Truths and Lies

Helm's Deep was an impressive fortress, which even from afar seemed so strong that no one would ever be able to take it. I could hardly believe that this had almost happened before. Here, too, repair work was still in progress, the destruction of the war as visible as if it had taken place only a few months ago.

We approached the fortress as the afternoon sun sank into the horizon. I was beginning to feel every bloody bone in my body, as we had been on the road for well over two weeks. While I was used to the hard work in the tavern, I was not used to sitting on a horse for hours on end. By the time my thighs were sore from riding, I was wishing for a car. Or a scooter. Even a freaking bicycle would have done!

After we had reached Edoras, I had been more than glad that we had taken a day's rest. Gimli and Legolas had engaged in hours of conversation with Eomer, while I sat next to them, trying to withstand the man's probing gaze. I spoke no Rohirric, and only after a good half hour had he bothered to switch to Westron. Neither Gimli nor Legolas had mentioned my true origins to him and that seemed to make him suspicious. He suspected there was more to the story than either of them wanted to tell him, but he trusted them enough not to question it. That didn't stop him from eyeing me warily, though.

"Is this how you imagined it?" Gimli's question snapped me out of my memories of Edoras and our short stay. I blinked briefly before replying, "It is impressive." And it did resemble the facility shown in the movie: The location near the mountains and the slightly curved walk up. The mighty walls. And the tower looming in the background.

As we approached the complex, I wondered unintentionally if I would find answers here, or if the grind of the last days would be fruitless. And what would happen then - if we found nothing? Probably we would return to Minas Tirith and go our separate ways. I would continue to work in the tavern, Gimli would oversee the city works, and Legolas... Legolas would take his forest to Minas Tirith. Eventually they would leave the city and then I would be alone again.
Part of me didn't like that. Another knew that was probably the better solution. I knew all of this was doomed to fail. The hopes I had built up, as well as the nervous fluttering in the pit of my stomach whenever I was near the elf, were nothing more than pipe dreams. Even if I didn't like to admit it, Minas Tirith had been a home to me for the last four years. One that I had not wanted and that I had pushed away from me at every possible opportunity. But it had been one nonetheless. It had been safe. It hadn't left me thinking that I was hoping to return for nothing. The doubts had been gnawing at me ever since we had crossed the Mering. And the prospect of returning to the city seemed almost tempting in my weak moments. How likely was it that I, of all the people who had made it here from the future, would find a way back?

Legolas had an impeccable sense of my moods, for he glanced at me. But I looked away. With the exception of a few brief conversations, we had not spoken again. Not like we had in Minas Tirith. It was as if an invisible wall had been drawn between us, and Gimli's words were still ringing in my ears.

At that moment we reached the entrance to Helm's Deep and I pushed my doubts to a place where they would not stick their ugly heads out. Perhaps they were wrong. Maybe this was just the beginning.

Gimli led us to the stables where we stalled our horses. As we stood back in the fortress compound, the dwarf put his hands on his hips. Legolas stood behind him. "I suggest we lead you to the woman first," he got straight to the point. "That is why we are here, after all. Though I can only urge you to visit the caves."

With a smile, I replied, "Then we'll visit them right after I pay a flying visit to the woman."

The dwarf nodded. "Give me a moment, I need to find our local contact first. He should already be waiting for me..." Busily, he scurried away, leaving me alone with Legolas. I turned away and wandered up the stairs to the wall walk. Similar to Minas Tirith, Helm's Deep was laid out in rings to make defense easier, but it was much smaller. The castle character of the complex was therefore better accentuated.

From the wall walk, I could see the hole that had been blown in the defense wall to my right. The elf followed my gaze. "We were very lucky that night that Gandalf found the Rohirrim after all," he said without context, and I just nodded. He paused for a moment, "You have doubts about our venture."

I crossed my arms in front of my chest, "How would you know?"

"I noticed the look on your face."

"Oh, really?" I still didn't look at him. "If you noticed that, you probably didn't miss other things either. Interesting that you prefer to sweep those under the rug." My sentence had sounded sharper than intended, and it didn't miss its mark. The elf beside me tensed. "If you're referring to the night in your room…"

"No," I cut him off, "I'm not insinuating that. Because absolutely nothing happened there that would trouble me."

He winced barely noticeably. With that, I had hopefully made my view clear. Ever since the conversation with Gimli, I had been thinking about how an onlooker like him could have gotten the idea that there was more between the elf and me than the agreement we had made. And I had had to admit that our conversations in the moonlight certainly pointed in a particular direction. Also I would have had to lie, if I had denied the small butterflies, which had occasionally flown in my belly during these conversations. All in all, however, I had probably not given half as much importance to the whole thing as Gimli or even Legolas had apparently done. The elf had decided against it in my room and it had never really occurred to me in the first place that we had taken this path. Nevertheless, I had had to bear its consequences.

The longer I had thought about it, the clearer one thing had become: I had traveled to Helm's Deep to find a way home. No more and no less. After all, it was for a reason that I had been visiting the library of Minas Tirith for several years. How successful this plan would be was another matter, but my attitude was supposed to suit Legolas, wasn't it? I gave him a quick glance. Then why was it that I couldn't get rid of the feeling that he was upset?

With a shake of my head, I brushed the thought aside.

It. Was. Of. No. Importance.

I needed to focus on the things I was here for.

"Then why have you been so reserved since we left Minas Tirith?" he asked.

I looked out at the landscape. It was not as vast as the view from the Lower Gardens in Minas Tirith, and the thought that an orc army had once stood outside these gates made me feel trepidation even now. "Because you left me in the dark for three days as to whether our agreement was still valid. You just walked away - without explanation - and ignored me after that."

"You were worried I would reveal your secret?" The surprise in his voice was mixed with disappointment. "I would never..."

"What else do you think I should have thought?" I finally looked to the side and at the elf. "What would you have assumed in my place?"

I did not avoid his searching gaze, for I had not lied: Yes, the moment between us had confused me, but first and foremost I had been afraid that my hopes of finding a way home would collapse like a house of cards. "I didn't realize you still distrusted me so much." He sounded calm, but I sensed he wasn't.

"If I distrusted you, I wouldn't have let you in on it. I'm just..." I stopped. "Can't you understand that at all?"

He said nothing for a moment before replying, "I am little more than a stranger to you." Pause. "I apologize, I misjudged the situation."

I just nodded. It was better this way. For both of us. Sometimes there were moments that needed letting go.

At that moment, I heard Gimli's voice from downstairs, talking to someone. That had to be the contact he had been speaking of. I was about to turn my back on the wall walk when Legolas asked, "Aspen?"

"Yes?"

"Was that all that weighed on your heart?"

Slowly, I glanced back. The expression in his eyes was watchful again, as if he sensed there was something else I wasn't telling him. But I had always been good at lying. Especially because I convinced myself that what I was saying was true. So I replied, "Yes, that was all."