Chapter 11: Her Monster, Her Anchor, and Her Mother's Heart
She doesn't go to school the next day. She refuses. After Kurt had left so abruptly, her mother had come in to check on her. She'd merely said they'd had a disagreement, so he left. She refused to elaborate. Her mother sighed and left. Over dinner, when her mom brought up school and Rachel expressed no interest in going, she'd gotten frustrated.
"Rachel, I told you already. I'm done letting you hide. I gave you time alone to deal with everything, but that's over."
"I'm not hiding. I just don't see the point in going on a Friday when I've already missed most of the week. Besides, didn't you push my treatment off to tomorrow? I can just go earlier in the day."
Her mom bit her lip and stared at her with a calculating gaze. Eventually she'd sighed and agreed. It was just her mom with her at treatment on Friday. Her mother works on writing lesson plans. Rachel takes the opportunity to really look at her mom while she's distracted. She compares the lines and tension on her face with how she looked when they first met. Rachel is startled to realize that her mom looks older now than she did just two years ago. Fear and guilt creep through her. This is her fault, too. She stresses her mom out too much. Worries her. What if the stress and worry become too much and she has a heart attack? What if she loses her mom? Tears sting her eyes and she twists the blanket over her lap into her fists. Warm hands cover hers. She looks up into green eyes.
"What's wrong, Rachel?"
Too much. She shakes her head.
"No. I told you, Rach. No more hiding. Tell me."
She thinks about it. Maybe she can word it in a way that reveals her fears without revealing her secret? Rachel takes a breath and looks around them. "Okay, but at home."
Her mom's eyes search hers. "Do you promise?"
Rachel nods. "I promise."
By the time they get home she is very nauseous. Her mom lets her go up to bed to rest instead of talking right away. She wakes up to find Yero had climbed into bed with her and is laying against her back. She rolls over and pets him for a while, digging her fingers into his soft fur. There's a knock on her door, then it opens. Finn pokes his head around the door. When he sees she's awake, he slowly walks in, his hands in his pockets.
"Hey."
Rachel pushes herself up. "Hi."
He hesitates, then joins her on the bed. "How are you?"
"The nausea is gone."
"That's good. And, uh," he scratches his head, "emotionally?" She shrugs. "I talked to Kurt. He was really upset."
She looks away. "I wasn't trying to upset him."
"I know. I'm just surprised that you told him he didn't know suffering. It might not be the same, but we all suffered, Rach."
"I know that. I wasn't trying to belittle his emotions. But he can't understand what it's like to deal with these attacks!" While also worrying about how the people around you are handling it.
"Just like you can't understand what it's like to watch someone you love go through these attacks."
He may have spoken calmly, but she still bristles. It's not the same. When she doesn't respond, he takes her hand.
"I'm here for you."
"I know, Finn."
"We're all here for you."
"I know." And she does. But at what cost?
"Look, I get that it's worse that you have Danton's. I'm upset, too. We're all upset. I get why you're, you know, more upset now than you were before." She frowns lightly. He goes on. "But I don't get why you're shutting us all out now. You talked about us being your gold. Kintsugi and all that. You said we make you stronger. You said you could face it because you knew we'd hold you together."
Rachel frowns harder, looking into his brown eyes. She doesn't understand what he's getting at. "Yeah. What about it?"
"Did you actually mean that? Or was it all just bullshit?"
"What? Of course I meant it!"
"Well you're not acting like it."
She pulls her hand out of his and leans away from him. "What?"
"If you actually believe that we make you stronger and hold you together, then you need to let us. You're not. You're hiding."
She stands, putting more distance between them. "I'm not hiding."
He raises an eyebrow at her. "Kinda looks like it. I mean, you haven't been to school, you haven't responded to anyone's text messages, you haven't let anyone come over, and you've just been staying in your room. If that's not hiding, what is it?"
"I'm….dealing. In my own way, in my own time. Is that allowed?"
