Author's note: New batch of updates from chapters 30-34 as of 13/10/2022. Update illustrations for chapter 29.
Update warning for genitals spanking.
Chapter 31
The aroma of freshly brewed coffee filled Gin's nostrils as he slowly stirred awake. The smell generated a sense of warmth and comfort until he looked down to find a soundly sleeping Vermouth still nestling in his arm.
Alarms in his head went off. Who made the coffee?
He sat up straight, waking up Vermouth. On his bare feet, he rushed downstairs, with Vermouth trailing closely behind to find Yukiko humming in his kitchen, a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. His kitchen. And the mess she made.
"Morning. Sorry, did I wake you up? I'm still getting used to the time difference," Yukiko cheerfully said.
Before his rage got out of hand, Vermouth quickly stepped in front of him and urged. "I'll make breakfast. Go. Work out. Take a shower."
Veins bulging from his balled-up fists. His glare darted at Yukiko, then down at Vermouth's hands on his chest before reluctantly making his way upstairs.
Vermouth sighed, aligning the handles of the carafe with the ceramic coffee dripper, fixing the minutely askew utensils. "He's very protective of his space. This is his space."
"I'm sorry, but it's just coffee." Yukiko looked puzzled, as she barely touched anything.
"Doesn't matter." He had killed people for less. However, Vermouth kept the distressing information to herself.
His obsessive nature grew since retiring to civilian life—a completely alien life to him. When plunged into an unfamiliar environment, he always tried to establish a routine—a sense of order. In turn, his routine promoted stability and control. Every day, he would wake up, work out, take a shower, make breakfast and coffee. It was one thing for his family to disrupt his routine, it was another for someone he didn't care about to do so.
"Sorry." Yukiko winced.
"I should've told you." It could've been ugly.
-o0o-
By the time Kate came downstairs, the adults had already had breakfast and gathered around the coffee table to watch the news. She stifled a yawn and greeted everyone. "Good morning!"
"Morning!" Yukiko said as enthusiastically as ever. It would take more than a hiccup to wane her cheery self.
Then something caught Kate's eyes. She stared at Yukiko who was sitting on the couch and enjoying some fruit. "Why are you peeling your grapes?"
Yukiko explained. "In Japan, we always peel grapes. You see, the skins can be thick and bitter."
"Oh," Kate said softly in realization, remembering her father's habit. "I thought daddy was being mean."
"Well, there's that too." Vermouth chuckled softly. "Daddy lived in Japan for a long time, baby."
Yukiko perked up, finally something she could relate to until Kate noticed her optimism and squashed it. "Mean daddy is not like you. He always makes mom peel them."
"Your mother doesn't have a problem. Why do you?" Gin smirked, leaning in tauntingly.
Kate huffed, leaving for her breakfast, refusing to dignify her father's victory with an answer.
Vermouth leaned down from behind him and asked. "Was that fun? Picking on a child? Your own child."
"It builds characters." He shrugged at his wife's eye-rolling.
Vermouth enveloped his neck in her arms and whispered. "If she turns into a serial killer, I will end you."
He grinned, puffed up by the empty threat. That woman didn't have the heart to nick his skin last night, let alone killed him.
Yukiko puzzledly watched the muffled exchange until she felt something squirming at her backside. Jumping out of her skin, she stood up and stared at a ball of moving orange fur. "What's that?"
"It's Katie's toy." Vermouth sighed and called out. "Sweetie, you have to clean up after playing."
"Sorry mommy," Kate said, shoving cereal in her mouth, trying to look busy, knowing full well that her mother would likely pick up after her.
Yukiko picked up the toy and marveled when it squeaked at her. "Is it one of those robot pets?"
Vermouth said, "Yes."
"It's been what? Two weeks and she's already got tired of it." He sneered. The girl wouldn't have left it lying around on the couch otherwise.
