Self-Care For Others
The world was spinning.
Wait, why was the world spinning?
Alcohol?
Nope, he'd just woken up.
Drugs?
Same answer.
Then what the bloody Hell -
Lucifer's vision blurred, and he managed to grab the banister just in time to avoid toppling down the last few stairs and into the kitchen.
Yep.
Something was off.
But what?
Chloe immediately dropped her spatula and turned the stove off before rushing over to him. Already in her work clothes, she looked neat in her blouse and jacket, hair worn down to prevent even more headaches.
"You truly look lovely today," he said, then winced because of the bright lights and closed his eyes.
He felt two steady hands on his shoulders, helping him sit down.
Warm.
Her hands were warm, like his face. Then why did he feel cold?
"Lucifer, are you okay? Talk to me."
"Too loud," he muttered, wanting nothing more than to press his hands over his ears. The tell-tale signs of a hangover, but he hadn't done anything out of the ordinary last night.
When he didn't respond, she peeled his eye open. A look of focus on her face, cop instincts kicking in.
"Pupils aren't dilated, and the whites of your eyes aren't red."
"It's not drugs," he protested. "You know I don't do that anymore with Rory underway."
"I know," she amended, checking the other one with a gentle grip. "But someone could have spiked your drink at Lux last night."
"Unlikely," he countered, slowly adjusting to the lights. He was the Lightbringer, Amenadiel damn it. It shouldn't make him so uncomfortable.
"I've never seen you like this, I'm just considering my options." Chloe pressed her hands against his neck, then his forehead. "You're warm."
"I'm always hot, thank you."
Even with his eyes half-closed, he could feel her fond eye roll. "Do you think you can get up?"
"There's only one way to figure that out."
She slid an arm around his middle, steadying him as his muscles started to ache. Honestly, where was all this coming from?
"Lean on me."
Lucifer less stood up than being pulled to his feet by his partner, forgetting for a moment that she was still stronger than usual.
Thank you, Rory.
It was still dark outside, around seven in the morning on a chilly December day. But to Lucifer it felt like the next ice age had arrived.
Chloe gently put him on a barstool next to Trixie, rubbing his back. "I'm going to get you some food so you can take meds, okay?"
He rested his face in his hands, embracing the temporary relief from the lights above the counter. "I don't need medication," he protested. "I'm the Devil."
But if Chloe heard him, she gave no indication of it. Instead, she continued fussing over the stove, making some more of whatever Beatrice had for breakfast.
And they called him stubborn.
"Do you have the flu or something?" Trixie asked from her seat next to him, taking a sip of her orange juice. "I get it too during winter, you know. It's not nice."
"I am not capable of having the flu," he countered.
Lucifer adjusted his night robe around him, cringing at the sudden onslaught of brightness as he removed his hands temporarily from his face.
Why was everything cold and bright?
The girl gave him a once over, frowning. "You don't seem very healthy to me, though. Why shouldn't you be capable of getting sick?"
She didn't wait for his response, nudging the tissue box closer to him before hopping off the barstool to place her dirty dish in the sink, then went to fetch her school supplies.
Straightforwardness seems to be a trait found in all Decker women.
Chloe put a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs in front of him, the food arranged to look like a smiley.
Even through the fog of his discomfort, the gesture touched him. She dropped a couple of pills beside it and handed him a glass of water.
Lucifer smiled at her, gratefully accepting it. "Thank you, love. But I have to get dressed."
A blink. "Get dressed?"
He swallowed the pills, then downed them with a gulp of water. "To drive Beatrice to school, then drop the car off at Lux before going back down."
He had responsibilities, after all.
Chloe leveled an incredulous stare at him, crossing her arms from the other side of the counter. "You're not going anywhere like that."
Lucifer scraped some of the eggs onto his fork and took a bite, hoping that would ease her mind if she saw him eating. "I'm sure it'll be better in a couple of minutes."
"You can't stand, let alone drive or fly somewhere."
If I don't leave today, I don't think I will leave for the foreseeable future.
He remained quiet, deliberately eating his breakfast to show her he cared for her concern but that he intended to go through with his plan.
Her shoulders slumped, concern softening the sternness of her features. "Lucifer," she sighed, walking around the counter. "This isn't good, pushing yourself like that. It's harmful."
Chloe laid a tender hand on his shoulder, thumb rubbing over the fabric of his robe. "Don't do this to yourself."
How easily he yielded under her touch.
Even now, he found his resolve shaken, doubt creeping in at the corner of his mind that maybe she had a point.
Probably.
But he had to-
Lucifer let out a shaky breath, the pressure on his chest squeezing his ribcage. His fork clattered on the plate as it slipped involuntarily from his trembling fingers, and he cursed himself soundly but didn't pick it up.
That did it for Chloe.
"Come on," she said, helping him stand up. This time he didn't protest. "Let's get you back to bed."
Stairs had never been this much of a challenge, and he doubted there'd ever been a time that his legs had been this shaky. They took it one step at a time, literally, the solid warmth of her an immense comfort.
The darkness of the bedroom was beyond welcoming, and he all but made it a few steps before collapsing on the bed. His head was swimming, his heart was pounding in his chest - like it wanted to break free for some reason.
What was happening to him?
Chloe approached the bed, speaking in a hushed tone. "I need you to lift your body for me. Just for a second."
He obeyed, letting out a groan as he pushed himself up on his arms. Every single joint and muscle was sore and aching, protesting against the slightest movement.
