Opening Montage
Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles
First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...
Lawndale
S. 2, Ep. 3
"Spare The Rod, Spoil The Quinn"
written by
WildDogJJ
Pizza King...
Quinn and Stacy were having lunch at Pizza King. While the place is a teen hangout the thrity-something best friends still like to eat here for sentimental reasons.
"Thanks for having lunch with me, Quinn" said Stacy.
Quinn said "No problem, Stacy. I felt like catching up with an old friend anyway. Thanks for paying."
Stacy now looked guilty.
"Quinn, I have a confession to make. This isn't entirely a social call."
Suddenly concerned for her friend, Quinn asked "What's wrong?"
Stacy said "See, it's like this. I'm being sent out of town next week. With the mid-term elections coming up the station wants me to do the evening news in Washington. The problem is that next week is the same week that Chuck's attending an IT seminar in Seattle. Quinn, I hate to dump this on you but would you mind taking Chucky and Q for the week."
Smiling, Quinn said "Stacy, of course I'll take them. I am Chucky's godmother after all and Q would be a welcome addition. Not that I don't love my husband and sons, but it'd be nice to have another girl in the house."
Giddy, Stacy said "Thank you, Quinn! Thank you so much." Turning serious, she added "Now, I should warn you that Chucky likes to test people to see what he can get away with. I blame that boy's best friend."
Quinn asked "Who's his best friend?"
Stacy said "Greg Keanen. He's a bit of a delinquint. He's the reason Chucky's been held back twice. Neither of them apply themselves at school. That's another thing, I want you to really ride Chucky's ass about doing his schoolwork."
Quinn looked thoughtful.
Casa Carbone, evening...
Quinn, Jim, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were at the kitchen table having dinner. Quinn has just informed them that Chucky and Q will be staying with them for a week.
"It's alright with me" said Jim.
Added Tommy "Yeah, Chucky's cool, and Greg Keanen's a total badass."
Quinn said "Stacy told me not to let Chucky invite him over."
Tommy frowned upon hearing this.
"Who's Greg Keanen," asked Jim, "And why doesn't Stacy want him visiting Chucky?"
Timmy explained "Greg Keanen's one of the worst bullies at school."
Teddy added "He's even worse than Shane Sloan."
Tommy said "I heard he punched out a teacher once."
Teddy rolled his eyes. "You are so gullible."
A few evenings later...
Quinn, Jim, Tommy, Timmy and Teddy were once again having dinner at the kitchen table. Chucky and Q are with them. Chucky is a tall, skinny thirteen-year-old with shaggy red hair who speaks in a snarky monotone. Q is short for Quinn Ruttheimer, Chuck and Stacy's daughter, who's the same age as the triplets and looks like a pre-teen version of her own mother. Unlike Chucky, Q's very well-behaved and considerate.
Q said "Thanks for letting us stay here, Aunt Quinn and Uncle Jim."
"It's no trouble at all, Q," said Quinn.
Added Jim "Yeah, you're always welcome here."
Chucky looked at his spaghetti and meatballs.
"What is this?"
Jim's eyes went wide. "You can't seriously tell me you've never had spaghetti before!?"
Chucky just shrugged. "Whatever."
Turning to Chucky, Tommy asked "You wanna play video games after dinner?"
Chucky snarked "You're a gamer."
Wanting to change the subject, Quinn asked "How was school today?"
Teddy said "Well, I asked a question the teacher couldn't answer, so the usual."
Chucky spoke in his usual snarky monotone.
"You're a brain."
Turning to Timmy, Quinn asked "How about you, Timmy?"
Timmy continued to stare at Q and didn't even hear his mother speak.
"Timmy," said Jim, "Your mother asked you a question."
This snapped Timmy out of his trance. Q seemed oblivious to his staring.
"Sorry, Dad."
Chucky snarked at Timmy. "You're in love with my sister."
"He is not!" Q protested.
Teddy remarked "Yet he can't stop staring at you."
Before the conversation could continue, Tommy whined "Doesn't anyone wanna know how my day went?"
To Tommy, Chucky snarked "You're an attention whore."
Everyone frowned at Chucky when he said that.
The next morning...
Music: "Your Body" by Christina Aguilera
Quinn was in the master bathroom listening to the radio while taking a shower. As she washed herself, she sang along.
"All I wanna do is love your body, woaaahhhooohhhoohhhohohoh."
She was so into it that she didn't notice the bathroom door open. A few seconds later she didn't notice a small hand holding an I-Phone slide through the shower curtain and start snapping pictures. Completely unaware that her privacy was being invaded Quinn continued to sing along.
"To-night's the night and I'm feeling naughty, woaaahhhooohhhohhhohohoh."
The intruder left as Quinn remained unaware of the intrusion.
Upstairs hallway, a few seconds later...
Chuck was scrolling through the pictures he just took.
"I saw my godmother's boobs."
