CHAPTER 16
ABBA'S dancing queen is blasting in the truck as I see Gran and I belt the lyrics at the top of our lungs, laughing in the pure enjoyment of the moment. I'm here and I'm not. There's two of me, I realize as I'm realize I'm positioned in the bed of the truck, watching the last special moments between Gran and I before the accident.
Oh god, not again. I don't want to relive this again.
"Oh Bella, thank you for today. It's so wonderful." I hear Gran say. I'm watching her from my spot in the bed of my truck. She's not looking at the me in the drivers seat. She's looking in the rearview mirror, catching my eye. Me. In the bed of the truck. It's almost as though she knows I'm there watching.
"You say it as though we won't have many others Gran," I hear myself say as I glance in Gran's direction, worried. "Are you ok?"
"I'll be just fine dear," Gran tells me. I see her eyes are guarded. She knows something. They held secrets…something that she was holding back saying. "I've been meaning to talk to you for some time Bella."
"What's on your mind," I turn the music off altogether, giving Gran her full attention while also minding the rode.
"Your birthday is fast approaching," Gran starts.
"It does that every year Gran," I hear myself laugh. I want to smack myself. It's not a time for laughing or making jokes.
"Don't being a moron! Pull over!" I shout from my spot. But just as with all the dreamscapes, no one can hear me. But I see Gran glancing at me. Does she know? How does she know?
"Yes, but you're turning 18," Gran continued, hesitantly.
"18's not that big of a deal Gran," I tell her.
"Bella," Gran started but stopped abruptly, a gasp coming from her lips as she moves her right arm to grab ahold of her left arm as though she's in pain.
"Gran!" I yell at the same time the Bella behind the wheel yells in alarm.
"Gran?!" I'm looking in her direction, noticing Gran was now unconscious. "GRAN!" Bella turned back to the road. And there it is. In that moment, something appearing on the road. It has a purpose but what strikes me is it's not standing in the middle of the road. Was this not the thing that caught me off guard?
I'm determined to make this dreamscape more memorable, more purposeful than the rest. I'm jumping out of the bed of the moving truck, running towards whatever this figure is in the middle of the road. Jumping out doesn't faze me. I'm not truly here…I don't think. I'm looking at the figure ahead.
It doesn't look like a person. There is no true shape. It's extremely difficult to make out who or what this is and I'm caught off guard when it suddenly turns to me. All I see is glowing red eyes. The energy coming off thing is dark. And I stop short on my run towards it in the middle of the road without realizing where I am standing. I'm staring at it, in shock and looking in the direction of my oncoming truck.
"MOVE!" I try to scream, try to give myself some warning. But I fail because the truck is swerving and blazes through the guardrail.
"No, no, no!" I'm running towards the accident, looking over the bridge as the truck is quickly being pulled under and into the water.
"Hurry Bella!" Gran is beside me. I turn to look at her in shock,
"Gran, what is going on?!" I ask.
"HURRY!" she urges and I'm suddenly hitting the water going under, under, under until I'm at the door to my driver's side. I can see myself struggling to breathe. Gran is in the passenger seat, unconscious. I want to get to her. But suddenly, I'm seeing her peering in from the water, into the car on the passenger side. She's shaking her head at me, stopping me from even attempting what she somehow knows I am to do. She's pointing to me.
"HURRY!" I don't hear her, we're in the water. But I can make out her words, see her urgency as she's urging me to stop wasting time and act…
I startle awake, gasping for air. I'm confused. I can't make out where I am.
"Is she ok?" I hear a voice ask. I'm confused at first. Not sure I am or who I'm with. "Rose, is she ok?"
Edward. Edward is asking if I'm ok. I'm taking deeps breaths.
"I'm not sure," Rose says, her voice filled with concern. "Focus on the road Edward."
"I should pull over," he says.
"We're five minutes from the hotel," Rose tells him. "Focus on getting us there in one piece and then you can see for yourself if she's ok."
"What's going on?" I ask her, my voice raspy. I clear my throat.
"You scared the hell out of us, that's what," Rose tells me. She's beside me. "You were asleep. You must have had some dream because you were screaming, thrashing and then it sounded like you were damn near choking." I look at her with wide eyes. I recall before waking up the sensation of struggling against the water trying to breathe. But how could that physically manifest? Was it not a dream?
"Where are we?" I ask, confused.
"We're almost at the hotel," Rose tells me. "Phoenix."