She quickly pulled back the comforter and sheets out from under him, and he flopped back down not a second later with a deep sigh.
Carefully lifting his legs onto the bed one by one, she scooted him towards the middle of the bed and away from the edge.
With an ease that spoke of years of practice, she drew the sheets and the comforter over him and stopped right below his chin. Then she tucked the ends beneath the mattress, ensuring that he wouldn't throw them off if he tossed and turned in his sleep.
"I think you mummified me," he said, relaxing into the cocoon of blankets and closing his eyes. Much better.
Chloe hummed, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to him. "That's a good thing, then, since mummies can't run away."
"Some movies would beg to differ."
"Maybe," she replied, carding her fingers through his hair in a way that almost made him purr. She was silent for a moment before she spoke again, stroking his unruly curls instead.
"Why are you so intent on going back today?"
Lucifer considered to tiptoe around the obvious for a moment, downplaying the thoughts that had haunted his mind for the past days and using half-truths instead.
I just want to get back to work.
Have to check in on Hell every once in a while, don't I?
Some more experience might come in handy before my first psychology class next month.
But he owed her the entire truth.
It had been one of the agreements they'd made this summer, to have no more big secrets between them. And that included feelings and thoughts that didn't seem intent on letting him go anytime soon.
Nothing that could fester and come around to bite them in the arse, proverbial or not.
"I feel that if I don't go back down today, I won't be going down there for the coming months."
Chloe's movements faltered, just for a second, before she continued brushing her fingers through his hair. The gloom of the bedroom made it difficult to see her face, the only source of light seeping in from the hall through the half-open doorway.
"Go on," she said softly.
Lucifer turned on his side, so he was able to see her better. "Ever since we got back from Amenadiel's time pocket, I've felt so grateful for everything in my life. For my friends. For Beatrice, for Rory. For you."
"It made me realize all the more of how much I like my life. What I've built over the past few years. How precious it all is to me," he croaked. "And that makes leaving again incredibly hard, even if it is temporarily."
He slid one arm from beneath the firmly tucked covers, catching her hand stroking through his hair in his own and lacing their fingers. "So, I felt that if I didn't go back today, I wouldn't do it for the next few days, even weeks."
The second they'd shot back to the present, leaving the echo of the past behind, had made him hyper aware of every aspect of his life. How right it all felt.
When they'd thanked Amenadiel for the experience (and scolded him for the lack of warning upfront), they'd politely ushered him out with a promise to call the Doctor as soon as possible for a detailed report.
Then, they had gathered blankets and grabbed a drink and snacks and settled themselves on the couch to talk about all that had happened and what had come to mind and reliving memories until late into the night.
Around two in the morning, she'd fallen asleep in his arms when the conversation had moved from hushed tones to soft whispers to longer and longer intervals of comfortable silence. He'd followed not much later.
The past was finally at peace.
And besides happiness, a stillness and weariness had settled in him that hadn't left.
A resolve to put his family first, no matter what.
Chloe was quiet for a while, rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand.
"I know it's stupid," he sighed, "but - "
She shook her head. "No, Lucifer, it's not stupid. It's not, okay?"
His partner shuffled closer to him, laying their joined hands in her lap. "It's normal to feel like this. There are days when I don't want to go to work either, and I'd rather watch Frozen for the thousandth time with Trixie. Have her close to me. Safe by my side."
"And I can't imagine what it's like for you. Because here you're just gone for a day or two, but for you it's much longer."
"I should get used to it," Lucifer countered weakly, the meds he'd taken starting to make him groggy. "For most of my siblings, it wouldn't make a difference."
"Should doesn't mean you are. You're the only angel with this much experience on Earth, with humanity. The only one so accustomed to living here, tuned into the speed of our time flow. I would only think it's normal that you're so thrown off kilter when switching between LA and Hell."
"I'm old."
"Older," she corrected him with a chuckle, remembering his outrage when their younger selves had pointed it out.
"I feel old, Chloe," he said softly.
He stared at the ceiling in the dark but didn't let go of her hand. "And that's good, I guess. Means that part of me is finally accepting and processing the madness of the last years and my Fall. Making peace with it. Getting ready to move on."
Lucifer rolled his head to the side on the pillow, giving her a gentle smile. "But I also feel stretched thin and raw, like a towel that's been wrung out too many times. Flashes of painful memories rise unexpectedly to the surface, and while I can handle them, they leave me breathless sometimes. A bit hollow, too."
He pressed a kiss to her knuckles. "And the only thing that makes me feel whole again is my home. My family. I'd never been someone to stay at home all the time, but I swear to you I could now. Take care of Rory, look after Trixie. Go to university in the evening, then come home to you."
With a groan, he laid his down again, muscles protesting. "I want to help the people in Hell, but I want to be here as well. Rest, but help. And I don't know how to do that. Don't know if I have the energy to."
"You feel torn," Chloe concluded, processing his words.
"And not a tiny bit."
She chewed her lip, then her head shot up. "What if that is what causing you to feel like this? The indecision, all the longing and exhaustion. Lucifer, I don't think you're sick, at least not in the traditional way."
He frowned, then refrained from doing so because it made the headache worse. "You think I'm self-actualizing? But the Doctor concluded that that would only happen consciously from now on. As a result of my own decision."
She smoothed a stray curl from his forehead with the tenderness of a mother.
