An AU set between 3x09 "Survival Instincts" and 3x10 "Brave New World". Nikita has a pregnancy scare.
"What's it say?" Bursting into Nikita's apartment, Alex called. She had dropped everything and ran straight over after receiving one of the scariest calls from her best friend. Nikita had had a panic attack over the phone. She called Alex already crying, and it steadily got worse from there. It took too long for Alex to calm her down. She had never seen her like that before. She had seen the former rogue stressed, tired, upset, and scared. But she had never seen her best friend lose control like that. It was absolutely terrifying.
However, Alex understood why Nikita was so panicked. When she finally calmed her down enough to speak coherently, she discovered that Nikita believed she was pregnant; she hadn't had her period in months, and she felt sick and tired all the time. She had bought a pregnancy test when her anxiety became too much. She just had to know. But as she was waiting for the results, she became so terrified she couldn't breathe. She needed her best friend to help her calm down. Alex didn't hesitate to rush over.
She found Nikita still in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet lid. Her skin was pale, her body was shaking, her breath was shallow, and her eyes were blown wide with fear. Looking at the test in her terrified hands, Alex quickly knew what was wrong. It was positive, "Oh shit…"
There was no doubting the test results. Alex had asked Nikita over the phone if she was sure she was pregnant, and the timing worked out. She hadn't had her period since the last time she and Michael had had sex- since before the accident. She had thought it was stress at first. But when her period continued to be missing, and she had started to feel sick, she couldn't use the excuse any longer. She was pregnant.
"What happened to safe sex is best sex?" The only thing Alex could think to say was a horrible joke. Nikita got on her all the time about being as safe as possible during sex; she should've followed her own advice. However, when Alex tried to lighten the mood by throwing the words back at her best friend, tears pooled in Nikita's eyes. Her breath hiccupped, and she shook more violently. She was going to have another panic attack. Immediately, Alex dropped to her knees in front of Nikita and tucked her wild hair behind her ear. She placed her hands firmly on her shoulders and squeezed, hoping to help her stay grounded, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Although the tears fell from her eyes, Nikita didn't fall into a panicked spiral like she had on the phone. She didn't repeat 'I can't' over and over again. However, Alex knew she was thinking it. Nikita had always avoided the topic of kids, claiming she wasn't mother material. Since the very real possibility of becoming a mother was in front of her, she couldn't accept it. It was too much of a shock; it was too terrifying. She didn't believe she could raise or protect a child, especially not then.
A part of Alex wanted to argue with those thoughts, yet then wasn't the time. She needed to calm Nikita down. She also needed to call Michael. He had to know his fiancée was pregnant. Alex had tried to get Nikita to call him earlier, but she had refused. She hadn't wanted him to worry if it had turned out to be nothing. Well, it certainly wasn't nothing then.
As Nikita stared at the positive pregnancy test and cried, Alex attempted to think of what she could say to soothe her fears. She couldn't think of anything to say to promise that it'd all be okay. A pregnant Nikita while Amanda and the Dirty Thirties were still causing trouble wasn't good. The target on her and her loved ones would only increase. A baby couldn't come into that world. It was far too dangerous.
But maybe a baby wouldn't come at all. Alex had heard of false pregnancy tests; the sticks from the pharmacy weren't the most reliable. Maybe Nikita wasn't pregnant at all. Maybe her stress really was so bad that it made her sick and continuously miss periods. That wasn't a pleasant thought, but it was an easier fact to swallow than pregnancy, especially for Nikita, "Maybe it's a false positive. You have been stressed."
"Yeah. Yeah… it's false," Barely nodding, Nikita fought with herself to agree. She threw the pregnancy test into the trash can and tried to forget about it. But she couldn't breathe past the rock that had settled in her stomach. Nausea violently waved through her, and she had to hold her head between her knees to keep from vomiting. Alex ran her fingers through her hair and rubbed her back. Nikita finally felt like she could breathe and stop crying.
"Medical can double-check," Quietly, Alex suggested. For an accurate result, Nikita should go to a doctor. A hospital was out of the question, but they could threaten a doctor in Medical into silence. Alex hoped it was just stress for Nikita's sake. A baby would only make a horrible situation so much worse.
"It'll be nothing. It's nothing," Managing to stagger to her feet, Nikita repeated to herself. Alex followed her to her feet. But when she reached for her best friend's hand to continue comforting her, she pulled away. Nikita was on a mission then. She was going to prove that it was all nothing so help her God.
Watching Nikita hurriedly scramble for her shoes, coat, and purse, Alex fought the urge to make her think of all the possibilities. Yes, it could very well have been stress making her so sick. But what if it wasn't. What if her luck really was that bad, "What if it's not?"
