Chapter Fifty-Eight
Nicky strained her ears, wondering if she had heard her correctly. No, she thought, no way she heard Lorna correctly. Because what she heard was that Lorna said she wasn't right and that certainly hadn't been true. Not even close. Arms pulled the smaller teen closer, letting her chest press softly against Lorna's face. The only place she sensed brought the brunette any comfort. Any form of safety and security. Nicky bit down on the side of her mouth and felt a pang form over her heart. It hurt to hear the girl she loved talking so poorly of herself. Berating and degrading herself in such a vile manner.
Hands combed repetitively through the thick strands of brown hair that cascaded from Lorna's scalp. A few silent moments of the soothing motion were taken as Nicky silently formulated how to respond to her lover's broken words. It was clear to her just how fiercely the young brunette was struggling. Which influenced her to cuddle her closer. Gave her the burning desire to cuddle away all of the darkness, the pain, the agony. She sighed, knowing that was all only wishful thinking.
"Lorna," soothingly murmured from Nicky's mouth, which rested on the flesh of one of Lorna's cheeks. With her thumb laying on her forehead, Nicky softly rubbed it along the width of it. A frown took up space on her face. Eyes melding very softly, compassionately, into the brown ones of her girlfriend's. "Don't talk like that about yourself," she pleadingly whispered, moving her mouth slowly over to the corner of Lorna's and pecking comfortingly on the spot they now rested on. "I wasn't talking about you, babe, when I said something isn't right. I wasn't implying anything either, but something is going on and I need to know what is."
Their conversation was rapidly interjected by the sound of the door creaking open only seconds after Nicky had spoken. Both of their eyes darted over and found Red standing in the doorway, arms crossed across her chest with a firm, though concerned, mien articulated on her face. "Girls, you need to get up now. If you want to have time for coffee, you have to get out of bed now. Let's go."
Closing her eyes out of exasperation, Nicky bit down on her tongue to keep it from displaying out. She knew Red was only being the responsible mother figure the pair of them needed, however, the fact that she was possibly about to have a break through with Lorna such an interruption came as an infuriation to Nicky.
When she reopened them, only seconds after the fact, she peered across the room at her surrogate mother and lifted a hand motioning at the girl in her arms while shaking her head as if to give a nonverbal signal. "We'll have to skip the coffee, ma. Lorna's, erm, not feeling good. I'm trying to get her calmed down some. Do ya think we could be a little late to school today? Please? Lorna is really having a rough morning and I want to calm her before we go."
The Russian woman peered them over methodically. Eyebrows scrunched up worriedly atop her blue eyes. She removed her arms from her chest and instead placed a hand on either side of her hips. "Lorna's not feeling well?" The statement her daughter made was repeated by her in the form of a question. She gradually made her way over to the pair and placed a hand, palm-faced up, overtop of Lorna's forehead. "What's the matter, sweetheart? You don't feel feverish. Are you physically unwell or is it mental?"
Is it mental? The latter part echoed through Nicky's mind. She gave a look to her mother, silently patronizing her for the poor choice of wording she had settled on. Her grasp on Lorna tightened, one hand cradled around the back of her head while the other around her cheek.
It hadn't slipped past Lorna either the latter part of Red's question. In fact it played over and over through her head since the words had come from the school nurses' mouth. Sure, part of her had realized Red hadn't meant it in a degrading way. But as usual the part of her that had such an incessant sense of self-hatred pushed her to believe that it was meant in a belittling manner. She grinded her teeth into the flesh of her tongue before slightly twisting her head so she could look at Red.
"Ya think I'm mental?"
It was a stupid thing to let slide from her mouth. Of course Lorna was mental. What kind of normal person went to see a psychologist? Or got upset and frustrated over the most mundane things. Mental people did. People like Lorna. She dug her teeth deeper into her tongue's flesh, not giving a shit when she felt blood mix in with her saliva.