I'm sitting, processing, and trying to recall. Trying to remember.
"Bella, do you remember us leaving for Phoenix?" Rose looks concerns and glances up front to where Edward is driving. And I do.
I do remember leaving. I remember getting everything in order. I remember arguing with Edward over his insistence on going to Phoenix with us when things between the two of us were so far from ok. I didn't understand his sudden change in demeanor. I didn't understand his willingness to simply accept the truth after his harsh accusations. He'd tried explaining to me. But I wasn't ready to listen. And each day we got closer to leaving for Phoenix we would argue over him coming.
I didn't want him to come. He needed to come. I didn't see how he could be there for me. He listed several insistent reasons as to why I would need him.
I'd never traveled outside of Forks. What if I'm overwhelmed, who could I lean on? Rose would be working.
I hadn't seen my mother since I was a toddler. What if it goes terribly? What if she refused to see him? Who would I lean on? Rose would be working.
I didn't like traveling, especially in a car. What if I freaked out during the road trip? Who would I lean on.
I said I would be fine. I knew I could keep it together. But clearly, I was wrong.
I was not fine. That was not like dreams I'd ever had before. This was becoming too real. It felt as though I was truly there. It was more than a memory. How could that be?
"I remember," I finally say. They look relieved that I've finally said something after continued silence.
"We're here," Edward says, pulling into a parking spot.
"I'll go check us in," Rose tells. I want to protest. I would rather be with Rose than Edward, but I know it's useless to fight about it. And quite honestly, I'm feeling a pressure in my head coming on that I don't care enough to start another disagreement that will lead us to an impasse.
Rose gets out of the car. Edward in that time has turned off the engine and is taking Rose's spot next to me in the back. He reaches for my hand, but I pull it away. If not for any reason other than I am not ready right not to be touched. It's not personal.
"Do you have dreams like this often?" he asks, he's trying hard to mask the hurt on his face from my pulling away.
"Like this? It's the second time," I tell him.
"Is it always the same thing or different?" he's trying to understand to gauge how best to offer me comfort. I look at him.
"I've typically had recurring dreams of the night of the accident," I tell him. He looks pained to hear this. "But these last two have felt too real."
"What do you mean?" I can see his hand gripping to the seat next to me. Like he's trying to fight the urge he has not to reach over and take my hand.
"Usually it's dreams, memories, "I say. He nods his head, he's following along. "But the tonight and before it was like I was there. Like I was visiting and seeing the scene unfold. Getting perspective and interacting without being seen?"
"Can that…I don't know…be a thing?" Edward ask, unsure.
"A thing?" I'm confused.
"I'm sorry I don't even know how to ask or form the words," he apologizes. "I mean…given what you can do. Is it possible you werevisiting? That you were there?"
"Well, I didn't time travel," I laugh. But I'm considering what he's saying with a new interest.
"Of course not," he laughs. "Physically you were here the entire time."
"Right….physically," I say, my voice trailing off.
"What are you thinking?" he asks.
"I don't know," I tell him honestly. "There's so much I don't know or understand. But what if there was a way for me to actually be there?"
"Ok, say it was possible," he says. "In what way? Astral projection?"
"Astral projection?" I ask, taken by surprise. "How do you even know about something like that?"
"Why because I was a skeptic?" he teases. "It's because I was searching for answers in my failed attempts to connect with Charlie. Astral project, lucid dreaming, different ways to connect to the spiritual plane, astral plane…it came up."
"This is too weird," I admit.
"What is?" He asks, curious.
"Hearing you of all people talk about this and these possibilities," I tell him.
"Bella," he sighs. "I screwed up in how I reacted. I know I attacked you, your character, but please understand I know you are genuine and good at heart. I was just too clouded in my past experiences and heart ache to see you. My mind went back there all at once and I reacted without thinking, I'm sorry. And I know you need time to think-now not being that time given why you're in Phoenix to begin with—but I hope you can forgive me. You mean… so much to me. I can't lose you."
I close my eyes. I'm trying to hear his words. I'm trying to believe his words. He has no reason to lie to me. And I'm being open minded. As much as I want him. As much as I want to move forward with him…I can't seem to feel ready to take that leap and give him my full heart. It's still wounded.
"I just need time," I tell him.
"I know," he smiles sadly. "But I'm here for you, I'm not going anywhere Bella."
