Plastered Paradox

Chapter 7

The trip thankfully hadn't taken that long – one Bullhead ride later, and they were in the land of weaboos and hentai.

"Alright," Jaune began as the three of them walked through the streets of Mistral. "Where do we begin with this?"

"Didn't Ozpin tell you where to start?" Cinder asked.

"In typical Ozpin fashion, he was pretty vague about it. He suggested I speak with the Spiders but didn't actually tell me how to get into contact with them."

"You could always ask Raven."

"Oh, please," Raven said, rolling her eyes. "Just because I'm a criminal in Mistral doesn't mean I know all the other criminals in Mistral. When Jaune first told me we were looking for some group called the Spiders, my first thought was that they were a fucking Vale Scout troop, not a criminal enterprise."

"Raven, you've got no place to talk about something sounding like a Vale Scout troop, since you live in the middle of nowhere," Jaune pointed out.

"I've been meaning to ask about that, actually," Cinder said. "Why do you live in the forest, of all places? That's gotta suck."

"Whatever answer she gives you, just know that she's lying," Jaune explained. "The truth is, Raven legally has to live in the middle of the forest, because it's the only place in Mistral sufficiently far away from elementary schools."

Raven glared at him, then crossed her arms as she walked. "It's just easier to live out in the middle of nowhere and also be a bandit. I don't expect some stupid do-gooders like you idiots to understand that, though."

"See, you call us do-gooders, but you're tagging along," Jaune pointed out.

"I'm only here for the conquest and the possibility of violence. Needless to say, I've been quite disappointed so far."

"Can I get my sword back yet?" Cinder suddenly asked. "You've got yours back, Jaune. You don't need mine anymore."

"You'll get it back as soon as I've figured out this whole dual-wielding thing," Jaune answered.

"But that could take years!"

"It will make sense in time, trust me."

Cinder crossed her arms, grumbling. "Yeah, yeah… drunken master, my ass."

They rounded a corner and almost got separated in the crowd. Jaune had thought downtown Vale had been a shithole, but Mistral's seedier, lower-income side was definitely giving it a run for its money. Seriously, every single person he'd crossed so far had a scar across their face, and that was just ridiculous.

"Now, let's see… If I were a highly illegal criminal enterprise with access to tons of information that people would either kill or pay big money for, where would I hide?"

"A nightclub, but I don't think this place has any of those," Cinder said as she swerved to avoid a homeless man sticking a needle into his arm. "Besides that, I don't know, a bar?"

"Right, but which bar, is the only question? This place has tons of those – there's almost as many bars here as there are gun stores, liquor stores, and twelve-year-old corner-side drug dealers."

Off in the distance, there was a sudden commotion, and the crowd parted as a man was thrown out of a nearby bar. Jaune stared at the downed man for a second, his eyes widening in recognition.

"Hey, I know that man."

"You're not the only one," Raven announced. "Let's go, before he-"

"Raven…?"

"Damn it…" She sighed, then turned around. "Qrow."

"Raven," Qrow said as he rose to his feet and glared at her. "I'm surprised you're here. I thought for sure that you'd be too busy robbing an orphanage or something to come downtown."

"Yeah, well, even the best of us need some time off every now and again."

"Sure, but why are you spending it here instead of sleeping in your coffin like usual?"

"Pretty sure I made that joke earlier with Glynda, but go off," Jaune said. Qrow's gaze slid over to him.

"Who are you supposed to be?" Qrow asked. "You Raven's new boy toy?"

"That depends. Does she give good head?"

"Like you'd know the difference between good and bad head," Cinder said.

Qrow glanced at Cinder, his eyes widening in surprise. "Wow. Uh, gotta admit, Rae, I didn't think you'd move this fast. I mean, a daughter already?"

"Oh, bite me," Raven said, rolling her eyes. "She's not mine."

"You sure? She's got your hair, but more importantly, she's got your shitty attitude and your I-really-wish-I-wasn't-here-right-now demeanor. Seriously, she's like a dead ringer as your crotch spawn."

"You can't be serious," Cinder deadpanned. "You really think these two idiots could have created me? Give me a fucking break. There are a hundred-thousand other sperm cells that could have resulted in conception, there's no way I'd let myself be the winner of that little contest if it meant having these two as my parents."

"Ow," Jaune announced. "You know, your words hurt, Cinder."

"They'd hurt less if you gave me my sword back."

"What are you doing here, Qrow?" Raven demanded. "And don't say you're here for the cheap drinks and the barmaid's ass – it's Tuesday, which means that happy hour doesn't start until six and that all the women working here have bullet scars all over them. Now, I know that trainwrecks are your type, but even you have to have some standards."

