It has been a long time my friends! Writing has been getting harder as life gets in the way, but recently it's been filling a whole that's appeared in my heart.
Bri, as always, I love reading your reviews and I enjoy answering your questions! As to the question of bullshat, bullshitted, and bullshit: I still don't have an answer either and yes, it still bugs me to this day. I don't think I have a favourite character to write for. Eric and Dec are always fun to write, as is Kayden but I enjoy finding out more about my own characters. At this moment within the world of GF I think Sam would be interesting to write with the recent loss, and Lani is still a mystery to me (spoilers: Lani is coming next). I love Kayden, I think out of everyone I've written, he has been the most surprising to write. Kayden started off as the Peter character of the initiation and my plan had been to keep him as that…and then he grew and evolved, and I love him to pieces. Finally, I think I would relate most to the Vince siblings. They hold different parts of me and what I'd like to be. I'm vulnerable like Dec in the way I latch onto friends, so I never have to be lonely, but I want to feel joyous and carefree. I'm quiet like Hugo but I want to smartly creative without being judged for it. I've been traumatised by family in the past like Issy (not as horribly, don't worry) but I want to have a wild side without insecurity. I'm supportive like Alec but I don't want to be stuck on the side lines all the time. I'm somewhat intelligent like Cara but I want to be cunning with no regrets, and just like Reese my childhood died too quickly.
If anyone has any questions at all please ask! I'd love to answer them.
Issy stepped back from her locker with a breathy laugh, clutching the sketchpad to her chest like a lifeline.
Out of all the things she expected from Eric, courting her like an Erudite wasn't what she expected… And yet it made her heart flutter to think that, at least by someone who isn't her brothers, her Erudite side won't be ignored after all.
Issy stood there, with a silly grin and the pad clutched to her chest for a while after that, and it was still clutched tight to her chest even as she picked up the folders Harrison sent and walked back to her room.
It was a lie Issy wasn't even aware of.
She spent more time in that boxed room of hers writing reports than sleeping, and it was driving her mad. The reports were simple but had quickly become boring. All she had to do was open the file of a squadron soldier, fill out was aspects of the Front they've taken to, what areas they need to work on, and whether or not they'd need to visit the therapist that lives on the barracks to get through the grim events that happen in a mission. Most of 187 were doing okay in all aspects, but most did need to go visit the therapist at the end of the week for a chat. It wasn't anything to be ashamed of. Lani frequented the Quiet Rooms, as they were called, most weeks. Hector finds comfort with his dad about it. The rest of 226 pop down when they're required to.
Issy had soon learnt that these reports didn't stop after training was complete, but rather each squadron captain took care of their own squad, and the captains' files are taken over by a commanding officer on the barracks. The officer and the captain meet at the end of each month for a review to fill in the report. Issy was thankful to find out that Brandon oversaw filling hers out – though now she was becoming cautious since that also meant that Brandon's co-commander was in charge of her file too.
She had already gotten Duncan started on reports. It was simple enough to learn, but sometimes the Report Checkers that look at them before they get sent to Harrison sometimes send them back because of silly grammatic errors or impractical word choice. It almost felt like Erudite again…
When, finally, the reports get to Harrison, he makes the decision whether to keep the squadrons on the Front or not going off the data from their mental checks and their behaviour. Harrison also received the reports the captains filled out after each mission to then discuss with his own team captains and Eric about where their next move should be. It all made Issy's head hurt, but it was just another responsibility of being a captain.
Without having to train Duncan's squadron about guard duty around the garrison, they went straight into whatever mission Brandon chose for them. Often, they saw Bobbie with her squadron and Shaun had pulled Uriah into a bear hug as soon as he saw Uri. Since Shaun's daughter, Lynn, had grown up with Uriah, he had automatically become a second son to Shaun. It was funny – to Issy at least – to watch Uriah and Hector get called kiddo, but it was less funny when Shaun started calling Issy that too. Brandon kept them close to the garrison in the Oblivion and never let them stray too far while 187 got used to their new chaotic surroundings. Some days Issy stayed at the barracks with Duncan to catch up with some reports while Red led them out on another mission. The boys of 187 were raring to go, gleeful like toddlers.
