Hello, apologies for the long gap.

Okay so I've got to clarify my timeline. I wasn't going to originally, but the fact that I've decided to incorporate just a drop of canon events has made me realize that I need to do so, especially since I've made some mistakes. To rectify that: much of episodes 1-3 of season 11 did happen. It happened before and during my first chapter. Before chapter one started, Daryl led the mission to get the rations from the military bunker. Major difference that occurred was that they did not have a meeting after and realize they didn't have enough food. Alexandria in my universe is struggling, but not so much that Maggie is able to convince anyone to go to Meridian. Carol still finds the need to get the horses but they also have some crops and the animals weren't scared away from the horde so they can hunt and snare. That's the first major change.

Second major change: The Reapers are not going to be a part of this fic. Leah's out living her best life, killing, stealing and torturing people. And that's where she'll stay because they never go to challenge them for Meridian. Because of those major changes, Daryl never left and was there when Carol went to find the horses. Which is right about where we started, because she mentions doing that in the end of chapter one. (cool side effect from this change: Alden doesn't die and Negan doesn't leave)

Third major change: Carol was, previously to being discovered by Daryl, spending time with Kelly and doing runs with her, just as in canon. That whole thing has taken a break over the past two weeks because she's now been occupied by Daryl. However, they still did get close. Magna never confronted her, however. And because they never had to go to Hilltop to try to find tools, they never found that Whisperer and so they don't know that Connie is out there. Connie IS still out there, and just like in canon, she and her friend are going to fight their way through that house of horrors and she's just going to find her way back on her own. I've also decided that the big storm isn't going to happen. There's enough drama in this anyways.

Okay, I think we're clear now.

LINE

It had been 10 days since the last time she'd cut. She was aware of every day. For something that wasn't even a consideration three months ago, it was startling how much it overwhelmed her thoughts. So far, though, she was able to keep it at bay. More significantly, Daryl barely gave her opportunity to follow through when the urge did present.

Carol was getting used to their new arrangement. Daryl slept in her bed every night. Every day, he stayed near her. They took watch together, they ate meals together, and they worked together. Sometimes she'd go with him, sometimes he'd help her, sometimes they'd just work side-by-side on different tasks. Every few days they'd go out on a hunt and plant forage. If anyone noticed their constant vicinity to each other, or the fact that he'd moved into her house, nobody commented. If he had to leave her, he'd leave her with someone. She'd spend a couple hours with the kids, helping Nabila with tasks, teaching Kelly how to set snares, always something. It was infantilizing, but she was getting used to it.

He still hadn't given back her knife.

It was annoying but she didn't press it. Yet.

Fact was, he was starting to trust her a little bit. For the first couple days, he'd stayed the same. No moment without him, open doors, hovering. He'd washed her cuts for her, not trusting her not to open the scabs and wanting to keep an eye on the infection. As the bruising had faded and the cuts had fully scabbed over, he started letting her do it herself. That was the first step. The next was the doors. Three days ago, when she went to bathe, he offhandedly commented that she could close her bathroom door. She'd been surprised but pleased, and since then she didn't have to worry about the lack of privacy in the restroom. It wasn't complete trust, because if she took too long, he'd knock on the door and check on her. But it was a start.

Yesterday he'd left her for about twenty minutes to have a conversation with Aaron and Jerry. She'd been up to her elbows in soapy water, scrubbing out the stains in the kids' clothing. He'd been working on arrows next to her when Magna walked over and let him know that Aaron was looking for him, something about a plan to lead some of the gathering walkers away from the walls. He'd glanced around quickly, likely looking for someone he could direct Carol towards, but then seemed to make a decision.

Realizing that it was silly for her to drop what she was in the middle of, and it wouldn't be long, Daryl let her know he'd be back soon and left her alone.

Carol was ashamed to say that the thought of doing something actually had crossed her mind. Despite Magna's attempts to let her know that she seemed to understand her and maybe was even beginning to forgive her, anytime she was around the woman, Carol's skin would begin to crawl with guilt. It happened even more with Kelly but she was able to tamp it down because the young woman always approached her so positively.

Being alone for the first time in over a week was disturbingly tempting. But she had simply put her head down, scrubbing harder at the mud on RJ's jeans. When Daryl came back, he found her in exactly the same spot, a couple extra articles of clothing hanging on the line and letting him know that she had never left.

He didn't comment but his lips had quirked up when he looked at her, and Carol let the pride of not breaking his trust brighten her up, just a little.

You'll let him down before long. Its what you do. You hurt people.

Stop! That doesn't have to be who I am.

It is though. And you know it.