"Now you have an excuse whenever she asks for a dog." Vermouth smirked and then beamed with pride. "Besides, she still loves my gift." It was well worth the effort of making the stuffed doll from scratch.
"Because it annoys me." The thing was in his image, whether Kate knew it or not. He had foregone his favorite fedora and trenchcoat since his retirement, which meant the girl had never seen him in that getup.
"Your point being?" Vermouth smirked. Annoying him was the idea.
He glared daggers at her ever-taunting smile, only to frustrate himself further.
"Speaking of which, Katie asked for more dresses for him to change."
"You're going to buy clothes for a doll?" He glowed red, looking at Vermouth as if she was an alien.
"Why not? I did," Yukiko said, then immediately flinched from the grumpy man's glare.
"What is this sick, twisted game? Why do you insist on dressing it up?" He growled.
"Because it's cute." Yukiko blinked, baffled by his anger.
Meanwhile, Vermouth went above and beyond to annoy him. "If only you would wear one."
"You're going shopping?" Kate brightened up. "Can I go?"
"You have school." He pointed out, taking joy in crushing her hope.
"Aw." Kate pouted, stirring her cereal.
"We'll get something cute for you." Vermouth made her way to her daughter and kissed her bountiful locks. "Maybe that dress you like."
"Yes, please." Kate beamed. "The yellow one with ribbons, not the white."
"I remember." Vermouth smiled.
He asked, "We?"
"Yukiko and I are going shopping later," Vermouth said matter-of-factly.
"Just the two of you?" And they were willing to miss out on a golden chance to make his life hell. His suspicions deepened.
"Yes." Vermouth drawled, puzzledly looking at him. He should be over the moon for not having to accompany them.
"You're not making me tag along?"
"No."
"Why?"
Vermouth let out an incredulous chuckle. "Why what? You hate shopping."
"I'd like the options." He crossed his arms. Even he didn't believe his own words.
"What options? To say no?" Vermouth laughed hysterically.
"Maybe, I'll say yes."
"You want to go shopping with me and Yukiko?" Vermouth's eyes widened in disbelief. Meanwhile, Yukiko stopped eating and gawked at him as if he had sprouted a second head.
While every cell in his body cringed, he gritted his teeth and uttered a single word. "Yes." He left these women last night for half an hour and came back to a screen of gyrating bulging g-strings. A notion he never wanted in his mind in the first place. The thought of them alone for a whole morning or worse, a whole day was too much to bear.
"Sure, if that's what you want." Vermouth stressed the last word and pecked his cheek.
-o0o-
Gin's imagination paled in comparison with reality. He had survived shopping with Vermouth before. How bad could it be? He simply waited around with mind-numbing boredom and carried a small mountain of bags. That was his thought until the women insisted that he tried on every piece of clothing under the sun.
He scowled at his new navy turtleneck and camel chinos in one of the many mirrors installed in the store. "I thought the shopping was for the two of you."
"Since you're here. Of course, you're going to get the full experience." Vermouth's chin rested comfortably on his shoulder from behind. She grinned, admiring his handsome reflection.
"I can dress myself."
"Your wardrobe depresses me. The same pair of pants and sweaters don't count." Vermouth turned to her friend, seeking an ally. "You've seen him, Yukiko. He wore black one day, white the other. It's like I'm living with a checkerboard. And in the summer, he just switched his sweaters for shirts."
"No." Yukiko was flabbergasted; her jaw went slack. Then, she frowned and pondered seriously, her hand stroking her chin. They were dealing with the worst of all terminal fashion cases. Here she thought her son's fashion sense was horrid. "I don't think one day is enough."
"We must try," Vermouth said solemnly, but a twinkle in her eyes gave her amusement away.
Yukiko ranted at the store clerks, demanding every variety available. The clerks couldn't stop smiling, at the ladies' beck and call. The commission alone from their purchases could pay for someone's mortgage. Yukiko asked Vermouth, "Why did you wait until now to fix it?" It was clearly a deep-seated problem bothering her friend for years.