Nicky easily picked up on Lorna's growing agitation and rapidly pulled her back down to rest on her chest. She placed her chin over the top of her head, rocking them soothingly from side to side. Eyes averted up to Red, interested to see her reaction. Hoping whatever it was it would bring a sense of calm over the distraught girl in her arms.
Cautiously lowering herself so that she was sitting on the edge of the mattress, Mrs. Reznikov looked sadly down at Lorna and used one of her hands to frame against her cheek. An alarmingly pale cheek her eyes noted without much effort. "I think no such thing, Lorna," accent thickened as she firmly assured the young teen. She let her fingers run along the flesh they rested on, eyes staring her over in a deep, motherly, concern.
"You do look really pale," Red commented observantly. "Have you had anything to eat recently? I can see you have some major bags under your eyes, honey, that's a sign of malnutrition." She kept her voice soft, knowing the topic was rather sensitive and probably a highly uncomfortable one for Lorna.
Relief came over Nicky to know she wasn't the only person to observe such a sight. However, her mother's comment molded a knot into the pit of her stomach. Had those circles been caused by Lorna not eating? Eyebrows curved unnervingly over her eyes as her mind pondered further. Sure, she knew Lorna had to be not eating enough. But—but was it so bad that she was malnourished? Nicky swallowed heavily. Once again tightening her arms around the brunette's waist. And as she did so, she could easily feel how tiny it had become. Maybe Lorna was actually malnourished. The thought alone brought a shiver down her spine.
"I ate yogurt and fruit for breakfast yesterday. I'm fine," Lorna bitterly remarked. She tried to get up but Nicky's hold on her was too strong and, deep down, too comforting for her to escape from.
"Honey, that was one meal and that's not a lot. What else did you have yesterday?"
The never ending questions wore on Lorna's already frantic mind. Tears that been previously sitting at the brim of her eyes now came streaming along the flesh of her cheeks. She lifted a hand to violently wipe them away. Eyes shifted angrily onto the woman who dare try to question her and her food choices. Who was she—the food police? "What is this? Twenty fucking questions?"
Even Lorna was surprised at the bitterness of her tone. Guilt quickly bubbled within her. She hated herself for being so snippy with Red. Red was only trying to help, she knew. But for someone to come so close to her bubble. Oh did that perturb her. She refused to allow for anyone to have the fucking chance to snatch it from her. Over her dead body. And, at the rate she was going, that might certainly end up being the case.
Nicky nuzzled her chin warmly against the top of Lorna's head. How upset and angry she was getting only made her believe that it was possible Lorna might have been so malnourished that she couldn't control her emotions anymore. It broke her heart in such a tremendous way to come to a conclusion like that one. She didn't want it to be true. Her Lorna was too precious to do something so detrimental to herself.
Despite Lorna's anger at her, Mrs. Reznikov didn't back down and kept her hand framed on one of her cheeks. If her suspicions were correct, this anger wasn't truly at her but at the fact that someone was trying to pry at her addictive behavior. Having that knowledge in the back of her head, Red took no offense to Lorna's words or actions. Instead, she only looked at her with a deep sense of compassion oozing from her blue eyes. "What else did you have to eat yesterday, sweetheart?" She repeated her earlier question but this time in a softer, gentler, tone of voice.
"I don't know, I don't know. Why does it even matter? Why do ya even care?"
The tears hadn't gone without notice. Red used her fingers to delicately wipe them away and gently took Lorna from her daughter's arms into her own. Embracing her soothingly against herself; letting both of her hands brush softly through thick brown waves. The faint convulsion of Lorna's body tugged intensely at Red's heart. This poor child needed a maternal figure in her life again, she mentally determined. "Shh, shh," she hushed softly when she heard a muffled sob come from the young teen's throat.
Once she was able to get Lorna calmed down sufficiently, Red took her head in her hands and peered attentively into her eyes. "It matters that you eat because if you don't, you'll end up harming yourself. It's not good to starve yourself, Lorna. I care because you're my Nicky's love and you're one of my girls. I want you to be happy and healthy, honey, just like I want for Nicky."
