Opening Montage

Music: "Who Says You Can't Go Home" by Bon Jovi, featuring Jennifer Nettles

First shot is Quinn seated on a train. Jim takes the seat next to her and they start talking. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Jim's wedding five years later. Then cut to a hospital room a few years later and we see an exhausted Quinn and smiling Jim holding newborn triplets. Cut to present day and we see the now nine-year-old triplets. Teddy is reading a book while Tommy and Timmy fight over the video game controller. Cut to Teddy rolling his eyes disdainfully at his immature brothers. Next, cut to a shot of Jim working on a car while a tripod mounted camera records the whole thing. Next shot is Quinn making a S'mores 'n' Pores video in the kitchen. Next shot is Jim chatting with Jamie, Chuck and Kevin over beer while Brittany and Daryl make out in the background. Next shot is Jamie teaching a history class at Lawndale High. He notices that the current quarterback is making out with his cheerleader girlfriend in class, causing Jamie to have a DeMartino-style meltdown. Next, we see Teddy hanging out on the playground with a girl his age who is visibly of mixed European/East Asian heritage. They watch the 'normal' kids play with visibly disdain, implying that this girl is the Jane to Teddy's Daria. Next, we see Quinn, Jim and the triplets stand on the front lawn and smile at the audience. The following caption appears under them...

Lawndale

Season 2, Ep. 4

"Like a Steel Beam Through the Heart"

written by

WildDogJJ

Casa Carbone, morning...

Quinn, Jim and the triplets were at the kitchen table having breakfast. The boys had their backpacks with them as they were walking to school after eating.

"Boys," said Quinn, "Don't forget your housekeys. Your father and I probably won't be home when you get back."

"Why?" asked Timmy.

Jim explained. "Because today I'm filming a livestream from a construction site while your mother's gonna be at the White's place making another cosplay video with Nicole."

"That's okay," said Teddy, "I was planning on hanging out with Rachel after school anyway. Since Rachel is Jamie and Nicole's daughter, I'll probably run into Mom while they're filming."

Tommy and Timmy proceeded to mock Teddy.

"So," said a grinning Tommy, "Gonna hang out with your girlfriend, huh?"

Teddy rolled his eyes. "Rachel's not my girlfriend."

"Yeah, right," said Tommy, "So, who's gonna be at the wedding."

Timmy joined in the taunting. "Teddy and Rachel," he sang in a mocking tone, "Sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G,"

Tommy picked up the pace. "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Rachel with a baby carriang."

Teddy began to lose his patients. "We're just friends!"

Tommy and Timmy mercilessly chanted in unison.

"TEDDY LOVES RACHEL! TEDDY LOVES RACHEL! TEDDY LOVES RACHEL!"

Quinn immediately put a stop to things.

"BOYS!"

Tommy and Timmy instantly stopped taunting their brother. Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it," said Jim as he got up from the table and went to the front door. A few seconds later, he came back accompanied by Rachel.

"Well, well," said Tommy in a mocking tone, "My brother's girlfriend, right on schedule."

Rachel let out a frustrated sigh. "Teddy and I are just friends."

"You gonna kiss him?" asked Timmy in a mocking tone.

"Yeah," said Tommy to Teddy, "You gonna kiss her, Brain."

"No," said Teddy, "But I'm gonna kill you two brats if you don't shut up."

"BOYS!" Quinn barked, "Lay off your brother and his friend."

Rachel smiled. "Thanks, Mrs. Carbone." She then turned towards Teddy. "You ready to go?"

Deadpan, Teddy said "I was ready to go before you even got here."

With that, Teddy and Rachel left. Once they were gone, Jim turned his attention to Tommy and Timmy.

"Why aren't you going with them?"

Both Tommy and Timmy gasped in horror.

"Are you crazy?" said Tommy, "You know what'll happen if my friends see me with those two!"

Added Timmy, "Shane will have Al and Lou kick our asses!"

"BOYS!" Jim barked, "WATCH YOUR DAMN MOUTHS!" After taking a second to calm down, Jim asked "Where in the hell do you pick up that fucking language anyway?"

Quinn rolled her eyes at her husband's hypocrisy.

The driveway, a few hours later...

Jim approached his Camaro as he was about to leave for the construction site. He whipped out his keys and unlocked the door. He was about to get in his car when something caught his attention. Jim saw something on the passenger side door of Quinn's Escalade that seemed off. Curious, Jim stepped away from his Camaro and looked closely. While the Escalade's paint job is metallic white, on the passenger side door was a narrow streak of pearlescent white paint.

"What the hell?" Jim muttered to himself.

Inside, a moment later...

Quinn was in the home office looking at a bill when a visibly concerned Jim entered.

"Quinn, what happened to your SUV?"

Quinn didn't know what her husband was talking about. "What do you mean, babe?"

Jim explained. "There's a streak of paint on the passenger side door that doesn't match."

That jogged Quinn's memory. "Oh, yeah," she said, "Someone scratched it while I was shopping the other day."

Jim instantly put two and two together. "And you tried to hide it from me by painting over the scratch."

Quinn let out a defeated sigh. "How'd you know?"

