The Photograph

Peeta seeks help from his best friend, Dr. Finnick.

P.S. Suzanne Collins owns The Hunger Games Trilogy.

10 December

Dear Finnick,

I did it. I wrote Katniss again, probably for the last time if she still doesn't respond to this one. I want to fight for her, brother, but it's clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me right now.

Just between the two of us, I went to her house every day after her first letter. I wanted to talk to her right away, but several times my feet stop just at the apple tree in the corner of her yard. I tried to rationalize it, to understand why I never got to the point of knocking at her front door and waiting for her to answer. Why didn't I continue just to get a moment with her?

At first, I thought I was giving her space and respecting her wishes. But now that I had more time to think about it, I realized it was because I was ashamed. I was ashamed of myself, of what I did twelve years ago. It may have been a long time in the past, but the repercussions follow me and her family now.

I was also mad at myself for the pain and hurt I caused Katniss with the affair. She doesn't deserve any of this. She doesn't deserve more pain or heartbreak after everything she's been through. She's the most wonderful woman I've ever met - strong, independent, loving, and compassionate - and I brought her tremendous heartache. If anything, the news about the affair saved her from having a life with me. I'm a home wrecker, Finnick. You said before that that was an exaggeration, but look where I am now. I ruined her family.

I'm no good, brother.

I don't deserve love at all.

But I still want her … I'm such a selfish man.

As much as I want to resolve the sins of my past, I can't ignore the beat of my heart. I want Katniss in my life, Finn. Undeniably, she is the best thing that happened to me. She's the best part of me. Was the best part of me.

Finnick, I love her, and I want her to be happy.

Can she have that with me? I definitely don't deserve her.

I'm a mess. A stupid mess that I created years ago.

How do you live with this pain? This conflict, this shame. How do I make it right? Can it be made right?

Should I just let her go? Because she's better without me. I'm a mutt, Finn.

Brother, it hurts so much. The physical ache in my heart feels like a heart attack. Yesterday, I had to stop mid-shift at the hospital and hide at the research laboratory just to stop myself from shaking. Anxiety fills me and spills out of me whenever I think about Katniss. I feel like blowing up, wanting to scream myself raw from this pain and disgust. I can't forgive myself for hurting her.

Finn, it's heaven to be loved by Katniss. She made me feel whole, wanted, and cherished - that I had self-worth outside my work as a nurse. That me, Peeta Mellark, was an individual. A person that another could love and live with for a very long time. I don't know what she saw in me because when I look at myself now, all I see is a fucked up man who would never escape the sins of his past.

It was bliss holding her. Getting to hold another human being that melts in your arms because she trusted you and loved you in return was a rare gift. She gave me life, brother. Katniss made me feel alive and want to do more with my life. Heck, I wanted to open a bakery because of her. To continue the legacy of the Mellark name that vanished when my mother divorced my father. I wanted to start a family with her, Finn. I never thought I would have that feeling again. I thought that part of me had died, but Katniss made me want it again. And with her, I felt like I could actually do it. How privileged I was to find a person like that in this world?

But I screwed up my life a long time ago, I realized. And now, here I am. I'm a selfish bastard. After what I did to her and her family, she has every right to rid herself of me. I don't blame her. I would want to get rid of myself too.

My mistake haunts me and follows me, Finn. How will I ever make things right? Katniss deserves a happy, peaceful, and fulfilled life.

I need your help, brother. I don't know who else to ask right now.

Sincerely,

Peeta

Let me know what you think. I know this fic touches on a difficult subject.

As usual, thank you so much for reading.