"Let's say that I was distracted." Vermouth sighed, watching a young female clerk blush at Gin while she was handing him some clothes.
"I see now. He's cute." Yukiko nodded. "In a brooding and dangerous manner."
"A long time ago, some friends of mine asked him to model for their fashion shows." Vermouth chuckled.
He growled. "You told them that I was your nephew and that I was underage."
"You're pissed because I crushed your budding modeling career?" Vermouth arched an eyebrow at the ridiculous notion. "Besides, you were eighteen. Technically a teenager."
"They were serving twenty years old scotch. You got me a mocktail with fruit and a little umbrella." He used to accompany and chauffeur the great Sharon Vineyard to functions and parties. He stood there watching people down the precious amber nectar while he was stuck with the baby of drink. Even years later, the pain was still with him.
Yukiko covered her mouth, snickering quietly at the absurd mental image.
"My umbrellas worked. They kept the big bad wolves away." Vermouth grinned ear to ear. It was her bright idea. Gin might be handsome now, but he was jaw-dropping gorgeous then.
"Because they thought I was gay." He growled. The only people who hit on him were men, and no straight woman would even consider approaching a man holding such a colorful drink. They wanted a date, not a sister. "And who protected me from you?"
"Poor thing. You got laid. What a terrible tragedy! How could you ever go on?" Vermouth mocked him with exaggerated empathy as Yukiko's snicker pierced his ears and dramatically worsened his expression. "My task was to train and safeguard you. Task accomplished."
"How was getting your dry cleaning or holding your purse training?" He snarled.
Vermouth glanced at her purse in his hand and smirked triumphantly. "Don't you see? It serves you so well now."
And his expression crumbled as he recalled his life before and after her.
"And you learned to cook just fine," Vermouth said matter-of-factly.
"With your Walther PPK pointing at my back." He barked, recalling the steel gun's barrel aiming for him.
"And how fast did you learn?" Vermouth smirked while his expression darkened. Nothing was more motivating than a bullet.
Yukiko's eyes gradually widened in disbelief. The heavy implication tossed her worldview into question. One hand covered her mouth, the other grabbed Vermouth's arm. She lowered her volume and said, "You didn't? That's harsh."
"Yukiko, look at him." Vermouth gently placed her hands on her friend's shoulders and turned Yukiko toward her grumpy man. "Do you honestly think that kind words and encouragement worked on him? They had to fish his other mentor out of a river."
Yukiko was speechless because she began to agree. With violence.
"You think he's difficult now? You should have met him twenty years ago." Vermouth added the final nails in his coffin.
"You did what you must." Yukiko nodded.
Vermouth grinned at him, taking out her phone to commemorate her victory. "I almost forget, smile."
"Do you have to take a picture every time I change?" He squeezed his eyes shut in defeat and inhaled deeply.
"But you look so cute," Vermouth said innocently, savoring his annoyance.
"Do you want to do suits next?" Yukiko suggested.
"I can't. He's ruined suits for me." Vermouth gritted her teeth, turning his frown upside down.
"What? How could anyone ruin suits?" Yukiko incredulously asked.
"I don't want to talk about it, Yukiko." Vermouth internally cringed. Thanks to him, every time she saw a suit, she immediately thought of her son.
-o0o-
Gin was standing behind the chatting actresses in an absurdly long line for the cashier, hauling a mountain of clothes when a caroling group approached. The carolers were dressed in the most festive costumes from centuries past, with top hats taller than a newborn baby and bodices filled with ruffles. Soft and joyful melodies resonated through the air, drawing everyone's attention.
From afar, Gin and Vermouth looked like a loving couple whispering sweet nothings to each other. However, Yukiko could attest that there was nothing merry about their conversation.
"I'd stomp on their obnoxious hats first. Then, I'd break their noses, strangle the wenches, and snap their necks like twigs." He glowered at the cheerful people who were clueless about the danger lurking in the crowd.
