma said, giving her a wink. "We showed that laserbrain."
"Yeah, I'm surprised you remember when we were on Teyvat! I'll tell Venti and the others you say hi next time we chat," Aqua agreed. Then she perked up. "Hey, have you seen our turrets? They're super cool! We should practice for the chase scene! You're still a good shot, right?"
"I don't mean to brag, but my guild has the top combat record on Legend of Galactic Heroes," Kazuma bragged. "They don't call me Miraclezuma for nothing!"
"Weird, usually they call you 'That Cheating Bastard' or 'The Perverted Exploiter,'" Aqua mused.
Before Kazuma could decide between dying of embarrassment that Aqua knew the other names the denizens of the games he played called him or strangling her, she turned around and led him to a pair of hatches, where there were dorsal and ventral turrets.
"Hey, these aren't bad! AG2Gs are a bit out of date, but they're still military grade stuff. How the heck did you get this?"
"Well, I dunno, I figure Han Solo put them on or something. But we can totally play with them since it's my ship now!" Aqua said gleefully, jumping into one seat and spinning it around as she made shooting noises with her mouth.
"Well that looks juvenile," Kazuma complained.
Aqua paused and sniffed. "Well there's another set up top. We can talk through the headset."
Kazuma quickly scrambled up the ladder, strapped in, and carefully looked around. Then he too started making shooting noises and spinning the turret about.
"I can hear you, Kazuma," Aqua's voice said through the headset on the consol. "See, it's fun, isn't it?"
Swearing, Kazuma scrambled for the headset. "Hey, take this seriously! Is there a training program we can run? You know, in case we have to fight off the Empire or something."
"Oh yeah, like when we escape the Death Star! Hmm, let me see. Oh, I think it's this button!"
All four blasters on Aqua's turret suddenly fired, blowing a gaping hole in the wall and rocking the ship with the blast.
There was a pop and hiss, and then Chris's voice was in Kazuma's ear.
"AQUA, WHAT DID YOU DO!?"
"Ahhh! I'm sorry, I was just trying to turn on training mode! It's Kazuma's fault!"
"Like vape it is! This schutta just activated the turret, I'm innocent here!"
"I don't care who did it! Dammit, now the Stormtroopers really ARE coming! ARGH! Get on board you Meg and Yun, we're taking off NOW!"
"So, like, do I just sit here…?" Kazuma asked, peering at the consol.
"DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING!" Chris raged. "Aqua, get out of there! Let Han or someone who knows how to shoot defend us!"
"It's my ship, I can play with the blaster turrets if I want!"
"It is not YOUR ship, it's MY ship! I'm the one who won it when I saved Han!"
"You saved Han!? It was me who did that, you were just there because Eris didn't want to come or something! Like she has a better way of spending her vacation!"
"I swear to the Seven, Aqua, I am going to strangle you someday, but not before this stops being hilarious! ARGH! We're taking off!"
Kazuma sat in his seat, reclining as he watched the dust settle outside. Then he spotted the Stormtroopers running up, blasters at the ready.
"Oh hell," Kazuma groaned. "This ain't good."
He rotated the blaster, getting ready to open fire. Just as he was about to shoot, the ship's engine roared, and the ship began to lift into the air.
Then they suddenly coughed, died, and the Falcon dropped back to the ground.
"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Chris raged. "What happened!?"
"Wow, for a so-called captain, you don't seem to know too much about flying your ship," Han's voice drawled. "Real shame, that."
"Oh shut up! I know how to fly a ship, the engines just died!" Chris ranted. "They never did that before!"
"That's because you're trying to do an emergency takeoff. You need to manage the feed or you'll overload the system. You know how to do that, right?" Han asked casually.
Blaster fire began to ping off the ship, and Kazuma touched his headpiece. "Yo, we're taking fire."