Carol let her knuckles scrape against the washboard, letting the very slight pain push her thoughts out. She pushed it out of her mind as Daryl took back his seat next to her, picking up his arrows again as he began filling her in on what had been discussed.

LINE

Jerry had finally fixed the tire on an old wheelbarrow and, in Carol's opinion, that was the best thing to happen all week. It meant they had two now and that made most tasks ridiculously easier. It also allowed for them to more easily take the rubble that'd been piling up around Alexandria and create a pile outside the walls. It was strange how pleasant Carol found cleaning up the signs of disorder, but removing the clutter and rubble seemed almost symbolic of removing some of the damage she'd caused.

Ha! Like anything could do that.

Carol ignored her thoughts, continuing to work as she grabbed handfuls of debris and tossed them into the wheelbarrow. Daryl was working alongside her, filling the other wheelbarrow with the larger debris: pieces of wall and broken stone. He'd grab the large pieces while she gathered up the rubbish. It was when he'd walked away, pushing the newest load he'd filled out to the gate, that she found it. She had tossed a pile of drywall and busted wood into the barrow, suddenly flinching from a sharp sting on her hand. Looking down, she realized that something had cut her.

For a quick moment of weakness, Carol squeezed her fist tight, shutting her eyes as she reveled in the way that the action heightened the sting. Fuck. I miss that. Realizing what she was doing, she opened her hand and took a quick look at it. It wasn't too deep. What cut me? Curiosity got the better of her and she ignored the bleeding cut to carefully let her hands drift through the contents of the load. It was a piece of glass from an old broken window, she realized. There had been a bit that had hit the wheelbarrow and as she glanced through, she noticed that there was a large chunk still attached and she pulled it free from the broken frame. It was about two inches long, vaguely triangular, with a jagged, sharp edge and a thin pointed tip. She wasn't sure what possessed her to do it but, glancing up to make sure that Daryl was out of sight, Carol very quickly slipped the glass into her back pocket.

Its okay. I'm not going to use it.

She felt guilty but there was also a weird sense of security that came from knowing she had it now. She focused on pushing it out of her head, going back to grabbing wreckage from the makeshift piles everyone had been using. It was only after a moment of automatic movements that she realized that she was getting blood onto the debris and remembered the openly bleeding cut on her hand.

She stopped working to examine it. It was only about an inch long, on her right palm, near her thumb, and a little deeper than she first thought. It was bleeding pretty good, at least. She was pondering what to use to wrap it up when she heard Daryl wheeling back over. As soon as he sounded close, she heard the wheelbarrow drop and looked up to find him in front of her in a flash.

"What happened?" He demanded, taking her bloodied hand

What happened. Not 'what'd you do'

She shrugged with a reassuring smile. "Just nicked myself on something. No big deal. I just need to wrap it up so I can keep working."

He reached into his back pocket and pulled out the red handkerchief he kept there, gently wiping away the blood and squinting down at the injury as he cleared it.

"Looks like it stabbed into ya a little. S'gonna hurt to keep picking shit up." He noted as he firmly tied the handkerchief around her hand and released her. "Ya wanna switch to somethin' else for the rest of the day?"

She chuckled without humor. "Like what? Can't go out because the blood smell will draw the walkers, gardening will just pour dirt into an open wound, and I doubt anyone here wants to eat bloody food so cooking is out too. I'll stay here, it'll be fine."

He looked like he was going to protest but then he shrugged. "Fine. Miss Tough Guy."

She smiled then, crouching back over to start picking up more things, albeit more carefully.

"What'd ya cut yourself on anyways?" he suddenly asked.

She tempered her face as much as she could as she moved to look into the wheelbarrow. "I dunno, actually." She made a show of drifting her good hand through the rubbish, finding paydirt when she felt sharpness and moved a piece of drywall to reveal small shards of window glass, none of them over half an inch long. "Must've hit some glass."

He looked over at it, seeing the drips of blood mixed into the pile, and nodded. "Hmph. Well be careful, Miss Tough Guy. We need ya to keep all ya fingers."

She rolled her eyes at him as she went back to working.

LINELINE

Carol grinned at Kelly as she came walking back into Alexandria with snares of rabbits.

"Nice job!" She complimented in sign language, leaving her spot next to Daryl on watch to climb down and talk to the young woman. She was surprised when Daryl didn't stop her.

As she climbed down the ladder, Kelly waited for her.

"Thanks. That knot you showed me worked great." Kelly responded.

Carol bumped her shoulder against Kelly's. "Good. Now I can show you how to clean these properly."

Kelly scoffed. "I know how to clean game."

Carol gave her a look. "Mhm. I've seen how you clean rabbits. You lose enough meat to feed a full grown man."