"Yeah, of course. But you're not supposed to be shutting us out."
She takes a breath. "Finn, when I was first told I relapsed, I…I shut down. I spent the night silent. I was angry and scared and upset, but relieved I didn't have Danton's. Then Sue told me about Kintsugi and helped me find some perspective. With all that, and thinking that I didn't have Danton's, I was able to tell you guys and face it. And then I had the mild attack and…and…and it wiped away all of my hope and my strength to stay positive. I'm even more scared and more angry and more upset now."
"So tell people! Talk to us!"
Rachel groans and moves to sit at the bay window. "I couldn't! I didn't have the words!"
"Even with all your cool vocabulary?"
She huffs. "Even still. I wasn't…..I wasn't trying to hide from all of you. I was trying to hide from reality."
"So you were hiding."
"I guess. I think it'd be more accurate to say I was unable to face it, so I didn't face anything."
He joins her on the window seat. "But you're strong. You can face anything. And, you aren't facing it alone."
She presses her lips together. The little monster in her heart is threatening to fight its way out. She can't let it. Finn entwines their fingers.
"If there are times you don't feel like you can face it, or you just want to be silent for a while, that's fine. Just, like, don't do it alone."
"What do you mean?"
"Tell me. I'll come stay with you while you're silent and…..hiding or whatever you wanna call it. So that you're not alone. If not me, then one of the others. But I'd like it if you called me."
She looks into his eyes and doesn't see any hint of the insecurities that caused their brief breakup. He just wants to be the one she reaches for. He wants to hold her through this. She sees that. She shifts so that her legs rest on his lap.
"Okay. But what if I don't want to be touched?"
"Then I'll just sit in the room with you. I can even stay quiet, if you need me to."
"What if I say something stupid or selfish or mean? Like I did with Kurt?"
He smiles. "Then I'll tell you. And then I'll hold you or kiss you."
She plays with his fingers and debates whether to say what's on her mind. When she doesn't speak for a minute, he leans forward and brushes his lips against hers. Little tingles spread through her. She smiles slightly, a little relieved that she can still feel good things.
"Tell me. Whatever it is." He whispers.
"I don't want to go through that pain. I'm afraid of going through that again" Finn's face darkens solemnly and he nods. "But I…..I don't want anyone else to suffer either."
"You mean by watching you and helping you through it?"
She nods and swallows hard. "My mom is already really stressed and worried. If I get worse again….I just…I don't want her to go through what she did last time. And I don't want you or Kurt or Da—Uncle Burt to go through that again. It's not fair to you guys."
"It's not fair to you, either."
"No, I know. Trust me, I am well aware and in full agreement. It's not freaking fair."
"None of us want to suffer, Rach. And we really don't want you to suffer anymore. You might not."
"I have Danton's. And this is the second time around dealing with AA. My life expectancy dropped, Finn. Pretty significantly."
He flinches. "It's not a guarantee that you'll die. And you could still go into remission soon."
She nods hesitantly. "True. But what if I don't? What if it's like last time all over again? I can't handle that. I—" She snaps her mouth shut, catching the little monster with her teeth and preventing its escape.
"You can. We'll hold you. We'll carry you. We'll comfort you. You just have to let us."
"Finn," by now she's desperate to have someone understand how she's feeling, "have you really looked at yourself lately? At our friends? Especially compared to our classmates? We look older than them. Hardened, like soldiers back from war."
"We're not like wrinkled or anything." He smiles a little in amusement.
"No, we don't have wrinkles. But we do have something that makes us appear older. Maybe not older. Maybe just more mature."
Finn raises a skeptical eyebrow. "Even Puck?"
She smiles a bit. "We're still stupid teenagers. We're still driven by hormones and make stupid choices. But, yes, in a way, all of us, even Noah, are a little more mature than other kids our age. Not in all ways. But in some. Think about some of the things our classmates get upset about, then think about how we've been handling those same things."
