"So wait, you're being picked as a new Eva Pilot?!" Asuka stared at Kotone incredulously as they ate their lunches.

"Yeah, apparently. I get to pilot Unit-05 or whatever." Kotone rubbed her temples as she sighed. "I wanted something to increase my viewership and protecting humanity in a giant robot is bound to help with that."

"Unit-05? Does it have thirty-two eyes?" Shinji asked with genuine interest.

"Gott, are you still on about that Shinji? It's not going to have that many eyes." Asuka rolled her eyes before returning her attention to Kotone. "Anyway, if you're going to join us elite few then it's only natural that I, the best Eva pilot, show you the ropes."

"Oh, maybe you can include her in on my training. That's been helping me a whole lot so it should help her too." Asuka whipped her head around to Shinji fast enough to create wind pressure.

"Ohhhhhh?" Kotone grinned as she saw her chance to strike. "You two have some private training you like to do together? How could I stand to interrupt your alone time?" Asuka's blush grew luminous enough that a distant helicopter mistook it as a warning light. Even Leader and Shiki had a tinge of red on their face. Shinji however, seemed to miss the subtext.

"Oh, it's no trouble, I mean it's extremely helpful if you want to be able to fight Angels. And we don't do it alone, after all, Misato, Doctor Akagi, and the rest of the bridge crew have to watch to make sure things don't go wrong." Shinji explains much to Asuka's horror and Leader's and Shiki's shock. Kotone blinked in surprise.

"Did…. did you just counter-innuendo me?"

"Did I what?" Shinji squinted in genuine confusion. Kotone opened her mouth to explain but saw Asuka, Leader, and Shiki making repeated stop motions, and decided against it. Unfortunately, Rei was not paying attention.

"I believe what she means is the way you said your previous statement would imply-" Fortunately the day was saved when Hikari burst through the door, cutting Rei off.

"Alright, I've managed to distract Kirishima. Remind me to get Aida to talk to her at some point, as they would probably get along with how much they both talk about military matters." Hikari sat down and began to unwrap her lunch.

"Thanks, Hikari!" Asuka sought to drive the conversation far away from what they were talking about before. "Where are the stooges anyway? I haven't seen them all day."

"I don't know, but they better have a good explanation for why they missed school." Hikari scowled as her own trio of Minisukas grabbed at their own portions.

"Well, hopefully, they aren't having too much fun." Kotone quipped as she side-eyed a still-confused Shinji.

Tokyo-3 Abandoned Warehouse District

"Hmmmmm." Kensuke checked the instructions again, confirming that, yes, this was the warehouse he was supposed to meet his contact in. Nodding to himself he entered the warehouse with his head held high and his chest puffed out. Confidence is the key to success, you know?

"Ken? Whaddya doin' here?" Kensuke blinked as he saw his best friend and partner in (mostly metaphorical) crime Touji Suzuhara waiting in the abandoned warehouse.

"I'm meeting someone about getting a discounted Ramses-II main battle tank, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here ta get some imported Andorran protein powder."

"Protein power." Kensuke repeated as he tried to recall where in the world Andorra was and how Touji of all people knew it existed.

"Yeah, I stopped buyin' it ta help pay fer Sakura's medical bill but since Dad's NERV insurance covers dat now I decided to treat myself a little before I go back ta the normal stuff." Kensuke nodded in understanding, that sounded exactly like something Touji would do. Suddenly a noise emanated from the shadows of the warehouse as a large man in a white suit and a face that screamed 'Yakuza' emerged. He stared at the two of them with a menacing gaze before pulling a-

"Are you two here for the pocket racer tournament as well?" The man held a tiny car out in his hand, his stern face and deep tone ill-matched for what he just said.

"Oh hey is that a- wait!" Kensuke blurted out as he tried to wrap his head around what was happening. "If you're here for a pocket racing tournament, you're here for protein powder, and I'm here for a tank, why are we all-" Suddenly a distant sound echoing from far away cut him off.

"Sunao ni I LOVE YOU! todokeyou

kitto YOU LOVE ME! tsutawaru sa~"

"""Oh no.""" Three sets of eyes widened in surprise and understanding. At that moment they knew, this was a trap.

"Quick! Follow me!" The suited man shouted as he broke into a sprint. Kensuke and Touji had no objections as they followed as fast as their legs would take them. They burst out of the door on the opposite end of the warehouse and began to take stock of their surroundings. Suddenly a man in a silver idol outfit and wearing an eyepatch exuding an aura that could only be described as 'Idol Power' burst through the door on the other end of the warehouse. The music was growing louder.