The tears had mostly stopped since Nikita had a mission to follow and the hope that it was nothing. But they came back as she considered the worst. What if everything was falling apart. Shaking her head, she didn't allow herself to fall down that rabbit hole again. It was nothing. She was going to believe she wasn't pregnant until she was undoubtedly proven otherwise. Because if Nikita was going to have a baby, then the world just might crumble down around her, "Then I have to talk to Michael."
"Maybe you should talk to him now," Following her best friend to the door, Alex mumbled. Even if she wasn't pregnant, Nikita had to tell Michael what was going on. He deserved to know. But the glare Nikita shot Alex after the suggestion kept her from saying more. They should just focus on one crisis at a time, "Right. Let's go threaten Medical into silence."
It was easy for Alex and Nikita to threaten a doctor into silence. Their reputation and Nikita's anxious desperation were a winning combination. Without a word to anyone, the doctor sat Nikita in a room away from everyone else and ran a blood test. The best way to know what was going on with her was to test her blood. An ultrasound could be saved for if she was actually pregnant; they could gain more knowledge from a blood test first. Nikita was perfectly fine with that. She could keep telling herself that it was nothing if all she was waiting for was results from a blood test. It really was nothing; she was fine.
Her thoughts were dangerous things while she waited, however. Alex had to talk to the team so they didn't worry about where Nikita was, and she had to take care of a few things. Nikita was left alone. She didn't have her best friend to distract her or her fiancé to support her.
Nikita should've called Michael. She didn't want him to worry if it was nothing. However, she really needed him by her side as she waited. She was so terrified of the results. She didn't want to be alone with them. She didn't want to face the potential life change by herself in Medical. She needed someone to hold her and tell her that it'd all be okay. She needed someone to help her battle her nauseous anxiety and help her breathe. She needed Michael.
But he wasn't there. He was never there.
Why wasn't he home.
As tears threatened to spill from her eyes once more, the doctor returned with her results. Nikita swallowed her anxiety and focused on preparing herself for the worst. She could tell herself all she wanted that it was nothing, but she knew she never had that much luck. She was going to hear the worst news ever. She better prepare for it immediately, so she could break down in private and not in front of the doctor.
She wasn't pregnant.
Thank God.
Yet as Nikita breathed a sigh of relief, the doctor continued to read her results. She wasn't pregnant, but her stress levels were dangerously high- like heart attack and stroke risk high. The normal chemicals and hormones in her body that should've eased her stress were missing due to lack of sleep and improper nutrition. Because she wasn't sleeping or eating, her anxiety had been allowed to make her dangerously sick. If she wanted to feel better, she had to start taking care of herself. Her stress would be a lot more manageable if she did.
After she thanked the doctor (and threatened him into silence again) he left her alone. Nikita could leave Medical and go about her day as normal. But she couldn't move off the cot just yet. So much relief had washed over her when she had learned she wasn't pregnant. However, fear continued to grip her. She couldn't shake her anxiety. She knew then that it was because she wasn't sleeping or eating. But she was also certain that more was making her anxiety worse. None of her normal calming techniques worked. Usually, when that happened, she had Michael to turn to. But he wasn't there. He was still never there.
If she had called him while she was waiting for the results of the pregnancy and blood tests, would he have even come. Michael had been pulling so far away from her, Nikita wasn't sure. She didn't know if he would've ran to her if she was having an anxiety attack like Alex had. She didn't know if he would've answered her call.
Nikita had remained in Medical for so long, her body was stiff as she finally hopped off the cot. Slowly, she made her way down the hall, unsure of where she was actually going. She knew she didn't want to join her team. She didn't want to face what she had been through that day. She also didn't want to see her fiancé after all her thoughts. She'd rather just be alone. She was used to that.
Unfortunately, Division wasn't the place to go when you wanted solitude. The last person she wanted to talk to caught her coming out of Medical. She wasn't able to keep walking. He called to her immediately, "Nikita? Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine. Just… it's nothing," Instantly, Nikita brushed aside his concern. Saving Michael from her pain was automatic. He had other things to worry about than her. After all, it was nothing.
"Hey. Talk to me. What's wrong?" Seeing right through her, Michael tried to close the distance between him and Nikita. He thought that would've comforted her. Instead, her gaze snapped up to glare at him. There was pure fire in his eyes. It made him step back.
"You want me to tell you what's wrong? I should talk about my feelings with you?" Nikita snapped. She tried to hide her frustrations, but she was just so tired. It was hard to control herself. She just exploded, "I have been talking! I'm the only goddamn one talking! You're the fucking one stewing in silence. You never share your fucking thoughts. So why do I have to say anything now? Why do I have to tell you anything when you just keep pulling further away?"