"Isn't being more mature a good thing?"
"Usually, but you guys shouldn't have to be. Not from this. Not because of me."
"I'm still not seeing it as a bad thing, Rach. Hardened soldiers can handle battles and challenges better."
"Or crack from the stress off too many battles!"
He stares at her for several silent minutes. She feels odd under his stare. Not bad, but…exposed. He could always read her well. At the moment it feels like he's reading deeply into her soul. She waits, nervous but curious as to what he sees.
"Rachel, I know you. There's something else. Tell me."
Her lips tremble and her eyes fill with tears. She turns her head away, looking out the window. Finn cups her cheek and forces her to look at him again. He is lovingly demanding a response. She both loves and hates him for it.
"Can it stay between us?"
"Yeah, totally."
"I think my father had the right idea."
Finn stares at her silently for a minute. "You're gonna have to spell that one out for me."
A single tear escapes. Finn brushes it away. "He didn't suffer. And no one around him suffered. It was fast and peaceful. It wasn't…..drawn out, scary, or painful."
Finn's stare intensifies. Several emotions swirl behind his eyes. Slowly, he shakes his head no. Now that she started, she can't stop. The words come tumbling out, desperate to make her case.
"No one was worried or stressed out. No one had to watch. No one even knew until it was too late. And for him? He just…..fell asleep. No pain. No fear. No suffering. No guilt or indecision. Finn, that sounds ideal."
His eyes glimmer with unshed tears, but his expression is hard. When he speaks, his voice is low and rough. "You want to die?"
More tears slip down her cheeks. "No! Of course not." The little monster has grown too powerful for her. It escapes. "But I think I'd rather die than put myself and my loved ones through a long, drawn out battle that may or may not end with me dying anyway. It'd…..it'd be…..simpler…easier…..for everyone."
Finn's tears spill over. "No. Losing you, in any way, at any time, would be harder, scarier, and more painful than going through what we did last year again. I don't care if it takes three fucking years! If there is any chance of you surviving and getting to live, it's worth it to me."
"But—"
"No," He interrupts her furiously, "you don't get it! I don't want you to suffer! I'd do anything to keep you from suffering. Anything except lose you. You just don't realize how much I love you. How much we all love you. How much losing you would hurt so much more."
"More than watching me suffer for God knows how long?!" He's right, she doesn't understand. It doesn't make sense. If they love her that much, shouldn't they be willing to let her go so she's at peace? "Weren't you supportive of me letting go at the end last year?"
He flinches like he'd been slapped. "You have no idea how much it hurt and how scary it was to let you think that. And I only said it because I thought you were dying and it'd bring you a little peace to know I was supporting you. I didn't want to say or do anything to add more stress or hurt you more. So even though it fucking killed me to say it, I did it to make you feel better. I was trying to comfort you. But the truth is, it was the hardest conversation I ever had in my life. I went home and threw up and punched a hole in the wall."
Her heart is racing. "Finn—"
"Having you here with us keeps us calm. You have no idea how much happier and calmer everyone was when you got well enough to start coming back to school last spring. Seeing you at school, even as brief as it was for a while, was comforting to us. Because you were there. With us. The difference in how we felt and acted between the months you weren't in school to when you returned was freaking huge. We need you to stay with us. And we will do anything to keep you here. So let us."
She hadn't realized just how big an effect it'd had on them. "I didn't—-"
"No, you didn't. That was on purpose. We didn't want to add to your stress by making you realize how miserable we were at school without you. When I would come to school and I'd see you in the hall, I'd feel like I could breathe again. And it got better and better as you got better and better and were around more. Imagining you not being there again…..imagining spending the rest of my life knowing you're not there and that I'll never see you again…." The muscle in his jaw twitches and he swallows hard, "…..that is so fucking terrifying and painful. So I will be selfish and tell you that I'd rather you stay and suffer and fight so that I can have you here with me. And I am not the only one. I will suffer with you. I will do anything you want or need to keep you here and fighting. Anything."
