A/N: a lot of the responses from the last chapter update loved Bella's anger, I just wanted to assure everyone that's not going away anytime soon. The anger comes to a head in the Edward/ Bella reunion chapter (but that's still a few chapters away). Somewhat shorter chapter, but I wanted to cut it off at this point rather than drag it on.

Also, I realized when writing this chapter that I left out a part of Jacob and Bella's interaction in the previous chapter, it's between one and two hundred words. It's not important to the point you can't read this chapter without going back, just wanted to mention it in case you did want to go back. It was more meant to be funny than meaningful.

Ch 4: Dead Winter of My Life

"People don't leave people if they really are in love.

I was good, just wasn't good enough

I never said I was perfect. Just thought I was perfect for you.

But all that was worthless

'Cause if I couldn't be one, I wouldn't ever be two

Thought I was the way home, but I was an obstacle to move

I never said I was perfect like you."

-Good Enough Maisie Peters

The snow falling from the dark night sky didn't cool my anger.

I don't knock before I let myself in. It's Alice, she'll know and the roar of my truck was hard to miss. "What the fuck is this, Alice?"

She looks confused but I don't trust her innocence.

"What did he do this time?" Jasper asks, coming to join us.

"I thought he took everything when you left, the pictures, my birthday presents, the plane tickets. But no! He hid them under a floorboard in my room!" I remember when the weight of my discovery finally outwon the shock. I'm glad Charlie wasn't home, it would have been nearly impossible to explain the sudden rage I found myself in as I stormed out of the house to come here.

"He- what?" She holds her hand out for the note and I relinquish it. It takes her a moment to smooth it out enough to read the words I already memorized. "That fucking idiot."

I sniffled loudly, torn between overwhelming anger and a sense of sadness that reached so deeply into my soul I felt hollow inside. "How did you not see this, Alice? I know he made the decision the night of my birthday. He changed. He made up his mind and took three days to plan best how to break me so I couldn't ever hope for the possibility that he would change his mind and come back."

"He. . . He asked me not to look."

"You were my friend, Alice. My best and only friend. . . At least I thought you were. . . Why? Why did you listen to him?"

I could see the pain my questions were bringing her but I wouldn't take it back. "I'm sorry."

"Why Alice?" I ask again. "I know you were looking out for Jasper, I get that, but why would you agree to not look at my future? You would have seen that I wasn't better off, that he didn't tell me anything he told you he said!" I take a steadying breath. "I wasn't around werewolves for months, you didn't look for me for months."

"I didn't," she agrees. "He asked me not to look and when I finally broke my promise, I couldn't see you anymore."

"How long, how was it before you looked?"

"A year. It was just around your nineteenth birthday. . . Edward left, we were all falling apart and when I looked you weren't there."

"And you didn't try to check on me when my future was gone, or whatever it was?"

She doesn't answer for a moment. "Hindsight is 20/20, Bella. I realize I made the wrong choice and I can't take it back, no matter how much I wish I could."

"I'm dropping everything in my life for you all, again!"

Jasper steps between us, forcing his calmness over us.

When I spoke again my voice was different, quiet but broken, "he told me I was nothing to him, had never been anything but a novelty to you all. A fun distraction from the monotony of your lives and a better way to blend in with the humans."

"He lied!" Alice vehemently insisted.

"He broke me," I'd never spoken the words aloud before, no matter that they were true, and I know Alice and Jasper could hear my whispered confession.

"He lied," she insisted again, hoping I'd believe her.

"I know he lied. I know that now thanks to this stupid fucking letter that he hid under a floorboard in my room," I gesture to the letter Alice left on the coffee table after she read it. "All this pain and suffering and death and loss was because he thought he knew best. Because you all decided everything for me, regardless of the fact that it was my life."

"Edward has been just as miserable as you have," Alice promised. "He's been hurting just as much."

"No. No, he hasn't. You know how I know that?" I ask but don't wait for a response. "Because he knew I still loved him, that I would always love him while he convinced me that I was nothing more than a distraction. That he never loved me, could never love me." I don't know what else to say. "Any pain he felt was of his own doing." I look up into her dark gold eyes, my breath escaping me in a shaky sigh. "You know, I've never had much experience with love before Edward, the only love I saw was between my parents and they split soon after they had me. . . But I know what love is now." I know I love Edward, and while the love Jacob and I shared wasn't romantic, he was my best friend, the only one who was always here for me. "I've seen it and I know that's what we had, but he walked away from us without looking back."

She lets my words sink in before responding softly, "not a day has passed since he left that you weren't on his mind."

"I guess I was harder to forget than I was to leave."

"Don't let this letter change your mind," Alice says, her hand grasping mine, "please."

I pull my hand from hers, dropping it back at my side. "I said I'd go, I'm not changing my mind," I mutter.

Some would call it an avoidance, I preferred to call it putting others before myself. I can't be selfish anymore, every second here I've been on borrowed time. I couldn't stay and selfishly keep everyone's lives on hold or make anyone else risk their lives for me.

