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Dear Readers: This novel does contain references to rape and abuse. I understand that these are sensitive topics, and I would not wish for any reader to suffer as a result of coming across these references without warning.
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Chapter 19
"A-A direct conversation?" gulped Elizabeth as she slowly lowered herself back into the chair at Anne's bedside.
"Exactly that," Anne confirmed.
Just then the door opened to admit the fresh tea tray, distracting both of them. Once they were situated with their teacups - Elizabeth thought to change the subject, but Anne spoke before.
"Now, where were we?" she asked.
"Ah, we were about to start reading The Winter-"
"Lizzy, come now we have had open and revealing conversations before." Anne cut in incredulously.
"Yes, but not about your husband!" she hissed.
Anne rolled her eyes, "I do not know why you are both acting so scandalized. You know better than anyone else that we are only married in name."
"But Anne he is – and what do you mean the both of us?" Elizabeth paled.
"I mean just that. And I will tell you what I told him… stop overthinking this! We are just friends and confidants –"
"No, you are not. You have consummated your marriage, Anne. That is not something that you can ignore or forget."
"And neither of us wished to repeat the act. I promise you that he and I, have only familial feelings towards the other. And more over I really want him to find happiness." Anne said leaning forward and taking one of Elizabeth's hands in her cold ones, "Lizzy, he lights up around you…"
Elizabeth jumped up suddenly and turned away, one hand on hip, one on her forehead.
"No, I cannot have this conversation with you."
Anne cleared her throat and began coughing. Elizabeth turned immediately and rushed forward but Anne put her hand up stalling her. Wanting to be useful Lizzy moved to get a glass of water for her friend.
Pulling the handkerchief away, Anne saw the bold stain of red glaring at her, in stark contrast to the white of the material. Quickly wiping her mouth, she tucked it under her hip, in time to smile at Elizabeth as she hurried forward with the glass of water.
"Thank you, Lizzy. But I will not be deterred from the task at hand. Now, I fear your main worry is over any intimacy you believe exists between Fitzwilliam and me. There is none."
"Do not lie to me. I have seen Jane and Bingley and I will not come between the two of you."
"I am not jealous or hurt. Our situations are in no way even remotely similar."
Elizabeth scoffed, shaking her head.
"You are insistent on making me believe that there is no intimacy shared between you and Darcy, but you have laid together and I have seen you. The way you care for him. You care for him so much, that you are willing to do… this!"
"Oh, Lizzy. Of course, we care for each other, we have spent a great deal of time together, just not romantically. True we have laid together; I was curious about the act and I wanted to be a woman and wife in every sense. Sadly, I have no desire to repeat the act, and I can tell he was not particularly happy doing so even the once. So, you see it was curiosity, not love or even lust. It was a friend doing me a favour… so to speak…" said Anne trailing off and for the first time Elizabeth was shocked to see her friend actually blushing.
"It goes against everything we are taught throughout our lives. Adultery is a sin, Anne."
"That is not what this is, Elizabeth."
"We have kissed!" Elizabeth said unblinkingly, watching to see Anne's immediate reaction.
"Yes, Elizabeth, I know. Fitzwilliam confessed what happened to me yesterday before dinner and then we stayed up talking into the evening. From what I gather you and he are more than a passing fancy. You deeply care for each other and more than that you seem to have been designed for one another. There is such a connection and chemistry between you, it has the potential to be a great love and I for one will not stand in the way. All that I ask is that it is kept hidden while I am still alive."
A tear trickled down Elizabeth's cheek.
"Oh, do not cry! I meant only that, if it whispers got back to my mother," Anne shuddered, "I would not wish such a fate on anyone."
"You must despise me?" she sobbed, "After all you have done for me and I have taken advantage. I feel so guilty." Elizabeth bent and pressed her head to the mattress and let her tears flow.
"Sshhh. I do not blame you and I am not upset with you; I promise." Anne said, softly stroking her hair.
"But how can you not be bothered, even slightly?"
"Elizabeth, hear me now and understand this is the last time we will talk of this. I give you and Fitzwilliam my blessing. Whatever you both decide from here on is up to you but know that it would make me very happy to see the both of you come together."
Elizabeth held her position, listening to the lady's penetrating speech, and could see that she was being sincere in her declaration. Anne harboured no resentment or hurt by the connection she shared with Darcy.
"Do you believe me?"
"Yes." Replied Elizabeth.
"Then what are the reservations you still hold? I can see them in your eyes." Anne said frowning slightly.
"I believe now that I have received, your true feelings... I must now work on the tumultuous feelings of uneasiness and fear. It easy enough to tell me to leap and take this happiness for myself… but what happens once I do leap?" Elizabeth asked.
"I do not understand?"
"With my husband, I knew my place in the world. I was the wife of a parson and yes, he brutalised my mind and body…" taking a deep shuddering breath before she continued, Elizabeth looked up into Anne's eyes, "He has never broken my heart."
"Yes, but you do not intend to go back to him, do you?"
"I had not, but what can I do if he comes looking for me? Neither you nor Mr Darcy can stop him. I leave myself open to ridicule and devastation!"
"Elizabeth, I cannot deny that there are risks involved in this endeavour, but there are ways around them. The beauty of your circumstance is that even though your name might be known through mention of my mother, due to how your husband treats you, your face is not necessarily known by society or anyone in London or Derbyshire. It would be no trouble for you to assume a new identity and a new wardrobe as rich widow from elsewhere." Anne said confidently.
For a long while neither said anything as Elizabeth sat nibbling at her bottom lip, her hands twisting in her lap.