"A whole rabbit is barely enough to feed a full grown man." Kelly argued.

"And last time you threw the fat away."

"Said I was sorry about that. Didn't know that you use it to cook."

Carol chuckled. "Even if I didn't, we are in no position to throw away meat. And fat is meat. I usually leave the fat on the pieces for the kids. They need the calories."

Kelly agreed, taking in the critique good naturedly. "When you off watch?"

"In about an hour and a half."

Kelly looked up at Daryl, who was still on the wall. "Hey Daryl!" She called, waiting for the hunter to look down at them.

"You good to finish watch on your own? I'm gonna steal your partner here for a bit." She signed at him.

Carol watched Daryl hesitate before nodding. "Sure. So long as ya save me the lungs." He spoke slowly as he signed along with his words, spelling out L-U-N-G-S as he didn't know the word.

"The lungs?" Kelly looked at Carol with a mix of confusion and disgust.

Carol laughed. "He dries them out and feeds them to Dog."

"Oh. Okay, for a second I thought he really was as feral as he looks." Kelly joked before pulling Carol along with her to the houses. Carol could feel Daryl's eyes on her as she went but felt good about the fact that he was trusting her to go off.

LINE

Carol grinned at Kelly as she finished cutting the back loin meat away from the bone, carefully cutting as close as possible to save the most possible meat. Carol looked over the nearly perfectly cleaned bones and removed organs from the last rabbit, the one that she had let Kelly do on her own.

"Very nice work." She complimented and she started cleaning and separating the leftovers. It was weird, but it felt nice to have a knife in her hands again.

No sideways looks, no watching eyes. I like that other people have no clue. That I can have trust here.

She saw Kelly watching her curiously as she was cleaning the meat and started narrating what she was doing.

"All the regular meat goes immediately in water to clean off any possible contamination. Ya let it soak for a few minutes before taking it out and rinsing it again, depending on what you're gonna use it for. I'm thinking cooked up with some fat and ramps. We can eat the head, set that aside for stew. I take the brains out, though, because that's good for tanning the pelts. Rabbit heart, liver and kidneys" she pointed these out "are good for eating. We can use them for stew since they've got lots of flavor. Set aside the lungs and ears for Dog. Daryl likes to dry them for treats. Now all the digestive stuff, the stomach and intestines and such, we don't eat. We probably could but its risky as they have to be cleaned and cooked very well to avoid contaminants. So Dog can have those, too, but we still cook them to protect him from possible worms. Finally, we put aside the bones, especially the ribs, because I can boil those down to make broth, or gravy whenever we have a grain." She had stopped working as she explained so that she could face Kelly and let her read her lips as she spoke. Kelly nodded and they set to doing the instructions, Kelly copying her movements.

"Damn, you really use every piece, don't you?" The young woman asked, sounding impressed.

Carol shrugged. "No point in wasting it. Rabbit's good for that anyways. We'd have less use from a possum, raccoon or fox, but those also have more fat so it's a trade-off."

"Raccoon fat?" She scrunched her nose slightly.

"Starve long enough and it tastes like marbled ribeye." Carol joked. Then she thought a moment. "Actually, I'm kidding. Raccoon tastes like shit even when you're starving. Smells terrible too. But possum is much better than you'd think."

Kelly grinned with humor, helping Carol finish the rabbits and get the parts ready for their intended purpose.

"So how do you know how to do all this? It can't just be from Daryl."

Carol hummed in agreement. "Well, he has taught me a lot but you're right, I knew some of this before the fall. My dad was a hunter. He didn't believe in women hunting, but he taught me how to clean game. My momma used to hate getting her hands bloody, but somehow it never bothered me as much."

"Badass even as a kid, I should've figured."

Carol rolled her eyes, dismissing the compliment.

If she only knew how weak I actually am.

So caught up in their tasks, neither of them noticed a shadow leaning behind the door, listening to them. As they worked, Kelly began talking to Carol about wanting to go out on a run. She asked if Carol wanted to go but, assuming that Daryl would never let her, Carol made an excuse politely. When they were finished, Carol directed Kelly to take the meat to Nabila to get started while Carol headed back towards her own house.

As she was walking, the person who'd been watching her caught up to her.

-"Hey Carol, can we talk?" Magna called as she matched pace with her.

"Yeah, sure."

"I know what you're doing and I want you to stop."

"Sorry?"

"You're giving Kelly false hope."

"I don't understand."

"Yes, you do. You don't think Connie is alive. You just can't accept what it means if she's not."

"Well, you're Connie's family. I would think you would want to know either way."

