Emma could not account for her reaction the previous night to Mrs. Weston's revelation that Mr. Knightley may have turned his thoughts to matrimony with Jane Fairfax. He was her oldest and dearest friend. She had known him all of her life though she supposed this could be the problem, that she simply did not wish to lose his attentions when he married. Perhaps it was because it was Jane Fairfax who was supposedly turning his thoughts to marriage. Emma dismissed each of these ideas as soon as they came to her. She would not lose his friendship simply because he married and it was not only Miss Fairfax that she objected to as his potential wife. When she forced the truth from the depths of her own mind, Emma knew that she would object to any woman that Mr. Knightley may have an inclination for. And why was this?
That he was the handsomest man of her acquaintance, she could not deny. He was tall but did not have the lanky build that was so popular among young men these days. Instead, his shoulders were wide and his arms well-muscled from the time he spent assisting his many tenant farmers when they were facing a particularly difficult planting and harvest season. His eyes were brown and often allowed those closest to him to decipher his moods before he spoke. He was respected by his neighbors, beloved by his family, and adored by his nieces and nephews.
It cannot be true! Everything will be ruined! But even as these thoughts flashed through her mind, Emma could not ignore the memories that pushed past her denials. How nothing could stop the smile that would spread over her face when she saw him. How when anything good or bad happened to her, he was the first person she desired to tell. How it had felt so indescribably right to be in his arms when he had prevented her from falling the evening before. I am in love with Mr. Knightley.
As she acknowledged the indisputable truth, she felt a wave of giddiness wash over her and she clapped a hand over her mouth to stop the laughter she felt bubbling up. It had only been a few weeks since she had told Harriet that she had yet to meet the gentleman who possessed everything she required in order for her to fall in love with him. Only now was she realizing how blind she had been because she had already known a gentleman such as the one she had described. However, as she rejoiced at the knowledge that she had found the man she had not thought existed, she was struck with another truth.
Mr. Knightley had never shown her any affection beyond what a friend feels for a friend or a brother feels for a sister. He was forever pointing out her flaws and criticizing her behavior and decisions. The mere fact that she was in love with him mattered not when he did not show any signs of devotion to her. Emma felt the hot sting of tears as they slipped down her cheeks and she said a silent thank you that she was alone in the sitting room at the moment, for someone would surely think she was mad with the rapid change in emotions she had displayed in the last few minutes.
Sinking down onto the sofa, Emma covered her face with her hands and wept. She had never thought she would fall in love and now when she had, it seemed completely hopeless. She could not discuss it with anyone, her pride would not allow her to face the humiliation. No, she would keep her discoveries to herself. She would watch and pray that Mr. Knightley did not marry someone else because in her heart she knew that she could marry no one but Mr. Knightley.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
In the days that passed, Emma tucked her feelings for Mr. Knightley into the farthest corners of her mind, though she admitted to herself it was not far enough. He was always in her thoughts and she attempted to stay as busy as she could so that she would be provided with distractions. She had even willingly written out invitations for a small dinner party that's purpose would be to welcome the Eltons to Highbury. As a respected family in the community, the Woodhouses would have been expected to perform this duty regardless. The only difference was that Emma was relishing the idea of being in Mrs. Elton's company for she would surely provide the best of distractions.
It was while she was completing the last of the invitations that a letter from her sister Isabella arrived, stating that she and her family had planned to visit for two weeks and they would be in Highbury in three days' time. Emma found this to be most convenient for several reasons, including the fact that Mr. Knightley would be away for a week on business and she would be free to see her family without worrying about his constant presence. She also could not help but smile at the knowledge that her brother-in-law would now be in attendance at the dinner she gave for Mrs. Elton.
John could not tolerate the niceties that society demanded and was not afraid of saying so. He was a gentleman, of course, he was courteous and respectful but he had no patience for the arrogance and theatrics that so often accompanied social gatherings. It was for this reason that she knew the pompous Mrs. Elton would exasperate John and Emma would have an ally for the duration of the evening. Emma relayed the news to the servants that they would have houseguests and sent her invitations to be posted before she told her father of his eldest daughter's impending visit.