"No, I think it has to do with you switching between being vulnerable at home and invulnerable down below. At work you may be worried or stressed or indecisive, yet you won't feel the side effects of it. But when you come home-"
"-it comes rushing in all at once. "
"Yeah," Chloe nodded. "Us going back in time released a lot of strong emotions and brought back memories, on top of everything you're already feeling. I don't think you have a supernatural ailment, Lucifer. I think you're just emotionally exhausted, and it's starting to show itself physically."
"Bugger."
He sighed, seeing the logic in her reasoning. A plausible outcome. Because everything else going on wasn't enough without an emotional burn-out.
"So stay," she said, giving his hand a squeeze. "Rest today, or tomorrow or even the entire week. Even when you're invulnerable, just because you can't feel something doesn't mean it's not there. You have to learn how to take care of yourself. Even the Devil needs that."
"Orders from my Lieutenant?" he asked with a smile.
Chloe leaned down to press a sweet kiss against his lips. "Advice from your soon-to-be wife."
"Even better."
"I'm serious," she said, drawing back, her tone stern yet pleading. "You're my partner, Lucifer. But I'm yours as well. Let me take care of you. Allow me to take care of you. You don't have to do this all alone. I'm here for you."
A warm glow of affection settled inside him. She knew how difficult it was for him, how difficult he could be. Leaving behind centuries of habits was easier said than done.
Yet she never gave up.
Never stopped trying.
"Thank you," he croaked from beneath the comforter, voice hoarse with emotion. "I'll try, with the Doctor's help if necessary."
Even in the dark, her smile lit up the room. "That's all I'm asking. You don't have to tell me everything, but don't shut me out, alright?"
"Alright."
"Okay," she answered, clearly relieved.
She adjusted some of the covers. "Okay. Then I'm gonna go check on Trix downstairs, see if she has everything ready for school. I'll be back around five, six if traffic sucks."
Chloe made to move away, but he gently stopped her by her forearm. "Wait."
With a slow and painful movement, every fiber in his body protesting, he managed to sit up. Couldn't let her leave without this, now could he?
He cradled her face in his hands and gave her a long, heartfelt kiss.
"Have a nice day at work. I love you," he murmured against her lips.
He felt more than saw her smile. "I love you, too."
Then he laid down on his side and scooted closer so he was level with her abdomen. He rested his forehand against the swell of her belly before pressing a kiss there.
"Look after your mother today alright, princess? And be good, I don't want to hear any complaints this evening."
Chloe chuckled, resting a hand on her bump. "We'll be fine, it's dad we're worried about."
Lucifer nestled his head back on the pillow. "Don't worry about me. I'm good, being lovingly mummified and all."
"I'll be back tonight. Get some rest, mummy."
She caressed his cheek, then stood up from the edge of the bed.
A hum was the only response she got. Even before she closed the door, he finally surrendered to his exhaustion. The soft, pleasant feeling wrapped around him and everything went dark.
It was afternoon when he woke up again, the digital alarm on the bedside table indicating it was 1:37 PM.
Goodness me, I must have slept for another six hours.
But he did feel better, and when he sat up at least the room didn't spin like it had this morning.
A soft thump sounded, like something had fallen off the bed.
Lucifer frowned and looked over the edge, only to see the lumpy form of Miss Alien lying on the floor next to a plate of wrapped sandwiches. She must have put it next to him before she'd gone to school.
He smiled, picking up the stuffed toy and the plate and placing it next to him on the comforter. A note had been stuck on the wrapping, and on it was written in a childlike scrawl next to a heart, 'Get well soon, Lucifer!'
Warmth flared up in his chest, touched by the gesture. He didn't know what he'd done to earn such love and devotion from this tiny human, but he tried each day to be worthy of it.
Tearing open the wrapping, he grabbed one of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and took a bite. The sweetness of it still took him by surprise, but Trixie had made these so much and he hadn't the heart to refuse her that he'd somehow gotten used to the taste.
Mozzarella and pesto were still his preferred taste, but these were made with love.
And so much jelly, dear Amenadiel.
Miss Alien stared up at him from the bed, the grisly bloodstain from Maze's trip still not washed out.
"Looks like it's just you and me today," Lucifer said, starting to eat the second sandwich while holding the plate beneath his chin to avoid getting crumbs on the bread.
After he'd finished eaten the sandwiches, he quickly swapped his silken pajamas for a regular t-shirt and dark slacks.
The first time Chloe had seen him in regular clothes had sent her staring, before she'd pulled him into the bedroom and showed him just how much she appreciated him looking like that.
Needless to say, he'd gone out the next day to buy more t-shirts.
Loads of them.
But he could hardly work on the nursery in a suit, especially when he'd been painting.
When he walked into the room, it was like a new dose of energy washing over him. The paint job was decent, if he said so himself, and while he'd never done anything remotely like this he'd wanted to do it himself.
It had started with cleaning out Mazikeen's old room. Even though the demon had taken all her stuff with her when she'd moved out, there were some…remnants that had been left behind.
After a thorough sweep of the bedroom, he'd found: two filet knives, a katana taped to the bottom of the bed, three pocketknives, a set of brass knuckle rings, a dog skull, various leather collars, a bunch of Playboy magazines and a Hello Kitty doll.
The last one he'd attributed to Trixie, until he'd seen the stab wounds the poor toy had suffered at Mazikeen's hand. He'd stashed it away for now, intending to return it sometime and ask some questions.
The furniture had been removed by a moving company, and he'd started the prepping the wall with primer, painting over the pitch black the demon had initially chosen for her room.
