Chapter 23
As soon as the door to her apartment closed behind Botan, Kuwabara, and Yukina, leaving her alone with Hiei, Rin's facade of normalcy broke. She drew her knees up to her chest and curled into herself on one end of the couch, resting her head on her crossed arms and closing her eyes. Only for a moment, she told herself. Just resting her eyes before she had to deal with the demon in the room.
He was going to be angry with her. And she deserved it, too. She had stupidly gotten kidnapped, was too weak to resist Mayuga's mind control (or pheromones, or whatever it was), and she had needed to be rescued. The undisputed fact was that Hiei hated weakness. Disdained it more than anything else. What if his interest in her changed to contempt? Her stomach dropped at the thought, and she clutched her knees closer to her chest. This was going to be a disaster.
A breeze ruffled her hair, and then something perched on the arm of the couch. She started, but before she could raise her head, fingers trailed lightly over her exposed neck, then twined into the small hairs at her nape. Hiei. His fingers radiated heat as they traced slow patterns on her scalp, his callouses rasping over her skin. She leaned into his touch and pressed her head against his warm, solid side. They sat like that for a long time.
Perhaps she had mistaken anger for something else. Perhaps she didn't know him as well as she thought, had allowed her fears and anxiety to take over. Maybe, given that demons lived comparatively longer lives, it wasn't fair for her to assume that he'd been static the last fifteen years, either.
Some time later, Rin raised her head, shaking herself out of a half doze. His fingers stilled, and she looked up at him. His eyes were half lidded, the deep red of coals at the heart of a fire. He raised an eyebrow, and in answer to his unspoken question, she patted the couch next to her. He hesitated, then hopped down from the arm of the couch. Normally lithe and graceful, Hiei's movements were jerky and awkward as he folded himself down next to her. He sat on the very edge, back straight, like he was prepared to jump off at any moment.
Rin had no idea how to start. They needed to talk about what had happened, but it was going to be a difficult conversation. Well, the only way out was through…
"So, about today," she began.
Before she could continue, he glanced at her sidelong, his gaze heavy, and said, "It doesn't take my Jagan Eye to know that you want me to talk about what happened. I…" He paused, trailing off, and took a breath. "I can only promise to try, nothing more. This… isn't something that comes naturally to me."
Rin nodded, thinking, wondering how to word the question that was sitting heavy like a stone inside her storm of emotions. Eventually, she said simply, "Just… I just want to know if you're angry with me."
It was many long seconds before he answered. She couldn't look at him, shame and trepidation and twenty other feelings swirling around her head and filling her belly with acid.
"I turned around, and you weren't there," Hiei said, gaze unfocused and distant. "Suddenly I couldn't feel your presence. It was like you dropped off the face of the earth, like you died. And I couldn't stop it." He took a ragged breath. "I was right there. I am the victor of countless battles, I was lieutenant to one of the three Demon Kings, I've mastered myself to shed any hint of weakness, and yet it was so fast, so complete that I couldn't do a damn thing about it. You were just gone." The raw hurt, frustration, and anger was written on his face, in the cracks in his voice.
Tentatively Rin laid a hand on his shoulder, so lightly that they were barely touching at all.
"It's not your fault," she said gently. "I told you already that one of her men was cloaking us."
He scoffed and shook her hand away. "And that's supposed to make me feel better? My Jagan Eye should be able to find anything," Hiei said, rubbing at his forehead like it was an annoying itch he couldn't help but scratch. "What is the point if it couldn't find you, and it couldn't find my sister? Why did I go through all that pain?"
"Because you care," Rin said softly. "And caring always comes with pain, whether we like it or not." Her heart ached for him.
Hiei barked a laugh that had no mirth or joy in it. "You say I care. And maybe I do, fool that I am." A pause, then, with scorn, "I care about my sister who married an idiot, and a human girl who can't be trusted to protect herself."
He might as well have punched Rin in the stomach for all that his statement knocked the wind out of her. After the whole stupid day, the kidnapping, and everything, he had to say that. The one thing she didn't want to hear. He cared, but he regretted it. He thought she was weak. In the end she wasn't good enough for him, as she had once feared. She hung her head, its weight suddenly too much to bear. She had known this was going to happen.
