Severus took a deep breath centering himself. He could do this. He was going to fucking have to. Attempting to ignore the small whining voice at the back of his head that protested that he really, really didn't want to, he began organising his classroom.

He jumped at the sound of someone pointedly clearing their throat before whirling around to face them. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I promised Jean, remember?" Saul grinned. "She wants the memory."

He growled, "She'll be fucking disappointed, after yesterday I'm going to have to be on my best behaviour."

Saul frowned at him, "What happened yesterday?"

Severus felt himself deflate, "Hermione and I had…words. It was the boys' sexual education lecture yesterday and I might have…reminded Mr Nott to keep his hands and every other part of his body to himself."

"Oh." Saul visibly stifled his grin, "And Hermione was…unimpressed?"

"You could say that," he muttered.

"Then I look forward to watching you try to hold your temper," he grinned, "How is she getting on with her project?"

"Slowly," Severus winced, "It's…she's not sure where to go next. I gather she's traded some ideas with some of your team but they're not sure where to go either. I believe Montgomery is visiting next week to problem solve."

Saul hummed, "She does realise that none of us expects her to have all the answers, doesn't she?"

"She expects her to have all the answers," he retorted.

"I'll speak to her. The information she's already got is groundbreaking, perhaps she should take a break and focus on the wolfsbane? The Horcruxes aren't going anywhere just yet and we are looking at lots of other avenues."

"I'll let you suggest it," Severus replied with a shrug. "Perhaps remind her that we have a live-in test subject and therefore we should make the most of it."

Saul hummed, "How is that unlikely friendship going?"

Severus sneered, "We are not friends….we're….""

"I swear to Circe Severus if you say friendly I will hex you!"

He glowered, moving to write the day's potions on the board as he contemplated how fucking awful this was going to be. Could he just pretend that it was another potion? He could, couldn't he? And perhaps subtly sabotage both Theo and Hermiones so that neither could take a sample with them as was the tradition. I had never bothered him before, giving them one free pass had always seemed sensible. It lasted for five years if brewed correctly and it meant that the little sods could take it without the embarrassment of going to Poppy. One of the pair had usually gotten over their embarrassment once the first time was out of the road, and for those that still couldn't face her, there was an underground student brewing system that he pretended not to know about and checked weekly to make sure was actually safe. The Slytherin prefects knew to come to him if anyone came asking that was too young and he anonymously sent their Head of House to discreetly deal with it. It worked. It was fine. It had never been his daughter before. And now suddenly it didn't work. He was struck by the horrifying thought that Theodore Nott would definitely know about the underground brewing. Fuck.

The class filed in looking at him expectantly, "You are here to brew the contraceptive potion. Two, as there are subtle differences between the male and female versions. As a result, you will be paired with a member of the opposite sex." He glared, "As is tradition, if you brew these correctly, you will be allowed to take a sample. The potion lasts for five years," his gaze swept the room before landing on both of his children, as he continued succinctly, "There is no rush to use it."

Saul chose that moment to make his presence known, "Don't mind me, I'm just here to observe," he smiled around the room, waving at a visibly embarrassed Hermione and Harry.

Severus bit back his groan. "Those who are sitting next to a member of the opposite sex, remain seated, the rest of you stand." There was a small flurry of movement as they complied. "Mr Potter with…Miss Greengrass. Mr Weasley with Miss Brown, Mr Goyle, Miss Patil, Mr Crabbe with Miss Bulstrode. Begin."

He breathed out a sigh of relief at the sight of Hermione with Longbottom, never before had he thought he'd be grateful for the boy. Theo was struggling with a visibly impatient Miss Parkinson, and Draco with the reserved Miss Travers. Still..he didn't have to watch his daughter and her…whatever he was, brewing contraceptives together, that would probably have threatened his ability to keep his promise to Hermione. Although he was going to suggest she put a label on it, the wizarding world didn't have boyfriends, they had bethrotheds, the word would horrify Thoros which just made it all the better. There had to be some positives to the boy.

Silently, he stalked around the classroom checking on them all. Even Crabbe and Goyle were moving carefully, clearly wanting to be able to take some and wasn't that a fucking horrifying thought?

At the back of the room, Saul was looking disappointed. "I must confess I expected more….drama." he huffed when Severus reached him.