Jim rolled his eyes. "Because that streak of paint doesn't match the rest of the car."

Now, Quinn rolled her eyes. "The closest thing I had to metallic white paint was pearlescent nail polish."

Jim's eyes went wide. "You painted over a scratch with nail polish!?"

"Yeah," said Quinn, "So?"

"You tried to hide a scratch from me by painting over it...WITH FREAKING NAIL POLISH!?"

Quinn started to get annoyed. "Because I knew you'd over-react when you found out my car had a scratch on it!"

"Dammit, Quinn," said a frustrated Jim, "That's how it starts! You can't just neglect a car like that!"

Quinn let out a frustrated sigh. "Jim, it's just a scratch!"

"It always starts as 'just a scratch'," Jim lectured, "Next thing you know, the damn thing will be rusting from the inside out."

Jim angrily stormed over to the key rack and took the keys to Quinn's Escalade.

"Jim," she asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

"Going to the construction site in your car," Jim answered, "So I can drop it off at Rowe Automotive after I'm done filming."

"Do I at least get to drive your car?" asked Quinn.

"So you can scratch that one and try painting over it with blue nail polish?" said an incredulous Jim, "You must be outta your freaking mind!"

"But," Quinn protested, "How am I gonna get to Nicole's so we can film our video?"

"Care to guess," said Jim.

Quinn let out a defeated sigh. "Fine, I'll walk!" She took a breath to calm herself down. "Jim, just have them buff out the scratch! I don't want you getting any crazy ideas to mess with my car!"

"Crazy ideas!?" Jim said in a preachy tone, "I'm not the one who tried to fix a scratch with nail polish."

Quinn responded with an eye roll and a frustrated sigh.

Meanwhile, at Lewis Elementary School...

Ms. Deauveau, a hot blonde woman in her early thirties, was teaching her fourth-grade class. The class included the Carbone triplets, Rachel, Q Ruttheimer, Kevin Thompson Jr., Shane Sloane and his two muscle-bound lackeys, Al and Lou. Ms. Deauveau had just written a math problem on the board:

30/10=

Turning to the class, the teacher asked "Now, who knows the answer to this problem?"

Teddy raised his hand.

"Yes, Teddy."

"Three."

Ms. Deauveau was impressed. "Very good, Teddy."

"Teacher's pet," blurted out Shane in a mocking tone.

"No talking in class, Shane!" Ms. Deauveau scolded.

"Or what?" Shane taunted.

Ms. Deauveau sighed. Like all the faculty, she was under strict orders to let Shane Sloane do whatever he wants.

As the teacher wrote another math problem on the board, Shane looked at Al and Lou. Getting his meaning, Al handed Shane a straw while Lou handed him a wad of paper. Shane took both, spat on the paper, loaded it into the straw and shot a spitball right at Timmy.

After getting hit in the face with the spitball, Timmy yelled "QUIT IT, SHANE!"

Hearing that, Ms. Deauveau asked "Is there something you'd like to share with the class, Timmy?"

Timmy sank in his seat as he knew what'd happen if he ratted on Shane. "Sorry, Ms. Deauveau."

Ms. Deauveau let it slide and returned to the lecture. Shane hocked another spitball at Timmy.

"DAMMIT, SHANE!"

"TIMMY!" Ms. Deauveau barked, "Language! Shane, please stop whatever you're doing!"

Shane defiantly folded his arms. "Make me, bitch!"

The whole class gasped.

"How would you like to go to the principal's office, Mr. Sloane?" Ms. Deauveau barked.

"How you like to get fired after I tell my parents?" asked Shane with a triumphant smirk.

Ms. Deauveau let out a defeated sigh. She knew that if she disciplined Shane then Tom and Sandi would most likely pull some strings to get her fired for daring to send their 'sweet little angel' to the principal's office.

What no one noticed was Tommy and Timmy whispering amongst themselves. Nor did anyone see when the two eyed Shane with malicious, 'I'm gonna get you' smirks.

White residence, after school...

Teddy and Rachel were in her room watching TV. On the screen was a man with a chair stuck to his ass.

"What do you sit down in AND take with you? A chair glued to your ass! Stuck Back Door, next on Sick, Sad World!"

As the TV cut to a commercial, Teddy and Rachel made conversation.

"I guess they know what your brother's did to Shane after lunch today," said Rachel.

"Good news travels fast," Teddy deadpanned, "Still, I don't think Mom's gonna be pissed about it. She's still too pissed at Dad."

"True," Rachel agreed, "Remind me never to make a big deal about a small scratch."

"If only someone told Dad not to do that," Teddy quipped, "Or that he'd make it worse by confiscating Mom's car keys and forbidding her to drive his."

"Well, I'm not surprised," said Rachel, "I've noticed your father can be a controlling hard ass when it comes to cars."

"True," agreed Teddy, "Just part of his unhealthy obsession with all things automotive."

"Why can't your father just have a substance abuse problem like a normal person," Rachel quipped.

The two kids exchanged smirks eerily similar to Daria and Jane.

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of town...

Quinn's Escalade pulled into a construction site where a new office building was going up. The sign outside said 'Thompson Construction Company'. Inside the SUV, Jim was driving while Chuck rode shotgun.

