Harry: Why won't you guys take me seriously? Malfoy has become a Death Eater.
Hermione: Harry, how many times have we assumed he was up to something and it turns out he was just being an asshole?
Harry: And at some point, the theory will prove correct.
Hermione: Unlikely.
Ron: I believe you Harry.
Harry: Well, it's not much, but it's a start.
Ron: And as a thank you for believing you, would you like to…
Harry: No.
Ron: *shrugging* Worth a shot.
Harry: No it wasn't.
Lavender: Hi Ron *giggles as she walks past*
Harry: Huh…that was odd.
Ron: For some reason, my heart skipped a beat when she said my name. I wonder if it's because I looked away from you for a second.
Harry: You didn't look away from me though.
Ron: Huh…wonder what it was then?
Hermione: *though gritted teeth* It had better be nothing.
Harry: Don't you mean 'it's probably nothing'?
Hermione: I know what I said.
Harry: Right…
*meanwhile, watching nearby*
Ginny: Excellent. If someone as oblivious to others as my brother can be affected by the *gags* love *gags again* potion that I slipped him and the airhead, then it should work for me.
*back with the trio*
McGonagall: Alright you three, let's get your N.E.W.T. subjects sorted out.
Hermione: Professor, since I got a passing mark in everything, can I just continue with what I already had?
McGonagall: Sure. Less work for me.
Harry: So, I assume I'll be studying Charms, Defence Against the Dark Arts, Herbology, and Transfiguration?
McGonagall: And Potions.
Harry: I thought I needed to have an O in Potions.
Ron: Don't worry Harry, I can give you an O in…
McGonagall: Weasley, stop being gross. And Potter, under Professor Snape you needed an O. However, Professor Slughorn realised how much of an asshole his predecessor was, and is willing to include anyone with an E as well.
Harry: I just can't escape that subject, can I?
McGonagall: No you can't.
Ron: But I can.
McGonagall: Potter, drag Weasley to the dungeons when you go to Potions today.
Harry: You want him to do Potions as well?
McGonagall: Whatever's more torturous for him, I don't care. I have to deal with Longbottom still *shudders*
Neville: Oh, come on, I didn't do that bad did I?
McGonagall: I'm still trying to figure out how you got this far in your education.
Neville: Hey, I helped at the Ministry.
McGonagall: I refuse to believe that.
Harry: Then don't.
McGonagall: Anyway, it says here were did well in Charms and Herbology, of all things, but why do you not want to do Charms?
Neville: My gran says the subject's for pussies.
McGonagall: Well, if you're such a big strong man who can stand up to Death Eaters, maybe start by standing up to your gran.
Neville: Pretty sure Death Eaters is the step before gran.
McGonagall: Look, just take the damn class, you're barely qualified to be at this level as it is, you may as well take what you can get.
Neville: That's only two classes.
McGonagall: Fine, you can go to Defence Against the Dark Arts too.
Neville: WITH SNAPE?! Are you fucking serious?
McGonagall: No, he's dead.
Harry: Stuck in the past.
McGonagall: You just keep telling yourself that while you learn Defence Against the Dark Arts from the last person who should be teaching it.
Harry: Wait, even you agree with that?
McGonagall: Snape himself agreed with that. But then Dumbledore…
Harry: Say no more.
*Defence Against the Dark Arts*
Snape: Okay students, wands away.
Harry: Are you really going to start your lesson with the exact same words Umbridge started her first lesson with?
Snape: Yes Potter, because I want you to keep your wands away until I give you your instructions for the lesson, then you may get them out. Ten points from Gryffindor for comparing me to that woman.
Seamus: Do I need to put both my wands away?
Snape: Yes, Mr. Finnigan. And if I see THAT wand out again, I'm going to snap it.
Seamus: I'm not sure which wand THAT refers to, but I'm intrigued to find out.
Dean: *zipping him up* No, you're not.
