hi! this is the first chapter written exclusively this year - hopefully it's up to par with the previous chapters. i did something different with the format so please excuse how short it is ^^;

?/?/?

I woke up for the first time today.

In a bedroom. There were two girls there. One of them had bright pink hair…

Evidently they had been waiting for me to wake up. They made it seem important. They asked me questions.

They should have been basic questions. What was my name, what were my pronouns, how did I get here… Et cetera.

I couldn't answer them. I still can't. I simply don't remember.

For some reason, they had thought my name was "Mariko". It sounds vaguely familiar, but… I don't think it's my name.

The two girls seemed disappointed, but they made an effort to accommodate me. Two more girls showed up, at some point, with a guy. One of the girls had dark purple hair. I suppose technicolor hair is common around here…

…Come to think of it, all of these people are vaguely familiar, too…

I can't place why that is. Maybe when I am allowed to leave this room, it will click for me.

As of now, I am being kept here. They say it is to keep me safe. If they're right about me passing out before, I am inclined to believe them. I keep drifting in and out of sleep, and I can't seem to focus on anything when I am awake.

I know I am having dreams, but… they slip away when I wake up.

The one with brown hair gave me this notebook. Writing in it helps pass the time, I suppose. Not that it passes slowly anyway.

Hopefully my dream tonight is a good one.

Unknown date + 1

It was raining when I woke up this morning. Quite hard, actually. Enough so that I forgot to document whatever dreams passed through my head last night…

I can't tell, but I think I slept through the whole night. I do feel a little better…

Scratch that. I just attempted to sit up and felt awful again.

Maybe they're right. I just need to rest.

Just…

U.d. + 2

The pink-haired one is Natsuki.

I don't think I'll yet forget that. She seems insistent on me remembering who she is. It seems important to her.

Then again, it doesn't seem as if I can hold onto basic information anyway, if my amnesia has anything to say about it. After three days, I still have not remembered a single thing. I think my dreams are getting worse, too. I woke up this morning in a cold sweat, hyperventilating. It feels as if I have a fever now, or something. I certainly wish that were all that is wrong with me.

.

She's insistent on me remembering that, too.

This is frustrating.

27 May 20?

The girl who gave me this notebook managed to figure out the date, though it seems the year is still a bit ambiguous. It's good to know I am not the only one missing basic information like this.

I recognized the month's name, too! Maybe I'll remember my own name soon enough.

I have fragments of my dream from last night, but I do not think they mean anything. I was in the dark, and I walked, and I was near a shadowy figure nailed to a cross.

The air smelled off, in the dream. It still does, now that I'm awake.

Yet, they continue to keep me here.

Fate is a cruel mistress.

28 May

Natsuki has been spending time with the purple-haired girl. It seems as if they are getting along well, judging by how upbeat they were when they woke me up today. That's different from what I am used to so far. Usually it just seems like they are trying to hide their feelings.

I wonder what everyone is so reluctant to talk about.

29 May

I dreamt of something horrible last night.

I was walking up a flight of stairs, and I hesitated before pushing open a bedroom door.

I saw her hanging from the ceiling.

The image is seared into my mind. It does not help that the room looked identical to this one, and so did the bed.

I keep expecting to see her corpse whenever I look away from the wall closest to me.

The air has continued to smell off. I wish someone else would notice and try to fix it. It is driving me mad. I feel a distinct and urgent need to leave.

.

It is five in the morning. I cannot get back to sleep. I keep seeing her whenever I close my eyes.

Yet, I cannot remember her name for the life of me. I know it began with an S, but that's it.

I suppose I am awful with names.

In a way, I wish she were here. I cannot help but worry about her, the images are so vivid. It would be nice to know she is okay.

That would make one of us.

29 May, afternoon

It seems I was able to sleep.

She says her name is Sayori. I apologized for forgetting it. All of them introduced themselves on my first day, but it was a lot to take in at once. She tells me it's okay I forgot. Says she struggles with memory, too.

This is the first time I have actually seen her since waking up. The others have checked in on me occasionally, but she is the first to stick around. She says it's because this is actually her bedroom, but I can tell she is hiding other feelings, though I am not sure what they are.

I thought I would be afraid to see her, but the dream does not haunt me when she is around. Actually, since she left, it has been on my mind less in general. That line of thinking has been replaced with… just her. How she is normally. Her demeanor.

It is yet another familiarity, but I think I know where this one comes from. I think I know what it is like to be burdened with knowledge. I don't know if I'm right, but I want to talk to her again.

…For more reasons than that.

30 May

I dreamt of her again. Thankfully, it was a nice dream this time.

…I do not remember the details.

.

Well, I do. But I would rather not record them.

.

She came to see me again. I did not request that of her yesterday, so it was a pleasant surprise.

I did not intend to pry, but it sort of… slipped out.

She told me it was big and complicated, and that she had agreed with the other three to wait until I was feeling better to fill me in. As always, something else dances on her lips, but she just won't say it…

I do think my state is improving. I sat up on the bed today rather than laying down, talking to her. I still have a light headache and get slightly dizzy if I stand up for too long, but otherwise I am doing okay.