It was one of those days when there was a horrific thunderstorm. It was the worse they've seen in years. Raindrops like bullets with a light dash of hail. Thunder roared viciously as lightning laced across the sky. Issy had stared out the window, watching as soldiers ran for cover, while Duncan cracked down on the reports they were left with. She excused herself with the explanation of needing to stretch her legs, and Issy left the little office Brandon had allocated them to work in.
Issy soon found herself on the roof of the barracks, overlooking the carpool and the front gate. She was soaked as soon as she stepped into the downpour. Her uniform quickly become heavy with water and the light grey roots of her hair had darkened, matching the tips. Her hair became plastered to her face and neck – both cooling her and quickly becoming an annoyance. Issy stood in the middle of the roof, head titled up to the sky and she smiled up to the darkening clouds above her. Golden eyes brightened as lightning streaked past and her body shivered unconsciously.
Like she said to Cara, she didn't flinch anymore, but it still stuck a cord deep within her. She didn't know if it was still fear or, finally, acceptance.
With slow, almost sluggish, movements Issy began to move her body rhythmically, the only beat she needed was the crack of lightning and the booming of thunder. She danced by herself, laughing as she spun into puddle, slashing the dirty water up her legs. With a certain amount of grace, Issy tripped over her own boots and caught herself on the ledge of the roof. She laughed, pushing her hair out of her face.
The downpour was now so thick that she could barely see the trucks parked below. But if she really concentrated on the ground, she would have seen the dark figure staring up at her that was as drenched as she was, watching her laugh and dance with gold eyes glowing.
She continued to dance in the rain until it started to heavily hail, and she could have sworn she heard Reese's laugh in the thunder.
xXx
The week they spent on the barracks soon became two and then three.
As there wasn't much to learn, squadron 187 quickly passed their training and were sent off on their own routes. 226 were sad to see them go, having been entertained with dry humour and Uri's snarky commentary during a mission – Lani nearly shot herself in the foot once from laughing so hard.
Now that 187's training was done with, Beta had sat down with Red, Hec, and Brandon to discuss the coordinates that Harrison had left her.
The four of them were sat in Brandon's office, pouring over the information with the first file they looked at. Coffee cups were littered everywhere as they tried to understand the information given – them being Beta, Red and Hec. Brandon had yet to look at the file as he was putting everything back into place after Red had nudged it, making his desk messy.
"But why is it," Red started for the hundredth time as he rubbed the ridge of his nose. "Harrison's given you these co-ordinates? Isn't there any other squad that could do it?"
"Harrison, and me, but Harrison mainly wants to step 226's routes." Brandon said from his office chair. "Have you seen the leader board? You're coming up to fourth place out of everyone on the Front. You guys have only been here a few months! That's a feat in itself! The last squad to climb the fast was Eric's when he first built his squadron, and that was years ago!"
Red stuck out his tongue.
Beta sighed and rubbed at her eyes. It wasn't like any route report she'd ever filled out before. It was one single sheet with little clumps of information and none of it made sense other than the coordinates. There were two groups of numbers, what seemed to be a tacky stick house drawing and a small list of objects. She felt like she was going mad. Beta closed the file and chucked it to Brandon, who barely caught it before it scattered to the floor. "You see if you can make sense of that." She grimaced, scrunching her nose up. "I can't make heads nor tails of it."
Brandon mocked her face before opening the file. "Well shit." Brandon said quietly and Beta perked up. She nudged Hec awake, who had been quietly dozing on the chair for the past half an hour. Brandon slapped the file down and pointed at the page. "You, my dear friends, are going on a raid."
Hector was awake and alert at once. With the speed he sat up in his chair, he almost tumbled off it if Red hadn't grabbed the back of Hec's t-shirt. "What?"
"This is a preliminary raid objective, and it's highly likely that the rest of them are too."
Beta's stomach almost fell out her ass. "We're leading a raid?" She felt sick.
Brandon chuckled. "No, you'll be joining a raid. Well, you will if you file this paperwork."
"What the fuck does that mean?" Red snapped, looking sick too.
"It means that this is the outline for a raid which will be led by someone else. This slip of paper is merely an invitation and if you decide to join, you'll file this into the system and then you'll receive further information about the raid and who's leading it." Brandon point to page again. "Here you'll see the squadron numbers that have also been sent the invite. Over here is a rough sketch of what the target building should look like, the suspected number of rebels inside or around, and the objects Dauntless is looking for on those coordinates."