Seamus: Spoilsport.
Snape: Now that we're done being stupid…
Harry: But Ron's still here.
Snape: …we can begin. Who knows anything about non-verbal spells? *ignores Hermione's hand in the air* Anyone? Anyone at all?
Harry: Hermione, surely by now you know that Snape's just going to ignore you.
Hermione: I know, it's just my natural reaction when a teacher asks a question to put my hand up. And who knows, maybe this time…
Snape: No.
Hermione: Worth a shot.
Snape: Non-verbal spells are spells cast while not speaking…
Harry: No shit Sherlock.
Snape: If you knew the answer, why didn't you answer the question when I asked it?
Harry: Would you have picked me if I did?
Snape: No, but at least it would have proved you're not a complete idiot.
Harry: Excuse me? How many people in this class got an O in their O.W.L.?
Ron: I can give you an O in… *gets smacked by Harry*
Snape: Your O.W.L. mark is the only reason you're in this class. But, since you're so insistent that you're the best *pulls out his wand to blast Harry with a spell*
Harry: PROTEGO! *Snape's spell rebounds, knocking him backwards*
Snape: I thought I told you we were practicing non-verbal spells, Potter.
Harry: You haven't taught us how to do them. And neither did the two other teachers who actually knew what they were doing.
Snape: *confused* Okay, I'll concede the werewolf actually managed to teach you kids something, but who's the other one? Quirrell?
Harry: No idea, we never saw his classes. I was talking about Crouch.
Snape: You're praising the actual Death Eater as a decent teacher?
Harry: …I mean, as evil as he turned out to be, he did actually teach stuff.
Snape: Detention, Potter, for saying something concerning about an actual psychopath. Saturday night.
Harry: I hope you're as kinky as Dolly was.
Snape: …why do I feel like I'm going to regret this?
*later*
Hermione: Did you seriously just praise Barty Crouch after he tried to kill you?
Harry: Hey, he was also nice enough to help me through the Tournament.
Hermione: BECAUSE HE WAS TRYING TO KILL YOU!
Harry: And did a terrible job of it, given that I'm still alive.
Student: Hey Harry, Dumbledore told me to give you this.
Harry: Oh, thanks. And who are you?
Student: It's me *Harry stares at him blankly* Jack Sloper *Harry continues to stare at him blankly* I was on the Quidditch team last year *Harry continues to stare at him blankly* I was a Beater *Harry continues to stare at him blankly* You know, after Umbridge kicked the twins off the team?
Harry: You realise I also wasn't on the team, right?
Jack: I thought you'd at least know who was on the team.
Harry: I hardly remember that Katie Bell is on the team, and I've played with her the whole time I've been here.
Jack: Asshole *leaves*
Ron: What does the note say, Harry?
Dumbledore's note: Dear Harry, I know damn well that you have detention with Snape on Saturday night, which is why I'm organising our first lesson together for then. I outrank him, therefore it's fine. I'm sure Snape will be very forgiving – Dumbledore.
Harry: Well, that's going to come back and bite me in the RON, IT'S A FIGURE OF SPEECH, NOT A COMMAND!
Ron: *standing back up* Aww…
Hermione: So, what do you think Dumbledore's going to teach you?
Harry: I'm pretty sure he's just going to remind me that it's my fault Sirius is dead, even though he's not…
Ron: But he isn't coming back, which is effectively the same thing.
Harry: …that's it, we're going to the dungeons.
Ron: Harry, I didn't know you were into that sort of thing.
Harry: Because you're being signed up for Potions.
Ron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*in Potions*
Slughorn: Hello students, welcome to N.E.W.T. level Potions. I'm your new teacher, Professor Slughorn. Now, you'll notice I've put a few different types of Potions around the room. If you'd like to identify them…
Hermione: Well, that one's Veritaserum, better known as truth serum. That one's Amortentia, or love potion. And that one's Polyjuice Potion.