"I want my family to heal. All that's left of it. Kelly looks up to you. Carol, I'm sorry for whatever you're going through but I'm asking you, I'm begging you, whatever you're doing or telling her, stop. You're just making it harder."-

Carol nodded as she walked away. Her footsteps felt heavy as she plodded over. Going into her house, she dropped the rabbit trimmings onto her table and headed straight to her bathroom. She locked her bedroom door on the way. Then she locked her bathroom door. She felt her breaths echoing across the room as she slid down the wall onto the floor, her arms going to wrap around her legs.

False hope.

Because you killed her sister.

Trying to be friends. Trying to teach her things.

For what?

You are never going to be able to make up for what you took from her.

You can pretend all you want. You're disgusting. You're pathetic. You're a fucking monster.

Monster.

I'm a monster.

Fuck.

I can't take this.

I can't do it.

Carol began rocking slightly, trying to assuage the discomfort in her body. The rush of blood through her veins, the ricocheting of hot and cold sparks up and down her spine and neck, the pounding in her temples, the way her skin prickled and crawled like it was screaming to tear away from her body.

Too much too much too much…

She suddenly realized that her hands were running up and down her arms, digging her nails into her skin in a futile attempt to dispel the screaming in her skin. Unable to take it, no longer even thinking clearly, Carol moved to rip down her pants, hand frantically searching out the shard of glass in her back pocket, gripping it so tightly that that the edges cut into her trembling fingers. Carol hissed, just the pain of that releasing some of the pressure bubbling under her skin.

She quickly scanned her scarred thighs, mind racing as she tried to find a word to fit how she felt. But she couldn't think clearly. Deciding rashly that the best word was already there, she stabbed the tip of the glass into the almost fully healed M, dragging it down slowly. She took a harsh breath of relief at the pain, following it as she let it numb the edges of her emotions. Looking at the cut, she frowned as she found that the glass was not adept at this. The line was jagged and the glass had tore at her skin more than slice, so that it hit different depths as she pulled.

I don't care if its perfect.

She let the tip dig into her skin deeper as she pulled it along the keloid scar, making equally jagged lines until the M was finished.

She stared down at the bleeding letter for a moment. Disgust hit her as she realized what she was doing. As she stared at the reopened letter, the glass shook in her hand. She slowly went to begin the O when suddenly she let the glass drop.

No!

No more!

She stood, grabbing a dry washcloth from her sink and wiping at the blood angrily. It wasn't terribly deep, except for the points where the lines started where she'd shoved the tip into her skin. She wiped at the blood bubbling up a couple more times before yanking up her pants, picking up the glass to put in her back pocket again.

I don't want to! ...Wow. I don't want to.

A new sort of determination boiling her blood, she left her bathroom. She could hear Daryl and Dog come into the house. Not wanting to face him after her failure but not wanting to worry him either, she went over and unlocked her door before crawling onto her bed, pulling her knees up to chin and burying her face against them. She could feel her throat thicken from unshed tears but she bit her lip, fingers pushing onto her fresh cuts to try to use the pain to hold them back. She had no idea what she was going to do now.

"Carol?" His voice was mild but she could hear the worry there.

She could hear him open her door and slowly walk in but she didn't raise her head. She imagined him taking in her form, arms wrapped around her knees in the fetal position.

Fuck, I'm pathetic.

She felt the bed dip as he sat next to her and she scrunched herself further, turning her face away from him.

His hand came very close to her shoulder, hovering but not making contact.

"What's wrong?"

She shook her head, unwilling to look at him.

"Carol, what happened? I was lookin' for ya. Kelly told me you just left to bring me meat for Dog and you were coming right back to help cook. But that was 10 minutes ago."

She shook her head again, feeling her strength waver as her eyes filled with tears. She bit her lip harder, feeling her teeth begin to break through the flesh.

"Will ya talk ta me?" He said louder, a mix of worry and frustration in his tone.

Carol continued to shake her head, biting down until she tasted blood, sucking on the abused flesh to focus on the pain.

There was a moment of silence, and then realization hit her.

I need this to stop. The only way is to…

Wordlessly, Carol unwrapped an arm and reached into her back pocket, grabbing the piece of glass. She held onto it tightly for just a moment before slowly holding her arm out towards the hunter.

She felt Daryl's hand, warm, come under her enclosed fist. And then she opened her hand and let the shard fall into his hand.

As soon as it did, Carol brought her arm back, wrapping it back around her knees as she resolutely continued to face away from him.

"Goddamnit, Carol." Daryl breathed.

She could feel the disappointment rolling off him and could no longer keep the tears at bay, feeling them roll off her cheeks and drip against her arm.