Mr. Woodhouse was of course delighted that Isabella was coming home but he soon lapsed into his usual worries about the dangers of the long trip from London to Highbury. Emma easily settled him by listing the many precautions Isabella and John were sure to take prior to starting their journey and then began casting all of her energy into the necessary preparations for both her family's visit and the dinner party. The time passed quickly for Emma and it was with genuine happiness that she opened the doors of Hartfield to her sister and her family three days later. With the noise of her many nieces and nephews and the conversations held between the adults, Emma did not have a spare moment to spend thinking about Mr. Knightley and for this she was grateful.
Upon hearing about the dinner he would be expected to attend, John's mouth pressed into a firm line and the frown on his face would have made Emma laugh were it not for the fact that she was at risk of losing one of the only people who could make the night bearable. It took some convincing but she was able to secure his promise that he would be there.
The night of the party, Emma latched on to John's arm and pulled him to the side before they entered the sitting room where all the guests were, "John, I know I have warned you of Mrs. Elton's behavior but I need your assurance that you will not lose your temper."
"It makes little sense to me that you would go through the efforts of holding a dinner to welcome someone you so clearly dislike," John raised an eyebrow at her.
"I will own that I do not like her the least little bit but I will not be rude. I will also freely admit that I was happy you would be here tonight as I look forward to her reaction when she finds she will not be made the center of your attention."
John's face formed an expression of mock offense, "So you will use me as an irritant against the woman? Do you dislike your brother-in-law so very much? What if I find her utterly charming?"
Emma waved a dismissive hand, "Nonsense, John, you know very well that I consider you my brother. I have always valued your opinions and you have never done me the disservice of coddling me as so many are wont to do. Form your own thoughts on Mrs. Elton but regardless of what they are, I know you will tell me your honest impression of the woman."
Emma watched as a begrudging smile lifted the corners of John's mouth and he turned to lead her into the drawing room. John moved to stand beside the fireplace and Emma claimed the only available seat, which was beside Miss Fairfax. Emma had decided to heed Mrs. Weston's suggestion that the young lady was having difficulty adjusting to her surroundings and had penned her a letter inviting her to the dinner. Mr. Churchill had been called on to return to his aunt's side nearly a week before and had yet to return.
Unsure where to start in terms of a conversation, Emma felt some relief when John spoke first, "I do hope, Miss Fairfax, that you were not overly affected by the rain yesterday morning. I trust your letters were reasonably dry when you reached the post office?" At Emma's questioning look, John explained that while walking with the children through the village the morning before, it had started to rain and on their way home had come upon Miss Fairfax as she was delivering her letters to be posted.
Miss Fairfax smiled shyly at the attention, "My letters were safe, sir, I thank you. And I do not mind the rain enough to give me pause in taking my morning walk."
"I, myself, cannot imagine going through the trouble of walking in the rain to send a letter."
"My letters were that of friendship. Perhaps you feel differently if yours are for business."
"I should say not! Of the two, I would choose a business correspondence to become soaked to the skin over. Those letters may bring you money while the ones written in friendship hardly ever do."
"But you are not serious?" Miss Fairfax raised her eyebrows in surprise.
"Pay him no mind, Miss Fairfax," Emma smirked at John and saw the humor in his eyes. "Indeed, he does not mean it and has undoubtedly taken some delight in shocking you with his words."
Miss Fairfax smiled but did not have a chance to respond. Mr. Woodhouse had overheard part of the group's conversation and become quite alarmed at the notion Miss Fairfax had been in what he perceived as great peril, "I hope you do not make a habit of going out in the rain, Miss Fairfax. Young ladies are such delicate creatures, you must take care of your health."
Mrs. Weston, who was seated next to Mr. Woodhouse, smiled kindly at the gentleman and patted his hand in reassurance. Mrs. Elton however was thoroughly dissatisfied with the turn of events that had removed her as the object of everyone's attention and attempted to turn things to her liking, "You poor girl. Going out in the rain for some letters, how very sad!"
