Ch 121: Professor Lori
Here is a parody of the episode: Professor Squidward. And this chapter takes place before the
episode "Selfie Improvement" where Lori and Carol become friends, so it's a flashback chapter.
There hasn't been much of Lori in these recent chapters now that she's in college but I'm hoping I can find more roles for her in the future. With that info out of the way, please read and review and I'll be back with a Halloween chapter.
1 year ago
[Transitions to an outside view of the Fairway University. Inside, on the stage is Carol Pingey. Flowers are being thrown to her]
Carol: Thank you. [she bows] Thank you. [she catches a flower and sniffs it] Ah.
[Lori, in her usual attire, watches, irritated, in the audience. A male student next to her leans over her]
Boy: Isn't it grand?
Lori: What is?
Boy: She's an amazing college professor. She doesn't even have to be tutored for it! [Carol kept thanking the audience.]
Lori: Alright, I've had enough! [She stands up and walks out] Bunch of nonsense!
Headmaster: Why, here she comes now.
Headmistress: [gasps] It is her!
Lori: Huh?
Headmistress: Aren't you the esteemed Carol Pingrey?
Lori: No, I am not, nor would I ever want to be! I am quite content being Lori L. Loud.
Headmistress: Oh, dear. Well, that's too bad.
Lori: Why?
Headmistress: Because I'm head matron at an esteemed college in town and thought if you were Carol Pingrey, I would offer you the high-paying and prestigious opportunity to come there and teach your very own class of your choice.
Lori: My very own class? Did you say "Carol Pingrey"?
Headmistress: Yes.
Lori: That's me.
Headmistress: But didn't you just say a minute ago that your name was Lori L. Loud?
Lori: Nah. Made a mistake. I'm Carol.
Headmistress: Well, that's a relief. I mean, what kind of a moron would go to their worst enemy's award ceremony?
Headmaster: A very pathetic one, that's whom. [both laugh]
Lori: [pretends to laugh] Oh.
Headmistress: Well, good evening, Professor Lori.
Lori: Who? Ha, um, uh, and a good evening to you as well. [runs off]
Headmaster: Hmm, weird girl.
Headmistress: Very peculiar.
[Transitions to Lori's classroom in a random college building. Inside, Lori, wearing a large white curly wig, enters the classroom]
Lori: [clears throat] Good evening, students. Now, our first…
Students: Good evening, Professor.
Lori: As I was saying, our first…
[A student puts his hand up]
Lori: Yes?
Student: Aren't you going to write your name on the board like most professors do?
Lori: My-my name? What for?
Billy: Well, you know, it just seems like teachers usually write their names on the board the first day of class.
Lori: Sure.
[She writes down Carol's name to avoid making the people suspicious of her.]
Lori: Good. Now I would like to…
Lincoln: [laughing and pointing at Lori] Hey, look! It's Lor... [Lori quickly puts her hand over Lincoln's mouth, cutting off the rest of his speech]
Lori: The name is Carol.
Clyde: But you're actuall… [Lori covers his mouth as well]
Lori: [nervously] Didn't you two twits know? I have my name legally changed to Carol Pingrey. And you are to refer to me only as Professor Carol from now until the end of time. Now blink twice so I know you understand. [Lincoln and Clyde blink twice] Okay, good. [Clyde blinks one more time] Hey, he blinked three times!
Lincoln: Wow, only eight minutes in and we've already been given a math quiz. Very advanced class, huh, Clyde?
Clyde: I'll say.
Lori: Would you two twerps mind telling me what you're doing here anyway?
Lincoln: Oh, right. About that, Me and Clyde are having to do community service. And while we're here, we're attending one day at college.
Lori: What did you two do this time?
Clyde: It's too long to say what it is. To keep it simple, some rabbits were involved in harming people.
Lincoln: Now, if you don't mind, we will be outside doing our community service. [the boys walk out]
[Transitions to later in the classroom]
Lori: [clears throat] As you may not be aware, there can be certain times when... [jackhammer noises] life gets hard... [jackhammer noises] for you if... [Noises occur as Lori scowls] ..if you're not prepared for it... [noises, Lori stomps over to the window.] Lincoln, do you mind?! There are other people here besides you, you know. And I don't think they appreciate you depriving them of my wisdom!
Lincoln: [sighs] Sorry, Professor Carol. [Lincoln winks at Lori] The ground here is bumpy.
Clyde: He's not lying. It's hard to do work here.
Lori: You expect me to believe that?
Clyde: Naturally, yes.
[Lori rolls her eyes and goes back to teaching the class.]
Lori: As I was saying, life is hard for those that can't be prepared for it.
[More jackhammer noises are being heard. Lori's had enough of it. She stomped out the door, and a few minutes later, she came back. Lincoln and Clyde got tied up to a tree.]
Lori: There. Where was I? Oh, yeah. To help you become beginners for the real world…
[Sawing noises are heard. Lori was baffled when she looked out the window. Lincoln and Clyde are sawing branches of a tree.]
Clyde: Good thing this saw came in handy.
[Lori dropped her jaw. Transitions to the next scene.]
Lori: Now, what we are going to do is some trust exercises. Each of you will be behind one person. One of you will try to fall, while the other is assigned to catch that person.
[Everyone prepares to do the trust falls. Lori is even part of it. Bobby was going to catch her, but as she falls, Lincoln and Clyde enter the classroom, which distracts Bobby and results in Lori getting hurt. Clyde starts whispering to Lincoln.] Excuse me? Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?
Clyde: Uh-uh.