"Alright, ready guys?" Rose is back bearing keys to our respective rooms. Edward gets out and is quick to come around to my passenger door to help me out. On one hand, I don't want him to help me. But on the other, I'm admittedly a bit shaky still from that dream and don't trust myself to move without the possible support. I can feel my legs wobbling a bit as I step out and without thinking, I'm holding onto Edward like he's, my lifeline. The sensation that is every time we touch is back full force. It's nearly overwhelming. I let him guide me, not trusting myself as he leads me to what will be my room.
"Is it a good idea for you to be alone tonight?" Edward asks.
"She won't be," Rose comes to my side. "We're bunking together, isn't that right Bella?"
Edward looks surprised. He's pleased on one hand realizing I won't be alone. But there's a sadness present too as though he wanted to be the one staying with me.
"Right," I'm admittedly sad too.
"I'll come by around 10:30 tomorrow morning to take you the facility, Bella," Edward tells me.
"Thank you," I give him a tentative smile and follow Rose inside our shared room.
"He really hates that he's not the one in here with you," Rose laughs after I've shut the door. I go over to the bed not claimed by Rose and start going through my packed suitcase for something to change into as I get cleaned up. I smile at her and am entertained by how amusing she finds Edward's evident frustration.
"I'll be right back," I tell her and head to the bathroom. I'm staring at my reflection and nearly flinch at how worn down I look. All that happened was my being in a car off and on during the road trip to Phoenix. But it looks like I'd been through quite an ordeal, and I can't help but think of the new variant of the nightmare I'd had before we got to the hotel.
I can't help but think back at what was so different this time compared to the last.
The shadow figure, lurking on the road with the red eyes…It was as though he could see me. Me. Not necessarily the me of that night but the me who was dreaming up the tragedy.
Me. Me being in the middle of the road, unable to seemingly be able to move out of the way so the truck wouldn't have to swerve. Me telling myself to stop before anything could happen.
Gran. Gran, gran, and spirit Gran. I could have sworn she knew my dream self was there in the bed of the truck watching the exchange.
Gran's spirit appearing on the bridge telling me to hurry and again in the water with me after feeling as though I'd been pushed in and rushed to the truck door and keeping me from attempting to save her. But did that mean I saved myself? How?
I'm processing everything, feeling the pressure in my head building. I'm so confused.
And I can't help but think about Edward's theories before Rose came back. I don't know much about astral projection or lucid dreaming, and I certainly have no idea if I could be capable of such things. But if my mom could connect and be influenced in her dreams to the spirit world, then was it possible I could interact in some way, shape or form myself?
With astral projection, I don't believe I would be able to physically manipulate anything around me, even if I was suddenly in that place at that exact time. But lucid dreaming? I was aware…and if…big if…I got myself out of the water then manipulation of objects around me would be possible.
I shake my head at the thought.
What a stretch, Bella, I think to myself. Shaking my head at the absurdity, I leave the bathroom once I'm ready and go to the bed.
"All yours," I smile at Rose. "Hey Rose—" I call out, stopping her in her tracks as she headed towards the bathroom. "Thank you."
She smiles at me, nodding her head and heads in to get herself together. I don't stay up much longer and find sleep welcomes me. It's an easier night than it had been drive.
Rose leaves early, she's got a busy workday and has a car arrive to pick her up. Edward is prompt, showing up at 10:30 on the dot bringing coffee with him.
"How'd you sleep?" he asks, searching my face.
"Well, thank you," I smile, taking the coffee he's offering.
"Are you nervous?" he leads the way to the car, opening the door for me.
"A little," I admit. "I don't think she'll even recognize me."
"You never know," he offers hope. We drive in a comfortable silence. I'm taking in the different type of environment I'm in. It's certainly not the small-town vibe like Forks emanates. It feels good to see something new. To see sun for a change compared to the constant cloud cover and rain of Forks.
Twenty minutes later, we arrive. I'm staring at the facility, nervous suddenly.
"I'm right here with you," he tells me. I nod my head and slowly get out of the car. I get out before he can come around and help me get out. But I don't hesitate in taking his hand which he'd extended out for me. He looks surprised. I'm surprised. It was so instinctual to be with him. It was easy to gravitate towards him. He was my light.
We come inside and I head over to a woman sitting behind a desk, busy typing on the computer. She hears me come up and looks up at me, she's weary.
"Visiting Renee Dwyer," I tell her. She looks surprised. Genuinely surprised.
