Chapter 13 – Drifting

Author's Note: t will, unfortunately, be a few chapters before Vaderkin and Obi-Wan reunite, but they kind of need this time for reasons that are not yet clear to them. Lol.

Also, enjoy the familiar faces! :D

WARNING: Depression (major depression), suicidal tendencies, slight (or more than slight) possessiveness, codependency (does that need a warning? xD).

~ Amina Gila

Anakin knows he should have expected it, but he still feels a dull throb at how little the Jedi trust him. They didn't live through what he and Obi-Wan did, and yet, they still distrust him, still want him dead. It's probably a fair reaction, though, given who he is and what he's done, so he doesn't know why it bothers him.

But what bothers him most is leaving Obi-Wan again. Having Obi-Wan so close has been… wonderful. His once master's presence has grounded him, given him a sense of stability which he's been sorely lacking for years, a sense of stability which Obi-Wan has always managed to provide to him, even in the darkest times. They belong together; they are two halves of a whole, and Anakin is very tired of denying how much Obi-Wan means to him. He's tired of the Code that has kept them from acknowledging the depths of their bond.

Obi-Wan is his father; it's that simple. And Obi-Wan has finally come to accept and verbalize that Anakin is his child. It – he never thought that he could get that, get this, but now, it's been ripped away again. It meant so much to him to not have to hide his feelings around Obi-Wan, to be able to openly express the affection that he feels for him. It's all gone now, though, and Anakin has no idea what to do about it.

He misses Obi-Wan already. Granted, a part of that is probably a result of their mission on Zygerria. He killed so many there. He'd single-handedly cut down every single Zygerrian guard in the Palace who tried to attack him, which was pretty much all of them actually, and then, he'd helped hundreds of slaves inside to safety. It was a dream come true. It is a dream come true.

But now, after accepting the whole of himself again, killing is, once more, harder for him. It was never… easy per se, as Vader, but it was easier. He could mindlessly follow orders, do what Sidious told him to. This was his idea, his choice, and he doesn't regret it, but it still damaged something in him to do it. He had been looking forwards to curling up next to Obi-Wan and letting his father's presence be a soothing balm to him. He had wanted to snuggle with Ahsoka for hours and tell her all sorts of things about the future, about… nothing. He had wanted to be surrounded by his family, so their presences could heal the fissures in his mind.

He can't do that now.

He's on his own again, drifting, the way he was before they came back here, the way he has been for years, ever since he destroyed his own life.

And Anakin doesn't know what to do now. He doesn't know where to go, doesn't have anywhere to go. All he knows is that he refuses to stay in hiding somewhere. For a short time, until he gathers himself, yes, but not longer. He has no idea how to sit on the side anymore, how to relax, how to do anything other than fight. Maybe he never wanted to be a warrior, but he is one now; he's been forged by the fire and blood and death that has been his life for years now.

He double-checks the shuttle three times for any and all trackers, making adjustments to the transponder so he can't be tracked, and takes several, small hyperspace jumps to throw off any pursuers. Once that's done, he cleans up in the 'fresher, washing away the grime, sweat, and blood from the battle. He doesn't have any clean robes with him, so he cleans what he has as best he can, including his armor. He dropped his helmet though, which is annoying, because he is so used to the narrow field of vision and red tint that it provides, that having to adjust to the additional visual stimuli while fighting will be hard.

Once that's done, he has nothing more to do, so he retreats to the cabin, curling on a bunk and trying not to feel so achingly alone. He's tired, exhausted, but being completely on his own, without even Sidious dogging his every step, is so foreign that his mind is abuzz. More than anything, Anakin wants to reach out to Obi-Wan through the Force and connect with him but doing so could likely reveal his location to the Jedi. He doesn't want to live constantly on the run. He was a Sith. He can survive this. It won't last forever.

Now, if only he could believe that.

**w**

In the end, Anakin decides to hide out on Tatooine. It seems fitting that he come back here, and Obi-Wan was here for ten years, out of the Empire's eye, watching over Anakin's son. Luke. It still seems impossible. It still seems like a dream, but Obi-Wan wasn't lying to him. Even Obi-Wan would never be so cruel. Sidious, on the other hand…

Well, some things are better left unspoken.

It's been several days since Anakin left Obi-Wan and the Republic, and he feels numb still, distant. Everything around him is hazy, and he hardly knows what he's done in all this time. Laid in bed, for the most part. Struggled with nightmares and breakdowns and hallucinations. He hardly even remembered to eat. Or drink.

His body is buzzing with a nervous, tense energy, and even the Dark Side is responding to him sluggishly. It would be so easy to immerse himself in it again, give himself over to its power and darkness. He wants to, and he probably will the moment the first thing provokes him. But… now? He can't. He doesn't want to. It's not what Obi-Wan would want him to do.

