"I finally had enough of Voight but I think the better question is what are you doing here? Because last time I remember you were in New York." He says as she traces one of the frames and then turns towards the couch.
"When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I'd eventually want something like this - something outside city living for the baby, well babies. So when they offered me a promotion here when the twins were two, I jumped on it and we've been here ever since." She says as she looks around her livingroom.
"So you never planned on telling me about them? You couldn't bother to mention it when we were still talking? See if I don't know, maybe I'd want to be a part of their lives?" He asks next - no longer holding back his anger for not knowing that she had his children. But the anger fades just a little when he sees the look of genuine confusion cross her face and tears in her eyes - telling him without words that she had tried or maybe that she did tell him. His heart races with the onslaught of different emotions he's feeling and it only seems to get worse as he waits for her response. They both stay quiet as they attempt to prepare themselves for the long overdue conversation they're about to have - both of them fearing what will come of it.
She bites her lip as she tries to think of how to begin as he waits in the same spot he's been in since she came back downstairs. He's got an angry pout on his handsome face - his red rimmed eyes staring back at her as he shoves his hands in the front pockets of his jeans.
"I found out after we fell out of touch, I was four months along - which told me that it was when I had drove back to Chicago for the rest of my things from Hank's and then you and I met up and shared that one final goodbye." She pauses for a moment as she recalls what happened after leaving the pub with him that night - the love they shared being poured into every kiss and caress during those few passionate hours. That gets him to smile sadly as he thinks of the same things - their last night together and that their babies were made with every ounce of love he and Erin felt for one another.
She clears her throat and continues. "I uh...I was considered at risk for preterm labor and losing the babies, so I was advised not to fly. I called and text you asking to talk - one of my voicemails I just flat out said I was pregnant. I even asked Kim and Voight to have you call me. None of that worked, so with my next check-up I was given an ok from my doctor to drive back to Chicago the first weekend I had off. I went straight to the district and was thankful that with a baggy sweatshirt on, you couldn't see my bump." Her hand runs over her abdomen as if said bump was still there or would reappear. "When I got there the unit told me you were undercover. I talked to Voight, but he told me that you were moving on and that I should consider an abortion or giving them up for adoption - to try to move on myself." The hurt and anger is still evident in both her expression and voice.
"That was the last I spoke to him. When I walked out of his office, everyone else was gone. I placed a letter with sonogram pictures under your keyboard and then went back to New York. When another month had passed and still no word from you, I tried to contact you again but your number was changed. That was my final hint that you didn't want anything to do with us. I had tried what I could to at least let you know and decided to leave you alone so I could I focus on preparing for the twins." She reveals to him - her lip quivering and tears trailing down her cheeks. The obvious pain she's going through as the past is drudged up - the way he hurt her both then and now almost causes his own tears to fall. There's an urge to move closer to her but it's quickly overthrown by the need to create more distance between them not wanting to overstep. Because he knows it's on him for shutting her out and leaving her in that apartment five years ago - the place that went from hers to theirs just months before and then back to just being hers.
"The only one who knew other than Voight, was Platt. I told her about them when she called to tell me that Al was killed - explained that while he was family I couldn't leave the twins or bring two babies under the age of two with me. She's the one who gave me your new address. I wrote letters and sent pictures every year on the twin's birthday. At that point sending them was more for me, to know that I, again, tried to let you know them - even if just a little. I sent them until Trudy told me that you and Hailey were seeing each other. Initially I was jealous and sad even though I knew it was selfish to feel that way. With some time I eventually I grew out of that. Because it was what I needed to hear. It was what made me realize that you really had moved on and were living your life, so I stopped sending the letters." She shrugs as she looks down.
"Even without knowing Hailey for more than a couple months. I could tell she was good police and a good person, the type of woman you needed. She was your new back up. And thinking of it that way, I was happy for you because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy." She sighs, her sad expression contradicting the words of the last sentence. There's a heaviness that hangs in the air as he processes all the information.