Lewis Elementary School, later that day...
The kids are all on the playground for recess. Tommy is hanging out on the jungle gym with Kevin Jr.
Kevin Jr. asked "So, has your brother tried to kiss Q yet?"
Tommy shook his head. The two boys look over at Timmy, who's playing with Q and her friends.
"No" said Tommy, "But she asked to sleep in my room last night."
Kevin Jr.'s eyes went wide. "Dude! Your brother's crushing on Q Ruttheimer and she's crushing on you!? That's totally messed up.!"
Rolling his eyes, Tommy said "Tell me about it."
Meanwhile, Timmy was sitting with Q and her friends while they talk. One of her friends, a blond, said "OMG! You saw Tommy Carbone in his pajamas!"
Beaming, Q said "I know. He's sooooooooo cute."
With a slight hint of jealousy in his voice, Timmy asked "Am I cute?"
Q half-heartedly said "Um...well...I guess. If you lost some weight."
Timmy now looked sad, which made Q feel guilty.
"Sorry, I shouldn't be mean," she said.
Timmy said "I know."
Q said "Look, Timmy, I like you, but just as a friend."
Nervous, Timmy said "I know. I...um...I just like you as a friend, too."
As Q and the other girls resumed talking, Timmy thought Dammit, why can't you tell her you "like" like her?
Meanwhile, at Glenfield Middle School...
Chucky was hanging out with Greg Keanen. Greg has blond hair which is gelled into spikes and an Ed Hardy T-shirt over his chubby frame. Chucky is showing him the pictures on his I-Phone.
"Whoa!" said Greg, "Mrs. Carbone's totally hot!"
Chucky said "Yeah, she's a MILF."
Greg whipped out his own I-Phone. Chucky immediately sent the pictures to him.
"Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!" said Greg in a voice similar to Beavis.
"Yeah," said Chucky, "Boobs rule. Huh-huh."
Casa Carbone, that afternoon...
Chucky was sitting on the living room sofa watching TV. On the screen was a woman in the shower, unaware that she was being photographed. The TV then cut to a tweleve-year-old boy looking at the pictures with a disturbingly lecherous grin.
"He took pictures of his mom in the shower...AND POSTED THEM ONLINE! The sexting sixth grader, next on Sick, Sad World!"
At this point, Quinn came into the living room.
"Chucky," she said, "Don't you have homework?"
Chucky, in his usual monotone, said "I'll do it later."
Quinn said "Your sister and my boys are doing their homework right now."
Chucky snarked "Whatever?"
Trying to keep her cool, Quinn said "Chucky, your mother told me what rules she enforces with you and Q. I know you aren't allowed to watch TV until you've done all of your homework."
"You're not my mother," said Chucky in that snarky monotone of his.
Without missing a beat, Quinn said "No, but I have your mother's permission to make you follow the rules. Now..." She snatched the remote from him, "...homework. You can watch TV after."
Quinn shut off the TV and walked away with the remote. As soon as she was gone, Chucky muttered something under his breath.
"Bitch."
He whipped out his I-Phone and sent the nude photos to everyone on his contact list.
Palermo House, the next day...
Seventeen-year-old Bryce Palermo and his girlfriend, Angie Taylor, were watching TV in his room.
"Hey, babe," said Bryce, "Check this out."
He got out his phone and showed Angie the pictures Chucky took of Quinn.
Rolling her eyes, Angie said "Bryce, why are you showing me nude pictures of Mrs. Carbone?"
Bryce said "I was hoping maybe you'd start sexting if you knew that even she does it. Besides, she's a total MILF."
Struggling not to lose her temper, Angie asked "And HOW did you get these?"
"Relax, babe," Bryce reassured, "I didn't take them. They were, like, sent to me."
Narrowing her eyes, Angie asked "By who?"
Governors Park Restaurant, a few hours later...
Quinn and Angie were seated at a table.
"Thanks for coming on such short notice, Mrs. Carbone."
Quinn said "No problem, Angie. What's wrong? On the phone it sounded urgent."
Angie got Bryce's I-Phone out of her purse.
"I was hanging out with Bryce when he showed me this."
Angie pulled up the shower photos and showed them to Quinn. Quinn's eyes went wide, and her jaw dropped when she saw them.
"Oh...my...GOD!"
Angie said "Bryce told me Chucky Ruttheimer sent them."
Quinn now goes from embarrassed to furious.
Casa Carbone, later...
Greg Keanen was ringing the doorbell. Jim answered.
"Yes."
Greg asked "Is Chucky around?"
Jim, forgetting that Quinn had told him Stacy didn't want Greg over, called out "CHUCKY, YOU HAVE A VISITOR".
Chucky came to the door.
"Hey, Greg."