They should have run away together. They should have. Anakin should have known better. He should have disregarded the galaxy and run away with Obi-Wan so they, at least, could be together. They could have figured it out from there. He feels guilty and selfish for even thinking that, though. He wants more than just Obi-Wan. He wants his entire family back. He wouldn't have wanted to leave Ahsoka like that. And she could have come, too, but what about the clones?

His sense of duty bid him to stay, so he stayed. And he regrets it.

Anakin lands the shuttle near the Lars moisture farm, only half-knowing where he's even planning to go. Though as the ramp lowers, he knows with clarity. His mother might be gone, and he might not deserve to be anywhere near her grave, but he still wants to be near her. Even if the Lars are his family, too, albeit distantly, Anakin doesn't know them. He only met them once. They're still strangers to him.

He disembarks from the shuttle, shifting on the sand for a moment before making the trek towards where his mother's grave is. He won't have long before someone comes to check out the unexpected arrival, so he'll make the most of it. Anakin kneels in front of her grave the way he did during her funeral, reaching out to touch the headstone with his left hand. He feels a pang in his chest, a distinct yearning and fierce longing to see her again. It's been years, but there are still times when he misses her, like right now.

"I miss you, Mom," he whispers finally, bowing his head. "I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. I can't – none of this seems real sometimes, and I miss Obi-Wan. I don't know how to be on my own. I don't know what to do if – if I don't… get orders." It's a truth that he's always known, but he can't deny it anymore, not now. And it's almost physically painful to say, because he knows how much he sounds like a slave.

(He was a slave. To Sidious.)

"I did things that you'd hate me for," he continues, voice barely above a whisper, struggling to hold back tears that suddenly want to escape. But he knows better than to cry on Tatooine. "I've destroyed everything and everyone I once cherished, and I don't know how to fix that. Maybe I haven't yet, but… I did. Once. I – I never freed the slaves like I promised, either. It – I couldn't, or I chose not to. Except just a few days ago, on Zygerria. I don't know what to do anymore. I love you, Mom."

Anakin lifts his head when he feels an approaching Force signature. Owen stops a few feet away, and after a pause, Anakin rises, turning to look at him. His stepbrother looks a little surprised, but maybe relieved as well. "I didn't think you'd come back," he states.

He huffs out a mirthless laugh and shakes his head. "Me either. I didn't have anywhere else to go though," he explains. "Something… happened, and I had to disappear from the Republic. They are hunting me."

Something dark flashes across Owen's face. "You're welcome to stay as long as you want, Anakin," he assures him. "We take care of our own out here. Shmi was family, so you are, too."

He'd said something similar the first time Anakin came here, and he'd asked Anakin if he wanted to stay with them on the moisture farm. A part of Anakin had almost been tempted; he had wanted to know more about his mother's life here, about the people who helped her when he couldn't, but then, Obi-Wan needed him, and so did Padme. Maybe it would have been better for the galaxy if he had stayed, though.

"Thank you," he replies quietly.

"Come on in, I guess," Owen says, gesturing. "We have a visitor, but she'll be gone soon. Dad and Beru will be glad to know you're back." They walk back towards the homestead together, Anakin feeling awkward and out of place. He doesn't belong in a peaceful settlement like this, not when he's a warrior, not when the desire for war and bloodshed hums through his veins, as much a part of him as it is part of the Dark Side.

"How long will you be staying?" Owen inquires.

Anakin shrugs. "I don't know. I can't – I am unable to… remain still for long." He notes, silently, that Owen was unfazed by his yellow eyes; he didn't even ask about them, though he's undoubtedly curious. The compassion is welcoming as is the way they're treating him as human.

Owen snorts. "She said that about you," he remarks. He doesn't need to specify who the 'she' is. "You can help on the farm while you're here, if you want."

Machines have always soothed him, and Anakin needs that calm more than ever now. "I – yes, I would not be adverse to offering my aid."

Neither of them says anything more as Owen leads him into the kitchen area where they had been last time. Last time, Anakin had been a storm of grief and depression, struggling with his anger and guilt. He doesn't think he made a very good impression, but then again, the Lars seem far more understanding than the Jedi have ever been. They probably understood. Now… Now, he's not even close to being the person they remember. He's dark and bitter and angry, and he's a Sith. A monster. He ought to warn them of the danger if nothing else.

He stills in his tracks, shocked to speechlessness when he sees the visitor in the Lars home. Sabe. He could almost have mistaken her for Padme, but his wife would never be out here, and he's met Sabe in the past. They hit off… interestingly, and he admired her devotion to Padme. They had – have – a bond, at least he assumes it still exists, which is powerful and unbreakable. Padme had told him that Sabe chose to leave, to not come back, because she was unable to live with the intrigue and deceit in politics.

And Anakin can't fault her for that one bit, even if he would have liked to know that someone as loyal and trustworthy as she was protecting Padme when he couldn't.

For a moment, the two simply stare at one another. "Anakin," Sabe states neutrally, eyes narrowing as she assesses him. It looks so much like the considering looks that Padme has given him in the past that it hurts, and his heart clenches painfully. He almost feels as if she can see him, can see through him, can see his soul, as if she knows everything that he's done.