"Thanks for helping me film this, Chuck," said Jim, "And for giving me a lift home after I drop this baby off at Rowe Automotive."

"No problem, Jim," said Chuck.

Jim parked the Escalade. As he and Chuck emerged, they were approached by Doug Thompson. Doug looks the same as he did on Daria except that, being almost sixty, his hair is now gray. Doug and Jim shook hands.

"Thanks for letting me do this, Mr. Thompson," said Jim.

"My pleasure," said Doug, "And please, call me Doug."

At this point, who should approach but Kevin.

"Hey, Jim, Upchuck," said Kevin.

"It's just Chuck now," Chuck growled.

"What are you doing here?" asked Jim.

Kevin said "Ever since that incident two months ago I've been having trouble landing clown gigs, so Dad's letting me work here part time until business picks up." Kevin then shook his head. "I, like, can't believe no one wants to book me now."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Kevin, you took a birthday party hostage and had a tense standoff with the police."

"But," said Kevin, "It's not like I used an actual gun. It was a water pistol."

Holding a digital camcorder at the ready, Chuck interrupted. "Ten seconds, guys."

Jim, Doug and Kevin all faced the camcorder. Chcuk proceeded to count down.

"Live in five...four...three...two..."

A second later, Chuck motioned for Jim to start talking.

Looking at the camcorder, Jim said "Hey, fellow gearheads, I'm Jim the Car Guy and this is my first livestream. Today, I'm coming to you live from a construction site on the outskirts of Lawndale, New Jersey. Now, you're probably wondering 'Hey, what's a gearhead doing at a construction site?'. Well, it's because we do all things automotive on this channel, including the trucks and tractors used in construction. Allow me to introduce two special guests on the channel." He gestures towards Doug and Kevin. "This is the head of Thompson Construction Company, Doug Thompson, and his son, Kevin."

Both Doug and Kevin waved at the camera.

Turning to Doug, Jim asked "What are we building here?"

Doug said "We're currently under contract to VirtuCon Properties to build a new multi-story office complex. When it's done, this place will have capacity to support up to thrity different businesses."

"Whoa!" said Kevin, "That's, like, a lot!"

Ignoring Kevin's brain fart, Jim said "That's quite an undertaking."

"Why, yes, Jim, it is," Doug beamed proudly, "But we at Thompson Construction live by the motto 'No Job Too Big, No Space Too Small'."

"So," said Jim, "What are we showing the viewers first?"

Doug pointed to their left. "This baby."

As Chuck aimed the camera in the direction Doug was pointing, both Jim and Kevin also looked in that idrection. Doug was pointing to a crane on tank treds.

"Ah," said Jim, "If I'm not mistaken, that crane's a Timberwolf 9000."

"That's right, Jim," said Doug.

Facing the camera, Jim said "This baby uses the same platform as the US military's Abrams M-1 tank. Same engine as well." Jim turned his attention to Doug. "Tell us a little about this baby."

Doug said "It's got a high horse powered pulley system with high tension cables capable of lifting and moving up to ten-thousand tons." Doug pointed to a massive steel I-beam on the ground. "We're going to use it to move that beam into place."

Facing the camera, Jim said "But first, we're going to look inside the carriage of this crane and explain what the controls do."

As Kevin watched excitedly, Doug led Jim and Chuck to the crane's carriage. As he opened the door, Chuck dutifully filmed everything.

"Now," said Doug, "You turn the ignition key here, just like in a car." He then turned on the ignition. Next, Doug pointed to three pedals on the floor. "The middle pedal is the gas, just like in a car. The one to the left is the break. The one on the far right is the lock-and-release. Once the beam is lifted, you press that pedal until it locks in place."

Added Jim, "This safety feature is to prevent accidentally dropping a load while it's in transit."

Doug nodded. "That's right, Jim. Once the beam is in place, you just press the lock-and-release again to unlock it."

"Just like the parking brake in a car," added Jim.

"Exactly," said Doug. Pointing to the control panel, Doug said "This lever is to lift the load. This one is to move the load and this one lowers the load into place. The steering wheel is for driving the crane, while these last two levers are to move the carriage and accompanying load either left or right. Simple, right?"

"Definitely," agreed Jim.

"In fact," said Doug, "The operation is so simple that anyone can do it. Care to do the honor's, Jim?"

Jim practically salivates at the prospect of operating a crane. "You bet your ass I do!"

Chuck filmed as Doug hopped off the crane while Jim stepped into the cab. Jim then effortlessly lowered the cable until it was close enough to the steel beam for the workers to latch it. Once the beam was secured, one worker gave Jim the signal to lift the beam. Jim lifted the beam effortlessly.

As Jim was lifting the beam, Kevin approached Doug.

"Hey, Dad, can I, like, put the beam in place?"

Doug shook his head. "I already promised Jim I'd let him do it."

"C'Mon, Dad," Kevin pleaded, "How hard can it be?"

Doug thought it over for a few seconds and saw no flaw in Kevin's logic.