"I blocked your number when I went undercover - it was rash and harsh but I knew you'd always have a hold on me. And if I had gotten a text or call telling me that you felt the same way I was, I wouldn't have been able to focus or stay away from you, which wouldn't have fixed anything. The problems we were dealing with or trying to deal with between when I left the apartment and when you left Chicago, still would've been there. So that's why I never got your calls or texts after you left the second time. But I never got the letters or pictures either - not even the ones you left on my desk." He whispers towards the end. His voice comes out so quietly that he's not sure she even hears him from where she's now curled up against the arm of the couch but the way she looks at him lets him know she heard every word.
"You have to believe that I was never trying to keep them from you Jay or you from them. Anytime they've asked about their daddy, I'd tell them about you and tell them stories of us. You're why Alex wants to be a cop when he grows up - not me - and you're why Ava has claimed my White Sox shirt as hers and sleeps in it at least two times a week, because I told her that you got it for me." She concludes and those little facts make him feel better, that knowledge does something to his heart in a good way before his chest begins to ache as his next words start to form before they tumble out of his mouth.
"I have to go back to Chicago." He tells her and she looks shocked - heartbroken even as she slumps into the back of the couch.
"Right." She angrily wipes her cheeks of her tears as she looks away from him.
"Why even agree to come here and why pretend to care?" She asks rather loudly considering there's two children sleeping just up the stairs.
His voice mimicks hers in volume with his response. "There's no pretending to care here Erin. I may have just found out but that doesn't negate the fact that I care - they're my kids too. I just-"
"Momma?" A little voice whimpers, causing both adults to look over at the stairs.
"Hey Bub." Erin sits up and opens her arms for her - for their son to walk into. Jay watches as she wraps his mini me in her embrace.
"Did you have another bad dream?" She whispers into the little boy's hair while placing a motherly kiss there as he immediately nods and nuzzles into his mom's chest. She stands up with Alex in her arms and looks up at Jay.
"You can let yourself out." She dismisses him before heading for the stairs.
He stays unmoving for a couple minutes, hoping with everything in him that she comes back down those stairs but when she doesn't he decides to go and apologize after his return.
There's been countless times where he's been here working through the night and into the early morning by himself. Anger coming off of him in waves, fueling him as he worked tirelessly to gather intel that would help solve the case. But tonight it's different - tonight he's seeing red - all of the information Erin shared with him just a few hours ago replays in his head as he stomps through the bullpen. He's thankful that the unit's not here as he moves past the office and break room straight to the locker room. Each envelope is slipped into the intended recipients locker in quick succession until he gets to the last one and he hears footsteps - clunky boots meeting the linenolium flooring and echoing off the walls.
"Forget something Halstead?" He grumbles as he sticks out his chin and narrows his eyes in the way he does as if he can intimidate his former subordinate.
Jay shakes his head as he turns around the last letter still in hand. "I didn't forget anything but you did."
"What's that?" He questions and Jay sighs.
"The letters from Erin, the ones with pictures of my kids in them. You know, the babies you told her to abort or give away." Jay elaborates and Hank inhales deeply as he runs his thumb just below his bottom lip.
"Look she needed to move on like you already had. You had no problem getting with that vic's sister and then with Hailey after that. Who's to say you don't have more-" Hank boasts but gets cuts off as Jay snaps, taking one step forward and landing two hits, one on each side of the older man's face.
"You don't get to turn this around on me or them." Jay shakes his head and Hank huffs.
"I went undercover - took a bullet to get into Intelligence. It was the most elite unit in Chicago but from the jump I knew it was being run by the wrong guy - a crook somehow passing himself off as a caring family man, a leader - a Sergeant. And through the last ten years, there's been dozens of times where I wanted to throw you under the bus but you always made sure that you had someone attached to it - someone to take down with you or to take the fall entirely. Antonio, Al, Erin and most recently Hailey. There was always someone I cared about or loved that held me back and vouched for you, so I'd cover for you for them. And I realize now that it's why I became unrecognizable to myself over the last few months - hell the last few years. Why my morals and outlook - who I was - began to change with everyday and every case because I wanted to protect them and in doing that I allowed myself to begin to blur the lines. That's why I simply resigned because I didn't want Hailey dragged into any trouble while the department conducted investigations on you. But you ran out of fucking chances the moment I found out that you kept the knowledge of my kids from me and heard what you did and said to the mother of my children - the woman that saw you as a father. She trusted you, stuck her neck out for because she felt indebted to you and that's how you treat her?" Jay growls and Voight scuffs at him.