He'd spent a long discussing and comparing colors with Chloe, but eventually they'd settled on painting the room baby pink.
Yes, it was stereotypical, and yes, he knew adult Rory would have probably hated it.
But honestly, it was so adorable and went great with the crib and decorations they'd bought. On top of that, she was named after a Disney princess, even though Chloe would deny that to her dying day. It just made sense.
And when Rory was five or something, he'd help her redecorate if she wished.
The prospect cheered him considerably, and he propped Miss Alien up on a chair in the corner. The doll stared at him with lifeless eyes, head lolling to one side. But she didn't tip over.
"There. I need some moral support for the task at hand today."
Assembling Ikea furniture.
The boxes were stacked in the middle of the room, so they didn't touch the walls when the paint had still been drying. He'd bought a crib, a changing table, a wardrobe, a nursing chair, a laundry hamper and several storage resolutions. Most of the wooden pieces were white, but there were grey elements here and there.
A soft theme with pale shades of pink, white and grey.
He liked it already.
Pulling the box with the crib off the stack, he reached for one of Maze's old pocket and cut it open. He slid the packaged components out along with the manual.
How hard could it be, right?
Traffic was a mess, and it was almost seven by the time Chloe twisted the keys in her door and stumbled inside.
Dropping Trixie off at the track team after school had made her usual route almost an hour longer, and of course an accident had happened on the Interstate which resulted in massive jams.
Just. Great.
And her joints were sore, her back was killing her and it was getting really annoying to type at a desk when her belly created a gap of several inches between her and the keyboard.
But at least she was home.
And Lucifer was still here.
Walking into the living room, she flicked on the light and dropped her bag onto the counter, noting the cleaned kitchen and chopped vegetables in Tupperware boxes.
It made her insanely happy, the fact that she could come home from a long work day and not having to do the dishes or prepare dinner every time. Romantic dates were great, but this?
This was on another level.
Speaking of the Devil, where was he?
He obviously ventured into the kitchen at least once, she thought. Did he go back to bed afterwards?
She crept upstairs on soft feet, not wanting to wake him if was indeed already asleep. But from the light filtering from under the door to the nursery, she had a fair idea of what he'd been doing.
Pushing it open, she heard him muttering.
"Where does this go?" Then a faint rinkling sound, followed by a curse. "Oh, blast, there's another one."
Lucifer was seated on the floor in the middle of the room, holding various screws and bolts and frowning at a half-assembled changing table.
But his entire face lit up when she walked into the room.
"Honey!" he exclaimed, getting up and tiptoeing through the carboard boxes and plastic bags so he could hug her.
She returned his embrace, unable to suppress a smile, feeling her annoyance and frustration from today melt away.
He always hugged her like this, folding his arms around her and lowering his head to fit himself better against her. The familiar scent of his cologne was now mixed with a wooden undertone, mingling pleasantly together.
And God, did he look good in that t-shirt.
"How was your day?" he asked as he drew back.
"How was yours?" she countered, studying his face. "I see you're already up and running, but are you feeling better yet?"
"I wouldn't say I'm feeling one hundred percent yet," he considered slowly. "But I'm not falling to the floor anymore, so that's a plus."
"Aren't you getting ahead of yourself?"
"…I hope not. But look!" He swept an arm out, indicating the room and changing the subject. "I've managed to put together some things already."
The wardrobe stood proudly on display against the left side of the room, Ella's bunch of crocheted animals neatly seated on top with their tiny paws dangling over the edge. A gray, comfy-looking nursing chair sat in a corner of the room with Miss Alien in it.
And smack in the middle of the room, behind the changing table under construction and the loads of boxes, was the crib. Smooth, pale wood and soft bedding, and -
"Is that a watermelon in Rory's bed?"
"What? Oh, yes, I wanted to see if it could actually hold the weight it said on the box. Had to make sure it's safe. So far, so good. Watermelon Rory has been doing an excellent job."
Chloe chuckled, finding his concern endearing. He'd gone out specifically to buy a melon to test the bed. Sometimes she wanted to know how his thoughts bounced around in his brain.
"And this is?"
Lucifer let out a deep sigh as he looked at the half-assembled piece of furniture. "The changing table, but the bloody thing is not cooperating. There are so many screws and bolts, and half the time they don't fit. Seriously, who designed this?"
She hummed, agreeing with him but too tired to formulate a proper response. The warmth of the room made her drowsy, and now that she was finally home and she knew Lucifer was feeling better, the full weight of her day came crashing down upon her.
But I'll take a shower before bed, even if it's the last thing I do.
"It's lovely," she said, doing a tour and running her hands over the crib, then walking back towards him. "With all the soft colors, and-"
Her foot bumped against her sore ankle, and Chloe lost her balance and toppled forward.
For one terrifying moment, the floor rose up to meet her and she couldn't place her hands quickly enough-
Two steady arms shot out and caught her mid-fall, hoisting her back to her feet.
Her heart raced in her chest, and a chill slithered down her spine. She didn't want to consider the possibility of what could have happened if he hadn't grabbed her.
I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry.
Lucifer held her by her upper arms, frantically searching her face. "Are you alright? Did you just faint?"
"No," she said, trying to steady her racing pulse. "No, I just tripped, that's all."
"Over the boxes? Or the tools? Bloody Hell, I should have put them away before you came in, I'm so sorry-"
"Hey, it's fine." She placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him from dashing off. "I tripped over my own feet, not your stuff. It's fine."