The maternal affection was long craved for by Lorna ever since the loss of her mother. And though now she was being given exactly that kind of affection by Red, she felt highly undeserving of it. Not just from the undying self-hatred eating at her on a daily basis but also because of the disturbing behavior she'd seconds earlier displayed. She felt disgusted with herself over it. The nerve she had to be so rude to the two people who were only wanting to help her. She shook her head and tried to pull away from Red's embrace.
"Shh, shh," the middle-aged woman hushed once more when she noticed Lorna's trying to move away. And it was clear to Red that the motive was only out of wanting to escape the reality of what was going on. The conclusion only tightened her hold on the young girl. The young girl who needed, quite desperately, to face whatever it was that she had been avoiding for however long it'd been.
"You're going to meet with Mrs. Mendoza today and you need to explain to her what's going on. She can get you the resources you need to heal from this, Lorna. But I'm telling you that this—whatever it is—cannot keep going on. There's something clearly wrong; how the hell has your foster family not noticed anything? How can they look at you and not take you to a damn doctor?"
The gradual anger inflecting through her surrogate mother's voice hadn't been ignored by Nicky's ears, who nodded her head in agreement with every last word that came from her mouth. She couldn't blame the anger Red spoke with because she, too, felt that same anger over the whole debacle that wasn't seeming to come to an end any time soon. If she and Red were able to easily observe the sickly aura coming from Lorna's appearance, how the hell couldn't the people—who'd seen her every day—not apprehend it? Or if they had seen it, how could they not do anything about it? Nicky's mind ran wild with infuriating queries that burned her with the desire to shake the stupid out of the Chapman parents. They had to be stupid to not see it, she deemed through gritted teeth.
The lump in the back of Lorna's throat doubled in size. It made her rather uncomfortable that the two of them were so adamant on trying to decipher her secret. Her secret that comforted her for the past several years. Her secret which she wasn't about to let go of so easily. "I don't need anything. I don't know what you're talkin' about, Red. I'm fine. I just got busy yesterday and food was the last thing on my mind. It's not like I'm starving myself on purpose. It was one day," Lorna pointed out, frustration ringing through her voice.
Looking her over closely, it didn't take much for Red to confirm that the brunette's words were nothing more than a lie—or a cover up, at the very least. The thinning frame of her body contradicted her statement quite easily. A sigh escaped Red at the observation. Investigating further right now was undoubtedly not the best idea, she soon came to understand as it would only cause more distress to Lorna. Who already appeared on edge and she certainly didn't want to add to that.
"Hmm, well, I'm still going to let Mrs. Mendoza to expect to see you today and if you don't show up, I'll make sure she knows to call you down. It wouldn't hurt to sit and talk with her, regardless, Lorna." Red made the comment quickly, and once she released her hold on the brunette, she clasped her hands together before a response could be given.
"Now, let's all go to the kitchen to start the day right with a well-balanced breakfast. We all need to make sure we're looking after ourselves properly," she stated in a matter-of-fact tone, turning and walking back to the door that led out to the hallway. Stopping outside, Red stood sideways and peered over the teens as a way to make sure they knew they were expected to follow.
Red hovered over the two girls as they sat at the kitchen table just ten minutes later. Though she stood behind them both, her eyes were intently on the younger of the two watching closely to make sure she actually consumed the food in front of her. She kept her watchful eyes discreet by holding her coffee mug to her lips despite not having taken a sip yet. It took some time before she observed Lorna's hand—with a faint tremor—reach for a halved slice of toast from a plate in the middle of the table. Another minute went by until her eyes finally saw the toast slice being brought to Lorna's mouth for a first bite. She felt her lungs push out a breath of air. It was heartrending to see someone she cared about struggling rather profoundly just to eat a tiny portion of breakfast.
A sip of coffee was taken once Red felt satisfied with the bite of food Lorna had taken and she went to sit down in the only vacant chair on the other side of her daughter. She still kept an eye on the brunette to make sure she consumed a sufficient amount of food but decided it was safe for her to sit and prepare her own plate. "Nothing is better to start a long day of school than a hearty breakfast, my girls. You wanna keep your mind opened for learning? Then you have to fuel it with the proper energy," Red informed the two while spreading a spoonful of fruit preserves on the slice of toast she'd picked up.