"Ms. Dwyer hasn't had visitors since she's been here," she's unsure. "I didn't think anyone was on the list."
"The list?" I ask, not sure what she means.
"You have to be on a patients list of approved visitors to be allowed in to see them," she explains. She's typing on her computer. "Can I see your photo ID please?"
I look in my purse, pulling out my wallet. I hand her my I.D. Damn. I wouldn't' be able to see her. I'm waiting for her to break the news to me that I won't be allowed in to see her because of the lack of authorization. But after several minutes, she's handing me a visitor sign in sheet and handing my ID back to me along with a visitors pass.
I look at Edward, surprised.
"He won't be able to go in the room with you," the woman shares. "But can wait right outside the doors until you've completed your visit. If you go through these doors, make a left and follow the path down. There will be an orderly to let you in. They've been notified to bring her to meet with you."
"Thank you," I say, genuinely. I'm following Edward through the doors as we were instructed.
"You look surprised," he gathers.
"I didn't think I would be on the list," I tell him. "How could I be?"
"Maybe she made sure you'd be on there, in case you came looking for her?" He guesses.
"I don't know," I tell him. We make it to the doors and there's a guard waiting for me. He's listing items I cannot bring in with me and Edward graciously offers to hold on to my things for me.
"I'll be right here," he tells me. I smile at him, appreciative of his support. I will never admit to him that he was right in coming. I'll never hear the end of it.
I look around the room at the various tables set up for those visiting. There's only a handful of others here. Spirits, fortunately are scarce. I take a seat in the table in the middle and wait.
It isn't long before I hear the buzz of the door opposite me and they are granting access to a petite woman with short, dark frazzled hair. It's in disarray. She's frail and pale and her eyes are slightly sunken in. They show her wear to go and she sits opposite me, eyeing me suspiciously. She's looking around the room, guarded. She's watching for something. But? I have no clue. I don't see anything out of the ordinary.
"Do you know who I am?" I ask her. She's looking at me, trying to place me. She says nothing.
"It's Bella." I tell her. Nothing. "Isabella…Swan. Your daughter." Her eyes grow wide.
"No," she shakes her head. "No, not here. Not safe. Red eyes. Red eyes. No face."
I'm confused. I look at her. I steal a glance back at Edward who is watching. Whatever he sees on my face, he's concerned.
"I brought this with me," I take out the letter I'd found dated just before the accident and place it in front of her. "I only just opened it. I had to find you. What does this mean?" She's staring at the letter with wide eyes. She says nothing.
"Renee, I'm trying to understand," I tell her. "This was before the car accident. This was ten years ago."
"Ten years?" she asks, confused. "It happened? Did she get in the car? Did she keep her away?"
"Who had to be kept away?" I press.
"No, no," she shakes her head again. "Red eyes, not safe. Not here." I don't understand.
"Who was this warning?" I ask again. "Me? Gran? Renee, Gran died that night. Did you know she passed?"
Suddenly, Gran is seated to my side. The table had four chairs. One on each side of the square table. Gran is positioned in between me and my mom. I can't hear her. I don't have my camera nor would I have been allowed to bring it in here with me. But I see her trying to say something and I notice mom cringing. She's cringing and trying to angle herself away from where Gran is positioned. And I realize. She sees Gran.
"You see her, don't you?" I ask. Renee's eyes snap at mine. That's the confirmation I need. I look at Gran, she nodding her head, her way of acknowledging that yes, in fact Renee can see her.
"Voices, so loud, screaming," Renee continues. "Not safe. Should've stayed away from the car."
"That was ten years ago," I tell her, confused. "We were both in the car."
"What?" she looks panicked.
"We were both in the car that night," I tell her. "It went into the river."
"But…you're here and alive…"she looks at Gran, albeit she looks terrified to look. "No no…the shadow. He lingers. He watches. Takes. Not safe. The red eyes!" She's becoming hysterical and I'm getting nervous. I'm looking at Gran who looks nervous as well and concerned.
"I don't understand," I tell her. I say it to both. The orderly is coming to get Renee to take her away as they notice her become hysterical. I don't have a chance to say anything else before they've taken her but a nurse comes over.
"I'm sorry," she says to me. "She's never had visitors and we suspect she hasn't been taking her medication"
"You're medicating her?" I'm accusatory. Are they trying to make her think what she sees isn't real?
