A couple months passed. The weather continued to warm and Mrs. Cole's gardens burst forth in magnificent bursts of crimson, periwinkle, goldenrod, and cornflower. All the rooms Mrs. Cole liked to frequent had at least one elaborate arrangement on display.

Like her flowers, Mrs. Cole too seemed brighter. The Commander had read her a letter recently, sent by her brother. I decided to dust the room as he read in order to overhear its contents, but a cough and a look from the Commander dismissed me. I couldn't hear anything other than Mrs. Cole's joyful exclamation. Ever since then, her mood had been borderline cheerful.

Another contributing factor to her joy was the Commander. Ever since that night in the office-the first of many-he'd taken it upon himself to pay more attention to Mrs. Cole. He came home regularly with chocolates or jewelry. I wondered how the Commander got them. There weren't ration tickets for jewelry. He didn't dismiss her concerns or ignore her idle chatter, he scarcely looked my way when she was in the room. Gone were the days of stray touches and piercing stares, a fact the sneers Mrs. Cole directed at me proved she was well aware of. She thought she had won, somehow.

I almost pitied her for that. She thought she had a faithful, loving husband while he slept with another woman night after night right under her nose. How she could be so oblivious was a mystery to me. Could she not see how the Commander's work had taken a toll on him? The furrows in his brow and the shadows beneath his eyes had deepened. When no one was speaking to him, he got a distant look in his eye. I hoped the information I was feeding to Mayday contributed, I hoped I was making him suffer somehow even as I pleasured him.

He had me visit him almost every night now, sessions were longest when he was in the worst moods. Whenever I asked questions about his work I was lucky if I got a vague answer or the occasional name of someone giving him grief. Some I knew the faces of, like Commander Thorpe and Commander Ewing. Others I only learned from Commander Cole like Waterford, Lawrence, Bailey, and Walberg.

More often than not, though, he would cut off my questions with a rough kiss, biting my lips until they sometimes bled. I could no longer remember what happened after the talking stopped, if I tried to recall it, I was left with hours of emptiness. The only proof I had of what I'd done were the papers and bruises hidden beneath my dress.

I mechanically braided a strand of hair to tuck under my cap. I didn't know why I still bothered. It didn't make me feel connected to Jade like it used to, it didn't even feel like rebellion anymore, not compared to working with Mayday. Except that didn't feel like rebellion either though, didn't feel like anything any more.

I set my cap in place. I should be nervous or excited. Today was a big day. Today I would learn the plan for my escape.

But I didn't feel anything but the chill in my hands. I stuffed them in my pockets. The smooth, cool facets of Everett's quartz crystal greeted my fingers. As they traced each perfect plane, I willed the memory of that night to return, the chill in the air, rustling of the trees, how we'd joked and fought, the look in his eyes that I could barely make out in the dark.

Thanks to James's discovery, there could be no more late night rendezvouses. Our exchanges consisted of messages passed by Jenna and brief meetings during doctor's visits.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, I missed it. If we'd had more time, perhaps we could've been friends. But this was Gilead. There's no room for friendship in Gilead. Not for Jade, not for Jenna, not for Anne, not anyone.

After a moment's hesitation, I took the crystal from my pocket and placed it back under my pillow.

I went down and set the table for the Cole's breakfast before sitting for my own. I could feel Maria's eyes on me the entire time, though I couldn't catch her staring. I forced a smile as she sat down, earning me a cold look in return. I guess I was still not forgiven for that night when she snuck into my room. I couldn't bring myself to care.

James drove me to the hospital. Mrs. Cole insisted on it now whenever it rained or grew too hot for her liking. Didn't want to risk the health of the baby. James didn't look at me. Hardly ever spoke to me anymore. How one little threat had subdued an Eye was beyond me. They were supposed to be made of stronger stuff.

James parked in front of the hospital doors. Two armed guards escorted me in. I felt a flutter of nervousness as I walked in, the first feeling of anything in a long time. After the routine scans of the baby, I was left alone in the examination room to dress. I waited for Everett to arrive.

After an unusually long time, he opened the door. He flashed a tentative smile which I didn't return. The last few visits hadn't been pleasant and I was done playing nice.

"The boss is ready to see you," he said, motioning for me to follow him.

I didn't budge. "Boss? You didn't say anything about meeting anyone before. What's this about?"

Everett checked the hallway before beckoning again. "There's been a slight change of plans, I'll explain on the way but we have to hurry."

I gritted my teeth, but followed. The hallway was empty, not a single guardian in sight. Everett whispered in my ear as we walked.

"I can't give you his name, but he goes by Crow. He's one of the higher ups in Mayday for our region. He normally doesn't meet with street ops, but the leaders have been particularly interested in your work. I don't know exactly what this is about, but it must be important for him to risk discovery like this."