At this point, Quinn's Escalade came speeding up the road and came to a screeching halt in the driveway. Quinn emerged from the driver's side while Angie emerged from the passenger side. This got the attention of several neighbors. Jamie and Nicole were passing by while Kevin and Kevin Jr. watched the commotion from their porch. From the Thompson's bedroom window Brittany and Daryl, both stripped down to their underwear, watched as well. Chris had just come home and rather than enter his house she stood by his car to observe the commotion as well. Quinn walked right up to Chucky and Greg.
"Chucky," she barked, "I wanna see your I-Phone right now, young man!"
Chucky snarked "Why?"
As Quinn took a deep breath to calm herself down, Angie said "Because I just showed her the nude photos you sent to my boyfriend, that's why?"
Chucky shrugged. "Whatever."
Holding out her hand, Quinn sternly said "Not whatever! I want your phone right now, young man!"
Chucky pulled his I-Phone out of his pocket. Greg nodded at Chucky. As Quinn was about to take the phone Chucky suddenly handed it to Greg.
"KEEP AWAY!" Greg shouted as he began to run. Quinn chased after him. Angie immediately crouched as Greg ran by her. Using her gymnastics training, the teen did a backflip over Greg and blocked his path.
"Don't even think about it, you little brat," Angie hissed.
Now cornered, Greg stood there. Quinn reached out towards him.
"Give me Chucky's phone...NOW!"
Greg suddenly smirked. Quinn didn't know that Chucky was sneaking up behind her and Angie was too focused on Greg to notice. Suddenly, Chucky grabbed the waist of Quinn's jeans and pulled them down to her ankles, exposing her red thong panties to everyone. Quinn and Angie both gasped in shock as Greg started laughing.
Greg wasn't the only one. Kevin and Kevin Jr. also started laughing. Quinn looked all around. Up in the Thompson's second floor window, both Brittany and Daryl were laughing. With her pants still around her ankles, Quinn bent over to pull them up. As she did this, she saw Jamie and Nicole laughing, which embarrassed Quinn so much that she turned away. That was when she saw Chris.
"Awww!" Chris called out, "I was enjoying the view of your hot ass."
That made Quinn gasp in horror.
Impassive as usual, Chucky said "I pulled down your pants."
That was when Quinn snapped. She angrily pulled her pants back up. Enraged, she grabbed Chucky by his shirt, lifted him off the ground, bent him over her knee and proceeded to spank him with all of her might.
"HOW..." slap, "...DARE..." slap "...YOU..." slap "...YOU..." slap "...LITTLE..." slap "...PIECE..." slap "...OF..." slap "...SHIT..." slap.
Everyone else stopped laughing and gasped in shock. The collective gasp was loud enough to snap Quinn out of her rage. Quinn gasped in horror as she realized that she was spanking someone else's child in front of half the neighborhood. Mortified, she immediately let Chucky go and gasped in horror at her own actions.
"Oh...my...God! WHAT HAVE i DONE!?"
Act II
Casa Carbone, evening...
While all of the kids were upstairs Quinn and Jim were in the living room, where Quinn is freaking out over her very public meltdown that day.
"I can't believe it," said Quinn, "I actually hit a child!"
"Aren't you being a little melodramatic?" Jim replied.
Quinn shook her head in disagreement. "I spanked someone else's child, Jim!"
Staying calm, Jim said "You did something you regret in a moment of anger, but who hasn't?"
Continuing to panic, Quinn said "When Stacy finds out about this, she'll never trust me with her kids again!"
"Quinn," said Jim, "We both know Chuck and Stacy well enough to know that's not true. Just explain to them that you lost it after finding out Chucky secretly photographed you in the shower and sent the pics to everyone and when you confronted him about it, he pulled your pants down in front of everyone. I think Stacy'll understand that."
At this point both Tommy and Timmy came down.
"Mom," said Tommy, "Chucky said you spanked him after he pantsed you. Is that true?"
Quinn sighed. "Yes, I'm afraid it is. I want you to know that was a huge mistake and I'd never do that to you guys or to Teddy. What I did today was wrong?"
Timmy asked "Then why did you do it, Mom?"
Trying to explain, Quinn said "I got angry and lost control. I'm not saying that's okay, but it happens."
Tommy rolled his eyes. "So Chucky pantsed you, that's what he does."
Timmy added "Yeah, Mom. It's no big deal, he does that to everyone."
Jim said "He's does?"
Timmy nodded.
"Look," said Tommy, "You turn your back on Chucky Ruttheimer you get pantsed, everyone knows that. You're supposed to just pull up your pants and pretend nothing happened. That's what the rest of us do."
Tommy and Timmy left the room as Quinn felt even worse than she did before.
"Jim," she said, "Am I a bad parent?"
Jim's eyes went wide. "What!? God, no! In fact, you're way better at parenting than I am. That's why I always follow your lead with the kids."
Not believing her husband, Quinn said "If I'm such a good parent than why did I do something that could scar Chucky for life?"