"Resist the urge." Vermouth kept a hand steady on his back, stroking along his spine, and deliberately shifting his attention to her by blocking his view.
"I hate carolers." The muscles in his jaw tightened, his glare piercing.
"I've noticed." Vermouth's lips quirked up. "Deep breath." She drawled, getting his flaring nostrils to subside. Her sweet smile disguised his menace while they waited patiently for the singing to die down. Finally, she said, "And they're gone."
Yukiko stared at him unblinkingly, like a deer in the headlights.
"What? You've never had the urge to shut their annoying traps." He looked rather puzzled while Yukiko shook her head fervently, clutching her purse in horror.
"Most people don't, Gin." Vermouth chuckled, then whispered in Yukiko's ear. "He hates Christmas."
"What is there to hate?" Yukiko gasped, dumbfounded.
He groaned in agony as the prospect of his foreseeable future became clear. He was, essentially, trapped. Given the options between the women tag-teaming him and a bullet, he took the bullet every time. In fact, he would take two in the head if it meant the pain stopped.
"Where do I begin?" Vermouth drawled. "He hates the ornaments. Because they were too shiny."
"The only thing that should be shining is the hood of my car." He fired back. His usual menace diminished somewhat by the pile of garments coming up to his chin.
"And don't even get him started on Santa." Vermouth shook her head, exhaling slowly.
"What's wrong with Santa?" Yukiko screeched. Her voice reached an impossibly high pitch. She was utterly appalled.
"What are you teaching my daughter? Hopping on a stranger's lap for presents. And we're paying him? Or, it's okay for him to break into my house just because he's giving her gifts." He sneered.
"Thus, Katie has never met Santa," Vermouth said.
"And she never will." He smirked.
"Monster!" Yukiko exclaimed, grasping Vermouth's arm. "How could you let him?"
"He wore me down. It was a very long week." Vermouth sighed. Besides, he made a good point. With their laundry lists of enemies around the globe, their kid couldn't afford to let her guard down around strangers. "Then there's the hunting. And I don't mean hunting for gifts."
"Hunting? You mean with guns?" Yukiko was horrified.
"The only good thing about reindeer is that I can shoot them." He bared his teeth wolfishly, making Yukiko pale. "Don't judge until you've had fresh kills."
"I don't mind shooting things for dinner. I have a problem with sleeping bags and flea-ridden cabins in the middle of nowhere." Vermouth retorted.
"The flea was one time."
Vermouth cupped his cheek, taking pleasure in the tension in his jaw. "I wanted to mount your head on the wall. But then I fought the urge. You can too." She turned to Yukiko and said sarcastically, "A productive December so far which brings us to the tree. If you wonder why we haven't decorated yet, it is because of his many, many silly rules."
"One Christmas tree. What's so hard to understand? One, un, ein, uno, いち, 一 [1]. I'll say it in as many languages as you want. One tree only." He was adamant about not repeating the fiasco of years past when that woman brought a whole forest inside the house. They were in the middle of ironing out the decorating details when Yukiko arrived.
"Even the small ones?" Yukiko's jaw dropped.
"Yes, one house, one tree or so he says," Vermouth said solemnly. Suddenly, a rack of sweaters nearby caught her eye. A wicked smile bloomed on her lips sending chills down his spine. "Alright Gin, you'll get to decide on the decoration if and only if you wear those sweaters for a week." Her finger pointed at the tacky sweaters with giant trees on the front, taunting him. "Let's suffer together, shall we?"
"I hate Christmas." His shoulders slumped.
"That's the spirit," Vermouth cheerfully said, piling a bunch of sweaters on top of him.
-o0o-
Shuichi Akai was merrily pushing his shopping cart down the food aisle when the sight of a tall, blond man in a sweater caught him off guard. The ugliest Christmas sweater he had ever seen. He was rendered stupefied and almost rammed into a fellow shopper. After some quick apologies, he made a beeline for the man standing by the jam aisle. "Let me guess. Shopping with Vermouth?"