"You're forgetting one thing kid." Voight says as he steps closer. "If I'm taken down, you're going with me. Afterall, you just said you've covered for me dozens of times." He concludes, not even acknowledging any word of Erin or the twins.
Jay nods at the Superintendent, Cheif of Police, and the I.A. officers as they come to stand at the doorway of the locker room.
"I can't work for the Chicago Police Department ever again but all of Intelligence, former and current detectives and officers have been pardoned for any and all involvement in exchange for everything they wanted to know on you. Small price to pay - especially since I already turned in my badge and my family isn't in Chicago." Jay shrugs as he steps back and waits for his old boss to be handcuffed and escorted out.
After a minute or so he looks from the doorway and down at the letter in his hand. His thumb runs over the ring held within the envelope again and then with a whispered apology he puts it into her locker before going to the office - quickly tearing through each drawer.
He figures it's a long shot - that Voight probably discarded or destroyed them a long time ago. So it comes as a surprise when he finds them hidden at the bottom of the last drawer. It makes him wonder for a brief moment what Voight's motives were in keeping the letters. But he pushes that thought aside and moves towards the door. His hands shake as he looks at the three envelopes made out to him, one with his old address on it and two with just his name. He takes a deep breath as he leaves - this time not looking back as he descends the stairs.
"Let me get this straight she tells you that she had your kids and you tell her you have to leave? And you don't get why she was pissed?" His brother's quips and Jay sighs - his emotions getting the best of him and his frustration bubbling over as he immediately gets on the defense.
"I didn't say I don't understand why she was upset. It was just rough how she just dismissed me and didn't even give me a chance to finish telling her that I was coming back to them. And would you rather have me send you a letter or text that you have a niece and nephew? And just let Voight continue on-"
"Woah Jay. I didn't mean it like that." Will interrupts his brother's rant and Jay just sighs as he calms.
"So you and Hailey?" Will questions when he notices Jay visibly relax just a little.
"She didn't want to leave Chicago and now she may be getting promoted so I definitely don't think she'll want to move to another state." Jay shrugs and takes a pull of his beer. His eyes look at the letters he placed on the counter when he got here after leaving the district. He sets the brown bottle down in favor of picking up the top envelope. His right index finger glides under the seal to open the paper rectangle. The sonograms photos are what grabs his attention first - the black and white photos are grainy but it still gets a smile from him - knowing what the little peanuts labeled with the letters A and B have grown into.
"Aww, they have your nose." Will jokes effectively breaking Jay from his thoughts.
"You're an ass." Jay shakes his head and chuckles lightly into the top of his beer before he reads the short letter and then moves to pick up the next one. Another smile comes to his face when he finds more pictures which he goes through first before handing them to his brother. He waits for Will's reaction at being able to see what his niece and nephew looked like as babies.
"All joking aside, they actually do look like you. What are their names?" Will admits and Jay nods before objecting.
"He still looks like me but she is a mini Erin now. It said in the first letter that their names are Alexander James and Ava Jolene." Jay replies with a sad smile.
"That's good for her but I feel bad for my little nephew." Will adds and Jay attempts to laugh but it comes off as more of a huff.
"Alexander James and Ava Jolene." Will repeats their names as he looks back down at the pictures that were sent with their first birthday letter.
"Even after everything the two of you went through, you leaving the apartment, her leaving the state and then you ghosting-"
Jay narrows his eyes at Will to tell him without words to get to the point. "...she still named them after Grandpa and Mom."
"How do you figure she used mom's name?" Jay questions because his son's middle name is the same as their late grandfather's first name but he doesn't get Ava at first until he thinks about it a little longer.
"Her name was Evangeline." Will elaborates as if Jay didn't know their mom's name.
"Ava Jolene and Evangeline?" He says next and Jay nods to let him know he got it.
"I didn't realize you talked to Erin about them?" The older brother ponders next.
"Of course I talked about them, I just didn't bring up Patrick to her." Jay shrugs as he hands over the last set of pictures from when the twins turned two.
"Are you sure he's your kid?" Will laughs seeing individual pictures of the twins and Jay rolls his eyes at his brother's sarcasm.