Rolling his eyes, Jim said "I got spanked all the time as a kid and I turned out alright. Granted, my mother only spanked me as a last resort, but still. My father used corporal punishment all the time and he didn't spank me with his hand, he used his belt. Also, Virginia still had paddling in schools in the late 80's and early 90's. In fact, I remember the paddle my old elementary school principal kept in his office. It was made of Georgia pine and a full foot long with holes drilled in it to cut down on wind resistance while the handle was coated in tree sap to increase grip. It was called Old Spanky."
Quinn retorted "Jim, there's a reason most states banned corporal punishment later on in the 90's."
Jim said nothing but looked haunted as this conversation was starting to bring back some really bad memories.
The next day...
While the kids were at school and Jim was out filming a test drive video for his YouTube channel Quinn was in the office paying bills. She wrote a check and sighed.
I shouldn't have spanked Chucky. Spanking's wrong, that's why I don't do it with my own kids. Still, I spanked someone else's child. God, I'm such a hypocrite!
At this moment Quinn's train of thought was disturbed by the sound of someone kicking the front door in.
What the Hell!?
Quinn got up and went to see what was going on. She found the front door kicked clean off of it's hinges and Jim's father, Tony, standing right there.
"Tony, what the Hell!? You just destroyed my front door!"
Tony growled "Because it was in my way, Insubordinate Slut! Now, where's my no good pussy-ass of a son."
Through gritted teeth, Quinn said "He's out filming a test drive video."
"If only he'd test drive a new wife," Tony savagely remarked.
After taking a deep breath to calm herself down Quinn asked "What do you want?"
Tony said "I need you to bake a cake, woman! The boys at the VFW are throwing a birthday party tomorrow night."
Quinn said "Fine! I'll bake you a damn cake!" If only to make you go away faster.
At this point Tony noticed something.
"You okay, woman? You seem a little distracted."
Rolling her eyes, Quinn said "Nothing you need to know about."
Getting in her face, Tony barked "DON'T BACKTALK ME, WOMAN! NOW TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU SOS YOU DON'T FUCKING BURN THE CAKE!"
With a sigh, Quinn admitted "I'm babysitting my best friend's kids this week."
"So?"
Quinn said "Look, I lost my patience when one of them was misbehaving."
Tony asked "Whatcha do, kill him?"
Visibly miffed, Quinn said "No, I spanked him."
Tony rolled his eyes. "Is that all?"
Quinn said "Look, like most people these days I consider spanking a form of abuse."
Tony lost his shit. "WHAT THE FUCK!? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SPANKING! HOW ELSE DO YA GET A FUCKIN' BRAT IN LINE!?"
Quinn fired back. "Look, hitting a child, for any reason, is wrong!"
"HORSESHIT!" Tony barked, "Beating's build character! A kid does something wrong, ya beat him. He does it again, beat him harder. That's how you keep 'em from growing up to be hedonistic commie psychos!"
Quinn rhetorically asked "What are you on?"
Tony said "Okay, fine! Tomorrow, I want you to come down to the VFW in Virginia. There are some guys I want you to meet."
Quinn had no intention of doing such a thing and proceeded to say so. "You must be out of your mind if you think I'll drive four hours just to listen to you and your buddies get drunk and tell war stories."
Smirking, Tony played his trump card. "Would you rather I stay here until you change your mind? Maybe I'll commandeer the master bedroom this time."
Quinn let out a defeated sigh as she knew Tony wasn't bluffing. She further knew that he could, and would, bully Jim into going along. "Fine!" Quinn huffed, "If going to Virginia tomorrow is what it takes to keep you from taking over this house, then that's what I'll do."
Tony grinned in triumph, knowing that he's got Quinn dead to rights.
Newport News, VA, the next day...
Quinn and Tony were at the local VFW. They were sitting at a table as Tony introduced his daughter in law to everyone. One of the guys with them was Buck Conroy.
Tony said "This is Buck. We were on the same assault team in Delta Force."
Quinn said "You were in Delta!?"
Buck said "We insiders just call it The Unit. After the Army, Tony and I founded Black Sword Security Service and Brutal Mercenary Magazine."
Tony proceeded to introduce Quinn to some of his other buddies. The next one was a skinny man around Tony's age in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank attached. "And this is Frank. We served on the same SOG team in 'Nam."
Frank and Quinn shook hands. "Pleasure to meet you, Quinn," he said in a raspy voice.
Quinn was pleasantly surprised by how polite everyone was. She'd expected them to be a bunch of uncouth gorillas like Tony. Tony next introduced Quinn to a seventy-something man in glasses wearing a cap that read "United States Marine Corps". Despite being in his 70's this man was very muscular with tattooed arms. On his left bicep was a tattoo of a flaming skull and two M-16 assault rifles arranged as cross bones. Above the flaming skull were the initials BTK, below they were spelled out as "Born To Kill". On the old man's right bicep was a skull and cross bones with an anchor in front of them. On his left forearm was the rank insignia of a Gunnery Sergeant. On his right forearm was a blood soaked dagger wrapped in a ribbon that had the Marine Corps motto on it, "Semper Fi".