Everett checked nervously over his shoulder again. A tendril of fear wound its way around my chest. Was this a betrayal? Everett had promised for weeks now that the next time I saw him, there would be a plan for my escape and each time he said the leaders of Mayday wanted more information. Was I being played for information? The idea that one of the other Committee members was using me to gather information on a rival had crossed my mind several times of late. Maybe now whoever was behind it all had what he wanted and was leading me to my death.

My hand strayed to my bulging stomach. The Thorpes would be the type to kill me to get to the baby. They were jealous and rivals of the Coles. That was motive enough. A flutter of movement met my touch. My eyes widened. I'd never felt that before. I wasn't sure whether I was grateful or saddened that I got to feel the baby love before we were killed.

We went down into the hospital basement and ended up in a boiler room. The sound of water flowing through the pipes and the shaking of machinery in the dim light set me on edge. It was the perfect place to kill someone.

"Lucy, it's good of you to join us."

I spun around to face the source of the voice. After a moment, I was able to make out the silhouette of a man seated to my left, legs crossed casually.

I looked to Everett for confirmation. He nodded. I relaxed slightly. He hadn't used my Handmaid name. Any man working for Gilead would never use my real name.

"Why did you bring me here?" I asked, hoping I sounded braver than I felt.

"As I'm sure Everett told you, our organization is impressed with how much valuable information you've provided for us," the man-Crow-said.

His accent was out of place, Boston. Most of the people here had a range of southern accents if any. Perhaps he moved south before Gilead. That or he had enough influence to travel across the country despite the travel bans.

I scoffed. "I don't suppose you called me here to give me a gold sticker."

"If you want out of Gilead, you'll knock it off with the infantile remarks. I don't work with children," he snapped.

I bit back the retort in my mind. "What do you want from me? If it was about my escape, you wouldn't be here."

Crow chuckled. "Your girlfriend here is a smart one, Everett," then to me he continued. "We have reason to believe that your Commander knows who the leader of Gilead is. All the information you've given us suggests it."

"I thought Gilead didn't have a leader, it's run by the Committee," I said.

"That's what they want us to think," Crow said. "But the snake ruling Gilead has a head. The Committee holds significant power, yes, but they can't do anything without the head's permission. Cut off the head, and Gilead will fall."

I felt my palms grow sweaty. "You're saying you want me to find out who rules Gilead?"

"Not just that. There is going to be a gathering of the Committee in Washington D.C. in two weeks. All the most prominent officials will be there, including, presumably, the leader. You are to convince Commander Cole to bring you along. There will be a dinner honoring Russian officials who will be visiting on the third night. While they are all gathered, you are to slip this,"

He handed me a vial of powder.

"Into the food, drinks, anything you can to take down as many people as possible. It is fatal even in small doses, but should take an hour or so to take effect. Take care that you don't breathe it in and none of it gets on your hands. While it may not kill you, I cannot guarantee your child's safety."

I pondered the vial in my hand. What I'd done before was risky, but this? This was suicide.

"What makes you think I'll cooperate? I was promised-several times-that all I needed to do was hand over what information I could on Commander Cole and then you'd get me out. I was lied to every time. You've given me no reason to trust you."

"We will get you out that night. Some other Commanders like to bring their Handmaids along to functions like this. They don't like to go too long without an outlet, see? If you poison the Commanders, the panic will be enough to let us take you and any other Handmaids present. We will arrange to make it look like a kidnapping. In three days time, you and the others would be outside of Gilead. If you don't cooperate, you are just as guilty as the Commanders raping your fellow Handmaids."

"I'm not if you aren't actually planning to get us out at all. Besides, if I poison everything, I'll be killing Handmaids too." I thought of the bombing up north that claimed my sister's life. Had that been another Mayday stunt? Our lives could be just as expendable to them as they were to Gilead. More so even, since they didn't want to breed us.

Crow sighed and shifted forward in his chair. "If we were lying to you, you'd have no chance of escaping. If you were trapped anyway, wouldn't you at least want revenge on the men who did this to you?"

Revenge. It was tempting. I could picture Commander Cole gasping for air on the floor as I watched. It would feel good to watch the light in his eyes fade. My child would be safe. They'd make my life miserable, probably torture me, but the baby wouldn't die. The Commander would. Was it worth it? As much as I hated the way things were, how I wished to not wake up each day, I would rather live than be tortured to death.

The other Handmaids however. If I didn't try, then I wasn't throwing away my own chance, or the chance for my child to have a normal life. I'd be throwing away all their chances too. Women like Jenna and Jade and Molly. I couldn't do that to them.

"Fine. I'll do it."