"Look, a taxi!" Touji shouted as he pointed to a Taxi that still seemed to be in service, awaiting customers despite the odd location. The three of them ran towards the taxi, their pursuer only walking at them but still somehow managing to keep the same distance. The three of them made it to the taxi and piled into the backseat.

"Drive Drive DRIVE!" The man in the suit screamed at the taxi driver as their pursuer grew closer. Suddenly the taxi sped off, leaving their pursuer in the dust. As their enemy grew distant the three of them began laughing, relief evident on their faces.

"Hey, thanks, man. You got us out of a real bind." Kensuke thanked the heroic taxi driver.

"No problem kid." The eyepatched taxi driver responded with a wide grin, trying to hold back his laughter. "No problem."

Terminal Dogma

Ritsuko sighed as she took another drag of her cigarette. She was glad to be done with Unit-05 but staring at Rei's backup bodies did not improve her mood. But at least it was comparatively easier work all things considered.

"I look away for a moment and the calibrations are all off. Out of the frying pan and into the fire as they say." She says as she rewrites some outdated code.

"There is no rest for the wicked Doctor Akagi." Gendo states as he watches over her. "Will we be ready in time for Rei's appointment?"

"Barely, I have far too much to recalibrate since I haven't been here in a while."

"I see. Can I assist you in anything to speed up the process?" Ritsuko pauses for a second to ensure what she just heard was correct. Gendo Ikari helping her? This had to be a trick. Unfortunately, she was far too tired to not fall for it.

"I need a cocktail of chemicals to ensure stability during the appointment. If you could head to the medical wing storage and pick up the container designated as Beta-Gamma-Thirty, that would speed things up immensely." She received a grunt of acknowledgment.

"Very well, I shall return shortly." She heard the door open and close, leaving her with the backup bodies.

"Hmmm. Something has him on edge." She wasn't entirely sure of that, but something had to be wrong with him. She put wondering about that at the back of her mind as she continued her work.

NERV breakroom 74-Z, later

"Alright, who microwaved fish in here again!?" Misato pinched her nose as the horrific scent emerged from the offending appliance. "I'll find who did it and hang them from one of the Evas!"

"Katsuragi?" Kaji popped his head in to see what the commotion was about. "What are you screaming about?"

"Kaji? Are you the one who's been microwaving fish in here?" She eyed him suspiciously. His disgusted face was all the response she needed.

"Gods no! I have standards! Who do you think I am, Minato from college?"

"Ugh, don't remind me of that weirdo. Anyway, my lunch is now ruined because someone doesn't know common workplace courtesy."

"Have you tried the cafeteria?" He received the flattest of stares in return. "That bad, huh?"

"NERV receives billions to outfit giant mechs in the most advanced of armaments and none of it goes to the cafeteria."

"Typical. Well, I got some cup ramen back in my office, wanna relive our college diet?"

"Better than nothing I suppose. But if you think this is anything resembling a date I will-" Suddenly the break room went dark. "The power's out?"

"Huh. Might be a fault in the power grid. Well, emergency power should come back on any second." A few moments pass. "Any second." A few more moments pass. "Any second." His eyes were adapting to the darkness, allowing him to see Misato's scathing glare. "Okay, this might be a problem."

"Oh really?! What could possibly make you think that?!"

Tokyo-3, near defensive blockade 3-Q

"-and this is defensive blockade 3-Q." Asuka gestures to the massive metal obelisk. She had decided for all of her fellow pilots to take Kotone on a tour of all the important locations for Eva Pilots to know about. Nobody disagreed (except Shiki but that was more on principle than anything) and so here they were.

"…..How is it different from the other ones?" Kotone asked with a strained smile.

"I'm glad you asked! For you see-" Asuka began to go on a tirade about defensive positioning to an increasingly resigned Kotone. Rei had decided to distract herself with a good book (Intermediate Pranking 101) and tune out everything else. Shinji was paying rapt attention to Asuka's lectures in hopes of learning something to help his piloting. Leader was noting things down in her notebook while Shiki was napping in his shirt pocket. Suddenly something caught Shinji's attention.

"Is that Mat? Hey Mat!" Shinji gave a polite wave to Mat, who only nodded in response. Asuka gave the newcomer a one-over before deciding he wasn't worth her time and continuing her lecture. Kotone gave a wave and Rei continued to not pay attention. "Do you want to join us?" Mat thought for a moment before nodding again. "Great, just don't interrupt Asuka."

"Shinji! Zip the lip, I'm lecturing here!"

"Sorry, Asuka…." Mat could only shrug and roll his eyes.