Meanwhile, Jim has lifted the beam as high as he was supposed to. He engaged the lock-and-release, then looked outside to see the signal for when to move the beam. He was shocked when Doug signaled for Jim to open the door to the carriage. Jim did so as Doug climbed onto the crane.

"Something wrong?" asked Jim.

"Not at all," said Doug, "Kevin just wants to move the beam into place."

Jim was instantly nervous. "You sure that's a good idea?"

"Yeah," said Doug, "Don't worry."

"Don't worry!?" said Jim.

By now, Kevin had climbed on the crane. "Yeah, dude, it's not that hard."

"Doug," said Jim, "Do you have any idea how many fires your son's accidentally started over the years."

Kevin answered. "Eight electrical, five chemical and one that's a mystery even to me."

"I rest my case," said Jim.

"C'mon," said Doug, "I just showed you how this thing's idiot proof."

Jim was still reluctant. "Look, Doug, no disrespect, but I've already got a multi-ton steel I-beam suspended on this thing and I have very little, actually no, faith in Kevin's ability to do this safely."

Doug played his trump card. "Well, this is my company, my site, and I say my son finishes this demonstration. Is that clear?"

Jim let out a defeated sigh. "Fine, but I'm on record as saying this is a bad idea."

Jim stepped out of the carriage and lept off the crane. Kevin took his place.

After Doug was off the crane, he gave Kevin hand signals as Jim nervously watched while an equally nervous Chuck continued to film.

Doug gave Kevin and unmistakable signal to move the beam to the right, towards the structure they're building. Kevin was confused.

"Uhhh, Does he mean his right, or my right?"

It's obvious that Doug means Kevin's right, but Kevin doesn't seem to get it.

"He must mean my right," said Kevin. Looking at the control panel, Kevin said "Now, which one of these levers takes it to my right?" He looked at one. "Oh, yeah! I think it's this one."

Kevin moved that lever, but it was the one that takes the beam to the left, away from the building.

"AW, MAN! I ALWAYS GET THOSE TWO MIXED UP!"

As Kevin stopped the crane, Chuck approached Jim with an ominous warning.

"Uh, Jim. Look what's under the beam."

Jim's face lost all color as he saw that the beam was dangling directly over his wife's Escalade.

"Oh...SHIT!"

Panicked, Jim ran up towards the crane and yelled.

"KEVIN, DON'T RELEASE THE BRAKE!"

Kevin couldn't hear Jim over the engine.

"WHAT?"

"DON'T RELEASE THE BREAK!" Jim yelled at the top of his lungs.

Kevin misheard. "RELEASE THE BRAKE!? OKAY!"

Kevin released the cable break. Everyone watched in horror as the steel I-beam came falling down and landed on the Escalade with such force that the SUV's wheels flew off and the body of the Cadillac folded in on itself to resemble a hot dog bun.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed a horrified Jim.

"Whoa!" Chuck gasped, "Quinn is gonna be soooooo pissed when she finds out about this!"

Kevin had a sheepish grin on his face. "Sorry," he said in a goofy tone.

Jim looked like he was about to have a stroke.

Act II

Bealer Street, Lawndale, late afternoon...

A fully restored 1984 Cadillac Fleetwood Broughm d'Elegance pulled to a stop in front of Casa Carbone. This Cadillac had a custom cherry-red paint job with the words 'Love Machine' painted on the hood and doors in white letters. Inside the car, Chuck was in the driver's seat while a very nervous Jim rode shotgun.

"About what happened today," said Chuck, "What are you gonna do?"

"First," said Jim, "I'm gonna go on my channel and delete the livestream in case Quinn hasn't seen it. What I do after that is gonna depend on whether or not Quinn saw it before I could erase it."

Chuck said "Jim, aren't you being a little melodramatic?"

Jim nervously shook his head. "Look, Quinn finds out what happened and she's gonna start killing people. The only question is who gets murdered first, me for taking her Escalade to an active construction site or Kevin for dropping a three-ton steel beam on it?" Jim nervously opened the door and exited the car. "Thanks for the lift, Chuck."

"No problem," said Chuck, "Good luck, Jim. You're gonna need it."

As Chuck drove off, Jim nervously made his way to the front door.

The home office, a short time later...

Having just successfully deleted the livestream from his YouTube channel, Jim breathed a cautious sigh of relief. He then shut down his computer and got up from his desk.

The living room...

Jim nervously exited the office. Suddenly...

"Hey, Dad."

Jim practically jumped out of his skin. He regained his composure as he saw his triplet sons make their way down the stairs.

"Hey, boys," Jim stuttered, "Um...Is Mom home?"

Tommy, Timmy and Teddy all nodded in unison. Jim was still too nervous to register the suspicious grins on all three of their faces.

"So," said Tommy in a sly tone, "How'd the livestream go?"

"Um...good," Jim stammered, "R-really g-good." He took a breath to regain his composure. "Um, did Mom see the livestream?"

"No," said Teddy.

Jim was relieved until...

"But we did," added Timmy with a sadistic grin.

Jim could come up with only one thing to say.

"eep!"

"So," said Tommy in a 'gotcha' tone, "You let Kevin total Mom's SUV."