Taking a deep breath for strength and raising her chin, she looked the fire demon in the eyes. "If you feel that way, if you think I'm so weak, you should leave," she said firmly, her voice shaking only a little.
Rin had been in unequal relationships (not that this was a relationship, but it was something) before, where she had made herself smaller for the other person, lived only inside their expectations, never wanting anything for herself. Even as much as she liked Hiei, as much as there was still that fifteen-year-old girl inside her that wanted to impress him, she wouldn't sit by and be made less. Not again. She was worth more than that.
He ran a hand through his wild black hair and made an exasperated noise. "I… That's… that's not - . Fuck. I mean, I didn't say that. That's not what I meant." He paused, then grumbled testily, "This is exactly why I hate talking. My words keep twisting."
Rin breathed slowly in and out to control the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. She wouldn't cry. Everything she had dared to hope for in the weeks since the wedding was crashing down and demons wanted to take over Human World again, but she still wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. She held herself perfectly still, stared straight ahead, as if by doing this she wouldn't fall apart.
After a moment, he shifted on the couch and her heart stopped; she knew he was going to leave, expected him to flash away, never to be seen again. Then his arm was around her shoulder, pulling her to him. She stiffened at his touch and looked up into his face. Those crimson eyes were bright with something she couldn't name.
Hiei's mouth opened, but no words came out. He hesitated, looked annoyed at himself, then finally said quietly, "I don't want to leave." He leaned forward and put his forehead to hers with a heavy sigh. His skin radiated steady warmth as always, and even through the bandage, she could feel his Jagan Eye pulsing with power. He continued, "But I will, if that is what you want." He waited for her response, and when she didn't say anything or pull away, he took a shuddering breath. "Why does this have to be so hard? I wish… I wish none of this had happened. I wish I had been stronger. No, I should have been stronger. You never should have been in danger. I was supposed to protect you, and I failed. This was all my damn fault."
Rin closed her eyes, feeling his warmth and the way their breath mingled, the smell of woodsmoke enveloping her, his skin on hers. Of course he would blame himself. Of course his feelings were complicated, his lifelong belief in absolute power warring with his affection for her, and he had no real way to resolve that dichotomy. Of course he was frustrated and upset and saying the wrong things. But she needed to make something clear.
"You know, 99% of the time, I can protect myself," Rin said. "I don't need someone else to do it. Maybe I'm not going to take down a Demon King, but I took care of myself with Nokawa, and I've been fending off the odd demon attack since I left the group. But this? This was completely different. Sometimes strategy and surprise are better than raw power, and we clearly weren't prepared for that."
Hiei gave a noncommittal grunt, acknowledging but not agreeing with her statement, then said, "I still should have seen it coming." The frustration and disgust at himself were palpable in his voice. "I… understand if you still want me to go. I will keep watch till morning in any case."
Her own feelings were boiling in her chest, tangled and fraught, but one desire rose above the rest. Maybe it was a bad idea, but she wanted it.
"Don't leave," Rin whispered, holding his gaze. "Stay with me tonight."
He closed his eyes with a sigh, and then his hand was on her face. He kissed her softly, sweetly, like she was made of the most delicate crystal. Breaking the kiss, she snuggled into his side and put her head in the hollow of his shoulder. He was as stiff as a statue, like he was afraid he might spook her if he moved.
After a few seconds, she decided that they were missing some things and went to get them. Hiei looked small and lost on her couch, enclosed on all sides by such a domestic, human space. She returned with the TV remote, having already lit a scented candle and turned off the lights.
When he looked owlishly up at her, confused, she smiled and said, "It's been a long day. Let's just relax."
She burrowed back into him, covering them both with one of the blankets Kuwabara had heaped on her earlier, grabbed snacks from the side table (also provided by Mother Hen Kuwabara), and turned on an old science fiction show. At first he was awkward, not sure what to do with his hands, but eventually he sank back into the cushions while he occasionally stroked her back, ate snacks, and presumably watched the show (she actually wasn't sure on that point). He was quiet, in any case, letting the noise of the TV wash over him. Rin was warm, safe, and comfortable, and soon her eyelids began to drift closed.
Much later, she woke to the television still glowing in the dark, the candle burned down. It was very late. She snuck a look up at Hiei; his red eyes reflected the ghostly light of the television. Yawning, Rin stood. The blanket fell away, and she held out her hand.