Tony said "And this is the guy I wanted you to meet."
As Quinn and the man shook hands he introduced himself as "Gunnery Sergeant John McJeeter, US Marine Corps."
Tony said "After his time in the servicem John here became the principal at Jim and Chris's elementary school."
McJeeter said "I remember those two. Chris was a great kid but Jim was a weak-ass little dipshit. That little puke really needed toughening up." McJeeter then got back on topic. "I heard you spanked a boy."
Nodding, Quinn said "I feel really bad about that."
"Don't," said McJeeter, "Tony may be an Army pussy but we both agree that this country's going to Hell because parents won't beat discipline into their kids anymore. Then in '95 those pansy ass draft dodgers on the school board tossed me out on my ass just 'cause I still used the paddle when the kids got outta line." A second later, he muttered "Damn pussy-ass liberals."
Quinn held back the urge to go off on him.
McJeeter continued "I used to discipline the kids with this."
He reached into his bag and got out the paddle Jim had described to Quinn earlier.
"This here is Old Spanky," the former principal beamed, "With this baby I instilled character in the kids. I beat modesty into the girls and used it to prepare the boys to prove their manhood by fighting and dying in the wars that make America great." He handed the paddle to Quinn. "I want you to have this baby."
Apprehensive, Quinn said "I...I don't think I should."
McJeeter said "I want you to have it." Frowning, he added "I have no one to hit with it anymore."
Quinn nervously accepted the "gift". "Um...Thanks."
"You're welcome," said McJeeter, "Even if you never use it it'll still scare those brats into behaving,". His voice took on a reverend tone as he added "Just like Reagan's defense buildup scared the commies into submission."
With equal reverence, Buck Conroy said "Ronald Reagan, best damn president we ever had."
Wiping a stray tear from his cheek, Tony said "God, I miss voting for that man."
Casa Carbone, evening...
Jim, Chris, Jamie and Kevin were in Jim's man cave in the basement drinking beer and watching football on the TV. Nicole, who'd been upstairs watching the kids, came in.
"Hey, guys" she said.
"Something wrong, Nicole?" asked Jamie.
"Not at all," said Nicole, "The kids are watching TV in the living room, so I figured I'd come down and check on you guys."
Just then, Quinn entered.
"The boys told me you were down here."
"How was your day with Dad?" asked Jim in a somewhat apprehnesive tone.
"It was surprisingly nice," said Quinn, "Your father introduced me to your old elementary school pricnipal, John McJeeter."
Jim gasped in horror as Chris, with equal horror, said "McJeeter the Beater!?"
Reaching into her purse, Quinn said "He gave me this."
Quinn pulled out Old Spanky. Both Jim and Chris shuddered at the sight of the very same paddle that had been used on them as children.
Swinging it in the air, Quinn said "Can you believe this thing was used as recently as the early 90's?"
Jim and Chirs both tensed up as they recalled the times that they were actually hit with that thing.
Kevin said "Cool!"
Chris said "Not if you were ever on the recieving end of that thing. We called our pirncipal McJeeter the Beater because if you ever got sent to the principals office it was a sure thing you were gonna get hit with that paddle until your ass was skinned raw."
Quinn said "Come on, it couldn't have happened that often."
Jim explained "McJeeter was such a hard ass that he'd hit you with that thing for talking during lunch. He ran Nelson Elementary like it was Marine Corps boot camp."
Clearly not believing them, Quinn said "Come on, it's not like I'm actually gonna use it. I'm just amazed by the history of this thing."
With that she left as Nicole and the guys all frowned.
"Nicole," said Jamie, "Remember that we agreed not to use corporal punishment on Rachel."
"Don't worry," Nicole reassured her husband, "I'd never do that."
"I dunno," said Chris, "Mine and Jim's dad spanked us every day from when we were two untile we were eighteen and we turned out all right." A second later, Chris muttered something under his breath. "Bastard."
"Dude," said Kevin, "Spanking's just, like, totally wrong! I say spare the rod and spoil the child."
With a sigh, Jamie said "Kevin, spare the rod and spoil the child means you're in favor of spanking."
"Really!?" said Kevin, "Cool!"
This elicited a collective eye roll from everyone else.
The next morning...
Jim, Tommy, Timmy, Teddy, Chucky and Q were in the living room sitting down while Quinn stands in front of them.
"I've called this meeting," she said, "Because I want to discuss some changes around here before you kids go to school. I wanted to show you all..." she got Old Spanky out of her purse, "...THIS!"
All the kids gasped while Jim looked VERY apprehensive.
