Chapter 16 — Muddle in the trailer park

An abnormally tall man had just shown up on the Kankers' property. Well, it wasn't really a man, but rather the three disguised Eds standing on each other's shoulders, as Rick and Jonny had guessed when they noticed that the newcomer's face resembled Eddy's. They wore a ridiculous hat with a yellow feather and a sinister grey raincoat that probably belonged to one of their parents. Anyone with good eyesight would have unmasked them in a flash, but the sisters visibly didn't recognize Eddy and his pals. They drew closer to the strange guy and confronted him as if he were a total stranger.

"What do ya want jumbo, are you lost ?" Lee asked him with the courtesy of a kennel keeper.

"Greetings, ladies." Eddy started in a somewhat halting voice that he would like to sound stiffer. "Um, we've been hired..."

"Eddy !" Double D quietly interrupted to urge him to fix his mistake. He was just below Eddy but could track the whole situation too through a small aperture.

"Oh, I mean, ahem… I was recently hired by this trailer park operator, and he charged me with the rent harvesting. So I notice that you have not paid yet this month."

"Are you kidding us ?!" The redhead fretted, waving her fist. "July has only just begun and rental deposits always came in at the end of the month !"

This harsh reply frightened Ed, who almost fell backwards. Since he was carrying the pyramid, it made the two others quiver slightly, but not enough to be exposed. Eddy regained his composure and was willing to stand his ground. In this costume, he was in a commanding position. He continued in a more assertive voice :

"I suggest that you calm down very quickly if you don't want to get into trouble with the director, young ruffian. He warned me that you Kankers were a tough cookie, and obviously he knows his customers well."

The loutish trio gritted their teeth and muttered curses, but none of them dared to get into a fight. Assaulting a staff member could be punishable by permanent exclusion, the Park 'N' Flush boss wasn't joking about that. Anyway, the Flicker could applaud Eddy's cunning, which came in handy. While the Kankers stared grimly at their interlocutor, Rick and Jonny snuck up behind them to fetch the stolen stuff. When Eddy's gaze met Rick's, the latter gestured for him to keep the surly sisters' attention while he handled everything else. The hustler got the message and went on :

"Just so you know, a new rule just came out. From now on, a portion of the rent is claimed early in the month for security reasons. You're not beyond the law, whether you like it or not."

The Eds had originally planned this setup to get back an amount equivalent to their stolen cash, but if Rick picked it up on their behalf, it made things easier for them. Now, all they needed to do was distract the enemy. Good news, because Edd was about ninety percent sure that the Kankers would never have fallen for such a coarse staging. Why didn't we ask for Rick's help earlier ? He wondered. Jonny was more practical than us. Just like to confirm his fears, a very skeptical Marie invited herself in the conversation :

"Wait, you string bean, how can you prove to us that you work here !? Never seen you before. Can we check your badge ? And let's have the official article with the rule change too."

Eddy began to sweat from dread. He had underestimated his enemies' reactivity. Luckily, he wouldn't have to keep up this charade much longer. Meanwhile, Rick had slipped out of one of the trailer windows and freshly emerged with the coin-filled jar. For his part, Jonny had gathered his boards in the red wagon. The Flicker gestured for Eddy to withdraw while he did the same with his accomplice. The duo meekly vanished behind a bushy treeline, hidden from the Kankers' view if they turned around.

"Ah... Of course... Mind you, I forgot all this stuff in my office. I will return and bring you everything. Come on, my legs, let's go back."

Ed started to retreat, but Lee's obnoxious voice echoed from his back, urging him to stop :

"I say you look familiar, mister giant." She said, scratching her chin.

"Huh, do I ? Yet I look like anybody." Eddy replied as his suit began to shake from Ed and Edd's scared state. "Stop it, will you ?" He yelled at them in a lower voice.

"Yeah, you were on an infomercial ?" May interjected.

"Um, no… I mean yes !" Eddy caught up, sensing a perfect opportunity to fake it. "I'm very well known. Quite famous, actually. I used to do advertising for monster trucks before switching over here. Want my autograph ?"

"I do !" Ed rejoiced as he foolishly poked his head out of the trench coat, ruining their cover-up in the process. "Hi, I'm the legs." He proclaimed while losing his balance.

The disguise collapsed completely, dislodging Eddy and Edd from their perch. The three friends ended up sprawled out on the floor, under the mercy of three angry demonic sisters.

"Oh my. Busted..." Double D whined while dusting off his clothes.

"It's the Eds ! They were hired to collect the rents." Said May.

"Nah nitwit, they're just three weasels who tried to trick us and are gonna pay for this." Lee fixed it.