Miss Fairfax inclined her head politely but Mrs. Elton paid this no mind, "We shall have to remedy this situation immediately. The man who takes our letters shall collect yours as well."
"I thank you for your offer but I must decline. I very much enjoy my walks."
"I'm afraid it is settled, my dear," Mrs. Elton gave a patronizing smile as though she were talking to a small child.
To Emma's great surprise, the normally quiet and submissive Miss Fairfax stiffened her shoulders, "Excuse me, but the matter is not settled. I will not subject your servant to the trouble of running my errands!"
For the first time since their introduction, Emma felt a sort of kinship to Miss Fairfax. Whether it was the fact that the lady had openly rejected Mrs. Elton or the change in her demeanor while she did it that had caused Emma to see her in a new light she could not decide. However, as she saw Mrs. Elton's smile give way to shock and confusion at having been denied something, Emma knew she had to smooth things over.
"I think maintaining one's walking regime is a good thing. Miss Fairfax is not so very far from the post office as to put her health in danger. Walking is a good way to be alone and only with one's thoughts."
Mrs. Elton's stony expression at Emma's speech clearly conveyed that she was not pleased, "Obviously I do not possess enough knowledge of the ways of small-town life. Those who live in London prefer not having to do menial work."
Mr. Elton leaned closer to his wife to speak placating words, "You are quite right, my dear. You must forgive any indiscretions you encounter in Highbury. The people here are not used to socializing with someone of your breeding."
Though said quietly, Mr. Elton's words were easily heard by the rest of the room. Mr. Woodhouse seemed to be the only person who had not been listening, though the others each had varying expressions displayed on their faces. Mrs. Weston looked astonished that such things had been said about not only the village she lived in but also in regards to all of its occupants, particularly the very dear friends she was currently dining with. Isabella calmly raised an eyebrow in dislike and John had worn a smirk as Jane spoke to Mrs. Elton but it had turned into one of amused pride when Emma defended her. Miss Fairfax simply gave her an appreciative smile, which Emma returned.
Despite the small victory she had felt at being able to disagree with Mrs. Elton while in the presence of others, Emma thought that the evening could not come to an end soon enough. Dinner was served and the conversation was frequently directed to the topics of Mrs. Elton's choosing. After retiring to the drawing room for a short while, the guests stood up to take their leave. It was as John was assisting Mrs. Weston with her cloak that Mr. Weston made his appearance.
"I am so sorry to be late, Emma! Truly, I had been very much looking forward to dining with you."
"Is this what you consider late, Mr. Weston? The conversation is over and dinner has been had," John spoke jokingly.
Emma discreetly stepped on John's foot in censure before smiling at Mr. Weston, "It is quite alright, Mr. Weston. There will be other dinners. I do hope it was nothing of a bad nature that delayed you."
"It was the best news that caused my delay!" Producing a letter from inside his jacket, Mr. Weston held it in front of him as though to display it. "Frank has written to tell me his aunt wishes to purchase a home in a nearby town for the benefit of her health. I have been creating a list of possible locations for him. Is it not wonderful, my dear? Frank shall be able to come and go as he pleases!"
Mrs. Weston beamed at her husband and quickly forgave him for his absence from the dinner and the others offered their congratulations that his son would be so close to him now. Emma's excitement at the prospect of Mr. Churchill's return was great. She enjoyed conversing with the young man and his lively manner and easy humor were just the thing she needed to push away her feelings for Mr. Knightley. If she could focus her attention on her friendship with Mr. Churchill then maybe she could forget her love for Mr. Knightley.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
"You will write to me once you have arrived home? I want to make sure you have made the journey safely," Emma gave her sister a hug before turning to say goodbye to each of the children.
"I shall write the moment we get home," Isabella smiled and allowed John to assist her into their carriage before he helped the children in.
"Thank you for having us Emma," John leaned down as though to hug her but faltered. He instead raised his hand and patted her awkwardly on the shoulder.
Grinning at John's stumbling attempts to show affection, Emma stood on her tiptoes and placed a light kiss on his cheek. He grumbled a bit at the gesture which only made her want to laugh. As he turned to follow his family into the carriage, Emma called out to him, "Oh, John! You never did tell me what you thought of Mrs. Elton."