"Oh, come on, Rae," Qrow implored. "Maybe I just really like seedy bars and don't care if the drinks are overpriced and the barmaids are more masculine than I am. And you still haven't answered my question, by the way – is this blonde guy your new boy toy? Because he looks like he'd be exactly your type."

"And what type is that?"

"Blonde and blue-eyed."

"I can't be her type," Jaune pointed out. "I'm not-"

"If you say you're not Summer, I'm going to wait until you're asleep, then tie you down and give you a fucking blunt-force castration with your own shield," Raven threatened.

Jaune wisely decided not to finish his joke.

Qrow shoved his hands into his pockets. "Well, if you must know, I'm here looking for information."

"Wait, don't tell me," Jaune said. "You're looking for Spring too, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah. The only problem is-"

"You've got no idea where to start looking?"

"Yup."

"Sounds rough, man. You know what I like to do when things get rough?"

"What?"

"-and so then I told him, that's not a pint-sized, ice-cream-themed, homicidal maniac, that's my fuckbuddy for the night!"

Qrow shared a laugh with him, and then the two of them clinked their glasses together and downed their shots in unison. Jaune clapped Qrow on the back, a huge grin on his face.

"You know, I'm glad I finally found someone who's just as fucked-up as I am," he commented. "Someone finally understands."

"I'll drink to that," Qrow replied, raising his glass. The two of them downed another shot.

The barman cleared his throat. "Uh, excuse me, guys?"

"Yeah, what is it?" Jaune asked.

"Just so you know, your tab is currently four-thousand lien."

"That's okay, put it on my tab."

The bartender stared at him. "If you insist."

"Oh, I insist all right. I insist super hard. You have no idea how hard I'm insisting right now."

Behind him, Raven tapped her foot, impatient. "Are you two quite finished? We've been here a half-hour and you're already managed to run up the biggest tab I've ever seen."

"I've had bigger," Qrow grunted. "You should've seen my tab the night of Summer and Tai's wedding. Now, that was a tab. Lionheart and I went and tore the town up."

"Wait, Lionheart?" Jaune asked. "Shit, that reminds me – we totally have to go and ice Lionheart at some point."

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah, he's a traitor working with Salem."

Qrow blinked. "...Huh. Should I ask how you know this?"

"Probably not, but rest assured that if we visit him in his office right now, there's gonna be a Grimm in there with a direct line to the queen bitch herself. So, my plan is this – we go in guns blazing, put Lionheart down like the dog that he is, and then I'm gonna whip my dick out and show it to Salem before I shove my sword straight through her Grimm. Not because I want Salem to see my dick or anything like that, but purely for the thrill of it. I don't even care if she marks me as a dead man for it. Hell, I welcome it."

"What are we gonna do with the kid?" Qrow asked, motioning towards Cinder, who was currently drinking apple juice through a straw and looking very dejected that Jaune hadn't given her any of his whiskey.

Jaune brought a hand up to rub at his chin. "Yeah, good point – I can't exactly whip my dick out in front of the Grimm queen if Cinder is there, unless I want to end up on the same list Raven is on."

"Not what I meant. Is it really okay to be dragging a teenager into situations as dangerous as these? Maybe you should have left her with someone."

"I tried that and they didn't want her," Jaune commented. "Though then again, maybe it was just my sales pitch. But in any case, it's fine – Cinder's proven herself to be downright lethal with her banana."

"Oh, is that why she's carrying that around? I thought she was just hungry."

"Are you two idiots planning to make any actual progress on this mission today, or not?" Raven demanded. "Because while you're sitting here getting drunk, the Spiders are probably moving their operation somewhere else or something."

"Hang on, you guys are looking for the Spiders?" the bartender suddenly asked.

"Yes, sir," Jaune replied.

"Oh, well why didn't you say so? You can find them in that run-down warehouse in the slums. You can't miss it – it's the big building that looks like it hasn't had a renovation since the Great War."

"Wow, for real?" Qrow asked, shaking his head.

"I know," Jaune said, resting a hand on his shoulder in solidarity. "It's really a shame how some people simply can't grasp the finer points of home renovations. There's no excuse for living in a pigsty."

"Not that. I'm talking about how we missed something that obvious. I thought we were smarter than that."

"Apparently not. Shall we close out the tab?"

"That depends. Are you paying?"

"That depends. Does the bartender accept payment in angry dark-haired women?"

"Not since that dark-haired woman with Silver Eyes stopped in on her honeymoon a few years back," the bartender chimed in. "I'm still paying for the repairs after that one."

"Damn, I guess we're gonna have to pay with cash, then." Jaune reached into his pocket and pulled out a stack of lien cards. "Keep the change, my man."

"This is maybe five-hundred lien," the bartender pointed out.

"Four-hundred."

"I'm not haggling with you, I'm stating facts. You've given me an eighth of what I'm actually owed."