His tone had started out harsh and angry. As he continued to talk and argue with her, trying to make her see reason, the heat of his passionate speech fizzled down to desperation and panic. Seeing the tears now cascading down his face cause her to cry harder, too. His words are squeezing her heart. He looks absolutely terrified and it hurts her to see. She caused this.
"Please, Rachel, please. I'll do anything. Just tell me you'll stay and fight. Please."
With that final plea, he drops his head and starts sobbing. She scoots onto his lap, wraps her arms around him, and pulls him close. He buries his face in her neck and holds her tight. As he weeps, she realizes this is probably two years of pent up emotion breaking free. The entire time she was sick before, he stayed calm and steady, always acting relaxed and confident that she'd be fine. His easy going demeanor had helped her stay calm. He was her balance and her rock. She'd known he was suffering. He'd broken down a few times, but not like this. Never before like this. Now, he is baring his heart and soul to her. Everything he'd kept pushed down for her sake is being released. Her admittance of contemplating suicide (she doesn't feel that word is right, but can't think of another way to describe it) so that she doesn't have to risk suffering was the one thing he could not handle. It broke him. She broke him. And now, she will do anything to put him back together. Anything. Even suffer months or years of Danton's AA.
"Okay. Alright. I promise, Finn. I'll stay and fight. I promise. I promise. I promise."
She looks up when her door is pushed open more. Her mother and Scott stand there with worried looks. She waves them away. This is not something she wants them to be privy to. They hesitate. She waves her hand more firmly, then jabs her finger towards the stairs. They put their hands up and back away. Yero presses himself against Finn's side. Rachel runs her fingers through his hair soothingly, gently massaging his scalp. It takes a while for his sobs to calm and his tears to run their course. He sits up and tiredly leans back against the wall. She takes his hand and plays with his fingers. They sit silently for several minutes.
"You really promise? Or are you just saying that?"
Rachel twists his promise ring. "I really promise. I was being selfish."
He stares at her. "Sort of. You were being selfish wanting to avoid suffering. But half of your reason was to prevent us from suffering. So you were being, like, half selfish. And half…selfless. I guess they cancel out."
"But you made me realize how wrong I was."
He smiles slightly, both hopeful and worried. "Did I really?"
"You did. I was just thinking about how hard it'll be for you guys to watch me go through this again. I wasn't thinking that it might be worse for you without me. Thinking that seemed…arrogant."
"But true. We'd suffer more without you."
"I'm realizing that."
He looks at her desperately. "So you'll stay? And fight?"
"I'll stay and fight. I swear." She grins weakly. "I still don't want to suffer, but…..it'll be worth going through to get to marry you one day."
She holds up her right hand, the ring to him. He stares at it for a moment before his gaze slides to her eyes. He kisses her then. They've kissed many times before. But this time, this kiss, feels different. Deeper. More important. It feels like a promise. He is anchoring her here yet again. He pulls back.
"What do you need to keep that promise?"
"You." She kisses him again. "My anchor. Just stay with me."
"Always."
She pulls back and gives him a slight grin. "And know that I may be a selfish bitch at times when I'm miserable and pissed off about everything."
He nods seriously. "Okay. Bring it on."
She giggles quietly and his lips curve up. She catches his lips with her own. They make out pretty heavily for a while. Rachel is surprised that they're not interrupted. Eventually they slow down. Rachel turns so she's leaning back against him and they're both looking out the window at the darkening sky. He rests his cheek against hers.
"So I kind of messed up." He admits quietly.
She frowns. "What do you mean?"
"When I promised this would stay between us, I wasn't thinking you were going to admit….that. That's not something I can keep quiet about, Rachel."
She spins around in alarm. "What? But you can't—"
He kisses her, interrupting her argument. "I have to. But, I'll only tell your Mom."