"I am scared Anne." She whispered finally.
Could I have a happy life after what I have been through? Impossible, what man who knew of my weakness would ever hold me as his equal? Mr Darcy suspected certain things but did not know the whole truth…
Elizabeth, left Anne alone when she heard movement in Mr Darcy's chambers, and now as she meandered through the house to the breakfast room, she could hear that everyone was in good spirits this Christmas morning and breathed a welcome sigh, of relief. Her mind needed a happy distraction.
Entering the room, she found Charlie sitting upon Jane's lap next to Caroline and Mrs Hurst. They all looked up as she entered wishing her a good morning and a happy Christmas.
"Ah, Eliza! I see the men have deserted us after yesterday evening," chuckled Caroline.
"Yes, can you believe Mr Hurst actually thought they would be up this morning at dawn to go shooting for our dinner!" snickered Louisa. "Thank goodness cook made sure to have made the necessary purchases regardless."
"I wonder why Charles isn't here, he was in good spirits, but he did not drink during dinner and after he only had two brandies." said Caroline.
Jane blushed a little, as she gave a non-committal shrug.
"What is the plan for today, Jane?" asked Elizabeth quickly, seeing her sister's embarrassment.
"Well, at Christmas we spend the morning at our leisure. Luncheon is normally taken with the tenants and then our family from Longbourn will join us after that. One year we sang carols together, the previous year we put on a performance, but I suspect this year shall just be carolling and parlour games."
"I vote this year we have dancing!" chimed in Caroline.
"Dancing?" asked the voice of Mr Hurst as he sidled into the room with Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy.
Elizabeth's heart sped up at the sight of Darcy. His thick, dark hair, still slightly wet from his morning ablutions. Today tall, broad frame was dressed in his usual dark attire, only today he had chosen a forest green waistcoat. Catching her eye, he smiled fetchingly, which produced the alluring dimple on his left cheek. Watching in both pleasure and dismay as he moved to sit beside her at the table. As she looked up at his handsome visage, his eyes sparkled like the pale blue of the winter sky. Suddenly self-conscious, she wished she had worn a better gown, the one she had chosen was one of Jane's but it upon reflection the yellow was not as fetching as the plum pink would have been…
She had scarcely a second to gather herself, when he addressed her.
"Good morning, Elizabeth." Said he, his voice deep and silky.
Her heart skipped a beat, "Good morning, Mr Darcy," she said quietly.
"Yes, dancing! I feel as it is Christmas, we should all partner up to dance the waltz." Caroline's voice drew her attention back to the main conversation.
Louisa clapped her agreement of the suggestion and laughed at the slightly scandalised expression on Elizabeth and Jane's faces.
"Oh, come now, we are all friends and family. It is perfectly acceptable." Assured Caroline.
Mr Darcy turned slightly towards her, the action causing his thigh to brush against hers. Elizabeth shuddered, at their brief secret connection under the table. The touch seemed to awaken something deep in her stomach. How could he produce such perplexing sensation with but a look or a small caress?
Elizabeth stiffened when she felt him lean in towards her, this time his foot moving to rest next to hers.
"What say you, Elizabeth? Will you dance a waltz with me?" he asked, his breath whispering across her neck.
"I – I am not sure that would be very appropriate, sir?" she said refilling her cup with tea and his with coffee.
Darcy smiled to himself, inordinately pleased that she remembered his preference for coffee over tea in the mornings.
"But as Miss Bingley kindly pointed out, we are all friends and family, where is the scandal in that?" Darcy asked, taking a sip of his coffee and watching her over the rim of his coffee cup.
Letting out a small chuckle, she turned to face him. "Very well, Mr Darcy. If there is to be dancing and if Caroline convinces our hosts, I shall dance a Waltz with you."
"Fitzwilliam."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Or William. I feel that we are now at a stage where you may address me by my Christian name, don't you?" he asked in low tones.
"Oh, well…" she said fumbling for an excuse.
"I sense you need convincing." He teased.
"You sense correctly, Mr Darcy."
He let out a low chuckle of masculine amusement.
"Well, how will you persuade me?" she said enjoying their light-hearted sparring immensely.
"This morning I had the most wonderful dream…" He said dropping his voice so as not to be overheard, "It turns out it was not a dream and had you not fled from my room, I might have tried to convince you then."
Clearing her throat, she resisted the urge to look away from the mischievous twinkle in his eyes.
"I fear you have a very overactive imagination, Mr Darcy. Unfortunately, you have not managed to convince me."
"You may dissemble all you want, Elizabeth. But I have proof…"
"What proof could you… Anne!" she gasped.
He frowned gently and shook his head.
"No, not Anne. The book you took from my bedside table. Do not trouble yourself, I am not cross with you. Far from it."
"Oh," Elizabeth said with becoming blush. "Well, you have erred sir. If you had been cross, you might have convinced me to call you by your Christian name." she giggled.
Darcy startled her by, laughing out right. "You have always made me marvel at your quick wit and intelligence." He said, looking at her adoringly.
Elizabeth had the most ridiculous urge to lean into him, his strength and kindness awed and comforted her.
She faltered into astonished stillness. How could it be that this man, in such a short time and only a handful of conversations, had become so much to her. Elizabeth, gently reached for his hand under the table, feeling Darcy stiffen before returning the touch and intwining her fingers through his. It was the first time she had initiated any kind of intimacy between them.
"I wish very much that we shall have our waltz, William." Elizabeth whispered a little breathlessly as his thumb traced circles on her inner wrist.
"As do I, my lovely Elizabeth," William, whispered back longingly.