The man slammed the jars back and glared at Akai.
"What did you do?" Akai asked. Vermouth might be over the top, but she had style. She wouldn't have let her man set one foot out of the house wearing something so horrid.
"It's for not letting her turn my house into a forest," Gin said through gritted teeth.
"You don't want trees, so she turns you into one. Poetic justice." Akai mused out loud with far too much joy in his tone, adding fuel to the fire. "How long do you have to wear it?"
"A week."
"Ah, forest it is." Akai grinned, having no faith in his nemesis.
"I can wear this stupid thing for a week." Gin barked.
"Certainly." Akai smiled knowingly, implying otherwise.
Inhaling deeply, Gin resisted the urge to put holes in the walls with his fist and took advantage of the situation. "You know her? Yukiko."
"Yes."
"How long has she been insane?" Gin eloquently put.
Akai chuckled and dismissed the insult as the man's mere frustration talking. "She's the nicest, sweetest lady I've ever met."
"I thought the one perk of someone like Vermouth was that I never had to deal with in-laws." Gin pressed his lips into a thin line with barely contained frustration. Goodbye to his blissful unencumbered years.
"Technically, …" Akai trailed off and switched his tone when he sensed something dark seeping out of Gin. "But I see your point." Surprisingly, Yukiko maintained her love and affection for Vermouth even after learning about the violent past.
"She waltzed into my home and hijacked my life."
"I'm sure it has nothing to do with you trying to kill her son." Akai sarcastically shed some light on Gin's predicament. He pulled up a picture on his phone and showed the other man. "While I still have attention, what do you think of this?"
"Tableware. Why?" Gin frowned, baffled.
Akai should have known it was a mistake to ask. "Okuizome set for my son's first meal [2]. He's going to celebrate it with his cousin. Didn't I tell you? We're going back to Japan to celebrate Christmas and New Year." His nephew was born right around Hikaru's birth. Hence why they couldn't visit. In the spirit of making up for lost time, the whole family decided to celebrate the holiday together.
"Cousin? Your sister is still in college."
"My brother's son." Akai growled in disbelief.
"Brother? There are more of you?"
"Thanks for nothing," Akai sarcastically said, then a frown graced his expression. "You really didn't get a word I said?"
"You thought I was?" Gin smirked.
"Yes, very believable." Akai had to give the man his credit.
"You haven't been with a woman long enough." It was a survival skill stemming from being married. He couldn't care less about plans not involving his time or his money.
"Yet you still can't solve your problem." Akai retorted amid Gin's burning glare. "If you don't want Mrs. Kudo around, talk to Vermouth."
"You're still living with your mother. How's that talk going?" Gin crossed his arms, donning a smug smile.
Akai took a deep breath to quell his anger. "My mother lives with me. I pay the bills."
"Sure." Gin's smugness only soared.
"She's my mother. I can't kick her out."
"Sure."
"You've met her." Akai gritted his teeth. Mary was a woman who got her way regardless.
"Chicken." Gin's eyes twinkled, a graceful smile on his lips.
"I see. Mrs. Kudo is making your life miserable, so you're making my life miserable." Akai pointed out, catching on to the true intentions.
"She's only been here twenty two hours, twenty four minutes." Gin looked at his watch. "And ten seconds. I've already wanted to bash my head against the wall."
"It can't be that bad." Akai fondly remembered Yukiko. She was a pillar of delight and warmth. He genuinely enjoyed spending time with her as Subaru Okiya.
"Yesterday, your sweet lady watched Magic Mike with Vermouth." Gin sneered.
"Voluntarily?" Akai's eyes widened.
"It was her idea," Gin painfully said.
"Do you need a drink? A smoke?" Akai truly sympathized with Gin's plight. He couldn't fathom the thought of watching men undressing with his wife and mother. "A … therapist?"