Slughorn: Very good, young lady. Ten points to Gryffindor. May I ask your name?
Hermione: Hermione Granger, sir.
Slughorn: Granger, Granger…nope, can't say I remember a witch or wizard with that name.
Hermione: I'm a muggleborn, sir.
Slughorn: Oh…and yet, none of you wizardborns were able to outdo her?
Ron: She's smarter than us.
Draco: Speak for yourself.
Hermione: You lost too, Malfoy.
Draco: Shut up, or I'll…
Hermione: Tell your father, who may or may not be dropping the soap right now?
Draco: …bitch.
Crabbe: Gah?
Draco: Yes, I know it's not the best comeback. I'd like to see you come up with something better though.
Goyle: Duh?
Draco: Huh…that would have been a good one.
Harry: As entertaining as it is to see how Malfoy's been outsmarted by Goyle, of all people…
Draco: Fuck off, Potter.
Harry: …is no-one going to say anything about the fact that the teacher has a cauldron of Polyjuice Potion in the room? Isn't that illegal?
Slughorn: *carefully tipping the Polyjuice Potion down a drain* You saw nothing.
Seamus: Hey Professor, what's that gold one on your desk?
Harry: Seamus, how the fuck are you even in this class?
Seamus: Because this class is the easiest one for me to hurt my dick in, so I made damn sure to excel in it.
Slughorn: This, children, is Felix Felicis, also known as…
Hermione: Liquid luck.
Slughorn: Is she always like this?
Entire class, including Hermione: Yes.
Slughorn: *muttering* Why did I come out of retirement?
Hermione: Of course, it can't create real luck. That would be preposterous.
Slughorn: Preposterous? So I assume it was preposterous of me to milk all those leprechauns to make this?
Harry: Aren't leprechauns humanoid?
Slughorn: Yeah, and?
Harry: …no further questions.
Slughorn: Anyway, whoever brews the best Draught of Living Death will be given a vial of Felix Felicis to use on whatever day you wish.
Seamus: Really? So, like, an exam day, or…
Slughorn: …I mean, officially that's illegal, so I can't condone that. With that said, if you do use it for something like that, you didn't get it from me, agreed?
Ron: Professor, me and Harry don't have books for this class, since we didn't know we were taking this until today.
Harry: Who said you could talk?
Slughorn: Here's a couple of old textbooks until you can get your own *slams a couple of decrepit books on the desk*
Ron: Dibs on this one, it's in better condition.
Harry: It doesn't even have a spine.
Ron: Silly Harry, books don't have spines, only people.
Harry: No part of that is even close to correct.
Slughorn: Okay, you may begin.
Harry: *opening his book* God damn it, whoever owned this before me wrote all over the inside of it.
Ron: Well, it looks like I'll win this then *immediately adds something to his cauldron that makes it explode*
Harry: Let's see…so, the book says to cut up a Sopophorous bean, but for some reason the guy who owned this says to crush it with a knife. Well, what would that idiot know? *attempts to cut his bean, only to break his knife* Well, that sucks *thinks about it a moment* Well, I've never known mysterious writing in a magical book to mislead me before *crushes bean with a piece of the knife, and the bean bleeds more juice than he needs* Huh, neat.
Hermione: *struggling to cut her bean* How did you do that?
Harry: *dropping the juice in his cauldron* Magic.
Hermione: Harry, you know there's no such thing.
Harry: *adding a clockwise stir after every seventh counter-clockwise stir* Sorry, can't hear you over my successful potion brewing.
Hermione: We'll see who's successful when I make the best version of this potion.
*at the end of class*
Slughorn: And the winner for the best Draught of Living Death is Harry Potter.
Harry: Hey Hermione, you were saying?
Hermione: Son of a bitch.
Harry: Thank you *turns to the back cover of the book* Half-Blood Prince? Huh, weird name. I wonder who it was. Oh well, it's probably not important to the story.