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Rey ran her hand along the tops of the wheat stalks she had grown. They were beautiful and golden and they seemed to shimmer in the breeze. They would find a way to make bread when Ren woke up. They couldn't live on plain vegetables and fruit forever.
Not that they would be in Mortis forever. One way or another, they would be leaving.
Rey sighed and sat down in the field, still feeling somewhat drained. She looked over at the mountain, the crack visible even from where she was sitting. It snaked its way down the mountainside and into the valley, like the cut on Kylo Ren's face, and there was nothing she could do about it except hope they found balance before Ren's Darkness destroyed everything.
Luckily, he'd been asleep for over four hours - longer than he'd ever slept at once since they'd arrived. And she hadn't even had to use the Force. He'd fallen asleep almost instantly to Rey's surprise. Perhaps, his exhaustion had finally caught up with him.
As if it had sensed her optimism and decided to ruin it, the Force darkened suddenly. Rey froze, looking back in the direction of the ship. She had promised to wake him up if he had a nightmare but she hesitated. He needed sleep. Feeling torn, Rey climbed to her feet and walked back in the direction of the ship. She felt the darkness intensify as she approached it and she sped up the pace, nearly running up the stairs.
She entered the room to find Ren twisted up in the thin sheet she had laid over him, his eyebrows knitting together as if he were in pain.
"No." He muttered, turning over in the bed. "No."
Rey approached him cautiously, feeling the intensity of his pain double. "I didn't-" He mumbled. "I-"
"No, please-" Ren said, his voice becoming louder and more desperate. "I didn't mean to-"
"Dad, I..." Ren said, and Rey lost all desire to let him sleep.
"Ben." She said, quietly, walking over to him.
He turned over, his head beginning to shake. "No!" He cried, tears falling from his eyes. "No, I'm sorry! I-"
"Ben, hey!" Rey cried, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Wake up!"
Ren awoke with a start, inhaling sharply as he jolted upright and instinctively pulled away from her.
"It's okay!" Rey cried, touching his bent knees. "Hey, it's just me."
Ren's eyes focused on her, wide and horrified. He was shaking, a thin layer of sweat covering his forehead. Slowly regaining his orientation, Ren quickly wiped away the tears that had fallen.
"I feel like I'm going to be sick." Ren said and Rey jumped up, making room in case he threw up.
Ren ran a shaky hand over his face, staring at the mattress. Rey stared at him, feeling helpless. She didn't know how to help him. Not when she knew what he had been dreaming about.
Slowly, Ren's breathing began to slow down and Rey cautiously sat back down next to him.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Rey asked.
"No." Ren said quickly.
"Do you want me to leave?" Rey asked.
"No." Ren repeated, quieter this time.
Slowly, Rey wrapped an arm around him, leaning in to him until her head rested on his shoulder. She felt him tense, as he always did, but after a moment he melted into her, resting his head on hers. Rey felt her heart flutter at the intimacy. But the comfort of it was overshadowed by the grief and crushing guilt she could feel from Ren through the Force. Rey squeezed her eyes shut, overwhelmed by the depth of his pain. How could anyone live like this? In such constant misery? Perhaps, he had been like this so long he had forgotten any other way of being. Maybe he really was, as he'd told her before, used to it.
"Do you hate me for it?" Ren asked, after a while, so quietly Rey almost didn't hear.
She pulled back to look at him, her eyebrows knitting together. "What?"
Ren looked at her, his dark eyes filled with emotion. "Do you hate me for killing Han Solo?" He asked and Rey felt her stomach flip.
She looked away, the old wound of having Han ripped away from her just when she had begun to think of him as a mentor stinging. Her grief was nothing compared to what she knew Ren felt...but it was there.
Did she hate him for it? There had been a time when the answer had clearly been yes. But the more time she spent around him - the more she felt the intensity of his own grief and guilt over the act he had committed - the harder it became to hold onto any hatred towards him.
"No." Rey said, after a moment. "No, not anymore."
"Why not?" Ren asked.
Rey hesitated, unsure he would like the answer. "Ben, I can feel everything you feel. It's hard to hate someone when you can feel how much they regret their actions."
Ren's mouth twitched. "I shouldn't regret it." He said. "I shouldn't feel anything."
"Is that really who you want to be?" Rey asked, shaking her head. "Someone so heartless they can murder their own father in cold blood?"
Ren made no reply and Rey let out a sigh of frustration. "Why, Ben?" She asked. "Why do you want to be like that?"
"Because it's the only way to make the pain go away." Ren said, and Rey felt her heart break. She stared at him, overwhelmed by sadness for the broken man in front of her. A man who had killed his own father in a desperate attempt to numb himself to the pain inside his own heart.