Jim was now sweating bullets. "Um, you guys didn't tell her, did ya?"

"No," said Timmy.

Added Teddy, "We decided it'd be more fun to watch you tell her."

Jim sat down on the couch to gather his thoughts. "Boys," he said, "That's gonna be a long wait, because I'm not gonna tell her."

"I dunno," said Timmy, "Mom's pretty smart."

Added Teddy in his usual deadpan, "Yeah, it's not gonna take her long to realize that she no longer has a car."

"She still has a car," Jim protested, "It's just pancaked."

"Well," said Tommy, "Mom's always wanted a compact."

Jim explained his plan. "Look, the Escalade's at Rowe Automotive. Until I know how long it's gonna take them to fix it I'm gonna say that they're unusually busy and it's gonna be a while until they can get to the scratch. I need you three to back me up."

"You want us to lie to Mom?" asked Timmy.

Jim nodded in response.

"We will," said Tommy.

Added Teddy, "For the right price."

Jim was about to argue when...

"HONEY, ARE YOU HOME?" came Quinn's voice from the master bathroom.

"Outside," said Jim to the boys, "NOW!"

The back yard, a short time later...

Jim was outside with the triplets and very frustrated. His frustration stemmed from the fact that his sons have him dead to rights and they know it.

"I can't believe you three are trying to blackmail me over this!" Jim barked.

"Hey," Teddy retorted, "We can't believe you totaled Mom's car."

"I didn't total it," Jim protested, "Mr. Thompson did."

"And I'm sure Mom'll see it that way," Teddy deadpanned.

Added Tommy, "Yeah, you're the one who parked it under a crane."

Timmy threw in his two cents. "And after accusing Mom of being a neglectful car owner, no less."

Jim let out a defeated sigh. "Fine! State your terms."

"Well," said Teddy, "I wouldn't mind a hundred bucks."

Jim's eyes went wide. "Are you freaking kidding me!?"

"Also," said Tommy, "Me and Timmy really don't wanna get in any more trouble."

Jim raised an eyebrow. "What did you do?"

"Super-glued Shane Sloane's ass to his chair at school today," said Tommy.

"To get back at him for hurling spitballs at us," added Timmy, "Me and Tommy have to spend Saturday in detention. We really don't want Mom knowing about it."

Jim rolled his eyes. "Look, as much as I like a prank, and that was a good one, by the way, I really can't keep something like that from your mother."

"Then," said Tommy with a malicious grin, "We can't keep it from Mom that you destroyed her car."

Jim looked like he was about to strangle all three of them, but suddenly got a better idea.

"You know," Jim said, "I can always just tell your mother that you're lying about the car to get off the hook. After all, I already took the video off my channel."

"I'll back you on that, Dad," said Teddy, "For another nine-hundred."

Jim's eyes went wide. "WHAT!?"

"Well," said Timmy, "Either cover me and Tommy of pay Teddy a thousand bucks."

Added Tommy, "What's it gonna be, Dad?"

"I am NOT giving Teddy a G just to cover my own ass!" Jim growled.

"Oh, MOM!" Teddy called out with a smirk.

"You little psychos!" Jim barked.

"You know the terms, Dad," said Teddy.

"Take it or leave it," added Tommy.

Jim let out a defeated sigh. "Ugh, FINE!" He angrily handed Teddy five twenties from his wallet. "I won't say anything about you boys having detention on Saturday."

Teddy counted the twenties. Satisfied that it totals a hundred bucks, he pockets the money. "Pleasure doing business, Dad."

Inside, a short time later...

Jim and the boys were talking with Quinn.

"So, boys, anything happen at school today?" asked Quinn.

"Nothing interesting," said Tommy.

Added Timmy, "Today was pretty boring."

Jim said nothing, despite knowing that both Tommy and Timmy got detention for gluing Shane's ass to a seat.

Believing them, Quinn said "That's nice. Jim, how was your day?"

"P...Pretty boring," said Jim, "After wrapping the livestream I took the Escalade to Rowe's. They were pretty busy, so it's gonna be a while 'til they can get to it."

"Well," said Quinn, "I'll just be happy to have it back. How'd the livestream go?"

Jim immediately shot his boys a look that wordlessly said 'remember our deal'.

"We saw it," said Tommy.

Added Timmy, "Yeah, it was good."

"Smashing," said Teddy.

Jim was VERY relieved that Quinn believed them, and grateful that they didn't narc on him.

Casa Carbone, the following morning...

Quinn was in the back yard watering her prized rose bush. As it so happened, this bush was right on the fence that seperates the Carbones back yard from the Thompsons. A nervous Kevin approached Quinn from his side.

"Um...'Morning, Quinn," he said.

"'Morning, Kevin," replied Quinn in acknowledgement.

"So...ummm...," Kevin stammered, "Did you, like, see the livestream?"

Suspecting nothing, Quinn said "No, sorry."

Nervous, Kevin said "So you, like, don't know what happened to your SUV?"

"I know," said Quinn, "Jim made a huge fuss about it."

Kevin gulped with dread. "Oh...uh...sorry!"

Quinn smiled reassuringly. "Why? You didn't do anything."