"Come on, let's go to bed," she said, her voice low with sleep.
His ears perked up at that, and he followed her to the bedroom. But Rin wasn't interested in anything but sleeping. She brushed her teeth and washed her face, then pulled the comforter off the bed (being a fire demon, Hiei was a miniature furnace and they wouldn't need it), stripped down into her underwear and an overlarge sleep shirt, and got between the sheets. Hiei watched all of this with a bemused look on his face.
Rin threw back the covers for him. He hesitated, then laid down still wearing all his clothes. Rin stifled a laugh that turned into a yawn. She meant to stay awake and talk to him in the dark, but the exhaustion she had been pushing away all day rushed in with a vengeance, and she was asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.
Birds sang outside, and the rising sun shone through the curtains over her bedroom window. For a few moments, Rin relished the warmth and comfort of her bed, then remembered with a start that she was sharing it with Hiei. Unless he had left before she woke up. Again. Rin rolled her eyes, turned over, and was surprised to see him sleeping next to her, one arm thrown over his head and still wearing all of his clothes. His face was smooth and unlined in sleep, all the years of his difficult life wiped away. She watched him for a while, wondering how such a dangerous demon could look so very young and peaceful.
Rin raised a hand, hesitated, then brushed a stray strand of his silky black hair away from his eyes, trying not to wake him, but his eyes snapped open. He snatched her hand, relaxing when his brain caught up with his reflexes and he remembered where he was. Rin tried to pull her hand back, but he gave her a teasing, fanged smile and held it tighter.
"You should know better than to touch a sleeping demon," he said huskily, his burning gaze tracing the lines of her face.
"Good morning to you too," Rin whispered, entranced by the hungry look in his eyes and the delicate shadows of his long eyelashes against his cheeks, the shape of his lips.
Instead of answering, his gaze deepened and he pulled her in for a kiss. His lips were sweet and gentle at first, then moved with more urgency, more need, his tongue darting into her mouth. His calloused hands roamed over her back and skimmed her sides over her shirt. He moved his attention to her neck with a feral smile, but before he could do much more than graze her skin with his lips, she pushed him over onto his back and climbed on top of him.
Hiei watched her with eyes wide with surprise, want, and not just a little apprehension. He had always hated not being in control. He tried to touch her, pull her to him, grip her bare thighs, but she pushed away his questing hands and pressed them to the mattress.
"No touching," she said with a playful shake of her head.
Giving the fire demon a wicked smile, Rin shifted her weight back and snuck her fingers just under the edge of his shirt where it met his pants. His whole body shuddered at her touch, his fiery red eyes dark with need and locked on her face. His hands fisted in the sheets as her fingers slipped farther under his shirt, slowly exploring his chest, his stomach, the sharp blades of his hips, and then skimmed lower still. Hiei shivered, closing his eyes as though in prayer, and held himself absolutely motionless.
His body underneath hers glowed with golden light in the morning sun, sending heat spiraling up through her core and into her head. He was so very beautiful, and Rin wanted him so very badly.
Impatient and suddenly tired of teasing him, she tugged insistently at his shirt. He took the hint, wriggling out of the fabric. Rin devoured the sight of him laid out beneath her, his lean torso corded with muscle and crisscrossed with scars. Distracted by his right arm, she cautiously trailed her fingers over the dragon tattoo; it was as black as a starless night, as black as sin, as black as the depths of Demon World. Even now she could feel the power of the dragon thrumming along his arm. He watched her hungrily.
Rin shifted her gaze to his face, then leaned down and kissed him, playfully biting his bottom lip. His breath caught in his throat with a small surprised gasp, which was probably the sexiest thing she had ever heard. She rose to her knees, making sure he was watching, stretched luxuriously so that her shirt rode up, then slowly pulled the cloth over her head as she arched her back. She tossed the shirt away with a smirk. Hiei drank her in for a moment or two, then grabbed one of her wrists and pulled her down to him with a growl. This time, she let him.
Author's note: A little spice for you all - enjoy!
I'm going to sound like someone's mom here, but I have to say it: never make yourself smaller for a partner, even a hot fire demon. You are worth more than being shoved in a box by some dumb asshole who thinks he can control you.
Thanks as always to finalgladius and limited92addition for the follows, and to Madam Misfortune, Luna963, and finalgladius for the favorites!