Her Mom. Her heart sinks. He's right and she knows it. "No. I'll tell her." The way he looks at her makes her roll her eyes. "I swear. I'll tell her tonight. You can even ask her tomorrow."
"Do you want me to stay while you tell her?"
She gives him a quick kiss. "No. In fact, I'm going to ask Scott to leave, too. I think this should be just between me and Mom."
Finn washes his face in the bathroom and they head downstairs. Her Mom and Scott are waiting. The adults point to the loveseat and the teens sit.
"Alright, you two. We need to know what's going on." Her Mom says firmly.
Finn takes Rachel's hand in silent support. This wasn't how she intended to start this conversation. "I admitted something to Finn that….upset him."
The adults sit up straighter, but are doing their best to hide their obvious alarm.
"And what was that?" Scott asks.
"That maybe my father had the right idea. A quick, painless death." For the rest of her life, Rachel will never forget the look on her mother's face in this moment. She hurries to go on, wanting to reassure her. "Finn pointed out how wrong I was. That I was looking at it backwards. I thought that a fast death would be less painful and less stressful for all of you, too. He made it very clear that losing me would be worse than watching me suffer. So I swore to him that I'll stay and fight no matter what. Kintsugi."
Finn nods. "She promised. And I believe her. But it really hurt to hear and to imagine. And then, just thinking about it and thinking about everything last year, I just…..snapped."
Rachel squeezes his hand. Scott is looking between the three of them warily. Her mother hasn't moved or spoken. She's still staring at Rachel unblinkingly. Scott sighs and looks to Finn.
"Alright, son. I know it's getting late, but do you wanna hit the gym? I can take you to my work. I can run you through some sets and wear you out before taking you home."
Rachel is glad Finn is getting a safe outlet for his emotions and that he won't be driving. Scott is pretty awesome. Finn nods. "Yeah, man. I'd appreciate it. Thanks."
"Alright. Grab your coat and you can call your mother on the way."
The men stand. Finn turns back to her and bends to kiss her. She catches his shirt and pulls him back down for another kiss.
"I love you."
Finally, for the first time in hours, he truly smiles again. "I love you, too."
They walk out, leaving mother and daughter sitting in silence. Rachel finds it unnerving and wonders if this is how she made her mom feel for the last couple days. She bites her lip.
"This is what I wanted to talk to you about tonight, Mom. I….I remember how hard it was last time. Not just for me, but for you and for everyone else. I don't want to go through it again. I don't want you to have to go through it again. So, I…..for a couple days, I've been thinking…that it'd be better…..for everyone….if…..if I just….ended things. Quickly and suddenly. No long, drawn out battle. And, I thought, it'd mean less suffering for everyone. Finn made it clear that I was wrong about that. So I won't."
Her mother is a marble statue. Stark white and unmoving. No, not marble. Porcelain. Or something just as fragile. She looks like a statue, but she also looks like the slightest pressure would shatter her. Kintsugi. Rachel hopes she can be her mom's gold and hold her together. She goes to her mother. As soon as she's close enough, her mother's arms suddenly move, grabbing her and tugging her down onto her lap. She is held painfully tight. Rachel holds her back just as tight. For half an hour, they stay like that, with her mom crying and shaking lightly and Rachel trying to comfort her, but knowing it's her own fault. Eventually, her mom pulls back to reveal a tear stained face. There's a lingering fear in her eyes that has Rachel squirming in guilt. She was trying to alleviate her fear, not add to it!
"Answer me honestly, Rachel. Have you tried yet?"
"No."
"Were you going to soon?"
"No. It was only something I was considering if I don't go into remission soon."
Her mom flinches. "How?"
Rachel shrugs lightly. "I hadn't gotten that far. I wasn't actually planning anything. Just…wondering. Honestly, the idea of actually doing it kind of horrified me, so imagining how was even worse. I couldn't think of that."
"Do I need to hide sharp objects?"