"What the fuck is a rainbow halo?" Red asked as he squinted at the page.
"The objects are in code just in case our enemies get a hold of this. It's stupid names really."
"How the fuck did you create this code? Ask some high dumb fuck for another word for the object?"
Brandon smirked. "You're correct actually." He winked at Beta. "Jason is very amusing high, and he'll happily create new words for you if you ask nicely."
Hec and Beta laughed. That sounded exactly like something Jason would do.
"Important question though," Hec raised a hand. He tried to look serious but the smirk he struggled to keep off his face ruined it. "Does he know that he's created a code while high?"
"Not a clue." Brandon grinned. "He just thinks we were playing a word game."
"Jason?" Beta said with a laugh. "He hates word games."
"Yeah, but high, he loves almost everything."
Beta shook her head, amused. Mostly because even though Dauntless is very militarian and strict, it's also wild and fucking nuts, so it makes perfect sense to create a secret military code with a guinea pig – this guinea pig being Jason – so high off his ass that he won't remember it in the morning. "I want to say I'm surprised, but part of me isn't." She gathered the file, picking it up as she stood from the chair, nodding to Red and Hec. "Round up the rest of 226 and we'll have a discussion about this." Beta waved the file in the air. "We'll meet on the roof in thirty minutes."
Her squaddies nodded and left the office in search of their colleagues. Brandon stared at her, his mouth dipped low in a frown.
"Aren't you just gonna accept it?"
Beta smiled softly and tilted her head ever so slightly. "I would if I didn't care what my squaddies want." As his eyes squinted in further confusion, she elaborated. "You forget how I work Brandon. We only transferred to the Front because I was sure that's what everyone wanted to do. I'll only accept it if everyone is comfortable with the idea and want to do it. Being uncomfortable or reluctant can lead to mistakes in the field. Sometimes injury or death. I don't want that to hang over their heads because I made them do it without asking if they're okay with it."
Brandon stared at her for a moment longer before he started chuckling. "Never change Issy. You really are one of a kind."
Issy smiled back. Once upon a time when she heard a colleague call her by her birth name, it would have sent a shot of annoyance through her. Now, it was just nice to hear it again after so long.
As she walked out of Brandon's office, she heard him speak again, but she had shut the door before he could finish his sentence.
xXx
An hour later, they were all in agreement.
Lani and BD were unsure about the prospect, but soon agreed that if they were able to show Leadership that they were adaptable, then there would be more career paths for them to choose from if they decided being on the Front was too much for them. And even if they tried the first raid and didn't like it, they didn't need to attend the others that Harrison had sent her.
Though, deep down, Beta knew that Harrison and Brandon had decided to give 226 this chance at climbing the ranks because Beta and her squaddies met every challenge in their path head on and come out on top every time without the arrogance or the ego that sometimes manifests in soldiers.
Brandon wanted to see them come out on top no matter how many challenges he threw at them.
Harrison wanted to see if they had a breaking point, and what happens after it. Will they continue to fall, or will they stand and rise again.
Issy wanted to see how far she could go before she questioned every aspect of her life and whether the façade of her fearsome soldier was really worth it. In the early hours of the day when Issy was awake and staring into the brightening sky, she picked at the cracks that were beginning to show. Once upon a time, she thought living with initially two different personalities was necessary to be successful in an area such as active combat, and now she was struggling to claw away the mask to find herself again. In the whispers of sunrise, Issy wondered if it was really two different personalities, or simply a part of her that she was scared to live. Either way, Issy now knew that the sides couldn't – shouldn't be flipped between like a light switch.
It was simply her, in all her glory and flaws. In all her caring, recklessness, loyalty, arrogance, thoughtfulness, and bravado. Two sides of the same coin rather than two different people. Acceptance was a start, but as Issy waded through the walls she had put up between the two, the prospect of merging her personalities would be a lot harder.
Overwhelmed and unsure of where to start, Issy picked up her phone and pressed call.
For a moment there was only the sound of the phone dialling and her own breathing until the call connected and on the other end was a groggy voice still deep with sleep.
"Hello?"
Words caught in her throat. "Bree. Hi. It's Issy."