"So what are you going to do now?" Will continues sifting through the images - taking in the adorable tykes in the pictures and asking if he can keep one of the two of them to which Jay nods.
"I'm going to be there and be a dad to my kids - try to make up for all I've missed." He answers and Will nods back as he too takes a swig of his own beer.
"Do you think Erin would be willing to move back here?" Will eyes observe his brother's stoic expression as he finishes reading the last letter.
"No and I wouldn't ask her to. We left Chicago for a reason Will and even though the twins are still young, Erin's made a life for them in there." Jay reasons - hoping that after how he left things with Erin before coming back here that she'll let him be there for them and be apart of their lives. It makes him even more anxious to fly back tomorrow - wanting to apologize and catch up on everything.
"Mommy." Ava says excitedly as she climbs onto her mom's bed.
"Good morning Bug." Erin whispers back, seeing her son still sleeping next to her as she leans over him to press a kiss to her daughter's nose. And when she pulls back she thinks Alex is beginning to wake up before he turns over.
"Hey, time to get up Bub." She announces as she ruffles his hair gently.
"Ok." He grumbles dramatically into one of her pillows before he sits up, she kisses his head and tells them to go downstairs and think about what they want for breakfast while she goes to the bathroom - reminding them on their way out not to climb on the breakfast bar stools. A sad smile comes to her face as they race from the room.
She combs her fingers back through her hair and blinks away her tears as she thinks about last night - feeling more confused than anything. She looks to her nightstand and takes in the time on the alarm clock before looking at the baby picture of the twins behind it. Her heart aches remembering when she went back to New York after her last trip to Chicago and how alone she felt.
She doesn't get to dwell on it for long as a scream from her daughter echoes through the house and has her rushing out of bed and down the stairs.
Her heart pounds as she gets to where her children are sitting on the floor near the kitchen - something telling her that they were playing on the exact chairs at the breakfast bar that she told them not to go on.
"I sorry Ava." Alex murmurs, one of his arms drapped over his sister's shoulder as she cries. She's holding her left arm close to her chest and Erin fears that it's broken seeing that her wrist is already swelling.
"Can Mommy see Bug?" Erin asks as she squats down in front of the twins. Her daughter nods and extends her arm but she whimpers as soon as Erin touches close to the swelling. Erin sighs with worry as she picks Ava up just as someone knocks at the door.
"Zeke enough." She reprimands the dog for barking while she goes to see who's visiting so early in the morning.
"I don't have time for whatever you came over here for Jay." She stresses as she looks from him to their daughter.
"Is everything ok?" He questions when he sees Ava with tears running down her face and Erin just about on the verge of tears herself.
"No, she fell off one of the chairs and hurt her arm." Erin sighs exasperatedly as she looks down at their son who moved to lean against the back of her leg. Her free hand going to the little boy's head as he hides his face from Jay for a moment before moving just a little so he can peek at him.
"We were playing." Alex tells them, causing both of his parents to look back at him.
"And I don't know if I should call them both in or just take Alex to school on the way to the hospital. Do I even take her to the hospital?" Her voice is shaky, giving way to how stressed she is.
"Can I see your arm Ava?" Jay asks their daughter and she nods her head against her mom's shoulder but keeps her arm pressed into her belly. From what he can see it appears bad enough to get checked out but he doesn't want to worry Erin even more, so he steps back.
"How can I help?" He asks and Erin is rendered speechless. She looks hesitant for him to help at all as she sets Ava on the couch.
"Jay." She sighs and he instantly looks defeated.
"Can I drive Alex to school for you? Drive you to the hospital? Whatever you-"
"I don't know, I-"
"Erin, I'm not going anywhere." He protests and that look of hesitation comes back to her face.
"Are you sure?" She asks and he nods without a second thought.
"I want Daddy to come with." Ava demands and her input once gains both Erin and Jay's attention. Erin looks back up at him quickly to gauge his reaction to hearing that word for the first time. She's a little afraid he's going to retract his last words and run again but to her surprise a hint of a smile comes to his face which only widens as Alex argues with his sister. "No, I want Daddy to drive me to school."
"How about I drive you all? You can run Alex into school and then I'll take you two to the hospital, drop you off at the ED while I park the car." He can see her rethinking it again before she nods in agreement and hurries upstairs with Alex to get them both ready.