Lips gradually curved into an appreciative smile on Nicky's face, who'd had an arm snaked protectively around her girlfriend's waist while they were seated at the table. Thank god for Red, she thought. Red always knew how to smooth things over with Lorna. And in a subtle way that Nicky still had yet to learn the ways of. She lifted her own mug from the table's surface and brought it to her lips for a much-needed sip. Aside from waking up to her girlfriend by her side, there wasn't anything that made her morning better than her first sip of coffee. Her tired, non-morning person, brain craved the caffeine it provided her with. And, unlike heroin, caffeine wouldn't one day kill her. Which made it a win-win situation.
"Do you like the toast, Lorna? I just bought the loaf at the market the other day, it's a new type of bread I thought I'd try." The Russian matron queried with a curved brow, her head turned slightly so that her eyes peered right into Lorna's.
Eyes focused on the slice resting upon the palm of her hand. It was a medium brown color of bread which informed Lorna the bread was more than likely a wheat or whole grain loaf. A safer loaf of bread than white, she deemed. Such a conclusion made her feel at ease to rip a piece off with her pointer and index fingers. She nodded her acknowledgement to Red and then chucked the miniscule chunk of bread into her mouth. The texture was a tad bit grittier than other loaves but wasn't bothersome to Lorna's tongue or teeth.
"It's real good, Red. Thanks," her voice mumbled lowly after she swallowed the piece she'd been chewing on for several seconds. She tried to ignore the rising guilt. Wished the guilt wasn't there. It didn't make sense to her why she suddenly felt guilty over eating normal every day food items such as toast or yogurt or, more recently, even fruit. For the most part, those foods were healthy—good for the body. Yet, Lorna found herself fearing them. Fearing what the calories from those foods would do to her body. The weight that would be added. The fat, flabby skin that would only increase on her arms, thighs, and gut.
Despite the compliment that slid from her mouth, Mrs. Reznikov effortlessly noticed the apprehension lurking behind her brown eyes. To see the struggle Lorna was having, whether it was on the outside or not, was enough to form a knot in the pit of her stomach. She couldn't comprehend the misery it would be to have such a poor relationship with something as simple as food. An item that was needed on a daily basis to fuel the mind and body. Her head shook faintly at the thought. No one, she thought, should have to suffer with a hatred towards food.
Grabbing her books from her lockers, later after Red had driven the three of them to the school, Lorna felt her feet shift periodically out of uneasiness at the sensation of her breakfast sitting stagnant in her stomach. The urge to make a trip to the bathroom was intense. She couldn't stand the feeling of food just resting in the pit of her gut like it was now. Her eyes shifted onto Nicky, once she'd reclosed the door of her locker, and bit down on her lower lip to see Nicky staring right back at her with those big soft eyes of hers.
Having Lorna returning her gaze gave Nicky the chance to look her over in a highly precise manner. The unnerving appearance that displayed upon her face secured a pang in Nicky's chest. On autopilot, she reached a gentle hand across to frame around one of Lorna's cheeks and brushed her thumb soothingly around the area underneath. The dark circles she paid extra attention to, slowly moving her thumb towards one to caress around its flesh in a warm and tender manner. Being in school wasn't reason enough to stop her from showing affection to the petite brunette in front of her. Not when the worry she had for her had been as overbearing as it was the past morning.
Lorna chewed down on the corner of her mouth when she felt the soothing touch of her girlfriend's hand against her cheek. Nicky surely knew how to make it hard for her to walk the other way. An ability that she was probably consciously unaware of, Lorna supposed. In all reality, it was probably a positive thing for Nicky's innate ability to have shown its rear now—a possible sign meant to encourage Lorna not to give into those behaviors she so desperately craved to take part in. She felt her eyes, without any effort on her part, squeeze shut and a large breath of air released from her lungs. Shoulders slumped slightly and when the lids of her eyes opened back up, the pupils fixed down on the speckled tiled floor where her feet rested atop of.