Kevin was instantly confused. "Um, like, I'm the one who dinged it and...I'M SORRY!"

Now Quinn was confused. "Kevin, it's just a scratch." She suddenly drew her own conclusion. "You were at Shop Rite the other day, weren't you!?"

Not getting her meaning, Kevin said "I, like, do all my grocery shopping there."

"So," said Quinn, "You're the one who scratched my door."

Kevin was now very confused. "Um, what?"

Quinn shrugged. "It's okay, Kevin. It's not like you totaled the thing. It was just a scratch."

"So," said Kevin, "You d..."

Quinn interrupted. "I'm not mad, Kevin. Accidents happen."

Now, it was Kevin who drew the wrong conclusion. "Like, thanks for being so cool about this, Quinn."

Quinn suddenly got an idea. "Kevin, there's one way you can make it up to me."

"Name it," said a very relieved Kevin.

"Could you take me to Rowe Automotive on your way to work," she said, "I wanna see if they started working on it yet, and Jim won't let me drive his Camaro."

Kevin nodded in agreement.

The home office, a short time later...

Jim was paying some bills when Quinn entered.

"Honey," she said, "Kevin's about to go to the construction site. He's giving me a lift to Rowe Automotive."

Jim's face instantly lost all color.

"W...why?" he nervously asked.

Quinn said "I wanna see if they've gotten to work on it yet."

Hoping his wife didn't see how nervous he was, Jim said "Um...they said they'd call when they knew how long...I mean when they're done."

Quinn said "I know, but no harm in making sure they know I'm watching. Bye!"

Without another word, Quinn left. Once Jim was alone...

"glug...glug...BLEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He puked out of sheer panic.

Rowe Automotive, a short time later...

Adam Rowe, Stacy's brother and the head of Rowe Automotive, was in his office when Quinn came in.

"Hey, Adam."

Adam looked up and smiled. "Quinn, what a pleasant surprise, and my condolensces on what happened to the Escalade."

Still not aware that her SUV's totaled, Quinn said "That's so sweet of you, Adam, but it's just a scratch."

Adam raised an eyebrow. "Just a scratch!?"

Quinn shrugged this off. "Yeah, but it's nice that you take me being temporarily carless so serious." Failing to notice Adam's puzzled expression, she continued. "Anyway, I just figured I'd drop by and see how long it'll take you to fix it."

Adam looked grim. "Best case scenario," he said, "A year."

Now, it was Quinn's turn to be confused. "A year!? For something that minor!?"

"If you consider that minor," said Adam, "I'd hate to see what you consider major damage." He took a second to regain his composure before pointing to a door. "It's in the back lot, we're gonna be putting in some MAJOR overtime on that one."

"Um...thanks," said a confused Quinn. She then made her way through the door.

No sooner was Quinn gone when Jim frantically burst into the office.

"Adam," said Jim with terror in his voice, "Quinn's on her way, I don't have time to explain but you gotta stop her before she sees..."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"...the car," Jim finished in a tone of utter defeat.

The back lot, a few seconds later...

A horrified Quinn was looking at the crumpled wreck that used to be her Escalade. Adam came running out with a cowering Jim close behind.

"Yeah, I know," said Adam, "No matter how many times you see it, it never gets any easier."

Upon seeing Jim, Quinn angrily got in his face.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY CAR, JIM!?"

Adam was visibly surprised as he turned to Jim. "You!?" said the mechanic, "You told me Quinn did this!"

Quinn stared daggers at her husband.

"Not helping," Jim growled at Adam.

Quinn spoke in a very ominous tone. "So, after giving me a hard time over a scratch on the door, you destroy my car...AND THEN TRY TO PIN IT ON ME!?"

Jim looked like he was about to puke again, Adam looked like he had ringside seats to the fight of the century and Quinn looked like she was about to commit mass murder.

Act III

The back lot at Rowe Automotive, day...

Adam Rowe sat on a lounge chair eating popcorn as he watched Quinn and Jim having a major domestic spat.

"I can't freaking believe this," Quinn barked, "First, you make a big deal about a little scratch on the door. You get so mad about it that you confiscate my car and forbid me to drive yours. Then, you take it to a construction site and park it under a crane...OPERATED BY KEVIN! Then, after that idiot drops a three ton steel beam on MY Escalade you lie about it! I catche you in the lie and find out that you told the mechanic THAT IT'S MY FAULT THE SUV GOT FLATTENED!"

"W..well," Jim meekly said, "It could've been your fault. M...maybe that scratch weakened the structure so much it couldn't handle having a three ton steel beam dropped on it from four stories up."

"YOU PARKED IT UNDER A CRANE WITH A HEAVY LOAD!?" Quinn yelled, "YOU FUCKING MORON!"

"Look," Jim protested, "You neglected the damn thing! It was only a matter of time until something like this happened!"

Quinn growled "Oh, so it can't possibly be your fault!"

"Actually," said Jim, "It's Kevin's fault. He was the one operating the crane."

Quinn was not having it. "It's still your fault, Jim! You're the one who was dumb enough to park it under a crane operated by Kevin Thompson!"

Jim said "By that logic, I could blame this on Adam!"