"Tell you what, I'll swear a life debt to you," Jaune offered. "Wipe my tab and in your darkest hour, I'll arrive to save your life. It will be worth every penny."

The bartender sighed tiredly. "You don't have that kind of money, do you?"

"Nope."

"Fine, I'll take the life debt. Fucking Huntsmen…"

With that, the bartender strode off, grumbling under his breath the entire time. Cinder stared at Jaune in surprise.

"What just happened?" she asked.

"That, my dear Cinder, is how Huntsmen get out of paying a tab," Jaune said.

"But you swore a life debt to that guy."

"Come on, he's a bartender. What are the odds that he actually cashes it in any time soon?"

Minutes later, the four of them stood gathered outside the warehouse in question. True to the bartender's word, it was in desperate need of a renovation. It was covered in moss, the paint was completely peeled away, the bare concrete was full of cracks, and just about every single window on the building was broken.

Jaune let out a whistle as he saw it. "Damn. I knew the Great War people hated free expression, but this thing is just depressing to look at. Seriously, what's the theme here? It's a box of gray concrete. I thought they tore all these things down when the Great War ended."

"Apparently not," Qrow grunted. "Shall we?"

"Let's get this shit over with," Raven said, leading the way as they all entered the building.

If the outside of the warehouse was depressing, then the inside was just as bad. It was just as run-down and dilapidated as the outside was, but on top of that, it was also populated by some very unsavory-looking people. Jaune counted at least eighteen facial scars among the half-dozen people there. All conversation in the room died the instant the four of them stepped inside.

"Oh, good, I have your attention," Jaune said. "I'm looking for the leader of the Spiders? You know, the criminal gang the Spiders? I'm a Huntsman, you see, and I could use some information."

"What are you doing?" Qrow hissed. "Are you trying to piss them off?"

"Yeah, I thought Raven would want to blow off some steam."

"You were right," Raven said. She rested a hand on the hilt of her sword and peered out across the room. "Well? You heard the man. We're a bunch of Huntsmen who have entered into your humble abode uninvited. I think that warrants your standard welcoming committee. So, who's first?"

One of the Spiders – a big, muscle-bound, bald-headed man with a large spider tattoo on his right shoulder – exchanged a glance with the others for a moment, then looked back towards the four of them.

"Boss is in the back," he grunted.

Raven blinked, surprised. "Uh, what? You're supposed to attack."

"We would have in the past, but it's just not worth it now," the man admitted. "Do you have any idea how many Huntsmen come here looking for information? We've given up trying to make them pay for it because they're all Huntsmen, and we're not. Might really does make right. The way we see it, we can either let you in to see the boss, or we can take an asskicking and you can all let yourselves in. Personally, I'd rather cut out the middleman and avoid the asskicking."

"Wow, that's surprisingly intelligent for a common street thug," Jaune commented.

"Street thug I may be, but I have a degree in philosophy from Vale University."

"Damn, you're accredited? What the hell are you doing working as a street thug for a gang of criminals?"

"What part of 'philosophy degree' do you not get? This is the only work I could find with that degree that didn't involve waiting tables or asking someone if they want fries with that."

"Point taken. Shall we see the boss, then?"

"What?!" Raven protested as Qrow grabbed her and began dragging her into the back room, just behind Jaune and Cinder. "This isn't right! Where's the excitement, and the fighting?! This is a perfectly good opportunity to lose some of your teeth!"

"Give it a rest, Raven," Jaune commented without looking back. "You'll get to kill someone eventually, I'm sure. Hell, you know what? As soon as we figure out a plan to actually ice Lionheart without getting all of Mistral's Huntsmen on our backs, you can go ahead and kill him, because Gods know none of us want to do it."

"Is that why we're keeping her around?" Cinder asked. "Because we need a trigger man, and none of us are willing to do it?"

"Well, that and because she's the one person I've found so far besides you who can actually trade barbs with me and not get asshurt about it in the process. That's a surprisingly rare trait to find. The only other people I can think of who possess it are Qrow, Glynda, and Torchwick, and all of those people are a no-go for various reasons I won't get into now."

"You can just admit you think she's easy on the eyes, you know."

"I'll admit to nothing, child."

The three of them found themselves outside a wooden door marked 'Boss' Room'. Jaune couldn't help but note how convenient it was to have the leader's room clearly marked. It was certainly a far cry from that time he'd had to visit that small, foggy town called Quiet Knoll and found that pretty much every single door was locked in-between having to solve increasingly obscure puzzles and dodge that scary-looking guy wearing a triangle on his head.

But enough about his nightmares, it was time to meet the boss.

So he pushed his way through, and immediately had to bite his tongue to keep from making a snarky comment.