Those huge, dark eyes were focused on her. "Are you fine?"
"Yeah, I just need to take a shower and change clothes."
She made to walk away but he stopped her by stepping in front.
"Chloe," he said pointedly. "Are you fine?"
His tone made her realize that he wasn't the only one with the persistent habit of downplaying situations.
But she could handle this. She was used to it.
"I'm sore. My joints and my back hurt, and the sleepless nights with Rory rolling around are catching up on me. But all of that will be better after I take a shower."
"You can hardly stand," he countered, unknowingly using her own words against her from this morning. "What if you fall again and hurt yourself? Or Rory?"
That hit her in the face like a brick, guilt sinking in her stomach. She'd just come close to taking a fall that could have severely harmed her daughter, and now she was putting herself in possible danger again?
What is wrong with me?
Lucifer saw the gears turning in her mind, and decided to intervene before she got another thought.
"Alright, what if you take a shower, but I accompany you? To keep an eye on you, make sure you're safe?"
Her initial plan had been to take a shower while sitting, but this worked as well, she supposed. Otherwise he'd just sit outside the bathroom door and sprint inside at the smallest disturbance he heard.
"Okay," she sighed, giving in. "Okay."
His shoulders slumped in her relief, and he placed a hand on the small of her back to guide her out of the room. "Thank you."
The bathroom was comfortably warm, the lights around the mirror casting a soft glow in the room.
It wasn't nearly as big as the one in the penthouse, with its larger-than-life Italian marble tub and Hermès towels. Nor did she have such an extensive collection of bath salts. Did anyone, really?
But it was cozy, and although the laundry hamper was overflowing with clothes, it had its upsides.
Like Trixie's strawberry flavored toothpaste, or the UFO towels she'd been so obsessed with a couple of years ago.
Chloe slowly removed her clothes, each movement causing her muscles to cry out in protest. The lights in the room were surprisingly bright, and when she'd stripped down to her underclothes, she started feeling self-conscious about her form.
Every stretchmark, every scar and rounding was on display.
He saw her regularly without clothes, but not usually with such bright lighting. What if-
She stood with her back to Lucifer, so he startled her when he suddenly placed a hand upon her shoulder.
He gently turned her towards him, his smile caught somewhere between loving and reverent. "You have never looked more beautiful than you do now."
Brushing some stray strands of hair from her face, he added, "Don't hide from me. There's no need to."
His words moved her, the fact that he had picked up on her insecurity so easily. Not knowing what to say, she merely nodded and removed the rest of her garments.
Lucifer followed her into the shower, already bare (of course). She must be really tired if she hadn't noticed that.
"What are you doing?"
He stopped in his tracks, confused. "Looking after you?"
"Oh."
"Just – just trust me, alright?"
He slid the shower door shut behind him. He took the shower head out of the holder and turned the water on, regulating the temperature until it was just right. "I get to take care of you, too."
I get to take care of you, too.
She would be fine. She could take care of herself. But…
"Do you want to wash your hair as well?"
His voice dragged her out of her thoughts. "Yeah."
Lucifer placed the shower head back in the holder, then scooted her backwards until the warm water ran over her head and down her shoulders. She couldn't help but let out a relieved sigh.
"Better?"
Chloe nodded, too tired to utter full sentences anymore.
He let the water wash over her until her hair was slick against her skin, then gently twisted her so her back was leaning against his chest.
She didn't protest, dimly wondering what he was up to. But the warm water was making her too drowsy to ask.
Rory started wriggling inside her as the spray hit her belly, causing flutters inside her. Probably surprised by the sudden change in temperature.
It's just water, baby. It's fine.
"You're still tense," Lucifer remarked, holding her by her upper arms. "It's okay, you can let go. I've got you. Let go, Chloe."
If I do, then I think I'll fall apart.
"Chloe, let go," he pleaded. "I've got you, I promise."
The desperate tone in his words broke her reluctance, and she finally exhaled a breath that seemed to come from a place deep inside of her.
It hurt, it hurt, it hurt, her muscles groaning as some of the tension was finally released. Then the pain slowly faded, mingling with her hazy fatigue until it was all she felt.
"There we go," Lucifer said softly, planting a kiss against her temple. "That's better."
She slumped against his chest, but one strong arm around her middle held her firmly in place. His hand splayed over her skin, thumb brushing the side of her bump.
"Told you I've got you."
"I know," she replied, covering his hand with her own. "I know, Lucifer."
A hum was the only response she got, and he briefly removed his arm to grab a bottle of coconut shampoo and squeeze some of the liquid into his hands.
Chloe lifted her head to look at him questioningly. Was he going to shower as well? With her shampoo?
"You get a personal spa treatment," he said with a smile, noticing her stare. "Look forward."
She did as she was told, and not a second later felt his fingers massaging the shampoo into her scalp. A groan involuntarily slipped past her lips, but she was beyond caring at the moment.
"Does that feel good?"
"Yes," she breathed, relishing his careful ministrations. "Don't stop."
Lucifer massaged her scalp for a couple more blissful minutes, then focused on rubbing shampoo on the lengths of her hair. They basked in warm silence, the hot water creating a steamy haze in the bathroom.
This was nice. Scratch that, this was close to divine. She couldn't remember the last time anyone had looked after her like this. She'd taken loads of baths and showers with Lucifer, but never like this.
Never when she'd been this vulnerable.