"Ben..." Rey said, taking his hands in hers. "There are other ways to make the pain go away."
Ren shook his head, his eyes looking bright. "No, Rey. It's too late. I've gone too far."
Rey opened her mouth to say it wasn't too late and then closed it again, realizing that perhaps she would have more luck if she ditched the rhetoric of Light of Dark. Ren was afraid of the idea of the Light Side and would shut down any mention of it. But he was drawn to it, sometimes without even realizing it. If she strengthened his connection to it without him realizing that was what she was doing...maybe she could show him it wasn't too late.
Rey squeezed his hands. "You can talk to me." She said, and Ren frowned in confusion. "When you feel upset, you can talk to me. Together, we can make the pain go away."
Ren swallowed thickly. "Together?" He asked and Rey felt her heart break.
She nodded. "We're a dyad." She said. "We're supposed to help each other."
A flash of pain passed behind Ren's eyes and he pulled his hands out of hers. "I thought you didn't want to be a dyad."
Rey flinched. "I don't want to be an unbalanced dyad. I don't want us to fight each other all the time. This isn't how it's supposed to be."
She paused for a moment and Ren stared at her, looking lost and confused. "I want us to be happy." She said.
Ren frowned. "Rey, I've never been happy."
"That can't be true." Rey said, shaking her head. "You had a good childhood-"
"Says who?" Ren snapped.
"You had parents who loved you." Rey said. "You had a roof over your head. You had enough to eat. I would have done anything for a life like that."
"My parents sent me away." Ren said, resentfully. "And even before they did, they were never there. I think they regretted having a child."
"They didn't." Rey said firmly.
"How could you possibly know that?" Ren asked.
Rey shook her head. "Why are you so determined to believe they never wanted you?"
"Because it's true." Ren snapped. "Maybe they cared about me because I was their son but that doesn't mean anything. It's hard for a parent to not care about their children. That doesn't mean they wanted me. I mean you, of all people, should understand, Rey. You say you care about me because we're connected by the Force but you don't want to be connected to me."
"Okay, slow down." Rey said. "You're making all kinds of assumptions. I wasn't there when you were a child, sure. So maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But I know what I saw and I know what I felt. And what I saw on the bridge the day Han died was a man who loved his son more than anything. There was nothing you could do that would ever change that. I mean, Ben, you killed him and he touched your face. He didn't even feel angry. He was just sad-"
"That's not the point-" Ren ground out, his hands starting to shake.
"Then what is!?" Rey cried. "What more do you want? He loved you unconditionally until the very end. And I have spent the past year with your mother and I know she still loves you just as much as ever. I can feel it. What else are you looking for?"
"I wanted them to be proud of me." Ren blurted out, immediately looking like he regretted saying it.
Rey stared at him, something clicking. Of course, this was his problem. His need for external validation...for someone to tell him he wasn't as terrible as he believed he was. This was why he had gone to Snoke. Because Snoke had promised him the kind of praise that his own family wouldn't give him. And the Dark Side had promised him power that would make him feel like he mattered; like he was someone important.
"Not that I care anymore." He added, something in his voice making Rey doubt the truthfulness of this statement.
"Really, Ben?" Rey said. "You don't care anymore?"
"I don't." He ground out, unconvincingly.
"Are you proud of yourself?" Rey asked.
Ren tensed. "What kind of question is this, Rey?"
"Just answer it." Rey said, and Ren scoffed, looking away.
"Is it lunchtime?" He asked, glancing at the window. "It seems like it's the middle of the day."
Rey raised an eyebrow. "Wow, that wasn't even subtle." She said.
"What wasn't?" Ren asked, an edge to his voice.
"Your attempt to evade the question I just asked you." Rey said.
"What, I can't ask a simple question?" Ren snapped. "Do you really need to read into everything I say?"
Rey rolled her eyes, deciding to let it slide. They sat in silence for a moment and Rey realized this was the end of their conversation. She had gotten too close to dangerous territory and he had shut down.
She stood up and looked back down at Ren, who was still staring at the bed with a scowl on his face. Rey held out a hand. "Well you want to eat lunch or what?" She asked.
Ren looked at her hand and then slowly reached out to take it. He stood up, their fingers interlocking. Rey wasn't sure when they had become the kind of people who held hands but there was something about holding his hand that gave her a sense of comfort and she knew he felt the same. Perhaps, Rey thought, it had something to do with having spent the vast majority of her life alone on a desert planet. Or perhaps, it had something to do with their connection. Either way, Rey wasn't going to think too deeply about it.