"Let's catch this fools." Marie sued in a menacing tone. "I'll show them how's a knuckle sandwich sound."

"Oh no, not me !" Ed freaked out, now seeing the three demonic girls creeping dangerously closer to him, grinning like psychos. "Ed doesn't like knuckle sandwiches !"

The big lug grabbed his two friends like they weighed naught and ran away at breakneck pace. He frantically darted between the trees and trailers, hoping to lose his stalkers in this maze. The Kankers were chasing after them, but they could hardly keep up with Ed's incredible speed. In his frightened mood, he moved as fast as a muscle car. Ed dashed so fast that he had little time to change his course to dodge a last-minute hurdle. Sadly, that' s what happened.

Rick and Jonny had just popped out from behind a caravan with their plunder, also heading for the nearest exit. A loud "BOOM" rang out. The two squads collided violently and fell to the ground, with stars spinning around their heads. Crashing to the ground, Ed caught himself onto the rim of the red cart and tipped it violently ninety degrees, involuntarily catapulting its entire contents. The cash-filled jug and Plank's family soared high into the air.

No way, I'll save you my cash ! Eddy, who had just come to his senses before anyone else, stepped in. With a lightning reflex, he jumped head first and caught the jar just before it shattered on the floor. Eddy wasn't very strong, but he could be swift and lithe when a situation called for it. The five boards weren't as lucky. To Jonny's misery, they ended up in the wood chipper he had noticed on his way in. No sooner said than done, Plank's family was cut to shreds.

"HOLY JUMPIN' BANANA BOATS ! Don't look, Plank." Squawked the lonely child as he hid his imaginary friend's fake eyes. "You murdered them, you idiots !" Jonny snapped at the Eds. "What an idea to ram into us, we were escaping too."

"Relax, baldy. It's nothing a little glue and a couple of nails won't fix." Eddy tempered. "So far we have a thornier issue to deal with, look !"

All eyes followed Eddy's finger-pointing direction to stumble upon the Kankers. Due to this pile-up, they had caught up and were only a few meters behind. As they realized that the loot that should have been well stashed in their mobile home had ended up in the scammer's hands, their anger escalated. They had been fooled big time, but it wouldn't last.

"RICK !" Pissed off the blue-haired goth girl. "I should have figured you were the real mastermind behind this whole shebang !" She accused him, even though he hadn't anticipated the Eds' intervention at all.

"Our dime ?" May gasped. "How did it get there ?"

"You're slow on the uptake, dumbass." Marie yelled. "Rick and that low-cost planet-sized head weirdo must have snatched it sneakily while the Eds kept us busy. They all ganged up on us ! Mom was right, give men some leeway and they'll tear your heart in two."

"I like schemers... But not when they target me." Lee snarled. "Attack !"

The three furies dashed towards the evaders, more precisely the smallest of them. As could easily be anticipated, their main goal was to get the sum held by Eddy. May swooped to tackle the grifter dwarf, but Rick pulled him out of the way in just the nick of time. In that same flash, he grabbed some darts that he "borrowed" from Marie and hurled them at the blonde. The young Kanker found herself flung and pinned against a large tree trunk. None of the shots had hurt her, just pierced her clothes.

"Cool, the same technique Dr. Borroz uses to capture the three-eyed Mutating Raven in the #23 comic book !" Ed exclaimed.

"Ey, that's not how cupid arrows are supposed to work !" May whined as she fidgeted in an effort to break free.

Now that Rick had Eddy on his shoulders, and Eddy had the money container seized, Lee and Marie went after him. The redhead tried to kick the Flicker in the stomach, but only met a vacuum. Rick had just jumped to dodge, bounced on Lee's head and did a somersault to get back on the ground. The elder Kanker grunted as she rubbed her hair, while Marie sprang into action. She engaged the Flicker with a punching combo that she had memorized from watching a boxing match on TV. She was pretty good for a self-taught brawler, but not good enough to outdo a Hooper disciple. Rick parried and dodged blows like he could predict them. No matter how stubborn Marie was, none of her strikes hit the mark.

"And now it's the same fighting style used by Commander Grunt to deal with the Korean Vampires." Ed remarked. "#57, a rare edition."

"This is too much violence for me to handle !" A shivering Edd panicked, hiding his eyes with his hat.

"Stop ducking my jabs and take your licks like a man !" Roared the blue-haired Kanker. That's what Mom said to Dad before he drove off...