The nervous tone tells Rachel that her mom is already planning on hiding things, regardless of how Rachel answers. "No, Mom. I promise. Talking it over with Finn was enough to disillusion me. And like I said, I was planning on talking to you about it tonight."
"You were going to tell me you were contemplating suicide?"
"Not in those exact words." She admits, uncomfortable with the word 'suicide'. It doesn't feel like it fits her intentions.
"Then how, Rachel?" Her tone is sharp.
"I—I was…" she twists her mom's shirt, "I was going to tell you that I'm scared. Not just for me having to go through this, but everyone else, too. I'm worried about how hard it'll get. For all of us. What if it's too much?"
"Too much for you?"
Tears clog her throat. "For me. For you. For anyone. What if the stress is too much and….like…."
"Rachel," Her mom rubs her back soothingly, "just say whatever it is. It's okay."
"What if it's not okay? What if you're not okay? You're already stressed and it only just started. What if….."
"Honey, I am not walking away from you. I am not leaving you."
"Maybe not willingly or intentionally." Rachel mumbles.
"What? What do you mean?"
"People get sick from too much stress. Sometimes serious stuff, like…heart attacks and strokes and the like."
Her mom breathes out slowly and runs her fingers through her hair. "You're worried I'm going to have a heart attack? Like your Daddy did?"
Rachel nods, a tear slipping down her cheek. Her mom dries the tear and kisses her forehead. "Honey, I don't know why your Daddy had a heart attack. But I promise you, I am healthy. Physically and emotionally. I eat a well balanced diet, I exercise, I limit my alcohol intake, I don't do any drugs, and I go to my doctor for regular check ups. Emotionally, I speak to my own therapist. I talk to Aunt Kelly and Nana and others. I lean on Scott. I sing. I hold you. That's very comforting for me." She emphasizes this by hugging her tight. "You don't need to worry about me, okay? At all. I'm fine. And I promise you I'll be a lot better if you start talking to me more. Even arguing with me. Just so I know where your head is. It….it really worries me that I had no idea you were contemplating suicide."
"Not really. I'm not suicidal. Not like 'I want to die' or anything."
"No, I know. You were hoping to avoid suffering for yourself and for the people you love. A kind gesture in theory, but very, very wrong." She kisses her temple and gently slides Rachel off of her. She takes her hands and looks her in the eye. "So let's talk more. What's the most pressing thing for you right now? What was stopping you from talking for days?"
"I'm scared. And I didn't think anyone really understood just how deeply that fear goes. I didn't even feel like I had the words to explain it, so how could anyone else understand it?"
"Are you more scared now than you were last time you were sick?" Rachel nods. "Why?"
"Because…..because last time, aplastic anemia was an unknown. It was like opening a door I'd never seen before and finding a pitch black room. I was scared and I had no idea what to expect. So I was stumbling around blindly, moving carefully with my hands out, not knowing what I'd find in that room. I kept bumping into things, falling, and getting hurt. Everything was unknown and in the dark and scary. This time is different. This time is worse, because I know exactly what I'll find on the other side of that door. I know everything in that room and I know how bad it can get. I know the pain and the fear. I know how awful I can end up feeling. And I don't want to do it. But I've been shoved into that room against my will and the door is locked. I don't know how long I'll be forced to be in there or which exit I'll be getting this time. Remission again? Or death? So I thought…..I'd speed it up. I thought that'd be less scary and less stressful for everyone."
Green eyes fill with tears. "But you understand how wrong you were about that thought, right? That would not be less scary or less stressful for me. That would hurt my heart so much more."
"Yeah, I get it now. I promise." After everything her wonderful mother has done for her, all the love she's given her, Rachel will do anything to not hurt her mom's heart. If that means dealing with physical pain, then so be it.
"I need you to promise that if you start thinking it again, you let me know immediately. Immediately. No hesitating to tell me."
She looks steadily into her mother's eyes. "I promise."