Chloe had closed her eyes, so when the warm water stopped running down her front she peeled an eye open. Lucifer had taken the shower head out of the holder.
"Tip your head back."
She obeyed, and he placed a hand on her forehead to shield her eyes from the soapy suds as he rinsed her hair clean. The scent of coconut wrapped around her, relaxing and familiar.
But not nearly as much as her partner at her back.
When he was done, he placed the shower head back and squeezed the excess water out of her hair. Then, he carefully brushed it over one shoulder and turned her so she faced him.
He reached for the conditioner, read the label and applied some of it to his hands. Lathering the lengths of her hair, he looked so focused he could have been solving an intricate puzzle.
"You have to let it work in for a couple of minutes," she opted as he finished.
"I know. You can lean on me in the meantime," Lucifer offered.
Chloe was overcome with a wave of love for him, and not knowing what to say, wrapped her arms around him and rested her forehead against his chest.
Lucifer returned the gesture, circling his arms around her middle and pressed a kiss against her hairline before resting his chin on top of her head.
Walking them backward, he stopped when the warm water cascaded down her back. To keep her warm, but not too far back that the conditioner would be washed out.
Everything felt like a dream, pleasant and blurred at the edges.
"Aren't you cold?"
The spot on his back where her arms rested was dry, but his chest was wet from rinsing her hair.
"I'm fine, don't worry about me."
A comfortable silence fell, the running water lulling her into a half-sleep. She startled when he moved, but he just grabbed the shower head and washed out the conditioner until the last suds were down the drain.
Placing it back into the holder, he reached for a bottle of vanilla soap. Her pride balked at the thought of being washed, but the more subdued part of her mind craved it. Being cared for in such an intimate way.
I feel old, Chloe. Weary. And the only thing that makes me feel whole again is you.
My family.
She needed it. He needed it.
Lucifer had shown vulnerability this morning by letting her take care of him. Letting her see him struggle. Accepting her help and advice.
It was time she returned the gesture.
He was holding the bottle but didn't open it. Seeing her internal struggle, he was waiting for her consent. Because he'd never do anything she hadn't agreed to.
"It's okay," she said, and that was all he needed.
Chloe didn't miss the sigh of relief.
Flipping the cap open, he squeezed a generous amount into his palm. He started to rub gentle circles into her skin, taking extra care to loosen tense muscles along the way.
Her sighs and groans bounced off the damp tiles, echoing in the room.
If it were anyone else, she would have been embarrassed by the sounds that forced their way out of her mouth. But not Lucifer.
Never Lucifer.
He made his way down her arms and chest, her back and her legs. Peppering barely-there kisses where the soap had washed away, lavishing her with gentle touches.
When he came to her belly he took extra care, handling her as if she were made of glass. She'd been so focused on watching his face that she hadn't noted his movements.
It was only when he looked up at her with a goofy grin that she saw he'd drawn a soapy heart on her belly.
Chloe was unable to suppress her smile, which only caused his to grow in turn. She stood on her tiptoes to press a soft kiss to his lips, and he kissed the tip of her nose in return.
Sometimes he could be so pure it made her breath catch.
Lucifer slowly spread the soap over her skin, which prompted Rory to start another set of somersaults and karate kicks.
Seriously, she was an Olympic gymnast in the making. Or a street fighter.
Both were equally possible with her friends and family.
Lucifer's eyes went wide and he froze, then flattened his hand against the rounding of her stomach.
"I can feel it," he whispered.
"What?"
"I can feel her! Oh, she's moving now."
He slid his hands down her front, tracking the movement. Rory twisted and turned for another few seconds, then settled down again.
A million-watt smile was plastered all over his face.
"I felt her," he breathed, somewhere between deliriously happy and dazed by the experience. "I felt her move. Inside of you!"
Chloe smiled. "What was it like?"
Lucifer's hair was curling at all ends in the damp bathroom, giving him a boyish look. His eyes were alight. "Like world's tiniest punch. Or a fist bump! It sort of felt like I was touching something that was lying under a sheet."
His gaze dropped to her belly again. "And you feel that all the time."
"Yep. Especially at three o'clock in the morning. Or anytime when I'm not moving. She doesn't like it when I sit still."
Which was loads of fun when you had a desk job. Sometimes she would get so restless that Chloe had to pace around the office for twenty minutes before she settled down again.
But honestly?
It was one of her favorite things about being pregnant. The first time she'd felt Trixie had caused her to cry happy tears. Feeling your baby move around gives a feeling of such closeness you'll hardly experience again.
"Does it hurt?"
"Sometimes. A kick to the bladder is never pleasant."
A grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. "You little devil."
"I can't deny that."
Lucifer stared at her belly for a few more seconds, the, reached behind her to turn the water off. Before she could blink, he'd already wrapped her in a plush towel.
"Better?" he asked as they stepped out of the shower. He handed her a towel for her hair and took one for himself.
Chloe started rubbing the lengths of her hair dry. Better was the understatement of the century.
"Yes," she responded with a sincere smile. "Thank you. I don't think anyone has ever pampered me like that."
Lucifer returned her smile, wrapping the towel around his middle. "That's what I'm here for."
She quickly dried herself off, then opened one of the drawers under the sink. She picked out a comfy, gray sports bra, but didn't find any panties in the same color.
Great.
From now on, she was just going to buy underwear in one color to make her life easier.
With a resigned sigh, Chloe took a black pair of panties and closed the drawer. She shimmied out of the towel and put the underwear on, then wiped her forearm over the fogged mirror glass.