There was a rustle of clothes and movement on the other side and Issy held her breath. "It's five a.m. Issy, is everything alright?"
"Yeah, um, it seems I'm having an existential crisis. You were the first to see me for who I am, or was, outside of my family and I know if I go to my brothers, they won't be as honest as I need and I feel like I'm losing it and lying to myself and everyone around me and –" She choked on a laugh, the fake humour bitter on her tongue. "I don't know what to do."
"Alright, gimmie a sec. Noah! Get the fuck out, it's a sister emergency." There was mumbling on the other side and Bree hissed. "Spending one night on the sofa won't kill you. Move your ass, lets go." There was more grumbling, but a door opened and shut soon after. "So, let's start from the beginning and go from there."
"Did – did you just kick Noah out of bed for this?"
"Technically, yes, but he should have been up already for work so it's his own fault." Issy could hear the grin through the phone with no problem and shook her head. "From the beginning, let's go."
And so Issy told Bree about her identity struggles, about losing herself to the soldier façade and wrapping herself in lies, about struggling to find the girl who laughed as she fell into the net on her first day in Dauntless.
Bree listened as Issy rambled on and on, often going back on herself and repeating the same things again and again. When Issy stopped, panting with thoughts and feelings ran dry, Bree was silent for a moment so long that she thought Bree had hung up.
"So," Bree started, her voice quiet. "What I'm hearing is you brought on a persona that you though people expected from you as being a part of Dauntless, and then when people separated that from you, you went along with it until you drowned in the soldier they expected you to be, and now that's all they expect from you. Now, you've come to the realisation that that isn't who you are as a whole and are having an identity crisis." Bree paused for a moment before she continued. "You came to me for my Candor honesty and you're gonna get it. My dude, that is not healthy, but you got yourself into this mess. The only thing anyone expected from you was to be yourself. The only thing that told you to be more was your trauma. You aren't over things that happened in the past, and maybe you never will be, but I see it as you were trying to be the person you thought you should have been all those years ago, in an event that was way out of your control. In some kind of fucked up way, you're guilt tripping yourself to be someone that's not entirely you. Traumas fucked, I get that, but you let this go on because you thought it was best. It's not and now you're beginning to realise it. You need to start putting down boundaries. Both with people and within your own mind. You are both Beta and Issy, but always first and foremost Issy. I'll not lie, for a long while, it seemed like this spilt personality thing didn't bother you, but it seems you didn't even realise you knew what you were doing. No one of our family is expecting you to be someone you're not, expect for you apparently."
"Thank you for your honesty." Issy's voice was meek when she replied. She had gone to Bree for this reason. For words she needed but didn't want to hear. "This spilt personality thing as you call it has begun to affect relationships, mine and yours being one of them."
Bree sighed on the other end but didn't disagree. "I don't get like with ruthless Beta Vince so much. I do miss mischievous Issy Vince I went through Initiation with. Though, I feel like I'd have a lot of things in common with Issy 'Beta' Vince. Keeping them separate will make it worse for those around you and yourself. Just be you. Be the crackhead that will meet every challenge that is set. Be the person that is deeply loyal to those around her. Be the crazy, confident, goofy, sexy woman that we all fell in love with." Bree inhaled like she was close to tears. "If there's a next time when you feel yourself drowning, please know that there are so many people that will help you. Don't isolate yourself again."
"I won't." Issy said and blinked her own tears back. Bree had given her a lot more to think on, some truths that Issy hadn't even realised yet.
"At least you're aware now though. That's good. One hurdle after the other though. Find yourself first – the old and new you – before you start going down that weird road of relationships. You need to know your own boundaries and get your shit together, but I know that this is a two-person problem, and that second person isn't me." Issy laughed a little. "I want you to be happy and I now know that has to be at your own pace. So find yourself in your own being first, and then go find yourself in another when you are ready."
"Thanks Bree. I'm so glad we met that day on the train."
"My life would be boring without you, I'm sure."
"And my life would be built on lies."
"The dramatics isn't necessary, but you get points for trying."
Issy laughed. She was amazed that every time she felt like shit, she found a new way to be thankful she ever spilt her blood on those burning coals. Issy also knew that more often than not, Bree and her newfound family was the reason.