Her mom releases a breath. "Good. What do you need, Rachel?"
Rachel chuckles slightly, but swallows it down at the look on her mom's face. "Sorry. Finn already asked me that. I told him that if he wants me to stick around he's going to have to put up with me being a selfish bi—um, witch when I get upset about everything. He said 'bring it'."
"Good. I'd rather you be b—witchy and whiny than…..than…."
"I know. Not that I'm going to try to be a whiny witch, but—"
"But it's fine if you are. I understand. We can take it." Her mom looks at her carefully and brushes her hair back. "Honey, are you sure those were your only reasons for wanting to end things quickly? Do you want to die?"
"No, I don't want to die, Mom. I swear. I just…..briefly…..thought it'd be preferable to suffering for an unknown length of time and making the people I love suffer with me. I want to live. Like I told Finn, I want to marry him one day. And get on Broadway."
Her mother's expression finally relaxes and becomes curious. "What else?"
Rachel frowns. "What do you mean?"
"What else do you want to do? You should have a list of things you want to do in the future."
"Like what?"
"Like…..a trip somewhere."
Something niggles in the back of Rachel's mind. A hazy memory. "A trip?"
"Do you want to visit Paris or Hawaii or something?"
Paris. "A bucket list."
"Right, like a bucket list."
Rachel smiles. "Kurt and I came up with our bucket lists when we were twelve. And I've already done everything on mine! Sort of."
Her mother looks torn between being happy for her and being nervous she no longer has anything on her list. "So you need a new list."
Rachel sighs. "There are some little things. Like, little as in 'not important' things that would be nice to do. I want to see the Grand Canyon. Kurt mentioned wanting to go to Paris and sip a latte near the Eiffel Tower. I'd like to do that with him. Things like that."
"That sounds nice. I'd like you to write down this list. Big things and little things. And I'd like to hear about the things on your old list that you already accomplished."
Rachel smiles. "Okay. I think I have a video of my list somewhere. I'll find it and show you."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rachel fell asleep in her mom's bed while snuggling with her. She'd figured she wouldn't be allowed to sleep on her own after admitting to sort of being suicidal and she was right. She's worried that those who know will treat her different now. She wasn't looking to "give up" or anything like that. Well, not exactly. She stands by her belief that she's not suicidal. She just wanted a way to prevent herself and her loved ones from suffering and thought that was the only surefire way. The look on her mom's face told her she still disagrees. They'd briefly argued about whether it counts as being suicidal before agreeing to two things; first, that it's a moot point because Rachel doesn't want to die and won't be going through with it, and second, they'd leave it up to Renee to decide if it counts. Rachel wasn't surprised to hear she'd be having another emergency session with the woman. She kind of expected it and she doesn't mind. In fact, now that her mom knows and she doesn't have to worry about Renee telling her, Rachel has some things she wants to discuss with her on a related topic. She may have spent the past couple days silent, unable to find the words to express her feelings, but that doesn't mean she wasn't able to think of anything. She did a lot of thinking. And now she feels like she can talk.
Renee sits across from her, her notebook on her lap and pen in hand. She's eyeing Rachel carefully. They've already discussed the thought process that led Rachel to think about euthanasia. That's the word Rachel had been looking for. Assisted suicide for people who are terminally ill or near death. She's not terminal, but that's still the term Renee and Rachel settled on using instead of suicide. Euthanasia. Even when Rachel was considering suicide, it wouldn't have been until she was getting worse, so euthanasia fits better. Even Renee agreed with Rachel that, technically, her emotional state and reasoning were not classically "suicidal". Especially since Rachel admitted to the woman that she wasn't sure she'd actually be able to go through with it. The therapist still made it clear that if Rachel died by her own hand, regardless of the reasons or her mental/emotional state, it would still be considered suicide. She also made sure Rachel has her personal number so she can call her at any time if she starts leaning that way. Rachel knows she won't. She won't be ending her life and she won't be calling Renee. If, for some reason, she cracks and does start leaning that way (which she highly doubts), then she'll reach for a loved on. Her mom. Finn. Kurt. Her dad. Or any of her family, really.