He goes to get some ice for Ava's arm from the freezer and then sits down in front of her on the coffee table.
"Hey peanut, can I put this on your arm?" He asks and she looks at him and then the ice pack as if to ask why. "It'll make your arm feel a little better until the doctor can look at it." He explains and she nods scooting forward until she's standing and then leaning into his leg. He's a little taken aback at first but gently places the ice pack on her swollen, already bruised wrist. She whimpers at first but soon relaxes her little arm on his thigh and cuddles into his chest.
"How come you didn't come to be with us before?"
"Uh..." He's not sure what to say, he doesn't want to blame Erin but he didn't know. She put him on the spot and he has to think quick.
"I was lost and I had to find my way home." He says simply and she seems to accept his answer before asking her next question. "Are you going to be lost again?"
He chuckles lightly at how she worded it before shaking his head.
"I don't plan on leaving you ever again." He promises and it earns him a little dimpled smile just as Erin and Alex come back downstairs.
Alex watches his sister and dad as he grabs his backpack and get his shoes on before looks down to tie them by himself. Jay picks Ava up and begins to walk towards the door and ruffles Alex's hair once he's close enough - causing the little boy to giggle. It's an image that causes Erin's heart to do flips. But she doesn't focus on that for long, quickly moving to grab her keys, two go-gurts from the fridge, two granola bars and a jacket for Ava.
"Ok Bub, let's get you to school and Avie to the doctor." She murmurs as she takes Alex's hand and leads them outside - stopping to unlock her Jeep before turning back to lock the house. By the time she gets to the SUV Jay already has both twins in their booster seats.
They're sitting on the middle of the hospital bed. Erin leans down to press a couple kisses to Ava's cheek, with one hand cradling the back of the little girl's head causing giggles to erupt from Ava as she nuzzles into her mother's chest to hide her face. He stops in the doorway and admires the sight - a cup of coffee in each hand. Then Erin's looking up at him and giving him an appreciative smile.
"Two sugars and a cream." He says as he steps forward and gives her the cup in his right hand.
"Thanks." She says before taking a tentative sip, her eyes not leaving his until their daughter moves against her and Jay does the same - smiling once again at her literal mini me.
"What's that smile?" Erin rasps and he chuckles and shakes his head.
"What?" She smiles back at him.
"She looks exactly like you." He shrugs and she hums contently, once again looking down at the child as if she hadn't noticed before. Erin chuckles seeing the end's of her hair being twirled by her daughter's uninjured hand. Erin sets her coffee on the table in order to grab her phone from her pocket. She immediately pulls up the Disney app and lets Ava pick a show or movie to watch while they wait.
"We got a little mini you too." She rebuttals once Ava's occupied and he nods. "When they were babies, they looked a lot more alike - not completely though and as they grew their differences really began to show. But Avie here, still has your eyes and those adorable freckles like her brother." She hugs Ava just a little tighter and he can't say he didn't notice, though he'd say their daughter's eyes are closer to hers than his but he doesn't mention it in the moment.
"I know you said that you talked about me to them but I didn't know that they'd know what I look like?" He ponders and can see her gulp after taking another sip of her coffee.
"They asked not that long ago to see a picture of you and so I found my box of old pictures and found some of just you, others with you and the team, you and me." She admits and he nods.
"I'm sorry if what they called you-"
"Don't be, I was surprised - having just found out two days ago for myself. But I'm thankful that after everything, you still told them about me and showed them pictures of us. I want to be here and I know it's going to be an adjustment but hopefully them knowing about me - even if it's just a little bit - will help the transition." He says and she nods again.
After a few more minutes of waiting she glances back up at him. "I thought you were going back to Chicago?"
"I did already." He chuckles softly as he takes a seat next to them on the edge of the bed. Then he explains what transpired when he went back to District 21.
"So he was finally arrested?"
"Finally?" He shakes his head, thinking he surely heard her wrong.