"Then you should have attended yesterday's lecture," Severus replied pointedly, "We were asked what one did with two penises."

Saul blinked for a moment before he grinned, "I do hope your answer was have a marvellous time."

Severus almost laughed at the look of horror mixed with disgust on Ronald Weasley's face. "I've never been one for another man's penis and I don't imagine having two of my own would be…comfortable." he drawled, wondering just how red the boy could go.

"Pity," Saul murmured, "I've always wondered what it would be like to have your focus solely on me. Bastard you might be, Severus but no one can deny you have an appeal all of your own, all that intense dark broodiness. I find myself rather jealous of Amelia."

Purple, Severus realised, purple was the colour he could make Weasley's face go. At his other side, Finnegan looked torn between amusement and revulsion.

"Twenty minutes," he called, hiding his smirk, "The female version should now be simmering and you should be adding the tansy to your male contraceptive."

Visibly struggling, Weasley dragged himself back to his potion.

"You should be done," he commented softly, as the end of the class drew blessedly near. Silently, he swept through the room, checking the potions. "You may all take a sample," he commented reluctantly, refusing to watch his children bottle theirs. It was fucking uncomfortable and he hoped to fucking Merlin that Minvera was willing to break out the good scotch tonight. He'd earned it hadn't he? He'd behaved? No one was hexed, and no potion was sabotaged. He'd definitely earned a reward.

He slumped down at his desk in relief when the last student left his classroom. "I'm almost proud, "Saul grinned, "I half expected you to cave and vanish Hermine and Theo's potions."

"I considered it," he muttered.

Saul laughed, "Drink?"

"Gods yes."

Minerva joined them after dinner. "Thank Godric this week is over. I despise having to give the girls that chat." she sighed pouring herself a healthy measure.

"You hate it?" Severus replied incredulously, "I had Harry, Draco and Theodore sodding Nott in my lecture!"

Minerva laughed, "Yes well, I had Lavender Brown, Parvati Patil and Pansy Parkinson. I swear they were just throwing questions at me to see if I'd be embarrassed."

"What did they ask?" Saul asked eagerly.

"They asked about different positions, anal sex, how many calories were in sperm if they were to ah…swallow and whether masturbation could really make a boy blind."

"At least they didn't ask what to do with two cocks," Severus muttered.

Minerva snorted, "Actually they did."

"Pardon?"

"Miss Brown, in what was clearly fueled by a dare, asked what spit-roasting was. Apparently, she'd heard the term from an older student."

"Dear Merlin." Saul breathed, "Are they normally so….forward?"

"Aye, there's always at least one. The only saving grace was it was clear that none of them had any ah…practical experience. Long may it continue. Miss Brown in particular looked horrified when she eventually realised what she'd asked me."

Severus groaned, "Let's hope they remain practically ignorant for at least the next twenty years." he muttered, before he blurted, "How the fuck do you know what spit roasting is?"

Minerva rolled her eyes, "I refuse to answer that. And don't be absurd. If we get them to sixteen, I'll consider it a job well done." she gave a wicked smirk, "Most of them won't be able to look at a boy after the sexually transmitted disease portion of the lecture. Poppy was particularly brutal this year, I have a feeling she's recently had a refresher course. Most of the girls were green at the end."

Saul laughed, as Severus spluttered then frowned, "Why is sixteen the magic number?" he asked suddenly, determinedly shoving the words Minerva and spit roasting out of his head. Maybe Amelia could obliviate him? "That was the age Jean mentioned too."

"Because it's the age of consent in the muggle world. I think it's just stuck. Remember Professor McCabe used to teach the girls? She was muggleborn. I think she started it. Of age would definitely be better, out of school would make me immensely happy but unfortunately, that might be pushing the boundaries of reality."

"I really need to organise that elf army," he muttered, startling a laugh from Saul.

"They'd drive you insane within a week," he replied with a smirk.

"Why in the name of Merlin are you organising an army of elves?" Minerva asked bewildered.

"To keep an eye on Hermione," Saul laughed.

"Ah. Good luck with that." Minerva snorted.

Silently cursing them both, Severus drained his glass.

Saul looked at him shrewdly, "Perhaps I'll come back tomorrow to speak to Hermione. How are the mind healer sessions going?"