"I CAN SEE THAT!" Chris shouted, making Kazuma wince. "Ugh, it's just handheld weapons, let me run the start up again and-"
"I got them!" Aqua said happily. Her turret roared to life, blasting several more holes in the wall, far away from where the Storm Troopers were. "Oops, um, let me- AHHH, CHEWIE NO! I'M A GODDESS YOU CAN'T JUST-"
"Warrraaagh! Arrraaarrr."
"Dammit, her power draw shut the engines down again. Who designed this thing!?" Chris ranted.
"Me, actually," Han said in conversational tones. "Takes a real pro to fly this thing."
"Fine! You do it then!"
"Me? I'm just a lowly cabin boy. I'm sure the Imps will let me go when I explain how my ship was taken from me."
"..."
"Now, if someone were to give me my ship back…"
"I'm promoting you to Navigational Officer."
"That's not really attractive, since I am really the captain."
"And giving you an extra share of the Treasure as befits your new rank."
"What treasure?"
"You heard Kazuma. He's a prince, and we're rescuing a Princess. We're getting a million. Even."
"I don't believe you."
"Would I lie to you?"
"Yes."
"Oh for- you know I'm good for it, just get us out of here before they get that turret set up!"
"Oh, fine. But you better pay up."
The ship rose into the air again, and this time they shot away, Kazuma being thrown back against his chair. On a whim, he carefully aimed, then blew the Stormtroopers below him to dust.
Then the ship suddenly rocked.
"Oh, great! We've attracted some real attention! There's a full flight of TIEs coming in!" Han complained.
"I thought you said you knew how to fly this thing!" Chris accused.
"It's OK! I got them!" Aqua said eagerly. "Taste the fury of a goddess!"
Nothing happened, and Kazuma sighed. "Aqua, did you enable training mode?"
"Oh, um…maybe? It says it's in Sim mode. I like the Sims, so I was hoping it would let me build a house but it's just got these weird lights flying by."
"I got it. But will someone who ACTUALLY knows how to hit the broad side of a bantha take over from this useless 'goddess'?" Kazuma demanded, which led to Aqua crying and calling him a bully.
Carefully, Kazuma aimed down the sites, but the TIEs were moving rather quickly, and with the atmospheric interference, he only clipped one of the enemy fighters. Blaster fire impacted the shields, making the Falcon shudder.
"Dammit, I hate doing this," Kazuma muttered, but he let out a deep breath and relaxed. He reached within himself, feeling his connection to everything around him, even the enemy fighters. He felt when the right time was, and almost lazily, tapped the firing mechanism. Two fighters exploded in showers of debris, and Kazuma grinned. "And THAT is why they call me the Cheating Bastard of Tatooine!"
The last fighter roared in, and Kazuma focused once more, sensing when the time was right. He reached out again, pulling it towards him and blew the TIE out of the skies.
For a brief moment, Kazuma reveled in his connection to the universe. He reached out once more, sensing something…something important. He pulled it towards himself again, willing it into his hands…Yes! It was his, the most precious-
There was a sharp impact on the back of Kazuma's head, and his nose smashed into the consol.
"K-KAZUMA! I-I TOLD YOU NOT TO STEAL MY P-PANTIES!" Yunyun shrieked. "G-GIVE THEM BACK! I-I WAS JUST COMING TO CHECK ON YOU BECAUSE MEGUMIN TOOK THE OTHER TURRET!"
"Ow! That's some thanks for saving our lives!" Kazuma snarled, spinning around and finding himself nose to nose with Yunyun, who was rather flushed, her red eyes blazing.
Wait, did that mean she was angry, or…?
"Give them back r-right now! Or I, I…I w-won't be your…f…f…g-girl f-f…I w-will be very angry!" Yunyun wailed.
"Fine! It was an accident, I swear! I was trying to, you know…um…use my mystic powers to blow up the TIEs," Kazuma muttered, handing over what he'd managed to "accidentally" snatch.
"Kazutrash, if you've been stealing Yunyun's panties again, I swear I'll kill you!" Megumin raged, shouting up from below.