Rick had just stepped back to evade her hook, then casually stretched his arm to block her roundhouse kick. Marie then tried to swipe his legs, but did so in vain, as Rick backflipped to get away. Then he did a sideways spin to dodge Lee's hammer kick. The Kanker pulverized the ground with her heel, but her target escaped. The two sisters were now working together to fight. They expected to get the upper hand, but they weren't used to coordinating their moves against someone with such speed. Rick soon noticed this and took advantage of it. He made sure to never be cornered and got the two Kankers to hamper and hurt each other trying to get at him.

His best trick occurred when Lee and Marie wanted to strike at the same time. The redhead started an uppercut, and the goth a side kick. When it came time, the Flicker moved aside from the path of both assaults by contorting his body. He did a twirl and took support on a caravan wall to throw himself farther. When his feet landed, both of his opponents collapsed together. Lee's fist had hit Marie's chin, while Marie's foot had shattered Lee's jaw. Eddy, still clinging to Rick's shoulders, was starting to become nauseous. He felt like riding the most ghastly roller coaster and was fading to green. Perhaps he no longer needed to visit Mondo A-Go Go to loop switchback.

"Woah, easy eel boy, I didn't pay for a zero gravity simulator." Eddy complained, though he was glad to see the Kankers in such a bad way. "Ha, in your crabby faces ! I hope you like karma's smell, you reeking cods." He taunted them with his exposed middle fingers.

"Don't stick your oar in, dwarf." Lee snapped. "You won't defeat a Kanker that easily !"

The duo took support on their shoulders to stand up on their feet, like two gymnasts. They planned to return fire, but meanwhile May had cut herself loose and was charging at Rick with her fist raised. The Flicker prepared to toss her over his shoulder as soon as she tried to snatch him from behind, but finally Jonny chose to take a swing.

"Go Super Plank, protect our samurai pal !" He said while throwing it towards the blonde.

Too focused on her target, May didn't mind the projectile and received it smack in her face. Then the board bounced off the young Kanker, flew over Eddy's head and landed right in Lee's hair. Nobody would have expected this, yet the ginger bully looked frightened and didn't even pay attention to the battle anymore. She shrieked and shook her noggin frantically, demanding whoever would remove this "awful woody thing" from her hair. Embarrassed by her sister's sudden unworthy behavior, Marie volunteered to assist her. No way in hell did they make a fool out of themselves in front of their new boyfriend/rival/wrestling-partner any longer.

"Big sis, you're fucking shaming us here !" The blue-haired punk huffed, as Rick and Eddy gave her disbelieving looks. "May, deal with these two annoyances while I help this crybaby."

"Stop chatting idly and pull it off !" Enraged Lee, wagging harder.

"All right wimp, hold still. Let me see." Marie pursued while initially untangling the red curls that clung to Plank. "Damn, your hair looks like a rainforest !"

"A rainforest rotten for centuries." The con boy pointed out with a giggle, which made Rick grin a bit.

The blonde had a bit of a headache after that startled shock, but she would need a lot more than that to keep her from fighting. She bent her knees for more momentum and leapt high in the air. She had recently replayed a pro wrestling show where a competitor was knocking out his opponent by crushing him with all his weight. This situation seemed like the perfect opportunity to try it herself. Alarmed and noticing that Rick wasn't moving, Eddy got off his shoulders in a hurry and took refuge behind Ed. But just as May nearly rammed into him, Rick laid on the ground and stretched his feet vertically. Hey, they never did that on TV ! The Kanker fussed as she dropped right onto the two dusty soles. Then the Flicker swung his legs sharply, forcefully catapulting his assailant.

May glided and hit her older sisters in the process like a bowling ball overturning the pins. Marie, who had just pulled Plank out of Lee's hair, flung him away in surprise. The shock was strong enough to eject the wicked trio into the red cart, which sped off under the impulse. Crammed together in their new, unwanted transportation, the Kankers vanished into the background, screaming and cursing. A loud thud told everyone that they had finally hit something, much to Eddy's delight. What a thrill to see his worst enemies so humiliated. Too bad he didn't have his big bro's camera along, here was a memory that should have been immortalized forever.

And I could have sold this video at auction, what a missed opportunity. The scammer grumbled, as a tire on the surely now battered cart rolled to steady itself and fall at his feet. A few meters beyond, the three pests had embedded themselves in some latrines and were no longer stirring, certainly stunned. Yep, a HUGE missed opportunity... Well, at least Ricky returned my hoard, it's better than nothing. He thought, grinning avidly. That victorious smile quickly turned into a furious scowl as Jonny snatched his treasure from his fingers.

"Hey, give that back !" He roared. "I show my customers the time of their lives and that's how you repay me ?!"