Adam rolled his eyes. "Oh, sure," he deadpanned, "Blame the mechanic!"

Quinn kept her ire focused on Jim. "On top of everything else, you got the boys to cover for you! You dragged our kids into this!"

"If it's any consolation," said Jim, "Their silence didn't come cheap. I had to pay off Teddy with a hundred bucks and promise Tommy and Timmy that I wouldn't tell you that they have to spend Saturday in detention."

"WHAT!?" Quinn shouted as she momentarily forgot about the car.

Sensing an out, Jim said "Yeah, they got detention for super-gluing Shane Sloane's ass to his seat during class."

Unfortunately for Jim, Quinn turned her focus back on the SUV. "Dammit, Jim, you know what really bugs me about this? The fact that you made a big deal about a little scratch, even treated me like some irresponsible little kid because of it, then managed to get my Escalade totally destroyed all because you have an unhealthy obsession with cars! That's what this is all about, YOUR FREAKING CAR OBSESSION AND HOW IT DRIVES YOU TO HOLD EVERYONE ELSE TO RIDICULOUSLY HIGH STANDARDS OF CAR CARE! Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to always walk on egg shells...OVER THIS!? Dammit, Jim, it's a car, nothing more! It's just a hunk of metal used to get around town!"

Jim took great offense at that last statement. "THIS IS NOT A HUNK OF METAL!" He then looked at the crushed SUV and amended his statement. "Well, okay, it is now." He then tried to turn it all back on Quinn. "YOU STILL NEGLECTED IT!" he shouted in an accusing tone.

"Dammit, Jim!" Quinn barked, "This is not my fault! It's not my fault you're totally obsessed with cars, to the point of alienating the rest of us over the issue! It's ESPECIALLY not my fault the Escalade looks like a hot dog bun now!" She then reached out with her hand. "Gimmie the keys to your Camaro!"

Jim was hesitant. "Um...why?"

"NOW, JIM!"

"eep!"

He nervously handed over the keys to his Camaro. Quinn took them and began to angrily storm off.

"P...please don't scratch it," Jim nervously said.

That triggered Quinn so much that she turned around and got right in her husband's face.

"Scratch it?" she said in a VERY ominous tone, "SCRATCH IT!? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! MAYBE I SHOULD DRIVE IT UP TO ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS AND DUMP IT IN THE FREAKING HUDSON, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

She angrily turned around and began to leave.

"Q...Quinn," Jim nervously stammered.

"GO FUCK YOURSELF, JIM!" Quinn screamed before continuing to walk away in a huff.

"And people wonder why I never got married," said Adam as he continued to eat popcorn.

Sloane Manor, several hours later...

Jim was in the sitting room talking with Tom and Sandi.

"Fortunately," said Jim, "She didn't make good on her threat to dump my car in a river. Quinn's still really pissed, though."

"Can't say I blame her," said Tom.

Sandi nodded in agreement. "Jim, you totaled her Escalade and tried to cover it up. Quinn's pissed because you lied to her. Frankly, if you'd been honest from the beginning then she'd probably be over it by now. You really dropped the ball on this one, Jim."

"I know," said Jim, "I only lied because on Quinn's list of transgressions destroying her car is right up there with having an affair."

Tom said "Actually, Jim, that sounds more like one of your dealbreakers than her's."

Jim sighed as he knew Tom was right. "Actually, that gets to the heart of what's really bothering me about this. Quinn said I'm obsessed with cars."

"You, obsessed with cars," Tom deadpanned in mock surprise.

"Perish the thought," said Sandi with equal deadpan.

"Great," said Jim with an eye-roll, "You guys think I'm obsessed with cars too."

"Well," said Sandi, "Your YouTube channel's called Jim the Car Guy. When Quinn first introduced us, I seem to recall you drooling over the fact that my car at the time was a Corvette Z06."

Tom piled on. "You assume that everyone has cars on the brain 24/7. You think your wife will abandon you for getting her car totaled simply because that's what you'd do if the situation were reversed. You saw a scratch on the door of Quinn's SUV and reacted by laying down the law on her as if she were a small child."

"Sounds pretty obsessive to me," Sandi concluded.

Jim hung his head and sighed.

"You know, Jim," said Sandi, "Quinn and I have known each other since we were freshmen in high school. We know how one-another thinks probably better than anyone else in either of our lives. For her, the issue isn't that her car got destroyed and you tried to cover it up. The issue is your obsession and how it impairs your ability to empathize with others."

Tom nodded. "I'm inclined to agree," he said, "Mostly because my wife's right, but also because I know all too well what happens to people who dare to contradict Sandi Sloane, nee Griffin." He allowed himself a brief chuckle at his own joke.

"Okay," said Jim, "Sandi, since you know Quinn so well, can you tell me how to fix this?"

Sandi said "Fixing a rift with Quinn is usually a two-step process. First, you have to demonstrate that you're genuinely sorry and that you'll try to do better in the future. Second, you have to compensate her in some way for what happened."

"How?" asked Jim.

"Well," said Tom, "Her car is damaged to such a degree that fixing it will be both prohibitively expensive and VERY time-consuming. Start there."