"So what I need is to be stronger. For them. After my father died, I started thinking about how selfish I'd been. I can't be selfish. I can't risk my selfishness leading to someone else dying."
"That wasn't your fault, Rachel. We've discussed this." Renee reminds her sternly.
Rachel shrugs. "We have, but I'm not 100% convinced. But that doesn't matter right now. What matters is that I can't be selfish anymore. I need to be stronger, physically and emotionally, for them."
"For your friends and family?"
"You can just say 'family'. My friends are my family, after all."
Renee smiles. "As you've said before. And while I'm happy about that, I feel it is still important to specify that there is a difference. I'm not dismissing their importance to you. They are your family. But for our purposes, in here, I need to refer to them as your friends. Okay?"
"Fine. So, yes. I need to be stronger for them."
"What about for you?"
Startled, she sits up straighter. "What do you mean?"
"Don't you want to be stronger for yourself?"
Rachel blinks. "I guess. Yeah."
"It goes both ways. You want to be stronger for them, but you also realize that they can be strong for you when you struggle."
She nods. "I just need to let them. I know."
"Will you still let them be strong for you, while you're working to be stronger for them?"
"Yes." She'll try her best.
"Okay, then. I can help you feel stronger. But Rachel, no one will die if you're selfish."
She looks away. "Maybe not die. Maybe just…..worry more. I don't know. But they'll be happier and less stressed if I can handle this better, right?"
Renee gives her a calculating look. "I suppose. But Rachel, none of them blame you or hold you responsible. They all want to be there to support you. They accept that that means there will be stress."
Rachel huffs and starts unconsciously picking at the hem of her shirt. "I know that. But if I'm stronger, then they don't have to be as strong. They don't have to worry as much. At the very least, I don't want my mom or da— Uncle Burt to suffer as much. If I'm less stressed and I'm more relaxed and confident, then they won't worry as much, right?"
"They're still going to worry, Rachel. They're parents. It's what they do."
"But not as much."
Renee sets her notebook aside and leans forward slightly. "Rachel. Listen to me. It is not your responsibility. You are not responsible for your parent's health; physically, mentally, or emotionally."
Rachel is wringing her shirt in her hands. "Daddy had a heart attack and died. I don't know if it was caused by stress or something else. Mom already had cancer when she was younger. I know that area was removed, so it's extremely unlikely it'll come back and she gets regular check ups to make sure. But it's still serious and stress may not cause cancer, but it doesn't help it, right? My grandparents are getting old. I don't want to add any strain to their hearts. Uncle Burt was told he needs to start eating better because he was at risk for a heart attack. He's been eating better and exercising more, but stress can exasperate it. I can't be the reason—"
She cuts herself off. Renee looks at her knowingly. "If Burt has a heart attack, you won't be the reason. You already said you know it's because he wasn't eating well. You also told me that he's doing what he needs to do to get healthy. It's not on you."
"But stress—"
"Is a part of life. And a big part of a parent's life. Rachel, I will help you feel stronger for you. For your sake. Anyone in your life who benefits from it is just a bonus. You need to be stronger for you. Not for them."
"Okay." Rachel bites her lip, still twisting the shirt. It's not exactly what she wanted, but as long as she's getting help being stronger it doesn't matter why, right? As long as she's handling things better, they won't be as worried and stressed. They'll be happier. Healthier. And that's what she needs.
It doesn't occur to her that that's exactly what they want for her, too.
XxxxxxxxxxX
A/N: If you really want to heighten the drama, go back and reread her talk with Finn while listening to "One Last Breath" (cinematic Creed cover) by Tommee Profitt, then "Without You" extended version by Ursine Vulpine and "Other Side" by Ruelle.