Without removing his foot from the carriage step, John turned his head to look at her, "I think she is one of the most insufferable women I have ever met." Not waiting for her response, John took his seat beside his wife and shut the carriage door.
Emma giggled and waved until the carriage was out of sight. Her sister's stay at Hartfield had seemed far shorter than two weeks and Emma felt the loss more keenly as she entered the now quiet rooms of her home. She loved her father dearly but the void within her seemed to grow every day. She had Harriet as a friend and Mrs. Weston invited her for visits several times a week, so she was not at a loss for company. No, the emptiness she was feeling had begun the day she had realized her love for Mr. Knightley and had only grown bigger with each day that he was gone. He had written while John and Isabella were at Hartfield to give his apologies for not being there and to say his business would require his presence in London for another week.
While grateful that she had not been forced to look at his handsome face and know he would never love her, Emma had missed him and resolved to keep their friendship. Being without his love was unbearable but as long as he was not aware of her feelings she could still be his friend. With great difficulty, Emma pushed all the love she felt to the deepest parts of her heart and locked them away.
She checked on her father and found him napping peacefully by the fire, exhausted after having so many people in his home for so many days. Moving quietly past him, Emma walked through the gardens situated behind Hartfield. It was almost the middle of spring and the flowers were just starting to grow buds that would soon blossom into beautiful flowers. The hedges would come to life and be a lush and vibrant green. Strolling deeper into the garden, Emma found one of her favorite spots. It was one of the more secluded sections and held a small wooden bench. The trees were far enough away that the sun could shine brightly down on whoever happened through. Taking a seat on the bench, Emma closed her eyes and breathed deeply to enjoy the smell of spring air.
"I thought I might find you here," A man's voice came from behind her.
Emma gasped and spun around in her seat as she clutched at her heart, "My word! Was it your intention to scare me near to death?" She met Mr. Knightley's gaze and as the fear left her, her heart pounded for another reason altogether.
"I am sorry, Emma, I did not mean to startle you," Mr. Knightley frowned and fidgeted with the hat he held in his hand.
Emma felt contrite for having scolded him and stood to face him, ignoring the feelings that threatened to burst from her as she took hold of his hand, "No, I am sorry. I should not have censured you so. I did not expect you to return so soon."
Mr. Knightley gave an uncharacteristic shrug, "I suppose I couldn't stay away."
Hope bloomed in Emma's chest at Mr. Knightley's words but he quickly added on to what he had said, "I should not stay away from Donwell too long and I need to check on the tenant farmers."
Emma pasted a smile on her face as sadness replaced her previous joy. Looking down, she realized with horror that she still held onto his hand. As politely as she could she released him and took a step back. As she did so, she was able to see his face more clearly and what she saw gave her some concern. Mr. Knightley looked positively exhausted, more weary than she had ever seen him before.
"Mr. Knightley, are you well? You look very fatigued." He did not answer but instead stared at her, looking as though he was lost in thought. "Mr. Knightley?"
"Hmm?" Mr. Knightley's eyes came back into focus and he turned a brilliant shade of pink. "Oh, yes. Yes, I am fine. A bit tired from the journey maybe." Before she could respond, one of the servants appeared with a letter for her. Glancing at the front, Emma saw that it was from Mr. Churchill.
"I will leave you to enjoy your letter," Mr. Knightley began to move away but she did not want him to go.
"Please, do not go. Tis only a letter from Mr. Churchill. Perhaps there will be something in here of interest to you."
Mr. Knightley's eyes hardened as his lips pressed together but he did as she asked and stayed where he was. Scanning the piece of parchment, Emma felt a smile form on her face. "Mr. Churchill would like to have a ball and has convinced Mr. Weston to assist him in planning it. Do you think you might come?"
"I do not know. I really should be going, there are matters I must attend to at Donwell. I just wanted to come and say hello to you and your father."
"You will come for supper Thursday?" She called out to him.
"I will," And with that Mr. Knightley placed his hat on his head and left.