"Why, jealous?!" Kazuma demanded as Yunyun scrambled away to somewhere more private.
"WHY WOULD I BE JEALOUS OF YOU PERVING ON MY RIVAL!? EXPLAIN THAT TO ME!" Megumin shrieked, poking her head up to glare at Kazuma.
"Will you all shut up!? We've got three big cruisers closing on us just outside the atmosphere!" Solo's voice roared through the headset.
"Oh crap!" Kazuma gasped, and turned back around, trying to focus. "I can take 'em!"
"Are you stupid, or just crazy!? These aren't local cruisers, these are the big liners! Now shut up so I can fly!" Solo ordered.
"Eh, we'll make it," Chris' voice said confidently.
"Lady Luck herself would have to smile on us for THAT," Solo muttered.
"In my experience, there is no such thing as luck," Obi-wan's voice opined.
Chris let out an offended squawk. "The nerve! Lady Eris views this ship very favorably, I'll have you know!"
"This cockpit is too crowded! Will you both shut up!? It's like trying to fly through a mynock infested tunnel in here!" Han complained.
"The Force will guide us," Kenobi said confidently.
"Yeah, well, the force I'm worried about is three big warships!" Han snapped. "Will you-"
"I can see them!" Kazuma gasped. "Oh poodoo, they're-"
Blue bolts of lightning streaked out from the ships, and while Han managed to dodge quite a bit of it, several impacted the Falcon, and the ship's thrusters cut out, along with the lights.
"Did they just hit us?" Kazuma gasped. He slid down the ladder, nearly running into Megumin.
"Ow! You pervert! You did that on purpose!" she accused, shoving Kazuma's rear end out of her face.
"It's not my fault, it's dark! I can't see a thing!" Kazuma argued.
"Oh sure, that excuse again! As if normal people can't see perfectly well in the dark."
"I will have you know that most of us don't have night vision because we AREN'T CRAZY CRIMSON DEMONS!"
"Hmph. Big talk from the 'Prinz der Verurteilung.'"
"Oh. Um, heard that, did you?"
"Please. As the leader of Megumin's Adventure Crew, how could I forget the titles of my brave companions? Now get out of my way so we can get to the bridge!"
Kazuma managed to follow Megumin through the darkened ship, arguing that it has been HIS adventure crew, not hers, while she pointed out that he was engaging in "cultural appropriation."
"You're the one who TAUGHT me about that nonsense!" Kazuma protested.
"Shh, listen, we're trying to come up with a plan," Megumin hushed as they arrived at the chaotic cockpit.
Inside, Aqua was crying. "We weren't supposed to get caught on Tatooine! What about the poor people of Alderaan?! What about the Death Star?!"
"The what?" Meguin asked, suddenly interested.
"NOTHING!" Chris and Aqua said at the same time.
"If someone hadn't tried to blow up the spaceport, we'd have gotten away! Now they're going to execute us because you idiots blew up four TIE fighters and a squad of stormtroopers!" Han argued.
Kenobi shook his head. "I sense our purpose is here. This was no accident."
"Oh, so now you're arguing that Aqua INTENTIONALLY nearly got us killed? Great, I can't decide if you're all insane, stupid, or both!" Han snapped.
"Nearly isn't the same thing as dead," Kenobi said patiently, looking at the Star Destroyer that was drawing them into its hanger, to rest beside another capture ship. "Look. The Princess' ship, unless I miss my guess. We shall rescue her as planned."
"Ha! Nothing can stop the Crimson Demon clan! We shall liberate the princess, and capture this 'Death Star!'" Megumin said gleefully.
"Let's just focus on NOT getting shot when the storm troopers board!" Kazuma growled. "Do you have a plan for THAT!?"
Kenobi drew out his lightsaber and ignited it, bathing the cockpit in a blue light. "I plan on introducing myself very politely."
"That's it," Han said, shaking his head. "You are both crazy AND stupid!"
"Meh. We've done worse," Chris said with a shrug.