"I'm gonna run to the bathroom real quick before the bell rings, hon," the comment naturally fell out of her mouth, mind not having to have spent too long thinking it up.
Despite it being an innocent comment in nature, Nicky found hearing it left a rather bitter taste in her mouth. Face slightly scrunched as she retained her gaze on the girl, who wasn't able to move away just yet since Nicky still had a soft grasp on her cheek. And realizing she did, she didn't let go right away. Rather, she peered into her eyes with a firmness trickling from her own.
"Yeah? I'll come with ya, kid," she stated, moving her hand off her cheek and instead taking one of Lorna's hands in her own as she led the way to one of the restrooms. It wasn't long until they entered through the door of the one right down the hall from their lockers they'd just been standing at. Nicky reluctantly released the hand she held and looked her over. "That coffee went straight to my bladder—yours too, huh? Guess it's all the caffeine."
The younger girl gave a small nod, albeit the reasoning behind her bathroom visit being to purge the contents of her stomach. Which, now, was something she wasn't sure how to go about doing having Nicky in the room with her. She brought a hand up to her forehead and pushed back her thick brown waves. A frustrated, but quiet, sigh erupted through her esophagus. She wondered if on a subconscious level Nicky knew the true explanation for her decision to come to the bathroom. It wouldn't entirely surprise her if she had; Nicky, she swore, appeared to have some superhuman capabilities the more she learned about her.
Lorna averted her eyes away from the redhead and looked between the four stalls, hoping Nicky would go into one first. That would render her choice easier to make if she complied. However, neither one of them budged and Lorna vastly became more and more antsy the longer which time passed by. She turned her head to stare at Nicky, and not more than a second later Nicky was staring right back at her.
"Are ya gonna pick a stall, hon?" Lorna quirked an inquisitive eyebrow, trying to keep the impatience from coming out. It was as if Nicky was deliberately planning to catch her in the act, she uneasily concluded.
Placing a soft hand on her shoulder, Nicky massaged her fingertips gently into the outline of the bone. Eyes returned the gaze with a sharp intensity seemingly coming through them. An eerie aura filled the room, though she did her best to not pay any mind to it. She kept her focus on the brunette standing across from her. "You pick one first, kid. I gotta check something in my bag real quick."
After slowly taking her hand from her girlfriend's shoulder, Nicky walked to the counter where the sinks were and set her handbag on the surface to pretend to rummage through. However, her eyes looked up from the handbag and watched through the mirror the stall that Lorna chose to enter inside of. When the sound of the lock latching onto the door caught her ear's attention, Nicky found herself nodding and pulling the strap of her satchel back on her shoulder.
She turned back to the stalls and chose to go in the one right beside where Lorna had entered only seconds ago. Whatever Lorna might have been planning to do in here at least Nicky was within the vicinity to hear if something wasn't right. Ever since the morning catastrophe—and even last night's little episode—Nicky's worry for Lorna had tripled in strength. She knew there was a problem bigger than what was being let on and she needed to get to the bottom of it. Not just for her own sake but for Lorna's. Because it was getting clearer to her, every second, how bad off Lorna appeared to be. How sickly and pale she looked. The fragility of her physical and mental state were highly alarming to Nicky. She knew the girl couldn't go on like this much longer. Sooner or later she was bound to break and Nicky was determined to be right there with her when it happened.
Lorna swallowed a lump that had sat at the back of her throat, standing over the toilet as she contemplated what to do. If she dared to purge, she'd risk Nicky's hearing it and questioning her. Which would definitely lead to Nicky's finding out about her little secret. That wasn't something Lorna particularly needed nor wanted at this point in time. However, the sensation of the toast and bowl of yogurt sloshing every which way in her stomach also wasn't a sensation she wanted to deal with. She squeezed her eyes shut, as if that would help her decide on what to do. Of course it didn't do anything of benefit to her other than confirm that she was a complete mess right now.