"The children's? Fine. Apparently, Harry is doing well and Hermione is less….reluctant to speak"

"That's something," Saul mused, "How is Lucius getting on with the contract?"

"Oh, it's done. Did I not say?"

Saul rolled his eyes, "No." He watched as he rummaged through his bookcase, unearthing the contract. "Very good, my Unspeakables will be thrilled, several of them have been desperate to get their hands on this."

Severus hummed, "Her article has gone to the Potions guild for verification. I…I am concerned about Albus' reaction."

"You think he'll harm her?"

Severus sighed, "No but…we all know he makes decisions based on nothing more than what he thinks is best. I know he has an elf watching him but he's Albus."

"And she has her necklace. It will be fine. Has there been any contact?"

"No. He's been concerningly quiet."

"And that worries you?"

Severus looked at him pointedly, "He's Albus"

Saul snorted, conceding his point. "Where's the dog?" he asked suddenly, looking around the room as if expecting him to materialise.

"I…I actually have no idea." Severus frowned, realising Thanatos wasn't there. Which was concerning. He wasn't a small dog. How exactly did one lose a dog the size of a small horse? Fuck the children were going to murder him.

"Could one of the children have taken him out?"

"Without me noticing?" Severus asked incredulously.

Saul winced, "Fair point. Thanatos! Thanatos!"

"Since when did you have a dog?" Minerva muttered.

"Hermione's birthday, he…sound us."

"Found you?" Minerva echoed.

"Yes. Half starved and disgusting. Hermione loved him on sight."

Saul couldn't contain his snort. "I have truly no idea how you managed to produce that child, Severus."

Severus rolled his eyes, moving to answer the door at the sound of someone banging on it.

"Yes?" He glared down at the boy on the other side.

"I ah…I think your dog might be in the grounds, Sir. Weasleys screaming about his rat."

"Fuck," Severus hissed, forcing himself to continue, "Thank you, Mr Nott. I will deal with it."

"That almost choked you didn't it?" Saul grinned, following him out of the door.

They found Thanatos sitting next to the black lake looking…cross. "What are you doing you ridiculous dog?" Severus growled, "And how the fuck did you get out?"

Moments later, Hermione barreled into him. "Did he catch Scabbers?" she asked breathlessly.

"No."

She whirled, rounding on the dog, "Bad Puppy! What were you thinking!" He whined, lowering himself onto his stomach. "Oh no! That won't work this time! Ron is furious! You almost took his hand off trying to get Scabbers! How did you get into the Tower! And what were you told!" The dog whined again. "No! I'm too cross with you. Go back with Father. Bad Puppy!"

And then she whirled again, storming back towards the castle.

"What the bloody fuck just happened?"

Saul huffed out a laugh, "I have no idea but perhaps we should get the god back to your rooms and go and check on Mr Weasley?"

Severus groaned, "Fucking wonderful." he uttered.

"Are you sure this is wise, my girl?" he asked hesitantly, his eyes on the redheads in front of him.

She shrugged, "Why not? It's their product and I imagine they'll have some ideas. I had one actually, but I think we need them to make it work."

He hummed, "Very well. How is…the other Mr Weasley?"

She sighed, her shoulders slumping, "Furious. We found Scabbers in Hagrids of all places and Puppy didn't break the skin but still…."

"He's rather pathetic, you know."

"Ron?" she frowned.

Severus snorted, "Often, but no, the bloody dog. He keeps watching the door."

"I'm still too cross," she muttered.

"Hermione, he's a dog!"

"An intelligent dog who knows better! He could have herded Ron to see you if it was that desperate we see Scabbers."

"You still think there's something there?"

"I don't know. It's…strange, really isn't it?"

"I could check him over?"

"Scabbers? Maybe. Although we'd need to keep Puppy away while you did."

He hummed, "We'll sort something. Did you know your Grandmother will be here next week?"

"For the feast?" Hermione perked up.

"Yes. All the governors are coming."

"Oh good. I feel like I haven't seen her in ages."

"I can't say that makes me sad," he muttered, "Right, shall we get this over with?"

Fred and Gerges's heads shot up as they approached, "Mione was a bit vague, what exactly were you thinking?"

"We couldn't decide, something that would annoy her really. I had wondered about glitter that…followed her."