There was so long a moment of silence that she would have thought he'd left if she couldn't still feel his presence next to her. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

"Are you mad at me?" She whispered.

"Yes." He answered harshly. Carol breathed in sharply, not surprised but hurt just the same, biting her bleeding lip to hold back a sob. She flinched in surprise when he shifted closer, reaching out and wrapping his arm around her shoulders. Cautiously, she turned her head and peeked up at him.

"Thought you were mad?"

He sighed, lifting his other hand to rub at his eyes. "I am." He met her eyes. "Don't mean I'm not here for ya."

Carol took a breath, letting go of her knees to try to relax the unbelievable tension in her body. She didn't know what to say but Daryl didn't let the silence stay.

"Why?" He asked quietly, gently rubbing his hand up and down her arm.

"It's not important. I know I messed up." Carol said sadly.

Daryl's arm tightened slightly. "It's important. Ya didn't do this for no reason. What happened?"

Carol squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, quarreling with herself, not wanting to delve into the darkness in her mind. But she realized that Daryl wouldn't let it go and she couldn't bring herself to lie to him.

"I was walking back, I was just going to drop off the scraps for Dog—"

LINE

Daryl sat quietly, a roar of mixed emotions rolling through him. Carol had finished talking a moment before and he listened to her harsh breathing, feeling her trembling slightly under his arm. A slightly irrational part of him was filled with rage at Magna. Rationally, he knew that she hadn't done anything wrong, really, but he still felt the urge to track the woman down and demand she leave Carol the fuck alone. But he also knew that this was not the time or place for that as he felt Carol was close to unraveling right in his arms. Christ, what the hell was he supposed to do if any little thing was going to drive her to cutting herself? He couldn't keep the woman under lock and key. He was trying but he wasn't enough and it was frustrating him more than he could stand.

Carol was beginning to cry again and fuck, he just wanted her to stop. He didn't have words for this. Not knowing what else to do, he just rubbed his hand up and down her arm, pulling her closer so that her face pressed into him. It was only a moment before he realized that her breathing had eased slightly.

Curious, he pulled back a little so he could look down at her face. It was then he realized that her lower lip was fat, raw and bleeding a little. He instantly knew why and anger flared up in him before he could stop it.

"Will ya stop biting your damn lip?" He snapped before he could help himself.

She winced and he ground his teeth against the guilt that quickly replaced much of his anger.

"It helps." She said softly.

"Don't care." He answered, less harshly this time. He thought for a quick moment and tried again. "What else would help?"

She thought for a second. "Feeling helps. Anything with a strong feeling." She paused. "You rubbing my arm helps." She was speaking so soft and he knew it was because she was embarrassed by that, but he couldn't figure why. He felt relieved. Something he was doing was helping, fuck, he'd rub her arms all damn day if he helped her stop hurting herself.

To demonstrate that thought, he shifted her so that she was further against him, rubbing his calloused hands up and down both of her arms firmly. They sat there for several minutes until he felt her breathing even out and her trembling stop. Eventually, she gently pulled away from him.

"Thank you." She said softly and he fought the urge to roll his eyes. He knew he shouldn't keep losing his temper at her, but he had never been able to handle feeling powerless over a situation. And goddamn, he felt powerless with Carol so much lately.

She sat next to him while he chewed his thumb absently, knowing that he had to see what she'd done to herself this time and struggling with both wanting to see and really not fucking wanting to see. Eventually, he manned up.

"How bad is it?" he asked, his way of asking to see.

She shrugged. "Not bad…" He looked at her disbelievingly. "No, really. I couldn't do it. I started but I couldn't keep going."

A drop of praise washed over him. She really was trying.

He eventually was able to get her to let him see. She hadn't lied, it wasn't bad in comparison to what she'd done before. He was disappointed she'd chosen to try to reopen MONSTER. Out of all the words carved into her flesh, he hated that one the most. But the cuts weren't deep and it was only the M. It didn't take long to clean and bandage the already clotted wound.

He had an idea that was forming as they were finishing and he wasn't sure how she'd take it, or fuck, if it'd even work. He was putting a lot of belief in what she'd told him about his ability to help.

"If it'll help, anytime you're feelin' like that, just let me know. We can do that again. If it helps." He said, a little quickly, as it was an odd thing to offer.

She looked at him with shock but a smile was tugging at her lips. "Thank you. I think that would help, actually."

He nodded. "Okay. Just give me a signal. Say 'arms' or something, ya?"

She nodded. "Sounds good. Come on, I've gotta go help prepare that rabbit before Kelly lets Rosita cook it."

"Oh fuck no, let's go woman, before she boils all the taste outta it."

LINELINELINE

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