I told her as much, but she seemed concerned. It isn't about that, she said. When I asked her what it was about, she sighed and wouldn't say anything for a few moments.

Eventually, she put on her smile and said it was nothing. She didn't want to pry, she said. She repeated the line about it being complicated.

She did not stay for much longer than that.

.

Sayori…

31 May

I tried to leave the room today.

It took me a while to convince myself to do it. When I went to the door, I hesitated. It felt like I was standing there for hours. The door was… ominous, in a way.

Which is strange to think about. It's just a door, anyway. Why should I start fearing it?

Especially when I've started to notice the tugging at the edges of my consciousness. Since I've been feeling better, it's been clearer. I don't need to get out of here, but… something is out there.

There was no other sound, so me turning the knob felt incredibly loud.

.

When I pushed it open, my fears were confirmed.

This was the same house from that dream.

Did my vision mean something…?

I stepped slowly down into the lower area. Each step creaked.

I had just been standing at the foot of the stairs when the purple-haired girl - Yuri, I think her name is - opened the door. Initially, she'd been about to call up the stairs to me, but she jumped when she saw me.

What was I doing out of bed, she asked me. Well, it's probably better to just transcribe the conversation directly, given I seem to remember it well.

"Just, erm… looking for the bathroom…?" was all I could come up with.

Initially Yuri closed her eyes and shook her head. "You don't need–"

Then her eyes widened and she covered her mouth. "Sorry, I– I…"

Then she lowered her head again and she sighed. "Fine. It's time you were told, anyway."

I distinctly recall thinking to myself that it was strange this excuse held no water. I live here, for the time being, no?

Well, I'll cut to the chase. She sat me down on the couch and filled me in on the secret.

Apparently, this world is a false one. Or so they seem to think. I am not convinced.

It does seem to make some amount of sense, though. Why haven't I needed the restroom for the past week? Especially when I've been feeling off?

…Why are my memories missing?

She told me I'd need to talk to Sayori to learn more. Evidently she is not exactly knowledgeable on the subject.

.

I hope I'll be able to sleep well tonight.

1 June

Sayori is here. I will update the journal when I return.

1 June, afternoon

Well.

There is a lot to document.

For starters, I… understand why they were keeping this from me. There is quite a lot of graphic content in these memories, and…

.

I'm getting ahead of myself.

Sayori came over today.

I was glad to see her, but she was hardened and standoffish. Was she alright, I asked her.

She said she was very stressed.

I'm glad she's being honest now, at least.

"So, what did Yuri tell you?" she asked me.

"She said this isn't the 'real' world, but I don't think I fully understand what that means. Besides that… nothing, really. Though I noticed I haven't needed the bathroom for an entire week. Any reason for that?"

She sighed, and would not meet my gaze for a moment.

Eventually she began speaking, but rather than launching into an explanation, she simply asked me to brace myself. Then she took my face in her hands, with her fingers splayed out.

I tried to ask what she was doing, but I was interrupted.

A tidal wave of intense emotion and awful memories hit me so hard I literally fell to the floor, crying out. There was something else there as well - a feeling of incredible power - but it was gone in an instant.

Sayori quickly reacted, getting on her hands and knees beside me and asking if I was alright. She hadn't expected me to fall over.

I could not answer her.

It felt like a while we were like that, me on the floor and her not taking her eyes off me. Finally, I was able to speak.

"Get me back upstairs… Please…" I breathed.

She took my body in her arms and deposited me into the familiar cradle of the bed.

I thanked her and told her I would need some time to process this. She nodded and left.

That was about a half hour ago.

I've just been laying here, not thinking at all. I dare not. I'm deathly afraid.

I don't want to return to those memories again.

.

I can't.

1 June, evening

I can't write poetry, but I doubt it would even begin to help.

Do they live with this on their minds every day?

These memories, they're burning into my very consciousness. They feel fresh, as if they've just happened.

Manipulation, torture, death, suffering. All of this.

All for naught.

All in service of a goal she didn't even truly want.

.

I can still feel the rope around my neck. That neck, but a different one, cracking. The fresh stab wounds. The smell of vomit, and blood. The loss of my own willpower.

.

Which reminds me. Why am I still unable to remember…?

Why am I here?

Why did the other girls think I knew more than they did?

The questions they asked that day are a bit fuzzy, but with this context… they make some sense now, don't they?

.

And just what is it that's out there? I can still feel it calling to me, stronger than ever, even if it was briefly drowned out by this revelation. That feels like the only unknown left in this world, honestly.

.

I'm going to have to talk to them.

Tomorrow, first thing in the morning. I'll wake up, and I'll…

Oh. I suppose I'll have to wait for someone to show up on their own, considering I don't even know where they are at the moment.

I'll just… try to get some sleep for now. Maybe the unconscious mind can piece things together better than I can right now.

If I can even stay asleep.

If I can even arrive at sleep in the first place.