NERV Medical wing elevator

Gendo stood stock still and stared at the elevator wall. The unmoving elevator wall. He really needed to stop getting into elevators, they seemed to only bring him misery. He just wanted to keep his mind occupied to distract himself from the constant screaming, but now he was stuck.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

His current source of elevator-based misery? The wheelchair-bound eight-year-old and her accompanying Ishim that were staring at him.

"Hey, old guy, you Shinji's dad Gumbo?" Sakura Suzuhara inquired. How did he know her name? Well, it was printed on the side of her hospital-issued wheelchair for starters.

"I am Gendo Ikari, yes." He answered, hoping the child would leave it at that. Unfortunately, she wouldn't.

"Cool, I'm firing you from your position as a dad." …What?

"What?"

"Baka?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?

"Yeah, I heard you weren't a good dad, so I'm firing you from being a dad. I'm going to be Shinji's dad from now on." He stared at the eight-year-old with such incredulity that his face stung from showing so much emotion after so long. Her Ishim was also confused.

"That's… not how that works. Fathership is not something you can fire someone from, and you of all people don't have the authority to do that." Sakura scoffed at him and puffed up her chest.

"Screw your stupid rules! You're a bad dad and I'm going to be a better dad than you, therefore I'm Shinji's new dad. I'm gonna drive him to sports practice, teach him how to shave, slip him a beer, cheat on my wife with his school teacher who's half my age, and get pinned for a whole bunch of crimes I didn't commit by my bosses at the shady black company I work at. Normal dad stuff." …Where was she learning these things? Even the Ishim looked confused and uncomfortable. Was he in hell? Did he die at some point and get sent to hell?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"You're delusional." He stated plainly and with finality, broadcasting an obvious end to the conversation. Unfortunately, she didn't seem to get the message.

"No, I'm Sakura, Shinji's new dad." Never before has he wanted to strangle a child more than right now. He hoped the blackout ended soon or he might need Section Two to help him dispose of a body.

NERV Command Center, later

"So Rits, how is it looking?" Misato asked as she fanned herself with a vaguely important-looking folder, wondering why it was so hot underground.

"It looks like sabotage or gross incompetence on a transcendent level." "Ritsuko pinched the bridge of her nose as she suppressed the urge to raid her subordinate's liquor stashes.

"Could it be both?" Misato suggested.

"Honestly? That makes way more sense. Aoba! Sitrep!" Aoba poked his head up from a maintenance grate.

"The good news is it can be fixed. The bad news is that it'll take like three or four hours minimum."

"Just great. And all our regular maintenance workers just happened to be celebrating in Tokyo-2." Ritsuko groaned.

"Um, Senpai, they're at a funeral. One of the maintenance workers died." Maya pipes up holding a bag of spare parts she acquired from a supply closet. "It was in the workplace newsletter." Ritsuko blinked and suddenly found the floor very interesting.

"Oh. I should probably catch up on my emails." Misato pats her back.

"You need some sleep, Rits. But before that, we should probably get the Evas ready." Everyone turned to look at Misato like she's grown a new head.

"What? Why?" Ritsuko stared at her friend to see if she got into a booze stash when nobody was looking.

"Because this seems exactly like a situation where an Angel would attack, so we should prep the Evas however we can."

"Misato, that's insane. And what about the pilots? What, do you think they'll just fall out of the sky-" A nearby air vent was kicked open, causing a few bridge members to grab their NERV standard-issue self-defense sidearms (bullets sold separately). Out of it emerged three familiar girls in school uniforms. "-I walked right into that one."

"Oh hey Asuka, Rei,…" Misato squinted at Kotone, trying to recall who this was. "…you?"

"Kotone Suzunami, Miss Katsuragi. I'm technically the new Eva pilot."

"All of you shut up!" Asuka shouted with a wild look in her eye. Even Rei seemed mildly concerned. "We need the Evas ready YESTERDAY!" Asuka grabbed Misato by the shoulders and looked ready to do something insane.

"Asuka calm down! Where's Shinji and the Minisukas?" A ball of ice was beginning to form in Misato's gut; all of the pilot's behaviors were odd. Well two of theirs were, Misato really didn't know Kotone.

"That's the problem! The mini-mes are on a warpath because an Angel kidnapped Shinji!" Silence engulfed the command center after that outburst. Everyone had to take a moment to let that sink in, the gravity of the situation cemented by the panic on Asuka's face. After a deafening silence that seemed to last forever, Misato responded.

"WHAT?!"

Tokyo-3 Pocchi Memorial Street, earlier

"Is it just me or is everything a bit…. darker than usual?" Shinji asked as the sun began to set and the building lights didn't turn on in response.