The sound of a nearby stall door squealing open took her attention momentarily away from her thoughts. She assumed that meant Nicky had entered inside one of the empty ones and if she took enough time stalling, Nicky would eventually leave and Lorna would be left to purge all her heart desired. So Lorna stood there for what seemed like hours but was really only a few minutes before she heard the stumbling of toilet paper coming from the roll and a hand pushing down on the handle to flush the commode.
It was a relieving sound because Lorna presumed that meant Nicky was nearly ready to exit the stall, however, nothing of the sort happened. Rather, the room went silent once more and neither girl moved from their respective stalls. A shaky breath of air puffed out of her. Frustration gradually seeped into her and she was at a loss for what her next move would be. Clearly, Nicky had some sort of inkling which was why she followed her to the bathroom and why she wasn't leaving the stall like Lorna had desperately wanted her to do.
A hand was brought up to her temple, Lorna used it to rub vigorously at the flesh of it. They couldn't both remain in those stalls forever, she unnervingly realized. Another irritated sigh pushed its way through. Nicky just had to be the most attentive girlfriend and come in here with her to ruin her purging ritual, Lorna deemed as she dug her teeth into the surface of her tongue. She wasn't angry with Nicky for any of that, Nicky couldn't help that she had such a unique—and natural—capability. No, Lorna was mad at herself. Mad at herself for not covering up the signs any better. For letting the signs be so visible that not only Nicky was able to blatantly pick up on them but now even Red seemed to do so.
Instinctively, and out of desperation to rid the eerie silence, Lorna lifted a shoe covered foot and placed it on the lever, pushing down on it until the water in the toilet bowl swirled around and around before it disappeared down the pipe. She could hear Nicky's breathing from the stall beside hers and placed a hand on either side of her head. That did nothing to help the situation, her mind rationalized.
"Erm, Nicky, I might be a while. You can go to class, I don't wanna make ya late or nothin'," she said, finally breaking the quiet with a string of words her brain formulated.
The statement didn't budge Nicky's body any. She stayed right in her spot, sitting atop of the wiring of the toilet with her knees slightly lifted up to right below her chin. Being late to class wasn't a problem for her whether it was to remain with Lorna or not—she never was one to give much of a shit for her classes, anyway. She bounced her shoulders in a shrug and reached into her satchel for a half-full pack of cigarettes.
Her other hand was utilized to hold the lighter and light the butt of it. "I don't care about being late to class, kid. This gives me time to have a cigarette, so I'll wait. Besides, ma was very adamant on you going to the counselor's office and I'm gonna make sure ya do as soon as you're done in here." She made sure to add the last part in there, knowing if she hadn't Lorna would more than likely purposefully forget to go and she wasn't about to allow that to happen. Not when it was clear to her how much Lorna needed all the counseling and therapy offered to her.
Lorna grumbled out a breath and slicked back her hair with a harsh hand. Since it was firmly decided Nicky wasn't going anywhere, Lorna reluctantly made the choice to retreat herself from the stall she was in. She wasn't about to risk having the older girl learn of her purging behavior; that was for certain. She didn't need another thing taken from her if she could help it.
As she hovered over the sink, eyes peering dishearteningly at the reflection of herself in the mirror above, a whiff of smoke hit her ear. That quickly clued her in to what Nicky was doing in the damn stall. She crinkled her nose slightly at the scent; it shouldn't have surprised her since the redhead had already mentioned she was having a cigarette but still the very expression etched itself onto Lorna's face.
How could Nicky sit there with a lung-killer in her hands while in the same breath giving Lorna grief over not taking care of herself properly? Wasn't that exactly what Nicky was doing by smoking? The questions whirled through Lorna's mind the longer she stood peering into the reflective glass of the mirror in front of her. The more she let herself ponder over the queries and other thoughts running a muck the more she realized how alike she and Nicky were. Both used unhealthy coping mechanisms to get them through whatever tragedy life threw their way. She swallowed thickly at that; it was one thing for her to suffer but another for her sweet Nicky.