"Yes, finally. He's gotten away with too much for too long and while I know I'm not any better for helping him when I was there-"
"Don't clump yourself in with him. We all helped him in some way at some point. Were we in the wrong too? Absolutely. But we'd own that, we took those mistakes and carried them everywhere with us. But he didn't - he never really cared about anyone but himself. He's manipulative and knew exactly what he was doing. I had enough before moving here but seeing you and finding out about your - our children and learning that he played a big part in why I didn't find out about them sooner was the last straw. I finally had a reason - three reasons to turn him in." He confides, placing a hand on Ava's uninjured arm and sweeping his thumb back and forth over the little one's soft skin.
"And what happened to your hand?" Erin asks next and he squints with his nose crinkling as he shrugs his shoulders.
"I may have punched him." He mumbles into the top of his coffee cup as he takes a sip.
"May have?" She blurts out a little too loud causing Ava to jump - grumbling something incoherent as she sets the phone down and crawls over to cuddle up to Jay before picking up the phone again. He sets his cup down on the small table next to him and then gently pulls Ava onto his lap and securely wraps her in his arms. He looks down at their daughter and once again can't help the smile that spreads on his face - causing a similar one to come to Erin's.
"He brought up my relationships after you left. He was about to spur some sh-" He stops himself from swearing - remembering there's little ears resting against his chest he corrects his language and continues. "...stuff about there being more kids I didn't know - at least that's what I think he was going to say."
"But you don't know because you punched him?" She adds and he chuckles with a nod of his head.
"Twice actually." He admits and she shakes her head with the smile still dancing on her lips before she suddenly becomes more somber - her eyes drifting down to the cup in her hands.
"And what about your wife? Did you tell her about the twins? Is she coming here?" She rambles off next but he doesn't get to answer as the doctor walks in.
Ava sings along with the Disney station playing on the radio during the car ride back to the house. Her parents remaining silent throughout the entire drive - both of them dreading their looming conversation.
And when they walk through the front door, no words are exchanged between the two adults until Erin sends Ava up to her room to play.
"You want something to drink?" She asks as she walks to the kitchen after their daughter is out of sight. He declines as she reaches for a glass and fills it with water. Her eyes avoid his gaze even after she turns around.
"We're getting an annulment." He finally blurts out - knowing its why she's been so quiet with him since she asked those questions at the hospital.
Her only response is to shake her head at first and it confuses him.
"You know when I was asking those questions, I was afraid your answer would be that she was coming here." She murmurs, a pink tint darkening her cheeks in shame.
"I was scared that you'd want to take the twins every other weekend or whatever until you got closer." She adds and he gets an idea where she's going with this but he doesn't interrupt in case he's wrong.
"Then I thought the two of you would take them from me because with you they'd have two parents - a real family. I know it's selfish and I'm sorry for thinking that way." She whispers and it saddens him to know that's what's been causing her to have that worried look on her face and the pout to her lips.
"Erin-"
"But I didn't want this either - for you to have to choose between your wife - the woman you love and the twins." She's started to breathe erratically and it causes him to step forward. One of his hands coming to cup the back of one her arms and the other cups her chin and tilts her head up.
"Breathe." He instructs, inhaling and exhaling deeply as if it needed further explanation. "Did the twins help me finalize my decision?"
And she tries to pull away from him with tears in her eyes but he just tightens his hold on her arms.
"Yeah, but we decided to separate before I found out about Alex and Ava." He tells her and she looks up at him her teary eyes silently asking 'really?'
"Even if we didn't - even if my wife had decided to join me here. I wouldn't take the twins from you. Because no one can take your place Erin. You're their mom, you're all they've known for their whole lives and I would never dream of taking you from them or them from you." He assures her and she sniffles.
"I understand you wanting to be here Jay and I'm happy for you to be as involved as you want. But I think you should still try to fix things with her."
"Erin-"
"I just don't want you to regret letting her go."
"I appreciate that Erin. But what's done is done, she didn't want me moving back to Chicago or to bring herself here. I love her, I know she was supposed to be a part of my story but that chapter is over. I just want to be here for the twins." He whispers and she nods, her heart swelling again with the last few words. It's not surprising to hear from him, he's such a good man. But it makes her excited for how happy the twins will be to have the chance to get to know their dad and she can't wait to see more of him with them.
A/N: Thank you to those who reviewed, it was certainly unexpected as I didn't expect many to read but it was much appreciated hearing your thoughts and hope to see what you think of this chapter.