"Sabe," he returns, nodding.

"You remember me." She almost sounds surprised, but her expression is guarded. She's wary of him, and given his yellow eyes, it's not surprising. She can probably sense the Dark Side radiating off of him also. "What are you doing here?"

Anakin hesitates, and Owen replies before he can. "The Republic is hunting him for some reason. I offered to let him stay with us."

"Of course," Beru agrees instantly, giving him a warm smile.

"You're more than welcome here," Cliegg chimes in.

Anakin nods to them. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

"Why is the Republic hunting you?" Sabe wants to know once Anakin has sat down at the table and Beru has gone to bring them all drinks.

He feels like he's intruding, and he doesn't want to ruin their lives the way he has so many others. "I have… Fallen," he explains. "I embraced the Dark Side, and the Jedi seek to destroy me. The only ones who won't are Obi-Wan and Ahsoka." Of that, he is certain.

"When did this happen?" Sabe frowns. He can feel her suspicion.

"What is the Dark Side?" Owen adds in.

"The Dark Side is the side of the Force that the Jedi will not embrace," Anakin tells them. "It can be dangerous if it's not controlled. And as for when this happened… it was recently. A few days ago. The situation is… complicated. Obi-Wan and I saw the future. In that future, I Fell and became a Sith. I have not yet done anything to harm innocents, but the Council feels that I am too dangerous to walk free. I understand their concerns, though I believe I can control myself. I have had time to learn. I don't – I do not wish to be a monster any longer."

It's so strange to say that to these people, to this family that he doesn't even know, and it's even stranger to know that they are so accepting of him.

"You are welcome to stay, son, for as long as you want," Cliegg repeats. "It's what Shmi would have wanted, and I don't believe you are dangerous. She always spoke of how good you were, how selfless."

That – it's unexpected, and Anakin can't express how much he appreciates their faith in him based solely on the words of someone who is now… gone. He feels choked up, and he doesn't even know what to say to them.

"If you're here, can you help us?" Beru asks, leaning forwards.

"If I can," Anakin promises. He doesn't miss the look that Sabe throws the other woman.

"We – my family works on the Trail," she elaborates, and Anakin stiffens instantly. He knows of it. Of course, he knows of it. Probably every slave on Tatooine knows about the Trail which can lead them to freedom and safety. He even contributed a bit here and there when he was young, though he couldn't do any more than get a little food or some usable, sellable junk that could be traded for money.

"Of course, I'll help," he assures them, remembering his childhood dream. He had wanted to come back to Tatooine to free all the slaves. He never did. He never would have. Perhaps this is the Force's way of encouraging him to take that path, to help others, to use his darkness in a selfless manner. The Jedi might look for him, but they'll never find him. The Trail protects their own. "I need a disguise. I have armor already, but I'll need to build a helmet."

"We can get you what you need," Sabe assures him. The look in her eyes is almost admiring now. "Just tell us what it is."

He does, and together, they begin hatching a wild, reckless plan to destroy slavery on all of Tatooine. Instead of starting small, perhaps they should start big. Perhaps they should start all the way at the top with Jabba himself.

**w**

It's late evening out as Anakin welds together the pieces of durasteel for the helmet that will become the face of the freedom movement. He needs the design to be just right, and with a bit of touching up, the armor will suffice as well; he had chosen it for himself after all. It takes a few more tweaks to adjust the settings inside the helmet so he can ensure that they're just right. There can be no mistakes.

When it's finished, he sets it aside, and takes up the armor, painting each piece black. It's not an ideal color on Tatooine, and he knows that's what will make him stick out even more. He has a mission, and he intends to see it through to completion.

He attaches the armor to himself piece by piece, securing it, and feeling almost giddy as he does so. He has a purpose again, something to give him focus so he doesn't raid the Jedi Temple and kidnap Obi-Wan and Ahsoka and run away with them. He's here. He's needed. He won't abandon these people, his people, a second time.

When the armor is on, though he still doesn't have a serviceable cape, Anakin lifts the helmet, securing it over his head and blinking a couple times to adjust to the readouts and red tint before he steps up to a nearby mirror to admire his completed handiwork. The face of Darth Vader stares back at him.

Final Notes: If you want to join our Discord to receive updates or just hang out, here's the invite link, and please delete the spaces! :) discord . gg / nqSxuz2

You can find us on tumblr at fanfictasia (which is our more serious blog which does have controversial posts on it; I won't be offended if you choose to block it, promise), and disastertriowriting (which is our fun blog with crack posts or incorrect SW quotes; we also advertise our SW gift exchanges on there)

And! We have a YT channel for tributes! Please delete the spaces in the link. :D youtube channel / UC_g1M5rSCxJUzQCRS29B6pA

Finally, if you're interested, you can submit a SW gift fic request via the following form (delete the spaces): forms . gle / rmXWtRomMMaULuPa6