"Yeah, LITERALY, you smarty-pants killer !" The bald kid snorted back as he picked up his wooden friend. "We paid for a tourist agency, not a funeral service. Plank knows people and will gladly ruin your reputation !"

Then Jonny approached Rick and wanted to give him some coins to show his appreciation for saving the day.

"Don't feel compelled, lad. I assure you, it's really not necessary." The somewhat uncomfortable Flicker replied, shaking out his hands. "You've already lost a gamepad because of me, so don't waste your cash anymore."

"I already told you it's okay, I'll get another one for my birthday. It's a Plank gift, so accept it or he'll be disappointed. And when he's disappointed... He can become very scary."

"Ah..." Was all that Rick managed to say, a bit thwarted by the unexpectedly creepy way Jonny sounded in his last sentence. "So... If he insists, I won't be picky. Uh... Thanks Plank, that's cool." He added while putting the money in his pocket. Okay, there's definitely something wrong with this scrap of wood.

With Double D's good advice, the five guys scurried out of that grim RV park before its three most loathsome reps recovered and returned to the fray. Hanging around the Kankers for too long wasn't healthy and they had seen enough of their dirty mugs for one day. When they reached their avenue, Jonny left the group and headed for Rolf's farm. He had promised the Urban Ranger leader to help him with his chores fresh from the sightseeing tour. Rick wished he would get a similar excuse to bail, as he had to endure Eddy's bad temper since he had drawn another blank. He growled angrily and resisted insulting the whole world.

"I'm fed up, another wasted day ! Everything was going great before those damn witches showed up."

"Speaking of which, let's count ourselves lucky that we avoided a far more disastrous fate in their crooked fingers." Edd relativized. "Thanks Rick, you saved us. Sorry you had to deal with the Kankers just after your arrival. Sadly, we don't always choose our neighbors. When did you meet them ?"

"Before yesterday. They stole Plank and Jonny hired me to get him back." The Flicker replied. "It's definitely the first time I've come across nymphomaniacal bullies, it's quite disturbing."

"They are cuckoo ! You absolutely mustn't let them kiss you buddy, that's how they suck out their victims' life energy." Ed freaked out, chattering his teeth. "And they might infect you with their cooties !"

"Yuck… If they cling as much as their owners, better avoid them. Don't worry, I'll be careful." Rick reassured him.

Upon approaching the rotary that ended their street, Rick spotted his uncle's house looming nearby, and he quickly devised an excuse to slip inside. After so much turmoil, he wouldn't mind some privacy, free from Eds and Kankers. Sadly, Eddy narrowly stopped him and promptly asked him the killer question : "Ey Kung Flick, now that you've got some extra cash, could you buy your three buds a batch of Jawbreakers ?" The Flicker furrowed his brow and sighed in irritation. It bored him stiff to squander dough on confections that honestly looked disgusting. He wished there was some more useful and fun stuff he could do with that money, like... Oh, That's it ! Rick just found an idea that would make everyone happy.

Earlier, in front of the butcher shop, he had learned that the Eds were interested in visiting an amusement park he was familiar with. Rick had interned as a cleaner at Mondo A-Go Go last summer and had experienced a variant of Tantalus' torment, as he gazed at the many eye-catching coasters without being allowed to ride them. Going back as a customer would be a sweet revenge, and putting this odd trio in his luggage didn't faze him, as long as they kept out of trouble. Then Rick stated his offer to the three hustlers. He expected to deal with a grumpy Eddy who would prefer an immediate instead of a far-off reward, but even he seemed seduced by the whole thing. A trip to this park was high on his to-do list ever since he saw the commercials on TV, but his parents refused to take him there.

"Ah, here's a plan that I like." Eddy rejoices. "But wouldn't it be easier to ask Hooper directly ?"

"Wow, you really don't know him that well..." Rick warned him. "My uncle hates amusement parks, he sees them as a noisy, crowded sucker's traps. He'll never agree to waste his dough on that."

"Gee, seems like all the adults got the memo..." Eddy grated. "My folk feel likewise, the Sockhead ones think it's too violent and unsafe, and the Goofball ones shooed us off before we even asked them to buy tickets. They don't know how to enjoy anything good. So, when do we go ?"

"When we raise the required sum, and alas, we're still a long way from that." Rick brought him back to reality. "With that I bolt, I've got some stuff to do. See ya." He added while returning in his uncle's house.

The Eds team did the same, except they entered the shorter guy's house. The king of lousy scams had already refilled his stockpile of frenzied cons, and he couldn't wait to put one of them to good use.

To be continued