Unfortunately, Raven was far less restrained than he was.

"Yeah, we're looking for the leader of the Spiders?" Raven asked. "Can you go ahead and regurgitate him already? Because it looks like you might have eaten him."

"Raven," Jaune chastised.

He couldn't exactly blame her for it, though – if this woman really was the leader of the Spiders, she was not what he'd been expecting. If anything, the guy with the philosophy degree looked a lot closer to his expectations. Instead, he had gotten a heavy-set, middle-aged woman in an ill-fitting outfit.

And thanks to Raven, she also looked mad as hell.

"Oh wow, I've never heard that one before," the woman commented. "What's your name? Let me know so I can go ahead and put a hit out on you."

"I'll respond to that the same way the manager of a buffet restaurant responds to you when you ask him if all-you-can-eat is literal or not – I'd like to see you try," Raven replied. "The name's Raven Branwen. Be sure to send the good assassins – I don't even get up in the morning unless they've got at least ten bodies on them already."

"You know, if you came here looking for information, you're not exactly doing a very good job of making me want to give it to you," Lil' Miss Malachite pointed out. "Seriously. You came bursting in here and started making fat jokes. It's quite rude."

"I assure you, she doesn't speak for all of us," Jaune said. "Why, Qrow here actually prefers his woman to have a bit more meat on them."

"Bro, what did I ever do to you?" Qrow asked. Cinder elbowed him. "I mean, yeah, I like thiccc girls – yes, with three C's, even. The huskier, the better. I just like to get lost in their fat rolls from time to time – I find it quite erotic."

"Excuse me, I need to go be sick somewhere," Raven said.

"Try not to cost us any more information while you're doing it," Jaune deadpanned as she hurried out of the room. Once she was gone, he turned back to Malachite. "Alright, lady, let's cut to the chase – we want information, and we know you've got it. How much?"

"Ordinarily, I'd accept monetary payment for all information, but I'm still feeling quite insulted," Malachite said.

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Okay, fine. What favor do you need done?"

She grinned. It was a wicked grin, of someone who knew she had her opponent right where she wanted them. "Oh, it's nothing major, I assure you. It's just one teensy, tiny little thing I need done."

"Is this wise?" Cinder asked Jaune. "You know you're gonna regret this, whatever it is."

"Probably, but what choice do we have?" He turned back to Malachite. "Lay it on me."

Her grin widened, and Jaune knew he'd just made a horrible mistake.

Tune in next time to find out just how horrible Jaune's mistake was, I guess.

This one's a bit shorter than usual, I'll admit, but only because I felt like this was a good place to stop. Still trying to find my rhythm with the new schedule – generally I write on my lunch break or when there's a lull at work, but it's been a bit harder than usual, because shit keeps getting in the way. I'm also not making things easier on myself since I keep undertaking new writing projects. I'm trying to decide what I should replace Black Widow and MIA with – I've got two candidates, and after working on both a little bit, I'm pretty damn torn. I'm tempted to just go with both and dedicate a weekend-only slot to one and a weekday-only slot to another, but IDK.

Should probably explain that a bit – so, the way my writing schedule is set up, I have stories I work on during the week only and stories I work on during the weekend only. Currently, the weekdays are dedicated to this story, Black Widow, MIA, and an original story I'm staying tight-lipped about until it's out. The weekends, meanwhile, are dedicated to the longer projects I want to take my time on – Black Sun and The Seventh Circle. I'm very tempted to take both of these ideas I've been playing with and move one to weekdays and the other to weekends, just so I'm not forced to pick. I can definitely handle more work on the weekends, I think, but the weekdays might prove a bit trickier, IDK. Might be worth a shot, I guess.

With all that said and done, what else is going on that I need to discuss? I suppose a major thank-you is in order for all the supporters out there, that being everyone who reads my stories and reviews them. Thank you to all of you, I wouldn't be here without you, you all make dealing with this crazy schedule so very worth it. For real, writing is my favorite thing to do, and the only thing that makes it even better is knowing that people enjoy reading it. So, thanks to all of you for making this all possible. Haven't said that in awhile, so I felt compelled to say it here.
Besides that, I don't really have anything else. I'm gonna try and make the next chapter more standard-length, but I'll have to see how it goes. We'll be in Mistral for a bit, and I'm gonna try and do some fun stuff here, so hopefully you all enjoy it.

Oh, and because it probably bears repeating – I'm going to be finishing both Black Widow and Missing In Action in the next few weeks, I think, then I'll be replacing them shortly thereafter with a new story… or possibly two, I don't know just yet. So keep an eye out for whatever comes next; I've got some ideas for what it'll be but currently I'm still pretty torn. Whatever it is, it's gonna be a fun and wild ride, that's for sure.
Thanks again, everyone! See you next time!