"Followed her?" Fred frowned.

"Yes….I got the idea from watching Crooks. What if the glitter took on a shape that changed every time they were hit with a spell."

"Such as?" George asked.

"Um…I don't know. Animals? They could shed as they moved, rub against her, nest in her clothes…."

Fred and George's eyes lit up, "That's genius! Glitter pets."

"We could go really big…"

"Like an elephant!"

"Or small and hard to catch…"

"Like a mouse or a rat…"

"We could cater to specific phobias…."

"Like spiders!" they said in unison as Severus watched with wide eyes. This was going to end really badly, he knew it was. Not that he could stop it. But fuck it all if the three of them together didn't give him genuine chills of fear.

"Ella's always hated butterflies," he voiced instead, attempting to ignore how unsettling the matching slow grins that bloomed across all of their faces were.

Several hours later he watched as a small flock of glittering butterflies chased a laughing Hermione around the room.

"I think it works," he kept his tone sarcastic but fuck it all if he wasn't impressed. Absolutely fucking terrified, but impressed. Harry had joined them after an hour and their ideas had gotten more and more outlandish. Already the twins were planning an entire line of products based on the howlers. Hermione had given them the incantation and the countercharm for the glitter she and Draco had charmed to reappear. They had taken turns charming different animals, linking spells to the change so that the glitter went through a set series before disappearing. The elephant had been nightmare-inducing. Who knew?

And then they'd begun discussing their original idea of glitter that doesn't behave the way it's expected to when hit with the usual spells.

"I think we should test it," Hermione announced, grinning when a butterfly landed on her outstretched hand.

"You can't send another one to Lord Fawley," Harry protested, "Grandmother will murder us!"

"What about Lord Nott?" she laughed, "We could send him chickens, I imagine he'd quite like it. Loofah might not though."

Harry laughed "Gods please do!"

The twins gave a sharp nod, "One howler,"

"With chickens…."

"Coming up!"

Half an hour later, they had it in hand, "School owl?" Harry checked.

"Um, probably. In case he hates it." she turned slightly, looking at the twins, "You will plan distribution with Grandmother when she's here at Halloween won't you?"

They nodded slowly, "If you agree to take a percentage." Fred replied looking unusually serious."

"Don't be absurd! This was your baby!"

"And partly your idea. Agree, Mione….and then help us?"

"You know you want to, we've a couple of formulas we can't get quite right if you have some free time."

"And while we could do it ourselves, think how many things we could get out there with another pair of hands."

Hermione made a distressed noise at the back of her throat, "I don't want to vomit!"

Both Fred and George looked sheepish, "Well technically, you wouldn't have to…"

"We've got the vomiting sorted."

"It's the stopping vomiting we're having trouble with."

Severus frowned, why the fuck were they vomiting? What the fuck was he missing? And why would Hermione be involved? He didn't like this. This was fucking strange, all of it. His daughter needed better friends. New friends. Friends who didn't come with vomit. She was fucking agreeing though, which was worrying. Did he not have enough to worry about? Without adding in the sodding Weasley twins. What had he done to deserve this new hell?

Theodore,

Do you have any idea why someone would send me a howler full of glittering chickens? I rather like them but Loofah is not impressed. They keep following her around and trying to sleep in her bed. One of them stole her tiara. Please let me know if you know how to get rid of them.

Father.

Severus frowned at the owl that was making its way towards him. Fuck. It was carrying a red envelope. And now all the little sods were watching. Could he make a run for it? Probably not. Not if he wanted to keep any semblance of dignity. The students were like sharks, they'd sense the blood and never let him forget it. Right then. Howler coming his way now. Fuck.

"Severus Snape! I know it was fucking you! I have butterflies all over my fucking house! Glittery butterflies. We vanished one and it turned into an elephant! It destroyed a portrait of Father! I expect it fixed, Severus or I'll ensure you father no more fucking children!"

There was a resounding silence before he scared the entire great all by laughing until he cried.

"What in the name of Merlin was that?" Pomona asked faintly as he gasped, trying to get himself under control.

"Ella…" he wheezed. "Oh! Oh, Gods. We sent her….fucking glittery butterflies!" And then he was howling.

"Has someone cursed Professor Snape?" Hannah Abbot murmured to Susan who just grinned back.