Jim said nothing but looked thoughtful.

Casa Carbone, evening...

Quinn and the triplets were at the kitchen table eating dinner. Jim was notably absent.

"Where's Dad?" asked Tommy.

"Hopefully, VERY far away," Quinn answered through gritted teeth.

"So," said Teddy, "You're still mad at him for what happened at the construction site?"

"Actually," said Quinn, "I'm mad at your father for lying about it." There was a brief pause. "Speaking of lying..." She stretched out her hand. "...I want that hundred bucks Dad bought you off with."

Teddy sighed as he got the money out of his pocket and handed it over to Quinn.

"Mom," said a concerned Timmy, "Are you and Dad getting a divorce?"

"No," said Quinn, "Unless he fails to make this up to me." She immediately changed the subject. "By the way, since I know about the Escalade your little deal with your father's null and void."

Both Tommy and Timmy sank in their seats.

"So," said Tommy with utter defeat in his voice, "You know about the super glue incident."

"Yes," replied Quinn, "I also know you got detention for it...and you're both grounded for three weeks."

"WHAT!?" shouted Tommy and Timmy in unison.

Quinn read the riot act. "One week for the glue incident, one week for blackmailing your father and one week for lying to me."

Teddy was relieved that he only had to give back the bribe money until...

"And, Teddy, you've got two weeks for the blackmail and lying," Quinn finished.

"Damn," Teddy muttered with a sigh.

The following afternoon...

Quinn was in the office uploading a video to her YouTube channel when she heard the front door open and close. A few seconds later, Jim came into the office.

"Quinn," he said, "Can we talk?"

"Sure," said Quinn as she gestured towards a chair.

Jim sat down and faced his wife. "Quinn, I'm sorry. I'm sorry your car got destroyed, I'm sorry I lied about it, I'm sorry I blamed you and I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time about a scratch on the door."

"Where were you?" she asked, "You didn't come home last night."

"Well," Jim explained, "We both needed some time to cool off, so I spent last night sleeping in the Sloane's guest room." Stifling a chuckle, he added "And learning how paper thin the walls in that mansion are. Turns out your theory that Sandi likes rough sex is right on the money."

Quinn stifles a giggle. "Well, bossy types usually do like a little pain with their pleasure." She then turned serious again. "Jim, what really bothers me about this is how your obsession with cars can turn you into a controlling asshole when it comes to car maintenance."

"I know," Jim admitted, "You're right, I am obsessed. Granted, I've used that obsession to make a successful YouTube channel and make a living as my own boss, but still. It doesn't change the fact that you were right. I let my obsession get in the way of my judgment. I treated you like a little kid instead of my wife. I lied about what happened to the Escalade because my obsession made me think you'd react the same way I would if it was my car that got trashed. Quinn, I want you to know that I'll try to be better about that. I can't promise I won't over react when something happens to one of the cars, but I can promise that if I do then I'll make it up to you afterwards and my screw up will never be for lack of trying. Most of all, Quinn, I want you to know that I'm sorry for everything, and I love you."

Quinn's heart melted. "You know, Jim, as much as I hate that you're an obsessive gearhead, I love how when you do wrong you always go the extra mile to make it right afterwards." Pause. "That's one of the many reasons I love you, and always will. Apology accepted."

Quinn and Jim hugged.

"Actually," said Jim, "There's one more thing I did while I was gone. Something that'll further make all this up to you."

Outside, a minute later...

Quinn's jaw dropped when she saw the black Cadillac sedan with white interior parked in the driveway.

"Jim, is that...?"

Jim nodded. "A 2023 Cadillac Escalia XT6 sedan, fully loaded. Since repairing the Escalade would cost a fortune and take at least a year, I figured it'd be more practical to just junk the thing and buy you a new car." He handed Quinn the keys. "Here ya go!"

After taking the keys to her new car, Quinn threw her arms around Jim and kissed him.

A street in Lawndale, later...

Music: "Shut Up and Drive" by Rihanna

Quinn was driving her new Cadillac while Jim rode shotgun. She loved it.

"Jim, this car is incredible!"

"Glad you like it," said Jim with a smile.

"Still," said Quinn, "Wouldn't it have been better if you came to me and asked what I want before buying a new car? It would've proven that you're trying to get a better handle on your obsession."

"True," Jim agreed, "But this way I got to surprise you, and I know how much you love surprises."

Quinn smiled. "Who says you never listen?"

"So," said Jim, "Am I forgiven?"

"You're more than forgiven," said Quinn. In a suggestive tone, she added "You've actually earned an extra special treat for this. Remember when I got the Escalade?"

Jim smiled fondly. "Yeah. We left the kids with Jamie and Nicole for a hot date nite."

"Granted," said Quinn, "This isn't an SUV, but it's still pretty roomy."

Jim liked the sound of that.

The abandoned quarry, evening...

At the place where half of Lawndale's unplanned pregnancies happen the parked Cadillac was rocking violently and it's windows were all fogged up.

"OH...GOD...JIM...YES...GIVEITOME...YES...YES...YESYESYES!"

End.

Next Time

The triplets elementary school takes wokeness a step too far!