Michael was startled by the outburst, especially when he noticed the tears in Nikita's eyes. What was going on. Why was she so upset. Did it have anything to do with why she was in Medical. Was there something horribly wrong, "Nik…"
"No! No. I'm just… I'm done. I can't anymore. I… I'm so tired," When Michael reached for her again, Nikita violently jerked away. She couldn't be near him. She was going to say or do something she'd regret if she stayed. She was too worked up to think straight. Before she hurt anyone, she had to run away. She had to escape Michael before she severely wounded him again.
Frozen in his spot, Michael watched as Nikita ran away. He knew he had to chase after her. Yet he was so confused. How upset was she that she wouldn't let him touch her. What had happened to her. And why wouldn't she talk to him about it.
Instead of asking Nikita about it, Michael stormed into Medical. He marched up to the first doctor he could find and backed him into a corner. He glared as threateningly as possible and demanded, "What's wrong with Nikita?"
"You need to ask her or Alex," Cowering, the doctor blurted. Michael gripped his shirt and shoved him against the wall. He didn't have time for games. But the doctor stood his ground. After all, there were scarier people in Division than Michael, "They made me swear not to tell."
Sighing, Michael let the doctor go. He couldn't fight against a threat from Alex and Nikita; the battle wasn't worth it. He just had to get one of them to talk to him. Fortunately, Alex hurried into Medical at that moment. She seemed to be looking for someone- probably Nikita. She definitely knew what was going on. Michael didn't hesitate to cross to her and ask, "Alex. Please. What's going on with Nikita?"
"She didn't tell you?" Confused, Alex wondered. She had hoped to find Nikita and learn what the real results were. Yet she was long gone; only her fiancé remained. Alex sighed. She honestly should've expected that. The engaged couple hadn't talked about anything recently. Of course Nikita wouldn't start with such a heavy subject. Yet Alex couldn't either. She didn't know as much as she wanted to, "I only know half of it."
"I'll take any information I can," Michael practically begged. He just wanted to know why his fiancée was crying and on the verge of a panic attack. Maybe if he had been home with her, he would've known. But he couldn't berate himself then. He simply needed the truth.
Collapsing on one of the landings in the silo, Nikita pressed her forehead against the railing. She fought to control her breathing and calm down. She shouldn't have snapped at Michael like that. She would've just told him she was stressed and needed to rest at home for the day. That was the smartest thing she could've done anyway. Yet she didn't want to go back to her empty apartment. She didn't want to wander through the rooms like a ghost. She wanted to be with someone, talk with someone, laugh with someone. But that someone wouldn't go home with her. So she was left fighting a sob in the silo.
A part of her wanted to keep screaming at Michael. It felt so good to finally get that pain off her chest. She wanted to scream and cry and just make him listen to her. But that wouldn't have been fair to anybody. Calling Alex in a panic hadn't even been fair to her. Nikita had taken her away from Sean after they had just started a relationship. She couldn't ruin anyone else's happiness just because she was struggling. Her problems were her own to fight. She just had to solve them all by herself, just like she always had.
She must've dozed off as she fought so hard not to cry for the millionth time that day; because the next thing Nikita knew, she could hear Michael crawling through the air vents to join her. She wondered how long he had spent searching for her. Her spot in the silo wasn't easy to access, and it normally wasn't the first place anyone looked for her. That was why she had chosen to hide there, after all. No one should've been able to find her for a long time. But Michael had. Maybe that was a good sign.
"I knew I'd find you here," Stumbling onto the landing (no one was graceful as they climbed around the air vents) Michael tried to quip. Nikita didn't respond. She just lifted her head from the railing and stared off into the distance.
Tentatively, Michael sat next to Nikita. She didn't respond to that either. Studying his fiancée, Michael noticed dried tears in her eyes. Nikita must've finished crying. And when she did, her anxiety had been replaced with anger. The tenseness of her jaw confirmed his suspicion. She was worked up about far more things than just her pregnancy scare. He could understand why. He was increasingly becoming more and more terrified about the future that might be ahead of them. He wanted to scream and cry as well. Yet he had to hold it together until he had the truth. He desperately needed to know, "Nikita, just tell me. Are you…"
"No."
Breathing in relief, Michael felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. Despite his desire to one day have a family with Nikita, then was definitely not the time. If they didn't have their lives or freedoms yet, then they couldn't give a life to a child. Nikita seemed to have had the same thoughts as him. Her tense shoulders relaxed once she repeated that she wasn't pregnant. It really was just a scare.
But, although she wasn't pregnant, there was still something wrong. Nikita's sickness and missed periods weren't normal. Her body was going through some serious torment. And if she didn't heal herself, things would go from bad to worse.