"I need a lobotomy and my house back." Gin snarled, shaking his head. "The worst was listening to them."
"I'm afraid to ask." Trepidation filled Akai.
"Do you know what women talk about? Really talk about?" Gin scanned Akai up and down. "Everything."
"You don't say." Akai was petrified at the implication while still clinging to a straw of hope.
"Everything." Gin smirked, mischief flashing in his eyes. "Isn't Akemi close to Sherry? I bet they talk for hours and hours."
"No! Akemi would never."
"I would never what?" Akemi approached her husband from behind, holding two bags of frozen peas, plunging the former FBI agent into the depth of despair.
"A movie I watched yesterday. You'll love it. But he disagrees." Gin grinned victoriously. He had timed it perfectly.
"What movie?" Akemi asked.
"NO!" Akai bellowed, only for his wife's hurt expression to make him come to his senses. "No. I mean. It's quite violent. A lot of blood and gore."
"Oh," Akemi innocently said.
Gin softly said to Akai as he walked past the couple, "Everything."
An evil deed a day kept the doctor at bay.
-o0o-
Gin opened the door to be welcomed by his lovely daughter.
However, it was Conan Edogawa's face that greeted him; and to make it worse, she was wearing a yellow dress. "Daddy, am I handsome?"
"What the hell? I only left for two hours." Gin glowered at the chirpy women sitting on the couch. Consumed by anger, he forgot to drop the grocery on the counter and brought the bags with him as he made a beeline for the ladies.
"Yukiko is showing me some of her tricks." Vermouth admired the latex mask in her hands. "This is ingenious."
"Thank you, Sharon. You're too kind," Yukiko said with false modesty. In fact, she was very proud of her work.
"They're very easy. Even Katie can put them on by herself."
"But these only last for a couple of hours." They whipped up a few simple masks just for the girl to play with. The proper ones were more complicated and required a lot more work. Still, the new techniques were a great improvement.
"You can't dress up your son so you dress up my daughter." Gin growled.
"Mean daddy. We're having fun." Kate sulked, climbing on her mother's lap when her debut fell flat. "Can we do animals next?"
"Sure, baby." Vermouth placed a soft kiss on the top of Kate's head.
To think living with one master of disguise was a pain; try living with two with a third in training. It was one thing for Vermouth to dress as a man and toy with him, it was another for his daughter to do the same. And worse, there was nothing he could do. His future looked bleak.
Life is pain. Gin thought to himself.
-o0o-
Everything. The word echoed in Akai's mind.
Propping up against a pillow, Akai was on his bed, trying to relax with a good book, but Gin had sown the seed of doubt in his mind. Subconsciously, his eyes darted to his wife who was busy giggling on the phone in a hushed tone. His doubt deepened.
Finally, after Akemi said goodbye to her sister, he asked, "What were you talking about?"
"Girl's stuff. You don't want to know." Akemi softly pecked his cheek and nestled under the blanket.
An alarm went off in his mind. "Do you talk about us?"
"Yes, she wants to know everything."
"Everything? What do you mean everything?"
Sensing something was amiss, she sat up. "What's wrong?"
He grabbed her shoulders. "Do you talk about us? Intimately."
"What?" She was baffled before her eyes slowly widened. She gasped, horrified. "NO! She's my sweet innocent baby sister."
"Well, she's an adult now. So I—" Before he could finish his sentence, he had a face full of pillows.
"My. Sweet. Innocent. Baby. Sister!" She was furious, tapping into her inner mama bear, whacking him with all her might. "How dare you!"
Shielding his head with his hands, he cursed internally. Damn you, Gin!
-o0o-
[1] One, un, ein, uno, いち, 一. One in English, French, German, Spanish, Japanese, and Chinese.
[2] Okuizome literally means eating for the first time. It is celebrated around the 100th day after the baby's birth with family, relatives, and friends, in hopes for the baby's health and that the baby will never go without food throughout his/her life.
-o0o-