"She signed herself into this facility willingly years ago," she tells me and I'm surprised. "If you come back another time, maybe she'll be more prepared for having a visitor?"
"I'm not from here," I tell her. "I'm only here for the week."
"Well, why don't you leave your number. We can update you on her status?" The nurse offers. I see Gran shaking her head no, advising me not to leave anything for them here.
"That's ok," I tell her. "I'll try to come again before I leave. Is she usually like this?"
"It's not the worst it's been," the nurse tells me. I thank her and we each part ways. I made it over to where Edward is anxiously waiting for me.
"What happened are you ok?" he asks. I shake my head and take his hand, leading him out of the facility. This isn't where I want to have this conversation.
He waits patiently until we're in the car and then is wanting some answers. But I can't help but think over the different things she had said to me. He's watching. No face. RED EYES.
And I think back to the shadow I'd seen last night in my dream. No face. No shape. Just menacing red eyes glowering at me, watching me. Is that who she meant?
"Bella?" Edward asks, capturing my attention. "What happened in there?"
"I don't understand what happened in there," I tell him. "She wasn't making any sense."
"How so?" he takes my hand.
"She kept going back and forth about it not being safe. Saying something about a faceless shadow with red eyes, watching." I tell him, recalling our conversation.
"Who does she mean? Do you know?" he asks. I'm still thinking. Could it be connected. She seemed so surprised to see me…alive. "Bella?"
"I'm not certain, but I think I might…" I tell him. "Last night in the dream, I was back there…that night of the accident. This time I'd seen what had been in the road."
"You mean the something that appeared out of nowhere? Why you swerved to avoid hitting them?" he clarified. I nod my head.
"In my dream I saw a shapeless black form with red eyes," I tell him. I have his attention. The hold on my hand tightens. "and it saw me."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"I don't mean the me that was there that night…the night of the accident. It was focused on my truck, yes," I tell him. I doubt I'm making sense. "But I tried running at it, getting it out of the way so the truck wouldn't swerve. But I couldn't move from the middle of the road."
"The middle of the road?" he repeats. I nod.
"Then it looked right at me," I tell him. "Like it knew I was there, in the dream sequence. It wouldn't let me move. And the truck swerved, going over and into the water."
"But it saw you," he confirms.
"I think so," I tell him. "I really don't understand any of it. But what you were saying last night about astral projection and lucid dreaming got me thinking…if such a thing could be real…say it was. Say I was there. Say that shadow who saw me was the shadow my mom wrote about, warning about and I was the person appearing in the middle of the road that night…what if it was me?"
"We're talking about the possibility that you were back that night somehow and you were the person in the road that caused you to swerve to avoid a collision," he repeated, processing, trying to understand. I nod. "So where does this shadow fit in? How did you get out?"
"My mom looked genuinely surprised that her letter wasn't listened to and said it was impossible for me to be there, alive." I tell him. "What if I was the one, she was warning to stay away from the truck and whatever menacing spirits she's been seeing was after me?"
"How would she even know that?" he's confused.
"Gran said my mother's gift worked differently…spirits she'd see day to day and in her dreams weren't always friendly. She said what she encountered had a way of influencing those around her to do harm…it's why she left, to protect me." I tell him. He's surprised. In avoiding him, I had yet to explain to him how it all worked for me, for Gran, for my mother.
"Demonic spirits, those are the ones you're talking about," he clarifies.
"Maybe?" I say. "I've never dealt with this type of thing. I sound insane."
"No, you don't," he disagrees. "It's just…a lot. Let's says that is the case. Just for arguments sake. What does it mean?" I'm thinking.
"She said it was watching. That it wasn't safe," I tell him.
"Meaning what, that you're not safe?" he looks worried.
"I've been ok all these years," I sigh, not understanding. "I've never sensed anything menacing lurking in the shadows."
"But why would she think it wasn't safe then?" he asks.
"I don't know," I look at him. "I feel like in searching for answers, I'm walking about with more questions. I wish mom was lucid enough to explain."
"What are you going to do? What do you want to do?" he inquires.
"I think I need to come back," I tell him, looking him in the eyes. "I think in a couple days, I should try talking to her again."
He's searching my eyes, looking to see if I'm sure. And I am. Whatever he sees there is enough to assure him in the next plan and he smiles.
"A couple days then," he nods. "Let's get lunch?"
"Lunch sounds good," I smile.