Her hair hung in wet tendrils around her face, the tips leaking droplets of water down her back. A faint pattern of freckles ran across her nose now her concealer had been washed away. Her blue eyes were almost glowing under this lighting.
Chloe ran a hand over the scar on her lower abdomen. It had been a clean, diagonal cut, leaving behind a thin line crossing over the skin beneath her belly button.
But with Rory growing inside of her, the skin was stretched taut, and the scar seemed to increase in size every time her daughter did.
Her movements faltered.
Seven months. It had been almost seven months since Michael killed her.
Chloe was so focused on staring at her reflection that she hadn't noticed Lucifer approaching. He slid his hands around her middle, cupping the swell of her belly.
Covering the scar with his hands.
"You won," he said, meeting her eye in the mirror. His expression was grave. "You won. He didn't."
She knew that. She'd been there in the initially confusing moments after Lucifer had come back from the dead. Their unlikely victory had suddenly become reality.
They'd won, she'd beaten the shit out of that goddamn snake, and Lucifer had cut his wings off and tossed him into Hell.
But a bitter taste lingered still.
He'd left a mark on her. Although she hated it, still she'd refused Amenadiel's offer to erase it. She didn't understand why, but maybe something like this couldn't be understood.
"There's a good thing there now," she said after a while. "There's an incredible thing in there now."
Rory's ever-growing presence - the fact that she had still been able to have children after being slashed open - was a direct fuck you to Michael.
Life triumphing over death.
Lucifer gave her a smile, resting his cheek against the crown of her head. "One of the truest things I have heard today. He didn't succeed in driving us apart, or gaslighting Dad, or becoming God. Complete tosser, really."
His expression turned serious. "You know you can always talk to me about it, right? About anything, even if it's stupid. Especially if you think it's stupid. It doesn't even have to be me, just someone you trust. Bottling this all up isn't good, and I'd be the one to know."
He brushed a tendril of hair away that had fallen in her face. "As I have said before, I don't care that you beat the crap out of me with the necklace. I honestly don't. What I care about is that you felt like you couldn't tell me what was bothering you."
Chloe's cheeks flushed with shame at the memory. There had been few moments in her life when she'd loathed herself that much.
"You were going to be God," she started weakly. "My doubts and problems weren't relevant compared to that. To the scope of the universe."
Lucifer shook his head, sadness flashing in his eyes. "I could have never been God, Chloe. Anything for you except give you up, remember? And taking my Father's place would have entailed that in some way. Even if you had become my consultant, we would have never had the life we have now."
"Even if Rory hadn't been there, I don't think I could have made that sacrifice. Especially if the cost was your happiness. I couldn't have put the world before you. I still can't."
She was rendered momentarily speechless. For all his troubles in dealing with emotions, Lucifer managed to state his love for her so clearly and genuinely it made something catch in her chest.
It was why she'd wanted to become his consultant. To do good in this world, yes, but also so Lucifer didn't have to choose between his calling and his relationship. Didn't have to lose one when he choose the other.
He could have both, and she would make sure of that.
Lucifer has moved Heaven and Earth for her, but she would follow him to the end of the world and back without hesitation.
Chloe covered his hands with her own, two pairs of hands resting on her belly. "I want you to be happy, too."
"I am." Lucifer planted a kiss against her cheek, then nuzzled his head against hers. "I have never been happier. Now that I'm back to leading Hell - albeit a bit different - I get to make you my priority. You, and Trixie and Rory. I can enjoy my time on Earth with you, see my daughter grow up."
"I know we're still figuring out the details," he continued. "I've never wanted to be in one place as much as I do now. It's brilliant. It's perfect."
She hummed, leaning into his embrace.
She'd never thought she could savor mundane things as much as she could now. Making dinner. Helping Trixie with homework. Waking up together. Grocery shopping. Watching Bones.
As long as he's by her side.
"Which is something I also want to talk to you about."
Lucifer searched her eye in their reflection, the fog on the mirror almost entirely evaporated now. "We never discussed it again, and I feel like we should. That I should explain what I meant."
Chloe tensed involuntarily, then forced herself to relax. It was her partner.
It was Lucifer.
"Remember when we were poring over the Doctor's book about me, trying to find something that would explain why my wings wouldn't come out anymore?"
Chloe nodded. How could she forget? Everyone assembled at a table in Lux, each given a part of the book to study. Everyone including Dan's ghost and Maze on her wedding night, of all things considered.
Studying parts of Lucifer's life and thoughts, which inevitably involved parts of her life and thoughts.
Good thing she loved her friends so much.
"You'd gotten upset because I'd described you as 'perfect', and you thought that I only called you that because I hadn't seen you at your worst yet."
That was true. Chloe hated that word with a passion. When their marriage had falling apart, Dan had thrown it her all too often during their fights.
To her, it was both an insult and an indication that someone didn't know her well enough. If only they saw her flaws. If only they bothered to see her flaws instead of glossing over them.
The ugly side of her. The pain and loneliness and desires she kept locked up. They'd change their opinion of her lightning fast.
And she knew Lucifer hadn't meant it like that. He'd meant it with all the adoration he could muster.
With all the love that fit in over six feet of Devil.
Somehow that had been worse.
"But I have, Chloe. I have seen you at your worst. I don't know what makes you think that I haven't."
She stared at his reflection, waiting for him to elaborate further.