Knowing who she was and what she did to herself when she was too focused on helping others, Michael knew what was wrong with Nikita. She was so concerned about Division, the team, her friends, her family, and him to focus on herself. She had to help all of them, protect them from Amanda. And in doing so, she couldn't take care of herself. She was going to waste away trying to support her loved ones. That bad habit needed to be stopped. Michael should've stopped it months ago, "Are you that stressed? Are you not sleeping and eating?"
He was met with silence again, which further confirmed his knowledge. Nikita stopped engaging in the conversation completely. Tired- so tired- she closed her eyes and pressed her forehead against the railing once more. Michael reached to soothe her by rubbing her back. However, she flinched at his touch. He quickly drew away.
Honestly, he deserved that reaction from her. After not reaching for her for so long, he had to earn the privilege to touch her again. He had caused her to recoil at his comforting touch instead of melt into it. That was all Michael's fault. It was also his fault that she had to face the terror of her pregnancy scare alone. Yes, Alex was with her. But who Nikita really needed was her fiancé. He should've been with her. He should've been with her long before to help soothe her anxiety. She had been right; he was stewing. He should've fought through the cloud and been with her. What kind of fiancé was he that he didn't, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…"
"You're not the only thing I'm stressed about," Nikita mumbled. It was true. She was also constantly worried about Amanda, the Dirty Thirties, Division, her team, the President's ultimatum, and her new mission to get Michael a new hand. There were many reasons why she couldn't sleep at night and why she was never in the mood to sit down and eat. Michael wasn't the only reason she was so twisted up inside. But the fact that he was never around to help settle her nerves didn't help.
"I shouldn't stress you out at all. I'm supposed to help you relax. I'm supposed to be your rock when the world is pulling you down. I shouldn't make you cry," Ignoring Nikita's attempt to pardon him, Michael scooted closer to her. She shouldn't have to make excuses for him. What he had done was awful, and it needed to be atoned for.
"Why?" The one word was all Nikita could manage to say as the bitter tears choked her voice. Why was he doing that to her. Why wasn't he talking to her. Why was he pulling away. Why was he trying to fix things then instead of weeks ago. Just, why.
Staring out at the airy expanse of the silo, Michael soon understood why Nikita liked to run there and hide. It would've been the perfect solace for a recruit trapped in fearful hell. It was her own slice of freedom- an escape that wouldn't get her killed.
The fresh air in the silo also provided clarity. Not only did Michael feel like he could breathe for the first time in weeks, he felt as though he could actually think. And the resonating thought in his head was how much of an ass he had been. He had hurt Nikita. So much so, that he wouldn't blame her if she left him. There was no excuse for that. Michael had just been a jerk. He had to say more than just 'sorry' to make up for his actions. He actively needed to do better- be better, "I know what you did saved my life. I know you have far more strength than I ever could. I don't think I could've done what you did. You're my hero."
Slowly, Nikita peeled her eyes open and looked at Michael. His gaze remained on the empty space in front of him. He found strength in the isolation and openness of the silo. He could finally say the things he should've at the beginning, "But I was so angry about what happened. This isn't easy, and I'm so frustrated. I didn't want any of that to fall on you. You did what you had to. You shouldn't have to face my wrath. I've hurt you enough."
Nikita lifted her head from the railing. Michael caught the movement in the corner of his eye, and he finally turned to look at her. Tentatively, he reached for her hand. She let him hold it. He squeezed as tightly as he could, "I'm an idiot. I didn't want to hurt you, so I pulled away. And that only hurt you more. I even thought Owen would be a better partner. After that first mission back, I was so scared. I couldn't pull the trigger, and I thought that'd get you killed one day. My fear of you dying because of me outweighed my fear of losing you. I thought you'd be safe."
"I can take care of myself. I always have," Nikita argued. She had been alone for as long as she could remember. No one had ever looked out for her or had her best interest at heart; she had to be that for herself. When everyone else let her down, she always had herself to rely on. She didn't need protection.
"I know. But you shouldn't have to. You're not alone anymore. You'll never be alone again," Staring intently at his fiancée, Michael argued back. Yes, she could save herself. But she never needed to. Everyone would be there for her. He'd be there for her.
Tears pooled in Nikita's eyes once more, and Michael moved to wrap her into an embrace. She beat him to it. She hugged him tightly, burying her head into his shoulder. He placed tender kisses on her cheek as he returned her embrace. Since Nikita was in his arms again, Michael wasn't going to let go. He'd soothe her anxiety, help her get her stress levels down, and talk. The two would seriously talk about their relationship and what the future had in store for them. Because they were going to have a future. He could promise that, "I'm not pulling away anymore. I'm not done fighting. I will never move on from you."