"In light of Chucky's misbehavior I've decided that I'm being too lenient. That stops today. Now, I don't expect to actually use this thing because now you all, especially you, Chucky, know I have it in me."
Teddy deadpanned "I'm sure threatening children with beatings is a great way to ensure they don't grow up to resent you."
Quinn smacked the paddle down on the coffee table. The loud "THWAP" made everyone flinch.
"NO TALKING BACK, YOUNG MAN!"
Jim, Chucky, Q and all three T's simultaneously gulped with dread.
Act III
Shop Rite Supermarket, day...
Quinn was at the dry goods aisle. As she began to load her cart she was approached by a man with shaggy brown hair and a beard. The two recognize each other as they live in the same neighborhood.
"Hey, Quinn," said the man in a gravelly voice with traces of a New York accent.
Smiling, Quinn replied "Hey, Wild Dog."
Wild Dog said "Heard you spanked that Ruttheimer kid the other day."
Quinn now looked embarrassed, which Wild Dog noticed.
"Don't worry aboudit," he said, "'I's aboud time someone did something aboud that kid. Just wanted to say I'm damn proud of yas."
Relieved, Quinn said "Thanks."
With that, Wild Dog went about his business as Quinn felt a rush of pride. At this point she was approached by a woman around her age with black hair.
"Way to go, Quinn," said the woman, "Thank God there's one person in our generation with the guts to spank some sense into those brats. Can I see it?"
Beaming, Quinn said "Sure."
She got Old Spanky out of her purse. At this point they were joined by an elderly couple.
"Well," said the old woman, "At least one of today's parents still knows how to properly discipline children."
The old man said "Boy, that paddle takes me back. Back to the days when kids were beat for breaking the rules, women stayed in the kitchen and blacks stayed in the ghetto. The good old days."
The praise continued. As Quinn continued to lap up the attention the praise quickly went to her head.
Casa Carbone, that afternoon...
The kids, minus Teddy, were in the living room watching TV. Tommy and Timmy were sitting on the couch with Q sitting between them while Chucky sat on the floor. On the TV screen was a woman in an SS uniform tossing a bunch of whiny brats into a shower room.
"They misbehaved, so their mother sent them to the gas chamber. My Mom's A Nazi...next on Sick, Sad World!"
While Tommy and Chucky stared at the TV Q was staring longingly at Tommy while Timmy stared equally longingly at Q.
Chucky, in his usual apathetic montone, said "Your mom's gonna gas us."
At this point, Quinn entered the living room carrying Old Spanky.
"Where's Teddy?" she asked.
Tommy said "Studying in his room like the brain he is."
Quinn smacked Old Spanky on the coffee table, the "THWAP" causing the kids to flinch.
"DON'T CALL YOUR BROTHER A BRAIN!" she barked, causing Tommy to gulp with dread. Calming down, Quinn said "Now, don't you kids have homework to do?"
Chucky said "We already did it" in his usual snarky monotone. This prompted Quinn to smack the coffee table with Old Spanky once again.
"I don't care for your tone, young man!"
Chucky, still in a snarky monotone, said "Sorry."
"Mrs. Carbone, we all did our homework," said Q, "I even helped Tommy and Timmy with theirs."
Chucky snarked "She want's to hook up with Tommy."
Quinn smacked the coffee table again. The kids all scampered out of the living room and upstairs. Quinn allowed herself a triumphant grin.
"Being a hard ass works."
Jim was in the office. Through the open door he'd watched the whole thing. Now, he eyed his wife with great concern.
Thompson house, later...
Kevin, Jamie and Jim were sitting on the porch drinking beer and talking. Kevin, as usual, was also chainsmoking Marlboro Reds. The topic of discussion was Quinn's sudden ruthless streak.
Jim said "Ever since she brought that paddle home my wife's been acting more and more authoritarian."
Kevin finished his cigarette and tossed the butt. "Dude," he said, "That's, like, totally unhealthy!" Ironically, he followed this up by lighting another cigarette and continuing to smoke.
Jamie added his two cents. "I think Quinn's on a power trip. She lost her confidence after spanking Chucky because she was doubting her parenting skills. I think she's now using that paddle as a crutch to regain her lost confidence. It also dosen't help that she's been getting pep talks with a pro spanking bias. Spending an afternoon with your father and his war buddies got the ball rolling with that, and Nicole told me that Quinn told her about all those old timers at the supermarket. That's definitely been adding fuel to the fire."
Jim agreed. "Makes sense."
Kevin said nothing but looked thoughtful (a rarity).
That evening...
Quinn, Jim and the kids were having dinner at the kitchen table. Quinn had Old Spanky on the table next to her, which made everyone else VERY nervous. Timmy, who normally has seconds on everything, wasn't touching his food. Quinn noticed this.
"Timmy," she said with motherly concern, "Why aren't you eating?"