Lori: Go on, you've already interrupted once. You might as well tell us what was so very important.
Clyde: Well, I was just saying that I saw these lines on a chalkboard back in school. They remind me of a railroad track.
Lori: I have never heard anything more insipid, insane, uninteresting, or irrelevant!
Clyde: Well, there was a railroad convention in town last week, and I bought myself this nifty conductor's cap. [he takes out the hat and puts it on]
Lori: I have never seen a more ridiculous-looking outfit on top of anybody's head, anywhere!
Clyde: Well, I don't know. Suits my needs.
Lori: What else did you buy at this convention? Your very own locomotive? [She starts laughing. Clyde pulls up a toy train]
Clyde: Yes.
Lori: Ha! Ha! Ha! What the...?
[Clyde, now shrunk down to the train's size, climbs into the train, toots the horn and drives the train on a track going past Lincoln and the other students. It then goes into what appears to be a tunnel which is shown to be a garbage can being held by Lori. She takes the can outside and dumps it with the other cans, thus re-entering the classroom.]
Lori: Now, where were... [sees Clyde back in his seat] ...we?
[Transitions to later]
Lori: This is what's known as a metronome.
Lincoln: Hey, my mom has one of those in her garden!
Clyde: No, Lincoln, that was a garden gnome.
Lori: [clears throat] Anyway, the metronome helps us keep time.
[She starts the metronome and it starts ticking. The two boys suddenly start staring at the metronome as though they are in a trance. They start swaying to the rhythm]
Lincoln and Clyde: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…
Lori: Do you mind? [they don't respond] Is there something seriously wrong with your HEADS?!
Lincoln: My whole life has been pointed in one direction.
Clyde: I see that now. There's never been any choice for me.
Lori: Will you two nincompoops cut it out?! Or am I gonna…
[Knocking on the door. A news reporter and a cameraman enter the classroom]
Katherine Mulligan: Hello! We're with the local Royal Woods News Channel. I'm a reporter. [Lori gasps and neatens her wig] We're here to conduct an interview with the esteemed musical genius Carol Pingrey.
[Lincoln and Clyde are still ticking]
Lori: Please ignore them.
Katherine Mulligan: Are those students of yours?
Lori: Nope, they're just morons. Come on, you two, snap out of it!
Katherine Mulligan: They appear to be in some type of trance. A case of genuine hypnosis like this makes a much hotter scoop.
Lori: Hotter? Scoop?!
Katherine Mulligan: Well, it's the sort of thing that borders the paranormal. Our viewers just eat that stuff up.
Lori: Paranormal?! The only thing paranormal around here is how fast I'm going to make you two disappear! [she starts pushing the reporter and cameraman out of the room]
Katherine Mulligan: Don't blame me, blame the market. [Lori slams the door. A bell rings and the two boys jolt as though they have woken up]
Lincoln: Wha...? Where am I? I felt like I was in some sort of horrible trance.
[Lori's eyes narrow angrily]
Lori: You wanna know what happened?
Lincoln and Clyde: Okay!
Lori: You once again managed to single-handedly annihilate what might be the one and only chance I may ever get to sew just one tiny seed of creative hope into the culturally barren wasteland that each and every one of us is forced to call home!
Random boy student: Actually, I've been commuting from upstate.
Lori: Now, I don't suppose you two have anything to say for yourselves?
Lincoln: Well, I guess if I was to say one thing, it would have to be: We're sorry, Lori. [Lori was horrified when her name was revealed]
Clyde: Yeah, we're sorry, Lori.
Lori: [frantic] No, no, no, no, no! Shh shh shh…
Girl: Hey, did those guys just call you Lori?
Lori: [frantic] No, no, no, no, no! They said "Carol"!
Another girl: Oh! I knew this girl was phony from minute one! I'm gettin' outta here.
Another boy student: Yeah, me, too! I'm gonna get my tuition back!
Lori: No! Wait! [Everyone walks to the door and Lori blocks it] NO! You're not going anywhere!
[The door is smashed open, and several policewomen run in. Lori, who was flattened against the wall by the door, is grabbed by them]
Lori: Wha-What's going on here?
Policewoman: Sorry, Professor, your little symphony is over.
[The Headmistress and the real Carol Pingrey are there]
Headmistress: It's true, we're onto your little ruse! [The reporter and cameraman are there too]
Katherine Mulligan: What a hot scoop!
Headmistress: The real Carol, as we all know, wears a headband! [She points to Carol's headband]
Lori: But…
[The policewoman from "Rita Her Rights" takes Lori's wig off]
Policewoman: No headband. Lori L. Loud, I'm placing you under arrest for impersonating a genius.
[Lori is handcuffed and taken away by the police.]
Clyde: Poor Lori.
Lincoln: Yeah.
[Then Lincoln takes out the metronome, starts it, and he and Clyde start swaying to the rhythm again]
Lincoln and Clyde: Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick…
Epilogue
[Lori was taken to the police station. After her fingerprints and mugshot were done, she was sent to her jail cell at the Royal Woods Prison. Lori sighed as she went to sit on the cot of her cell.]
Lori: I guess I deserve to be here. Impersonating Carol to get her success flopped so hard.
Luan: Hey, cellmate! I got a joke for you!
Lori: Luan?! What are you doing here?
Luan: I ended up being busted for pulling pranks at a bank. Hey! Did you hear the one about the thief who stole a calendar?
Lori: Oh, no.
Luan: He got twelve months! (laughs)
[Luan kept laughing as Lori kept banging her head repeatedly on a wall.]