"What?" Asuka paused her latest lecture on weapon deployment hardpoints to look around. "Oh. Huh. Is there a scheduled blackout happening?"

"No." Rei spoke up without looking up from her book. "The blackout started around the time you were explaining defensive blockade 3-Q. Scheduled blackouts do not last this long. There is likely some sort of fault that caused a mass power failure."

"…..and you didn't think to share that with the rest of us?" Asuka inquired with a raised eyebrow.

"I assumed you would want to finish your tutelage of Pilot Suzunami, so I decided it would be best to let you continue."

"Well thanks, but we need to report to the Geofront when emergencies like this happen. Well, guess we can use this to teach Kotone about emergency procedures!"

"Yay….." Kotone cheered weakly, desperately wanting to go home and sleep.

"Oh, I guess that means that you have to go Mat, I don't think we're allowed to bring you to the Geofront." Shiki sighed and sat up from her resting position, yawning as she rubbed her eye. She looked at the four people accompanying Shinji and blinked. She rubbed her eye again and tried to make sense of what she was seeing. She climbed onto Shinji's shoulder and tried getting his attention. "Hmmm? What is it Shiki?"

"Anta Baka?" Shiki inquired while pointing at Mat.

"That's Mat, I'm not sure if you've seen him before." Shinji explained, not entirely sure what Shiki was getting so worked up about. Shiki looked at him like he grew a second head and went to get Leader's attention, who looked at her oddly.

"Anta Baka!"

"Baka?"

"Anta Baka?!" Shiki pointed to Mat, who was pointedly not making eye contact with anyone. Rei sighed, wondering what was interrupting her reading time now. She closed her book and looked up, blinking in surprise.

"Pilot Ikari, Pilot Soryu, Pilot Suzunami?"

"Yes?"

"What?"

"Whassup?"

"How long has Classmate Mat been a giant spider?" Everyone turned to look at Mat, scrutinizing him for the first time. There was his white button-up shirt and black pants, like what Shinji wore, stretched along his long arachnid limbs. His head was shaped similar to a disk or a bowl, with many triangular eyes oh crap it was a giant spider Angel.

Matarael blinked as he felt himself under a much more focused gaze. His nervousness grew as the Pilots began to distance themselves from him, Leader manifesting her Lance with the intent to kill. Realizing that his cover was blown, Matarael did the only thing he could think of. Suddenly growing a manipulator appendage, Matarael launched forward and grabbed Shinji, knocking Leader and Shiki onto the ground. Matarael continued forward with his hostage in tow, leaving behind five shocked girls to process what just happened.

"The…. The Angel…. JUST TOOK SHINJI?!" Asuka shouted in confusion and anger. Her mind was a jumble of mixed emotions, slowly settling on burning fury, mixed with worry.

"Baka Shinji?" Shiki whispers as her eyes grow distant and unfocused. Leader just stares off into the distance where the Angel disappeared. Baka Shinji? BAKA SHINJI?!" Shiki shouts in an uncharacteristic display of raw anguish, snapping Leader out of her shell shock. Leader slaps Shiki out of her state and stares her in the eye.

"Anta Baka!" Shiki blinks and nods, her face now a visage of vengeful fury. The two sprint away, leaving the three pilots on their own.

"W-what should we do?" Kotone asks as she tries to get her racing heart back to normal.

"We…. need to get to the Geofront! We need to get to our Eva's! We need to kick that Angel's arachnid ass and rescue that Idiot!" Asuka orders, her fingernails digging into her palms with enough force to draw blood.

"I agree with Pilot Soryu, we must reave apart the Angel and display its head so that all will be aware of the folly it committed against us." Rei's eyes were focused on some distant object, her stomach filled with an alien feeling that she did not like. "I believe I know a shortcut, follow me. We shouldn't delay." Rei sprinted off with surprising speed, the other two following quickly after her.

"Damn straight First! Let's go!"

"This already isn't good for my heart…." Kotone whimpered, hoping this isn't usually how Angel battles go.

I was considering whether or not to make this a two parter, but I just found leaving things on a cliffhanger way too much fun. So yeah Matarael starts things off by doing the smartest and stupidest thing. Smartest by removing the currently most effective Eva pilot, stupidest by invoking the wrath of the red horde. If you're wondering what Matarael looks like in Shinji's school uniform, I'll leave that to your imagination. Tune in next time as NERV has to de-escalate a hostage crisis involving a giant alien spider, a fourteen-year-old boy, and an uncountable number of enraged tiny redheads. And also giant robots I guess. Until then I hope you enjoy, leave a review if you can, and have a pleasant day.