Nervous, Timmy said "I...I'm not really hungry right now."
Quinn said "But you love your father's lasagna!?"
As the other kids continued to eat in awkward silence Timmy said "I'm just not hungry, Mom."
Quinn picked up Old Spanky and her voice took on an ominous tone. "You know, Timmy," she said as she waved the paddle in front of everyone, "Your father went to a lot of trouble to make that. It's disrespectful not to eat it."
Trying to de-escalate the tension, Jim said "It's okay, Quinn. I'm not offended. Besides, lasagna reheats good. He can eat it later."
Quinn angrily pointed Old Spanky in Jim's direction. "DON'T UNDERMINE ME!"
Jim's eyes narrowed as this brought some of his repressed anger towards his father to the surface.
Teddy deadpanned "Well, this is certainly a relaxing environment."
Quinn angrily smacked Old Spanky down on the table. "DON'T TALK BACK!"
Jim immediately came to the kids' rescue. "Kids, why don't you take your dinner upstairs. We need to talk about grown up stuff."
All five of the kids eagerly took their plates and left. Quinn was infuriated by this.
"YOU AREN'T EXCUSED!"
The kids, knowing that Jim had their backs, ignored her.
Turning her wrath on her husband, Quinn said "Jim, what the Hell!?"
"Quinn," Jim replied, "This recent power trip of yours is making the rest of us VERY uncomfortable."
Taken aback, Quinn said "Power trip!? Jim, we both admit I'm the better parent."
Jim said "Normally that's true, but not this time. Usually, when we have these conversations I'm the one who's going off the handle and YOU'RE the one being the voice of reason. I think that paddle's gone to your head."
Adamant, Quinn said "Jim, Old Spanky is the ONLY thing standing between us and total anarchy."
"Last week you would've considered that statement totally asinine," Jim correctly pointed out.
Quinn said "Well, it's not like my old way of doing things was working."
"Yes, it was," said Jim, "Our kids rarely misbehave and when they do it's usually nothing a stern talk won't fix."
Quinn narrowed her eyes menacingly as her inner Helen came out.
"HOW DARE YOU CONTRADICT ME!"
She smacked Jim upside the head with Old Spanky and stormed off in a huff.
Rubbing the back of his head, Jim said "Well, at least she doesn't hit as hard as McJeeter did."
Neither he nor Quinn noticed Kevin spying on them from the back yard.
The next day...
Jim's Camaro pulled into the driveway of Casa Carbone. In the passenger seat was a box of high dollar tools he'd just picked up from the hardware store.
Now, to get the camera and make an unboxing video.
As Jim parked his car he saw Quinn frantically looking through her Escalade.
What the Hell!?
He got out of the car and ran over to his wife.
"Quinn, what's wrong!?"
Quinn frantically said "I can't find it anywhere!"
"What?" asked Jim.
"Old Spanky! I've lost Old Spanky!"
Trying to calm his wife down, Jim asked "Where were you the last time you had it?"
Quinn explained. "I forgot to get milk when I went grocery shopping the other day so I went to get some. On the way home some other driver cut me off. I got so angry that I opened the window and yelled at him while raising Old Spanky."
Drawing a conclusion, Jim said "You dropped it at an intersection, didn't you?"
"No," Quinn remembered, "I put it down in the passenger seat. I left the car door open while opening the front door of the house and..." A possibility suddenly occurred to her, "...SOMEONE STOLE IT WHILE MY BACK WAS TURNED!"
At this point, Tommy and Kevin Jr. rode by on their bikes. Driven by righteous fury, Quinn blocked the boys paths.
"WHERE IS IT!?"
While Kevin Jr. froze with fear Tommy nervously asked "Wh...Where's what, Mom?"
Quinn barked "OLD SPANKY!"
Tommy frantically said "I don't know!"
That was when Quinn spotted something out of the corner of her eye. That something was Old Spanky's handle sticking out of the Thompson's trash can.
"I FUCKING KNEW IT!" Quinn yelled as she ran over to the garbage can and pulled Old Spanky out. With the paddle in hand she ran over to Kevin Jr., grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him off of his bike. "HOW DARE YOU! YOU STOLE MY PADDLE!"
Kevin Jr. said "No, I didn't, Mrs. Carbone."
Tommy protested "It's true, Mom. He was with me the whole time."
The commotion started to attract the attention of the neighbors, including Kevin.
"Like, what's going on?" the former QB asked.
Quinn angrily hissed "Your son stole my paddle!"
"NO, I DIDN'T!" Kevin Jr. protested.
To Kevin, Quinn said "I found it in your trashcan."
Frightened, Kevin Jr. said "I DON'T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE, I SWEAR!"
Quinn didn't believe him and got right in his face. "DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO ME!"
Terrified, Kevin Jr. shouted "I SWEAR TO GOD, I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR PADDLE!"