"You're volunteering….to chaperone?" Minerva checked, looking at him like he'd never seen him before.

"Yes." He muttered.

"Why?"

He sighed, "Hermione's going with Theo sodding Nott."

"Ah." she hid her smile behind her hand. "I see. Has she…forgiven the dog yet?"

"No," he sighed, "And I still haven't checked Weasley's rat."

"What on earth has Mr Weasley's rat got to do with anything?" Minerva asked bewildered.

"Thanatos seems determined to eat it."

"Oh. I truly have no idea what to say to that Severus. Enjoy Hogsmeade."

He stalked down towards the village, students scattering in his wake. Where the fuck was she?

Harry spotted him and smirked, "Severus."

He glowered back, "Where is your sister?"

"With Theo," the boy replied promptly, mischief clear on his face.

"Where….specifically, with Theo?" he growled.

Harry gestured vaguely in front of him. His scowl deepened, and he started to move forward again, almost cursing the boy when Harry called after him, "Susan and Draco are with them."

Little shit. Letting him think they were alone. He was going to…do something. Something he wouldn't like. Not that he was sure what. Annalise was coming soon, best get that visit over with first or she'd help her retaliate. He could wait a day.

He spotted them finally, Hermione's hand clutched tightly in one of Theo's, Draco and Susan at their side. Were Draco and Susan a thing? Surely he didn't need to worry about that too? Didn't he have enough to do? Neville Longbottom appeared out of nowhere, startling him as he wrapped an arm around Susan's waist. Ah, that was it. Longbottom and Susan. Apparently, they were still a thing. That was who he had to worry about. Luna Lovegood joined them shortly after that, sending his thoughts haywire again. Luna and Draco…surely not? That…their children would be terrifying. All pale and ghost-like and pointy. No. Although…Lucius would dislike that almost as much as Harry. He frowned. Harry, who would be devastated. Perhaps he needed to pay more attention. He was almost positive Draco liked Harry….was Lovegood his beard? He wasn't old enough for a beard surely, both metaphorically and literally. He'd seen Draco's bum fluff. It was fucking hilarious.

Hermione turned abruptly, catching him frowning at them and sighed. "Hello Father." she greeted pointedly.

"Ah. Hello, my girl. Where are you heading first?"

She glowered at him, "Is there any point in telling you when you're going to follow us there anyway?"

"I'm…chaperoning!"

"Father, I know Professor McGonagall never puts you on the rota. She said it wasn't worth the number of students who cried."

He pouted, "It's hardly my fault they're coddled."

"Father," she growled.

"Hermione," he returned before continuing breezily, "I was merely ensuring you were following protocol."

"Liar," she muttered before taking Theo's hand and turning around. "If you follow us into the three broomsticks the butterbeer's are on you."

Cheeky little sod. That wasn't fair. He was merely keeping her safe. Where was his thanks for that? From anyone? No. No, of course not. He had to be being unreasonable. Like it was perfectly acceptable for a boy to be holding her hand. Looking at her like that. Unsupervised. He knew what went on in those alleyways. He'd been in them. Once. Or twice. His daughter wasn't going to be going in them at all. If nothing else it was fucking October and cold. He had no urge for Poppy to inform him she'd had to treat Hermione or Mr Nott for frostbite. Could frostbite kick in that quickly? He frowned. Maybe he could make the alleyways colder than everywhere else. Deter them. There were charms for that, weren't there? Although if Mr Nott got it…it would save him a lot of worries. Of course, it would mean Hermione had seen what he was hiding in his trousers and if that was happening, he'd be forced to remove it. He'd be doing him a favour really, saving him from frostbite. It was apparently painful. It was a public service really. The boy should thank him. He'd be sure to remind him of that, of course, should he ever be forced to...ah, help.

He watched as the children flitted about keeping an eye on Hermione and Harry, who appeared to be spending the day with Weasley. Damn. He really had meant to check that rat. He'd do it when he got back. He would. After the feast. And the carnage that was likely to be Annalise. Tomorrow. He'd definitely do it tomorrow. He'd need whiskey to get through tonight and he probably shouldn't run diagnostics on a rat while drunk. He might kill the thing and as happy as Thanatos would undoubtedly be, Hermione might be a bit miffed and it was best to avoid that where possible really.