How can I stay when I know I'll be putting even more people at risk? Rebecca and Rachel added to the list of people in my wake.

I feel like I'm trying to shield everyone I care about like I threw myself over a bomb seconds before it exploded. It's a nice gesture, but who's to say I really helped? Well that isn't entirely true, if I leave Forks the vampires (both Victoria and the Cullens) would leave with me. I could protect them like I failed to with Jessica.

I turn to leave, my hand freezing on the door handle when I hear Alice's voice. "I won't force you to stay right now, but will you please come back in the next few days, whenever works best for you so we can finalize our travel plans and all the details?"

I nod. "I can come by after Charlie leaves for work tomorrow."

It's still snowing outside, the yard cast in the haze of the porch lights after the sunset.

I climb into the cab of my truck, pumping the gas to warm the engine but it's a few measured moments before I am aware enough to drive back home. . . or what used to be home. While part of my mind is thinking about how in a few days I would be leaving here for the last time, seeing my father in person for the last time, the other part of my mind is consciously trying not to think about those facts.

I was still furious, at Alice, at the Cullens and at him. I was mad at myself most of all. Mad that part of me wanted to forgive them, to get back to how things were the summer before they left.

"I don't think I've ever been so lonely,

didn't know if I would make it out.

The dead of the winter of my life. . ."

You'd Never Know, Blü Eyes

One of the requirements for my English degree was a course on etymology and semantics. The class was harder than I originally thought it would be, but I found it fascinating how language developed, and how many meanings one word could have.

Anesthesia, for example, is a word of Greek origin and means the absence of feeling. Honestly that sounded pretty good right now as I pulled into my spot on Charlie's driveway, his cruiser already parked.

From the driver's seat of my truck, I could see the dark opening to the woods where my life fell apart. It never seemed like a welcoming place, my body tense. It's like a movie flashing back in parts that cut deep and slow. I had so many questions that only he could answer, why here?

The moon was bright enough to highlight the yard up to the trees, brighter than it had been that night Sam found me.

I had held myself together reasonably well, I thought, considering the circumstances. But I needed tonight. I knew I couldn't keep it together much longer, and I needed to be able to break down in the comfort of my own home, my room.

Charlie calls for me once he hears the front door open. "Bells? I brought dinner from the diner."

"Coming!" I kick off my shoes by the door and shrug out of my snow-covered jacket. "Did you just get here?"

He's in the kitchen when I reach him, the food long forgotten, left haphazardly on the counter as he's reading the letter I forgot I left on the table.

"I can't believe it. I'm so proud of you, Kid. You know that, right?"

I didn't even have it in me to blush under his praise. "Yeah, Dad. I know." I hope I remember moments like these.

"Sit. Eat. You're too small." He says gruffly. I roll my eyes but do as he says. He sits where Jake was, their temperaments polar opposites. "When do you leave?"

Before the snow is gone. "Right after New Years. I have to move into a dorm and have all the orientations before classes start." At least I would if I was going there.

He takes a sip of his beer. "I can try to take a few days off, fly out with you to help you move in or whatever."

"It's fine, Dad. This is the busiest time of year for you. I don't have much to bring, a bag or two."

"What about sheets and a fridge and all that?"

"I'm going to buy it there. It'll be cheaper than shipping it. There are second hand stores not far from campus, too. I'm planning on hitting those first." I try to assure him. "And I applied for one of the dorms that has a kitchen with a fridge and stuff, so I shouldn't need to get a fridge of my own." I was thankful I spent that hour googling the dorms at Ithaca.

"Did you tell your Mom you're going away for school?"

"No."

"You should."

"Probably," I agree to appease him but I have no intention of talking to Renee anytime soon. It's what she wants anyways. Things were complicated with us and I should want to fix things before I change, but it's so much easier to leave things the way they are. No one will be hurt this way.

I stand up from the table and throw my now empty takeout box away. I wrap my arms around Charlie's shoulders from where he is still sitting down when I pass. "I'm going to head up to my room, finish packing and stuff." I told him.

"Don't work yourself too hard, Bells."

"I won't. What time are you working till tomorrow?"

"I have a double so I could get off for Christmas. I think Billy's stopping by sometime, too."

I didn't let him see my grimace. I'm sure, like Jacob, Billy can see through my flimsy story and lies. I missed him, though. I've been seeing him every day for years, well until I broke things off with Jake.

My room is a disaster when I walk in and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't even bother cleaning it up, just transferring the pile of junk on my bed to my desk before lying down.

For whatever reason, when I opened my eyes the next morning I realized I didn't dream last night.

A/N: This chapter was harder to write than I thought it would be, specifically the Alice/ Bella interaction. Good news this was the only portion of the coming chapters that wasn't already written so the next chapters should come soon(er than the updates for If I Get Burned).

Hope you liked it, please review!