Quinn waived Old Spanky menacingly at the boy. "'FESS UP NOW, OR YOU'RE GONNA GET IT FROM OLD SPANKY SO HARD YOU'LL BE OLD ENOUGH TO COLLECT SOCIAL SECURITY BY THE TIME YOUR ASS STOPS HURTING!"
Kevin Jr. was now so frightened that he actually peed his pants. "Mrs. Carbone...I...I'M NOT LYING!"
"YES, YOU ARE!" Quinn insisted, "AND I WARNED YOU WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF YOU LIED TO ME AGAIN!" Furious, Quinn grabbed Kevin Jr. by his shirt, violently bent him over her knee and raised Old Spanky. Before she could strike, however...
"QUINN, NO!" Kevin shouted as he ran over to her. "MY SON DIDN'T TAKE IT, I DID!"
Quinn's eyes went wide and her jaw fell open. "YOU!? WHY!?"
"Because, like, someone had to stop you," said Kevin, "You're going crazy!"
Quinn looked all around. She looked across the street and saw Chris shaking his head disapprovingly at Quinn. Next, Quinn looked toward Jim to see him shaking his head in a similar manner. Then, she looked at Tommy, who was absolutely terrified. Finally, she looked at her own reflection in the rear of her car. The distorted image made her look like some ugly monster about to harm a child. All of this shocked Quinn out of the rage that had consumed her.
"Oh...GOD!"
Horrified at her own actions, Quinn dropped Old Spanky on the ground, let Kevin Jr. go and stood up. In tears, Kevin Jr. ran to Kevin and hugged him.
"D...Dad...sniff...I was...so...sc..sob...scared!"
Kevin held his youngest son close as he soothed the boy. "It's alright, son. Daddy's here." Looking at Quinn, he angrily added "You bully!"
As Kevin and Kevin Jr. went into their house Quinn just stood there and hung her head in shame.
That evening...
Quinn was sitting alone in the home office and looked absolutely miserable. Jim came in.
"Quinn," he said, "Are you alright?"
With a sigh, Quinn said "I AM a bad parent!"
Jim said "No, you're not. You just got carried away."
Quinn said "I never should've spanked Chucky, no matter how hard he'd pushed my buttons. I never should've let your father and his friends convince me to abandon my principles and take an approach to discipline that I know is wrong."
Jim sat down next to his wife and tried to reassure her.
"Quinn," he said, "You made mistakes, that's all."
Quinn said "How can anyone trust me around kids now?"
"You were doing just fine until Chucky pushed you over the edge," Jim reminded her.
"What if that happens again?" asked Quinn. After a sigh, she continued. "When Chuck and Stacy pick up those kids, I'll just tell them to ask someone else next time. Until they invent pants that can't be pulled down by anyone but the wearer I can't be trusted."
Jim reassurred his distraught wife. "Quinn, think about it. In nine, almost ten, years of being a mother of triplets that was the first time you let your temper get the better of you. If you ask me that's a damn good track record. Now, if you abused kids on a regualr basis then there'd be cause for concern but this is a one time incident with little to no chance of a repeat."
"Jim," Quinn replied, "I let that paddle go to my head."
"Quinn," said Jim, "The kids are only nine. You have plenty of time to make this up to them. Heck, in ten years I doubt anyone will remember what all happened this week. Yes, you messed up royally, but you didn't do anyone any permanent harm. Just think of this as another learning experience."
Feeling better, Quinn asked "How did you get so good at parenting all of the sudden?"
Smiling, Jim said "A decade of watching you. I had one hell of a good teacher."
Quinn smiled at the compliment.
The following evening...
The Carbones, The Thompsons and The Ruttheimers were all gathered in the dining room of Casa Carbone. The fireplace had a fire going.
Looking at Chucky, Stacy said "I can't believe what you did, young man."
Chucky snarked "Sorry."
Stacy said "You're still grounded for a whole month and I'm keeping your I-Phone until further notice."
Chucky said "Whatever."
Stacy said "Now you're grounded for two months. Wanna go for three?"
That shut Chucky up.
Standing in front of the fireplace, Quinn addressed everyone.
"Thanks for coming. The reason for this get together is so I can apologize for my own recent behavior. I spanked Chucky in a moment of anger and from there everything was just a runaway train. I can't promise I won't lose my temper again, no one can, but I want everyone to know that everything else that happened this week will never happen again."
Quinn got Old Spanky out of her purse.
"And to prove I'm serious."
Quinn threw Old Spanky into the fireplace. Everyone smiled as the instrument of abuse burned in the fire. Quinn then turned her attention back to everyone else.
To Kevin Jr., Quinn said "I'm sorry I went off on you. I swear it'll never happen again. I was wrong."
Kevin Jr. said "You're forgiven, Mrs. C."
Everyone smiled approvingly as Kevin Jr. hugged Quinn to show that there were no hard feelings.
End Chapter.