His dark eyes were intense. "We've been through so much through the years, when I was your consultant and when I wasn't. I have seen you belittled and mocked when you continued working the Palmetto case despite everything. I have seen you betrayed in one of the worst ways possible."
"I was there when you were dying from poison. I have seen you shot and stabbed and beaten more than I care to think about."
Lucifer's voice cracked. "I saw you terrified to the very core of your being when you found out about me. Watching you question everything and everyone you knew. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"I've seen you when you were desperate and hopeless and consumed by grief. And I was by your side the entire time."
He hugged her closer to his chest, eyes pleading. "Maybe that's not what you would define as your worst, but those seem like critical moments to me. Moments when you fell apart. Moments that I was beside you."
Chloe was quiet. What would she define as her worst moment?
Dan dying? Betraying Lucifer? Trixie being kidnapped? Rory in Le Mec's hands?
Her silence unnerved him, so he decided to fill it.
"When I called you perfect, I didn't mean that you didn't have any flaws. Or that I chose to ignore them. That is not what I meant."
"Go on," she said when he hesitated, feeling like he could use the encouragement.
"I simply wanted to express that I see all of you. Maybe that was a poor choice of words. Probably."
He let out a nervous chuckle, then sobered. "I have seen both your good and your bad sides. Strengths and weaknesses. And they all contribute to you as a person. A breathtaking, flawed, incredible person. That is what I meant when I called you perfect. Nothing else."
"I should have used another word, and I'm sorry for that. But know you know what I meant by that."
Chloe swallowed around the lump in her throat, surprised to find it there. Tears stung at the corners of her eyes, and it was too late to stop them as one slid down her cheek.
How long had she been waiting to hear those words?
Aching for it? Yearning for it?
I see you. I see all your flaws. All your mistakes.
And I love all of you.
Lucifer's expression shifted to one of panic at her flood of tears, but that quickly vanished when she twisted in his embrace to kiss him sweetly.
"Thank you," she whispered as she drew back, wiping her cheeks dry. "I needed to hear that."
He smiled, settling his hands on the small of her back. "I'm glad you feel better. But I'm serious, Chloe. You don't have to pretend you're fine. Don't have to hide your discomfort from me, however small it may be. I'm your partner. I always have your back, regardless of the circumstances."
Leaning his forehead against hers, he whispered, "You like taking care of me because it makes you feel needed. A way of expressing your love for me. Makes you feel like you're important to me.
He pressed a kiss between her brows. "Same goes for me. Taking care of you is not a burden. It's my privilege and my honor to do so. I love looking after you and making sure you're okay, just as you love taking care of me. Please don't deny me that."
Please don't shut me out.
The same request she'd made this morning.
"Okay," Chloe replied, nodding. "Okay. I'll try. I'll try for you."
She cupped his face in her hands, thumb brushing over his stubble. "I promise."
His features brightened. "That's all I ask. I know self-care can be difficult."
Now another thing.
"You do look older, Lucifer. But you're more handsome than ever."
It was the truth, and the difference had been obvious when he'd been standing next to his longer self.
The more pronounced scruff did a lot, as did his slightly longer hair. The hint of crow's feet at his eyes. But mostly the more relaxed, loving look in his eyes.
Not the tormented, lonely one he bore in their early partnership.
A cheeky grin spread over his face. "Even if I'm going grey?"
The image of Lucifer as a silver fox sent a rush of heat through her. Dashes of grey at his temples, hints of silver in his beard. Confident and comfortable in his age. And then in a three-piece suit with his trademark smile.
George Clooney who?
Her grin matched his. "Especially if you're going grey."
"Looks like I'm going have to take excellent care of myself, then," he crooned against her.
"You don't say," she chuckled, still tired but feeling lighter than she had in days. She shrugged an oversized U2 t-shirt on and handed him his pajamas.
Chloe wrung her hands together as he dressed. "I'm not trying to shut you out when I do stuff like that, Lucifer. Or at least not deliberately."
Leaning against the sink, she continued. "I have been on autopilot ever since the divorce, even more so after Dan died. Years and years of habits that kept me going no matter the circumstances. Because I had to be strong for Trixie. Someone had to be."
"And I know that I'm not alone anymore. That I can count on you, no matter what. But old habits die hard. Doing this, letting you see me like this…It's difficult. And if I'm being honest, me being emotionally distant was one of the breaking points in my last marriage."
Chloe paused for a moment to appreciate Lucifer looking all homely and snug in his pj's. It sent a warm glow of affection through her.
"I won't let that happen again. I love you too much for that."
"I love you too much for that, too," Lucifer said resolutely. "I won't let it happen, either. From now on, it's a joint effort."
"It's a joint effort," she agreed.
They were quiet for a moment, relishing the comfort and love in this new-made promise. It had been that easy, and it had been that difficult to make it.
Lucifer held out his hand, inclining his head. "Do you want to get some dinner after…everything? Trixie will be home soon, and I'm sure you must be hungry."
"I'm starving," she admitted, taking his hand.
Lucifer opened the bathroom door and let her go first.
"Hi, starving," he said, closing the door behind him. "I'm dad."
Chloe couldn't suppress the laughter that bubbled up inside her. He'd been practicing his dad jokes for the last three weeks now, and he was nowhere near done.
She threw her arms around his neck and pulled him down for a long, deep kiss. His exclamation of surprise quickly turned into a pleased hum, and he tilted her head into a kiss that made her toes curl.
Who would have thought, huh?
Self-care for others.
But she could get used to it.
She really could.